“Use only my last name in theater situations please”?

July 16, 2021 3:25 PM

I have an acquaintance who is an actor/stage fighter/choreographer who has recently made a post stating that, in work environments, she prefers to go solely by her last name. It seems very important to her. Of course I will comply. But.

I was wondering what her motivation might be? Especially because it’s only in a theater context. All I can think is her first name is very typical and her last name is more theatrical sounding. But she treated it with the weight with which transgender people treat their pronouns (respectfully) and it made me wonder is this like, a theater thing? Or some other gender or identity thing coming through as a theater thing?

posted by jitterbug perfume to Human Relations (18 answers total)

Could be gender-related, it could also just be that she strongly dislikes her first name and/or prefers her last name, for any other reason. There’s really no way to know without asking her — which you should only do if you know her well enough to be sure she’s open to discussing it with you.

Perhaps she’s had issues in the past with people ignoring her name preference, so she felt the need to be more serious about it this time.
posted by mekily at 3:31 PM on July 16, 2021

Could be she doesn't want a separate "stage name", and/or her first name is a bit old-fashioned.
posted by kschang at 3:36 PM on July 16, 2021

Chuckled a little bit at first, due to the "very important theatre-person" stereotype. Chuckles aside, she really may prefer the androgyny (and command!) of her last name. I'd push her vision.

If in social situations she is using it with the seriousness of "identity/pronoun" tone, it could be relevant to personal identity or a sense of allyship.
posted by firstdaffodils at 3:39 PM on July 16, 2021

As someone who is non-binary and who changed my name at work in a similar way, I would like to request that you simply mind your business. The people who were nosy about it made my life at work worse. If your acquaintance wants you to know the logic behind it, they will tell you.
posted by twelve cent archie at 3:41 PM on July 16, 2021

Yeah, just one of those things that like, the why part - it's not your problem. Just do it and move on.
posted by latkes at 3:44 PM on July 16, 2021

Sometimes it's just that someone is known in work contexts as "Smithy" and if you say to their work friends, "Oh yes, Esmerelda Smith is lovely!" they'll be like "ESMERELDA? HER NAME IS ESMERELDA?" and get totally distracted into the personal things instead of talking about the work.

My sister has a really unique family nickname (not cutesy or demeaning! Just unusual!), that everyone up through her college roommates called her, but she she started her professional career (in marketing and communications, nothing as exciting as stage-fighting), she firmly instructed everyone that they were NOT ALLOWED to call her the family nickname if they called her on the phone, etc.; they had to call her by her full name or a more traditional nickname. Like pretend her name is "Elizabeth," and she's "Lilibet" to her family but maybe would be "Betsy" or "Liz" at work. Even her husband had to practice not calling her "Lilibet" and instead calling and asking for "Betsy" or "Elizabeth." If someone calls and asks for "Lilibet," everyone in her office is like, "YOUR FRIENDS CALL YOU LILIBET?" and it becomes a whole giant thing for several days and it's just annoying and distracts from the fact that she's extremely good at her job.

My SIL, who uses her maiden name professionally, went through a whole thing where someone she worked with found out she uses her married name socially, started calling her that, and massively muddied the waters around her professional name, and her relationship with my brother. (This was probably deliberate as the person who did it did not like her.) Her work eventually had to alias a second e-mail account to her because people kept e-mailing the wrong address, and my brother kept getting e-mails for his wife at his TOTALLY SEPARATE workplace. It was absolutely maddening for her and probably cost her clients because they couldn't reach her, or couldn't research her work online.
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 4:18 PM on July 16, 2021

Add to the second: the above post makes it feel it's potentially a maiden name/marketing concern.

"My SIL, who uses her maiden name professionally, went through a whole thing where someone she worked with found out she uses her married name socially, started calling her that, and massively muddied the waters around her professional name, and her relationship with my brother. (This was probably deliberate as the person who did it did not like her.) Her work eventually had to alias a second e-mail account to her because people kept e-mailing the wrong address, and my brother kept getting e-mails for his wife at his TOTALLY SEPARATE workplace. It was absolutely maddening for her and probably cost her clients because they couldn't reach her, or couldn't research her work online." This is just.. wow. This is why we cue into these social requests immediately.
posted by firstdaffodils at 4:28 PM on July 16, 2021

I mean, none of us can answer this. Nobody knows her motivation but her. But if I had to guess, I’d say she’s probably working hard to build a “personal brand” and thinks being mononymic is conducive to that. Also, it’s not that unusual to refer to people by last name. I still call one of my high school friends “Walsh”, even though he’s married and has a kid and a career and stuff. He’s Walsh, that’s just who he is.
posted by kevinbelt at 4:28 PM on July 16, 2021

Yeah, I almost always end up [Lastname] at work even though I don’t really care for it, it’s just a name that lends itself to “Hey [Lastname]!” Maybe she wants to lean into that, it’s fine, don’t be intrusive just on the off-chance it’s something more sensitive. If she wants to tell you, she will.

Incidentally, I publish academically as [First M. Lastname] because there are several other [First Lastname]s out there, so the distinctive middle initial helps. Getting people I work with to stick with that is a pain, when I’m not the corresponding author, so I have at least one paper with inconsistent branding and it sucks.

Bottom line, she doesn’t need a reason and she doesn’t owe you an explanation. If she wants you to know, she’ll tell you.
posted by Alterscape at 4:45 PM on July 16, 2021

Earlier in life, I had a very common first name (5 others in my class!) at a girls' school, and we all went by full names or last names or nicknames to distinguish ourselves. I got used to my last name. Later in life, my gender feelings caught up with me but I hadn't changed my first name yet, so it was a way to reduce stress.

Also, my last name is a noun and very funny, so how could I not. Now I've transitioned and changed my name-- it's a very weird but pleasant to have a first name! So that could be a reason.
posted by blnkfrnk at 4:58 PM on July 16, 2021

You mention theater, so I'm wondering if it's a union thing. Actors Equity (the actors union) requires all members to enroll with an Official Name for themselves - and there is a rule that Equity cannot have two members who have exactly the same name, so if someone else with her same name is already a member she would have had to enroll with a different name - even if only slightly different - and use that name professionally.

If someone has already signed up with Equity with your name, there's a lot of things you can do - some people just use their middle name or middle initial as part of their Professional Name; that's why you never call "Samuel L. Jackson" just plain "Sam Jackson" or why "Michael J. Fox" isn't just "Michael Fox", or why "Anthony Michael Hall" isn't just "Anthony Hall" or whatever. Some people will go by a different name (Nathan Lane's given name is actually "Joseph Lane", David Tennant's given name is actually "David McDonald", etc.). It's possible that your friend has chosen just her last name as a mononym professional name.

I mean, not that the actors who've had to monkey with their names like this have to also only have anyone address them that way at all times; an actor I worked with had to do the middle-initial thing for his professional name, but was only fussy about it being that way in the program. In rehearsals people called him by his first name (or, when he was being impishly naughty, I would address him by his last name alone....). But maybe your friend realized that her own chosen professional name is unusual enough that she really wants it to stick.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 5:19 PM on July 16, 2021

People are allowed to be called by whatever name they choose. Even if it’s just “because I want to.” I would just do it and not bother yourself why.
posted by missjenny at 6:51 PM on July 16, 2021

I strongly prefer family names only or title + family name in professional settings. First names feel intimate and rude to me at work and I hate it. But I’m in North America and it’s full of weird false intimacy and elaborate shows of friendliness so I deal. But more power to your colleague for whatever reason they’ve chosen to go by their last name.
posted by congen at 8:55 PM on July 16, 2021

One friend of mine uses an alias for performing because she doesn't want her acting career to get her in trouble at her day job/professional career. Could just be some kind of thing like that. Maybe she wants to be less gendered in her theater career (I note the friend is female in a male-dominated industry and uses a very masculine-sounding fake first name and her given last name, but now she thinks she needs a new alias because of stalkers.).
posted by jenfullmoon at 9:25 PM on July 16, 2021

I (used to) absolutely hate my surname, but it's my brand too as it's unique, so it's very valuable. Now I play up to it, I know people say get Mr X! I use both my names but I perfectly understand your acquaintance.

I think the single name thing also forces a degree of separation; restricts people from being overly familiar.
posted by unearthed at 9:54 PM on July 16, 2021

It costs basically nothing to call people by whatever they want to be called and mind your own business. If this was a friend you might have room for a quiet conversation about motivations so you can support them in their goals, but a professional acquaintance, probably not.
posted by mhoye at 7:17 AM on July 17, 2021

I have always detested my first name and started going by my last name in college. I have been Lastname for almost 30 years now. It is definitely annoying when people find out and get all, " Oh how come you don't go by your first name? Firstname is a great name! My aunt was named Firstname blah, blah blah." Really it's none of anyone else's business and I don't see why people can't understand that. I realize your're asking more because you wonder if it might be an industry specific thing, but best to just let it go. It doesn't matter why she did it. Just call her the name she asks to be called.
posted by WalkerWestridge at 7:07 PM on July 17, 2021

I changed what I was called from a cute nickname to my given adult name (like … my given name was Jackson and I had been going by Jackie everywhere and was tired of it) and it was an amazing amount of effort given that I literally had to change nothing else - not my official name, nothing about my identity, no paperwork. But wow did I have to be insistent. Maybe that’s what’s going on with your acquaintance, maybe she is just tired of her current name and wishes to be called a different name - and is tired of defending her decision to all the people who say “But Jaaaaaaaackieeeeeeeeee, your name is so CUTE!”
posted by Vatnesine at 5:06 PM on July 19, 2021