Any advice for spreading ashes?
November 12, 2021 2:01 PM Subscribe
On Monday we will be holding a memorial service for my father and spreading his ashes. I’ve been to very few funerals and have never been to any kind of ash spreading ceremony. We have a permit and also some cups for scooping if people don’t want to use their hands. I’m looking for any advice on making the ash part of it less squicky and just any advice about ash spreading in general, as well as the logistics of running our own ceremony instead of having a funeral director run the event.
The event will be quite small, just 8 or so close family. Thanks.
The event will be quite small, just 8 or so close family. Thanks.
To be honest, any spreading of ashes has always been a “take grandpa out to that lake he liked to fish on, and spread him along the bank” kind of thing. No formal ceremony.
And, yeah, there’s a ton of the stuff. Some dust. Some ash. Some...well...solid bits.
posted by Thorzdad at 2:29 PM on November 12, 2021 [5 favorites]
And, yeah, there’s a ton of the stuff. Some dust. Some ash. Some...well...solid bits.
posted by Thorzdad at 2:29 PM on November 12, 2021 [5 favorites]
I am sorry for your loss.
The best squick insurance I can offer is to know what to expect. Cremains are coarser and grittier than some people envision from a lifetime of hearing them called "ashes." If you're imagining fine, downy flakes of ash, the sight of the real thing may be a bit jarring. These are pulverized bones -- and as noted above, there may be some larger fragments amid the smaller grains.
When you have a cup of ashes to spread, don't be too ginger about scattering them. Check wind direction, and then give them a passionate fling downwind of you, rather than a limp sprinkle close by.
Don't touch your mouth right after scattering. I did this absentmindedly when I scattered my mom's ashes, and... Just trust me, you don't wanna.
No matter how well you prepare, something awkward is likely to happen. Accept this in advance and cherish it when it does. When we had my Nana's memorial, my aunt took the ashes out on the bay in her kayak. She reached into Nana's beloved personalized tote, lifted out the box, and then from the shore we all saw her startle badly, followed immediately by a splash. My aunt paddled back in: "Welp. Her ashes are all in the bay now." She'd fumbled the entire box, and down it had sunk in one piece. We knew Nana would have found this hilarious, so we did, too.
No matter what, it'll go fine. Be gentle with yourself.
posted by armeowda at 2:41 PM on November 12, 2021 [18 favorites]
The best squick insurance I can offer is to know what to expect. Cremains are coarser and grittier than some people envision from a lifetime of hearing them called "ashes." If you're imagining fine, downy flakes of ash, the sight of the real thing may be a bit jarring. These are pulverized bones -- and as noted above, there may be some larger fragments amid the smaller grains.
When you have a cup of ashes to spread, don't be too ginger about scattering them. Check wind direction, and then give them a passionate fling downwind of you, rather than a limp sprinkle close by.
Don't touch your mouth right after scattering. I did this absentmindedly when I scattered my mom's ashes, and... Just trust me, you don't wanna.
No matter how well you prepare, something awkward is likely to happen. Accept this in advance and cherish it when it does. When we had my Nana's memorial, my aunt took the ashes out on the bay in her kayak. She reached into Nana's beloved personalized tote, lifted out the box, and then from the shore we all saw her startle badly, followed immediately by a splash. My aunt paddled back in: "Welp. Her ashes are all in the bay now." She'd fumbled the entire box, and down it had sunk in one piece. We knew Nana would have found this hilarious, so we did, too.
No matter what, it'll go fine. Be gentle with yourself.
posted by armeowda at 2:41 PM on November 12, 2021 [18 favorites]
This is my family's way of celebrating our loved ones, and I think it is such a beautiful gesture, to take them and make them part of places they loved. I am sorry for your loss.
There will be bits of bone. Cups sound like a lovely idea for folks who aren't interested in touching the ash. I recommend making sure the cups are smaller than the container from which they will be scooping - i.e., a Solo cup for a bag into which a Solo cup cannot be dipped will create logistical difficulties that could be avoided by buying those little paper cups one uses at the dentists' (and which also can be recycled or composted, if that would feel good). A separate box or bag for the used cups would be handy.
Since you're anticipating some hesitation around touching the ash itself, a big bottle of water, a nice little bottle of Dr. Bronner's, and some nice towels or thick, soft paper napkins might be nice for a ritual handwash afterward - one person could pour for everyone else, and then have someone pour for them.
My family sometimes shares a memory as we each go around and scatter a bit - if there's not a general vibe for many rounds of scattering, then it might be good to have a plan in advance for who/where will scatter the ashes that remain after each family member has participated.
A side note, in case you'd be interested - there are art services that will incorporate ashes into beautiful glass beads - my aunt wears hers as a memorial to my uncle every day, and it brings her deep comfort.
posted by rrrrrrrrrt at 2:51 PM on November 12, 2021 [4 favorites]
There will be bits of bone. Cups sound like a lovely idea for folks who aren't interested in touching the ash. I recommend making sure the cups are smaller than the container from which they will be scooping - i.e., a Solo cup for a bag into which a Solo cup cannot be dipped will create logistical difficulties that could be avoided by buying those little paper cups one uses at the dentists' (and which also can be recycled or composted, if that would feel good). A separate box or bag for the used cups would be handy.
Since you're anticipating some hesitation around touching the ash itself, a big bottle of water, a nice little bottle of Dr. Bronner's, and some nice towels or thick, soft paper napkins might be nice for a ritual handwash afterward - one person could pour for everyone else, and then have someone pour for them.
My family sometimes shares a memory as we each go around and scatter a bit - if there's not a general vibe for many rounds of scattering, then it might be good to have a plan in advance for who/where will scatter the ashes that remain after each family member has participated.
A side note, in case you'd be interested - there are art services that will incorporate ashes into beautiful glass beads - my aunt wears hers as a memorial to my uncle every day, and it brings her deep comfort.
posted by rrrrrrrrrt at 2:51 PM on November 12, 2021 [4 favorites]
May your father's memory be for a blessing. When my dad died, my mom bought a lovely urn and put most of his ashes in that, for when she dies and has both their ashes spread together. Then she put the rest of his ashes into 4 tupperware containers for each of his four children.
Each of us did something different with "our" ashes. My brother in Hawaii took his ashes out on a surfboard and scattered them in the ocean. My one sister buried them with a tree she planted and now that is "Dad's Tree." I had my bowl of ashes buried at the National Cemetery to honor my dad's service in the Korean War, which I knew he had wanted. This way we were each able to honor my dad in our own way.
Us kids have discussed it and when mom dies we are going to bury our folks' ashes together, but we will each get our own tupperware bowl of ashes to spread as we wish.
posted by furtheryet at 3:11 PM on November 12, 2021 [5 favorites]
Each of us did something different with "our" ashes. My brother in Hawaii took his ashes out on a surfboard and scattered them in the ocean. My one sister buried them with a tree she planted and now that is "Dad's Tree." I had my bowl of ashes buried at the National Cemetery to honor my dad's service in the Korean War, which I knew he had wanted. This way we were each able to honor my dad in our own way.
Us kids have discussed it and when mom dies we are going to bury our folks' ashes together, but we will each get our own tupperware bowl of ashes to spread as we wish.
posted by furtheryet at 3:11 PM on November 12, 2021 [5 favorites]
Each of us did something different with "our" ashes.
This is what we did for my mother's ashes. My sister and I each took some, and we had containers available for those who wanted some to spread them at places that were meaningful to my mom or to them. I think the best advice is just that these kinds of ceremonies are for the living, and prep work you (or someone who feels up to it) can do beforehand can make something feel like a nicer ritual if you think people might want that.
So like putting the ashes into a nice box that you can scoop out of, that kind of thing. Maybe having nicer scoops than you are planning on, and a place to put the scoops when people are done with them. Bring a thing that plays music if you'd like to. If it's outside be mindful of the weather and, as people say,the wind direction. Bring a picture of your father and maybe have an idea beforehand how you'd like things to go. Really, there's no way to do it wrong, but grieving people are often not at their best (this is normal, and fine) so trying to make it nice and predictable for people is often a kindness. Think about what you'd like the beginning, middle (usually the ash spreading) and end to be like.
Also just to make sure you know this: the ashes may have a tag in them that indicate that they are the "right" ashes. You may want to make sure you know where that is. Mine for my father were on top of the bag his ashes were in. Not a thing you'd want to find by accident if you weren't expecting it. Agree with armeowda. It will go fine. Be kind to yourself. May your dad's memory be a blessing.
posted by jessamyn at 3:31 PM on November 12, 2021 [5 favorites]
This is what we did for my mother's ashes. My sister and I each took some, and we had containers available for those who wanted some to spread them at places that were meaningful to my mom or to them. I think the best advice is just that these kinds of ceremonies are for the living, and prep work you (or someone who feels up to it) can do beforehand can make something feel like a nicer ritual if you think people might want that.
So like putting the ashes into a nice box that you can scoop out of, that kind of thing. Maybe having nicer scoops than you are planning on, and a place to put the scoops when people are done with them. Bring a thing that plays music if you'd like to. If it's outside be mindful of the weather and, as people say,the wind direction. Bring a picture of your father and maybe have an idea beforehand how you'd like things to go. Really, there's no way to do it wrong, but grieving people are often not at their best (this is normal, and fine) so trying to make it nice and predictable for people is often a kindness. Think about what you'd like the beginning, middle (usually the ash spreading) and end to be like.
Also just to make sure you know this: the ashes may have a tag in them that indicate that they are the "right" ashes. You may want to make sure you know where that is. Mine for my father were on top of the bag his ashes were in. Not a thing you'd want to find by accident if you weren't expecting it. Agree with armeowda. It will go fine. Be kind to yourself. May your dad's memory be a blessing.
posted by jessamyn at 3:31 PM on November 12, 2021 [5 favorites]
Another recommendation to pay close attention to the wind direction. I used to know a guy who had a very difficult relationship with his mother, and when he went to scatter her ashes the wind blew them right into his eyes. At least he got a grim chuckle out of it. It was so very typical of her.
Chatfilter: I've been caring for elderly parents and they've been really frustrating me lately. It's exhausting work and I struggle with my temper. This thread brought back grim memories of dealing with funerals and ashes and all the rest of it, and reminded me how much I'll miss my parents when they're gone. I'm very sorry for your loss, sacrifix.
posted by Ursula Hitler at 3:38 PM on November 12, 2021 [1 favorite]
Chatfilter: I've been caring for elderly parents and they've been really frustrating me lately. It's exhausting work and I struggle with my temper. This thread brought back grim memories of dealing with funerals and ashes and all the rest of it, and reminded me how much I'll miss my parents when they're gone. I'm very sorry for your loss, sacrifix.
posted by Ursula Hitler at 3:38 PM on November 12, 2021 [1 favorite]
For the scattering of my uncle's ashes, what we did was go on a hike in a place he enjoyed being outdoors, and people were given a small, meaningfully decorated paper bag with a portion of ashes. People were free to decide what would be a meaningful spot for them to scatter them, and wander off the path to go have a bit of a moment alone if they needed.
The individual bags made them easy for people to carry and prevented them from having to touch them directly.
Along with a couple of other people, I was asked to handle the portioning out the night before, and what everyone is saying above about how fine and powdery (and therefore tricky in the wind) they are is exactly right, as is armeowda's description of some bits that people might not expect. So, the other thing we did was add some rosemary and lavender leaves into each bag (they were two of his favourite scents), so people couldn't really make out any of those larger bits in case was going to squick them out when they opened the bag.
It ended up being a very simple but meaningful way of doing it.
I'm sorry for your loss.
posted by mandolin conspiracy at 4:13 PM on November 12, 2021 [16 favorites]
The individual bags made them easy for people to carry and prevented them from having to touch them directly.
Along with a couple of other people, I was asked to handle the portioning out the night before, and what everyone is saying above about how fine and powdery (and therefore tricky in the wind) they are is exactly right, as is armeowda's description of some bits that people might not expect. So, the other thing we did was add some rosemary and lavender leaves into each bag (they were two of his favourite scents), so people couldn't really make out any of those larger bits in case was going to squick them out when they opened the bag.
It ended up being a very simple but meaningful way of doing it.
I'm sorry for your loss.
posted by mandolin conspiracy at 4:13 PM on November 12, 2021 [16 favorites]
Be aware most of the ashes are extremely fine and light. If there is swirling unpredictable wind you will end up wearing them. If there is any wind at all the ashes will carry much further than you expect so try to minimize the drop distance. Specifically don't try and scatter them by throwing them up or around. Instead get closer to where you want to drop and just do a short drop. Consider doing a little digging, depending on where you are, to keep the ashes from just blowing away.
posted by srboisvert at 5:06 PM on November 12, 2021
posted by srboisvert at 5:06 PM on November 12, 2021
As jessamyn stated, the ashes will include a metal tag with numbers on it (sort of like a dog tag) that is attached to the plastic bag of ashes bag by a twist tie, or is buried inside the bag with the ashes. That number corresponds to a database so if the container of ashes is lost/misplaced, they can be identified. So you'll have this tag left over. I just disposed of it in the trash.
Sorry for your loss. I thought I'd be chill about ashes--the grit factor, etc.--but it was still super unsettling and squicky. I guess we can only get so far away from mortality.
posted by Ink-stained wretch at 5:52 PM on November 12, 2021
Sorry for your loss. I thought I'd be chill about ashes--the grit factor, etc.--but it was still super unsettling and squicky. I guess we can only get so far away from mortality.
posted by Ink-stained wretch at 5:52 PM on November 12, 2021
A large spoon was brought along to help scatter one of my relatives' ashes. It did the job - but I have always wondered if that spoon was put back in the silverware drawer afterwards and if I should feel weird about that. So, one vote for not using standard kitchen utensils.
posted by mersen at 6:35 PM on November 12, 2021 [1 favorite]
posted by mersen at 6:35 PM on November 12, 2021 [1 favorite]
All I know is that it's not a good idea to scatter them off of a cliff, as there is almost always an updraft that will blow them right back. (I have seen the famous movie scene, but it also happened to a relative of mine scattering his mother's ashes near the sea).
posted by jb at 9:19 PM on November 12, 2021
posted by jb at 9:19 PM on November 12, 2021
I've been to two group ash-scatterings. Indeed, a cremated human is surprisingly large & can have chunks. The first one involved small cups of ashes, and yeah, flinging does not necessarily work! Wind does what it does, even when you think it's behind you. The second one, we used shells for scooping (a beach, they were handy) and dropped rather than threw the ashes... much better.
Personally I didn't find any of it squickful. Ashes to ashes, (star)dust to (star)dust.
posted by inexorably_forward at 11:50 PM on November 12, 2021 [1 favorite]
Personally I didn't find any of it squickful. Ashes to ashes, (star)dust to (star)dust.
posted by inexorably_forward at 11:50 PM on November 12, 2021 [1 favorite]
Two things. One, read this. If any of the ashes are not correctly processed for scattering, you will... know. But still, I found none of it squicky.
Second, I don't know how much this varies but my dad was a big man at 6'2" and there were so many more cremains than I had imagined. We only got a portion scattered by everyone at the well-attended service. (I didn't have a permit to fly the remaining ashes home with me internationally so my husband and my uncle the minister ended up climbing the cemetery fence later that night to break in and go pour the rest into the rose garden we had used. )
Both of these events were surprising to me and I am very fortunate I had someone to hand to deal with each of them. Maybe ask a good friend who isn't emotionally involved with your father's death to be backup in case the unexpected happens.
posted by DarlingBri at 4:42 AM on November 13, 2021 [4 favorites]
Second, I don't know how much this varies but my dad was a big man at 6'2" and there were so many more cremains than I had imagined. We only got a portion scattered by everyone at the well-attended service. (I didn't have a permit to fly the remaining ashes home with me internationally so my husband and my uncle the minister ended up climbing the cemetery fence later that night to break in and go pour the rest into the rose garden we had used. )
Both of these events were surprising to me and I am very fortunate I had someone to hand to deal with each of them. Maybe ask a good friend who isn't emotionally involved with your father's death to be backup in case the unexpected happens.
posted by DarlingBri at 4:42 AM on November 13, 2021 [4 favorites]
We scattered my uncle’s ashes with his lifelong partner. We went on a hike to stream which went out to sea and we also had a bouquet of flowers that we divided up and folks put into the water and either said a few words or were silent. It was nice to watch the flowers float away. I also bought some dissolving paper and wrote a few words and floated it. I offered to the others and there was some quick writing and floating. The paper was nice in that it kind of puffed and dissolved.
posted by amanda at 9:18 PM on November 13, 2021 [4 favorites]
posted by amanda at 9:18 PM on November 13, 2021 [4 favorites]
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There's more ashes than you'd think. To the point where it was sort of darkly comic how long it was taking to scatter my relative's remains. What started as a noble gentle sprinkling end up with a quick dump of the last couple of cups of ashes.
Sometimes there's chunks of bone in with the ash. There weren't any in ours. I would have found that an unwelcome surprise.
The little family memorial moment we had was great, as was the location. The actual handling of the physical remains was unpleasant. In a way I'm grateful because it made it very clear this cardboard box and plastic bag full of stuff was not the deceased person.
posted by Nelson at 2:20 PM on November 12, 2021 [15 favorites]