Letting hair go naturally gray in 30s and 40s

September 20, 2021 12:48 PM

Cisgender lady here who asked MeFi last year for advice on dyeing hair (thanks!). I since found a better colorist and have been getting highlights to cover gray. But... I hate coloring my hair. I hate the cost, maintenance and the fact that I can slowly watch the dye fade out/highlights lose their toner over time. Are you a femme-presenting person who has let their natural gray hair show in your 30s and 40s? Difficulty: office job and fear of age discrimination.

A novel below...

I have been working from home since the panny but video calls clearly show my hair, and I am hoping to be back in a physical office very soon. I work in a male-dominated industry (tech) where even men are concerned about age discrimination. As a late-30's woman I already fight "you're nurturing/less smart/less technical" biases and I fear that exposing my gray would only worsen this. I've been assuming that dying my hair is a requirement to "make it" in this profession, but there are a few things that have made me consider going naturally gray:

* I've recently seen some very stylish women in their 30s, 40s and 50s with gray/white hair who had awesome accessories, trendy haircuts and great fashion, who were totally rocking their natural hair. They seemed confident and striking, they wore awesome makeup and had wonderful skin, and I thought... ugh, I wish I could do that!
* I'm very active/outdoorsy and the fact that my colorist has recommended less shampooing/less swimming/holding off on washes to "preserve my color" makes me feel frustrated and annoyed. I like to take a shower and rinse my scalp after working out, and now I feel like my scalp is perpetually greasy.
* Highlights and dye are making my hair feel dry and brittle. I know gray hair has its own wiry texture and may feel dry, but my dyed hair feels damaged. Yes I can use products (and I'm shelling out for Olaplex now), but I've never been a big hair-product person.
* Even though I like my colorist, I feel like I only *love* my hair for the first week, and then I can gradually see it fade/roots come in. I have been getting highlights with ashy brown/blonde toner and after a few weeks the highlights turn brassy and I need to go in for more toner to make it look more natural. I know that no one else is watching my hair so closely, but I don't enjoy noticing subtle daily changes and feeling like I have to "monitor" my hair for subtle signs of aging.
* I'm honestly maybe only 20% gray, the rest of the 80% is my natural brownish/blonde and it's sad that I'm covering what's left of my natural color in order to achieve some uniform "it's not natural but it's not gray" tone.

So I'd really love to know if other femme-presenting MeFites have chosen to let their natural gray exist at an age where most of your peers are coloring their gray/don't have gray yet, and if you felt negative (or even positive) impacts at work, socially, etc.

posted by rogerroger to Clothing, Beauty, & Fashion (47 answers total)

Anecdote, not mine but my boss's: She's just turned 42 and has had her natural hair color since I've been with the org (2 years), possibly longer, I can't say. In the time she's been my boss, she's been promoted from VP to CDO and has had two departments merged under her. She is incredibly competent and an excellent leader. Our work is non-profit, though, which could very well be the difference.
posted by cooker girl at 1:00 PM on September 20, 2021

I did! I started having visible gray in my 20s, and went to my early 40s coloring my hair. After a few false starts, I finally had enough gray to make it worth it to grow it out and cut off the dyed hair.

I have never regretted it! My hair is so much healthier, it looks fab, and I get lots of compliments on it. I do however have to dye or color in my eyebrows, because they are nearly invisible.

I work in government and have few interactions with the public, and my office is pretty mature. I have never felt my hair had an effect on how I was perceived here.

I too am outdoorsy and I hate fussing with my hair. Stopping the color saved me at least $600 per year. And it's so much healthier: I only wash it once a week and I use high quality shampoo and purple conditioner designed to keep it from going yellow. I don't swim, though, so I don't know how pool chemicals would interact with it.

I highly encourage you to try it: it's so common now that if you didn't like it and colored it again, it's no big deal.
posted by suelac at 1:01 PM on September 20, 2021

I am in my late 50's, and have brown hair with lots of grey at the temples. I used to dye my hair or have a colorist do it. I have cousins of a similar age, and an older youngish aunt, who do not dye their hair at all. They also do not sport a lot of makeup and one of my cousins is quite sporty, a hiker and yoga enthusiast.

One thing that might be a compromise, which I had done a couple of years ago, is a glaze. Not sure what the actual chemicals involved were, but the stylist explained it as a glaze, as opposed to a true dying method. I agree that coloring a lot can result in weird hair texture. There are also things that will sort of highlight greys and give them a nicer tone (violet? Pink?). Which maybe that will act as highlights rather than the dull steel grey that people usually associate with age.
posted by Marie Mon Dieu at 1:02 PM on September 20, 2021

Slight tangent - I hear you on the fading/ brassy part / wanting to preserve the colour thing. Know that you can buy professional toner and refresh that at home to allow you to wash your hair more frequently/ spread out salon visits more, while you ponder the big step. Your stylist should be able to recommend options.
posted by koahiatamadl at 1:09 PM on September 20, 2021

Mid 40s, cisgender female, professional office person, haven’t colored my hair since it was purple in high school. I have had visible gray hair since my early 30s and have never felt a single negative impact. My hairdresser asked me once if I was interested in color and I may have glared at her a little. I like my hair fine, it does need a little extra moisture. Why not try it and see?
posted by chocotaco at 1:13 PM on September 20, 2021

Male here who has been begging my gf to let her hair go natural for several years now. Quite frankly, in many cases, I think it makes one look younger not older. All the coloring, brittle hair makes one look like they are trying real hard to cover something up. Just my $0.02
posted by AugustWest at 1:13 PM on September 20, 2021

I am 41 and have been slowly greying for 3 or 4 years. Most people I know who are my age +/-5yrs are colouring the hair, either to their former natural colour, or with light highlights that blend the grey. I spend a lot of money getting my haircut regularly - I have a short, asymmetric cut that works spectacularly well with the way my hair falls naturally and looks good if I wash and wear and great if I style it. 99% of the time, I wash and wear. I don't know whether it's fashionable exactly, but it's not generic. I also make sure that my glasses are pretty fashionable, and make sure that (for office wear) I don't dress frumpily.

I get on ok. I work in a fairly image conscious discipline, but in a more boring/less glamorous area. I don't think my greying hair holds me back, but it does mean that rather than looking younger than my age as I did for years, at best I look good for my age.
posted by plonkee at 1:15 PM on September 20, 2021

Hey! I'm an early-40s femme-presenting white woman in tech (developer on a team with mostly young white men), and I have always let my hair go gray (I am more than 50% gray now), with occasional detours into "fun" colors. Here's what my natural haircolor looks like after a blowout. This is what it looks like on a more usual day. I love my hair! I get compliments on it routinely and it just grows out of my head like that. Feel free to poke around my insta for more photos of me in various states of kempt-ness. As you can kind of see my OG hair color is sort of a cool medium brown.

I don't think gray hair necessarily makes you look older - my mom (formerly dyed blonde) and my aunt (formerly dark brown) have been transitioning to white over the past year or two and of course they look like they're in their 60s (they are) but they don't look bad! Sometimes a mediocre dye job can age you up just as much as some gray hair. And of course you don't want to style it like you're on the Golden Girls or something.

I save dye jobs for special occasions and fun colors (the bottom half of my hair is currently bright orange), because yeah, it's annoying to watch the color wash away, and I haven't washed my hair since Thursday WHICH IS FINE but really not my favorite in the hot summer (or during hat season).

Have you talked to your stylist about transitioning to a gray-er look? If she's not into it, maybe ask around if you know anyone who's switched from coloring to gray? There must be people who specialize in this, at this point.
posted by mskyle at 1:22 PM on September 20, 2021

I'm a mid-40s woman who's also in tech (developer) and I've been noticably silver since my early 30s. Although I primarily work from home, I'm a contractor and so I'm used to job interviews and on-site onboarding for large, male-dominated companies. I've never thought that my hair made anyone perceive my age differently or in a negative way. I love my hair and feel that grey/silver/white hair exudes a certain confidence that hair that is noticably dyed doesn't.

For what it's worth, I also do a lot of landscaping and home renovation work and I also need to thoroughly shampoo my hair to get the dirt/DEET/paint/sawdust out of it. I've got naturally curly hair that often feels dry. I just mix a little hair oil into some conditioner after washing (leave it in) and then let it dry naturally. My white hair is just as supple as the rest of my (not yet white) hair.
posted by mezzanayne at 1:31 PM on September 20, 2021

I'm early 40s and have never coloured my hair, which is brown with grey streaks at the front. As I'm a freelancer working remotely, nobody cares about how I present my hair, so I can't speak to that aspect.

I will say though that since things have opened up after lockdowns, I've been seeing women who previously coloured their hair and have now let it grow out, and it has reassured me that I am not as prematurely grey as I thought it was! So if you do decide to let the grey show, thanks for being part of that movement :)
posted by altolinguistic at 1:33 PM on September 20, 2021

I am a 39-year old cis femme queer woman, working in academia, started going grey in my mid/late 20s and haven't dyed my hair since. I have a short asymmetrical cut that I wash and wear, and get tons of compliments on my hair (including people asking where I get it dyed!). In general, when people guess my age they guess that I'm younger than I am.

I have had no negative consequences from letting it go grey, and I agree that dyed hair can age a person more than natural grey that's styled well. It sounds like we started with relatively similar colors (that middle ground between dark blonde and light brown), and I will add that the mixing of grey with this hair color is also really pretty and multi-dimensional. Also nthing occasional purple conditioner (I use + love this one) to keep the grey bright, plus occasional deep conditioner for any texture issues.
posted by dizziest at 1:35 PM on September 20, 2021

"Male here who has been begging my gf to let her hair go natural for several years now. Quite frankly, in many cases, I think it makes one look younger not older. All the coloring, brittle hair makes one look like they are trying real hard to cover something up. Just my $0.02"

Could not agree more. I think it's a confidence issue. Like AugustWest said, it's pretty easy to tell if hair color is natural or not, and when it's not, I get a sense of trying to hide. Whereas with natural gray, it sends the message "this is who I am; deal with it". As a 41-year-old guy in tech, I feel like that kind of confidence would be appreciated more than merely having hair a certain color. And yeah, I think that confidence would make you look younger than any hair dye ever could.
posted by kevinbelt at 1:35 PM on September 20, 2021

Just an anecdote for you, but I have naturally extremely dark brown (almost black) hair and:
-- I started getting grays in my early 20s, and was meh about coloring them until I hit 30 or so.
-- Did the professional thing but was lazy about touching up and always waited "too long" before recoloring, so had plenty of gray roots basically all the time.
-- Had a kid in my mid 30s so didn't have time or money for salon color, resorted to box color (with decent results) for several years in my late 30s and early 40s
-- Then did a few years of bleach + pink (which I would've happily stayed with for the entire rest of my life if it wasn't so hard to maintain).
-- Had a Traumatic Thing happen to me, which led to me purposefully deciding to shave my head as catharsis at age 50. Let my hair grow back gray and stay gray. I am SO SO HAPPY I did this and wish I'd done it years ago. Decades ago. I look fucking fantastic. My hair is in better shape than it's ever been. I get a million compliments on it. It requires no upkeep. I work out a lot, so I also like to shampoo a lot, and it's fine!

I seriously wish I'd gone gray when I was your age. Go for it -- at worst, you can switch back to coloring it.
posted by BlahLaLa at 1:36 PM on September 20, 2021

My anecdote is a female friend my age (late 30s) who has substantially more grey than me (maybe she's at 40% the last time I saw her?) and I can honestly say I don't feel like it makes her look much older. She still has the same skin, hip clothing, demeanor, voice, etc. There are many ways we age, hair color is but one.

Edit to add: she has dark hair, so the greys do pop.
posted by coffeecat at 1:37 PM on September 20, 2021

Right now at 42 my hair is purple because when was I going to go purple if not in a pandemic? But before that I would say I had let my natural greys - an early sprinkle starting in my mid twenties, and then a couple of fairly thick streaks that showed up in my late thirties - be visible most of the time.

No one ever commented on it negatively except an ex-stylist, and I haven’t ever felt concerned about age bias. But I work in academia, where if anything it helps to look a bit older so faculty take me seriously. When I get tired of purple I fully intend to let it fade out and go back to my natural hair. Which, based on what I can tell from where the purple is brightest, has gotten quite a bit greyer. I think that’s going to look pretty cool!
posted by Stacey at 1:52 PM on September 20, 2021

White hairs showed up in my otherwise black hair when I was @ 16. I have never dyed it. Age discrimination is real and gray hair probably contributes, but oh, well. I am in my 60s, let it grow rather than go to a salon during Covid, planning to donate it what is now a waist-length braid. It's freeing. I do not worry about the cost of hair coloring or scheduling it. I really like ignoring the dictates of the overbearing and sexist fashion industry. The long (French) braid is not stylish, but I have frizz. At this length, it is requiring more effort than I like, a friend agreed to take photos, then it'll get cut a bit shorter than I like, but will keep it shoulder-length. I will dye the tips blue.
posted by theora55 at 1:58 PM on September 20, 2021

I work in an industry that is kind of weird because it's half a women-dominated industry (education) and half a man-dominated industry (tech), and find that most women are either coloring their hair or possibly are not graying yet. I doubt the latter, because come on, we're all in our 40s or older at this point...SOMEONE is gray. We're on video always, though, so the "it's super clear who is dyeing their hair" thing doesn't apply.

I will say that the women I know who let themselves go fully gray tend to be very pretty women with, for lack of a better word, "good" hair. Lots of volume, curl, just generally "cool" hair that would be "cool" no matter what color. This is kind of in line with the stylish ladies you're seeing, seems like. It doesn't seem to age them substantially but I get the sense that as a plain-looking lady with a completely unremarkable hair style or texture, who is not otherwise cool or fashionable, that I would not get the same pass.

Of course as you're seeing in this thread, women get dinged for dyeing their hair too (not confident! hiding!). It's gross, I hate it, burn the planet down.
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 1:58 PM on September 20, 2021

Also, I use silicone-based shine serum and it really makes it behave better and it sparkles a little.
posted by theora55 at 1:58 PM on September 20, 2021

I recently turned 49. I stopped coloring at age 46. I was tired of salon visits and the time spent in the hairdresser's. I noticed my face and my skin tone was not looking so great with colored hair as I aged. I was a natural blonde and had color and highlights every six weeks. If I knew how well my gray blended with my blonde I would have stopped coloring years earlier or at least colored less frequently. I came to the conclusion that Mother Nature knows best and I stopped coloring altogether. It was the best decision and I wish I had never started coloring in the first place. I think so many women color on auto-pilot because it's a societal norm. I'm probably 75 percent gray and it's not an issue.

With my situation, there have only been positives since going natural. My hair is more shiny and easier to manage. I no longer have to use products that are intended for "damaged" or "color-treated" hair. I use shampoo for normal hair (hard to find) and use a spray in conditioner made by Biologe. My hair is gorgeous -- bouncy and wavy and shiny and less frizzy. I have natural highlights that people think are on purpose. People still think I'm younger than my age, yet that's inconsequential because I don't care if I look my age. People still flirt with me. I don't feel old and I don't think I look "old". My husband loves my hair. I work in healthcare and I have suffered zero age discrimination that I am aware of in my personal or professional life. Honestly, I don't think anybody cares about my hair or its color.
posted by loveandhappiness at 2:05 PM on September 20, 2021

Counterpoint: my mother, in her late 60s, is a classic beauty with "Black Irish" coloring--very pale skin, green eyes, dark brown, almost black hair. She has always dyed her hair except for maybe a five-year period in her late 50s/early 60s where she was like, this is me, and went gray. It was not a good look for her. She is too pale for gray hair, plus, it was a scary iron gray color, not a beautiful silvery white or anything like that. She owns her own business, so ageism doesn't manifest like it usually does, but she can't look like an old bag. Fortunately she relented and started coloring again. So get some opinions from friends IRL.
posted by 8603 at 2:09 PM on September 20, 2021

I have been growing out my grey for about six months and we are the same age. Honestly, I adore my grey hair, and it’s such a relief not to constantly be keeping up on expensive coloring treatments.

I do feel I am perceived as “older” than I was before, but this has been beneficial in many ways, in terms of commanding respect in the workplace (and beyond). I do recommend some kind of jazz to your hair; for me that’s going to be a short fun cut once my natural hair length is long enough.

One tip; while waiting for your highlights to grow out, you can use Overtone’s silver color depositing conditioner to help with the demarcation line you’ll get.
posted by nancynickerson at 2:12 PM on September 20, 2021

Purple or blue shampoo is your friend for making those greys beautiful silver. $8 bottle from target is Fine!

I’m a young (ish) grey and I love it I think they’re free highlights.
posted by St. Peepsburg at 2:31 PM on September 20, 2021

Mid-40s here. I had been coloring everything dark brown for about 10 years, except for the streak at my temple that went prematurely silver. I let my roots grow out during phase one of the pandemic and had it chopped into a salt-and-pepper pixie as soon as it was long enough and safe to do so. I love it.

I think it looks more flattering with my skin tone because it's natural. It's definitely saving me money, and it makes me feel bolder and more confident, which I like to think comes through at my job (although admittedly I'm mostly remote these days). I do think that keeping up with haircuts and shaping/styling is key to pulling it off, though, no matter what cut you choose.

I love to swim too, and it's been a real bonus to not worry that the sun and chlorine are stripping my expensive color job away every time I get into the water!
posted by Tuba Toothpaste at 2:40 PM on September 20, 2021

43, greyed early and grew it out from blonde in my late 30s. I am actually somewhat sensitive about it and occasionally wonder if I should go back. A kid called me my daughter’s grandma at the playground and I cried! A lot of women tell me they wish they could be brave like me, which is silly.

Other times I’m like, fuck yeah, grey hair!
I’ve been stopped by younger women asking how I got it that way!


I have a hilarious picture in my profile but here is me presentable for office life and in this picture it looks nice.
posted by chesty_a_arthur at 2:55 PM on September 20, 2021

(Also, yes, I work in digital.)
posted by chesty_a_arthur at 2:56 PM on September 20, 2021

I'm 44 with hair that is mostly light brownish with some darker and some blonder bits. I think that the grey really started appearing in earnest around my 40th birthday. It never really occurred to me that I should be dyeing it. Honestly, most people probably can't even tell it's there unless they're looking--it just sort of blends in with all the rest of the variety of my hair and maybe makes it look a little blonder. I am a college professor. I started my job at 34, and I feel like the grey such as it is helps me appear more like an adult and less like my students' slightly older buddy. Unfortunately, it probably also makes me appear more like their moms.
posted by hydropsyche at 3:05 PM on September 20, 2021

A thought - could you go grey and then get a streak or two that are a vibrant non-natural color (blue, purple, green). That might get you past any possible age-discrimination concerns, by showing that you are not staid.

I've seen some great grey and color combos out there.
posted by brookeb at 3:25 PM on September 20, 2021

40 something white woman - I actually added highlights and put smoky grey toner through my hair. Occasionally I put through violet or rose gold toners just for fun. Then grew it all out during the pandemic. Young hair dressers have all pointed out how cool my grey (badger stripes) looks.

This is in the UK so YMMV.
posted by BAKERSFIELD! at 3:28 PM on September 20, 2021

I'm VERY grey in my mid-40s and I grew out during the pandemic and I....hated it! A lot of my hair turned out to be just very dull salt and pepper and I realized I was going to need to do low-lights or something to it to give it some dimension. I also felt like, when my hair was grey, I had to wear more makeup so I had more color in my face (I'm a pale white woman) and like I had to work harder with clothes and accessories to not read as "old" to myself. I also felt like I needed a "cooler" haircut to be the kind of grey-haired woman I wanted to look like. So the whole thing weirdly became more work for me? This was disappointing because I LOVED not having to deal with the upkeep/cost. Having said that, definitely try it -- it's an interesting experiment (I had NO IDEA what was happening under there) and if you don't like it, it's a really easy fix to go back.
posted by Countess Sandwich at 3:51 PM on September 20, 2021

I stopped colouring my hair about five or 6 years ago now (I'm 49) - partly because I was sick of the trouble and the expense and partly because fuck the patriarchy. I worked in a large software company, albeit in a non-tech section, and my mostly male co-workers never seemed to even notice it. I only ever wore minimal makeup but because my eyebrows and eyelashes started going paler and paler, I started getting them tinted and it helped to both make my features sort of pop into focus, but also to look very put together with no effort (ie my entire makeup routine was moisturiser and a swipe of tinted lipgloss). I did, however, spend money on a short sharp haircut, but 30 minutes every 4-6 weeks isn't too bad. Lockdown here in Sydney means that I am about 10 weeks overdue for a haircut and I'm starting to look unkept, which is honestly more annoying.

I do sometimes think about colouring my hair again because I think the white streaks at my temples are heading towards Bride of Frankenstein territory, but honestly I just can't face the mess and regrowth. Apparently I have fallen over the fuck-it horizon. It's nice here.
posted by ninazer0 at 5:26 PM on September 20, 2021

I’m 52 and have a great career in science/tech. I started going gray in my 30s and have never colored my hair. Life was and is too short to get on that expensive, crazymaking treadmill.
posted by Sublimity at 6:04 PM on September 20, 2021

I found my first two grey hairs at the age of 22, and actually said, "You've got to be kidding me" to the mirror. Since then, my hair has steadily become more grey, though going on two decades later it's probably at about 20%, concentrated at the temples. In that time, I've only fully dyed it twice for special events and, frankly, I've felt much more self-conscious about the line as the dye grew out than I ever felt about the grey.

Sometimes I do use Overtone just for fun, either colors or a light brown, which pop on the white strands against my normal darker brown (it sounds like that effect varies by hair though, so strand test). This fades faster than it grows out, so it's entertaining for me without the downsides of regular hair dye.

At least as far as I can tell, I haven't experienced any special bias because of the grey, though I did once have a college student think I was 5 years older than I was at the time. She didn't seem to mind. When I was younger, it did help me to feel more confident in the academic setting. Overall, would grey again.
posted by past unusual at 7:02 PM on September 20, 2021

I work in a female-dominated health profession where most of our patients are older men. I’ve never really colored my hair save for a couple years in my 20s, I’m now 45. I also have learned how to cut my own hair and I rarely wear makeup. I feel pretty confident about myself, and I don’t get fazed when the random patient makes a comment about my hair. My spouse, like the poster above, loves that I don’t dye my hair and we both agree that coloring hair can actually age people more than gray.

That being said, I wish that more women felt more confident in embracing their gray - the more of us out there the less of a minority we will be! If you need some inspiration check out the Grombre Instagram page! Good luck!
posted by canda at 9:31 PM on September 20, 2021

I'm 39 and have quite a few grey hairs. I used to dye my hair red, but have aged into a non-descript brown after a childhood and 20s spent as a natural blonde. About 6 months ago, I chopped my hair and stopped dyeing it. I also stopped washing it too, but I was able to do that because of the short haircut and learning to deal with curly hair. I am also active and have outdoor hobbies, so my hair is regularly sweated through and in salt or chlorine. I have never been happier with my hair -- both how it looks and the reduced mental load of caring for it.

I work in a rather conservative, some would say male-dominated, environment. I have not noticed any negative consequences. To the contrary, I used to find that I had to introduce myself to higher-ups several times before they remembered me. Now, people at work treat me with a deference and respect that I am completely unaccustomed to. It's hard for me to say if it's the grey hairs or the edgier haircut (or the confidence was in me all along!?), but I am 100% appreciating the change.
posted by eulily at 9:41 PM on September 20, 2021

I will say that the women I know who let themselves go fully gray tend to be very pretty women with, for lack of a better word, "good" hair. Lots of volume, curl, just generally "cool" hair that would be "cool" no matter what color. This is kind of in line with the stylish ladies you're seeing, seems like. It doesn't seem to age them substantially but I get the sense that as a plain-looking lady with a completely unremarkable hair style or texture, who is not otherwise cool or fashionable, that I would not get the same pass.

This is true, for sure, but I think a lot of women (both pretty women and plain women) are getting marginal, incremental benefit out of dyeing their hair. If a person loves her dyed hair color, great! But if it feels like an expensive, time-consuming obligation just to get yourself to some kind of "baseline" level of acceptability, I think it's worth considering changing up your look. You can always go back! I don't think there's anything inherently virtuous (or even necessarily pretty) about undyed hair, it's just that dyed hair is a lot of work and usually expensive to get "right" (and the consequences for a "bad" dye job are probably not that different than the consequences of natural hair color).

I think what communities/groups you belong to or depend on matters a lot, too. Dyeing your hair (to Fox News Blonde or whatever) can be a way that you indicate that you are or aspire to be part of an in-group, which is important or necessary for some people; not dyeing your hair (or not straightening it, blow-drying it, spending a half-hour with a curling iron every day, etc.), can signal that you don't really care about that aesthetic, which can be safe or dangerous, depending on the situation.
posted by mskyle at 5:45 AM on September 21, 2021

I'm in my mid-thirties, working in a very visible role with corporate client accounts. I have never dyed my black hair and my 40-percent grey is very obvious. I dress pretty well but I am definitely not 'cool' or super stylish. Most of the women in my office are younger but there are several who are older, and none of them have visible grey except for me. I grew up with social anxiety so I didn't think I would be okay with being the odd one out, but I have never had any negative experiences that make it worth the expense and hassle of dyeing my hair regularly. I do think I would look good with all black again, but I also like the way I look now enough to let it go. Certainly there have never been any issues at work, and I get plenty of opportunities to succeed and grow.

Now that I come to think of it, maybe preferring to be grey is also something to do with me being the only WOC at my office. I already look different in a way that may impact me professionally - what's a little grey on top? Or maybe being okay with being grey is a form of quiet rebellion, considering all the other ways I have to assimilate which I can't control. Not sure how helpful that is to you, OP, but you've given me something to think about!
posted by guessthis at 6:26 AM on September 21, 2021

I stopped dying my hair during the pandemic and I realized how much I hated dying my hair - the time, the expense, just thinking about it - and so I am not going back. Now is the time! I'm almost entirely gray and have been since my early 40s (I'm 51 now.) My hair isn't that wiry gray, so lucky for me.

But, a lot of this has to do with your circumstances and the look you're trying to achieve, if there is one. It just so happens that no one cares what my hair looks like, in terms of my personal or professional relationships/advancement.

So I do hear what you're saying. If the rest of your hair is brownish blonde and only 20% of your hair is gray, I would stop dying it and see what it looks like/feels like. Seriously. It's so much work and upkeep and every time you look at yourself in the mirror it reminds you of something you need done. You can always go back.

And you can cultivate a look around your new hair! chesty_a_arthur I think you look amazing.
posted by lyssabee at 8:11 AM on September 21, 2021

I'm 46 with black hair and stopped dyeing 2 years ago. I LOVE how much time, effort, and money I save. I love that my hair feels strong and healthy. There has been zero impact professionally (I'm also a woman in tech). And I get compliments! I've had people tell me they like my salt and pepper look.

But: I do struggle sometimes. I am in the minority around my peers and my choice to not dye definitely gets noticed and commented on. Some of the comments are negative (mostly from extended family members). And I don't like how I look in photos; my grey growth does not look cool and stylish, it just looks...like I'm going grey. I have curly-wavy hair, and edgy/blunt cuts are not my thing, so I just look like...a normal aging woman. I love being in my 40s so this shouldn't bother me but sometimes it just does! Societal brainwashing I'm sure, but I can't escape it.

So, I don't totally love it but the pros definitely outweigh the cons for me. I think you should try it!
posted by yawper at 9:22 AM on September 21, 2021

Me: 25-year software developer, age 55, AFAB nonbinary but female-presenting/read as female. I have salt and pepper with gray roots but bleach the ends and dye them purple or pink or magenta. I also have hip glasses frames. It helps that I don’t work for tech companies, but rather [other] companies that have big tech teams. I think having other signifiers that read “not out of touch” balances any perceptions of age as a negative thing.
posted by matildaben at 10:29 AM on September 21, 2021

I'm in my late 40s, and would call my natural hair color "dark brown with increasing grey." A few years ago we had the last major family event that would involve professional photography and after that I told my stylist that I wanted to gradually go natural, without obvious "grow out roots." She is _very good_ at color, and over a few year period we're at about my halfway point between natural and remnants of color.

What we've done is to dye to as close to my natural color as possible one last time, and then I go in semi regularly for toner touch ups. She will put in a few foils occasionally to blend large obvious parts, but IMO it's never been obvious what we're doing.

I too am a "must wash/condition every day or I go insane" so my two key tricks are regular uses of a deep conditioner (I'm super curly) and then a product from DpHue that is an at home toner. It's expensive, but I probably only use it a few times in a month, and both the color in my hair, and the product itself, lasts a long time.

A final note - I'm in R&D where the women are minority. We're also a fairly conservative company (not a lot of visible tattoos or fantasy hair colors) but I've found that as I've gotten closer to 50 I really don't care anymore. I own it. I'm weird and quirky and people probably talk more about my extensive cat-related professional wardrobe than my hair. I'm happy. If you want to do it, do it. It's your hair. Make yourself happy!
posted by librarianamy at 11:14 AM on September 21, 2021

I got so tired of dyeing my hair that I finally let it go gray. It made me a bit nervous to do so, but I afterward I was amazed at how many compliments (from men, too) I got. I haven't experienced any discrimination that I'm aware of. I did have to change the colors of my wardrobe to compliment my gray hair (good-bye beige, hello jewel-tone). I love having gray hair! If you go gray, wear it with confidence!!
posted by SageTrail at 12:01 PM on September 21, 2021

Hey, I just wanted to share this awesome story :)
posted by foxjacket at 2:04 PM on September 21, 2021

Thank you SO much to everyone who has responded so far (and if you haven't yet and want to, I'm still avidly reading responses)! What a joyful and life-affirming collection of replies, it cheers me to think of so many of you reading and commenting on MetaFilter with your kickass gray, silver, and every other color of hair. Lots of great stuff to reflect on here.
posted by rogerroger at 2:20 PM on September 21, 2021

OK 65+ male retired from tech here. I want to echo that if you're capable and confident your hair shouldn't, and might not, matter in tech if you're in a good organization. My group always valued those who could get the job done, their hair color absolutely didn't matter - but I perhaps was just fortunate to work in a great group?

In any event - my main opinion is that you might want to consider not coloring your hair because of the damage the chemicals can cause; the older you get the more you will appreciate having healthy hair. I went through a period when divorced where I grew a ponytail and went to a more expensive hair salon to make sure it was done right. The stylist admired my silver hair for its health, and recommended that I _not_ try to color it to look younger. She was right, it didn't make any difference in the tech department and healthy hair was a plus in the personal relationship department
posted by TimHare at 9:18 PM on September 21, 2021

I'm 41 and started noticing greys around age 38. My natural colour is a dark blonde, so the greys are not too noticeable, but they are definitely starting to be more obvious around my face. I am very femme-presenting and wear a vintage look (winged liner, red lipstick, original 50s wardrobe, heels) but so far I have decided not to colour my hair.

I've actually never coloured my hair before because I always liked my natural shade, and I'm wary of the cost and maintenance. Related to this, I hate the idea of needing to rely on an expensive beauty service to maintain my look – I don't want to look unkempt or less polished because I'm between appointments or because I don't want to spend a few hundred bucks this week; I like the idea of always being able to create the same level of presentation without relying on someone else. (For the same reason, I do not get manicures or use nail polish).

So far, so good – I don't think people notice my greys and I don't think I look older because of them. I work in tech, my boyfriend is 25 and most of the people I hang out with are younger, so I'm definitely conscious of not wanting to look older than I need to – but, so far at least, I think letting my natural greys show actually makes me come off better than if I tried to cover them up.
posted by RubyScarlet at 10:22 PM on September 21, 2021

I have brown hair with a growing amount of gray, mostly at the temples. Pre-pandemic, I got highlights, which, like yours, got kind of brassy after a short while. During the lock-down, when I couldn't get it professionally colored, I looked into a product that I used in the 90s, called Sebastian Cellophane. It's not permanent and doesn't harm the hair. No chemicals at all. Back then, I used the clear product, and it made my hair very healthy and shiny for a few weeks/a month. I found that they have several shades, and I purchased Caramel Brown. You wash your hair and apply the product all over or where you want it. I usually just put in on the top/back, because my longer layers are much less gray. No need to sit under a dryer, just let it sit on your hair for 45 minutes to an hour, the longer the better. If using on your whole head, a shower cap would be helpful to keep it from dripping. Rinse and condition. It really covers the gray for a while, and when the grays start showing through it looks like blond highlights. I got it on Amazon, $20 for a bottle plus shipping (it's not prime), and I reapply every 3-4 weeks or less if I'm lazy. I have also seen it for cheaper on Ebay. For me, a bottle lasts for several uses. You can't buy it at a beauty supply store without a salon license or something like that. I have to admit I have never had so many compliments on my hair before using this product. Random strangers, cashiers at CVS, etc. tell me they love my hair and the color. I am not going back to the salon for color. The other benefit is that, as my continues to get more gray, I will be able to gradually go gray, as this stuff washes out over time. I won't have to wait for colored hair to grow out.
posted by parkerposey at 6:10 PM on September 22, 2021

The NYT published this article this part week: Ditched the Dye During Covid? Maybe Stay Gray. I think they did a good job with the article in taking a pro-grey stance.
posted by Goblin Barbarian at 9:55 AM on September 26, 2021