How to manage social anxiety effectively?
September 27, 2021 2:05 AM
I've struggled with debilitating social anxiety for the longest time, since earliest childhood I was very very shy, partly ( I believe) due to a traumatic an extremely overly controlled childhood and teenage environment. I was on SSRIs for a long time (almost a decade) which helped take the edge off, but I've come off them as I realised they were functioning as a band aid on wounds and I wasn't dealing with the roots of the problem. I am currently in group therapy which I think is helping somewhat, but - and I know this is speculation, I almost feel like this is in my DNA, if that makes sense. I've never not felt like this, so it feels near impossible to overcome. It boggles my mind to witness and experience people who are able to function effectively and not worry too much what others think of them, it feels like a superpower.
I've been off them a year now and the social anxiety is back with a vengeance and I'm remembering why I went on them now. Every social interaction I have, I dwell about for an excessive and agonising amount of time after. It limits my ability to function effectively as an adult as I'm near constantly wondering what others think of me. For days after a social interaction, I will be thinking and wondering about it and will feel quite sick with embarassment and self loathing.
I do this thing where when I am doing something, anything - I am observing and judging myself from a third party perspective and wondering what that person might think of me.
I think, to put it succinctly, I am almost never in my OWN head looking out at other people and thinking and judging them. I am almost always imagining being in another person's mind (someone I might know or have encountered) and looking critically at myself. This means I am rarely present to my own experiences but instead doing some weird imaginitive gymnastics and trying to figure out how others might view me and the results of this are never good. I always conclude that to that person I am pathetic, an embarassment to be around and an awkward weirdo. I do this a lot , hope that makes sense. I think I'm just using this as a way to shore up my self criticism and keep myself locked in a box of self hatred, but just don't know how to stop. Ultimately when I project in this way, it is actually me judging me, I'm just externalising it for some unknown reason.
Has anyone found a way to manage and function effectively with social anxiety? I phrase it this way, because I am starting to believe it is not something that can be fully overcome, for me. I've been like this since forever, but I want to find a way to get better and manage it more effectively.
Any books, resources, thoughts and ideas would be most welcome. It's a horrible way to live, not being able to enjoy your own life experience and some days I just don't know how I'm going to live the rest of my life battling with this.
I've been off them a year now and the social anxiety is back with a vengeance and I'm remembering why I went on them now. Every social interaction I have, I dwell about for an excessive and agonising amount of time after. It limits my ability to function effectively as an adult as I'm near constantly wondering what others think of me. For days after a social interaction, I will be thinking and wondering about it and will feel quite sick with embarassment and self loathing.
I do this thing where when I am doing something, anything - I am observing and judging myself from a third party perspective and wondering what that person might think of me.
I think, to put it succinctly, I am almost never in my OWN head looking out at other people and thinking and judging them. I am almost always imagining being in another person's mind (someone I might know or have encountered) and looking critically at myself. This means I am rarely present to my own experiences but instead doing some weird imaginitive gymnastics and trying to figure out how others might view me and the results of this are never good. I always conclude that to that person I am pathetic, an embarassment to be around and an awkward weirdo. I do this a lot , hope that makes sense. I think I'm just using this as a way to shore up my self criticism and keep myself locked in a box of self hatred, but just don't know how to stop. Ultimately when I project in this way, it is actually me judging me, I'm just externalising it for some unknown reason.
Has anyone found a way to manage and function effectively with social anxiety? I phrase it this way, because I am starting to believe it is not something that can be fully overcome, for me. I've been like this since forever, but I want to find a way to get better and manage it more effectively.
Any books, resources, thoughts and ideas would be most welcome. It's a horrible way to live, not being able to enjoy your own life experience and some days I just don't know how I'm going to live the rest of my life battling with this.
Alterscape, they made me feel very lethargic, unmotivated and constantly tired. This never really went away over the extended length of time I took them. I was extremely apathetic and, having come off them, I have realised I was not fully processing the experiences that had caused me trauma, something I have been doing now this past year.
My head is clearer in many ways, but the anxiety and depressive thoughts are back strongly. Hope that makes sense.
posted by Sunflower88 at 2:22 AM on September 27, 2021
My head is clearer in many ways, but the anxiety and depressive thoughts are back strongly. Hope that makes sense.
posted by Sunflower88 at 2:22 AM on September 27, 2021
Maybe there are different types of social anxiety - mine manifests as (often paralyzing) anxiety on the spot, but without all the subsequent judgement and rumination you describe. I say this because it might be worth working with a therapist to unpack this instinct for judgement and maybe find creative ways around it.
Beyond trying meds again, other things that might help are exercise (good for anxiety in general, and can help you feel more powerful and competent inside your own body) and being in regular situations where people say nice things to you and appreciate you (some kinds of volunteering, for example, where you make a tangible difference to someone).
And one interim exercise: go out and people watch, or pick a TV show with multiple characters. Write down your initial reactions to the people/characters you see. Are there a lot of negative judgements? Watch again more closely and see how many positive things you can find about them - in their appearance, their behavior, the way they treat others. After you've done this a few times, try to make it a regular habit to notice as many positive things about the people you interact with as you can. Most of us have a lot of lousy aspects, but a lot of good ones to balance them out too. Learning to put more weight on other people's good points might be one way to start retraining your judgemental instinct, or putting it in perspective.
posted by trig at 2:57 AM on September 27, 2021
Beyond trying meds again, other things that might help are exercise (good for anxiety in general, and can help you feel more powerful and competent inside your own body) and being in regular situations where people say nice things to you and appreciate you (some kinds of volunteering, for example, where you make a tangible difference to someone).
And one interim exercise: go out and people watch, or pick a TV show with multiple characters. Write down your initial reactions to the people/characters you see. Are there a lot of negative judgements? Watch again more closely and see how many positive things you can find about them - in their appearance, their behavior, the way they treat others. After you've done this a few times, try to make it a regular habit to notice as many positive things about the people you interact with as you can. Most of us have a lot of lousy aspects, but a lot of good ones to balance them out too. Learning to put more weight on other people's good points might be one way to start retraining your judgemental instinct, or putting it in perspective.
posted by trig at 2:57 AM on September 27, 2021
Meds, mostly, for me. I find the side effects to be well worth the benefits. I understand that’s not true for everyone, but it might be worth trying some different non-SSRI med options if you haven’t explored that.
Beyond that, cognitive behavioral therapy was some help. Not so much in the moment of a social interaction, but with the post-interaction ruminating. As annoying as I find the “make a list of alternative explanations for that person’s behavior besides annoyance with you” style exercises, they turn out to be a useful trick for my brain.
I wish I had a great answer for you beyond the deeply predictable “meds and therapy” but I haven’t found the One Weird Trick. Like you, I don’t expect to ever not be anxious, but it’s manageable these days. I hope you’ll find your own way to get to that point too.
posted by Stacey at 4:18 AM on September 27, 2021
Beyond that, cognitive behavioral therapy was some help. Not so much in the moment of a social interaction, but with the post-interaction ruminating. As annoying as I find the “make a list of alternative explanations for that person’s behavior besides annoyance with you” style exercises, they turn out to be a useful trick for my brain.
I wish I had a great answer for you beyond the deeply predictable “meds and therapy” but I haven’t found the One Weird Trick. Like you, I don’t expect to ever not be anxious, but it’s manageable these days. I hope you’ll find your own way to get to that point too.
posted by Stacey at 4:18 AM on September 27, 2021
Definitely try different meds. A family member with social anxiety is on their third medication trial, and it's pretty common for the first one not to work or have bad side effects. It's combined with CBT therapy and they've made genuine progress after a decade of deep social anxiety.
I take meds for generalised anxiety and the difference is that the spirals can be stopped rather than cascading.
With the family member with social anxiety, regular sleep makes a big difference. We've also (in practical tips) practiced interactions ahead of time, stuck to familiar spaces and people with small pushes like a chain restaurant in a different place, and having someone trusted accompany them as backup when they need to talk to someone. Online interactions feel a lot less fraught and there's a lot of texting and using gifs.
I've also noticed that a lot more visible praise is needed. The family member keeps taped around their room positive notes people have written them and pictures of inspiring people and quotes. It's cheesy but it does seem to help. I did the same a few years ago in deep depression, collaging an entire wall and pasting quirky quotes all over the bathroom and kitchen and I still sometimes think of the people and quotes when I'm down.
posted by dorothyisunderwood at 4:35 AM on September 27, 2021
I take meds for generalised anxiety and the difference is that the spirals can be stopped rather than cascading.
With the family member with social anxiety, regular sleep makes a big difference. We've also (in practical tips) practiced interactions ahead of time, stuck to familiar spaces and people with small pushes like a chain restaurant in a different place, and having someone trusted accompany them as backup when they need to talk to someone. Online interactions feel a lot less fraught and there's a lot of texting and using gifs.
I've also noticed that a lot more visible praise is needed. The family member keeps taped around their room positive notes people have written them and pictures of inspiring people and quotes. It's cheesy but it does seem to help. I did the same a few years ago in deep depression, collaging an entire wall and pasting quirky quotes all over the bathroom and kitchen and I still sometimes think of the people and quotes when I'm down.
posted by dorothyisunderwood at 4:35 AM on September 27, 2021
100% try different meds. there are so many out there. it took me almost 20 years to find a combo that worked well for me and didn't just kind of work okayish.
posted by misanthropicsarah at 6:52 AM on September 27, 2021
posted by misanthropicsarah at 6:52 AM on September 27, 2021
Hello! I take a small amount of buspar for this and it has helped me immeasurably. Buspar is not an SSRI.
The only side effects I have experienced are dizziness before my dose was properly titrated, and a slightly elevated propensity for headache. Absolutely worth it for me, as it has almost completely stopped my negative ruminations.
posted by sevensnowflakes at 8:26 AM on September 27, 2021
The only side effects I have experienced are dizziness before my dose was properly titrated, and a slightly elevated propensity for headache. Absolutely worth it for me, as it has almost completely stopped my negative ruminations.
posted by sevensnowflakes at 8:26 AM on September 27, 2021
Like others, for me, the only thing that has made a difference is meds. There are a lot out there beyond SSRIs.
posted by kathrynm at 10:17 AM on September 27, 2021
posted by kathrynm at 10:17 AM on September 27, 2021
A young person close to me with debilitating social anxiety recently described to me experiencing the world this way, wondering how people are perceiving him, and presuming it's terrible, and then not engaging with the world because of this fear of being seen like this. Like you, he knew, intellectually, that this was his judgment of himself.
I want to point out two problems with this way of perceiving the world. I know that logic doesn't always help, but sometimes, in moments of clarity, you might be able to have a brief self talk. So, in case this helps...
First, you are presuming you know what others are thinking and feeling. You do not.
Next, think about what happens if you see a person trip. Imagine an older person who seemed unsteady on their feet, or a parent carrying a young child. If they tripped, I suspect your first reaction would be concern for them: "Are you okay? Can I help you? Is the baby okay?" Now, think about how you feel when you trip: "Oh my god I'm so embarrassed I'm such a clutz I hope no one is looking at me or paying attention to me I just want to get up and get going and pretend this didn't happen."
But you know what those people are thinking: they are thinking, "Are you okay? Can I help you?"
This young person I know was on an SSRI for a while and went off of it, but is now starting on a different one. He's also been in therapy for several months, which has been a big help. I think the two together -- meds and therapy -- can be really key.
posted by bluedaisy at 10:40 AM on September 27, 2021
I want to point out two problems with this way of perceiving the world. I know that logic doesn't always help, but sometimes, in moments of clarity, you might be able to have a brief self talk. So, in case this helps...
First, you are presuming you know what others are thinking and feeling. You do not.
Next, think about what happens if you see a person trip. Imagine an older person who seemed unsteady on their feet, or a parent carrying a young child. If they tripped, I suspect your first reaction would be concern for them: "Are you okay? Can I help you? Is the baby okay?" Now, think about how you feel when you trip: "Oh my god I'm so embarrassed I'm such a clutz I hope no one is looking at me or paying attention to me I just want to get up and get going and pretend this didn't happen."
But you know what those people are thinking: they are thinking, "Are you okay? Can I help you?"
This young person I know was on an SSRI for a while and went off of it, but is now starting on a different one. He's also been in therapy for several months, which has been a big help. I think the two together -- meds and therapy -- can be really key.
posted by bluedaisy at 10:40 AM on September 27, 2021
I've never not felt like this, so it feels near impossible to overcome. It boggles my mind to witness and experience people who are able to function effectively and not worry too much what others think of them, it feels like a superpower.
Ditto. I, for example, don't like practicing the piano because I don't like making mistakes in front of myself. I can identify with the feeling of "throwing my consciousness" into what an observer might think of my performance instead of actually focusing on what I'm doing. The pandemic has given me a great excuse to withdraw from most of the relationships and situations where I was being Performatively Good and trying to make sure I'm not about to be cast into outer darkness after accidentally not meeting an expectation. I'm trying to build a secure attachment to myself, and a sense of self-worth that is resilient to other people thinking I'm stupid or clumsy or childish, or being disappointed in me, but also resilient to other people liking me and wanting relationships with me, because that's when their opinions begin to matter more than they should. One thing that I'm trying to convince myself of lately is the idea that if people are unfairly critical or judgmental of me, I'm allowed to stop liking them! I don't have to like all the people who want to be liked or think they have a right to be liked by me, and I don't have to give people's opinions any weight if I don't have a current strategic reason for doing so.
A high school friend of mine who had a lot of social anxiety about her appearance was advised by one of her parents to approach interactions with people by first identifying something about them that they probably feel insecure about. Not that you would ever mention this to them or use it against them, but it worked for her to retain some sense of power and develop the perspective of "oh yeah? Who cares what you think, since you also have serious flaws?"
Here's a Captain Obvious column about receiving criticism that might be relevant to your situation, especially the part about how to determine whose opinion matters. Going from where you are to where you want to be is going to take a while, and "normal self-confidence" is probably going to feel like shameless, grandiose narcissism. If you can find a therapist who will validate you about how goddamn difficult it is to take a single step outside the box of self-hatred, stick with that person. I can't really comment on meds - I was on buspirone briefly and it did help me not freak out as much about my boss's unreasonable expectations and poor demonstration of boundaries, but it didn't really help me put any boundaries in place. A therapist who was able to validate my feelings of wrongness about having boundaries and encouragingly walk me through how to have them anyway, would have helped.
posted by All hands bury the dead at 12:48 PM on September 27, 2021
Ditto. I, for example, don't like practicing the piano because I don't like making mistakes in front of myself. I can identify with the feeling of "throwing my consciousness" into what an observer might think of my performance instead of actually focusing on what I'm doing. The pandemic has given me a great excuse to withdraw from most of the relationships and situations where I was being Performatively Good and trying to make sure I'm not about to be cast into outer darkness after accidentally not meeting an expectation. I'm trying to build a secure attachment to myself, and a sense of self-worth that is resilient to other people thinking I'm stupid or clumsy or childish, or being disappointed in me, but also resilient to other people liking me and wanting relationships with me, because that's when their opinions begin to matter more than they should. One thing that I'm trying to convince myself of lately is the idea that if people are unfairly critical or judgmental of me, I'm allowed to stop liking them! I don't have to like all the people who want to be liked or think they have a right to be liked by me, and I don't have to give people's opinions any weight if I don't have a current strategic reason for doing so.
A high school friend of mine who had a lot of social anxiety about her appearance was advised by one of her parents to approach interactions with people by first identifying something about them that they probably feel insecure about. Not that you would ever mention this to them or use it against them, but it worked for her to retain some sense of power and develop the perspective of "oh yeah? Who cares what you think, since you also have serious flaws?"
Here's a Captain Obvious column about receiving criticism that might be relevant to your situation, especially the part about how to determine whose opinion matters. Going from where you are to where you want to be is going to take a while, and "normal self-confidence" is probably going to feel like shameless, grandiose narcissism. If you can find a therapist who will validate you about how goddamn difficult it is to take a single step outside the box of self-hatred, stick with that person. I can't really comment on meds - I was on buspirone briefly and it did help me not freak out as much about my boss's unreasonable expectations and poor demonstration of boundaries, but it didn't really help me put any boundaries in place. A therapist who was able to validate my feelings of wrongness about having boundaries and encouragingly walk me through how to have them anyway, would have helped.
posted by All hands bury the dead at 12:48 PM on September 27, 2021
Has anyone found a way to manage and function effectively with social anxiety? I phrase it this way, because I am starting to believe it is not something that can be fully overcome
When I first started tackling my severe social anxiety meds were not on the table for me so I went down quite a few different paths. I did reach a point where through CBT, daily meditation, exercise, and minimal exposure to social situations I could handle those situations fairly well. It did take quite a bit of ongoing effort to keep myself in that place.
About then I decided to try meds and found that they got me to that place and further with a lot less effort. I don’t know if that would be true if I hadn’t done all the prior work getting there though.
That said I’m not sure what it would mean to “fully overcome“ social anxiety. I’ve reached the point where I can hang out with small groups of people comfortably, but I’ll never be the life of the party or the gracious socialite. I am no longer panicked or terrified by social interactions, but they’re never going to be my comfort zone.
In your shoes I’d be looking for meds with a better side effect profile. It’s a search that can take years, but it may be worth it.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 12:11 AM on September 29, 2021
When I first started tackling my severe social anxiety meds were not on the table for me so I went down quite a few different paths. I did reach a point where through CBT, daily meditation, exercise, and minimal exposure to social situations I could handle those situations fairly well. It did take quite a bit of ongoing effort to keep myself in that place.
About then I decided to try meds and found that they got me to that place and further with a lot less effort. I don’t know if that would be true if I hadn’t done all the prior work getting there though.
That said I’m not sure what it would mean to “fully overcome“ social anxiety. I’ve reached the point where I can hang out with small groups of people comfortably, but I’ll never be the life of the party or the gracious socialite. I am no longer panicked or terrified by social interactions, but they’re never going to be my comfort zone.
In your shoes I’d be looking for meds with a better side effect profile. It’s a search that can take years, but it may be worth it.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 12:11 AM on September 29, 2021
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posted by Alterscape at 2:17 AM on September 27, 2021