Have I made a terrible mistake with my dog adoption??
January 9, 2022 11:27 PM Subscribe
I have had my dog for 3 months now, and am finally coming to terms with the severe stress she's causing around my personal life, job, and relationships. I have always been frustrated when people rehome/return their dogs, so it's hard to imagine not keeping her. Help!
My new dog, B, was a foster-to-adopt dog as I thought she'd be a good fit but wanted to make sure. After two weeks I decided she's amazing and adopted her. My old dog was high strung and anxious, and given that I'm already pretty anxious, I knew I wanted a much more even keeled, chill dog. Oops.
I quickly learned that B has serious separation anxiety, and I had to hire a trainer and suspend absences. I live alone and don't have a partner so the only way to leave my house is if I can find a friend to help or hire a dog walker/sitter. Dog walkers and sitters are expensive. Even with help, B cries and whines when I leave and is hard to distract. I left her with her dog walker (who she loves) at the dog walker's house, with the dog walker's dog (B loves dogs) for a few hours so I could run errands...then the dog walker texted to say B was freaking out for a while then turned unconsolable and I had to pick B up. (The walker was very kind about it and I am glad she told me!)
I've started having trouble getting work done in my house (my job is remote) because of B's barking, and the intermittent alert barks are giving me headaches and making me on edge all day. I've cried in bed a few times out of exhaustion and frustration, particularly when she barks at something randomly at midnight. My trainer recommended going to the vet to talk about meds because now B is shedding, possibly because of stress. So now the dog is on prozac and zylkene to see if we can calm her enough to progress with separation anxiety training.
I am miserable.
Meanwhile, B is wonderful. She is cute and funny. She is 11 months old, and I am fine with so many puppy behaviors that we are working on like chewing things and jumping on people. These things get better with work and age. But the stuff that's happening now is unbearable.
I have tried doing more and longer walks several times a day - though it's been harder with recent cold and snow (and I don't have a yard), playdates, a Petsmart training class, Rover walkers and sitters, a trainer from a reputable company near me, kongs, puzzle toys, trick training, and more. I'm reading all the books and watching all the articles I can find. I just bought a flirt pole to see if that helps. Today my trainer (after generously watching B for 45 minutes so I could run an errand, which was great because the trainer could see how B acts in my absence) said that after observing her, we are maybe misunderstanding what B needs. B is so high energy and so alert and intense that she is always going to need tons of walks, runs, and training, and that the behaviors I am struggling with now will take months or longer to improve. All of this aligns with what I've observed. The trainer basically said she was giving me permission (in a kind supportive way) to think about rehoming B.
I love this dog. My family loves her. My friends love her. People in the neighborhood love her. I am worried about the intense guilt I'll feel if I return her to the rescue. I'm worried this will break my heart. I'm worried I won't get to have another dog - and I so so so need a dog in my life - because the rescue will put my name on a list of Terrible People. I'm worried my friends will judge me or even stop talking to me because this is an awful, selfish thing to do. I'm worried I'll wait too long to rehome B and by then it'll be cruel since she'll be even more attached to me. But I'm also worried about if I can handle this level of energy and anxiety for 10+ years. I'm ashamed I made a poor choice in finding the right dog for me.
Please help. What do I do? How can I make this decision and live with the consequences??
My new dog, B, was a foster-to-adopt dog as I thought she'd be a good fit but wanted to make sure. After two weeks I decided she's amazing and adopted her. My old dog was high strung and anxious, and given that I'm already pretty anxious, I knew I wanted a much more even keeled, chill dog. Oops.
I quickly learned that B has serious separation anxiety, and I had to hire a trainer and suspend absences. I live alone and don't have a partner so the only way to leave my house is if I can find a friend to help or hire a dog walker/sitter. Dog walkers and sitters are expensive. Even with help, B cries and whines when I leave and is hard to distract. I left her with her dog walker (who she loves) at the dog walker's house, with the dog walker's dog (B loves dogs) for a few hours so I could run errands...then the dog walker texted to say B was freaking out for a while then turned unconsolable and I had to pick B up. (The walker was very kind about it and I am glad she told me!)
I've started having trouble getting work done in my house (my job is remote) because of B's barking, and the intermittent alert barks are giving me headaches and making me on edge all day. I've cried in bed a few times out of exhaustion and frustration, particularly when she barks at something randomly at midnight. My trainer recommended going to the vet to talk about meds because now B is shedding, possibly because of stress. So now the dog is on prozac and zylkene to see if we can calm her enough to progress with separation anxiety training.
I am miserable.
Meanwhile, B is wonderful. She is cute and funny. She is 11 months old, and I am fine with so many puppy behaviors that we are working on like chewing things and jumping on people. These things get better with work and age. But the stuff that's happening now is unbearable.
I have tried doing more and longer walks several times a day - though it's been harder with recent cold and snow (and I don't have a yard), playdates, a Petsmart training class, Rover walkers and sitters, a trainer from a reputable company near me, kongs, puzzle toys, trick training, and more. I'm reading all the books and watching all the articles I can find. I just bought a flirt pole to see if that helps. Today my trainer (after generously watching B for 45 minutes so I could run an errand, which was great because the trainer could see how B acts in my absence) said that after observing her, we are maybe misunderstanding what B needs. B is so high energy and so alert and intense that she is always going to need tons of walks, runs, and training, and that the behaviors I am struggling with now will take months or longer to improve. All of this aligns with what I've observed. The trainer basically said she was giving me permission (in a kind supportive way) to think about rehoming B.
I love this dog. My family loves her. My friends love her. People in the neighborhood love her. I am worried about the intense guilt I'll feel if I return her to the rescue. I'm worried this will break my heart. I'm worried I won't get to have another dog - and I so so so need a dog in my life - because the rescue will put my name on a list of Terrible People. I'm worried my friends will judge me or even stop talking to me because this is an awful, selfish thing to do. I'm worried I'll wait too long to rehome B and by then it'll be cruel since she'll be even more attached to me. But I'm also worried about if I can handle this level of energy and anxiety for 10+ years. I'm ashamed I made a poor choice in finding the right dog for me.
Please help. What do I do? How can I make this decision and live with the consequences??
I foster and volunteer with dog rescue and I hope no-one will judge you in this situation, I certainly don't. She sounds wonderful but not a good fit for you.
Could you call / email the rescue, explain the situation, and offer to keep her in foster with you until a home is found? She doesn't sound like a difficult dog to re-home, and it would be far less disruptive for her to keep her in home foster rather than go back to the rescue. It would just be as if you'd fostered for longer.
I would not worry about keeping her longer and attachment...some dogs stay in foster for up to a year. Of course they love their fosters and miss them at first , but they adapt quickly to a new home. Don't feel ashamed - these things happen. But if you revert to being her foster, keep her with you for the moment, and help the rescue by providing good photos, a clear outline of her needs and some good video, you will have helped this dog a lot, on her way to a home that's a better fit for her. Good luck and thank you for rescuing.
posted by tardigrade at 11:54 PM on January 9, 2022 [17 favorites]
Could you call / email the rescue, explain the situation, and offer to keep her in foster with you until a home is found? She doesn't sound like a difficult dog to re-home, and it would be far less disruptive for her to keep her in home foster rather than go back to the rescue. It would just be as if you'd fostered for longer.
I would not worry about keeping her longer and attachment...some dogs stay in foster for up to a year. Of course they love their fosters and miss them at first , but they adapt quickly to a new home. Don't feel ashamed - these things happen. But if you revert to being her foster, keep her with you for the moment, and help the rescue by providing good photos, a clear outline of her needs and some good video, you will have helped this dog a lot, on her way to a home that's a better fit for her. Good luck and thank you for rescuing.
posted by tardigrade at 11:54 PM on January 9, 2022 [17 favorites]
"I have tried doing more and longer walks several times a day - though it's been harder with recent cold and snow (and I don't have a yard), playdates, a Petsmart training class, Rover walkers and sitters, a trainer from a reputable company near me, kongs, puzzle toys, trick training, and more. I'm reading all the books and watching all the articles I can find. I just bought a flirt pole to see if that helps."
Will you try one last thing?
Stop. Stay home for three or four days. Do bathroom walks, nothing else. Order takeout, cuddle with your dog, watch favorite shows, cancel everything but the most necessary work. Forgive and ignore me if I'm off base, but you sound exhausted. Did you know that a lot of doggy problems can be traced back to chronic sleep deprivation? Your high-strung girl is probably very often alert to any signs of you leaving, and I wonder how much of her problems are a result of your combined fatigue. Yes, she needs exercise and stimulation. No doubt. But try a hardcore reset first.
After that, you can reevaluate. The random barks might stop. If not, try kikopup's desensitization videos on YouTube. For the separation anxiety, try Karen Overall's relaxation protocol. I want to say more, but I have mostly questions...like, what does "freaking out" at the dog walker's house mean? What training have you done for the separation anxiety up to now?
Of course you can give her up. But you sound too much in love, and you sound like me, and I could never actually do it.
posted by toucan at 12:16 AM on January 10, 2022 [20 favorites]
Will you try one last thing?
Stop. Stay home for three or four days. Do bathroom walks, nothing else. Order takeout, cuddle with your dog, watch favorite shows, cancel everything but the most necessary work. Forgive and ignore me if I'm off base, but you sound exhausted. Did you know that a lot of doggy problems can be traced back to chronic sleep deprivation? Your high-strung girl is probably very often alert to any signs of you leaving, and I wonder how much of her problems are a result of your combined fatigue. Yes, she needs exercise and stimulation. No doubt. But try a hardcore reset first.
After that, you can reevaluate. The random barks might stop. If not, try kikopup's desensitization videos on YouTube. For the separation anxiety, try Karen Overall's relaxation protocol. I want to say more, but I have mostly questions...like, what does "freaking out" at the dog walker's house mean? What training have you done for the separation anxiety up to now?
Of course you can give her up. But you sound too much in love, and you sound like me, and I could never actually do it.
posted by toucan at 12:16 AM on January 10, 2022 [20 favorites]
I would not judge you at all for returning this dog to the rescue. In fact, I would think it showed you had good judgment, better than if you chose to keep the dog when there is an obvious mismatch. And from your description, there’s a mismatch, confirmed by the trainer.
I like the way other commenters have reframed this for you as having given the dog extended an extended foster situation, as opposed to you “giving up.”
It’s a much more mature option to return this dog so she can be placed in a more suitable situation. I’m sorry, I know you will miss her because you care about her a lot, but it’s precisely because you do care that you need to let her go.
posted by hurdy gurdy girl at 12:22 AM on January 10, 2022 [10 favorites]
I like the way other commenters have reframed this for you as having given the dog extended an extended foster situation, as opposed to you “giving up.”
It’s a much more mature option to return this dog so she can be placed in a more suitable situation. I’m sorry, I know you will miss her because you care about her a lot, but it’s precisely because you do care that you need to let her go.
posted by hurdy gurdy girl at 12:22 AM on January 10, 2022 [10 favorites]
I am so so so incredibly grateful to the people who made the tough decision to return my sweet, high-anxiety, high-alert dog. We have given her the perfect home *for her.*
What other people think doesn't matter. What matters is what is best for you & for this dog. Being in a situation of high-alert is not fun or healthy for the dog, either.
I'm not going to give any advice about this dogs behaviors because you are working with a trainer & presumably you also have support from the rescue group? I will say that 11 months old is still very much a puppy and to me it seems like catastrophic thinking to believe that this dog will act like a puppy forever (and yes puppies need way way way more activity & attention than adult dogs, it is totally OK to decide that you aren't equipped to handle this puppy).
And on the other hand you will not harm this dog by essentially fostering her for a few more months while you decide. Dogs have the incredible gift of living perfectly in the moment. My first dog was fostered for 6 months with another family before we adopted him and when he had the opportunity to meet his foster family at social events, he clearly remembered them and loved them and it was very exciting but he did not *miss* them.
posted by muddgirl at 1:10 AM on January 10, 2022 [10 favorites]
What other people think doesn't matter. What matters is what is best for you & for this dog. Being in a situation of high-alert is not fun or healthy for the dog, either.
I'm not going to give any advice about this dogs behaviors because you are working with a trainer & presumably you also have support from the rescue group? I will say that 11 months old is still very much a puppy and to me it seems like catastrophic thinking to believe that this dog will act like a puppy forever (and yes puppies need way way way more activity & attention than adult dogs, it is totally OK to decide that you aren't equipped to handle this puppy).
And on the other hand you will not harm this dog by essentially fostering her for a few more months while you decide. Dogs have the incredible gift of living perfectly in the moment. My first dog was fostered for 6 months with another family before we adopted him and when he had the opportunity to meet his foster family at social events, he clearly remembered them and loved them and it was very exciting but he did not *miss* them.
posted by muddgirl at 1:10 AM on January 10, 2022 [10 favorites]
It's ok to return a dog that's not a good match for you AND still be frustrated with people who do this. The only catch is that you'll have to adjust your thinking very slightly around this to account for the uncommon, specific instances where a person has tried everything, but it's impacting their quality of life significantly. Because that's exactly what happened to you!
(It also means that you'll probably need to pause and reserve judgement for at least a moment in the future when you hear stories of people returning dogs. You can and will feel whatever you want of course – frustration, anger, disappointment — it's just tinged with some personal wisdom now about what *might* be going on in their case.)
Our beliefs about the world are always more nuanced than we realise. We still get to decide how we want to hold them when we get new information. Go forth with what you need to do that's going to be best for your wellbeing and be kind to yourself about whatever you decide.
posted by iamkimiam at 1:11 AM on January 10, 2022 [8 favorites]
(It also means that you'll probably need to pause and reserve judgement for at least a moment in the future when you hear stories of people returning dogs. You can and will feel whatever you want of course – frustration, anger, disappointment — it's just tinged with some personal wisdom now about what *might* be going on in their case.)
Our beliefs about the world are always more nuanced than we realise. We still get to decide how we want to hold them when we get new information. Go forth with what you need to do that's going to be best for your wellbeing and be kind to yourself about whatever you decide.
posted by iamkimiam at 1:11 AM on January 10, 2022 [8 favorites]
I don’t have a dog, but: my friend had a dog I loved, Lucy the greyhound, and my friend was her second rescuer after she was returned. They loved and understood one another for many good years.
I was the second rescuer of my cat Mystery. And I’m not even mad at her first— they made the right choice to return her, she was meant to be my cat.
Second rescues are a thing. If you do rehome B— a call only you can make— know that her people will be there, waiting for her.
posted by Pallas Athena at 2:01 AM on January 10, 2022 [8 favorites]
I was the second rescuer of my cat Mystery. And I’m not even mad at her first— they made the right choice to return her, she was meant to be my cat.
Second rescues are a thing. If you do rehome B— a call only you can make— know that her people will be there, waiting for her.
posted by Pallas Athena at 2:01 AM on January 10, 2022 [8 favorites]
I really do feel for you. We struggled with our first dog (as adults) for two years for many of the same reasons. She suffered from terrible separation anxiety and was very high strung - we tried everything and beat ourselves up a lot over it. Finally, when she began exhibiting bad biting and snapping behavior around our toddler, we threw in the towel and contacted the breeder, who took her back no questions asked - she was quick to say that this happens and sometimes the dog truly just is a bad fit. Our girl was adopted by another dog breeding couple w/o kids on a farm, who worked with difficult breeds.
Meanwhile, we stayed in touch with the breeder and adopted a new dog, who is the chillest, most easygoing and trainable dog I've ever seen. I can't tell you how much more relaxing and peaceful our household is and how much we love this boy.
Please don't beat yourself up or stay in a bad situation - you need to help your dog and it sounds like there is a good alternative situation available. Sorry about this.
posted by fortitude25 at 4:08 AM on January 10, 2022 [7 favorites]
Meanwhile, we stayed in touch with the breeder and adopted a new dog, who is the chillest, most easygoing and trainable dog I've ever seen. I can't tell you how much more relaxing and peaceful our household is and how much we love this boy.
Please don't beat yourself up or stay in a bad situation - you need to help your dog and it sounds like there is a good alternative situation available. Sorry about this.
posted by fortitude25 at 4:08 AM on January 10, 2022 [7 favorites]
Everyone has good advice above.
I am so so so sorry you're going through this.
I had a dog who was a perfect wonderful darling. And then he came out of his shell and it turned out he had very serious aggression.
My husband and I turned our lives upside down and inside out for this dog for many years. We didn't have the option of rehoming him because of his biting. When I read the part of your question above the fold, I was afraid your dog was aggressive. She will find a home if you return her and you'll both be happier for it. No one will think you're terrible and screw them if they do. Please let yourself do the right thing for you and your dog.
posted by RobinofFrocksley at 4:57 AM on January 10, 2022 [7 favorites]
I am so so so sorry you're going through this.
I had a dog who was a perfect wonderful darling. And then he came out of his shell and it turned out he had very serious aggression.
My husband and I turned our lives upside down and inside out for this dog for many years. We didn't have the option of rehoming him because of his biting. When I read the part of your question above the fold, I was afraid your dog was aggressive. She will find a home if you return her and you'll both be happier for it. No one will think you're terrible and screw them if they do. Please let yourself do the right thing for you and your dog.
posted by RobinofFrocksley at 4:57 AM on January 10, 2022 [7 favorites]
Chiming in as another person grateful for my challenging, high anxiety (medicated!) rescue dog. I adopted him last year at age 9. I was not his first try at a home, but now he's in the right place for good.
posted by phunniemee at 5:22 AM on January 10, 2022 [4 favorites]
posted by phunniemee at 5:22 AM on January 10, 2022 [4 favorites]
This post breaks my heart. I've absolutely been there. I adopted my first dog, Mina, from a shelter when she was around four months old. She is an Australian Shepherd/Cardigan Welsh Corgi mix and was high-strung, anxious, and extremely active from day one. Within the first few weeks of being with me, she completely destroyed a friend's apartment. She escaped from her crate and caused destruction every day until I finally had to padlock her in. I took her to daycare. We did training. She had a daily walker. Nothing changed.
After about a year, she did seem to settle down a bit, but we moved to a neighborhood with tons of barking dogs around that time and she took up alert barking. I work remote and this became such a problem on calls that I actually got a formal warning about it from my work.
When I started trying to go out of town, I took her to a daycare/boarding facility, and she got kicked out after three stays because she was being aggressive with dogs entering and exiting the playrooms.
Every time these issues started or worsened, I wondered if she was in the right place with me and what I could do to make her life better. When she was just lying with me on the couch, she seemed so happy – she is the sweetest, most loving, empathetic dog that I've ever encountered. But there were times where she seemed so anxious and on edge that I felt bad for both her and me. It wasn't any way for either of us to live.
There was no real magic answer for me. I did ultimately speak to my vet, who recommended a Prozac prescription, which does seem to help at least with overall anxiety and barking. Around the time that she turned 3, I started testing leaving her uncrated when I left the house (with the aid of a nanny cam) and to my surprise she simply slept on the couch. She has good days and bad days in terms of barking and anxiety. Just yesterday she spent about 15 minutes straight barking and I couldn't get her to settle. But at the end of the day she is my heart dog, and I cannot imagine my life without her.
All that said, I absolutely 100% give you permission to rehome her. This is not admitting defeat. It's simply admitting that being with you is not the best place for her to have the best possible life, the life that she deserves. It's up to you if you can manage the possibility that these behaviors could change with work, or they may not. You obviously care about her tremendously and want to do what's right by her, and that may mean (as heartbreaking as it is for both of you) letting her live with someone else who can give her what she needs.
I'm thinking of you and B and hope that whatever decision you make brings both of you peace. <3
posted by anotheraccount at 6:28 AM on January 10, 2022 [1 favorite]
After about a year, she did seem to settle down a bit, but we moved to a neighborhood with tons of barking dogs around that time and she took up alert barking. I work remote and this became such a problem on calls that I actually got a formal warning about it from my work.
When I started trying to go out of town, I took her to a daycare/boarding facility, and she got kicked out after three stays because she was being aggressive with dogs entering and exiting the playrooms.
Every time these issues started or worsened, I wondered if she was in the right place with me and what I could do to make her life better. When she was just lying with me on the couch, she seemed so happy – she is the sweetest, most loving, empathetic dog that I've ever encountered. But there were times where she seemed so anxious and on edge that I felt bad for both her and me. It wasn't any way for either of us to live.
There was no real magic answer for me. I did ultimately speak to my vet, who recommended a Prozac prescription, which does seem to help at least with overall anxiety and barking. Around the time that she turned 3, I started testing leaving her uncrated when I left the house (with the aid of a nanny cam) and to my surprise she simply slept on the couch. She has good days and bad days in terms of barking and anxiety. Just yesterday she spent about 15 minutes straight barking and I couldn't get her to settle. But at the end of the day she is my heart dog, and I cannot imagine my life without her.
All that said, I absolutely 100% give you permission to rehome her. This is not admitting defeat. It's simply admitting that being with you is not the best place for her to have the best possible life, the life that she deserves. It's up to you if you can manage the possibility that these behaviors could change with work, or they may not. You obviously care about her tremendously and want to do what's right by her, and that may mean (as heartbreaking as it is for both of you) letting her live with someone else who can give her what she needs.
I'm thinking of you and B and hope that whatever decision you make brings both of you peace. <3
posted by anotheraccount at 6:28 AM on January 10, 2022 [1 favorite]
I had a similar situation to you, complete with guilt, but with a cat adoption. I struggled for six months to get it right, convinced that I had to, and probably stressing the poor guy out longer than was necessary. I finally gave him back to his rescue and he was adopted soon after, to a home that suited him much better. I suspect that some of the rescue ladies might have sideeyed me, but in the end the best thing for the cat was not with me.
You have a trainer working with you, who has evaluated you and the dog and made a professional judgement that the two of you don't suit. I think a rescue would hear that and help you get the dog placed elsewhere. And I hope your friends and family are not too judgmental, because you're clearly doing your best in this situation.
posted by PussKillian at 6:50 AM on January 10, 2022 [3 favorites]
You have a trainer working with you, who has evaluated you and the dog and made a professional judgement that the two of you don't suit. I think a rescue would hear that and help you get the dog placed elsewhere. And I hope your friends and family are not too judgmental, because you're clearly doing your best in this situation.
posted by PussKillian at 6:50 AM on January 10, 2022 [3 favorites]
I volunteer at a shelter and rehomings of the kind you are describing are pretty common- a dog seems like a wonderful match in foster care but then weeks or months in a serious mismatch becomes apparent that can’t be fully rectified (usually extreme separation anxiety or really, really, high energy to the point they’re tearing up a place even with a huge amount of walking). This is honestly just seen by staff as an expected part of the occasional adoption more akin to the category of foster care not working out, completely different to the category of flippant rehomings ages later. We have no returnees left at the moment, all our second chance adoptions worked out with a new family who adores them and were so much better informed in order to find the right fit . Shelter staff aren’t judging owners who did their best effort and it just wasn’t a match, and you have clearly gone above and beyond. Particularly if you can help out with foster, shelter staff will be grateful for the foster home and detailed understanding of the dog’s needs.
posted by hotcoroner at 6:51 AM on January 10, 2022 [8 favorites]
posted by hotcoroner at 6:51 AM on January 10, 2022 [8 favorites]
It is absolutely okay to work with the rescue to find a more suitable forever home. You've given this pup a great start, training, socializing, love and care. Now you've gotten to know their needs and you can help with meeting them in a different way.
FWIW I had a fear-aggressive Shepherd-Rotweiller mutt I had 11 beautiful years with, but it required a lot of life changes. We were in a great place to do that at that time! I wouldn't be able to now. If I were taking on a dog, we could be the home for one like yours - someone's almost always home, we're at the beach for a fun every day, there are 4 people capable of taking responsibility. That's hugely different than being the sole owner. There will be some loving people out there for your pup.
posted by warriorqueen at 7:35 AM on January 10, 2022 [12 favorites]
FWIW I had a fear-aggressive Shepherd-Rotweiller mutt I had 11 beautiful years with, but it required a lot of life changes. We were in a great place to do that at that time! I wouldn't be able to now. If I were taking on a dog, we could be the home for one like yours - someone's almost always home, we're at the beach for a fun every day, there are 4 people capable of taking responsibility. That's hugely different than being the sole owner. There will be some loving people out there for your pup.
posted by warriorqueen at 7:35 AM on January 10, 2022 [12 favorites]
That is such a good point warriorqueen. Thinking about my beloved "high-maintenance" dog, if the exact same dog at 2 years old came up for adoption right now we would not be the right home for her now. It is a right place, right time situation. It is not a reflection on the worth of the person or the dog.
posted by muddgirl at 7:46 AM on January 10, 2022 [5 favorites]
posted by muddgirl at 7:46 AM on January 10, 2022 [5 favorites]
It really sounds like your circumstances are not compatible with keeping your dog. It feels unfair and shameful because you love her, but unless you're able and willing to overhaul your life in order to give her the lifestyle she needs to be relaxed and happy, it will be much better (for both of you!) if you can find her a home that meets her needs as they are now.
Really imagine what the ideal life for B might be: is she chasing balls in a suburban backyard? Taking long hikes in the woods? Guarding a bunch of livestock in a pasture? Riding all day in the passenger seat of a pickup? Are you in this picture at all? Is her ideal life also your ideal life? Sometimes, with all the love in the world, individuals just need different things. Maybe you made a mistake adopting her; a mistake can be fixed.
You're feeling like a terrible person not because that's true, but because you're tired, unhappy, and stressed out. So is your dog. Something needs to change, unfortunately you're the only one that can decide what that change should be. Lean into your love for B, the part of love that is selfless and only wants what's best for her and for you; let that love give you courage and strength. Good luck, may you and B find happiness, together or apart.
posted by radiogreentea at 9:55 AM on January 10, 2022 [2 favorites]
Really imagine what the ideal life for B might be: is she chasing balls in a suburban backyard? Taking long hikes in the woods? Guarding a bunch of livestock in a pasture? Riding all day in the passenger seat of a pickup? Are you in this picture at all? Is her ideal life also your ideal life? Sometimes, with all the love in the world, individuals just need different things. Maybe you made a mistake adopting her; a mistake can be fixed.
You're feeling like a terrible person not because that's true, but because you're tired, unhappy, and stressed out. So is your dog. Something needs to change, unfortunately you're the only one that can decide what that change should be. Lean into your love for B, the part of love that is selfless and only wants what's best for her and for you; let that love give you courage and strength. Good luck, may you and B find happiness, together or apart.
posted by radiogreentea at 9:55 AM on January 10, 2022 [2 favorites]
It can take foster dogs weeks to months to settle into their normal behavior, so it's highly unlikely to be the first time your rescue has had a dog come back. I went through a foster-to-adopt situation with my current dog, and the agreement I made with the rescue said that, if I did decide to return her to the rescue, I would keep her on as my foster until they found a new adopter--maybe this would be a way to approach it with your rescue? You're not a bad person or bad dog owner, whatever you decide, and finding a safe solution for your dog should not blacklist you from adopting again--if this rescue doesn't want to work with you, there will be other places to find a dog in the future.
I'm so sorry you and your dog are going through this. I know what it's like to love a dog and to also be really at the end of your rope and not think you can live with them. There were many times in the first year where rehoming my dog was a serious consideration. I'm sending you so many good thoughts while you grapple with this situation.
posted by assenav at 10:23 AM on January 10, 2022 [2 favorites]
I'm so sorry you and your dog are going through this. I know what it's like to love a dog and to also be really at the end of your rope and not think you can live with them. There were many times in the first year where rehoming my dog was a serious consideration. I'm sending you so many good thoughts while you grapple with this situation.
posted by assenav at 10:23 AM on January 10, 2022 [2 favorites]
In addition to all the helpful comments above, I would add a possible script for future (potentially awkward) conversations: "Sadly, it became clear over time that I was a better match as B's foster home, not her forever home. It was really hard, but the best decision for both of us."
posted by pril at 1:42 PM on January 10, 2022 [5 favorites]
posted by pril at 1:42 PM on January 10, 2022 [5 favorites]
I think one thing that I wish that rescue organizations were more up front about is the relationship between mental health of the owner and emotional/mental health of the animal, especially in animals that have stronger bonding behaviors, like dogs.
This dog has very strong bonding, and she senses you are anxious about the world. That makes her anxious for you. Even if she's not normally anxious about the world, she is anxious and alert about how it will interact with you. This is because she loves you, and worries for you - you note that it increased as you got closer. She is still a puppy and is very easily influenced. I have lived this life! I have pretty bad anxiety and I had a dog once nose-punch a veterinarian in the groin and bust a door open to get to me to make sure I was okay.
I don't think that - assuming she's still young, cute, and funny - returning her to a no-kill shelter is a big deal. But I do think returning her and then getting another puppy would be a big deal. It's possible you may need a dog that is more established in her life who is less likely to be influenced - you might need a chill, but older, dog.
posted by corb at 6:53 PM on January 10, 2022 [1 favorite]
This dog has very strong bonding, and she senses you are anxious about the world. That makes her anxious for you. Even if she's not normally anxious about the world, she is anxious and alert about how it will interact with you. This is because she loves you, and worries for you - you note that it increased as you got closer. She is still a puppy and is very easily influenced. I have lived this life! I have pretty bad anxiety and I had a dog once nose-punch a veterinarian in the groin and bust a door open to get to me to make sure I was okay.
I don't think that - assuming she's still young, cute, and funny - returning her to a no-kill shelter is a big deal. But I do think returning her and then getting another puppy would be a big deal. It's possible you may need a dog that is more established in her life who is less likely to be influenced - you might need a chill, but older, dog.
posted by corb at 6:53 PM on January 10, 2022 [1 favorite]
OP here. Thank you x1000 for all of this advice (and helping me feel ok coming out of my anonymous shell). I have been struggling with this decision, and between my trainer's advice and all of you giving me this permission to make this choice, I believe I'm going to rehome this lovely dog. (Someone pointed out that it's not really rehoming - she's going to go "back" to the rescue - aka I'll foster her - and be adopted by someone else)
pril I love that sentence and will be using it!!!
This is going to be super hard.
For reference and to see why it'll be so hard to say goodbye, here is the munchkin in question.
posted by violetish at 6:58 PM on January 10, 2022 [9 favorites]
pril I love that sentence and will be using it!!!
This is going to be super hard.
For reference and to see why it'll be so hard to say goodbye, here is the munchkin in question.
posted by violetish at 6:58 PM on January 10, 2022 [9 favorites]
This dog is so cute that it will get adopted pretty quickly. I was halfway to SEND ME THE DOG before I remembered that I have two dogs already.
posted by corb at 7:08 PM on January 10, 2022 [2 favorites]
posted by corb at 7:08 PM on January 10, 2022 [2 favorites]
Oh she is just gorgeous! I agree with corb, she will have no problem being rehomed. She will be the right dog for someone, and someone will be the right forever home for her! You have done a wonderful thing by fostering her through exhausting puppy stages and by observing her personality and needs so you can pass that along to the rescue group. The rescue now has a lot more information to give potential adopters than when you first started fostering her, and that is a good thing. I wish you both the best.
posted by hurdy gurdy girl at 11:48 PM on January 10, 2022 [3 favorites]
posted by hurdy gurdy girl at 11:48 PM on January 10, 2022 [3 favorites]
I'm so sorry you've had to go through this, but I think you are making the best decision in returning her.
You've also learned a lot about your own needs in the process, about what kind of dog will work for you. That's good.
There can sometimes be an attitude, in dog training circles, that it's always the owner's fault if the dog displays problem behavior, and that can lead to an endless quest for the "fix", whether it's a different diet, medication, training technique, more or less exercise, etc etc while all the time you feel that there must be something wrong with with *you* because no matter how hard you try, the dog doesn't respond as it's supposed to.
In my experience, dogs are, in fact, not endlessly malleable or programmable, and just like humans, they have their own distinct flaws and needs that can't always be trained away.
Sometimes the kind of person you are, and the kind of person your dog is, just don't match no matter how hard you try.
Please be kind to yourself. Maybe give yourself a bit of time before trying again with another dog. Consider getting a slightly older dog, puppies are exhausting!
Thank you for caring so much. And that's a super cute sweetheart of a dog!She's definitely not going to be waiting long for a new home.
posted by Zumbador at 1:59 AM on January 12, 2022 [3 favorites]
You've also learned a lot about your own needs in the process, about what kind of dog will work for you. That's good.
There can sometimes be an attitude, in dog training circles, that it's always the owner's fault if the dog displays problem behavior, and that can lead to an endless quest for the "fix", whether it's a different diet, medication, training technique, more or less exercise, etc etc while all the time you feel that there must be something wrong with with *you* because no matter how hard you try, the dog doesn't respond as it's supposed to.
In my experience, dogs are, in fact, not endlessly malleable or programmable, and just like humans, they have their own distinct flaws and needs that can't always be trained away.
Sometimes the kind of person you are, and the kind of person your dog is, just don't match no matter how hard you try.
Please be kind to yourself. Maybe give yourself a bit of time before trying again with another dog. Consider getting a slightly older dog, puppies are exhausting!
Thank you for caring so much. And that's a super cute sweetheart of a dog!She's definitely not going to be waiting long for a new home.
posted by Zumbador at 1:59 AM on January 12, 2022 [3 favorites]
This thread is closed to new comments.
Your rescue contract probably included a provision requiring you to return the dog to them rather than rehome independently. So, what's the result here if you return the dog to them? You've given the dog a good foster home for a few months, with regular meals, frequent walks, a comfortable place to sleep, and lots of affection and attention. You've helped give a puppy its formative education. You've probably spared the rescue a lot of basic vetting bills. The rescue, now armed with better information about the dog's personality and needs, can find the dog a home which is a better match. Ultimately, it sounds like it might be in everyone's interests to rehome. I can't say no one will be judgy, because some people are like that, but I think if you frame it in those terms many people will understand.
If this were a dog for whom you were likely truly the last chance at a home--a nine-year-old pit bull with a bite history and medical problems you got from some awful southern kill shelter--you might reasonably be more hesitant. But a young cute dog is likely to be snapped up again quickly. Just be sure to follow the procedures you agreed to with the rescue. It's hard to say because there are no official standards, but you probably won't be blackballed by all rescues if you follow the rules and are straightforward and honest next time about what the problem was (and obviously apply only for dogs that seem less likely to have so much anxiety).
It's heartbreaking, but if ultimately you turned out to be "just" one loving stop on the dog's road to their best home, you will still have done a lot for them.
posted by praemunire at 11:43 PM on January 9, 2022 [44 favorites]