Feeling stuck in life

September 25, 2021 8:44 AM

I am a full time mom for an awesome,smart young man who has autism.He has multiple allergies which have restricted us this year from going out on vacations(which we all enjoyed to reset and refresh our life).We were planning to go somewhere this year but had to cancel because of this new delta variant .We try to go out to stores/library once a week.My wonderful husband is working from home and very busy with his new irritating boss.He helps a lot with the household chores and also with my son.He is a great husband and a great dad.

My son is a happy young man and keeps us cheerful and make us laugh whenever he senses that we are worried…He is also very enthusiastic in learning new computer skills(like python) .This keeps us optimistic and quite busy/hectic teaching him too. I am learning new skills with him.It’s a positive thing.I do a lot of art which helps me unwind.Just hoping 🤞by next year or two,with his skills he can get a job(God willing)but just thinking about getting there, is what gets me anxious.

I am clearly not depressed. I’ve had depression in the past.So,I exactly know how it feels.


My problem is the constant worry about my son’s future.I had some great friends with kids who were very good with my son.They all moved away.I don’t have family from my side but my in-law in another country who care less about my son and never had once initiated talking to him or even text him. I had lot of friends (may be just neighbors probably 🤔)but slowly my life got busier with my son,people drifted away as they felt I was not able to host or attend parties. I don’t have any regrets as I feel that I have done a lot to contribute but people never reciprocated the same.genuine friends would have stayed but they were not unfortunately.


Both of us have volunteered in many special need groups.Everywhere they felt that my son is high functioning and he doesn’t belong in the group.We realized very early in our son’s life that he is going to be unique and we, as parents need to create a path for him.Even though we tried all normal social interactions we can,it kept reminding us that our son’s path is going to be unique and hard.


We have been thro’ a lot of ups and down in our lives.I have been an optimistic person finding ways to stay calm during the tough times.With God’s grace, we were able to surf through those tough times finding ways to move forward,which has brought us this far in our life.

I don’t know if the pandemic or hitting the half century milestone (hormones🥺)has made me less optimistic . I worry a lot now and very hard to think positive as future haunts me .My husband worries a lot too but doesn’t show as much as I do………I’m grateful we are much better than many people but still I can do better. I am grateful that we live in US,my son is able to do many things even with his challenges which would have been impossible if we were in our home country. My husband and I try our best to get up early and exercise.We eat healthy, as the thought of one of us getting sick too will be the worst thing for us to handle.We are trying our best with everything we can.But I feel we are missing something ………. ..that’s not letting us to be optimistic…….

I don’t know what to ask but vent.sorry for the long post and thanks for listening.

posted by SunPower to Religion & Philosophy (18 answers total)

I am also mother to a young man on the spectrum. He is high functioning and not a great fit for lots of the groups available. I have suggested this before in AskMetafilter, but a terrific resource is AANE. They are local to me, but because of the pandemic they have expanded their scope greatly. They have some great programs for adults on the spectrum and their parents/caregivers: support groups, lists of providers, one-on-one programs for counseling. The LifeMap and LifeNet programs are a great resource for one-on-once counseling and support targeting whatever issues are needed, such as searching for work, college, gaining independence, and lots more. The expense has been problematic for me as a single parent, but they have different types of financial support available.

Good luck!
posted by primate moon at 9:01 AM on September 25, 2021 [3 favorites]

I am a mother to a younger son who’s not on the spectrum but has a variety of diagnoses involving a lot of therapies, appointments, etc.

I am happy to chat/listen to vents via MeMail.

I would also strongly recommend the MeFi parenting Facebook groups [More Inside]. It is a private group, so MeMail me if you want instructions on how to join. We have parents of all ages and stages and situations and are very non-judgy and supportive.
posted by bananacabana at 9:24 AM on September 25, 2021 [7 favorites]

Hi! I'm an autistic person. Does your son have any connections yet to the autistic community? Based on my personal experience, making such connections (to other actually-autistic people) is the single best thing he could possibly do. One starting place may be the Autistic Self Advocacy Network, which I think is based in the US.

Also it's not entirely clear from your question what your actual question is... are you looking for suggestions for your son (if he's a young man a year or two from getting a job, I am thinking that he is probably at least 16, and hence probably able to have his own opinions about what he wants in life), or for yourself? If the latter, maybe do some volunteer stuff outside of the house every now and then? It could help you make new friends.
posted by heatherlogan at 9:27 AM on September 25, 2021 [11 favorites]

Reconnect with one friend. Spend some time thinking about your past friendships and who it would make you the most happy to reconnect with. Reach out to that person. Friends can be a path back to ourselves
posted by CMcG at 11:49 AM on September 25, 2021 [7 favorites]

Is college and independence on the horizon for your son? There are many young adults heading out into the world, and more than a few have specialized programs for students on the spectrum (beyond student disability services).

For you, have you considered picking up some classes that reflect your personal or professional interests? Some are online, which might be more convenient, either way, it could be a path back to your full self.

Also, the Netflix series “Atypical” has a parenting-into-young-adulthood plot line that could be a good reflection point from both parents (if you can forgive that the lead actor is not on the spectrum, there are others that are.)
posted by childofTethys at 12:09 PM on September 25, 2021 [1 favorite]

Hi from crypto land. We need python devs so bad. Have him learn solidity and react, too, please, and he will have his pick of jobs. These will afford him money and potentially a social network. Thanks for being an awesome support!
posted by The Last Sockpuppet at 12:39 PM on September 25, 2021 [3 favorites]

Response by poster: Thank you for all your great suggestion.Will check everyone of them and hope I will be able to find something to make me move forward.
posted by SunPower at 5:17 PM on September 25, 2021

I'm a little confused about your question, but I wonder if your situation makes it possible to do things by yourself for yourself. When I've been in a funk, hobbies that temporarily gave me joy were what staved off depression long enough for the clouds to pass. By joy, for me it was rock climbing (something about being diagonal), gardening, and getting a cat -- doing things that my body really loved helped at times when my mind felt like I couldn't find any path to happiness.
posted by slidell at 9:09 PM on September 25, 2021

Hi (waving my hand!) my two little boys are not neurotypical. My older son is 6 and is pretty friendly and getting along well but our younger chap is 5 and finding it harder to settle and be comfortable in life. Between various challenges and corona and this and that we’ve gotten isolated and it’s tough.

We’re going to try to do solo trips so we can do stuff we like on our own and I’m getting a body and nutrition coach so I can fix some seriously bad for me habits and maybe get some energy back. As far as being afraid for the future, I feel like that more now and I feel that it’s the news and current events. Good luck! I share your wish to feel better and more positive. Optimistic is my natural state and it’s been hard to maintain the last 3 years.
posted by pairofshades at 9:17 PM on September 25, 2021

Response by poster: Private moon--Thanks for the information about AANE.Will check it out soon.
posted by SunPower at 7:07 AM on September 26, 2021

Response by poster: Heatherlogan--Thanks.Sure,Will check the Advocacy group you mentioned.My son wants to become a software developer but has anxiety and communication issues which is making it hard for him to be in social situations. Hence we have been looking around where he can be comfortable and would be able to show his computer skills to work. Will surely check volunteering opportunities.
posted by SunPower at 7:25 AM on September 26, 2021

Response by poster: The Last Sockpuppet---Yes ,my son knows basic python, html, css. But I'm not sure what else we can suggest for him to learn. Do you have any suggestions on how to improve his basic python skills into professional ready? He hasn't done a real-life projects yet.We are yet to find one that will help him grow his skills and boost his confidence.
He is enthusiastic but can't push himself in learning new stuff.

Will consider teaching him react .But what is solidity?
posted by SunPower at 7:43 AM on September 26, 2021

I wonder if it is time for you to start asserting your identity outside being a mother to your son. Not because that phase of your life is finished, but because it feels from your question that there is something missing for you from your life. Your son's future may be different to how it would be from a neurotypical fledgling adult, but that is a comparison it sounds like you are making rather than one he is. Adding in some things (activities, friends) that are just for you might help find better balance.
posted by plonkee at 7:55 AM on September 26, 2021

Response by poster: slidell--Art has been my passion and stress reliever too.I've home schooled my son for few years when he was 5 years old.I was able to survive because of art.Yes,I have been trying to devote some time for myself in the afternoon to focus on art which has been helping a lot.
But when I start worrying about my son, I can't focus on even on a simple project. Yes,You're spot on. When I feel good after completing something and feel accomplished, I get new level of positive energy to move forward.
posted by SunPower at 7:57 AM on September 26, 2021 [1 favorite]

Response by poster: pairofshades--you are right.This last few years has been tough for me to be optimistic too.It's true that the news and current events are bringing sadness to our day to day life.I've reduced watching and reading news . Trying to focus on other things.But it's hard sometimes.

We were planning some hiking this year .I was diagnosed with osteoarthiritis (in the beginning of this year)which really put me down.But I didn't give up.I cut down on sugar, eating more healthy and lost some weight, indoor biking, physical therapy has helped my knees get better .I'm feeling much better physically now than how I was 8 months ago.

Thanks once again for your wishes and actually I'm feeling much better today after reading all the wonderful replies.
posted by SunPower at 8:14 AM on September 26, 2021 [3 favorites]

Joining Reddit communities, coding camps (virtual or in person), joining open source projects, ethical hacking communities all a good place to collab on projects and learn skills. Solidity is a language to make smart contracts on the ethereum blockchain. If he jumps onto Twitter (supervised?) and asks for resources that’s a good place to learn too! Folks love to teach and share resources in the space
posted by The Last Sockpuppet at 4:15 PM on September 26, 2021

Response by poster: The Last Sockpuppet—-thanks for the info.Will try to look into the resources you had mentioned.
posted by SunPower at 6:02 PM on September 26, 2021

Mod note: Hey, SunPower, moderator here. Ask Metafilter isn't really meant for back and forth conversation or chat. It's fine to update with extra info if needed, or answer a question, but aside from that, just relax and take in the answers. Don't worry; no one will think you are rude if you don't acknowledge every comment. It just keeps things more on track and easier to follow if the thread is mostly limited to answers. Thanks!
posted by taz (staff) at 11:24 PM on September 26, 2021 [1 favorite]