How to be happy single?

July 24, 2021 8:43 AM

Im only a few weeks out of a quite destructive relationship and really struggling not to get back on the dating apps. I am also having some very shaming thoughts about myself which I think are not necessarily true and not healthy. Please help.

I know I have a pattern of jumping from one thing to the next and that I need to get to know myself more, but I really struggle with feelings of loneliness and anxiety about being 37 and missing the boat on children etc. which makes me feel I dont have the luxury of being able to take the time to feel good about myself again / feel comfy being single. I have had periods of being single before, but I've usually dated around a lot in them so I don't know if that counts? This time I feel I need to go cold turkey almost just to prove it to myself I can do it for like, six months at least.

I have frozen 28 eggs at 35 / 36 so perhaps less of a rush is needed but I worry guys will look at my age and be put off if they want children?

I keep thinking of myself as a desperate, sad codependent who has no self identity, which I don't think is entirely true. I have a thriving career, nice friends, a house I bought myself, some interests which I definitely want to nurture more as they got pushed to the side during lockdown / distracted by mad dating over the past few years.

I feel I sometimes stay in things for too long because I'm frightened of being lonely and it gets worse as I get older.

On the other hand I have ended a fair few of my relationships after realising they're not right so perhaps I'm not entirely desperate?

Anyway tips on being happy single, and also how I can manage this anxiety about getting older would be great.

And do I really need to stop dating to work on my codependence? It would just be so fun to go on one a week, but I feel like I would just be giving into an addiction here which is not a healthy way to date. I am noticing feeling empty and alone and know if need to face up to this but don't know how, and feel it's counterproductive to be single just so I can be ready to date as the whole point is genuinely being happy on my own, not doing everything for a hypothetical partner.

Please help me build some more useful thoughts and find clarity.

posted by starstarstar to Human Relations (12 answers total)

Hey there,

There is another recent AskMe from someone asking similar questions here. But it sounds like they are not so newly out of a bad relationship, so I'd suggest also speaking with a close friend or a therapist about the raw emotional stuff you're going through now.

Also, consider - you are going through some raw emotional stuff now, and that isn't necessarily the best conditions for you to be dating in. It's like you broke your ankle and you're trying to run a marathon right away - it wouldn't go well, because of your broken ankle. But you can try again once the ankle heals. Maybe telling yourself this is the same kind of thing will nip the urgent "try to date" feelings in the bud.

Good luck.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 8:56 AM on July 24, 2021 [2 favorites]

It helped me when I reframed things a bit away from the idea of happiness. I wasn't happy when I was dating, so why was happiness a precondition for me to be ok with being single? Instead, I tried to think about it as taking care of myself, or even parenting myself. For me, dating can be a great distraction from all kinds of things, and not just the emotional emptiness/weight of feeling lonely. It also a distraction from stuff like spending time on my hobbies, making myself great meals, messing around in my garden, etc. When I decided to think of my single life as a life where I was well looked after, that really helped things along. And time will help, too. It's very common to feel extra adrift right after a breakup, especially if the relationship was tumultuous. If a good parent has a kid who is floundering because they just suffered a crisis, that parent will make sure that the child eats well, gets fresh air, cries and processes their emotions, and spends some time doing fun things. The point isn't necessarily to be happy, it is to be cared for, and we have great capacity to care for ourselves. I you feel a little better soon.
posted by twelve cent archie at 9:13 AM on July 24, 2021 [15 favorites]

I’m so sorry you’re feeling this way. When I found myself divorced in my 30’s, I floundered for a good many months, tried to jump into another relationship, got my heart broken even worse, and then realized this was my big chance to really get it right and I needed to take my time. Not just for finding the right person, but figuring out who I am and what I want. I threw myself into hobbies and friendships, and I’m really happy I did. I emerged from the worst years of my life feeling more confident and happy than I ever have before. It sounds so cliche, but being fulfilled with myself meant that I didn’t repeat past bad decisions or make new bad decisions based on fear of being alone. Being single in my 30’s wasn’t a nightmare as I’d assumed it would be, it was actually a lot of fun. I had so much freedom, I made lots of new friendships and had great times with old friends, I did whatever I wanted with my money, time, and energy, and learned how to really take care of myself. I gained a ton of confidence from being independent, and trying new things and succeeding. A lot of what you describe in yourself resonates a lot with me, and as you already realize, there are parts of you that need nurturing. You, and you alone, are the best person to do that.
posted by keep it under cover at 9:53 AM on July 24, 2021 [2 favorites]

Im only a few weeks out of a quite destructive relationship and really struggling not to get back on the dating apps... This time I feel I need to go cold turkey almost just to prove it to myself I can do it for like, six months at least.

I find that when I'm struggling to abstain or stay away from something (or someone) it helps to set a fairly short time-based goal and just start there. For this situation that could be a few weeks or a month, short enough to feel manageable but long enough to experience some change in your feelings and mindset. So, you're not going to stop dating "until you find happiness being single" (that's a tall order!), you're just going to take a month off. Then really do take a month off and stick with it, see how you feel at the end, and then maybe take another month off—or not.

There's this idea floating around that you're only really worthy of having a relationship if you're equally happy with being single and I think that's BS. If you want a lover and partner your friends will not fill that need, and if you want children and a family life your hobbies won't be an adequate substitute no matter how much you enjoy them.

But at some point you have to find a sense of peace with the reality that not everyone will find a compatible spouse and/or co-parent within the time-frame they want. You could keep meeting people who are terrible for you, or meet someone who is a great match but dies suddenly in an accident, or meet your soulmate when you are long past child-bearing age, or meet the man of your dreams tomorrow and live happily ever after. That's no reflection you as an individual, it's just an aspect of the limited time and control we all ultimately have over the course of our lives. That's where to focus your inner strength, on accepting that things might or might not work out as you hope and on truly accepting yourself in all of those circumstances.
posted by 4rtemis at 10:11 AM on July 24, 2021 [9 favorites]

You honestly sounds like you're doing amazing already - so I wonder if it might help to reframe the goal from feeling happy about being single to just feel happy while being single. I was single more or less my entire 20s, and while I never was happy about that fact, I was generally happy with friends, hobbies, career ambitions, etc. And that was enough for me to not feel pressure to jump into a relationship that wasn't right. If you can feel happy most of the time while being single (you're allowed the occasional mope), then I think going on a date once a week is perfectly healthy.

As to this: I have frozen 28 eggs at 35 / 36 so perhaps less of a rush is needed but I worry guys will look at my age and be put off if they want children?

Why not put that in your profile? Any guy that is weirded out that you've frozen eggs is a guy worth weeding out. It shows you're responsible and are good about taking actions in the present to ensure the future you want.
posted by coffeecat at 10:41 AM on July 24, 2021 [3 favorites]

I have a friend who is honestly content with being single. He says that sure, it would be really nice to have a relationship, and he's using dating apps here and there and says sometimes he does feel lonely, but it doesn't eat up his life. He would like to have kids someday.

This is tricky to articulate, but my theory for *all* codependent people is that they aren't living fully in alignment with their values. The main thing that helps me break out of the emotional pain of being single is the idea that "you will get what you will get". It takes the pressure off knowing that the universe will deliver whatever will need to be delivered. This isn't anything spiritual, it's just determinism. I do wonder if you are forcing anything––are you doing anything else in your life that doesn't feel natural? I believe that when you are being your most natural self (which is what everyone seems to be saying when they suggest 'throwing yourself into hobbies, making new friendships, etc') you will get what is meant for you, what is healthy for you. At worst you'll be content. Are you being completely honest with yourself?

Codependent people hide themselves. They stuff down their true feelings, don't ask for what they need and want from others, and don't take care of themselves. I wonder, in what ways might you be avoiding taking responsibility for yourself? Maybe you are not eating right and exercising enough? Maybe you are not putting yourself in enough positive social situations? Maybe you are not developing your talents, or not risking putting yourself out there professionally or academically? What's your blind spot?

Codependents will look to others to patch up that blind spot. It won't work.
posted by saturday sun at 11:33 AM on July 24, 2021 [5 favorites]

I'd say you were only just at the beginning of the "missing the boat on children" stage at 37. Lots of women on dating sites between 37-42 wanting kids, and you still have plenty of time as long as you're not absolutely fixated on one specific type or age.

So you certainly have time to spend a year or two working out what you want from life and getting over things, which doesn't sound like a bad idea
posted by tillsbury at 7:10 PM on July 24, 2021 [1 favorite]

You're just a few weeks out of a destructive relationship.

I think the big thing you have in front of you is healing, which will take a little time. How much depends on you and your last relationship. It's okay to experience grief, anger, pain, loneliness, even fear.

Show yourself some love and care. Maybe seek out a therapist to work through whatever you need to from your last relationship, so you can be better prepared to find a relationship that is right for you. Spend time with friends and family, and do things that feed you.

Now is not forever. Hang in there.
posted by bunderful at 6:26 AM on July 25, 2021

I got divorced two years ago from someone who was critical and ill-tempered, and it was SO FREEING. I can do whatever the fuck I want. I can cook what I want without worrying about whether someone else will like it. I can get up or go to sleep at any time without worrying about disturbing someone I'm sharing the bed with. I can take up the whole goddamn bed. I can read a funny book in bed and get the giggles without someone complaining that I'm shaking the bed. I can watch the TV that I want to watch. Etc. Maybe you can reframe it this way a bit?
posted by radioamy at 9:32 AM on July 25, 2021

I keep thinking of myself as a desperate, sad codependent who has no self identity

I know you don't really need to be told this but you sound so super cool to me. I hope you are able to start seeing that in the mirror soon.

Anyway tips on being happy single, and also how I can manage this anxiety about getting older would be great.

Figure out what you miss about being in relationships and find it elsewhere. Touch? Massage. Sex? Get an awesome vibrator, maybe buy a few and find the one which you love the most. Company? Nurture your best friendships like delicate houseplants, make new ones via interest groups or communities. Conversation? Therapy!! Or, you know, the right friend :)

And do I really need to stop dating to work on my codependence?

Well, what about this: go on a date or two, and have a brutally honest debrief with yourself after. Did this make me happy, on the whole? Was there a net gain, even if I don't see this person again? Was it worth it? If yes, carry on. If not, take a month off then do it again.
posted by greenish at 11:41 AM on July 25, 2021

I agree with the person who says mention the eggs in your profile, I’d say something like “I’d like to settle down and have kids in the next few years (and have frozen eggs waiting for that day), but for the moment am just looking for a positive human connection [or whatever].”

Some guys might be put off by that, but I think you want to weed those guys out anyway.
posted by hungrytiger at 5:50 PM on July 25, 2021

Response by poster: Hi everyone, just wanted to say thanks for your comments here - I found them all so helpful and supportive, especially the bits about not seeing myself in such a binary way and letting go of guilt at wanting a partner etc.

I found this particularly helpful by 4artemis:

'But at some point you have to find a sense of peace with the reality that not everyone will find a compatible spouse and/or co-parent within the time-frame they want. You could keep meeting people who are terrible for you, or meet someone who is a great match but dies suddenly in an accident, or meet your soulmate when you are long past child-bearing age, or meet the man of your dreams tomorrow and live happily ever after. That's no reflection you as an individual, it's just an aspect of the limited time and control we all ultimately have over the course of our lives. That's where to focus your inner strength, on accepting that things might or might not work out as you hope and on truly accepting yourself in all of those circumstances.'

I did take a little time entirely off dating, and got some good self care things into place plus started a course in a hobby I really care about, and all of a sudden felt so much happier and less panicked. I honestly think that yoga and exercise were a huge part of that, but also just deciding to stop telling myself inaccurate stories about 'why' I am where I where I am, that it's somehow wrong, and that I'm not matching up to what is expected of me (by whom? and why would they expect it?)

I'm actually feeling really young at the moment and like I have so much life ahead of me. I have been dating but making better decisions, I think, and recently met someone who seems very kind and has an uncanny level of similar life experience to me. He gets some of the unique situations I've had to deal with in the past few years (looking after very sick people) which had steered my life 'offcourse'. It's early days but I'm really glad I'm feeling attracted to someone who seems secure and caring, as it shows there is nothing wrong with me, I just kept meeting the wrong guys.

Also the family thing feels less of a pressure. Maybe I'll adopt. Maybe I'll meet someone with kids of their own. Maybe I'll write a book and that will be my baby. Maybe I'll use my eggs. I'm happy with life unfolding as it should, and concentrating on daily happiness which is the only thing I have any semblance of control over really.
posted by starstarstar at 2:39 AM on November 26, 2021 [1 favorite]