How to go from unhappily alone to preferring it?
December 6, 2021 7:57 AM
I'm a middle-aged guy living in Scotland who suffers long-term with low mood, part of which I feel is due to being long-term single (since 2013). Reading articles it seems there are lots of men also not doing great, for example men whose wives were stuck with the emotional labour of arranging socialising, and now they are divorced and not coping well. Yet there's a subset of single people who are thriving. Are there particular things I need to build into my lifestyle to feel better or is it more a change of mindset that's required.
I have to be honest I probably spend more time than is good for me in an online community for people in similar situations to myself who are mostly unhappy with their lives (not an incel one I hasten to add!). At times it's good to vent but after you have that temporary catharsis, where do you go next? I read an article today about a very different group of single people who seem to be thriving on it :-
psychologytoday.com/us/blog/living-single/202109/why-certain-people-just-love-being-single
There are definitely some advantages in being single so maybe my issue is that I don't always appreciate/ utilise them enough? For example, I'm not a tidy person so if I had a neat freak stranger as a flatmate there would always be tension, living alone it's not an issue. I spend so much time by myself I guess the main thing I feel lacking is a void of companionship or in-person friendship. I have a low libido so that aspect of being single isn't the issue. Basically I am just wondering if anyone here has moved from the first category to the second, from unhappily single to happily single. I am thinking maybe of people who lived alone for the first time after the end of a relationship and were very lonely at first but now are either happy or at least content.
I have to be honest I probably spend more time than is good for me in an online community for people in similar situations to myself who are mostly unhappy with their lives (not an incel one I hasten to add!). At times it's good to vent but after you have that temporary catharsis, where do you go next? I read an article today about a very different group of single people who seem to be thriving on it :-
psychologytoday.com/us/blog/living-single/202109/why-certain-people-just-love-being-single
There are definitely some advantages in being single so maybe my issue is that I don't always appreciate/ utilise them enough? For example, I'm not a tidy person so if I had a neat freak stranger as a flatmate there would always be tension, living alone it's not an issue. I spend so much time by myself I guess the main thing I feel lacking is a void of companionship or in-person friendship. I have a low libido so that aspect of being single isn't the issue. Basically I am just wondering if anyone here has moved from the first category to the second, from unhappily single to happily single. I am thinking maybe of people who lived alone for the first time after the end of a relationship and were very lonely at first but now are either happy or at least content.
I was married for a long time and then divorced and lived alone for 7 years. I'm living with a partner now, but becoming happy as a single person was an important part of my journey. Here's a few things that I think are important.
- Lots of milestone things are (wrongly) tied to being in a long term relationship - owning your home, decorating like an adult, developing an independent sense of style and maintaining your environment with some personality. A lot of this, particularly for men, is left to a partner to define (where you live and what your living space looks like in my experience is disproportionately dominated by AFAB partners). Buy the damn house, if you can. Decorate and establish a personality of your own. Be yourself, not an advertising version of yourself intended to catch a mate. Buy the weird art and put it on the wall.
- Invest in your friends. This is what AFAB people do, what we are socialized to do really from birth: Invest in relationships. This is why women do better than men after divorce or after a partner dies. It seems dumb but write the Christmas cards, attend the parties, send text messages. Initiate friendship things. Make it a priority. Establishing a support network of real actual humans is huge.
- Invest in yourself. Take up the hobbies you haven't done (for whatever dumb reason). See above about choosing where you live to make yourself happy, keep your environment clean and neat so that the friends you've invested in above can come over to play games or watch TV. Make your own well being your number one priority in every way possible.
- Honestly, get a pet. I prefer cats for a lot of reasons, but if you love dogs, get a dog. Your pet is going to require you to do some basic stuff to care for it, and that should help get you out of your own head.
- Finally and possibly controversially - ditch the "singles bitching" group. It's a timesink, it really doesn't serve to make you feel better (about yourself or anything else). Let those people go their own way, and concentrate on how you can become happy from the inside out.
posted by Medieval Maven at 8:24 AM on December 6, 2021
- Lots of milestone things are (wrongly) tied to being in a long term relationship - owning your home, decorating like an adult, developing an independent sense of style and maintaining your environment with some personality. A lot of this, particularly for men, is left to a partner to define (where you live and what your living space looks like in my experience is disproportionately dominated by AFAB partners). Buy the damn house, if you can. Decorate and establish a personality of your own. Be yourself, not an advertising version of yourself intended to catch a mate. Buy the weird art and put it on the wall.
- Invest in your friends. This is what AFAB people do, what we are socialized to do really from birth: Invest in relationships. This is why women do better than men after divorce or after a partner dies. It seems dumb but write the Christmas cards, attend the parties, send text messages. Initiate friendship things. Make it a priority. Establishing a support network of real actual humans is huge.
- Invest in yourself. Take up the hobbies you haven't done (for whatever dumb reason). See above about choosing where you live to make yourself happy, keep your environment clean and neat so that the friends you've invested in above can come over to play games or watch TV. Make your own well being your number one priority in every way possible.
- Honestly, get a pet. I prefer cats for a lot of reasons, but if you love dogs, get a dog. Your pet is going to require you to do some basic stuff to care for it, and that should help get you out of your own head.
- Finally and possibly controversially - ditch the "singles bitching" group. It's a timesink, it really doesn't serve to make you feel better (about yourself or anything else). Let those people go their own way, and concentrate on how you can become happy from the inside out.
posted by Medieval Maven at 8:24 AM on December 6, 2021
I'm happily single (since 2016, so not as long as you, but getting up there).
Things that make this be the case:
- I live with people. Having housemates has its ups and downs, but I find it nice to have a built-in sense of some sort of community and the opportunity to at least lightly converse with another human being or two in the course of the day, eat the odd meal together, have the odd film night etc. I constantly wonder whether I would be even happier living alone, because it can be a bit annoying living cheek by jowl with other people, but I think on balance it is mentally and emotionally healthier for me to be around people and to do the work of being part of a small community even when it's not all sunshine and roses. Taking the rough with the smooth of other people is part of what makes me happy being single: I don't expect everyone to be great, I don't even expect my friends to always be there for me, I take it as part of the package of platonic friendship that it is sometimes a bit crappy. I know some people are out there pining for idealised types of relationships which can actually never exist; having housemates keeps me grounded in the reality of human beings: they can be bloody annoying and we love them anyway. I think as single people sometimes we idealise having a partner/spouse, but after a few years they will also be bloody annoying, so- it's good to muddle along together.
- Having active practices that give my life shape and structure on a daily basis. I meditate and I learn a second language and I have an art practice. These are important to me, make me feel connected with elements of the world and elements of myself, and they need to be done daily or at least regularly to be meaningful. Sometimes when I'm feeling lonely I realise I haven't been doing these sorts of things (as well as other things I enjoy), and I realise that what I perceive as pining for the company of another person is actually pining for intimacy with myself. If I browse the internet and watch TV all my free time I feel alienated from myself, and that is lonely. Find what you enjoy and value, and practice these things often to build your relationship with yourself.
- Having plenty of friendships of various degrees of intimacy is super important. Like, I have one friend in my city who I see once or twice a week for a walk or a coffee. Then I have some more local friends who I might see monthly. I have my parents who I talk to on the phone once or twice a week and visit around once a month. I have my best and oldest friend, and my sister, both of whom I text with daily and go to visit every few months. Are there any friendships in your life that you've let slip? Could you find new friends? Being connected with people who know and love one is so vital for happiness.
- Definitely stop going to places where people are projecting misery at their singleness. Misery loves company! This relates to building a relationship with yourself. Is this kind and helpful to your relationship with yourself, or making you feel estranged and unhappy? Finding happy single people is a little harder, but we are out there. For example I love this YouTuber for his beautiful, loving, rueful approach to his own simple, single life.
- I'm also in the UK and recently moved to a reasonably sized city where there's plenty of things to do. I found being single a lot harder living in a rural area where options were very limited and everyone knew my business. On the other hand, living in a small tight-knit community might be what makes some people happy. But I do find there to be something a bit soul crushing about a lot of small UK towns... So maybe take a look at where you live and see if it is serving your needs.
- Not being afraid to do things alone even though it makes you feel like an odd-one-out. I actively enjoy going for walks, to restaurants etc alone, even when 90% of other people seem to be in groups or couples. Again, because I am in a good relationship with myself, I'm not worrying what people are thinking of me or feeling weird to be alone. I'm just enjoying the meal or the scenery and my own private thoughts :)
In general I find making comparisons and weighing up pros and cons isn't really that useful. There's always going to be things that are nice about being in a relationship that aren't the case with being single and vice vera. In general for health, happiness and wisdom, looking at where you are and what you have and working with that is the way to go. I really recommend Buddhism for everyone as it is a path that teaches you how to do this in a way that is genuinely accepting and loving. Doing that "weighing up the pros" is still a mindset of lack/gain which is ultimately where unhappiness stems from.
posted by Balthamos at 8:29 AM on December 6, 2021
Things that make this be the case:
- I live with people. Having housemates has its ups and downs, but I find it nice to have a built-in sense of some sort of community and the opportunity to at least lightly converse with another human being or two in the course of the day, eat the odd meal together, have the odd film night etc. I constantly wonder whether I would be even happier living alone, because it can be a bit annoying living cheek by jowl with other people, but I think on balance it is mentally and emotionally healthier for me to be around people and to do the work of being part of a small community even when it's not all sunshine and roses. Taking the rough with the smooth of other people is part of what makes me happy being single: I don't expect everyone to be great, I don't even expect my friends to always be there for me, I take it as part of the package of platonic friendship that it is sometimes a bit crappy. I know some people are out there pining for idealised types of relationships which can actually never exist; having housemates keeps me grounded in the reality of human beings: they can be bloody annoying and we love them anyway. I think as single people sometimes we idealise having a partner/spouse, but after a few years they will also be bloody annoying, so- it's good to muddle along together.
- Having active practices that give my life shape and structure on a daily basis. I meditate and I learn a second language and I have an art practice. These are important to me, make me feel connected with elements of the world and elements of myself, and they need to be done daily or at least regularly to be meaningful. Sometimes when I'm feeling lonely I realise I haven't been doing these sorts of things (as well as other things I enjoy), and I realise that what I perceive as pining for the company of another person is actually pining for intimacy with myself. If I browse the internet and watch TV all my free time I feel alienated from myself, and that is lonely. Find what you enjoy and value, and practice these things often to build your relationship with yourself.
- Having plenty of friendships of various degrees of intimacy is super important. Like, I have one friend in my city who I see once or twice a week for a walk or a coffee. Then I have some more local friends who I might see monthly. I have my parents who I talk to on the phone once or twice a week and visit around once a month. I have my best and oldest friend, and my sister, both of whom I text with daily and go to visit every few months. Are there any friendships in your life that you've let slip? Could you find new friends? Being connected with people who know and love one is so vital for happiness.
- Definitely stop going to places where people are projecting misery at their singleness. Misery loves company! This relates to building a relationship with yourself. Is this kind and helpful to your relationship with yourself, or making you feel estranged and unhappy? Finding happy single people is a little harder, but we are out there. For example I love this YouTuber for his beautiful, loving, rueful approach to his own simple, single life.
- I'm also in the UK and recently moved to a reasonably sized city where there's plenty of things to do. I found being single a lot harder living in a rural area where options were very limited and everyone knew my business. On the other hand, living in a small tight-knit community might be what makes some people happy. But I do find there to be something a bit soul crushing about a lot of small UK towns... So maybe take a look at where you live and see if it is serving your needs.
- Not being afraid to do things alone even though it makes you feel like an odd-one-out. I actively enjoy going for walks, to restaurants etc alone, even when 90% of other people seem to be in groups or couples. Again, because I am in a good relationship with myself, I'm not worrying what people are thinking of me or feeling weird to be alone. I'm just enjoying the meal or the scenery and my own private thoughts :)
In general I find making comparisons and weighing up pros and cons isn't really that useful. There's always going to be things that are nice about being in a relationship that aren't the case with being single and vice vera. In general for health, happiness and wisdom, looking at where you are and what you have and working with that is the way to go. I really recommend Buddhism for everyone as it is a path that teaches you how to do this in a way that is genuinely accepting and loving. Doing that "weighing up the pros" is still a mindset of lack/gain which is ultimately where unhappiness stems from.
posted by Balthamos at 8:29 AM on December 6, 2021
- Invest in your friends. This is what AFAB people do, what we are socialized to do really from birth: Invest in relationships. This is why women do better than men after divorce or after a partner dies. It seems dumb but write the Christmas cards, attend the parties, send text messages. Initiate friendship things. Make it a priority. Establishing a support network of real actual humans is huge.
Definitely this. I know I get a lot of the support other people get from their significant other, from my friends. It's spread about - there's not just one person who does it all, but there's someone I'd call in the case of absolute disaster, someone else who shares chats about health stuff, someone else who's always up for drink at short notice. It took time to build them up, but most of them I found through taking up hobbies, sticking with them for a number of years, and keeping hold of the friends even when the hobbies dropped away.
I know from your previous posts that that might seem a big ask for you, but starting to chip away at it might help - if nothing else, doing something different, even on a small scale, can give you a slight sense of optimism that things might be changing, gradually, for the better. Something structured like a class, or volunteering, can be a good way to do it because you're less likely to find yourself thrown in to a "Right, now just make conversation from scratch for two hours" kind of situation - there's some common ground to start with because you can talk about the task in hand.
Then, when I'm home alone, I do spend some time chatting online, but most of it with people that I actually know IRL, not just faceless usernames, and somehow that's richer (no offence, faceless usernames of MeFi!) - every online interaction is building up the strength of an IRL friendship.
Definitely ditch the online unhappily single group, that doesn't sound like a way to feel better about your lot, and reinforces your own self-identity as someone who is Unhappily Single.
I don't know which part of Scotland you're in, but someone on the Edinburgh subreddit noticed a while ago that a lot of people post-covid were a bit lonely and looking to meet people platonically, and set up an Edinburgh social Discord. I don't use Discord, so haven't been on it and can't vouch for it, but might be worth a look.
On preview: What everyone else has said! Good point by Balthamos about city life making this much easier. There's lots to do, the sheer weight of numbers means there are other single people about.
posted by penguin pie at 9:14 AM on December 6, 2021
Definitely this. I know I get a lot of the support other people get from their significant other, from my friends. It's spread about - there's not just one person who does it all, but there's someone I'd call in the case of absolute disaster, someone else who shares chats about health stuff, someone else who's always up for drink at short notice. It took time to build them up, but most of them I found through taking up hobbies, sticking with them for a number of years, and keeping hold of the friends even when the hobbies dropped away.
I know from your previous posts that that might seem a big ask for you, but starting to chip away at it might help - if nothing else, doing something different, even on a small scale, can give you a slight sense of optimism that things might be changing, gradually, for the better. Something structured like a class, or volunteering, can be a good way to do it because you're less likely to find yourself thrown in to a "Right, now just make conversation from scratch for two hours" kind of situation - there's some common ground to start with because you can talk about the task in hand.
Then, when I'm home alone, I do spend some time chatting online, but most of it with people that I actually know IRL, not just faceless usernames, and somehow that's richer (no offence, faceless usernames of MeFi!) - every online interaction is building up the strength of an IRL friendship.
Definitely ditch the online unhappily single group, that doesn't sound like a way to feel better about your lot, and reinforces your own self-identity as someone who is Unhappily Single.
I don't know which part of Scotland you're in, but someone on the Edinburgh subreddit noticed a while ago that a lot of people post-covid were a bit lonely and looking to meet people platonically, and set up an Edinburgh social Discord. I don't use Discord, so haven't been on it and can't vouch for it, but might be worth a look.
On preview: What everyone else has said! Good point by Balthamos about city life making this much easier. There's lots to do, the sheer weight of numbers means there are other single people about.
posted by penguin pie at 9:14 AM on December 6, 2021
This is exactly what Men's Sheds are for. If you are at all handy, or would like to be... or if you can just use some company, give it a go.
posted by Too-Ticky at 9:45 AM on December 6, 2021
posted by Too-Ticky at 9:45 AM on December 6, 2021
I know happy single people and miserable ones. What the happy ones tend to have in common: pets, close friends, physically active lifestyles, hobbies that necessitate leaving the house.
It sounds like you don’t have a lot going on in terms of platonic friendships, so I’d really look at joining some kind of club or class or meet up depending on what your interests are.
I was single and living alone for about 7 years. I got a lot happier when I learned to enjoy cooking for myself instead of just eating a Lean Cuisine in front of the TV every night. I don’t know your lifestyle but I know a lot of single folks don’t cook for themselves because it’s “not worth it” — it is worth it, because you still deserve a good meal, and you can cook whatever YOU want.
posted by vanitas at 10:03 AM on December 6, 2021
It sounds like you don’t have a lot going on in terms of platonic friendships, so I’d really look at joining some kind of club or class or meet up depending on what your interests are.
I was single and living alone for about 7 years. I got a lot happier when I learned to enjoy cooking for myself instead of just eating a Lean Cuisine in front of the TV every night. I don’t know your lifestyle but I know a lot of single folks don’t cook for themselves because it’s “not worth it” — it is worth it, because you still deserve a good meal, and you can cook whatever YOU want.
posted by vanitas at 10:03 AM on December 6, 2021
All great answers and any one could be a "best answer", but I found it especially helpful being shared the link to the Japanese YouTuber who seemed generally happy and content with his modest single life. One of my favourite UK Olympians is Holly Bradshaw who in one interview said something like "I'm a simple boring person. All I needed to pack for Tokyo to make me happy [other than her athletics stuff] was my favourite coffee and my favourite pillow." I could do with being more like that. I seem to process visual things best so if anyone knows more YouTube channels of happy single people I'm all ears.
posted by AuroraSky at 10:04 AM on December 6, 2021
posted by AuroraSky at 10:04 AM on December 6, 2021
Nothing to do with relationships, but your follow up led me to think of Adventures of an Old Seadog, a sixty-something English guy who decided to take up sailing and sail around the world alone. With little experience and minimal funding he's had a fairly amazing last few years and is currently in New Zealand. We rarely hear of his thoughts on being single, mainly because he seems to be far too busy for it even to come up. Many many hours of interesting videos to watch
posted by tillsbury at 10:26 AM on December 6, 2021
posted by tillsbury at 10:26 AM on December 6, 2021
I don't really know. It's a gnarly problem. We might be able to get by being single, but we have to have friends at least. I moved recently and it's a serious problem. We are surrounded by people and many of them are also lonely, and yet no progress occurs. I think it may be helpful to consider why certain people are not people I am inclined to be friends with, and make sure I avoid being like that, at least. The first step to being friends is to be a fun friend, that's a plus in life and not a drag.
posted by Nish ton at 10:46 AM on December 6, 2021
posted by Nish ton at 10:46 AM on December 6, 2021
In addition to leaving the miserable-singles internet forum, I also want to encourage you to take a look at your social media and news feeds and see if you somehow have an abundance of happy-couple content. This could be old friends or strangers or whatever. It might be worth unfollowing/muting/not seeing as much of that content. Here's the thing: while it's true that lots of single people are struggling, there are also lots of coupled people who are struggling... but you might not see it in their social media feeds. I'm single right now, but was married for many years. You wouldn't have known that from my social media feed, because it's not like I was going to broadcast misery. I didn't try to cultivate any falsehoods, but I did show photos of my family (including my ex-husband and me) smiling. That doesn't mean I was happy, though. It seems obvious to say this, of course, it can be easy to get caught up in feeling back for not having something based on seeing other people with those things. So be kind to yourself and limit your exposure to any content that brings you down.
In terms of overall happiness, you might appreciate this piece from an academic about recent happiness studies. A few key take-aways:
There two things that are really interesting about this research. The first is the biggest effect of happiness and marriage takes place when people are middle-aged—which, it turns out, is the least happy stage of our lives. That gap in happiness between the married and unmarried is narrower when people are younger and starts to disappear after the age of 60. ...
The second really interesting finding here is that the biggest boost to marriage is among people who consider their partner their best friend—which, in this data at least, is only true in about 50% of the married people surveyed. It seems that the most important factor here is not so much marriage per se, as it is about having a friend who is there by your side when life becomes challenging.
So I want to echo the advice about cultivating friendships, both loose and strong connections. Something I'm thinking about a lot lately are what my goals are, and what I want to achieve, and how I get to those things on my own. A friend of mine decided to stop waiting for a relationship to pursue a dream and is now actively engaged in working towards it. You can do that with friends as easily as a partner.
posted by bluedaisy at 12:02 PM on December 6, 2021
In terms of overall happiness, you might appreciate this piece from an academic about recent happiness studies. A few key take-aways:
There two things that are really interesting about this research. The first is the biggest effect of happiness and marriage takes place when people are middle-aged—which, it turns out, is the least happy stage of our lives. That gap in happiness between the married and unmarried is narrower when people are younger and starts to disappear after the age of 60. ...
The second really interesting finding here is that the biggest boost to marriage is among people who consider their partner their best friend—which, in this data at least, is only true in about 50% of the married people surveyed. It seems that the most important factor here is not so much marriage per se, as it is about having a friend who is there by your side when life becomes challenging.
So I want to echo the advice about cultivating friendships, both loose and strong connections. Something I'm thinking about a lot lately are what my goals are, and what I want to achieve, and how I get to those things on my own. A friend of mine decided to stop waiting for a relationship to pursue a dream and is now actively engaged in working towards it. You can do that with friends as easily as a partner.
posted by bluedaisy at 12:02 PM on December 6, 2021
Beside what other's have mentioned I really enjoy volunteering and traveling while single. I've found volunteering to usually be a nice way to find some community and always a rewarding experience. For traveling I mean visiting friends in other places. Taking advantage of the freedom, flexibility and time I have to see friends in other cities. Generally taking the initiative on reaching out to friends and acquaintances since I have a bit more time than those who are in relationships / have kids.
Also an answer that I think I read on Metafilter that I've loved is to be "the errand guy". Be the first to volunteer to help tag along with friends while they do an errand. Provide minor help while they do so and otherwise just provide company. Especially for my busier friends I've found this a very nice and surprisingly enjoyable way to spend time while helping them.
posted by aaabbbccc at 3:55 PM on December 6, 2021
Also an answer that I think I read on Metafilter that I've loved is to be "the errand guy". Be the first to volunteer to help tag along with friends while they do an errand. Provide minor help while they do so and otherwise just provide company. Especially for my busier friends I've found this a very nice and surprisingly enjoyable way to spend time while helping them.
posted by aaabbbccc at 3:55 PM on December 6, 2021
To call out a specific volunteering opportunity Crisis Text Line provides a critical service. It's an intense experience but one of the surprising things I learned is how little attention I paid to self-care. One of the activities they have you do in training is create a self-care plan and really identify what makes you feel better and how you can recover or process intense negative emotions. I was surprised how little attention I'd consciously paid to this before and how difficult it was to answer some of the questions. Especially single this is doubly important. So I definitely recommend spending time exploring and making a detail self-care checklist (when you're low what songs, activities, friends etc make you feel better or ride the negative wave more comfortably).
posted by aaabbbccc at 4:04 PM on December 6, 2021
posted by aaabbbccc at 4:04 PM on December 6, 2021
This is a small thing and it certainly isn't a full solution (and I don't think anyone above mentioned it), but I find as someone who lives alone that it helps a lot to be friendly with the neighbours. (I suggest this knowing it may not be possible or practical for you - it depends on the physical environment where you are living and the people around you.)
I genuinely like speaking to the neighbours. With some of them, it is nothing much beyond hello, good morning. With others there's some small talk and with some others we get along very nicely and speak for a few minutes at a time. (I steer away from building gossip.) I wouldn't call them friends necessarily, but having people in your area that know you and seem pleased to see you makes you feel less on your own.
posted by philfromhavelock at 5:58 PM on December 6, 2021
I genuinely like speaking to the neighbours. With some of them, it is nothing much beyond hello, good morning. With others there's some small talk and with some others we get along very nicely and speak for a few minutes at a time. (I steer away from building gossip.) I wouldn't call them friends necessarily, but having people in your area that know you and seem pleased to see you makes you feel less on your own.
posted by philfromhavelock at 5:58 PM on December 6, 2021
I don’t know if this would work for everybody, but one thing that makes it easier for me is reading lots of stories about unhappy relationships, and thinking, well, at least I don’t have to deal with that.
posted by The Underpants Monster at 7:31 PM on December 6, 2021
posted by The Underpants Monster at 7:31 PM on December 6, 2021
Ha The Underpants Monster! I was just coming to say that for sheer "thank god I live alone"ness, nothing beats reddit's r/AmITheAsshole, though r/relationships would probably work too.
I've been happily married, happily partnered, and am still very fond of my little black book, but I love living alone. My flat is exactly 100% to my liking, I have amazing friends, fulfilling work, and a great cat. At this point, anything besides a casual lover might require putting up with bullshit (or even a lot of compromise) and that's a hard pass.
You're getting great advice here. Ditch the sadsack single online group, make a comfortable home for yourself, enjoy life. If something comes along, great. But every day of life is a gift. Savor it like a warm scone.
posted by cyndigo at 9:26 PM on December 6, 2021
I've been happily married, happily partnered, and am still very fond of my little black book, but I love living alone. My flat is exactly 100% to my liking, I have amazing friends, fulfilling work, and a great cat. At this point, anything besides a casual lover might require putting up with bullshit (or even a lot of compromise) and that's a hard pass.
You're getting great advice here. Ditch the sadsack single online group, make a comfortable home for yourself, enjoy life. If something comes along, great. But every day of life is a gift. Savor it like a warm scone.
posted by cyndigo at 9:26 PM on December 6, 2021
Balthamos has it, really. I'm now married but I was single and quite happily so for a very long time. When I look back at what made that work for me (I never thought about it at all at the time), what stands out relative to other people is this:
I had an incredibly active and structured social life organised around regular activities.
Fencing two to three times a week, drinks maybe dinner with the club every month. Climbing at least once a week, often more and club meets for that as well on a regular basis. A French class every week and often meeting up with people from that class socially. My pistol shooting club, once a week and again with a club social calendar. Friends and housemates organising house parties, lunches and after work drinks with my old crew from university. Work related socialising (not everyone will count this but I always have) ranging from drinks with proper friends of work origin to what are in effect networking coffees. On top of that I'd do evening classes for fun.
I'm also very keen on music and theatre so probably went to a play a week plus often caught the LSO at their rehearsal space which I could walk to from work and which cost a pretty notional amount.
Or yeah, I never did this myself, but absolutely volunteering would be great.
Sometimes it was almost too much and certainly I cumulatively drank very much more than was really wise. I will say frankly that while my socialising with other non British people worked fine with just the occasional wine or coffee, I think that I would have had a much less packed social calendar / less elevated LFTs if I did not love a pub something fierce. I was much younger when I last lived in Scotland but I imagine that it might be even more alcohol centred than booze soaked London.
I recently met up with an old friend and realised that he just went home and watched TV, sometimes he might read a book. That was the only thing that happened by default in his life apart from work and the occasional birthday party invite came into his parched calendar like a blessed oasis in an endless arid plain. I can imagine that if he was also single and doing this how cheerless and dispiriting that might be because he would never see anyone that he didn't work with.
At the time I was doing all this, I lived pretty centrally in London so your location relative to major cities will play a part. I've only ever lived in Aberdeen in Scotland but suspect that if I had lived in a much smaller town (and after Aberdeen, Scots cities fall off in size pretty sharpish) my social life might have looked very different.
posted by atrazine at 9:55 AM on December 7, 2021
I had an incredibly active and structured social life organised around regular activities.
Fencing two to three times a week, drinks maybe dinner with the club every month. Climbing at least once a week, often more and club meets for that as well on a regular basis. A French class every week and often meeting up with people from that class socially. My pistol shooting club, once a week and again with a club social calendar. Friends and housemates organising house parties, lunches and after work drinks with my old crew from university. Work related socialising (not everyone will count this but I always have) ranging from drinks with proper friends of work origin to what are in effect networking coffees. On top of that I'd do evening classes for fun.
I'm also very keen on music and theatre so probably went to a play a week plus often caught the LSO at their rehearsal space which I could walk to from work and which cost a pretty notional amount.
Or yeah, I never did this myself, but absolutely volunteering would be great.
Sometimes it was almost too much and certainly I cumulatively drank very much more than was really wise. I will say frankly that while my socialising with other non British people worked fine with just the occasional wine or coffee, I think that I would have had a much less packed social calendar / less elevated LFTs if I did not love a pub something fierce. I was much younger when I last lived in Scotland but I imagine that it might be even more alcohol centred than booze soaked London.
I recently met up with an old friend and realised that he just went home and watched TV, sometimes he might read a book. That was the only thing that happened by default in his life apart from work and the occasional birthday party invite came into his parched calendar like a blessed oasis in an endless arid plain. I can imagine that if he was also single and doing this how cheerless and dispiriting that might be because he would never see anyone that he didn't work with.
At the time I was doing all this, I lived pretty centrally in London so your location relative to major cities will play a part. I've only ever lived in Aberdeen in Scotland but suspect that if I had lived in a much smaller town (and after Aberdeen, Scots cities fall off in size pretty sharpish) my social life might have looked very different.
posted by atrazine at 9:55 AM on December 7, 2021
« Older Good Bank Account for SSI Recipient with... | A chemical or brush that can really clean the... Newer »
This thread is closed to new comments.
I think part of the shift was that before, I was in a pretty unstable financial situation, and I also had some emotional stuff I needed to work through. I also had a really high libido in my 20s and 30s.
Then my 40s were completely and ridiculously chaotic - I began things with a partner, but then he broke up with me and a few months later the recession hit. I then spent my entire 40s in survival mode, boomeranging from job to job as the economy sputtered back to life; and I also spent my entire 40s going through menopause. I was too busy and stressed and distracted to even give a thought to singlehood (save to occasionally gnash my teeth that I was all on my own economically).
Then right before I turned 50, I got an amazing job that completely settled the financial side of things, and removed that source of stress; I'd also had ten years of self-reflection and growth and the emotional stuff had largely been processed, either by my own hand or just time. And - one of the things menopause did to me is completely kill off that libido. And....with that, being single didn't bother me any more, to the point that I've wondered if "huh, I bet that the 'loneliness' I was feeling then actually was either just horniness or fear".
My point being: there might be a little homework and self-reflection you may need to do to figure out exactly where this dissatisfaction is coming from. Have you always had people nagging you about being single or making you feel lesser-than as a result? You say that you don't have many other friends, has that always been the case or is it more recent? There may be one or two other things fueling the unhappiness which if you take care of them instead, that may take care of the singlehood.
Also, I can offer a couple other more fun and fluffier suggestions: you may be on to something with that online community, that may be encouraging you to wallow. You also say that you don't have much in the way of in-person friendships; maybe adding some other kind of local activity group would help with both (it'd distract you from spending too much time with the online community, and it would also introduce you to new people). I have a book club and a monthly photo group I joined and that's been a big help; my roommate joined a weekly bowling league and a writers' group, and that's helped him with the same thing (and since he's a young thing, it's also lead to a couple of potential romantic options as well). It won't be a magic wand of immediate "and now I'm happy being single!" but it will at least alleviate some of the alone-ness which over time will help.
And this one is a bit silly - I first heard this song from the movie musical Gigi when I was about 50, and I realized it summed up the way I felt about the dating scene these days: "I'm Glad I'm Not Young Any More". It's a celebration of being too old to care about the whole crazy romantic-comedy bullshit that dating brings, and when I first heard it my immediate thought was "YES I COMPLETELY AGREE!" It's at least fun to whistle to yourself on occasion.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 8:21 AM on December 6, 2021