Making a Life Changing Decision, minus Family Support
February 24, 2022 5:58 AM Subscribe
I am about to make a life-changing decision. I do not think that my parents are going to take it well. Historically speaking, I have backed down from many major things when my parents, especially my mother, view that possible changes as distressing (to her) or ill-advised, no matter how much I've researched it. I believe that my parents will withhold support if I go through with this and encounter problems of any kind. I do not have many friends to lean on in their place. How do I move forward minus my parents?
OP: can you please clarify if you mean financial support, emotional support, or both?
posted by Bella Donna at 6:13 AM on February 24, 2022
posted by Bella Donna at 6:13 AM on February 24, 2022
Response by poster: Emotional support. I am financially independent.
posted by The Adventure Begins at 6:15 AM on February 24, 2022
posted by The Adventure Begins at 6:15 AM on February 24, 2022
As hard as it is for us parents to let go when our kids are adults, it is part of our job to do that but still be emotionally supportive even when we may not agree with a decision or find it worrisome. You have proven to be responsible in decisions by becoming financially independent. They will have to learn that you are capable of other types of independence. They can offer their opinion, but you can be strong enough to do what you need to for your life. I think most parents will come around in the end, some take longer than others. My adult son is making a similar decision and we have plenty of concern, but it is his life, and he will need to make his own choices. I am trying to be emotionally supportive and encouraging even though I am a bit worried.
posted by maxg94 at 6:25 AM on February 24, 2022 [8 favorites]
posted by maxg94 at 6:25 AM on February 24, 2022 [8 favorites]
I love your username in this context!
After a little look through your posting history, I think you are at a point in your life where a lot of people renegotiate family relationships. There may be the appearance of a breakup for a while, but if it's a decent relationship overall, you can come back, and you will do it with more power and there will be more mutual respect. Perhaps as you are taking these next steps in other areas of your life, you will have some ideas about how you want the relationship to look in the future.
I'm not claiming it's not disconcerting or difficult, but it is quite likely the beginning of positive change. I'm also not saying there is anything wrong with not having bunches of other friends, but maybe you can meet some people who are going through similar things.
posted by BibiRose at 6:27 AM on February 24, 2022 [3 favorites]
After a little look through your posting history, I think you are at a point in your life where a lot of people renegotiate family relationships. There may be the appearance of a breakup for a while, but if it's a decent relationship overall, you can come back, and you will do it with more power and there will be more mutual respect. Perhaps as you are taking these next steps in other areas of your life, you will have some ideas about how you want the relationship to look in the future.
I'm not claiming it's not disconcerting or difficult, but it is quite likely the beginning of positive change. I'm also not saying there is anything wrong with not having bunches of other friends, but maybe you can meet some people who are going through similar things.
posted by BibiRose at 6:27 AM on February 24, 2022 [3 favorites]
Proving your parents wrong is one of life’s great pleasures, and a necessary step to full independent adulthood. Gathering support from others is key — I noticed you left out the details of your decision even in this question. Were you afraid the internet masses would judge you like your parents? Tell people what you have decided and give them a chance to support you where your parents will not.
posted by shadygrove at 6:30 AM on February 24, 2022 [9 favorites]
posted by shadygrove at 6:30 AM on February 24, 2022 [9 favorites]
Your parents' opinions, and the support that they might offer or withhold, form part of your decision-making context but it isn't the whole picture. As an autonomous adult you get to make your own choices, and to enjoy or regret the consequences. Others can offer their advice if they like, and it might even be good advice sometimes, but it's your life & your decision - so you're entirely free to ignore it. Maybe your parents are giving you an opportunity to look for other sources of emotional support that are more consistent & less judgmental. You may even offer yourself that support, when it doesn't come willingly from others.
I recommend David Richo's book How to be an Adult.
posted by rd45 at 6:49 AM on February 24, 2022 [2 favorites]
I recommend David Richo's book How to be an Adult.
posted by rd45 at 6:49 AM on February 24, 2022 [2 favorites]
You only get to live one life. If this decision will make your life better, then you should go for it. Parents are there to (hopefully) raise you to be a responsible adult capable of making your own decisions. Then they have to let go and actually let you do that. Even if it causes them distress. It is not your job as their child to curtail your own life to keep them happy.
Go forth, make good decisions, for yourself, and live your best life. Show your parents how happy you are with your decisions, and how it makes your life better. Most parents will see this and come around in the end. Good parents want their children to be healthy and happy above all else.
posted by sharp pointy objects at 6:52 AM on February 24, 2022 [5 favorites]
Go forth, make good decisions, for yourself, and live your best life. Show your parents how happy you are with your decisions, and how it makes your life better. Most parents will see this and come around in the end. Good parents want their children to be healthy and happy above all else.
posted by sharp pointy objects at 6:52 AM on February 24, 2022 [5 favorites]
How do I move forward minus my parents?
Seeing as you have an established expectation that you'll back down when your parents express some form of distress over your agency, I suggest that you make the decision you want to make first, and then tell your parents about the decision having been made sometime afterward. Depending on the nature of the decision you're going to make, you may not need to tell them at all until other circumstances arise that make a specific time the right time to do so.
If they're important to you, you can and should tell them that when the time comes to bring up this change.
There's an interesting, complex, and deeply human hurdle that you're facing here--the recognition that your parents may or will behave badly (by witholding emotional support) if you were to direct your life in a way that they disapprove of in some way. I would argue that, no matter the discomfort it may cause you to imagine a future in which your parents are not emotionally supportive, the possibility of that kind of a response is not a good reason to change your plans for your future. In your wording, I can tell that you don't value this kind of witholding behavior your parents have displayed in the past. If you value that behavior less than you value this momentous decision, I think it's time for you to shoulder the burden that is loving people more than loving their actions.
Speaking from the long view, w few of these decisions under my belt--and a more complete person because of them--I am excited for you and what making this decision may bring to your life. Godspeed!
posted by late afternoon dreaming hotel at 7:03 AM on February 24, 2022 [25 favorites]
Seeing as you have an established expectation that you'll back down when your parents express some form of distress over your agency, I suggest that you make the decision you want to make first, and then tell your parents about the decision having been made sometime afterward. Depending on the nature of the decision you're going to make, you may not need to tell them at all until other circumstances arise that make a specific time the right time to do so.
If they're important to you, you can and should tell them that when the time comes to bring up this change.
There's an interesting, complex, and deeply human hurdle that you're facing here--the recognition that your parents may or will behave badly (by witholding emotional support) if you were to direct your life in a way that they disapprove of in some way. I would argue that, no matter the discomfort it may cause you to imagine a future in which your parents are not emotionally supportive, the possibility of that kind of a response is not a good reason to change your plans for your future. In your wording, I can tell that you don't value this kind of witholding behavior your parents have displayed in the past. If you value that behavior less than you value this momentous decision, I think it's time for you to shoulder the burden that is loving people more than loving their actions.
Speaking from the long view, w few of these decisions under my belt--and a more complete person because of them--I am excited for you and what making this decision may bring to your life. Godspeed!
posted by late afternoon dreaming hotel at 7:03 AM on February 24, 2022 [25 favorites]
You just do it. You hold fast to what you know to be the right course of action to be. You accept that your parents are entitled to disagree with you. You believe that they have the potential to change their mind in the future, or at least to get over themselves. You prioritise long-term happiness over short-term acquiescence. Making your own decisions, considering but not following your parents' point of view, is part of being an adult. Some parents make that harder than others, but even in good cases we often want their approval in ways that are not appropriate. If, on balance, you think you've made the right decision (or at least, not a wrong one) then fake confidence in it until you have confidence in it.
posted by plonkee at 7:10 AM on February 24, 2022 [3 favorites]
posted by plonkee at 7:10 AM on February 24, 2022 [3 favorites]
This is incredibly hard, and the fact that you're deciding about doing this, and asking about how to deal with your parents' reaction, says that this decision really matters to you. Having done something similar, I just want to say it's possible to do even if it totally doesn't feel possible - you can still do the thing while freaking out, and once you're on the other side of it, it can feel much more possible. Also, whatever you can do to learn how to listen to yourself and your needs (which is hard when you've lived suppressing that in favor of someone else) will be a decent compass for what will be healthy and important to you and what won't be.
posted by Geameade at 7:55 AM on February 24, 2022 [2 favorites]
posted by Geameade at 7:55 AM on February 24, 2022 [2 favorites]
Do they have to know? In practical terms can you go ahead and carry out this new decision without discussing it with them and postponing any reveal until you are firmly settled. That can mean lying by omission or putting off conversations with vague answers, postponing in person visits for phone calls etc. I have done this and my kids in turn have done this to me. It can suck for a while but adult child and parent relationships need resilience and space to thrive.
posted by dorothyisunderwood at 7:55 AM on February 24, 2022 [6 favorites]
posted by dorothyisunderwood at 7:55 AM on February 24, 2022 [6 favorites]
Even if they withhold support, they are still your parents who love you, and you will still have and maintain a loving relationship with them. So maybe focus your thinking / efforts on how you will work to maintain those healthy aspects, how to express and receive support in other directions and dimensions, in the meantime despite the elephant on the table. This might help you feel general support, even if it is missing in one big area. Along with some "I'm not up for discussing that right now" around the thing they don't (yet) support.
posted by Dashy at 8:30 AM on February 24, 2022
posted by Dashy at 8:30 AM on February 24, 2022
I was you many decades ago, always seeking "permission" from my parents ahead of time, which often resulted in my pulling back on what I had hoped to do. My younger siblings just forged ahead with their decisions and announced them to our parents after the fact. Our parents reacted angrily in both scenarios, but my siblings forced our parents' acceptance of what they couldn't change. In all cases, none of us expected emotional support from our parents, just (grudging) acceptance.
Your therapists can help you explore possible pitfalls with the decision so that you have the emotional support and information you need ahead of time.
So I'm with late afternoon dreaming hotel about executing your well thought out decision first and informing your parents afterwards. If it makes it easier, write them a short letter or email calmly explaining what you've already done and expressing your hope that they will accept your decison. Do mention multiple examples of your mature decision making in the past. Express your confidence that you will handle any problems independently. Offer them time to think about your plan and invite them to meet face to face to talk about it when they're ready. This is respectful and leaves the door open to connection with them on a new level.
posted by Elsie at 8:42 AM on February 24, 2022 [5 favorites]
Your therapists can help you explore possible pitfalls with the decision so that you have the emotional support and information you need ahead of time.
So I'm with late afternoon dreaming hotel about executing your well thought out decision first and informing your parents afterwards. If it makes it easier, write them a short letter or email calmly explaining what you've already done and expressing your hope that they will accept your decison. Do mention multiple examples of your mature decision making in the past. Express your confidence that you will handle any problems independently. Offer them time to think about your plan and invite them to meet face to face to talk about it when they're ready. This is respectful and leaves the door open to connection with them on a new level.
posted by Elsie at 8:42 AM on February 24, 2022 [5 favorites]
There are three possible outcomes:
You cave and don't do the thing. You always wonder about the might-have-beens. You resent your parents and yourself.
You do the thing, it doesn't work out, your parents were correct in their fears, but at least you tried the thing.
You do the thing and it works out.
Of those three outcomes, the saddest is the first.
Do the thing.
posted by champers at 8:57 AM on February 24, 2022 [8 favorites]
You cave and don't do the thing. You always wonder about the might-have-beens. You resent your parents and yourself.
You do the thing, it doesn't work out, your parents were correct in their fears, but at least you tried the thing.
You do the thing and it works out.
Of those three outcomes, the saddest is the first.
Do the thing.
posted by champers at 8:57 AM on February 24, 2022 [8 favorites]
So, I did this a few times in my life and I discovered it was far easier to do the thing, THEN tell my parents. For example, I, as a grown ass person, decided that I wanted to quit my tenured librarian job, take a substantial buyout from my employer, and move to a different state to be with my fiancé and finish my PHD while I worked part time. I didn't ask permission. I just told my folks, "Hey, this is what I'm doing."
They were annoyed and a lot pissed off. But every time they bitched about it, I just said, "I know you love me and I know this is a big deal and very different than what you wanted but I think this will work and I'm happy."
It took me getting married and finishing the PhD and getting a good job that made them calm down but in the end even my dad said I made the right decision. Even if it didn't look like it at the moment.
Short answer, do the thing, then tell them. And know that you do have people out here who have your back. Even if we're just strangers on the internet.
posted by teleri025 at 9:28 AM on February 24, 2022 [7 favorites]
They were annoyed and a lot pissed off. But every time they bitched about it, I just said, "I know you love me and I know this is a big deal and very different than what you wanted but I think this will work and I'm happy."
It took me getting married and finishing the PhD and getting a good job that made them calm down but in the end even my dad said I made the right decision. Even if it didn't look like it at the moment.
Short answer, do the thing, then tell them. And know that you do have people out here who have your back. Even if we're just strangers on the internet.
posted by teleri025 at 9:28 AM on February 24, 2022 [7 favorites]
You've done your research, you believe this is the right course for you, and you're ready for the possibility that you might encounter problems. Without knowing what the choice is, it's hard to give advice, but chances are, whatever it is, it's something other people have done. And that means that there's an online forum somewhere for people who have done, will do, or are in the process of doing it. Find that place and participate a bit. Open yourself up. Online friends can be real friends - and they absolutely can be supportive.
As Admiral Grace Hopper famously put it, It's easier to ask forgiveness than it is to get permission. You may be right that your parents won't emotionally support you if you need it (and everything may go perfectly, so you never need it, and you can show them that you made the right choice before they have the chance to object). If you go ahead without asking them first, and it does go badly, they won't be unsupportive from a place of "I told you so." You can even hedge your bets by giving them the benefit of a half-truth: "I should have spoken with you first," which could move them into the parental position of caregiver / savior whose job it is to help you, rather than advisor / ruler whose job it is to steer you.
Best of luck with this. If they're good parents, then they made you into the person you are, and capable of making the right choices for you, just as they made the right choices for themselves - and you'll be able to demonstrate that.
posted by Mchelly at 9:50 AM on February 24, 2022 [1 favorite]
As Admiral Grace Hopper famously put it, It's easier to ask forgiveness than it is to get permission. You may be right that your parents won't emotionally support you if you need it (and everything may go perfectly, so you never need it, and you can show them that you made the right choice before they have the chance to object). If you go ahead without asking them first, and it does go badly, they won't be unsupportive from a place of "I told you so." You can even hedge your bets by giving them the benefit of a half-truth: "I should have spoken with you first," which could move them into the parental position of caregiver / savior whose job it is to help you, rather than advisor / ruler whose job it is to steer you.
Best of luck with this. If they're good parents, then they made you into the person you are, and capable of making the right choices for you, just as they made the right choices for themselves - and you'll be able to demonstrate that.
posted by Mchelly at 9:50 AM on February 24, 2022 [1 favorite]
Find community. Depending on what you're doing, there might be specific hobby/support groups specifically related to your new life change. If not, or if that's not what you want, find a space where you can be, "Jane, the person who writes novels" or, "Jane, the person who is going through a divorce"--not like that's your only identity, but in the sense that that facet of you is just a reality. In other words, find a place where you can be this current iteration of yourself and it's not a change anyone in the group has to "adjust to" (no one is going to meet you and be like, "I've just never thought of you as a writer" or, "But the two of you were so good together" because they'll only know you as a person about who that thing is true).
posted by theotherdurassister at 10:23 AM on February 24, 2022 [3 favorites]
posted by theotherdurassister at 10:23 AM on February 24, 2022 [3 favorites]
It might help to realize that you choose your actions and your parents choose their response. Just because you do this thing, it does automatically mean that they get upset - that is their choice.
The tricky thing is that mother especially sees that if she responds negatively, she'll get what she wants - you want to the thing she doesn't like AND you and her will still have a decent relationship.
What happens when you keep your resolve and don't give in the face of her displeasure, your mother suddenly have a new choice: continue her disapproval and lose the relationship or drop the disapproval and repair the relationship. Many parents come around at this point because they really do love you and don't want to lose you completely but the bad news is that they won't come around if they think they can still get everything (you don't do it and you have a good relationship) if they just keep disapproving. So that it tough on you while you work through that process, not knowing for sure if you will get there. But if you don't then you will reinforce the pattern that your parents can stop you by disapproving.
posted by metahawk at 11:01 AM on February 24, 2022 [1 favorite]
The tricky thing is that mother especially sees that if she responds negatively, she'll get what she wants - you want to the thing she doesn't like AND you and her will still have a decent relationship.
What happens when you keep your resolve and don't give in the face of her displeasure, your mother suddenly have a new choice: continue her disapproval and lose the relationship or drop the disapproval and repair the relationship. Many parents come around at this point because they really do love you and don't want to lose you completely but the bad news is that they won't come around if they think they can still get everything (you don't do it and you have a good relationship) if they just keep disapproving. So that it tough on you while you work through that process, not knowing for sure if you will get there. But if you don't then you will reinforce the pattern that your parents can stop you by disapproving.
posted by metahawk at 11:01 AM on February 24, 2022 [1 favorite]
When I went through my divorce, my parents mostly supported me, but they were far away. And, because of the way I met my ex-husband, I lost most of my friends too. But I had a couple of people in my corner locally. Before this, some of these people were casual friends, some I really barely knew. Now these people are like family. You can form new close bonds. Reach out and ask for help. Keep asking for help until you get the support you need. I admire your strength to make this difficult decision.
posted by skunk pig at 11:11 AM on February 24, 2022
posted by skunk pig at 11:11 AM on February 24, 2022
Make the decision. Take actions to start the decision. Then tell your parents about the action. Since you are financially independent, you can the continue on with your decision regardless of their reaction. Only they can choose how they react.
In turn, you get to keep your decision and its positive results. You're making the decision because it's the right choice for you. It can bring you new community (if that's what you want) and new joy. Chosen family exists for a reason, and can be as close and supportive as biological ties. In time, maybe the parents will come round when they see how you are thriving in your new life. Maybe (sadly) they won't. But you will thrive nonetheless.
posted by nat at 12:37 PM on February 24, 2022 [1 favorite]
In turn, you get to keep your decision and its positive results. You're making the decision because it's the right choice for you. It can bring you new community (if that's what you want) and new joy. Chosen family exists for a reason, and can be as close and supportive as biological ties. In time, maybe the parents will come round when they see how you are thriving in your new life. Maybe (sadly) they won't. But you will thrive nonetheless.
posted by nat at 12:37 PM on February 24, 2022 [1 favorite]
If you may need external emotional support to be able to navigate this life move successfully, then surely responsible planning should include laying the groundwork to be able to get that support without depending on your parents, correct?
You wouldn't embark on a life adventure plan with the assumption that you will steal your parents' car in order to have a source of transportation. In the same way, I think a normal part of responsible grown-up planning has to be finding independent means of sourcing whatever emotional labor you will need, so that you don't have to fall back on extracting it for free from your parents. Some options might include working to make the friends you think you will need (by paying up your end of the emotional labor in advance). Or joining support groups or other social activities. Or researching paid emotional support assistance over and above your therapist.
I don't think it helps for you to feel aggrieved about this, as though your parents were "withholding" something that is your natural right (and I'm frankly puzzled by the responses in this thread that seemingly share that angle: if we're agreeing that your adult life choices are none of your parents' business, then surely it's also not their job to sympathize and comfort you if those choices go wrong).
Realize that it is trivially easy for internet strangers to supportively affirm your plans, however risky they are: we don't know you, we don't particularly care about you, we have invested nothing in you, and we will not suffer at all if you fail. Words of polite praise and approval cost us nothing. That kind of emotional "support" may cost exponentially more when you demand it from a parent who has been biochemically conditioned to bond deeply with you and to viscerally identify your welfare with their own. To expect it from your mom and dad, or to follow some of the advice here and cut off the relationship if you're not receiving it, seems like the reverse of independent adult behavior. So go and make some good friends and acquaintances for mutual shoulder-crying, make your big life move, and in tougher times, call your parents and tell them smilingly that you're great, things are going pretty well and you're loving life, they would not believe the interesting thing you saw the other day... That seems like the best way to ultimately look back on this year as a time when you began an adventure in independence.
posted by Bardolph at 12:54 PM on February 24, 2022 [4 favorites]
You wouldn't embark on a life adventure plan with the assumption that you will steal your parents' car in order to have a source of transportation. In the same way, I think a normal part of responsible grown-up planning has to be finding independent means of sourcing whatever emotional labor you will need, so that you don't have to fall back on extracting it for free from your parents. Some options might include working to make the friends you think you will need (by paying up your end of the emotional labor in advance). Or joining support groups or other social activities. Or researching paid emotional support assistance over and above your therapist.
I don't think it helps for you to feel aggrieved about this, as though your parents were "withholding" something that is your natural right (and I'm frankly puzzled by the responses in this thread that seemingly share that angle: if we're agreeing that your adult life choices are none of your parents' business, then surely it's also not their job to sympathize and comfort you if those choices go wrong).
Realize that it is trivially easy for internet strangers to supportively affirm your plans, however risky they are: we don't know you, we don't particularly care about you, we have invested nothing in you, and we will not suffer at all if you fail. Words of polite praise and approval cost us nothing. That kind of emotional "support" may cost exponentially more when you demand it from a parent who has been biochemically conditioned to bond deeply with you and to viscerally identify your welfare with their own. To expect it from your mom and dad, or to follow some of the advice here and cut off the relationship if you're not receiving it, seems like the reverse of independent adult behavior. So go and make some good friends and acquaintances for mutual shoulder-crying, make your big life move, and in tougher times, call your parents and tell them smilingly that you're great, things are going pretty well and you're loving life, they would not believe the interesting thing you saw the other day... That seems like the best way to ultimately look back on this year as a time when you began an adventure in independence.
posted by Bardolph at 12:54 PM on February 24, 2022 [4 favorites]
Acclimating your parents to you as a person who lives an independent life is your task. It's hard and they push back, so you maybe try to do it a little at a time, which means you are always pulling away against them. Be loving, kind, and rip off the bandaid. Do the thing that scares them or results in disapproval. Keep telling them you love them, that you want them to be happy, you value them, but, of course, you have to live your life. You've stopped living your own life in response to them, and that just teaches them to do it more. Do your best to develop some additional supports. I know it's not easy, but I'll bet they really love you and will get over it
posted by theora55 at 4:04 PM on February 24, 2022 [1 favorite]
posted by theora55 at 4:04 PM on February 24, 2022 [1 favorite]
It is in most caring parent's nature to be conservative in their advice and cautions with their children. But, they cannot live your life. I'm sorry that your parents haven't evolved their relationship with you past the point where they would have the expectation of consultation in your major life events. Like, I have enjoyed the times when I could bounce around an idea with my parents and get their thoughts but...in the end, it was always up to me once I was out of the house and on my own. Maybe I never did anything that scary or thrilling? I know it was a BIG DEAL when I wanted to move in with my boyfriend/fiance before marriage. But my mom merely said, "Well, you know I wish you were already married but..." and let it drop. Clearly you aren't in that place with your parents but I think you should start moving toward that place starting now.
Also, withholding emotional support is a really mean thing to do to the children that you love. If those are the cards they are playing then they don't really deserve to have you in their life as a confidante. You know? Make the motions to do the thing. Tell them when you feel like it, if you do. If it comes up and they are all offended then just laugh it off and say, "Yeah, I didn't want you to talk me out of it. I know you love me and I just had to make this change."
posted by amanda at 4:09 PM on February 24, 2022
Also, withholding emotional support is a really mean thing to do to the children that you love. If those are the cards they are playing then they don't really deserve to have you in their life as a confidante. You know? Make the motions to do the thing. Tell them when you feel like it, if you do. If it comes up and they are all offended then just laugh it off and say, "Yeah, I didn't want you to talk me out of it. I know you love me and I just had to make this change."
posted by amanda at 4:09 PM on February 24, 2022
Response by poster: So.. I just had a blubbery breakdown over the phone with my folks and told them that I am afraid of losing their support and admiration. They assured me of all the things you each have expressed, that I am their daughter, that they will never withdraw support of me no matter what, and that most importantly I am an adult who deserves to live her life. It's going to take a while for that to sink in because so much has happened over the past few weeks that I can no longer tell up from down. But I wanted to share. Thank you.
posted by The Adventure Begins at 5:21 PM on February 24, 2022 [21 favorites]
posted by The Adventure Begins at 5:21 PM on February 24, 2022 [21 favorites]
Response by poster: Of course not everything is perfect: my parents are persuading me not to do what I want as they have in the past so now I have to push back. 😑😔😒
posted by The Adventure Begins at 12:19 PM on February 27, 2022 [1 favorite]
posted by The Adventure Begins at 12:19 PM on February 27, 2022 [1 favorite]
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posted by The Adventure Begins at 6:04 AM on February 24, 2022 [3 favorites]