A weird dealbreaker
December 12, 2021 2:03 AM
The person I am dating aspires to be a politician. Is it weird that I find this off-putting?
I like this person in a lot of ways - they have a good heart, we share the same sense of humor and a curiosity about the world that makes our conversations endlessly interesting. They seem to really like me and accept me for who I am, including the weird, not-always-attractive parts, so I’m really struggling to figure out why I’m having such a hard time with this. As far as I can tell, we both share pretty much the same political views (considered pretty left/progressive in the US).
They say that they want to be a career politician and eventually run for office because they feel it’s the best way to use their abilities and aptitudes to make the world a better place. With anyone else I think I would find that admirable, but for some reason it gives me a weird feeling in my gut here.
I like this person in a lot of ways - they have a good heart, we share the same sense of humor and a curiosity about the world that makes our conversations endlessly interesting. They seem to really like me and accept me for who I am, including the weird, not-always-attractive parts, so I’m really struggling to figure out why I’m having such a hard time with this. As far as I can tell, we both share pretty much the same political views (considered pretty left/progressive in the US).
They say that they want to be a career politician and eventually run for office because they feel it’s the best way to use their abilities and aptitudes to make the world a better place. With anyone else I think I would find that admirable, but for some reason it gives me a weird feeling in my gut here.
We get a lot of exposure to the idea that politicians are untrustworthy — the news, movies, tv…. Mostly, I suppose, because it’s exciting storytelling that grabs an audience. Could this have something to do with your feelings?
A political career can be a stand-alone job, but a lot of the local and state posts are part-time positions that are (usually) somewhat under-compensated second jobs. It’s hard having a partner be that tied up. Could this have something to do with your feelings?
I have a friend who served a couple of terms as a town councilor and who is involved in his party’s operation. As far as I can tell, his marriage is doing well, and the two of them are pretty happy. No kids, which makes stuff easier, I suppose.
posted by GenjiandProust at 3:52 AM on December 12, 2021
A political career can be a stand-alone job, but a lot of the local and state posts are part-time positions that are (usually) somewhat under-compensated second jobs. It’s hard having a partner be that tied up. Could this have something to do with your feelings?
I have a friend who served a couple of terms as a town councilor and who is involved in his party’s operation. As far as I can tell, his marriage is doing well, and the two of them are pretty happy. No kids, which makes stuff easier, I suppose.
posted by GenjiandProust at 3:52 AM on December 12, 2021
I would not want to be a political spouse myself and if you end up with them and they actually run for office, you would be. I would absolutely have reservations about the relationship ONLY for that reason. It could affect your career and safety at minimum these days. If you are not on board with kinda being a politician yourself...
I recommend reading And His Lovely Wife by Connie Schultz, who married Senator Sherrod Brown, as she is very honest about what this is like.
posted by jenfullmoon at 5:24 AM on December 12, 2021
I recommend reading And His Lovely Wife by Connie Schultz, who married Senator Sherrod Brown, as she is very honest about what this is like.
posted by jenfullmoon at 5:24 AM on December 12, 2021
Wanting to become a politician can be a noble goal. That said, given today's media and political culture, I sure as hell would not want to be a pol's spouse, or even boy/girlfriend. These days, that's akin to painting a big, bright target on your back. Doubly-so if you lean left in any way. It's totally reasonable to have misgivings about this.
posted by Thorzdad at 5:36 AM on December 12, 2021
posted by Thorzdad at 5:36 AM on December 12, 2021
Keep in mind that the vast majority of people who "go into politics" end up running for small local positions or end up as an advisor or support person to someone else. Neither of these necessarily impact their significant other except in terms of time away, evening and weekend events, etc.
posted by eleslie at 5:49 AM on December 12, 2021
posted by eleslie at 5:49 AM on December 12, 2021
Could you be perceiving this as some kind of ego trip? That they are power-hungry? That they have an inflated sense of self and/or of entitlement? That they assume if they run for office they will win?
posted by mareli at 5:50 AM on December 12, 2021
posted by mareli at 5:50 AM on December 12, 2021
To sort of nth mareli's comment- someone who wants to go into politics at some level wants to have power/influence over their community/state/nation. Feeling like you're special or important enough to deserve that role is a small red flag for the possibility of an inflated ego. Also, a bit of a red flag for a try-hard personality if that's a negative to you.
posted by Larry David Syndrome at 5:59 AM on December 12, 2021
posted by Larry David Syndrome at 5:59 AM on December 12, 2021
After some reflection i realize that my suggestions above have to do with my biases. If the ambitious person is a white male from a privileged background then what I wrote above would be my response. If, on the other hand, the ambitious person is from a less-privileged background I'd probably applaud their ambition. Think like the difference between George W. Bush versus any number of politicians from less-privileged backgrounds.
posted by mareli at 6:28 AM on December 12, 2021
posted by mareli at 6:28 AM on December 12, 2021
In terms of the person’s base personality, I don’t think this is any worse than wanting to be an influential writer, artist, groundbreaking scientist, etc. That is, to be someone very ambitious. However, being the partner of a Very Ambitious Person (especially one that actually succeeds) can be hard.
I think one main thing is that over time, there’s a lot of pressure on politicians to gradually conform to the system, and it’s a sick system. There’s corruption possible at every level. But if we fully examined a lot of systems, that might be just as true in other areas. So it does come down to the individual. I would also suggest that if this person hasn’t actually tried it, they might not really end up in a political career. One of my friends ran for school trustee last election and I helped out and although she learned a whole lot and is still a mover and shaker…neither she nor I would probably do it again. In a large urban environment where it’s a full-time role with big budget to look after, it’s hard, especially the fundraising.
I know a former Cabinet Minister and his family (sadly not on the good guys’ side) and as a family they are ok, like, they do normal stuff and things, but their lives do orient around the needs of the ambitious person (in their case the kids had nannies etc to keep them at home doing sports and school and all that.)
posted by warriorqueen at 6:57 AM on December 12, 2021
I think one main thing is that over time, there’s a lot of pressure on politicians to gradually conform to the system, and it’s a sick system. There’s corruption possible at every level. But if we fully examined a lot of systems, that might be just as true in other areas. So it does come down to the individual. I would also suggest that if this person hasn’t actually tried it, they might not really end up in a political career. One of my friends ran for school trustee last election and I helped out and although she learned a whole lot and is still a mover and shaker…neither she nor I would probably do it again. In a large urban environment where it’s a full-time role with big budget to look after, it’s hard, especially the fundraising.
I know a former Cabinet Minister and his family (sadly not on the good guys’ side) and as a family they are ok, like, they do normal stuff and things, but their lives do orient around the needs of the ambitious person (in their case the kids had nannies etc to keep them at home doing sports and school and all that.)
posted by warriorqueen at 6:57 AM on December 12, 2021
I ran for city council and am still an activist. Politics does take time and money away from the family. And warriorqueen is right that there is pressure to conform to problems in the system. And that pressue increases with various factors. Not to say that everyone does end up conforming, but the pressure is there.
Politics is problematic, but activism of some sort is needed to bring about change.
posted by NotLost at 7:49 AM on December 12, 2021
Politics is problematic, but activism of some sort is needed to bring about change.
posted by NotLost at 7:49 AM on December 12, 2021
When I read this, my first thought was of the "political lifestyle" - lots of travel, moving to the right districts/states, attending a lot of events (either together, or them going without you), etc. And all that sounds exhausting to me.
Are you willing to make those personal sacrifices in your lifestyle/goals to support your partner?
posted by jpeacock at 8:17 AM on December 12, 2021
Are you willing to make those personal sacrifices in your lifestyle/goals to support your partner?
posted by jpeacock at 8:17 AM on December 12, 2021
Is it weird that I find this off-putting?
Nope. You are the boss of you. If you find something off-putting, you don’t need to justify those feelings. That’s how it is. You can bean-plate it and struggle or just accept it and move on. Doesn’t matter how other people feel, nor does it make you a monster.
posted by Bella Donna at 8:18 AM on December 12, 2021
Nope. You are the boss of you. If you find something off-putting, you don’t need to justify those feelings. That’s how it is. You can bean-plate it and struggle or just accept it and move on. Doesn’t matter how other people feel, nor does it make you a monster.
posted by Bella Donna at 8:18 AM on December 12, 2021
"Run for office" is a very large umbrella, and the difference between running for a local board position with any number of state level agencies, is so wildly and fundamentally different from like, running for state senate even. Lots of elected positions are not full time positions, do not receive adequate compensation, and they may need to carry a full time job in addition to their public service (extremely common, and highly problematic on the local level).
I too, would find this a not great drive in a partner, but would probably need some more clarification. Do they have an idea of the job they want to do, or do they just want to 'move up' as much as possible, or do they have a goal for a chill relatively specific job? Do they want to be involved with city, county, state or federal level politics? This would be a huge point for me. I would not be comfortable being involved with someone on a state or federal level, but a city or council position would be fine for me. YMMV, clearly.
And yeah, it's okay with this being a dealbreaker for you; you don't need to explain or justify that to anyone.
posted by furnace.heart at 8:35 AM on December 12, 2021
I too, would find this a not great drive in a partner, but would probably need some more clarification. Do they have an idea of the job they want to do, or do they just want to 'move up' as much as possible, or do they have a goal for a chill relatively specific job? Do they want to be involved with city, county, state or federal level politics? This would be a huge point for me. I would not be comfortable being involved with someone on a state or federal level, but a city or council position would be fine for me. YMMV, clearly.
And yeah, it's okay with this being a dealbreaker for you; you don't need to explain or justify that to anyone.
posted by furnace.heart at 8:35 AM on December 12, 2021
I would not want to be a political spouse myself and if you end up with them and they actually run for office, you would be.
This was where I landed when I split up with my last partner before this one. I had stayed by his side during law school, not really the best relationship times, and the closer he got to graduating the more he decided he wanted to work in politics. More power to him but I was absolutely not going to be a political spouse and my concern was that the higher up the political food chain he became, the more I'd be or feel pressured to conform to a standard I was uninterested in meeting. We had a few other differences of opinion and decided to split up because of this and he did go and do some political work though ultimately decided to work in a fancy car shop. And I'm actually an elected official in my town (a justice of the peace, though I do have some political roles and work elections etc). So I guess on the one hand I am saying "Its totally fine for this to be something you don't want" but also "Hey you never know how things are going to work out."
posted by jessamyn at 9:00 AM on December 12, 2021
This was where I landed when I split up with my last partner before this one. I had stayed by his side during law school, not really the best relationship times, and the closer he got to graduating the more he decided he wanted to work in politics. More power to him but I was absolutely not going to be a political spouse and my concern was that the higher up the political food chain he became, the more I'd be or feel pressured to conform to a standard I was uninterested in meeting. We had a few other differences of opinion and decided to split up because of this and he did go and do some political work though ultimately decided to work in a fancy car shop. And I'm actually an elected official in my town (a justice of the peace, though I do have some political roles and work elections etc). So I guess on the one hand I am saying "Its totally fine for this to be something you don't want" but also "Hey you never know how things are going to work out."
posted by jessamyn at 9:00 AM on December 12, 2021
I suggest making a list of what good possibly be the thing that makes you uneasy. Things like ego issue, wholly unrealistic, talks a good game but hasn't prepared himself, etc. Also, ask him what his first step would be.
My wife served both as appointee and as an elected board member. The biggest effect on the family was the amount of time it required. You get used to the fact that reporters never, and I mean never, get the story exactly correct. I was never in the spotlight. Mostly she wasn't either.
Laura Bush said her first request when George started to run for office was no public speaking would be required of her. That lasted about a week. Of course, they started at the Congressional level, not local office.
posted by SemiSalt at 9:15 AM on December 12, 2021
My wife served both as appointee and as an elected board member. The biggest effect on the family was the amount of time it required. You get used to the fact that reporters never, and I mean never, get the story exactly correct. I was never in the spotlight. Mostly she wasn't either.
Laura Bush said her first request when George started to run for office was no public speaking would be required of her. That lasted about a week. Of course, they started at the Congressional level, not local office.
posted by SemiSalt at 9:15 AM on December 12, 2021
My wife ran for city council and it took a huge toll on our marriage. I did not want to participate, mainly because I did not agree with her politics and the entire political endeavor. The process impacted me, in spite of me supposedly sitting it out. I was a "political widow" during the entire campaign, and promises made to me about activities that we would be attending or participating in, (my 60th birthday, my mother's 90th birthday) were broken. I am still married and happy, but I do carry some bitterness from that time.
I would be wary of anyone that was going into politics. It is all-consuming, no matter what they may tell you.
posted by furtheryet at 9:17 AM on December 12, 2021
I would be wary of anyone that was going into politics. It is all-consuming, no matter what they may tell you.
posted by furtheryet at 9:17 AM on December 12, 2021
You have every right to feel the way you do, and you don't have to justify your instincts to anybody. Like the others above, I can see many reasons why I might feel the same way if I were in your shoes. Politics is a tough and sometimes dirty business that demands a lot from both the political and their family, and can certainly rub off on both. Plus, we've seen so many examples of politicians motivated by ego and greed that we can't help but question everyone's motives and wonder if even aspiring to those positions says something negative about the person's character.
That said, as I thought this through for myself, I realized how sad this is, especially the last part. Politics affects all of us at different levels, whether we choose to engage actively, ignore things altogether, or find some kind of middle ground. The tough and sometimes dirty work needs to be done by somebody. If we look only at the negatives, and judge everyone who steps up so harshly, who are we going to be left with? The people who don't care about our approbation and are driven by greed and ego, that's who.
You say that the person you're dating seems to have a good heart and share many of your values, and it sounds like you have a good connection. Under those circumstances, maybe it would be worth having a deeper conversation with them about what exactly their plans/hopes are, how they would see their partner's involvement, what this would mean for family and other concerns, etc.? At a minimum, you would learn more about each other, and about how they deal with a partner raising a legitimate question about something that might affect them.
It might also be worthwhile seeking out memoirs of both politicians and their spouses, in order to get some idea of what their daily lives were like. T
posted by rpfields at 10:24 AM on December 12, 2021
That said, as I thought this through for myself, I realized how sad this is, especially the last part. Politics affects all of us at different levels, whether we choose to engage actively, ignore things altogether, or find some kind of middle ground. The tough and sometimes dirty work needs to be done by somebody. If we look only at the negatives, and judge everyone who steps up so harshly, who are we going to be left with? The people who don't care about our approbation and are driven by greed and ego, that's who.
You say that the person you're dating seems to have a good heart and share many of your values, and it sounds like you have a good connection. Under those circumstances, maybe it would be worth having a deeper conversation with them about what exactly their plans/hopes are, how they would see their partner's involvement, what this would mean for family and other concerns, etc.? At a minimum, you would learn more about each other, and about how they deal with a partner raising a legitimate question about something that might affect them.
It might also be worthwhile seeking out memoirs of both politicians and their spouses, in order to get some idea of what their daily lives were like. T
posted by rpfields at 10:24 AM on December 12, 2021
In addition to not wanting to be a political spouse, I’ve realized that I don’t think I could be with someone where I would likely end up playing B team to someone’s A team forever. I’ve seem this up close in my circle (eg wife plays supportive spouse to successful man whose career and personality take up a lot of room) and have stopped dating people for this reason, even if their heart/work was in the right place.
posted by cultureclash82 at 10:31 AM on December 12, 2021
posted by cultureclash82 at 10:31 AM on December 12, 2021
We have a lot of acquaintances who are local politicians. Even for the smallest, most local of offices, it involves a LOT of going to events, shaking hands, shmoozing, and generally being social. And in my experience the spouse or partner is always there. As an introvert, being in that situation would be awful to me.
posted by primethyme at 10:43 AM on December 12, 2021
posted by primethyme at 10:43 AM on December 12, 2021
I agree with eleslie and others that it would be worth clarifying what their ambitions are - city council? Maybe one day, decades from now, Mayor? I too wouldn't want to be the spouse of someone in Congress, but I think I could manage something on the level of city council.
posted by coffeecat at 12:11 PM on December 12, 2021
posted by coffeecat at 12:11 PM on December 12, 2021
They say that they want to be a career politician and eventually run for office because they feel it’s the best way to use their abilities and aptitudes to make the world a better place
The thing that I find unsettling is that one needs to spend only about 15 minutes in US politics to realize this is not how things work. But, if one’s dreams rely on a world where such things are possible, it is easy to brush reality aside. Dating someone who doesn’t share the same delusions as you can be difficult.
posted by Jon_Evil at 1:33 PM on December 12, 2021
The thing that I find unsettling is that one needs to spend only about 15 minutes in US politics to realize this is not how things work. But, if one’s dreams rely on a world where such things are possible, it is easy to brush reality aside. Dating someone who doesn’t share the same delusions as you can be difficult.
posted by Jon_Evil at 1:33 PM on December 12, 2021
Mainly my one objection to dating a politician is that it's one of those professions where the spouse, to some degree, ALSO has to have that job. Ditto the military or marrying a pastor, for example: you can't just have your usual independent life like if you were dating a marketing manager. Everything YOU do affects their job and reputation and their job will inevitably influence yours, if you can still manage to have a career because if things get high enough, you may have to give up your job. OP's person could be a genuinely awesome person. Heck, Sherrod Brown sounds like a good egg in the book I mentioned.* But it's a lot of pressure on you and a relationship and if you aren't committed to living the politician spouse life, and they are committed to being a politician, then they require someone who is willing to be their lovely spouse in public, as it were.
* I haven't read it, but possibly checking out Chasten Buttigieg's book might also be good on this topic? Or well, any president's wife memoir.
I guess I'd ask when they want to run for office, and specifically what's the highest level of office they want to shoot for. I'd probably be less freaked about being the spouse of City Councilmember Whoozums than having to be "the lovely wife" of Senator Whoozums. But then again, ambitions and goals might change, so who knows how that answer would go with time and after you've gotten married and had kids and the Democratic Party comes crawling to your Whoozums asking them to run for something big.
Whether or not your person is crooked--who knows, I hope not. But I'd probably base my decision on whether or not I could take being a political spouse, or if this person is SO awesome I'm willing to put up with being a political spouse in order to have them in my life.
posted by jenfullmoon at 3:02 PM on December 12, 2021
* I haven't read it, but possibly checking out Chasten Buttigieg's book might also be good on this topic? Or well, any president's wife memoir.
I guess I'd ask when they want to run for office, and specifically what's the highest level of office they want to shoot for. I'd probably be less freaked about being the spouse of City Councilmember Whoozums than having to be "the lovely wife" of Senator Whoozums. But then again, ambitions and goals might change, so who knows how that answer would go with time and after you've gotten married and had kids and the Democratic Party comes crawling to your Whoozums asking them to run for something big.
Whether or not your person is crooked--who knows, I hope not. But I'd probably base my decision on whether or not I could take being a political spouse, or if this person is SO awesome I'm willing to put up with being a political spouse in order to have them in my life.
posted by jenfullmoon at 3:02 PM on December 12, 2021
do you take their potential for success at all seriously? because anybody running for office at the state level or higher who has any kind of a following will certainly have their dating history and their past (not just present) partners' records and biographies sifted through by professionals whose job that is.
but while I think you should keep that in mind, I assume you are mostly troubled by the personality type it takes to be a successful career politician without having perpetual ethical crises and total psychic breakdowns on a regular basis. you don't have to be evil but you have to be moderately charismatic (not like bill clinton charismatic, but at least as good at working the public as, say, a good shoe salesman). so, fake to some degree, some of the time, depending on the level of success you achieve. and you have to compartmentalize a lot because even if your principles are all good you are going to be hurting some people once you have power. in order to not let this mess you up you have to be or become the kind of person who can be aware of that and not be messed up by it.
plus, it doesn't hurt to be a tool.
not all politicians at all levels are bad people, but they are a type of person. I would vote for many people I wouldn't date, there's no hypocrisy in that. I've let surgeons rustle around in my insides but I wouldn't date one of them, either. both ambition and confidence are somewhat off-putting in general, and in this specific context much more so. many people feel differently, but it's a personal taste and lifestyle choice that is entirely valid.
posted by queenofbithynia at 3:13 PM on December 12, 2021
but while I think you should keep that in mind, I assume you are mostly troubled by the personality type it takes to be a successful career politician without having perpetual ethical crises and total psychic breakdowns on a regular basis. you don't have to be evil but you have to be moderately charismatic (not like bill clinton charismatic, but at least as good at working the public as, say, a good shoe salesman). so, fake to some degree, some of the time, depending on the level of success you achieve. and you have to compartmentalize a lot because even if your principles are all good you are going to be hurting some people once you have power. in order to not let this mess you up you have to be or become the kind of person who can be aware of that and not be messed up by it.
plus, it doesn't hurt to be a tool.
not all politicians at all levels are bad people, but they are a type of person. I would vote for many people I wouldn't date, there's no hypocrisy in that. I've let surgeons rustle around in my insides but I wouldn't date one of them, either. both ambition and confidence are somewhat off-putting in general, and in this specific context much more so. many people feel differently, but it's a personal taste and lifestyle choice that is entirely valid.
posted by queenofbithynia at 3:13 PM on December 12, 2021
I was in a long-term relationship with someone who went into politics, not as candidate but as a high-level advisor, at the state level in a politically important state. By the end of the campaign, the candidate had won their seat but their spouse had to be hospitalized for depression, multiple campaign workers had compromised their health (typically gaining something between 50-100 pounds) and three couples had broken up, ending several long-term relationships, including mine.
I did all sorts of reading to try to understand what had happened, and the conclusion I came to was that political marriages/partnerships are under more strain than almost any other kind. During campaigns, this means both late nights and all-nighters amid the highs and lows of fundraising, polling, news coverage, deal-making and handling opponents' dirty tricks, all of which emotionally translates into relentless tension, unbelievable highs and frequent short tempers, fueled by coffee and adrenalin.
All that takes up nearly all the waking hours of both candidate and high-level staff. With what little time they have left over, they typically don’t have the energy or headspace for personal commitments and one of several different kinds of crisis may happen at any time, so they can't be depended on for anything. At the same time, it looks good if the spouse is also a committed activist, going door-to-door, hosting fundraisers and outreach sessions to find more true believers, so there’s pressure for you to “give back,” even while your partner is on hiatus. While talking to “outsiders” your conversation is confined to talking points.
Unfortunately, that’s true when you talk to “insiders” too. Some political events are all but mandatory, but you need to respect the internal political hierarchy, take care not to negatively impact your spouse, all while not letting on that your s.o. has confided in you. At the end of the campaign, if the candidate wins the campaigners suddenly find themselves unemployed and jockeying for a full-time job. That gets very ugly too.
You'd assume a lot of this kind of stuff would abate if the candidate is fortunate enough to take office, but only sort of and only for a little while. Modern politics is very intertwined with every day crisis management. Depending on the political term, the fundraising and glad-handing cycle may start again within months of the prior election.
This kind of lifestyle works best for very high-achieving high school valedictorian or class president types who have been tracking since high school or early into college. The kind that if they hadn't gone into politics would take a high-pressure 80-hour-week job on the executive track and consider that normal, even if it means they never see their spouse or children.
For those of us who don't want to be in a relationship alone, for those of us who prefer access to our partners rather than the odd glitzy night out among the rich and powerful, my advice is to stay far away. What you gain in prestige, you lose in human connection.
posted by Puppetry for Privacy at 4:48 PM on December 12, 2021
I did all sorts of reading to try to understand what had happened, and the conclusion I came to was that political marriages/partnerships are under more strain than almost any other kind. During campaigns, this means both late nights and all-nighters amid the highs and lows of fundraising, polling, news coverage, deal-making and handling opponents' dirty tricks, all of which emotionally translates into relentless tension, unbelievable highs and frequent short tempers, fueled by coffee and adrenalin.
All that takes up nearly all the waking hours of both candidate and high-level staff. With what little time they have left over, they typically don’t have the energy or headspace for personal commitments and one of several different kinds of crisis may happen at any time, so they can't be depended on for anything. At the same time, it looks good if the spouse is also a committed activist, going door-to-door, hosting fundraisers and outreach sessions to find more true believers, so there’s pressure for you to “give back,” even while your partner is on hiatus. While talking to “outsiders” your conversation is confined to talking points.
Unfortunately, that’s true when you talk to “insiders” too. Some political events are all but mandatory, but you need to respect the internal political hierarchy, take care not to negatively impact your spouse, all while not letting on that your s.o. has confided in you. At the end of the campaign, if the candidate wins the campaigners suddenly find themselves unemployed and jockeying for a full-time job. That gets very ugly too.
You'd assume a lot of this kind of stuff would abate if the candidate is fortunate enough to take office, but only sort of and only for a little while. Modern politics is very intertwined with every day crisis management. Depending on the political term, the fundraising and glad-handing cycle may start again within months of the prior election.
This kind of lifestyle works best for very high-achieving high school valedictorian or class president types who have been tracking since high school or early into college. The kind that if they hadn't gone into politics would take a high-pressure 80-hour-week job on the executive track and consider that normal, even if it means they never see their spouse or children.
For those of us who don't want to be in a relationship alone, for those of us who prefer access to our partners rather than the odd glitzy night out among the rich and powerful, my advice is to stay far away. What you gain in prestige, you lose in human connection.
posted by Puppetry for Privacy at 4:48 PM on December 12, 2021
Personally I would be very distressed by this because I don't want to be in the public eye, at all, not even to the degree of putting my real name on Facebook. The idea that strangers are judging me by looking me and family members up and reading about political activity and watching ads just gives me hives. YMMV. and that's not even starting to get into all of the workaholic issues.
posted by zdravo at 10:39 PM on December 12, 2021
posted by zdravo at 10:39 PM on December 12, 2021
I don't find it strange to be turned off at the idea of a distant possibility of any sort, including someone being interested in becoming a politician. The suggestion I would give, though, is to cross that bridge if or when you get to it. It hasn't happened yet, right? You're living in your anxiety of a possible future. Who knows what possible influence your presence (and your feelings) will have on this person's dreams and ambitions? Be here now.
posted by late afternoon dreaming hotel at 2:46 AM on December 13, 2021
posted by late afternoon dreaming hotel at 2:46 AM on December 13, 2021
A lot of comments cover the "being the partner of an ambitious person in the public eye" aspect, and I'm here to tell you my experience of the opposite: one of my good friends and former colleagues, a technical writer by profession, wants to run for office and be a politician, and I have the same gut-level heebie jeebies as you do even though her politics align closely with mine. And the reason is: last year she wanted to write and animate a TV show (she has no background in TV); year before last she wanted to go back to school to become an Alzheimer's researcher; the year before that she got deeply into homesteading; a few months before she was a homesteader she was trying to start a community garden; and so on.
I really like my friend both because of and in spite of her intense, short lived passions. But this politician thing is bringing out a purely negative reaction in me, and I think it's because it feels to me like she's disrespecting a serious, consequential job by adding it to her list of temporary obsessions. The stakes didn't seem to high for any of the rest. But this time she might really hurt real people if she lacks follow through (and I'm 99% sure she will lack follow through in this as in everything else).
Might that be part of what's happening with you? Is there a sense that this guy isn't actually serious about it, that he might be approaching it with a certain level of frivolousness, and that's what's giving you icky gut feelings? And if so, can you ask him directly about it so that you can address what's happening with you? It can be helpful to be quite blunt and honest once you figure out a way to articulate the issue you're having.
posted by MiraK at 6:35 AM on December 13, 2021
I really like my friend both because of and in spite of her intense, short lived passions. But this politician thing is bringing out a purely negative reaction in me, and I think it's because it feels to me like she's disrespecting a serious, consequential job by adding it to her list of temporary obsessions. The stakes didn't seem to high for any of the rest. But this time she might really hurt real people if she lacks follow through (and I'm 99% sure she will lack follow through in this as in everything else).
Might that be part of what's happening with you? Is there a sense that this guy isn't actually serious about it, that he might be approaching it with a certain level of frivolousness, and that's what's giving you icky gut feelings? And if so, can you ask him directly about it so that you can address what's happening with you? It can be helpful to be quite blunt and honest once you figure out a way to articulate the issue you're having.
posted by MiraK at 6:35 AM on December 13, 2021
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posted by ArbitraryAndCapricious at 2:16 AM on December 12, 2021