How do I adjust to a change in managerial style?

January 11, 2022 3:24 AM

For years I've had a very, very difficult manager who made my professional life so hard I had multiple breakdowns over the course of the last two years. I held on (barely) because I knew it was temporary and once they moved on, I would have the chance to make a fresh start under someone who was hopefully a better fit. Now I have, and I'm struggling to adjust to a rather unexpected issue. Details inside.

My previous manager was condescending, gave conflicting instructions which they would later straight up deny, could not be relied upon to have the team's back, sexist, and extremely micromanage-y. I have a very well-paying, secure job and they drove me very close to considering quitting in the middle of a fragile economy and a pandemic (which would've been, uh, a bad idea). They easily made the mental toll of the pandemic 3x harder than it had to be, in a scenario where I was already isolating alone and with a very thin social support system.
So you'll understand when I say that the day they were given a very unexpected lateral move and my reporting lines changed, I went out and celebrated till 2 in the morning.
My new manager is slightly eccentric, but sweet and kind. I don't recoil when I see their name pop up on calls. But they're also not a micromanager AT ALL. After a couple of years of being minutely instructed and snippily supervised, this both feels like exhaling a breath that I'd been holding forever and...not quite knowing how to going back to structuring my days independently? I'm just slacking off (work is remote and doesn't involve too many meetings)- deadlines are rolling and while I'm meeting the most urgent ones I feel like I've lost the sense of direction/self-regulation I had prior to ex-manager. It's complicated by a sense of boredom with the work itself (moves at my level are currently stalled due to the pandemic) as well as the accumulated toll of stress/anxiety/burnout over the last couple of years dealing with both work and non-work difficulties.
I don't want my new manager to think I am lazy or undependable. Please help me a way to go back to micro-managing myself, as it were. Thanks.

posted by Nieshka to Work & Money (16 answers total)

I think the simplest way might be to have a single to-do list, and regular, frequent catch ups with your manager where you go over your to-do list, discuss progress and sort out any prioritisation issues. If can show that you are proactive then even if you're not thinking of everything or not planning effectively, it's more likely that your manager will just help you.
posted by plonkee at 3:33 AM on January 11, 2022 [8 favorites]

2nd a to-do list, it def helps me to write those things down with dates (even though I rarely share the list with anyone else)

but also - pls give yourself permission to slack the fuck off for a while - you've been under super-high stress for all this time, and it feels like you've internalised it - so now the external pressure is gone you're looking to put _yourself_ under the stress that your bad ex-manager used to put you under? - which doesn't sound like good practice to me, to oppress yourself

so: instead, indulge yourself - award yourself the afternoon off every now & again - the work will get done, when it gets done - you do not have interests in common with your boss
posted by rd45 at 3:55 AM on January 11, 2022 [11 favorites]

Can you have weekly check ins for a while until you know each other better? I work remote and have a weekly 20-min check in video call with my boss every Monday just to take a look at the upcoming week and projects and deadlines and calibrate our expectations. There is something to be said about managing up, but you can't do that until you understand your new boss better. Maybe start weekly and then go bi-weekly?
posted by archimago at 4:20 AM on January 11, 2022 [1 favorite]

Response by poster: Won't be threadsitting after this, but new manager does not want to do weekly check-ins right now. They've said they're comfortable with the team members regulating their own workload, at least till they get the hang of what we do. My impression from speaking to their previous team is that they're supportive but fairly hands-off. So while it could be something to explore down the line, right now I have to figure out a way to manage myself.
posted by Nieshka at 4:34 AM on January 11, 2022 [1 favorite]

You are recovering from a toxic boss, which is not like flipping a switch, and is self-solved more than new-boss-solved (which is would be a toxic boss, not healthy boss, strategy). Ask A Manager has had several where-are-they-now stories that have your same adjustment period of reacclimating to healthy expectations. If you want to be more formal, EAP for the transition or therapy for long shadows might also help. Are you up to befriending people through professional networks to get some positive external peer pressure to underscore performance when you talk shop or engage with professional development?
posted by childofTethys at 5:03 AM on January 11, 2022

Oof, warning warning. Regular, weekly check -ins are normal and part of a good manager relationship. Managers should be having weekly check-ins with every employee they have no matter how long they've been working together or how long anyone has been at their job. If you don't have active work to talk about, you talk about job goals, or ideas for major projects, or the weather, or literally anything at all. It's how a good manager catches problems before they become problems, by making that space. It's not even remotely unreasonable or a sign of you being a needy employee or a bad employee or anything like that for you to ask for them. Quite the opposite actually.

Source: I have a well-liked and effective manager, I am a well-liked and effective manager, and I'm in HR where this is the advice we give to other managers on how to be a well-liked and effective manager. Meet regularly with your employees is literally the most very basic manager 101.

I'm a little worried you've gone from one extreme to another on the spectrum of bad management styles. You're not getting the support you need to succeed and it's not your fault.
posted by phunniemee at 5:05 AM on January 11, 2022 [19 favorites]

I agree with phunniemee about regular meetings (either weekly or fortnightly, although I prefer weekly). You are a better judge than I am, but if your new boss has simply said that they don't need weekly check-ins with you, they might be willing to do short check-ins with you if you said that you would find it more helpful. However, other ideas to throw out that may or may not be any good for you:

acquiring a mentor
sharing progress with a peer colleague
instituting a team catch up (not necessarily involving your manager) where you share notes on where your various pieces of work are up to
scheduling out your diary into slots for various tasks (aka creating structure)

Another thought that might address some of your boredom issues is doing some learning and development, could be low stakes like reading a new book in your field and sharing a summary or more effort like signing up for a training course of some kind. New input might be helpful in kickstarting your interest more broadly.
posted by plonkee at 5:23 AM on January 11, 2022 [5 favorites]

… new manager does not want to do weekly check-ins right now.

OK, fine, good for them, but you want to do weekly check-ins. This shouldn’t be about only what the manager wants.

I would try again to say that you work most effectively with a weekly cycle of reviewing work and setting goals* and would really appreciate a brief weekly check-in. This is an entirely reasonable request so it’s worth pushing gently on this.

* or however you want to phrase the benefits. Maybe other folks can come up with a better script; I haven’t had a manager for years.
posted by fabius at 5:24 AM on January 11, 2022 [2 favorites]

Have a weekly check in with a friend. It provides a type of accountability without the work fear or consequences. They might not totally be able to give you feedback or obviously give you specified follow up questions or tasks, but it might just be a nice reality check each week. Even just along the lines of “yeah, I had two empty afternoons this week as well.” Also if you keep a written record of your “check ins” then you have something to support that you have been doing work (similarly, if the request for weekly check ins was in person, send an email one so you have a record of it).
posted by raccoon409 at 5:28 AM on January 11, 2022 [4 favorites]

Sounds like you just need someone to hold you accountable, whether that's yourself, a friend, a co-worker, your manager, or stranger, it doesn't matter. And from what you've described, you don't trust yourself to do this task, at the moment, and you're a little embarrassed to approach your co-worker or your manager. Guess that leaves a stranger or a friend.
posted by kschang at 5:47 AM on January 11, 2022

How would you feel about suggesting something to your manager that doesn't require much commitment from them, like "To make sure we're staying on the same page, I'm going to send you an email every Monday morning outlining my plans and priorities for the week"?

Your manager may read and respond to the email or they may not, but if you commit to doing something like that you may find it forces you to set yourself some shorter-term goals.
posted by mskyle at 5:55 AM on January 11, 2022 [15 favorites]

Your situation is remarkably like mine, though I so far have skipped the micro-management. I have been off-site running my own program since 2012. Next week I will have my fourth manager in nine years. Their style has ranged from interested in my work to, "Contact me only in the event of a nuclear attack."

As suggested above, here are a few things I do:

1. An ongoing To Do list. This is mine, it isn't shared and I list Action Steps like in the book, "Getting Things Done."

2. I send my Manager a weekly report of my activities. I've done this even with the Manager who said she never read the weekly report. My rationale has always been, "Because I'm off-site, it's important for me to know that if Upper Bureaucracy ever asks you what I've been doing, you have a clear record of what I am doing and how I report that." Knowing that I had to report weekly sometimes helped with motivation and work completion when I otherwise felt like slacking off.

3. For those Managers who did want a weekly check-in, having sent the weekly report to them on Friday greatly decreased and focused the weekly time we spent talking. Those who didn't want a check-in got a slightly more detailed weekly report.

Also, accept the slack/burnout and take care of yourself. Sometimes doing the least is the refresher that is needed to come back and do more.
posted by ITravelMontana at 6:41 AM on January 11, 2022 [5 favorites]

I agree with doing a check-in with a colleague. And then send your boss weekly updates. If they read them, great, they may be able to help you prioritize. If they don't read them, great, you can show where you told them what you were doing and didn't receive any feedback saying you should be doing something differently.

I get how hard it is to switch from a horrible boss to a hands-off one. Give yourself a couple of weeks to enjoy the less stressful time and maybe even consider taking a couple of days off to really give yourself a break. When you have more energy, I think you'll be able to do an excellent job of managing your time!
posted by dawkins_7 at 7:27 AM on January 11, 2022

If your new boss is sweet and kind, you could ask them for more support. "Hey new eccentric boss, its helpful for me to have a weekly (or bi-weekly) supervision where we can go over priorities. Would you be amenable to that? I know you are new so you may be busy, but even 30 mins to an hour would make a big difference to me."

Definitely cut yourself some slack. But medium and long-term, its worth having a bit of a paper trail just in case your sweet & kind new boss moves on, you want to be able to tell next up about what you have been up to.
posted by RajahKing at 8:02 AM on January 11, 2022 [1 favorite]

Even if a recurring weekly check-in seems like something new boss doesn’t want, I would probably set a meeting in any week where I felt I needed feedback or input, as needed. It’s sort of sneaking in a check-in but it would get my needs met. Maybe new boss had a bad experience with a weekly, ongoing model; reframing based on need might (and I think, should) go better.
posted by Riverine at 9:22 AM on January 11, 2022

As somebody whose diary is back to back I disagree with the idea that weekly meetings are a must. How often a manager has to meet with somebody is highly role and level specific. I have a few different roles with different teams. In one role, which is part of a team that includes both technical specialists and a number of people who are more administrative, we have a weekly team meeting with our team lead. I am one of the technical people with a clear remit and I personally think that meeting is a waste of my time. But my team lead likes to have them as an easy way to get everybody up to date on certain topics and the more admin type people like to have the meeting.

In another role, which is client facing, I now have daily meetings with one of my teams because we are in a key project phase with imminent hard deadlines. In addition to the full team meeting, I talk to various team members individually and we have a daily client meeting with the senior team members....we are in full execution mode and s?&t has to get done.

Another project is ongoing but not a key phase so we talk regularly but as needed. Because of the very long-term nature and multiple workstreams we do however meet weekly with our client SPOC.

Various suggestions have been made for to do lists etc. In terms of working with your new manager, your objective seems to be to hold yourself accountable and to ensure you are meeting their expectations.

1/ If you haven't had a meeting with new manager to understand their goals, priorities and how they would like to work with you have that meeting. If that does not help you identify ways in which you can connect with them more frequently I'd nth the suggestions to send them a weekly update.

2/ Do this on a Friday afternoon and share what you achieved that week and what you plan to do the following week. It is now up to them to read this or not. If they would prefer you to focus on something else they can then ask you to do that. If they are happy with your plan or don't read the email, you have still committed yourself in writing. You can now hold yourself accountable against the plan. And if your manager later tells you that you should have prioritized something else you can be genuinely confused. After all they knew your plan and had every opportunity to ask you to prioritize something else...

3/ I might be tempted to just keep forwarding the previous week's email adding the update at the top. That makes it very easy to look back once a month to see if there are particular tasks that may be slipping or be more problematic to achieve. With such items, you can then figure out what makes them problematic and how to overcome that. Or ask your manager for support in doing that. After all now you have a specific question you need their input for...
posted by koahiatamadl at 12:06 PM on January 11, 2022