Resources for maintaining a pleasant, chill demeanor at work?
January 30, 2022 4:51 PM Subscribe
I'm interested in resources about putting on a pleasant, unruffled front at work (whether it's real or it's a mask to get through difficult situations). Customer service training? Handbooks for international diplomats and negotiators? Poker face exercises for poker players?
I love my job, and I'm at a point where I'll make the most headway in my career if I can approach the work with some deliberate poise and a charm offensive (I am naturally bubbly and this will not be a big stretch). Lately I've feeling too blunt and ready to fight about the short term; I need to play the long game and pick my battles.
I'm curious about what resources are out there for training people up on this. I know this is a key part of other lines of work.
I work in a specialized part of IT, and my interactions are with designers, developers, and managers at my company. But I'm still interested in perspectives from any industry.
I love my job, and I'm at a point where I'll make the most headway in my career if I can approach the work with some deliberate poise and a charm offensive (I am naturally bubbly and this will not be a big stretch). Lately I've feeling too blunt and ready to fight about the short term; I need to play the long game and pick my battles.
I'm curious about what resources are out there for training people up on this. I know this is a key part of other lines of work.
I work in a specialized part of IT, and my interactions are with designers, developers, and managers at my company. But I'm still interested in perspectives from any industry.
Yes, mindfulness is key. (To be honest, for me, this meant getting comfortable with deliberately manipulating people. Figure out the emotional needs of the person you're talking to, and play to that.)
posted by SPrintF at 5:02 PM on January 30, 2022 [2 favorites]
posted by SPrintF at 5:02 PM on January 30, 2022 [2 favorites]
You might find this article about how bomb disposal experts stay calm useful.
In addition to the excellent advice about mindfulness, I have found that the single thing that works best for me is to be very clear on my goals, for the organization, the particular project I'm dealing with at that moment, and for the relationship I have with the person I'm talking to. Taking a few minutes to clarify my thinking before any encounters that I know could be difficult is very worthwhile.
posted by rpfields at 5:09 PM on January 30, 2022 [8 favorites]
In addition to the excellent advice about mindfulness, I have found that the single thing that works best for me is to be very clear on my goals, for the organization, the particular project I'm dealing with at that moment, and for the relationship I have with the person I'm talking to. Taking a few minutes to clarify my thinking before any encounters that I know could be difficult is very worthwhile.
posted by rpfields at 5:09 PM on January 30, 2022 [8 favorites]
A peer I admire greatly for this ability strives to “always be the most reasonable person in the toom@ which is great advice when I can cool
My jets enough to remember.
posted by purenitrous at 6:01 PM on January 30, 2022 [8 favorites]
My jets enough to remember.
posted by purenitrous at 6:01 PM on January 30, 2022 [8 favorites]
What that has helped me has been having a lot of experiences with unreasonable people under my belt. Because of these experiences, when someone behaves oddly in a way to put me off balance - starting a childish tantrum, unleashing disproportionate anger, making an unreasonable demand, suddenly succumbing to despair (how can I tell them no like this?? now what will they do?? that sort of thing) - I am basically unimpressed. So, what, you're going to raise your voice at me or something? Look, do you want my help or not? I imagine that this is what people with high-stakes jobs, like nurses, feel like after an even shorter career.
I've worked food service, home appliance repair, and apartment maintenance in a commercial space full of tourists, all these jobs are full of contact with the general public. Now I'm out of my twenties and out of jobs that are socially coded as subordinate/low class, I no longer fend off daily dehumanization, but I've experienced much of the entitlement, condescension, and classicism you can imagine. Not to mention literal sociopaths! They're out there and especially amongst the affluent.
Anyway. So many people whose response to stress or a bad situation, or even just an answer they don't like or a mystery/problem we couldn't yet solve in the moment, is to fall back on an unhelpful emotional response, and then be unable to recognize their own experience of the 'crisis.' My naive guess is that when you talk about being unruffled, you're talking about handling people whose emotional reactions or strategies, conscious or unconscious, are not working well for them in your workplace. And yeah it's so fucking annoying.
The contrast of everyday people's reactions to very important and very unimportant things, really stands out to me, and the absurdities of them. It helps a lot when I've been yelled at by millionaires AND off the rack software yuppies, about a non-critical appliance feature or a bagel sandwich, and when I have seen people who behave very kindly when they are dealing with real difficulty. I've met thousands of people from all walks of life, often one on one, briefly, but in their home environment where they are most themselves. Often dealing with an inconvenience. So it really puts things into perspective when I see someone emotionally handling problems or crises vs. not. It doesn't make the ones acting immature or losing their shit any more or less deserving of help, but I would say they were acting with more or less kindness and for that I judge them mercilessly inside my head.
Some small examples, I fixed a gas range for a family whose mom was undergoing chemo with a bad prognosis, she was morose and withdrawn about even living life that day, and then I returned to that house a few months later for an unrelated reason and she was thriving and in good cheer. And I've seen people in other personal crises because I happened to be in their home at those times. I have also had men who were older, richer, higher status, and/or physically larger than me, give me all kinds of pointless tantrum moods without being able to recognize or admit that this was their personal combination of grasping for help and lashing out, and all I could think was, Really? Are you done yet? Guess which circumstances I am more impressed by, and which ones have me actually restraining my laughter at toddler behavior.
I can tell you there is a fundamental difference between fixing a problem in a hands-on manner, and being present or accommodating of their emotions and thoughts on the matter. You can do both, or only one, or neither. Sometimes you can't fix the problem, sometimes the person cannot be accommodated or pleased or soothed. But it's important to determine what the concrete problem is. They need their dryer fixed, or their sandwich, or their code to be functional on X date. If you can't figure out that part- They may be seeking an emotional goal instead of a concrete one, or having them confused with each other. People often don't or can't notice this for some reason, especially the ones who are annoying in the manners previously described. Doesn't mean their problems are more or less important, but it can make delivering bad news feel absurd when they take a circumstance as a personal attack, as if I and the world are against them.
I can recommend two things;
Any kind of public-facing interaction where the real stakes are appreciably higher or lower. It will give you really valuable perspective. Maybe you could look for a way to have some varied interactions with the public. Volunteering of course, or a part time job. Something where you need to give yourself, be there for other people, help people, make effort- Not something where you are the customer, consumer, audience, recipient, etc. You'll be exposed to some feather-ruffling interactions about relatively unimportant things, and when you see that people get Just As Upset, it can make that kind of thing less ruffled in your day job. Or if you volunteer in healthcare, eldercare, hospice, animal care, you'll be doing things assuredly more important than your current job, emotionally speaking. The situations of your day job may not feel as critical, and that is important to keep in perspective and will help you stay steady.
The other thing that helped me was reading psychology. I especially benefitted from transactional analysis and some of the book Games People Play by Eric Berne (1966), and other interpersonal models such as the Karpmann drama triangle. These are good starting points for being able to notice immediately when someone's real needs and emotional needs don't line up or make sense together, or there's something complex going on. Games People Play is dated by sexism but I think the fundamental theses and most of the core ideas are worthwhile and I got a lot of value out of them. The concept of 'strokes,' behaviors he refers to as harmless 'pastimes' distinguished from 'games,' and of the 'games' there are benevolent and malevolent games, conscious and unconscious games. You would absolutely believe the utility of being able to notice and decline to be involved in a counterproductive social script. I feel like I sound so heartless when I talk about it, but it really has helped me avoid exhausting myself.
posted by panhopticon at 11:52 PM on January 30, 2022 [11 favorites]
I've worked food service, home appliance repair, and apartment maintenance in a commercial space full of tourists, all these jobs are full of contact with the general public. Now I'm out of my twenties and out of jobs that are socially coded as subordinate/low class, I no longer fend off daily dehumanization, but I've experienced much of the entitlement, condescension, and classicism you can imagine. Not to mention literal sociopaths! They're out there and especially amongst the affluent.
Anyway. So many people whose response to stress or a bad situation, or even just an answer they don't like or a mystery/problem we couldn't yet solve in the moment, is to fall back on an unhelpful emotional response, and then be unable to recognize their own experience of the 'crisis.' My naive guess is that when you talk about being unruffled, you're talking about handling people whose emotional reactions or strategies, conscious or unconscious, are not working well for them in your workplace. And yeah it's so fucking annoying.
The contrast of everyday people's reactions to very important and very unimportant things, really stands out to me, and the absurdities of them. It helps a lot when I've been yelled at by millionaires AND off the rack software yuppies, about a non-critical appliance feature or a bagel sandwich, and when I have seen people who behave very kindly when they are dealing with real difficulty. I've met thousands of people from all walks of life, often one on one, briefly, but in their home environment where they are most themselves. Often dealing with an inconvenience. So it really puts things into perspective when I see someone emotionally handling problems or crises vs. not. It doesn't make the ones acting immature or losing their shit any more or less deserving of help, but I would say they were acting with more or less kindness and for that I judge them mercilessly inside my head.
Some small examples, I fixed a gas range for a family whose mom was undergoing chemo with a bad prognosis, she was morose and withdrawn about even living life that day, and then I returned to that house a few months later for an unrelated reason and she was thriving and in good cheer. And I've seen people in other personal crises because I happened to be in their home at those times. I have also had men who were older, richer, higher status, and/or physically larger than me, give me all kinds of pointless tantrum moods without being able to recognize or admit that this was their personal combination of grasping for help and lashing out, and all I could think was, Really? Are you done yet? Guess which circumstances I am more impressed by, and which ones have me actually restraining my laughter at toddler behavior.
I can tell you there is a fundamental difference between fixing a problem in a hands-on manner, and being present or accommodating of their emotions and thoughts on the matter. You can do both, or only one, or neither. Sometimes you can't fix the problem, sometimes the person cannot be accommodated or pleased or soothed. But it's important to determine what the concrete problem is. They need their dryer fixed, or their sandwich, or their code to be functional on X date. If you can't figure out that part- They may be seeking an emotional goal instead of a concrete one, or having them confused with each other. People often don't or can't notice this for some reason, especially the ones who are annoying in the manners previously described. Doesn't mean their problems are more or less important, but it can make delivering bad news feel absurd when they take a circumstance as a personal attack, as if I and the world are against them.
I can recommend two things;
Any kind of public-facing interaction where the real stakes are appreciably higher or lower. It will give you really valuable perspective. Maybe you could look for a way to have some varied interactions with the public. Volunteering of course, or a part time job. Something where you need to give yourself, be there for other people, help people, make effort- Not something where you are the customer, consumer, audience, recipient, etc. You'll be exposed to some feather-ruffling interactions about relatively unimportant things, and when you see that people get Just As Upset, it can make that kind of thing less ruffled in your day job. Or if you volunteer in healthcare, eldercare, hospice, animal care, you'll be doing things assuredly more important than your current job, emotionally speaking. The situations of your day job may not feel as critical, and that is important to keep in perspective and will help you stay steady.
The other thing that helped me was reading psychology. I especially benefitted from transactional analysis and some of the book Games People Play by Eric Berne (1966), and other interpersonal models such as the Karpmann drama triangle. These are good starting points for being able to notice immediately when someone's real needs and emotional needs don't line up or make sense together, or there's something complex going on. Games People Play is dated by sexism but I think the fundamental theses and most of the core ideas are worthwhile and I got a lot of value out of them. The concept of 'strokes,' behaviors he refers to as harmless 'pastimes' distinguished from 'games,' and of the 'games' there are benevolent and malevolent games, conscious and unconscious games. You would absolutely believe the utility of being able to notice and decline to be involved in a counterproductive social script. I feel like I sound so heartless when I talk about it, but it really has helped me avoid exhausting myself.
posted by panhopticon at 11:52 PM on January 30, 2022 [11 favorites]
That Berne book is (datedness aside) pure gold.
Would also add having something to remind you of your intention. Piece of jewelry, object in your office, whatever — you see it and refocus. This has worked for me.
posted by cupcakeninja at 4:02 AM on January 31, 2022 [3 favorites]
Would also add having something to remind you of your intention. Piece of jewelry, object in your office, whatever — you see it and refocus. This has worked for me.
posted by cupcakeninja at 4:02 AM on January 31, 2022 [3 favorites]
When I know I have a difficult meeting, I wear nail polish - unusual for me. During the meeting, seeing my hands looking more polished than usual helps me remember I'm trying to act poised.
posted by nouvelle-personne at 6:11 AM on January 31, 2022 [4 favorites]
posted by nouvelle-personne at 6:11 AM on January 31, 2022 [4 favorites]
Agree that working low-stakes face to face with the general public is great training for all eventualities! Waiting tables is kinda perfect because you're often the messenger for bad news outside of your control.
I also like to keep the goal in mind (as in, specifically thinking about what outcomes are acceptable) - no point making enemies over the battle when you need them onside to win the war. In the meeting situation I always have my notebook with me and I actually take with me a list of things that are important here (slightly scrawled so not easy to read if necessary!). If I feel a rise, I get my pen and go to make a note or a doodle (I'm always doodling) to take a breath and consider whether this is a moment to engage or not. Practice disengagement with anything that does not fit your priorities.
posted by london explorer girl at 7:46 AM on January 31, 2022 [1 favorite]
I also like to keep the goal in mind (as in, specifically thinking about what outcomes are acceptable) - no point making enemies over the battle when you need them onside to win the war. In the meeting situation I always have my notebook with me and I actually take with me a list of things that are important here (slightly scrawled so not easy to read if necessary!). If I feel a rise, I get my pen and go to make a note or a doodle (I'm always doodling) to take a breath and consider whether this is a moment to engage or not. Practice disengagement with anything that does not fit your priorities.
posted by london explorer girl at 7:46 AM on January 31, 2022 [1 favorite]
Meditate at least twenty minutes every morning.
As the late Thich Nhat Hahn said "Meditation is not to escape from society, but to come back to ourselves."
As a practical matter being fully present means I don’t get caught up in drama. The only downside is people thinking I should be freaked out because they are.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 9:46 AM on January 31, 2022 [1 favorite]
As the late Thich Nhat Hahn said "Meditation is not to escape from society, but to come back to ourselves."
As a practical matter being fully present means I don’t get caught up in drama. The only downside is people thinking I should be freaked out because they are.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 9:46 AM on January 31, 2022 [1 favorite]
I love these answers.
At the risk of being a broken record, taking martial arts gave me a lot of space to control my reactions, partly because in practicing sparring even a little I had to learn to handle my own adrenaline. Partly probably because of hitting things most nights. (I have to admit the pandemic is rattling this zen somewhat though. Progress isn't always linear!)
posted by warriorqueen at 10:35 AM on January 31, 2022
At the risk of being a broken record, taking martial arts gave me a lot of space to control my reactions, partly because in practicing sparring even a little I had to learn to handle my own adrenaline. Partly probably because of hitting things most nights. (I have to admit the pandemic is rattling this zen somewhat though. Progress isn't always linear!)
posted by warriorqueen at 10:35 AM on January 31, 2022
Practice NOT filling in silence. When someone says something to you, especially emotion-baity things, just say something like "oh" or "hm". Then wait three seconds. Ask a question. Take your time. It feels like an eternity, but it saves you from jumping on the panic! bandwagon so, so often. There are very few things on a daily basis that truly require instant reflexes at work.
I mean, it sounds like I'm answering "how do I do X" with "just do X", but that's really where you start. Don't react to things right away. You have all the time you want.
posted by ctmf at 5:46 PM on January 31, 2022 [1 favorite]
I mean, it sounds like I'm answering "how do I do X" with "just do X", but that's really where you start. Don't react to things right away. You have all the time you want.
posted by ctmf at 5:46 PM on January 31, 2022 [1 favorite]
My favorites when someone's trying to hijack me into some doom or panic scenario:
- Describe their emotion. "That sounds bad!" (couple of second pause)
- Remember a time something like this has happened before. There are no newly-invented problems. Say something like "yeah, that happens sometimes."
- Try to focus on "what do we do now" way more than "whose fault is this". Sometimes what we do now kind of depends on who made a mistake and how, but not as much as it seems like. Letting that person know not to do that again is a tidy up loose ends kind of thing, not usually important right away.
posted by ctmf at 6:02 PM on January 31, 2022 [2 favorites]
- Describe their emotion. "That sounds bad!" (couple of second pause)
- Remember a time something like this has happened before. There are no newly-invented problems. Say something like "yeah, that happens sometimes."
- Try to focus on "what do we do now" way more than "whose fault is this". Sometimes what we do now kind of depends on who made a mistake and how, but not as much as it seems like. Letting that person know not to do that again is a tidy up loose ends kind of thing, not usually important right away.
posted by ctmf at 6:02 PM on January 31, 2022 [2 favorites]
The word “detach” is a good mental shorthand that reminds me to not react immediately—and I like the idea of associating that with some kind of external object like a piece of jewelry or a pen or polished nails.
Having rhythm is crucial. I’m talking about actual musical rhythm, the beat of a song, the rhythm your heart has. Taking the appropriate amount of beats before responding to re-set the pace of an interaction that’s ramping up makes you look amazing and puts you in control. Even if inside you want to jump on what they’re saying, taking a beat or three is never ever ever going to backfire, and everyone will remember how you were the adult in the room. Speaking at the pace a calm person would speak has a way of turning you into the calm person. The Obama [beat] “well, look,” [two beats] works well for this.
My bosses are lawyers and I have gotten used to Socratic questions and interview tactics to get more information out of me and get me to solve my own problems. These are now second nature to me as well. “Tell me more about…” “interesting, what makes you say…” “What do you propose?” “What happened the last time x did y?” Etc etc.
I know you say you want to look chill and pleasant, but don’t forget the power of No. I literally stopped having time to get wrapped up in other people’s emotions and problems and all my people pleaser training went out the window. Because I’m a default Yes, a well-placed polite No gets me more respect than I ever thought possible.
posted by kapers at 10:56 PM on January 31, 2022 [3 favorites]
Having rhythm is crucial. I’m talking about actual musical rhythm, the beat of a song, the rhythm your heart has. Taking the appropriate amount of beats before responding to re-set the pace of an interaction that’s ramping up makes you look amazing and puts you in control. Even if inside you want to jump on what they’re saying, taking a beat or three is never ever ever going to backfire, and everyone will remember how you were the adult in the room. Speaking at the pace a calm person would speak has a way of turning you into the calm person. The Obama [beat] “well, look,” [two beats] works well for this.
My bosses are lawyers and I have gotten used to Socratic questions and interview tactics to get more information out of me and get me to solve my own problems. These are now second nature to me as well. “Tell me more about…” “interesting, what makes you say…” “What do you propose?” “What happened the last time x did y?” Etc etc.
I know you say you want to look chill and pleasant, but don’t forget the power of No. I literally stopped having time to get wrapped up in other people’s emotions and problems and all my people pleaser training went out the window. Because I’m a default Yes, a well-placed polite No gets me more respect than I ever thought possible.
posted by kapers at 10:56 PM on January 31, 2022 [3 favorites]
Sounds like you work in IT - you may want to grab your fellow project managers as this is part and parcel of that job role. I'm an IT project manager and "putting on a pleasant, unruffled front at work" is very much part of the deal. Even if I have Teams messages coming at me, people pissed off about yet another damn IT initiative and project executive demanding pie in the sky yesterday.
A lot of it I learnt on the job, but if you look on any project management soft skills training, there may be useful things in there. Or you may want to get your PM colleague a coffee and ask what their secret is. The other thing I found really helpful is the volunteering I do with Crisis textline which taught me about having a compassionate, curious outlook regardless of whether the conversation is about assessing suicide risk or trying to deal with an unreasonable project stakeholder.
posted by coffee_monster at 7:14 AM on February 2, 2022
A lot of it I learnt on the job, but if you look on any project management soft skills training, there may be useful things in there. Or you may want to get your PM colleague a coffee and ask what their secret is. The other thing I found really helpful is the volunteering I do with Crisis textline which taught me about having a compassionate, curious outlook regardless of whether the conversation is about assessing suicide risk or trying to deal with an unreasonable project stakeholder.
posted by coffee_monster at 7:14 AM on February 2, 2022
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posted by saturdaymornings at 5:00 PM on January 30, 2022 [5 favorites]