Am I being lovebombed or did I hit a jackpot?
January 24, 2022 10:28 AM Subscribe
Tldr; a guy I’ve been seeing for a few weeks wants to talk about feelings majority of time we sped together, among others crying because i am not ready to commit just yet and i don’t say I love him while trying extra hard to impress/claim me. Yet I got told to keep him because seems to genuinely love me.
Am I being lovebombed?
I am 30F and started seeing someone (31M) I've met online rather recently. We met up without romantic purpose but he seemed collected, good listener, reasonable, we shared values...it’s been years since I had someone invested in me and my past experience include cheating, not holding himself accountable, ignoring problems, refusing to communicate, put 0 mental effort into daily life as well as the relationship and kept gaslighting, calling names...
After spending some time back and forth and on my own and genuinely enjoying it, I met this guy who seemed to be the total opposite of what i was used to - caring, smart, we had similar values in life, all good, i had friendly feelings towads him because i did not feel quite ready to move on romantically yet.
He would surprise me often with gifts, replied often immediately, would visit me and even help around the household obviously without me asking (dishes, taking dog out, offering to cook… – and I am pointing that out who because i was never used to such behavior.), he is smart and capable, knows his way around life and is not someone passive/only complaining.
A short time of knowing each other and being friends I was not feeling well. I canceled a meetup and he was »okay« with it..only to show up in front of my doorstep. I freaked out and after an hour he was still there. Finally I let him in, he brought me some food and painkillers, i told him this was not cool. He said that we »were talking about maybe him coming over but since we havent specified when, he just came over«. I did hypothetically say it would be nice to get some food delivered, but he doesn’t live close and I did not really tell him to come over or that/when should we meet. It did not sit well with me, but he used it as excuse and he said this was just the way he was – willing to help.
I brushed it off and some time later we kissed. Since then things started to happen RAPIDLY on his end. He wouldnt take his hands off me anymore and already a few minutes started saying how happily enamoured he is. He even slept over without my invitation then (trains were available …) but i asked him to use couch. I am neurodivergent and struggle with social cues. This guy is very expressive, which helps. But it went overboard, 2 weeks in, he told me he loved me, how he finally felt true love again and he wants me to move in with him once his house is finished. I pointed out clearly I am not ready for relationship yet – or maybe ever, i've had a rough path until recently – but I appreciate his company and i would be happy to see where it goes. I am not the one to commit very easily. He understood...for a few days. And then he declared that »if you ask me, we are in relationship« since we spent a lot of time together. He is constantly worried about me and is desperately trying to help wherever he can to the point that it annoys me that he interfers with every aspect of my life. I am a little bit too fiercly independent, I admit, and I am working on it, but it seems excessive. I communicated that and he kept telling me that this is just who he is, that his parents also function that way that they are basically merged and never leave each other’s side for 50+ years already. It is normal for him to help any way he can and the wants to talk about our feelings.
Now here is what grinds my gears – I know what it feels like being stonewalled, emotionally blackmailed, manipulated and I do not wish to do this to another person. I am not where he wants me to be in relationship. I have made this clear. Yet, I do not want to limit someone's personality traits to adjust my own needs. I am EXHAUSTED of literally spending majority of time to discuss the dynamics and relationship possibilities as i had to press brakes sometimes... I am so tired that I need rest from these talks, yet I do not want to be a stonewaller and refuse to talk about it if he wants to as I was not heard many times before in relationships. It is over and over again, him saying he feels like »he is not good enough for me to give him a chance«, »he is not worthy of me taking a leap from my bad experiences«, »if i loved him, I would be ready for relationship«, »happiness is only true when it is shared so I am only truly happy when I'm having a partner in his life«, »true love like this is rare to find and he should not let it go easily«, »he is not going anywhere«. And we are talking all of these 2-8 weeks in.
I am also bothered with the almost terrirorial behavior – while he is not displaying jealousy, when we were among the people, he is passively/«jokingly« hinting to the fact how well he knows me, what kind of underwear i am having, what he is doing for me, what he gifted me, even explaining people what kind of poop my dog had so of course my friends became under impression that this is advancing very fast. I am very uncomfortable with excessive PDA but he is all over me the entire time and pushing him away did not do the trick. I had to clearly state it to him. At one point he even started grabbing my breast in from of my friends and first i was frozen, the other time i pushed him away. He did not recollect it the next day as he was allegedly too drunk and felt very ashamed.
He is imo desperately trying to display his affection and I noticed early on he might be struggling with codependency – I even pointed it out to him but he said he »used to be very codependent but he is managing it«. He is okay if i want time alone, which i do, but he said he rather spends it with me 24/7 and do his own thing next to me instead of us »not seeing each other for a few days«. He tells me that he knows I care about him and does not want to lose me. That he went into it with no expectations but fell in love and you can't order the heart around. I said recently that he behaves like on a death row – overacting about every single thing because he is terrified that i will leave after any minor »mismatch«. He cried and said it was true. In addition, I did not want to be dishonest and never told him I loved him too. That he always got discarded and even his latest ex who got severely ill, wanted to go through it alone, meaning he was discarded like trash and abandoned.
Intimate life was also okay-technically speaking-but immediately since the first kiss, he was coming accross VERY strong; after we had first sex, he just wanted it the whole time and I felt bad having to reject him so often. I am recovering from MANY unpleasant experiences and he is aware of that. He said it is okay if i am not in the mood and proceeds trying a little later. Or flirting in a sexual way etc. That is okay for the hooneymoon phase i guess, but this guy...
He would go on about how unwanted he feels, how i am not choosing him, expressing his undying love and how much it would hurt if i broke things off; when I said I cant give him guarantees this early on and in the current mindset, he said »so you are rejecting me as a person and give me pain«. , »he is being kicked to the curb once again, like in all the relationships«.
...and afterwards initiates sex once again, yet after I refuse it he wants to know why, if I'm tired, and how it »is okay if I am not in the mood«, and he points out many times how okay it is..
I am EXHAUSTED of discussing »feelings« almost as a full time job. He even acknowledged it and I agreed, so he said he will try to stop. But I do not know if I am the asshole for limiting someone's personality traits or if I am being lovebombed? I am concerned because I realized some rather similar behavior from the past and the same guy lovebombed me to the point that I left ; a few months later wrote me a letter how I am the biggest scum of earth and I should die. Some people that met him tell me however that he is great, I should not screw it up as it seems that he really loves me and this is not easy to get, especially not in my age.
Am I being lovebombed?
I am 30F and started seeing someone (31M) I've met online rather recently. We met up without romantic purpose but he seemed collected, good listener, reasonable, we shared values...it’s been years since I had someone invested in me and my past experience include cheating, not holding himself accountable, ignoring problems, refusing to communicate, put 0 mental effort into daily life as well as the relationship and kept gaslighting, calling names...
After spending some time back and forth and on my own and genuinely enjoying it, I met this guy who seemed to be the total opposite of what i was used to - caring, smart, we had similar values in life, all good, i had friendly feelings towads him because i did not feel quite ready to move on romantically yet.
He would surprise me often with gifts, replied often immediately, would visit me and even help around the household obviously without me asking (dishes, taking dog out, offering to cook… – and I am pointing that out who because i was never used to such behavior.), he is smart and capable, knows his way around life and is not someone passive/only complaining.
A short time of knowing each other and being friends I was not feeling well. I canceled a meetup and he was »okay« with it..only to show up in front of my doorstep. I freaked out and after an hour he was still there. Finally I let him in, he brought me some food and painkillers, i told him this was not cool. He said that we »were talking about maybe him coming over but since we havent specified when, he just came over«. I did hypothetically say it would be nice to get some food delivered, but he doesn’t live close and I did not really tell him to come over or that/when should we meet. It did not sit well with me, but he used it as excuse and he said this was just the way he was – willing to help.
I brushed it off and some time later we kissed. Since then things started to happen RAPIDLY on his end. He wouldnt take his hands off me anymore and already a few minutes started saying how happily enamoured he is. He even slept over without my invitation then (trains were available …) but i asked him to use couch. I am neurodivergent and struggle with social cues. This guy is very expressive, which helps. But it went overboard, 2 weeks in, he told me he loved me, how he finally felt true love again and he wants me to move in with him once his house is finished. I pointed out clearly I am not ready for relationship yet – or maybe ever, i've had a rough path until recently – but I appreciate his company and i would be happy to see where it goes. I am not the one to commit very easily. He understood...for a few days. And then he declared that »if you ask me, we are in relationship« since we spent a lot of time together. He is constantly worried about me and is desperately trying to help wherever he can to the point that it annoys me that he interfers with every aspect of my life. I am a little bit too fiercly independent, I admit, and I am working on it, but it seems excessive. I communicated that and he kept telling me that this is just who he is, that his parents also function that way that they are basically merged and never leave each other’s side for 50+ years already. It is normal for him to help any way he can and the wants to talk about our feelings.
Now here is what grinds my gears – I know what it feels like being stonewalled, emotionally blackmailed, manipulated and I do not wish to do this to another person. I am not where he wants me to be in relationship. I have made this clear. Yet, I do not want to limit someone's personality traits to adjust my own needs. I am EXHAUSTED of literally spending majority of time to discuss the dynamics and relationship possibilities as i had to press brakes sometimes... I am so tired that I need rest from these talks, yet I do not want to be a stonewaller and refuse to talk about it if he wants to as I was not heard many times before in relationships. It is over and over again, him saying he feels like »he is not good enough for me to give him a chance«, »he is not worthy of me taking a leap from my bad experiences«, »if i loved him, I would be ready for relationship«, »happiness is only true when it is shared so I am only truly happy when I'm having a partner in his life«, »true love like this is rare to find and he should not let it go easily«, »he is not going anywhere«. And we are talking all of these 2-8 weeks in.
I am also bothered with the almost terrirorial behavior – while he is not displaying jealousy, when we were among the people, he is passively/«jokingly« hinting to the fact how well he knows me, what kind of underwear i am having, what he is doing for me, what he gifted me, even explaining people what kind of poop my dog had so of course my friends became under impression that this is advancing very fast. I am very uncomfortable with excessive PDA but he is all over me the entire time and pushing him away did not do the trick. I had to clearly state it to him. At one point he even started grabbing my breast in from of my friends and first i was frozen, the other time i pushed him away. He did not recollect it the next day as he was allegedly too drunk and felt very ashamed.
He is imo desperately trying to display his affection and I noticed early on he might be struggling with codependency – I even pointed it out to him but he said he »used to be very codependent but he is managing it«. He is okay if i want time alone, which i do, but he said he rather spends it with me 24/7 and do his own thing next to me instead of us »not seeing each other for a few days«. He tells me that he knows I care about him and does not want to lose me. That he went into it with no expectations but fell in love and you can't order the heart around. I said recently that he behaves like on a death row – overacting about every single thing because he is terrified that i will leave after any minor »mismatch«. He cried and said it was true. In addition, I did not want to be dishonest and never told him I loved him too. That he always got discarded and even his latest ex who got severely ill, wanted to go through it alone, meaning he was discarded like trash and abandoned.
Intimate life was also okay-technically speaking-but immediately since the first kiss, he was coming accross VERY strong; after we had first sex, he just wanted it the whole time and I felt bad having to reject him so often. I am recovering from MANY unpleasant experiences and he is aware of that. He said it is okay if i am not in the mood and proceeds trying a little later. Or flirting in a sexual way etc. That is okay for the hooneymoon phase i guess, but this guy...
He would go on about how unwanted he feels, how i am not choosing him, expressing his undying love and how much it would hurt if i broke things off; when I said I cant give him guarantees this early on and in the current mindset, he said »so you are rejecting me as a person and give me pain«. , »he is being kicked to the curb once again, like in all the relationships«.
...and afterwards initiates sex once again, yet after I refuse it he wants to know why, if I'm tired, and how it »is okay if I am not in the mood«, and he points out many times how okay it is..
I am EXHAUSTED of discussing »feelings« almost as a full time job. He even acknowledged it and I agreed, so he said he will try to stop. But I do not know if I am the asshole for limiting someone's personality traits or if I am being lovebombed? I am concerned because I realized some rather similar behavior from the past and the same guy lovebombed me to the point that I left ; a few months later wrote me a letter how I am the biggest scum of earth and I should die. Some people that met him tell me however that he is great, I should not screw it up as it seems that he really loves me and this is not easy to get, especially not in my age.
Then those people can date him. This sounds like something you don't want, it makes you uncomfortable, and that on its own is MORE than enough reason to end a relationship.
posted by augustimagination at 10:31 AM on January 24, 2022 [27 favorites]
posted by augustimagination at 10:31 AM on January 24, 2022 [27 favorites]
OMG do not listen to those people. This guy is an awful, horrible, red-flag laden, boundary pushing CREEP and you should RUN not walk.
And this: He wouldnt take his hands off me anymore and already a few minutes started saying how happily enamoured he is. is NOT okay and I'm sorry this is happening to you. You deserve way better.
Sometimes things move fast, sometimes things move slow, neither is right or wrong. The important thing is that you CONSENT, and that it feels GOOD for YOU.
posted by stray at 10:32 AM on January 24, 2022 [53 favorites]
And this: He wouldnt take his hands off me anymore and already a few minutes started saying how happily enamoured he is. is NOT okay and I'm sorry this is happening to you. You deserve way better.
Sometimes things move fast, sometimes things move slow, neither is right or wrong. The important thing is that you CONSENT, and that it feels GOOD for YOU.
posted by stray at 10:32 AM on January 24, 2022 [53 favorites]
In particular, the pressuring about sex & physical coercion you describe stands out to me as extremely not okay, if it helps to hear that validated. You have this 38-year-old woman's agreement that this SUCKS (and that you can find safe, healthy relationships at any age and do not have to settle for this bullshit!)
posted by augustimagination at 10:36 AM on January 24, 2022 [12 favorites]
posted by augustimagination at 10:36 AM on January 24, 2022 [12 favorites]
Oh boy. There is a giant red flag unfurling in front of me as I read each paragraph. But this: At one point he even started grabbing my breast in from of my friends and first i was frozen, the other time i pushed him away.
This is not okay. Not for you, not for your friends. My husband (whom I married when I was 39 - don’t let your age be a factor) doesn’t even do that.
Bounce like Tigger away from this guy and don’t look back.
posted by kimberussell at 10:40 AM on January 24, 2022 [26 favorites]
This is not okay. Not for you, not for your friends. My husband (whom I married when I was 39 - don’t let your age be a factor) doesn’t even do that.
Bounce like Tigger away from this guy and don’t look back.
posted by kimberussell at 10:40 AM on January 24, 2022 [26 favorites]
I don't see any reason why you should stay with this guy. I was already horrified when you got to "Now here is what grinds my gears."
posted by pixiecrinkle at 10:42 AM on January 24, 2022 [16 favorites]
posted by pixiecrinkle at 10:42 AM on January 24, 2022 [16 favorites]
I went on 3 dates with a guy who acted like this. Only years later I realised that I never actually consented to any of our sexual contact and in a few cases he continued through me saying "no" and "not yet". At the time I convinced myself I was the problem. Please don't end up like me.
This is way, way too much drama and too many red flags for any relationship, let alone one that's only been in existence for a few weeks (!!!).
Dump him. ASAP.
posted by fight or flight at 10:43 AM on January 24, 2022 [15 favorites]
This is way, way too much drama and too many red flags for any relationship, let alone one that's only been in existence for a few weeks (!!!).
Dump him. ASAP.
posted by fight or flight at 10:43 AM on January 24, 2022 [15 favorites]
You've been seeing him for a few weeks and you a heap of real issues with how he's treating you at this very early stage. You can FULL STOP on this just based on that without needing to define whether it's a lovebombing.
Something to note: you wrote several paragraphs about the guy and almost all of it is in the negative. That speaks volumes. The voice in your head is yelling at you. Listen to it.
posted by mcstayinskool at 10:45 AM on January 24, 2022 [18 favorites]
Something to note: you wrote several paragraphs about the guy and almost all of it is in the negative. That speaks volumes. The voice in your head is yelling at you. Listen to it.
posted by mcstayinskool at 10:45 AM on January 24, 2022 [18 favorites]
he is passively/"jokingly" hinting to the fact how well he knows me, what kind of underwear i am having, what he is doing for me, what he gifted me, even explaining people what kind of poop my dog had
No. Good lord, no.
posted by mhoye at 10:46 AM on January 24, 2022 [11 favorites]
No. Good lord, no.
posted by mhoye at 10:46 AM on January 24, 2022 [11 favorites]
...and afterwards initiates sex once again, yet after I refuse it he wants to know why, if I'm tired, and how it »is okay if I am not in the mood«, and he points out many times how okay it is..
Reading again, reflecting on my other comment and experiences: this is a prelude to sexual assault. He wanted sex, you refused, he pressured you to continue.
Once you've dumped him, if you feel capable, I would suggest talking about this experience to a professional with experience with sexual assault and toxic relationships. None of this is your fault. Everything here is him being a nasty, pushy, guilt tripping, emotionally abusive asshole.
posted by fight or flight at 10:48 AM on January 24, 2022 [27 favorites]
Reading again, reflecting on my other comment and experiences: this is a prelude to sexual assault. He wanted sex, you refused, he pressured you to continue.
Once you've dumped him, if you feel capable, I would suggest talking about this experience to a professional with experience with sexual assault and toxic relationships. None of this is your fault. Everything here is him being a nasty, pushy, guilt tripping, emotionally abusive asshole.
posted by fight or flight at 10:48 AM on January 24, 2022 [27 favorites]
There are (at least) two really valuable Metafilter threads that I know of on red flags. Both are worth a read.
posted by Violet Blue at 10:54 AM on January 24, 2022 [9 favorites]
posted by Violet Blue at 10:54 AM on January 24, 2022 [9 favorites]
A healthy relationship shouldn't be EXHAUSTING it should be invigorating, especially at this early stage.
Sounds like this is not the relationship for you. I expect that when you end things he will engage in all kinds of negotiation. I'll do X, Y & Z if you'll keep seeing me. He probably won't respect the boundary of the end of this relationship either. He may lash out or trash you in your friend group.
Prepare to go no contact and block him. Talk to a friend or two before having the break up conversation so you have some built in support for his seemingly inevitable bad reaction.
posted by brookeb at 10:56 AM on January 24, 2022 [20 favorites]
Sounds like this is not the relationship for you. I expect that when you end things he will engage in all kinds of negotiation. I'll do X, Y & Z if you'll keep seeing me. He probably won't respect the boundary of the end of this relationship either. He may lash out or trash you in your friend group.
Prepare to go no contact and block him. Talk to a friend or two before having the break up conversation so you have some built in support for his seemingly inevitable bad reaction.
posted by brookeb at 10:56 AM on January 24, 2022 [20 favorites]
He seems to be lovebombing, but what if he's not? He seems to be ignoring your boundaries, but what if he's just emotionally clumsy? What if he's really a decent guy whose emotional style is completely different than yours? (He seems like a total jerk based on what you've said, so I doubt it, but just hold that as a hypothetical for a second.)
What then? You should still break up with him because being with him makes you "bothered," "uncomfortable," and "EXHAUSTED." The standard for dating someone is that you like being with them and they like being with you.
The good news is to break up with him, you don't have to waste your time or emotional energy definitively proving (to yourself or "some people that met him") that he's a bad person. You just have to decide that he's not the right person for you. Is he?
posted by Mr.Know-it-some at 10:58 AM on January 24, 2022 [52 favorites]
What then? You should still break up with him because being with him makes you "bothered," "uncomfortable," and "EXHAUSTED." The standard for dating someone is that you like being with them and they like being with you.
The good news is to break up with him, you don't have to waste your time or emotional energy definitively proving (to yourself or "some people that met him") that he's a bad person. You just have to decide that he's not the right person for you. Is he?
posted by Mr.Know-it-some at 10:58 AM on January 24, 2022 [52 favorites]
Yet, I do not want to limit someone's personality traits to adjust my own needs.
Dude invited himself over and hung out on your doorstep for an hour. That’s huge red flag and sadly he has plenty more. Definitely end the relationship, because he’s a controlling ass who doesn’t respect you. There’s no future here, other than you being miserable. Wear the fierce independence like double armor for this guy.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 11:00 AM on January 24, 2022 [27 favorites]
Dude invited himself over and hung out on your doorstep for an hour. That’s huge red flag and sadly he has plenty more. Definitely end the relationship, because he’s a controlling ass who doesn’t respect you. There’s no future here, other than you being miserable. Wear the fierce independence like double armor for this guy.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 11:00 AM on January 24, 2022 [27 favorites]
Holy shit no no no. This isn't even lovebombing, this is grooming for abuse and actual abuse.
Your instincts are absolutely right. And any fears of doing stonewalling or emotional blackmail or whatever (and I would venture these worries are actually trauma responses) evaporate once you declare the relationship over, which you should do.
I normally tell people to end an early dating relationship by saying something non-negotiable like "I appreciate the time we've spent together but I don't want to continue forward" and not tell someone a laundry list of what's wrong with them, but in this case I would at the very least make it extra clear that this is not negotiable and you will get aggressive if he continues to disrespect your boundaries and that you will be going no-contact from this point on.
I would not do this in private. Honestly over the phone would be safest, but you should expect he will come over and generally try to trample your boundaries some more. If you can be somewhere else for a couple days it might be best.
You should tell your friends, pointedly, that he has "no understanding of the word 'no'" and let them feel shitty about telling you how great he is. They may not be very good friends if they were not feeling alarmed at his behavior.
Even if he was just benignly pushy, you always have the right to decide this isn't the kind of relationship you want to be in. There's lots of personality types and relationship types that are just not going to be interesting to you and that is FINE. You don't have to like it just because somebody else does, set the person free to go find one of them, and free yourself to find somebody you actually vibe with.
posted by Lyn Never at 11:03 AM on January 24, 2022 [37 favorites]
Your instincts are absolutely right. And any fears of doing stonewalling or emotional blackmail or whatever (and I would venture these worries are actually trauma responses) evaporate once you declare the relationship over, which you should do.
I normally tell people to end an early dating relationship by saying something non-negotiable like "I appreciate the time we've spent together but I don't want to continue forward" and not tell someone a laundry list of what's wrong with them, but in this case I would at the very least make it extra clear that this is not negotiable and you will get aggressive if he continues to disrespect your boundaries and that you will be going no-contact from this point on.
I would not do this in private. Honestly over the phone would be safest, but you should expect he will come over and generally try to trample your boundaries some more. If you can be somewhere else for a couple days it might be best.
You should tell your friends, pointedly, that he has "no understanding of the word 'no'" and let them feel shitty about telling you how great he is. They may not be very good friends if they were not feeling alarmed at his behavior.
Even if he was just benignly pushy, you always have the right to decide this isn't the kind of relationship you want to be in. There's lots of personality types and relationship types that are just not going to be interesting to you and that is FINE. You don't have to like it just because somebody else does, set the person free to go find one of them, and free yourself to find somebody you actually vibe with.
posted by Lyn Never at 11:03 AM on January 24, 2022 [37 favorites]
I'm going to pretend he doesn't sound abusive (he does!) and just add: If he wants to display "the way he is" and "help", then he can START by LISTENING TO WHAT YOU NEED and what you need is for him to BACK OFF AND LEAVE YOU ALONE.
If he's not listening at all to what you want and need and is only doing what he wants, then he isn't being helpful or loving.
(Follow other posters' advice and get away from him!)
posted by wintersweet at 11:06 AM on January 24, 2022 [3 favorites]
If he's not listening at all to what you want and need and is only doing what he wants, then he isn't being helpful or loving.
(Follow other posters' advice and get away from him!)
posted by wintersweet at 11:06 AM on January 24, 2022 [3 favorites]
My heart rate is elevated just reading the first paragraph. Please trust your instincts.
posted by atrazine at 11:09 AM on January 24, 2022 [35 favorites]
posted by atrazine at 11:09 AM on January 24, 2022 [35 favorites]
Your title says "did I hit a jackpot" and then you just describe a hundred things that suck and you hate. NO YOU DID NOT HIT A JACKPOT, that is not what a jackpot looks like! You don't mention enjoying a single thing about this person. You only note that he like, is a minimally functioning adult.
A jackpot looks like someone you enjoy! Whose actions toward you make you happy and comfortable! Who does not exhaust you, badger you, pressure you into sex you don't want, pressure you into commitments you don't want, grope you when you don't want to be groped.
Just, fuckin, no, this guy is not a jackpot.
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 11:17 AM on January 24, 2022 [27 favorites]
A jackpot looks like someone you enjoy! Whose actions toward you make you happy and comfortable! Who does not exhaust you, badger you, pressure you into sex you don't want, pressure you into commitments you don't want, grope you when you don't want to be groped.
Just, fuckin, no, this guy is not a jackpot.
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 11:17 AM on January 24, 2022 [27 favorites]
I’m coming here to very strongly echo what Lyn Never says: do not break up with this guy in private. Don’t arrange to meet him in private after you’ve told him. Have people with you when you tell him (not in person). The fact that he’s already turning up uninvited at your house turns my insides to liquid fear. Please, look after yourself enough to realise that this person is bad news for all the reasons other people have explained. You deserve so much better than this.
posted by JJZByBffqU at 11:17 AM on January 24, 2022 [60 favorites]
posted by JJZByBffqU at 11:17 AM on January 24, 2022 [60 favorites]
I almost couldn't read your entire post because I was so uncomfortable on your behalf.
He is not listening to, much less acknowledging or taking into account, your stated wishes. No matter which way those wishes go -- less affection or more affection -- yours matter, and differences must be met in the middle. Relationships aren't a ratchet.
Run. I have a feeling he's going to be hard to get rid of, even at this early stage, you might need to enlist friends' help. Run.
posted by Dashy at 11:18 AM on January 24, 2022 [13 favorites]
He is not listening to, much less acknowledging or taking into account, your stated wishes. No matter which way those wishes go -- less affection or more affection -- yours matter, and differences must be met in the middle. Relationships aren't a ratchet.
Run. I have a feeling he's going to be hard to get rid of, even at this early stage, you might need to enlist friends' help. Run.
posted by Dashy at 11:18 AM on January 24, 2022 [13 favorites]
What everyone said. This is already getting nasty. He is already ignoring your boundaries. He has already violated your consent.
But if you are limiting his personality trait to suit your own needs so what? You were finding out whether your compatible. You have different emotional needs to the point where you find him draining. I feel anxious reading that paragraph.
You know that you are incompatible. Break up with him, but yes, please do it safely and have friends with you.
posted by Laura_J at 11:23 AM on January 24, 2022 [4 favorites]
But if you are limiting his personality trait to suit your own needs so what? You were finding out whether your compatible. You have different emotional needs to the point where you find him draining. I feel anxious reading that paragraph.
You know that you are incompatible. Break up with him, but yes, please do it safely and have friends with you.
posted by Laura_J at 11:23 AM on January 24, 2022 [4 favorites]
A short time of knowing each other and being friends I was not feeling well. I canceled a meetup and he was »okay« with it..only to show up in front of my doorstep. I freaked out and after an hour he was still there.
He might not be consciously malicious.* He might just ("just") be a narcissistic self-involved idiot living in a romantic-comedy world where his relationship is with a romantic-comedy version of you, not the real, thinking, feeling person who might have reactions that run counter to his script. Which he'll ignore, because to him the script is the important thing; the real person, not so much. Definitely break up with him, and remember that it's easy for friends to see the romantic fantasy and forget that lots of fantasy tropes don't actually look so great in real life.
* Regardless of whether he's consciously malicious, a lot of these types end up acting maliciously and even violently regardless of whether they believe their intentions are good. Based on my personal experience: people who want to force things to fit a script sometimes literally use force to do that, and they'll believe that they're completely justified in doing it, because in their scripts they're the heroes. So I agree with the advice to consider him a potential danger and act accordingly.
posted by trig at 11:23 AM on January 24, 2022 [12 favorites]
He might not be consciously malicious.* He might just ("just") be a narcissistic self-involved idiot living in a romantic-comedy world where his relationship is with a romantic-comedy version of you, not the real, thinking, feeling person who might have reactions that run counter to his script. Which he'll ignore, because to him the script is the important thing; the real person, not so much. Definitely break up with him, and remember that it's easy for friends to see the romantic fantasy and forget that lots of fantasy tropes don't actually look so great in real life.
* Regardless of whether he's consciously malicious, a lot of these types end up acting maliciously and even violently regardless of whether they believe their intentions are good. Based on my personal experience: people who want to force things to fit a script sometimes literally use force to do that, and they'll believe that they're completely justified in doing it, because in their scripts they're the heroes. So I agree with the advice to consider him a potential danger and act accordingly.
posted by trig at 11:23 AM on January 24, 2022 [12 favorites]
GET OUT GET OUT GET OUT
posted by praemunire at 11:24 AM on January 24, 2022 [23 favorites]
posted by praemunire at 11:24 AM on January 24, 2022 [23 favorites]
You're getting a lot of good advice. Just to add, I stayed in a lovebombing relationship despite my own misgivings because I thought it was a "jackpot." Guess what you get treated like when the lovebombing's over? A failure -- at best. But then, it was a different time and we weren't having these conversations.
Best of luck to you. I am so sorry.
posted by Countess Elena at 11:34 AM on January 24, 2022 [3 favorites]
Best of luck to you. I am so sorry.
posted by Countess Elena at 11:34 AM on January 24, 2022 [3 favorites]
Dude invited himself over and hung out on your doorstep for an hour. That’s huge red flag and sadly he has plenty more
QFE. That's not boyfriend behavior, that's stalker behavior. Who just shows up at someone's house after they cancel a meetup? Ok, maybe surprising a sick friend with food and painkillers is cute but if they don't answer the door, what kind of person stands there for an hour just waiting to be let in?! That just isn't normal.
It sounds like you have some self esteem issues if you think you need to let this guy steam roller over your boundaries so that you're not limiting his personality. You don't need to be an ass about it, you don't need to blame him. You just need to break up with him. You're just not compatible, you're not in the same place emotionally and you're not looking for the same things in a relationship.
As Lyn says, if possible, do it by phone and I would turn your phone off afterwards and go stay with some friends or family for a few days. Make it clear that you're broken up then go no contact.
posted by missmagenta at 11:39 AM on January 24, 2022 [8 favorites]
QFE. That's not boyfriend behavior, that's stalker behavior. Who just shows up at someone's house after they cancel a meetup? Ok, maybe surprising a sick friend with food and painkillers is cute but if they don't answer the door, what kind of person stands there for an hour just waiting to be let in?! That just isn't normal.
It sounds like you have some self esteem issues if you think you need to let this guy steam roller over your boundaries so that you're not limiting his personality. You don't need to be an ass about it, you don't need to blame him. You just need to break up with him. You're just not compatible, you're not in the same place emotionally and you're not looking for the same things in a relationship.
As Lyn says, if possible, do it by phone and I would turn your phone off afterwards and go stay with some friends or family for a few days. Make it clear that you're broken up then go no contact.
posted by missmagenta at 11:39 AM on January 24, 2022 [8 favorites]
In addition to the excellent advice above, I strongly recommend thinking about the "friends" who have told you that you shouldn't "screw it up, as [love] is not easy to get, especially not in my age".
Someone violating your physical and emotional boundaries and setting themselves as the arbiter of the terms of your relationship in direct opposition to your stated desires (you've said you're not ready, he says "»if you ask me, we are in relationship«) does NOT love you. There's a lot of garbage that gets thrown at women as we age, but it is TOTALLY possible to find real, mutual love long, long, long after 30.
posted by rrrrrrrrrt at 11:44 AM on January 24, 2022 [20 favorites]
Someone violating your physical and emotional boundaries and setting themselves as the arbiter of the terms of your relationship in direct opposition to your stated desires (you've said you're not ready, he says "»if you ask me, we are in relationship«) does NOT love you. There's a lot of garbage that gets thrown at women as we age, but it is TOTALLY possible to find real, mutual love long, long, long after 30.
posted by rrrrrrrrrt at 11:44 AM on January 24, 2022 [20 favorites]
This guy sounds absolutely exhausting. He claims to love you - nearly a complete stranger! He does nothing but push your boundaries and struggle to take no for an answer? What's the appeal? He sounds awful.
posted by Occula at 11:49 AM on January 24, 2022 [3 favorites]
posted by Occula at 11:49 AM on January 24, 2022 [3 favorites]
He waited on your porch to see if someone else was coming over. You might need help getting out of this. Get help. Findna place to stay for a coupla weeks, friends or family. You are his new victim.
posted by Oyéah at 11:52 AM on January 24, 2022 [9 favorites]
posted by Oyéah at 11:52 AM on January 24, 2022 [9 favorites]
>I canceled a meetup and he was »okay« with it..only to show up in front of my doorstep. I freaked out and after an hour he was still there. Finally I let him in,
Why in God's name would you let him in? He's searching for people who won't enforce their own boundaries. What he's doing isn't loving, it's deeply creepy. People you barely know who invite themselves to your house and refuse to leave? Good Christ no. Get away from this dude and stay away.
posted by Sing Or Swim at 11:54 AM on January 24, 2022 [13 favorites]
Why in God's name would you let him in? He's searching for people who won't enforce their own boundaries. What he's doing isn't loving, it's deeply creepy. People you barely know who invite themselves to your house and refuse to leave? Good Christ no. Get away from this dude and stay away.
posted by Sing Or Swim at 11:54 AM on January 24, 2022 [13 favorites]
I canceled a meetup and he was "okay" with it..only to show up in front of my doorstep. I freaked out and after an hour he was still there.
I just re-read your post, and I feel strongly that I need to emphasize how fucked-up the behaviour you're describing in this one sentence is, because it's really fucked up behaviour.
posted by mhoye at 12:03 PM on January 24, 2022 [28 favorites]
I just re-read your post, and I feel strongly that I need to emphasize how fucked-up the behaviour you're describing in this one sentence is, because it's really fucked up behaviour.
posted by mhoye at 12:03 PM on January 24, 2022 [28 favorites]
I absolutely agree with everyone else that there is nothing good about this "relationship."
I want to add that I my reading of what you've written is that you don't trust your instincts and that you think there is something "wrong" with what you want, what you don't want, and your boundaries. There is nothing wrong with you! There is nothing wrong with not enjoying a relationship for what any reason and getting out.
It might be helpful to spend some time considering WHY you might feel this way. I'm not neurodivergent but perhaps you've been given the message that the way your brain works is "wrong" and that you need to change yourself to be "right"? Well, forget that! You get to like what you like. You get to set your boundaries where they feel comfortable to you!
It is 100% better to be single than to be in a relationship that makes you miserable.
posted by mcduff at 12:10 PM on January 24, 2022 [20 favorites]
I want to add that I my reading of what you've written is that you don't trust your instincts and that you think there is something "wrong" with what you want, what you don't want, and your boundaries. There is nothing wrong with you! There is nothing wrong with not enjoying a relationship for what any reason and getting out.
It might be helpful to spend some time considering WHY you might feel this way. I'm not neurodivergent but perhaps you've been given the message that the way your brain works is "wrong" and that you need to change yourself to be "right"? Well, forget that! You get to like what you like. You get to set your boundaries where they feel comfortable to you!
It is 100% better to be single than to be in a relationship that makes you miserable.
posted by mcduff at 12:10 PM on January 24, 2022 [20 favorites]
Red flag red flag red flag red flag
I am a person who believes in fast-moving relationships and also that love can grow out of nowhere and because I'm such a believer in "give them a chance" against the odds, I almost never weigh in on relationship AskMe questions - and I couldn't get more than a couple of paragraphs into your post. This guy is bad-news-steer-clear territory. You may even need help extricating yourself, so see if you can have a friend or family member stay over or have you over during the process. A person who comes over when told not to and waits you down until you let them in is not a person who just goes away when asked.
posted by Mchelly at 12:11 PM on January 24, 2022 [16 favorites]
I am a person who believes in fast-moving relationships and also that love can grow out of nowhere and because I'm such a believer in "give them a chance" against the odds, I almost never weigh in on relationship AskMe questions - and I couldn't get more than a couple of paragraphs into your post. This guy is bad-news-steer-clear territory. You may even need help extricating yourself, so see if you can have a friend or family member stay over or have you over during the process. A person who comes over when told not to and waits you down until you let them in is not a person who just goes away when asked.
posted by Mchelly at 12:11 PM on January 24, 2022 [16 favorites]
Reddest of red flags. Scarlet flags. Crimson flags. Every-shade-of-red flags.
Please be safe as you consign this horrible, horrible person to oblivion, OP.
posted by humbug at 12:17 PM on January 24, 2022 [5 favorites]
Please be safe as you consign this horrible, horrible person to oblivion, OP.
posted by humbug at 12:17 PM on January 24, 2022 [5 favorites]
He would go on about how unwanted he feels, how i am not choosing him, expressing his undying love and how much it would hurt if i broke things off; when I said I cant give him guarantees this early on and in the current mindset, he said »so you are rejecting me as a person and give me pain
This guy is super scary. Every single fucking thing is about him. Your job is not to prevent him from feeling pain, and as others have noted there is nothing wrong with you. I broke up with the dude who showed up with birthday chocolates on my birthday after I told him I was busy and had plans with my sister. I should’ve ignored his call but instead I answered and then went out to talk to him briefly and he explained how it was wrong for him not to see me on my birthday and give me some thing. Of course, what I wanted was to be left alone on my birthday.
So I broke up with that guy two days later and I was so relieved and happy because he was only really nice to someone as long as they did exactly what he wanted. The guy I dated is not the guy you dated but they are both the kind of people to run away from. You have healthy boundaries and he is doing his very best to make you feel obligated and guilty for having any boundaries at all while also ignoring your boundaries or steamrolling over them as much as possible.
That guy doesn’t care about you, because that is obvious from his behavior. Talk is cheap; that dude is full of shit and also abusive. Please fire him as your boyfriend as soon as possible and do it safely, as recommended above. Also consider firing any friends who think that dating this jerk is better than being a healthy, happy single person for now or however long. Or at least fire them as advisers because that is terrible advice. Good luck, we are rooting for you!
posted by Bella Donna at 12:33 PM on January 24, 2022 [17 favorites]
This guy is super scary. Every single fucking thing is about him. Your job is not to prevent him from feeling pain, and as others have noted there is nothing wrong with you. I broke up with the dude who showed up with birthday chocolates on my birthday after I told him I was busy and had plans with my sister. I should’ve ignored his call but instead I answered and then went out to talk to him briefly and he explained how it was wrong for him not to see me on my birthday and give me some thing. Of course, what I wanted was to be left alone on my birthday.
So I broke up with that guy two days later and I was so relieved and happy because he was only really nice to someone as long as they did exactly what he wanted. The guy I dated is not the guy you dated but they are both the kind of people to run away from. You have healthy boundaries and he is doing his very best to make you feel obligated and guilty for having any boundaries at all while also ignoring your boundaries or steamrolling over them as much as possible.
That guy doesn’t care about you, because that is obvious from his behavior. Talk is cheap; that dude is full of shit and also abusive. Please fire him as your boyfriend as soon as possible and do it safely, as recommended above. Also consider firing any friends who think that dating this jerk is better than being a healthy, happy single person for now or however long. Or at least fire them as advisers because that is terrible advice. Good luck, we are rooting for you!
posted by Bella Donna at 12:33 PM on January 24, 2022 [17 favorites]
Yet, I do not want to limit someone's personality traits to adjust my own needs.
Setting boundaries is NOT about limiting someone's personality traits. It's not about changing someone. It's about saying "I will not meet with someone who acts like this" and "I will not change my mind about canceling a meetup because you showed up uninvited".
You do not have to change him and you can't anyway.
What you can do is believe that you deserve better. Even if it were true (which it is not) that at your age (really?) it's very hard to find love, you don't have to resign yourself to creepy behavior.
This guy is not a jackpot. He is a steamroller. He is trying too hard to make you feel extra special because he wants to control you. It does not seem like he sees you as a fellow human being. It looks like he sees you like a body who fits his script. That he has already written.
This behavior is scary. To the point that I would advise you to have a friend stay with you, or stay with a friend for a few days scary. I'd break up in a way that lets him save face (so that he can fit the break-up into his script) and then grey rock / fade completely.
posted by M. at 12:42 PM on January 24, 2022 [10 favorites]
Setting boundaries is NOT about limiting someone's personality traits. It's not about changing someone. It's about saying "I will not meet with someone who acts like this" and "I will not change my mind about canceling a meetup because you showed up uninvited".
You do not have to change him and you can't anyway.
What you can do is believe that you deserve better. Even if it were true (which it is not) that at your age (really?) it's very hard to find love, you don't have to resign yourself to creepy behavior.
This guy is not a jackpot. He is a steamroller. He is trying too hard to make you feel extra special because he wants to control you. It does not seem like he sees you as a fellow human being. It looks like he sees you like a body who fits his script. That he has already written.
This behavior is scary. To the point that I would advise you to have a friend stay with you, or stay with a friend for a few days scary. I'd break up in a way that lets him save face (so that he can fit the break-up into his script) and then grey rock / fade completely.
posted by M. at 12:42 PM on January 24, 2022 [10 favorites]
I should not screw it up as it seems that he really loves me and this is not easy to get, especially not in my age
also unless you were not accurately reporting it in your past posts you are 31 years old lolololol
I know people who are crushing it romantically at ~*~seventy five~*~ so whatever people are telling you you're "too old" to find or deserve a decent boyfriend can go eat an entire bag of dung off a sea of boiling lava forever.
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 12:43 PM on January 24, 2022 [24 favorites]
also unless you were not accurately reporting it in your past posts you are 31 years old lolololol
I know people who are crushing it romantically at ~*~seventy five~*~ so whatever people are telling you you're "too old" to find or deserve a decent boyfriend can go eat an entire bag of dung off a sea of boiling lava forever.
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 12:43 PM on January 24, 2022 [24 favorites]
Love is not easy to get at any age. This is not love. Get out.
posted by plonkee at 12:44 PM on January 24, 2022 [16 favorites]
posted by plonkee at 12:44 PM on January 24, 2022 [16 favorites]
This is all genuinely terrifying. Like, I opened this not expecting it could ever be THIS scary. This is abuse. This isn’t just love bombing. He is stalking you. He is not listening to your “no”. He is controlling you. And he is trying to push away any and all other relationships through that control. And this isn’t a relationship. You have told him you don’t want a relationship. So one person cannot decide you have one.
I would reach out to an abuse hotline for further advice on how to safely break it off with this person. Make extra sure they don’t have a key or any passwords to devices and make sure people around you know what is going on.
posted by Crystalinne at 12:48 PM on January 24, 2022 [19 favorites]
I would reach out to an abuse hotline for further advice on how to safely break it off with this person. Make extra sure they don’t have a key or any passwords to devices and make sure people around you know what is going on.
posted by Crystalinne at 12:48 PM on January 24, 2022 [19 favorites]
I went on a couple of dates with a guy like this in 2016 and he is still harassing me, to this day. You need to contact a domestic violence shelter or an abuse hotline and talk with them about how to put together a safety plan to get away from this person. I agree that you should not stay in your home for at least a few days after you break up with him, and you should absolutely break it off with him in a very public place.
posted by twelve cent archie at 12:54 PM on January 24, 2022 [18 favorites]
posted by twelve cent archie at 12:54 PM on January 24, 2022 [18 favorites]
He likely spent an hour on your doorstep after you canceled your date to monitor whether anyone else was coming over—or whether you were planning to go out elsewhere, instead of with him. Nth-ing everyone else on here advising you to reach out to your support system about what’s been going on and your intentions to finally cut ties, and to consider contacting a domestic abuse hotline for advice as well. Also, I hope all these responses are allowing you to see that you absolutely CAN trust your instincts when they’re screaming at you to get out/away….you don’t have to second guess your desire to set boundaries/cut bait just because you are neurodivergent.
posted by blue suede stockings at 12:56 PM on January 24, 2022 [18 favorites]
posted by blue suede stockings at 12:56 PM on January 24, 2022 [18 favorites]
This guy sounds like an absolute nightmare. Manipulative, domineering, demanding, pressuring you for sex and time and emotional intimacy. And right now you're in the honeymoon phase!! Things will only get worse if you stay together.
The good news is that your instincts are right on. You know this guy isn't good for you, so listen to that.
Some people that met him tell me however that he is great, I should not screw it up as it seems that he really loves me and this is not easy to get, especially not in my age.
A few things about this: 1. If these people really know the extent of what he's doing to you, then they are either not your friends or not the people to go to for advice. They are giving you advice that is actively against your best interests. 2. You weren't even LOOKING for love!! You didn't want a relationship right now, and you're not sure when you will want one. So it's very presumptuous of them to assume that you are desperate for love and should take whatever scraps you can get, even if those scraps are harmful.
Listen to your gut and break things off. You will need to do a clean break. He's going to want to "discuss" this endlessly with you, which will turn into him trying to manipulate you to stay together. So be very firm, and tell him that if he needs to process this with someone, he needs to do it with a friend or therapist, not you. Good luck.
posted by the sockening at 12:59 PM on January 24, 2022 [9 favorites]
The good news is that your instincts are right on. You know this guy isn't good for you, so listen to that.
Some people that met him tell me however that he is great, I should not screw it up as it seems that he really loves me and this is not easy to get, especially not in my age.
A few things about this: 1. If these people really know the extent of what he's doing to you, then they are either not your friends or not the people to go to for advice. They are giving you advice that is actively against your best interests. 2. You weren't even LOOKING for love!! You didn't want a relationship right now, and you're not sure when you will want one. So it's very presumptuous of them to assume that you are desperate for love and should take whatever scraps you can get, even if those scraps are harmful.
Listen to your gut and break things off. You will need to do a clean break. He's going to want to "discuss" this endlessly with you, which will turn into him trying to manipulate you to stay together. So be very firm, and tell him that if he needs to process this with someone, he needs to do it with a friend or therapist, not you. Good luck.
posted by the sockening at 12:59 PM on January 24, 2022 [9 favorites]
This is a dangerous, dangerous person and your friends give dangerous, dangerous advice. Please do research on how to end this safely. Wishing you so much luck and safety and wiser friends.
posted by asimplemouse at 12:59 PM on January 24, 2022 [21 favorites]
posted by asimplemouse at 12:59 PM on January 24, 2022 [21 favorites]
I'm sure you've noticed that all of his comments are based on a sort of delusional premise that you haven't agreed to... for example:
»if i loved him, I would be ready for relationship«
The fact is, you don't love him because it's only been a couple months, and that's normal. And even if you DID love him, it doesn't mean you have to want THIS relationship. Ideally the two of you would arrive at a mutually acceptable relationship model, but that can't happen when he is so fixated on his own version of what a relationship "is."
"I do not know if I am the asshole for limiting someone's personality traits..."
This guy clearly has major abandonment issues that he needs to work on before he's ready for any healthy relationship. He is too focused on his own needs to even be curious about yours.
posted by cranberrymonger at 1:05 PM on January 24, 2022 [10 favorites]
»if i loved him, I would be ready for relationship«
The fact is, you don't love him because it's only been a couple months, and that's normal. And even if you DID love him, it doesn't mean you have to want THIS relationship. Ideally the two of you would arrive at a mutually acceptable relationship model, but that can't happen when he is so fixated on his own version of what a relationship "is."
"I do not know if I am the asshole for limiting someone's personality traits..."
This guy clearly has major abandonment issues that he needs to work on before he's ready for any healthy relationship. He is too focused on his own needs to even be curious about yours.
posted by cranberrymonger at 1:05 PM on January 24, 2022 [10 favorites]
I canceled a meetup and he was »okay« with it..only to show up in front of my doorstep.
He wouldnt take his hands off me anymore and already a few minutes started saying how happily enamoured he is.
He even slept over without my invitation
»if i loved him, I would be ready for relationship«
territorial behavior
I am very uncomfortable with excessive PDA but he is all over me the entire time and pushing him away did not do the trick.
So much manipulation. No boundaries, no respect for your boundaries. And not not just emotional boundaries but physical. This is really not okay. He's wearing you down. You aren't enjoying it. I don't know if he's lonely, incompetent or about to be a stalker but he gives me the creeps. Your behavior sounds very reasonable. He's not going to start listening, he's going to get worse.
I say this a lot, from experience, listen at least as much to his behavior as to his words. His behavior is transgressive and potentially abusive.
posted by theora55 at 1:45 PM on January 24, 2022 [7 favorites]
He wouldnt take his hands off me anymore and already a few minutes started saying how happily enamoured he is.
He even slept over without my invitation
»if i loved him, I would be ready for relationship«
territorial behavior
I am very uncomfortable with excessive PDA but he is all over me the entire time and pushing him away did not do the trick.
So much manipulation. No boundaries, no respect for your boundaries. And not not just emotional boundaries but physical. This is really not okay. He's wearing you down. You aren't enjoying it. I don't know if he's lonely, incompetent or about to be a stalker but he gives me the creeps. Your behavior sounds very reasonable. He's not going to start listening, he's going to get worse.
I say this a lot, from experience, listen at least as much to his behavior as to his words. His behavior is transgressive and potentially abusive.
posted by theora55 at 1:45 PM on January 24, 2022 [7 favorites]
While reading this I said out loud to myself, "Ohmigod.... Run. Run. Run." There is nothing good here for you. It will only get worse. Please trust yourself and carefully, but swiftly, get as far away from this person as you can.
posted by TheCavorter at 1:47 PM on January 24, 2022 [5 favorites]
posted by TheCavorter at 1:47 PM on January 24, 2022 [5 favorites]
Run now.
posted by gollie at 2:10 PM on January 24, 2022 [1 favorite]
posted by gollie at 2:10 PM on January 24, 2022 [1 favorite]
I wasn’t even halfway through your post and every “get away from this guy NOW” alarm in my head was blaring. Please break up with him and do not look back.
posted by Stacey at 2:11 PM on January 24, 2022 [2 favorites]
posted by Stacey at 2:11 PM on January 24, 2022 [2 favorites]
I do not want to limit someone's personality traits to adjust my own needs.
consider adjusting this want if you can. it is not going to help you and it is going to hurt you. a limit is another word for a boundary.
"lovebombing" is pretty meaningless in the context of the question I think you are asking, almost as meaningless as "boundary". he is creepy, clingy, smothering, pushy, sexually offensive, and unpleasant. you don't like it. you know all this, because you described it. why is it also important to assign a word to his behavior that makes it sound like he is consciously following instructions from an abuser's handbook, which is not in any case the way most horrible people develop their patterns of behavior? is the behavior not bad enough for you without the faddish jargon? it ought to be.
He said it is okay if i am not in the mood and proceeds trying a little later. Or flirting in a sexual way etc. That is okay for the hooneymoon phase i guess
no, it's not okay. of course it's not.
look, you cannot be at fault for the instincts you have because you didn't build them yourself. but where I went to school, they warned us about "you would if you loved me" back in the eighth grade. I am sorry that you were not also taught at a young age to respond to this cartoonish manipulation by laughing hysterically and immediately absenting yourself from the scene and the person, forever. that too is not your fault. the only thing you can do now is try to teach yourself.
posted by queenofbithynia at 2:12 PM on January 24, 2022 [16 favorites]
consider adjusting this want if you can. it is not going to help you and it is going to hurt you. a limit is another word for a boundary.
"lovebombing" is pretty meaningless in the context of the question I think you are asking, almost as meaningless as "boundary". he is creepy, clingy, smothering, pushy, sexually offensive, and unpleasant. you don't like it. you know all this, because you described it. why is it also important to assign a word to his behavior that makes it sound like he is consciously following instructions from an abuser's handbook, which is not in any case the way most horrible people develop their patterns of behavior? is the behavior not bad enough for you without the faddish jargon? it ought to be.
He said it is okay if i am not in the mood and proceeds trying a little later. Or flirting in a sexual way etc. That is okay for the hooneymoon phase i guess
no, it's not okay. of course it's not.
look, you cannot be at fault for the instincts you have because you didn't build them yourself. but where I went to school, they warned us about "you would if you loved me" back in the eighth grade. I am sorry that you were not also taught at a young age to respond to this cartoonish manipulation by laughing hysterically and immediately absenting yourself from the scene and the person, forever. that too is not your fault. the only thing you can do now is try to teach yourself.
posted by queenofbithynia at 2:12 PM on January 24, 2022 [16 favorites]
it seems that he really loves me and this is not easy to get, especially not in my age.
jesus christ, I almost missed this. terrifying that you might take it seriously. please don't.
I won't lie to you: yeah, it can be hard to find a man who loves you and is worth your time when you are as extremely young as you are. but the great thing about that is with every year that passes, it gets easier.
besides, this horrible fuck doesn't love you, and you definitely don't love him.
posted by queenofbithynia at 2:19 PM on January 24, 2022 [19 favorites]
jesus christ, I almost missed this. terrifying that you might take it seriously. please don't.
I won't lie to you: yeah, it can be hard to find a man who loves you and is worth your time when you are as extremely young as you are. but the great thing about that is with every year that passes, it gets easier.
besides, this horrible fuck doesn't love you, and you definitely don't love him.
posted by queenofbithynia at 2:19 PM on January 24, 2022 [19 favorites]
You hit the jackpot all right. The Jackass Jackpot.
If your friends think he’s so great…. Let them have him. I’m sorry that you are dealing with a boundary pushing, sexually aggressive, emotional vampire. 30 is young. But not so young that he shouldn’t know better! Throw the whole man out.
posted by amanda at 2:31 PM on January 24, 2022 [4 favorites]
If your friends think he’s so great…. Let them have him. I’m sorry that you are dealing with a boundary pushing, sexually aggressive, emotional vampire. 30 is young. But not so young that he shouldn’t know better! Throw the whole man out.
posted by amanda at 2:31 PM on January 24, 2022 [4 favorites]
When I went out with someone who exhibited some of these behaviors, they were later on followed by resentment towards me and criticism that I wasn't acting the same (lovebombing) way in response.
posted by knownfossils at 2:34 PM on January 24, 2022 [2 favorites]
posted by knownfossils at 2:34 PM on January 24, 2022 [2 favorites]
Hi I'm a 49 year old ND male, just chiming in to agree with everyone else that you should run far, far away from this guy.
Just by reading your intro, I was 50% sure that you should probably break up with him. By the time I got to him showing up at your door and then staying there for an hour, I was sure. And then things actually got worse. The guy has an absolutely warped view of relationships, and it will only get worse - jealousy, control, (further) violations of your boundaries. I also want to emphasise this glorious response:
"I won't lie to you: yeah, it can be hard to find a man who loves you and is worth your time when you are as extremely young as you are. but the great thing about that is with every year that passes, it gets easier."
I mean, most of my friends are married or in LTRs. The number of them who met their partners/spouses when they were your age? Pretty much none. Mostly, they met them in their mid-30s to mid-40s. No doubt some of those relationships will end, and we'll meet new people. That's how it works. And (having recently found myself single) I reckon dating is easier at my age - people know more about what they want (tho' disclaimer that I'm a man dating women, so YMMV).
Good luck, leave this guy, block block block him everywhere you can.
posted by Pink Frost at 2:48 PM on January 24, 2022 [7 favorites]
Just by reading your intro, I was 50% sure that you should probably break up with him. By the time I got to him showing up at your door and then staying there for an hour, I was sure. And then things actually got worse. The guy has an absolutely warped view of relationships, and it will only get worse - jealousy, control, (further) violations of your boundaries. I also want to emphasise this glorious response:
"I won't lie to you: yeah, it can be hard to find a man who loves you and is worth your time when you are as extremely young as you are. but the great thing about that is with every year that passes, it gets easier."
I mean, most of my friends are married or in LTRs. The number of them who met their partners/spouses when they were your age? Pretty much none. Mostly, they met them in their mid-30s to mid-40s. No doubt some of those relationships will end, and we'll meet new people. That's how it works. And (having recently found myself single) I reckon dating is easier at my age - people know more about what they want (tho' disclaimer that I'm a man dating women, so YMMV).
Good luck, leave this guy, block block block him everywhere you can.
posted by Pink Frost at 2:48 PM on January 24, 2022 [7 favorites]
I want to add to the chorus of voices and suggest that, instead of trying to spend all this time trying to figure this guy out, you focus on ending it. I once dated a guy who, after three weeks, also showed some incredibly problematic behaviors (in his case, it was jealousy and control of my time). I was trying to understand it all. My therapist said I was lucky to see these red flags soon and I should stop trying to understand these behaviors and just break it off. Which I did, that night! Excellent decision.
posted by bluedaisy at 3:06 PM on January 24, 2022 [4 favorites]
posted by bluedaisy at 3:06 PM on January 24, 2022 [4 favorites]
Yes, end this. And yes, you will likely have to block him and probably change your number and email address, and maybe your locks if you've ever given him a key.
(A guy who will sit uninvited on your doorstep for an hour is a guy who will get a burner phone when you block his number, and then another and another, and maybe use your mutual friends' phones to try and call you)
He is not OK. Dealing with his not-OKness isn't your responsibility; it's his. He's incapable of being a good partner right now. In order to be a good partner to someone else in the future, he needs to go to therapy and maybe get on meds, or change meds if he's already on them. (Or if he has a substance problem, he needs to take the necessary steps to quit.) None of this is your job. You are not the solution to his problems and you cannot save him.
Break up with him by text or email, then block him. Then tell your friends that you broke up and it's final, and that you don't want any contact from him (or he may try to use your friends to get to you).
posted by Pallas Athena at 3:25 PM on January 24, 2022 [12 favorites]
(A guy who will sit uninvited on your doorstep for an hour is a guy who will get a burner phone when you block his number, and then another and another, and maybe use your mutual friends' phones to try and call you)
He is not OK. Dealing with his not-OKness isn't your responsibility; it's his. He's incapable of being a good partner right now. In order to be a good partner to someone else in the future, he needs to go to therapy and maybe get on meds, or change meds if he's already on them. (Or if he has a substance problem, he needs to take the necessary steps to quit.) None of this is your job. You are not the solution to his problems and you cannot save him.
Break up with him by text or email, then block him. Then tell your friends that you broke up and it's final, and that you don't want any contact from him (or he may try to use your friends to get to you).
posted by Pallas Athena at 3:25 PM on January 24, 2022 [12 favorites]
Even if this post wasn't full of red flags, covered extensively above, you are not enjoying this relationship. You are not having fun or a good time! That is the minimum bar for any relationship, and you do not have to feel bad about ditching him.
That he always got discarded and even his latest ex who got severely ill, wanted to go through it alone, meaning he was discarded like trash and abandoned.
This is mean, but who the fuck cares. He should be in therapy for these feelings and learning how to relate to others healthily, not pushing his issues onto someone else. He is trampling your boundaries and he. does. not. care. that he's doing it.
this is not easy to get, especially not in my age.
I had to double-check your age when I read this. You're two years younger than I am. Do not listen to these people who think turning 30 is a death knell.
posted by lesser weasel at 5:09 PM on January 24, 2022 [10 favorites]
That he always got discarded and even his latest ex who got severely ill, wanted to go through it alone, meaning he was discarded like trash and abandoned.
This is mean, but who the fuck cares. He should be in therapy for these feelings and learning how to relate to others healthily, not pushing his issues onto someone else. He is trampling your boundaries and he. does. not. care. that he's doing it.
this is not easy to get, especially not in my age.
I had to double-check your age when I read this. You're two years younger than I am. Do not listen to these people who think turning 30 is a death knell.
posted by lesser weasel at 5:09 PM on January 24, 2022 [10 favorites]
I started reading your post hoping it would be something small but there are so many glaring red flags. This is scary, and I'm sorry you're going through it! Please listen to your gut and get out: if you need to lie to escape this guy, please do. I had an ex-girlfriend who was like this and when she broke up with me (thank god!), she accused me of crazy shit (like cheating on her bc I called a friend for support and didn't immediately take her call), then sent me 40 texts, tried calling 10 times (these are not exaggerations), then showed up at my apartment (all in that one night.) She's been with her new girlfriend for almost four years but every year, I get a creepy message from her (that I ignore.) I learned a lot in that relationship and fortunately will never be in something quite as awful again. I, too, had some friends and even a therapist tell me to be happy about the lovebombing in the beginning but our guts know. I wish I had gotten out sooner rather than later but what matters is that four years later I am free and happier.
I'm 38: I understand how dating in your 30s can feel daunting but tbh it's only gotten better and better for me. I know myself and what I want better; I accept less bullshit. I may not have found my big everlasting relationship quite yet but I'm closer than ever and mostly happy alone too as I've built a wonderful life for myself. We are here for you whatever you choose and, should you choose to leave, we can help you strategize!
posted by smorgasbord at 8:32 PM on January 24, 2022 [6 favorites]
I'm 38: I understand how dating in your 30s can feel daunting but tbh it's only gotten better and better for me. I know myself and what I want better; I accept less bullshit. I may not have found my big everlasting relationship quite yet but I'm closer than ever and mostly happy alone too as I've built a wonderful life for myself. We are here for you whatever you choose and, should you choose to leave, we can help you strategize!
posted by smorgasbord at 8:32 PM on January 24, 2022 [6 favorites]
You canceled an event because you were not feeling well.
He came over uninvited AND WAITED OUTSIDE YOUR HOME FOR AN HOUR.
Nope nope nope nope nope nope nope nope.
The other instances of him ignoring boundaries are just additional big-neon-letter signs: he's so desperately needy that he's ignoring civilized behaviors such as "respect the other person's wishes" and "no means no".
He sounds like he needs (at the least) some help working on his own self-confidence...but that isn't your job. He is not respecting your boundaries.
Meet him in a public place, with a very trusted friend nearby, so that you have witnesses / a backup if he tries anything hinky. Break up with him. Stress that you're breaking up with him because you're VERY MUCH not comfortable with him ignoring your boundaries, you aren't enjoying yourself, and don't want to continue in a relationship with him because of that behavior.
Leave with the friend - take an Uber or a crowded bus or train away from the meet-up point, then switch transport methods again to get back to your car/home.
posted by Tailkinker to-Ennien at 8:40 PM on January 24, 2022 [6 favorites]
He came over uninvited AND WAITED OUTSIDE YOUR HOME FOR AN HOUR.
Nope nope nope nope nope nope nope nope.
The other instances of him ignoring boundaries are just additional big-neon-letter signs: he's so desperately needy that he's ignoring civilized behaviors such as "respect the other person's wishes" and "no means no".
He sounds like he needs (at the least) some help working on his own self-confidence...but that isn't your job. He is not respecting your boundaries.
Meet him in a public place, with a very trusted friend nearby, so that you have witnesses / a backup if he tries anything hinky. Break up with him. Stress that you're breaking up with him because you're VERY MUCH not comfortable with him ignoring your boundaries, you aren't enjoying yourself, and don't want to continue in a relationship with him because of that behavior.
Leave with the friend - take an Uber or a crowded bus or train away from the meet-up point, then switch transport methods again to get back to your car/home.
posted by Tailkinker to-Ennien at 8:40 PM on January 24, 2022 [6 favorites]
Also, I too was dealing with the memories of painful past relationships when I met my ex. I think people like her -- or this guy -- get off on our state of change and openness/ vulnerability in life and love because it gives them an in.
This is random: Psychology in Seattle does a great job reviewing pop TV and his deep dive into Big Ed from 90 Day Fiance is worth a view: Big Ed is a basically an insecure jerk who lovebombs women due to his unresolved issues; he's not trying to be bad but the result is his being an asshole to the point of abuse even.
OK, best case scenario: this is guy is insecure but harmless. You don't have to tolerate this BS. It's fucking annoying at best and controlling at worst. I recently went out with a guy who wanted to clean my apartment and stuff for me as part of his submissive fantasy. That's cool but not for me; his insistence got weird and annoying, like he was clearly trying to use me to get off. No thanks! You could say that he was being kind and a welcome change from my recent ex who was too busy to even hang out much. But guess what? Neither one was right. It's not a Team Edward / Team Jacob situation but rather another person who just isn't quite right for you (or arguably anyone until he's seen a therapist and done some serious work.)
The good news is that you're already one step closer to finding someone great, who isn't perfect but a nice balance and zero percent creepy. Now I really listen to my gut for that creepy thing: there are a lot of people who aren't quite right for us but don't feel creepy or uncomfortable. When something make us so uncomfortable, it's almost always (99.9%) for a legitimate reason and leaving will help us stay safe. (And if something happens, not our fault, but how nice to avoid it if we can!)
posted by smorgasbord at 8:44 PM on January 24, 2022 [1 favorite]
This is random: Psychology in Seattle does a great job reviewing pop TV and his deep dive into Big Ed from 90 Day Fiance is worth a view: Big Ed is a basically an insecure jerk who lovebombs women due to his unresolved issues; he's not trying to be bad but the result is his being an asshole to the point of abuse even.
OK, best case scenario: this is guy is insecure but harmless. You don't have to tolerate this BS. It's fucking annoying at best and controlling at worst. I recently went out with a guy who wanted to clean my apartment and stuff for me as part of his submissive fantasy. That's cool but not for me; his insistence got weird and annoying, like he was clearly trying to use me to get off. No thanks! You could say that he was being kind and a welcome change from my recent ex who was too busy to even hang out much. But guess what? Neither one was right. It's not a Team Edward / Team Jacob situation but rather another person who just isn't quite right for you (or arguably anyone until he's seen a therapist and done some serious work.)
The good news is that you're already one step closer to finding someone great, who isn't perfect but a nice balance and zero percent creepy. Now I really listen to my gut for that creepy thing: there are a lot of people who aren't quite right for us but don't feel creepy or uncomfortable. When something make us so uncomfortable, it's almost always (99.9%) for a legitimate reason and leaving will help us stay safe. (And if something happens, not our fault, but how nice to avoid it if we can!)
posted by smorgasbord at 8:44 PM on January 24, 2022 [1 favorite]
Since someone else already said what I really wanted to ("GET OUT GET OUT GET OUT"), I'll address something else:
You are in no way stonewalling. You are clearly expressing your current state of mind, your needs, and your boundaries, and he is steamrolling right over them.
You are not being an asshole. You are behaving in a way that is consistent with your feelings and with being a respectful and compassionate human being, and he is behaving in a way that is manipulative and threatening.
You are not expecting someone else to limit their personality for your own needs. You are expecting to be treated with respect for your feelings and autonomy, and getting dismissed, manipulated,and treated like shit in return. (Expecting someone to limit their personality looks more like "I don't like it when you play video games or watch Marvel movies, you should stop or I'll break up with you." It does NOT look like recognizing your needs, wants, and boundaries are being trampled over and deciding you don't like it.)
You don't owe this person your time or attention. Honestly, you wouldn't even if they were perfectly nice and sweet but you just weren't into them. But this guy is not perfectly nice and sweet--he's behaving in ways that have dozen of internet strangers concerned for your literal safety. Listen to your gut and listen to the internet strangers and get rid of this guy.
No one is ever your last chance at love. And being single is infinitely better than being treated so terribly.
posted by rhiannonstone at 8:51 PM on January 24, 2022 [14 favorites]
You are in no way stonewalling. You are clearly expressing your current state of mind, your needs, and your boundaries, and he is steamrolling right over them.
You are not being an asshole. You are behaving in a way that is consistent with your feelings and with being a respectful and compassionate human being, and he is behaving in a way that is manipulative and threatening.
You are not expecting someone else to limit their personality for your own needs. You are expecting to be treated with respect for your feelings and autonomy, and getting dismissed, manipulated,and treated like shit in return. (Expecting someone to limit their personality looks more like "I don't like it when you play video games or watch Marvel movies, you should stop or I'll break up with you." It does NOT look like recognizing your needs, wants, and boundaries are being trampled over and deciding you don't like it.)
You don't owe this person your time or attention. Honestly, you wouldn't even if they were perfectly nice and sweet but you just weren't into them. But this guy is not perfectly nice and sweet--he's behaving in ways that have dozen of internet strangers concerned for your literal safety. Listen to your gut and listen to the internet strangers and get rid of this guy.
No one is ever your last chance at love. And being single is infinitely better than being treated so terribly.
posted by rhiannonstone at 8:51 PM on January 24, 2022 [14 favorites]
He’s trying to limit your personality. Not the other way around!
Get out before everything else is twisted, down is up, abuser is victim, control is love.
posted by kapers at 9:40 PM on January 24, 2022 [6 favorites]
Get out before everything else is twisted, down is up, abuser is victim, control is love.
posted by kapers at 9:40 PM on January 24, 2022 [6 favorites]
I am someone who is admittedly clingy and requiring of a lot of displays of affection. I appreciate a man who is sure of what he wants and not afraid to show it.
THIS is not that. This is terrifying. Everything he does and says reeks of manipulation and control. It’s not just lovebombing, it’s lovebombing on back alley steroids and several lines of coke. Please listen to your gut. This isn’t right, and you’re not safe.
I want to second the advice that you do not see him in private anymore. Don’t be worried about hurting his feelings or breaking his heart - dump him over the phone or text if that would be best for you. Keep it brief and firm. You’ve only been seeing him a few weeks, don’t allow him to guilt you into thinking you owe him a big conversation about this. If you must break up in person, do it in a public place with a friend on standby.
Then block him everywhere. Tell your friends (especially the ones who are on his side for reasons I can’t begin to fathom) explicitly that you want nothing to do with him and they are not to share any information about you with him under any circumstance, and doing so may be putting your life in danger. You don’t owe them a big explanation about it either, and they can either help keep you safe or they are not your friends. Don’t go anywhere alone for a while. Try to carpool or meet a friend or coworker and commute together. If you drive on your own to work, request an escort to your car after-hours. Be extra paranoid.
I’m sorry if this seems alarmist, but I’m so scared for you. This man is unhinged, and every red flag that he could escalate to abuse, stalking, or worse is frantically waving.
posted by keep it under cover at 5:03 AM on January 25, 2022 [6 favorites]
THIS is not that. This is terrifying. Everything he does and says reeks of manipulation and control. It’s not just lovebombing, it’s lovebombing on back alley steroids and several lines of coke. Please listen to your gut. This isn’t right, and you’re not safe.
I want to second the advice that you do not see him in private anymore. Don’t be worried about hurting his feelings or breaking his heart - dump him over the phone or text if that would be best for you. Keep it brief and firm. You’ve only been seeing him a few weeks, don’t allow him to guilt you into thinking you owe him a big conversation about this. If you must break up in person, do it in a public place with a friend on standby.
Then block him everywhere. Tell your friends (especially the ones who are on his side for reasons I can’t begin to fathom) explicitly that you want nothing to do with him and they are not to share any information about you with him under any circumstance, and doing so may be putting your life in danger. You don’t owe them a big explanation about it either, and they can either help keep you safe or they are not your friends. Don’t go anywhere alone for a while. Try to carpool or meet a friend or coworker and commute together. If you drive on your own to work, request an escort to your car after-hours. Be extra paranoid.
I’m sorry if this seems alarmist, but I’m so scared for you. This man is unhinged, and every red flag that he could escalate to abuse, stalking, or worse is frantically waving.
posted by keep it under cover at 5:03 AM on January 25, 2022 [6 favorites]
what kind of underwear i am having
EWWWWWWW. Run. Run now.
I canceled a meetup and he was »okay« with it..only to show up in front of my doorstep. I freaked out and after an hour he was still there
Security cameras, change your routines for awhile, have you divulged anything to him that would let him know what your security questions are (mother's maiden name, childhood pet, favorite color any of that stuff?) Change your security questions. Do you have someone who can come stay with you for awhile after you break up with him? Can you go stay somewhere else for awhile? The news is full of stories every day about how situations like this go horribly, horribly wrong. Please watch your back.
(My wife and I got married when we were 37. Fuck people who are trying to tell you you're too old.)
posted by joycehealy at 5:29 AM on January 25, 2022 [10 favorites]
EWWWWWWW. Run. Run now.
I canceled a meetup and he was »okay« with it..only to show up in front of my doorstep. I freaked out and after an hour he was still there
Security cameras, change your routines for awhile, have you divulged anything to him that would let him know what your security questions are (mother's maiden name, childhood pet, favorite color any of that stuff?) Change your security questions. Do you have someone who can come stay with you for awhile after you break up with him? Can you go stay somewhere else for awhile? The news is full of stories every day about how situations like this go horribly, horribly wrong. Please watch your back.
(My wife and I got married when we were 37. Fuck people who are trying to tell you you're too old.)
posted by joycehealy at 5:29 AM on January 25, 2022 [10 favorites]
You do not have to break up with this guy in person. You can break up with him over the phone or by text or by email. Or ... ghost the dude. Call one of the resources above to get the best, informed advice for breaking up as safely as possible. Just remember, you do not need to meet this guy in person ever again, and it is probably best if you don't. Good luck!
posted by Bella Donna at 6:48 AM on January 25, 2022 [1 favorite]
posted by Bella Donna at 6:48 AM on January 25, 2022 [1 favorite]
Nonono this guy is bad news.
Seriously, fuck anyone who tells you you need to settle for this creepy shit because of your age. Not only is it simply not true, but even if it were this relationship makes you uncomfortable (for very good reason) which is worse than being single.
posted by Ragged Richard at 8:45 AM on January 25, 2022
Seriously, fuck anyone who tells you you need to settle for this creepy shit because of your age. Not only is it simply not true, but even if it were this relationship makes you uncomfortable (for very good reason) which is worse than being single.
posted by Ragged Richard at 8:45 AM on January 25, 2022
Even if these behaviors were coming from a good place, and not consciously lovebombing, the important thing is that you don’t like those behaviors, and he likes them enough that he is unwilling to stop. What he wants out of a relationship and what you want are not compatible, and 50 more years of this sounds like torture for both of you.
The sooner you let him go, the sooner he can find someone who does want to be constantly pawed at and highly enmeshed, and the sooner you can find someone who is willing to take things slow and casual. Both types of people exist, and it’s not your fault that he is the other type, but you do need to break this off before his behavior gets any more distressing.
If your friends like him, they can date him; their advice to you is terrible.
posted by tchemgrrl at 8:46 AM on January 25, 2022 [2 favorites]
The sooner you let him go, the sooner he can find someone who does want to be constantly pawed at and highly enmeshed, and the sooner you can find someone who is willing to take things slow and casual. Both types of people exist, and it’s not your fault that he is the other type, but you do need to break this off before his behavior gets any more distressing.
If your friends like him, they can date him; their advice to you is terrible.
posted by tchemgrrl at 8:46 AM on January 25, 2022 [2 favorites]
the doorstep thing was such a red flag and with each sentence this post got worse and worse.
posted by anthropomorphic at 9:34 AM on January 25, 2022 [1 favorite]
posted by anthropomorphic at 9:34 AM on January 25, 2022 [1 favorite]
So, as everyone is saying, there are a ton of red flags here, and you should DTMFA.
However, I wouldn't say this is lovebombing, or at least, that's not how I've heard the term used. Generally lovebombing refers to intermittently showering someone with affection, with periods of being ignored/abused in between. The thing that makes it powerful is the contrast between the lovebombing and the normal behaviour during the relationship, as well as the randomness of it.
This situation sounds like unwanted affection (as well as, uh, an abundance of other red flags), which is a different (also very bad!) thing.
posted by wesleyac at 9:53 AM on January 25, 2022 [1 favorite]
However, I wouldn't say this is lovebombing, or at least, that's not how I've heard the term used. Generally lovebombing refers to intermittently showering someone with affection, with periods of being ignored/abused in between. The thing that makes it powerful is the contrast between the lovebombing and the normal behaviour during the relationship, as well as the randomness of it.
This situation sounds like unwanted affection (as well as, uh, an abundance of other red flags), which is a different (also very bad!) thing.
posted by wesleyac at 9:53 AM on January 25, 2022 [1 favorite]
OH MY GOD my heart is racing. I think it started from the moment he turned up at your doorstep after you cancelled a meetup. I said "oh shit" out loud at that point. Then your story got worse. He stayed on your doorstep for an hour?! And then, somehow, after you let him inside, you just ~happened~ to kiss for the first time?!?! Holy fucking shit, OP, this guy is a manipulative mastermind.
I don't even have words to respond to the rest of what's been happening. Grabbing your breast without consent in public, coercing you to have sex after you have said no, this is a straight up nightmare scenario. This is not love bombing. This is an actual nightmare.
I'm so sorry this is happening to you. I am praying for your safety. I hope you are safe. I hope you broke up with him on the phone with friends beside you to keep you safe if he turns up at your door again. I'm an atheist but goddamn it I am praying.
posted by MiraK at 10:09 AM on January 26, 2022 [2 favorites]
I don't even have words to respond to the rest of what's been happening. Grabbing your breast without consent in public, coercing you to have sex after you have said no, this is a straight up nightmare scenario. This is not love bombing. This is an actual nightmare.
I'm so sorry this is happening to you. I am praying for your safety. I hope you are safe. I hope you broke up with him on the phone with friends beside you to keep you safe if he turns up at your door again. I'm an atheist but goddamn it I am praying.
posted by MiraK at 10:09 AM on January 26, 2022 [2 favorites]
Hello, his behaviour isn't great. I don't want to scare you but I was stalked recently by someone who found me again after a relationship that sounds similar to yours. When we were together he used to turn up unexpectedly, go on endlessly when I was tired, and other things. If you end it everything may be okay and he'll move onto someone else but look after yourself. Do what others have said, call local abuse or stalking advice helplines for the best way to handle it. You have decades ahead of enjoyable relationships, you don't need this.
posted by blue_eyes at 3:05 PM on January 26, 2022 [2 favorites]
posted by blue_eyes at 3:05 PM on January 26, 2022 [2 favorites]
Response by poster: Wow, I never thought I would get so many responses and that situation could be so alarming! Thank you from the bottom of my heart!
I have broken up via chat with a short justifcation; of course he was not too happy about it and kept pointing out how I misunderstood many things, want to portray him as a creep and how I am trying to say he is delusional and does not know his feelings.
He wants to meet me in person so i can hand over his belongings because there are some things of value. I am refusing that or in worst case scenario i will do that in public place, accompanied.
Your responses gave me a lot to think about and I am honestly once again wholesomely surprised by incredibly helpful internet strangers who are sharing with me. I am thinking of you and doing my best to keep safe; I live abroad on my own in a smaller city but my mother and brother are visiting tomorrow so I will not be alone for a while. Thank you again sincerely, I will keep reading over these responses many more times! I wish you all the best there is to life and if life takes you to Slovakia, let me know - I definitely owe you a drink or twelve :)
posted by Salicornia at 12:42 PM on January 27, 2022 [22 favorites]
I have broken up via chat with a short justifcation; of course he was not too happy about it and kept pointing out how I misunderstood many things, want to portray him as a creep and how I am trying to say he is delusional and does not know his feelings.
He wants to meet me in person so i can hand over his belongings because there are some things of value. I am refusing that or in worst case scenario i will do that in public place, accompanied.
Your responses gave me a lot to think about and I am honestly once again wholesomely surprised by incredibly helpful internet strangers who are sharing with me. I am thinking of you and doing my best to keep safe; I live abroad on my own in a smaller city but my mother and brother are visiting tomorrow so I will not be alone for a while. Thank you again sincerely, I will keep reading over these responses many more times! I wish you all the best there is to life and if life takes you to Slovakia, let me know - I definitely owe you a drink or twelve :)
posted by Salicornia at 12:42 PM on January 27, 2022 [22 favorites]
Do you have a friend who might be able to help with the exchange of belongings? I would do this for someone I cared about. That way you could tell him, "all of your things are in a box at Jane's house. You may go to Jane's house on Wednesday between 5-7pm, and she will leave the box on her front porch for you. I will not be there. I wish you the best, but I do not want to have any further contact."
posted by decathecting at 6:06 PM on January 27, 2022 [1 favorite]
posted by decathecting at 6:06 PM on January 27, 2022 [1 favorite]
(This is assuming the volume of stuff is too large to reasonably mail. If it's a small amount of stuff, mail it back to him with insurance/tracking/whatever safety features are available in your country's mail system.)
posted by decathecting at 6:08 PM on January 27, 2022 [1 favorite]
posted by decathecting at 6:08 PM on January 27, 2022 [1 favorite]
If it isn't too late, get your brother to give him his stuff. In public, for your brother's safety.
posted by thereader at 11:24 AM on February 4, 2022 [1 favorite]
posted by thereader at 11:24 AM on February 4, 2022 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: Hi good people, I will give you an epilogue.
He kept insisting he wants to see me but still refused for his belongins to be sent or left or brought by someone else.
I thought of a plan - I called him to pick up his stuff at my place. I had friends over. He informed me that he was at the door and I sent my friends to give him stuff (it was so many that one person could not carry it!).
He was upset. Clearly. Texted "I have no words, have a nice life I guess. There is a plastic container missing. But I don't care. I was almost at the traffic accident now. But none of that matters anymore. It's all about how you handle this. Not even having the decency to deal with me as a person who was there for you. You are treating me more as a threat than a normal human who actually cares about you. You can go into justifications...but it's all BS as we know you had no problems with your ex coming into your flat for his things...so whatever, justify it however you want,I can see how you look at me and treat me...and you were right, I don't deserve to be treated like this. So it doesn't matter anymore. But I am not fooling myself that you might care about what I think or how I feel (then some random rant about him being done proving who he is to me, how we could have maybe stayed friends and how I just hide behind a screen and use other people as proxy...but I proved myself not trustworthy, not wanting to look in the eye and using other people as proxy.)"
So yeah. Obviously, that "i want to be handled my belongings in person because i trusted you with them in good faith and I want to prevent damage" was clearly a trojan horse I did not fall for.
A few days later he told me he has a panic attack and I should leave him alone and kept texting how I should leave him alone and that in the middle of panic attack he wanted to text me "as if I cared but I obviously don't give a fuck.." and apologized the day after. I did not reply. I am extremely releived that this is done, I hope it will stay this way.
Thank you all for so much effort and kind words once again and the detailed insights give me a lot of perspective, not to mention knowledge and wisdom. I am honored to be a part of this community!
posted by Salicornia at 12:16 PM on February 12, 2022 [6 favorites]
He kept insisting he wants to see me but still refused for his belongins to be sent or left or brought by someone else.
I thought of a plan - I called him to pick up his stuff at my place. I had friends over. He informed me that he was at the door and I sent my friends to give him stuff (it was so many that one person could not carry it!).
He was upset. Clearly. Texted "I have no words, have a nice life I guess. There is a plastic container missing. But I don't care. I was almost at the traffic accident now. But none of that matters anymore. It's all about how you handle this. Not even having the decency to deal with me as a person who was there for you. You are treating me more as a threat than a normal human who actually cares about you. You can go into justifications...but it's all BS as we know you had no problems with your ex coming into your flat for his things...so whatever, justify it however you want,I can see how you look at me and treat me...and you were right, I don't deserve to be treated like this. So it doesn't matter anymore. But I am not fooling myself that you might care about what I think or how I feel (then some random rant about him being done proving who he is to me, how we could have maybe stayed friends and how I just hide behind a screen and use other people as proxy...but I proved myself not trustworthy, not wanting to look in the eye and using other people as proxy.)"
So yeah. Obviously, that "i want to be handled my belongings in person because i trusted you with them in good faith and I want to prevent damage" was clearly a trojan horse I did not fall for.
A few days later he told me he has a panic attack and I should leave him alone and kept texting how I should leave him alone and that in the middle of panic attack he wanted to text me "as if I cared but I obviously don't give a fuck.." and apologized the day after. I did not reply. I am extremely releived that this is done, I hope it will stay this way.
Thank you all for so much effort and kind words once again and the detailed insights give me a lot of perspective, not to mention knowledge and wisdom. I am honored to be a part of this community!
posted by Salicornia at 12:16 PM on February 12, 2022 [6 favorites]
Well-handled! I am both amused and annoyed that he may as well have texted "Somebody That You Used to Know" at you, but, you know, the Kimbra section of that song is the truth of it. I am glad you got it sorted and bailed out quickly and cleanly.
posted by restless_nomad at 12:34 PM on February 12, 2022 [2 favorites]
posted by restless_nomad at 12:34 PM on February 12, 2022 [2 favorites]
I'm so glad you're successfully away from that guy! Sounds like you did everything right and you've seen some of his real colours. Well done and thanks for keeping us updated.
Continue to not reply to him. His panic attacks and breakdowns are nothing to do with you. Block his number if you can. Going no contact is very important, at this stage any tiny bit of attention from you will be taken as a reason for him to try and weasel his way back into your life. Hopefully time will make him realise that he needs to leave you alone.
posted by fight or flight at 1:36 PM on February 12, 2022 [1 favorite]
Continue to not reply to him. His panic attacks and breakdowns are nothing to do with you. Block his number if you can. Going no contact is very important, at this stage any tiny bit of attention from you will be taken as a reason for him to try and weasel his way back into your life. Hopefully time will make him realise that he needs to leave you alone.
posted by fight or flight at 1:36 PM on February 12, 2022 [1 favorite]
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posted by restless_nomad at 10:31 AM on January 24, 2022 [114 favorites]