Should I move back to my home country?
January 17, 2022 6:55 AM Subscribe
I'm an immigrant who has lived in a Western country for decades. Should I move back to my home country?
I'll try really hard to keep this concise. Difficult to do, as this is a really fraught subject for me.
For the purpose of this question: the word 'here' means 'the Western country in which I currently live'; the word 'home' refers to my country of origin.
So, me: immigrant. Grew up in my country of origin but my parents worked extremely hard to make it possible for me to emigrate to a Western country. The expectation was always that I would move West and not come back.
The problem is it's getting on the 20th year of my life in this country and I just... am not happy, and want to go home.
There are many problems with this. I have a life here. I am single, but I own a home, I have relationships, a life and a lifestyle that could not be perfectly replicated in my country of origin. I have a lot of freedom and flexibility here that I would not get at home. I also, in theory, have a wide dating pool available.
In my home country I would have FAR less space (I'd have to live with my family - I won't go into it, but for Reasons, I could not live by myself or with housemates), less flexibility, less access to amenities, less freedom, and not much of a social circle. It would take work to build one up from scratch. It's one of those cities where friend circles are quite stable and closed. Culturally, it's also a city where it is very hard to date. Most people my age are married and online dating isn't really a thing. This is a big problem for me. There's nothing wrong with being single, but I do not want to remain single by default. Another big problem for me is distance from my siblings. They and their families all live in the West and I can see them now at the drop of a hat. The idea of being a 14 hour plane journey away from them is untenable to me. Honestly it's a big, big part of what keeps me here.
So, why do I keep thinking about moving back? I worry about my family - they need my support. I love them and miss them, and I want to get more time with them as they get older. I recently posted a question about wanting to get a job that would allow for periods of remote working. It's important to me to be able to have more time with them.
I love my home city in ways that I find difficult to put into words. I feel still and at peace there even when things are going wrong; I feel that most of the time, when I'm in my Western home, there is something inside me incomplete or yearning, and when I'm at home, that feeling is simply not there. (However, part of me does wonder if that peace is simply because I'm usually on holiday when I am there. Would it be different if I actually lived and worked there?)
I also feel more creatively free - I do much more of my chosen creative practice there.
Also, whenever I go there, I am conscious of something else: optimism. My home country has a growing economy. There are always things happening. People are excited about the future. People don't sit and complain about how terrible things are, how this country is going to the dogs, etc. To me, as someone who has spent much of their formative years mired in pessimism, this is... amazing.
It's weird to me because I did not have a brilliant childhood in my home country. I felt depressed and anxious, I had very few friends, and was desperate to get out. My self-confidence, sense of self etc only really blossomed after I left my home country. Now, 20 years later, I feel as desperate to go back.
So, yeah. Honestly, I don't really know what to do. I am just tired of feeling unhappy and always missing home. But I am worried about what a big and impractical change it would be. If I were to consider moving back, how exactly should I even go about such an enormous, life-changing move? Should I, shouldn't I? How would I even make such a big decision? What if I make the wrong decision? If I decided to stay here, what could I do to make myself feel more rooted, less restless? I'd be really interested to hear from other Mefites who have been in comparable situations.
Please be kind and excuse length, sentimentality and the privilege inherent in this question. AskMe has always been a kind place; thanks in advance.
I'll try really hard to keep this concise. Difficult to do, as this is a really fraught subject for me.
For the purpose of this question: the word 'here' means 'the Western country in which I currently live'; the word 'home' refers to my country of origin.
So, me: immigrant. Grew up in my country of origin but my parents worked extremely hard to make it possible for me to emigrate to a Western country. The expectation was always that I would move West and not come back.
The problem is it's getting on the 20th year of my life in this country and I just... am not happy, and want to go home.
There are many problems with this. I have a life here. I am single, but I own a home, I have relationships, a life and a lifestyle that could not be perfectly replicated in my country of origin. I have a lot of freedom and flexibility here that I would not get at home. I also, in theory, have a wide dating pool available.
In my home country I would have FAR less space (I'd have to live with my family - I won't go into it, but for Reasons, I could not live by myself or with housemates), less flexibility, less access to amenities, less freedom, and not much of a social circle. It would take work to build one up from scratch. It's one of those cities where friend circles are quite stable and closed. Culturally, it's also a city where it is very hard to date. Most people my age are married and online dating isn't really a thing. This is a big problem for me. There's nothing wrong with being single, but I do not want to remain single by default. Another big problem for me is distance from my siblings. They and their families all live in the West and I can see them now at the drop of a hat. The idea of being a 14 hour plane journey away from them is untenable to me. Honestly it's a big, big part of what keeps me here.
So, why do I keep thinking about moving back? I worry about my family - they need my support. I love them and miss them, and I want to get more time with them as they get older. I recently posted a question about wanting to get a job that would allow for periods of remote working. It's important to me to be able to have more time with them.
I love my home city in ways that I find difficult to put into words. I feel still and at peace there even when things are going wrong; I feel that most of the time, when I'm in my Western home, there is something inside me incomplete or yearning, and when I'm at home, that feeling is simply not there. (However, part of me does wonder if that peace is simply because I'm usually on holiday when I am there. Would it be different if I actually lived and worked there?)
I also feel more creatively free - I do much more of my chosen creative practice there.
Also, whenever I go there, I am conscious of something else: optimism. My home country has a growing economy. There are always things happening. People are excited about the future. People don't sit and complain about how terrible things are, how this country is going to the dogs, etc. To me, as someone who has spent much of their formative years mired in pessimism, this is... amazing.
It's weird to me because I did not have a brilliant childhood in my home country. I felt depressed and anxious, I had very few friends, and was desperate to get out. My self-confidence, sense of self etc only really blossomed after I left my home country. Now, 20 years later, I feel as desperate to go back.
So, yeah. Honestly, I don't really know what to do. I am just tired of feeling unhappy and always missing home. But I am worried about what a big and impractical change it would be. If I were to consider moving back, how exactly should I even go about such an enormous, life-changing move? Should I, shouldn't I? How would I even make such a big decision? What if I make the wrong decision? If I decided to stay here, what could I do to make myself feel more rooted, less restless? I'd be really interested to hear from other Mefites who have been in comparable situations.
Please be kind and excuse length, sentimentality and the privilege inherent in this question. AskMe has always been a kind place; thanks in advance.
Honestly, I don't really know what to do. I am just tired of feeling unhappy and always missing home.
I was born in the US and now live in Scandinavia. I absolutely identify with feeling unhappy and missing home. I met my future partner (now ex) during a year abroad in college. Later we moved back to his home country with our child. He and I separated and our child and I moved back to the US. I am giving you all this background to explain my situation.
When I moved to Scandinavia, my partner had lived with our family in the US for nearly 20 years. Every Christmas he was sad and missed his home country and his relatives. It only seemed fair to move to his country, both for our child and for him. I hoped to create a new and thriving life for myself as well. What actually happened was that he became depressed (because neither of us could find work for several years). I became depressed because it was astonishingly hard to make close friends.
Research revealed that I had moved to a country that is unwelcoming to newcomers, including adults who grew up in the country, spent many years abroad for their careers, and then returned to the same country. In general, it is harder to make friends in your 30s and 40s. In specific places, it is nearly impossible. My experience was so hard that I vowed never to move back.
But I had been away from my home country for nearly a decade. My close friends, as I have commented earlier here, were able to reweave their lives without me because I was just one person. When I returned, they didn't really have room in their lives for me anymore. Because they were so warm and welcoming when I visited from Europe, I thought our old relationships would continue has they had. But that was a mistake. They simply did not have the time nor energy to see me as often as they did before my move to Europe.
I have been back in Scandinavia for a few years now. Despite my promise to stay away, I moved back to be close to my child and my grandchildren. The friends I do have here live in a different city and I cannot imagine ever having the kind of close friends I once had in the US because I'm in my 60s and that kind of closeness requires plenty of time to develop. I have accepted that fact. I am not happy about it, but I chose my family (with my child's encouragement) over a geographical sense of home.
My goal isn't happiness anymore. My goal is a sense of loving connection to my closest family through service and support. I will always miss my chosen family, the friends who have meant so much to me over the years, the folks I still love and who still love me. So I stay in touch with them as best I can while knowing that I just cannot have what I want, which is all the people I love and myself in the same time zone under a non-crazy government.
I have no idea what you should do, but do as much research as you can before you make any permanent move. Surely others have faced the same situation as you and moved back. Try to find those people and talk to them to see how their choices worked out. This stuff is challenging, and there are no easy answers. Good luck!
posted by Bella Donna at 7:54 AM on January 17, 2022 [4 favorites]
I was born in the US and now live in Scandinavia. I absolutely identify with feeling unhappy and missing home. I met my future partner (now ex) during a year abroad in college. Later we moved back to his home country with our child. He and I separated and our child and I moved back to the US. I am giving you all this background to explain my situation.
When I moved to Scandinavia, my partner had lived with our family in the US for nearly 20 years. Every Christmas he was sad and missed his home country and his relatives. It only seemed fair to move to his country, both for our child and for him. I hoped to create a new and thriving life for myself as well. What actually happened was that he became depressed (because neither of us could find work for several years). I became depressed because it was astonishingly hard to make close friends.
Research revealed that I had moved to a country that is unwelcoming to newcomers, including adults who grew up in the country, spent many years abroad for their careers, and then returned to the same country. In general, it is harder to make friends in your 30s and 40s. In specific places, it is nearly impossible. My experience was so hard that I vowed never to move back.
But I had been away from my home country for nearly a decade. My close friends, as I have commented earlier here, were able to reweave their lives without me because I was just one person. When I returned, they didn't really have room in their lives for me anymore. Because they were so warm and welcoming when I visited from Europe, I thought our old relationships would continue has they had. But that was a mistake. They simply did not have the time nor energy to see me as often as they did before my move to Europe.
I have been back in Scandinavia for a few years now. Despite my promise to stay away, I moved back to be close to my child and my grandchildren. The friends I do have here live in a different city and I cannot imagine ever having the kind of close friends I once had in the US because I'm in my 60s and that kind of closeness requires plenty of time to develop. I have accepted that fact. I am not happy about it, but I chose my family (with my child's encouragement) over a geographical sense of home.
My goal isn't happiness anymore. My goal is a sense of loving connection to my closest family through service and support. I will always miss my chosen family, the friends who have meant so much to me over the years, the folks I still love and who still love me. So I stay in touch with them as best I can while knowing that I just cannot have what I want, which is all the people I love and myself in the same time zone under a non-crazy government.
I have no idea what you should do, but do as much research as you can before you make any permanent move. Surely others have faced the same situation as you and moved back. Try to find those people and talk to them to see how their choices worked out. This stuff is challenging, and there are no easy answers. Good luck!
posted by Bella Donna at 7:54 AM on January 17, 2022 [4 favorites]
I think a lot of the answer here depends on your age and if you want to a) get married and b) have a child. Moving somewhere with a dramatically smaller pool of partners if that is a goal seems counter-productive.
posted by DarlingBri at 8:14 AM on January 17, 2022
posted by DarlingBri at 8:14 AM on January 17, 2022
Response by poster: I think a lot of the answer here depends on your age and if you want to a) get married and b) have a child.
Late 30s; I do want to get married. I'm resigned to the possibility of not having biological children. Once in a stable partnership, I would want to adopt a child from my home country.
Sincere thanks for the answers so far.
posted by unicorn chaser at 8:28 AM on January 17, 2022
Late 30s; I do want to get married. I'm resigned to the possibility of not having biological children. Once in a stable partnership, I would want to adopt a child from my home country.
Sincere thanks for the answers so far.
posted by unicorn chaser at 8:28 AM on January 17, 2022
It all comes down to opportunities.
Does your western education give you any advantage over those who did not? Can you get a more prestigious job or have better opportunities because you have it?
There is a saying: I'd rather be a big fish in a small pond than a small fish in a big pond. Here in the west, you are feeling as if you're a small fish in a big pond. If you move back, would you be a big fish?
But this also requires framing the question in a different way: would you be happy as a big fish? The answer is not as obvious as you'd think.
posted by kschang at 8:39 AM on January 17, 2022
Does your western education give you any advantage over those who did not? Can you get a more prestigious job or have better opportunities because you have it?
There is a saying: I'd rather be a big fish in a small pond than a small fish in a big pond. Here in the west, you are feeling as if you're a small fish in a big pond. If you move back, would you be a big fish?
But this also requires framing the question in a different way: would you be happy as a big fish? The answer is not as obvious as you'd think.
posted by kschang at 8:39 AM on January 17, 2022
What if I make the wrong decision?
Then you can change it. Nothing is permanent, unless there are factors you've not mentioned in your question that mean that going home would make it impossible to ever leave again. And by trying it, I think you'll really know how what the answer to this question is.
Assuming it would be practical, you can move home for a year (or two, whatever), find out how you feel about being there when you have to work, live with your family long-term, adjust your expectations for the future, have less time and energy for creativity, and generally not be in a holiday mood there. Then decide whether you want to stay or head back to the Western country when that year is up. You can even tell your family in advance that this is a one/two year visit, so if you decide to head back at the end of that time, it won't be a big drama.
I've seen this work out both ways. I lived a long way from home for a few years, then decided to move home. I pretty much expected it to be a temporary thing, just to scratch that itch and get it out of my system. I got home but actually pined for The Other Place for two years. Eventually a decent opportunity came up to go back, I went there to interview for the job, so excited. Got there, and discovered that deep down in my gut, I actually didn't want to move back there. It was a total surprise to me, and probably the greatest understanding I've ever had of the phrase 'gut feeling'. I just had a weird feeling in my stomach the whole time, a sense of my body resisting the world around me, until eventually it really dawned on me and I just sat there stunned, thinking "Shit. I thought I wanted this, but it turns out I don't." I went back home, carried on with the life I'd started there, and was so much more settled and able to enjoy it. I still love the other place in my very bones, love the idea of maybe living there again one day, but it's not right for me at the moment.
A friend of mine, who is from afar, went home for good, took the whole family, they bought a big house, expected to stay forever. They just... didn't like it. A year later, they sold the house, came back to the UK, and are still here.
I think both of us are happy to be where we are, glad that we tried it out, and glad that we had the courage to course-correct when needed. Making the other option real and actually living it, gives you the chance to really find out what you think.
I guess the caveat is around the question of settling down - you maybe think that staying where you are would make it easier to settle down? Or that you don't have time to waste and need to make a final decision now? I'd say that feeling uncertain about where you want to be is the thing most likely to stop you settling down. If you can invest a year or two now in really finding out where it is you want to live, you'll then be in a better place to be feel content and settled for the decades to come.
posted by penguin pie at 9:27 AM on January 17, 2022 [4 favorites]
Then you can change it. Nothing is permanent, unless there are factors you've not mentioned in your question that mean that going home would make it impossible to ever leave again. And by trying it, I think you'll really know how what the answer to this question is.
Assuming it would be practical, you can move home for a year (or two, whatever), find out how you feel about being there when you have to work, live with your family long-term, adjust your expectations for the future, have less time and energy for creativity, and generally not be in a holiday mood there. Then decide whether you want to stay or head back to the Western country when that year is up. You can even tell your family in advance that this is a one/two year visit, so if you decide to head back at the end of that time, it won't be a big drama.
I've seen this work out both ways. I lived a long way from home for a few years, then decided to move home. I pretty much expected it to be a temporary thing, just to scratch that itch and get it out of my system. I got home but actually pined for The Other Place for two years. Eventually a decent opportunity came up to go back, I went there to interview for the job, so excited. Got there, and discovered that deep down in my gut, I actually didn't want to move back there. It was a total surprise to me, and probably the greatest understanding I've ever had of the phrase 'gut feeling'. I just had a weird feeling in my stomach the whole time, a sense of my body resisting the world around me, until eventually it really dawned on me and I just sat there stunned, thinking "Shit. I thought I wanted this, but it turns out I don't." I went back home, carried on with the life I'd started there, and was so much more settled and able to enjoy it. I still love the other place in my very bones, love the idea of maybe living there again one day, but it's not right for me at the moment.
A friend of mine, who is from afar, went home for good, took the whole family, they bought a big house, expected to stay forever. They just... didn't like it. A year later, they sold the house, came back to the UK, and are still here.
I think both of us are happy to be where we are, glad that we tried it out, and glad that we had the courage to course-correct when needed. Making the other option real and actually living it, gives you the chance to really find out what you think.
I guess the caveat is around the question of settling down - you maybe think that staying where you are would make it easier to settle down? Or that you don't have time to waste and need to make a final decision now? I'd say that feeling uncertain about where you want to be is the thing most likely to stop you settling down. If you can invest a year or two now in really finding out where it is you want to live, you'll then be in a better place to be feel content and settled for the decades to come.
posted by penguin pie at 9:27 AM on January 17, 2022 [4 favorites]
When did your feelings about your home country start to really gnaw at you? Before or after the pandemic?
I ask because even though the longest I've been from my home country was 18 months, in the last year I'd say I've been fantasizing more about where else I might live, and I think this is largely due to how my life has become smaller in the pandemic. If there is a chance that's influencing your decision, I'd maybe wait until this latest wave has passed, warm weather has sprung, and life feels a bit less dreary wherever you are.
In the meantime, I'd research what type of jobs might allow remote work, what skills they might require, and work to get to a place where you'd be attractive for those types of jobs. Then I'd do a trial run with your home country - say, six months - before making a longer-term commitment (i.e. selling your home in your current country of residence).
Another thing to consider - how easily do you make friends? If you're extroverted and that comes easy to you, moving is a bit less of a risk.
Good luck!
posted by coffeecat at 9:42 AM on January 17, 2022
I ask because even though the longest I've been from my home country was 18 months, in the last year I'd say I've been fantasizing more about where else I might live, and I think this is largely due to how my life has become smaller in the pandemic. If there is a chance that's influencing your decision, I'd maybe wait until this latest wave has passed, warm weather has sprung, and life feels a bit less dreary wherever you are.
In the meantime, I'd research what type of jobs might allow remote work, what skills they might require, and work to get to a place where you'd be attractive for those types of jobs. Then I'd do a trial run with your home country - say, six months - before making a longer-term commitment (i.e. selling your home in your current country of residence).
Another thing to consider - how easily do you make friends? If you're extroverted and that comes easy to you, moving is a bit less of a risk.
Good luck!
posted by coffeecat at 9:42 AM on January 17, 2022
In some ways, it sounds like it won't really matter where you live. If you move to your home country, you will be missing your siblings and their families, and possibly the freedom and lifestyle you have now. If you stay where you are, you will continue to miss your family and home country.
You could take a practical approach to the decision: which homebase makes it easier to visit the other country/people? Would you have enough money for trips if you moved? Can the people in one place more easily visit you in the other?
Or you could take a more.... I don't know what to call it exactly... approach: get therapy, straighten out what you're actually looking for, how to be happy in either place, etc. I favor this approach from the standpoint that it often isn't the place that impacts life as much as other stuff, and you sound kind of stressed and unhappy generally.
posted by dpx.mfx at 10:14 AM on January 17, 2022 [2 favorites]
You could take a practical approach to the decision: which homebase makes it easier to visit the other country/people? Would you have enough money for trips if you moved? Can the people in one place more easily visit you in the other?
Or you could take a more.... I don't know what to call it exactly... approach: get therapy, straighten out what you're actually looking for, how to be happy in either place, etc. I favor this approach from the standpoint that it often isn't the place that impacts life as much as other stuff, and you sound kind of stressed and unhappy generally.
posted by dpx.mfx at 10:14 AM on January 17, 2022 [2 favorites]
This isn't exactly an answer to your question, but what's your social life like here, where you are now? Can you spend the next year or so really developing and nourishing friendships with people (especially your age & with overlapping values) who also immigrated from your home country, or culturally similar places? It's so hard to be in this in-between space, only partly belonging to the place you live but not fully belonging anywhere else more. Finding friends in the same situation who you share values with may be such a balm to the spirit, whatever you end up deciding.
posted by knucklebones at 10:34 AM on January 17, 2022 [4 favorites]
posted by knucklebones at 10:34 AM on January 17, 2022 [4 favorites]
As someone that has emigrated from one country to another and has been away from my birth country for almost 15 years at this point, be very careful that what you are are homesick for isn't for how the country used to be. The world has changed a lot in that time, your home country isn't going to be exactly what you remember anymore. Don't confuse nostalgia with homesickness. Don't confuse how you feel on vacation while everyone is excited you are there and everyone is happy with day to day. There was a reason you emigrated, is that reason still valid?
Is there a third country option? Our two countries, Australia and the US are very far apart physically so we're actually considering moving to hawaii to get a compromise of the nicer climate and more laid back lifestyle I miss from Australia with the things about the US my partner would miss, it also cuts our travelling time from one country or the other in half, which makes visiting easier.
Having said that there is also nothing wrong with going home again. and if you go back and end up not liking it, there is absolutely nothing that says you can't move again if you want.
posted by wwax at 12:29 PM on January 17, 2022 [3 favorites]
Is there a third country option? Our two countries, Australia and the US are very far apart physically so we're actually considering moving to hawaii to get a compromise of the nicer climate and more laid back lifestyle I miss from Australia with the things about the US my partner would miss, it also cuts our travelling time from one country or the other in half, which makes visiting easier.
Having said that there is also nothing wrong with going home again. and if you go back and end up not liking it, there is absolutely nothing that says you can't move again if you want.
posted by wwax at 12:29 PM on January 17, 2022 [3 favorites]
If you have the funds, you could consider investing in 'home country' by meeting people in a similar situation to yourself (locally, nationally, social media) so you could have a connection with people, as the economy of the country is growing. You could even invest in the creative activity that you do.
For example if your creative activity is say, basket weaving, you could invest in the Young/Women/Whatever Basket Weavers of Home Country, and connect with them through social media or some other means, for example, a local charity.
Also, is it possible you could move to a place where there are more people from your home country? Even a place with a shop or store that has goods can mean a lot.
posted by Ms. Moonlight at 3:45 AM on January 18, 2022
For example if your creative activity is say, basket weaving, you could invest in the Young/Women/Whatever Basket Weavers of Home Country, and connect with them through social media or some other means, for example, a local charity.
Also, is it possible you could move to a place where there are more people from your home country? Even a place with a shop or store that has goods can mean a lot.
posted by Ms. Moonlight at 3:45 AM on January 18, 2022
Best answer: If I were to consider moving back, how exactly should I even go about such an enormous, life-changing move? Should I, shouldn't I? How would I even make such a big decision? What if I make the wrong decision? If I decided to stay here, what could I do to make myself feel more rooted, less restless?
Consider yourself in good company when giving your attention to these questions. These really are some of the Very Big Questions that people wrestle with, and vacillate about, and--fortunately for humanity--it seems like this kind of hesitation addresses so many threads of such a shared human experience that it's foundational to art and storytelling as far back as people have made art and told stories. We are a wayward species, and we go here and there and regret and falter and wonder and we seem to long for what's left behind, what's been discovered, and what is still just over the horizon. Perhaps in equal measure on average, but each of us feels the tug of one of those--past, present, future--a little more than the others from time to time.
I hate to say it then, but there's no decision truer or more relevant to you than your own. Outside of the visits that happen once or twice per year, I haven't lived nearer than 2,300 miles from my home town for the last 20 years. It's odd to write that out and think about how much time has passed. I didn't intend to be gone this long (I don't think), and some of the far flung places I've been have not felt like half the home my home town was or is (ditto all the people I love in my home town). But this odd 20 year journey has really shown me so much. Highs and lows, for sure, places to return to and places to never even pass through again. People, places, and things. It's taught me that I can't go back, as they say, because back there is a different place than when I last left it. And it'll be different again when I return once more. Even I don't fit as well there as I once did, even though I knew before I left that I didn't fit well there. I'm ostensibly further away from there as I've ever been and, strangely, I find that I fit quite well here--certainly more so than I expected was possible, but I also can't shake the feeling that I'm missing something or that feeling like a good fit somewhere shouldn't (or doesn't) ever come free/cheap/easy. I recognize these twists and turns are what it's all about in some grand sense. I don't think that's always a comfort, yet it is a reminder of a shared situation. I love books about this part of what we do, the twisting and turning along. The complications. Odysseus, polytropon.
You're writing an Odyssey of your own.
So, why do I keep thinking about moving back? I worry about my family - they need my support.
This is a good and noble reason to make big, uncertain, life-altering decisions. Whatever you choose, it will be correct even if it's difficult to make the choice.
posted by late afternoon dreaming hotel at 9:09 AM on January 20, 2022 [1 favorite]
Consider yourself in good company when giving your attention to these questions. These really are some of the Very Big Questions that people wrestle with, and vacillate about, and--fortunately for humanity--it seems like this kind of hesitation addresses so many threads of such a shared human experience that it's foundational to art and storytelling as far back as people have made art and told stories. We are a wayward species, and we go here and there and regret and falter and wonder and we seem to long for what's left behind, what's been discovered, and what is still just over the horizon. Perhaps in equal measure on average, but each of us feels the tug of one of those--past, present, future--a little more than the others from time to time.
I hate to say it then, but there's no decision truer or more relevant to you than your own. Outside of the visits that happen once or twice per year, I haven't lived nearer than 2,300 miles from my home town for the last 20 years. It's odd to write that out and think about how much time has passed. I didn't intend to be gone this long (I don't think), and some of the far flung places I've been have not felt like half the home my home town was or is (ditto all the people I love in my home town). But this odd 20 year journey has really shown me so much. Highs and lows, for sure, places to return to and places to never even pass through again. People, places, and things. It's taught me that I can't go back, as they say, because back there is a different place than when I last left it. And it'll be different again when I return once more. Even I don't fit as well there as I once did, even though I knew before I left that I didn't fit well there. I'm ostensibly further away from there as I've ever been and, strangely, I find that I fit quite well here--certainly more so than I expected was possible, but I also can't shake the feeling that I'm missing something or that feeling like a good fit somewhere shouldn't (or doesn't) ever come free/cheap/easy. I recognize these twists and turns are what it's all about in some grand sense. I don't think that's always a comfort, yet it is a reminder of a shared situation. I love books about this part of what we do, the twisting and turning along. The complications. Odysseus, polytropon.
You're writing an Odyssey of your own.
So, why do I keep thinking about moving back? I worry about my family - they need my support.
This is a good and noble reason to make big, uncertain, life-altering decisions. Whatever you choose, it will be correct even if it's difficult to make the choice.
posted by late afternoon dreaming hotel at 9:09 AM on January 20, 2022 [1 favorite]
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But that sense of home - it is very real. For me, it’s my current country and I don’t know how it will feel to live as a stranger in a new place. But I want to assure you that the sense of home in a place is very real and meaningful. I think your idea of being remote and moving back - a few years, a decade - is worthwhile.
I know quite a few people who live in two countries, traveling back and forth every 6-9 months. It requires a very sociable personality to build a network in two countries, but social media helps. They are very happy and interesting people and love both countries very much. I have noticed they have somewhat different lifestyles in each, almost two personalities.
posted by dorothyisunderwood at 7:29 AM on January 17, 2022 [3 favorites]