Taking the plunge?
May 31, 2021 2:55 PM Subscribe
I have reached the point where I really need to make a decision regarding whether to pursue transfeminine hormone therapy. I feel very torn, and could really use some input/perspective/advice.
I could probably tell a pretty compelling “I was always trans” story if I wanted: blankets as makeshift dresses, all female friends and role models, persistent distaste for all of my secondary sex characteristics since puberty, etc. I don’t, and have never, had a sense of myself as innately a woman (or as innately a man), so for several years I have identified as non-binary. I’m definitely on the feminine end of the spectrum. I identify very strongly with a lot of female-coded personality traits, and I find myself happiest with my appearance when people “misgender” me.
I’ve undergone a lot of personal growth on this front in the past year. Before, I mostly just adopted a sort of “academic softboy”, “oh he seems really gay but turns out he dates women” kind of style. I wasn’t totally happy that way, but most of the people I find myself interested in are cis women or very femme trans guys/AFAB non-binary people, and I figured that very few people in that category would be interested if I were any more outwardly femme. The people I dated in college discouraged me from upping my androgyny.
For the past year, though, I’ve been dating a wonderful cis woman who is actively into, not just tolerant of, my androgyny and femme-ness. We have talked seriously about a future together. She gave me the little push I needed to finally embrace myself: I totally revamped my wardrobe, grew out my hair, and am generally much happier and feel much more myself than I ever have.
All of this progress has made me think about hormones. I have never liked my body hair, and started surreptitiously shaving my legs in middle school. For 4+ years now I have been shaving my facial hair super close and covering the shadow with concealer. I wish my skin were softer and less oily. My gf is strongly in favor of my starting on hormones, as she is excited about the potential physical changes and knows how happy it would make me.
There are really two things holding me back. The big thing is fertility. I unequivocally do not want IUI/IVF, as it is expensive, carries a significant risk of failure, and is more “clinical” than conceiving without assistance. Sperm banking would not be financially out of reach for me, but it would be a stretch, especially considering that kids would be ~10 years off, and it would be a ton of money to spend on what feels like a vanity. It seems like the use of clomid to restore fertility in MTF patients on long-term HRT is promising, but unproven.
The other thing is that it feels like a much less reversible step in the direction of acknowledging my transness. I keep thinking about what would happen if things didn’t work out with my gf. What other women would be interested in a kind-of in-between person who has no interest in bottom surgery and doesn’t really firmly identify with either gender? Would I be able to go back anyways? It feels like one thing to say, “Oh, yeah, for a while I dressed kind of femme, but my style has changed”, and quite another to say, “Oh, yeah, I took estrogen for several years and had (or still have) tits, but that’s in the past, don’t worry about it.” A common refrain I hear is that you can always just date other trans folks, and I am of course totally open to that, but it isn’t really comforting to think that I’d be restricting my dating pool that severely.
So I think all of this leaves me with basically 4 options:
(1) Just suck it up and wait until after I try to conceive
(2) Take spiro (which appears not to negatively impact male fertility at normal doses) but wait on estrogen, foregoing some of the desired feminizing effects in exchange for more security wrt. fertility
(3) Go all-in on HRT, bank sperm, and try to pause HRT and restore fertility when the time comes
(4) Same as above but skip the sperm banking and just risk it
Like I said, (3) just feels kind of like a big waste of money to me, though it would do the most to address all of my concerns. (1) feels like the most reasonable course of action, but feels very sad and discouraging. I really just don’t know what to do, and I wake up every day feeling differently about the whole thing. Maybe (probably) I’m thinking about some of the issues involved in a way that is limited or distorted, and getting outside input from others would help me get some clarity. So, if you have any advice, I am very grateful, and I’m sorry you had to slog through all that!
I could probably tell a pretty compelling “I was always trans” story if I wanted: blankets as makeshift dresses, all female friends and role models, persistent distaste for all of my secondary sex characteristics since puberty, etc. I don’t, and have never, had a sense of myself as innately a woman (or as innately a man), so for several years I have identified as non-binary. I’m definitely on the feminine end of the spectrum. I identify very strongly with a lot of female-coded personality traits, and I find myself happiest with my appearance when people “misgender” me.
I’ve undergone a lot of personal growth on this front in the past year. Before, I mostly just adopted a sort of “academic softboy”, “oh he seems really gay but turns out he dates women” kind of style. I wasn’t totally happy that way, but most of the people I find myself interested in are cis women or very femme trans guys/AFAB non-binary people, and I figured that very few people in that category would be interested if I were any more outwardly femme. The people I dated in college discouraged me from upping my androgyny.
For the past year, though, I’ve been dating a wonderful cis woman who is actively into, not just tolerant of, my androgyny and femme-ness. We have talked seriously about a future together. She gave me the little push I needed to finally embrace myself: I totally revamped my wardrobe, grew out my hair, and am generally much happier and feel much more myself than I ever have.
All of this progress has made me think about hormones. I have never liked my body hair, and started surreptitiously shaving my legs in middle school. For 4+ years now I have been shaving my facial hair super close and covering the shadow with concealer. I wish my skin were softer and less oily. My gf is strongly in favor of my starting on hormones, as she is excited about the potential physical changes and knows how happy it would make me.
There are really two things holding me back. The big thing is fertility. I unequivocally do not want IUI/IVF, as it is expensive, carries a significant risk of failure, and is more “clinical” than conceiving without assistance. Sperm banking would not be financially out of reach for me, but it would be a stretch, especially considering that kids would be ~10 years off, and it would be a ton of money to spend on what feels like a vanity. It seems like the use of clomid to restore fertility in MTF patients on long-term HRT is promising, but unproven.
The other thing is that it feels like a much less reversible step in the direction of acknowledging my transness. I keep thinking about what would happen if things didn’t work out with my gf. What other women would be interested in a kind-of in-between person who has no interest in bottom surgery and doesn’t really firmly identify with either gender? Would I be able to go back anyways? It feels like one thing to say, “Oh, yeah, for a while I dressed kind of femme, but my style has changed”, and quite another to say, “Oh, yeah, I took estrogen for several years and had (or still have) tits, but that’s in the past, don’t worry about it.” A common refrain I hear is that you can always just date other trans folks, and I am of course totally open to that, but it isn’t really comforting to think that I’d be restricting my dating pool that severely.
So I think all of this leaves me with basically 4 options:
(1) Just suck it up and wait until after I try to conceive
(2) Take spiro (which appears not to negatively impact male fertility at normal doses) but wait on estrogen, foregoing some of the desired feminizing effects in exchange for more security wrt. fertility
(3) Go all-in on HRT, bank sperm, and try to pause HRT and restore fertility when the time comes
(4) Same as above but skip the sperm banking and just risk it
Like I said, (3) just feels kind of like a big waste of money to me, though it would do the most to address all of my concerns. (1) feels like the most reasonable course of action, but feels very sad and discouraging. I really just don’t know what to do, and I wake up every day feeling differently about the whole thing. Maybe (probably) I’m thinking about some of the issues involved in a way that is limited or distorted, and getting outside input from others would help me get some clarity. So, if you have any advice, I am very grateful, and I’m sorry you had to slog through all that!
With regard to your concerns about fertility, I noticed something missing in your question. You clearly want to be a parent eventually. But being a good parent is often about being confident in yourself and your choices, and sharing all your knowledge with your kid. If you were in charge of a small human dependent, and you hadn’t pursued transition to the extent that you were satisfied and at home in your own body, would you be acting as the best parent you could be? Being a biological parent with regrets, vs being a possibly maybe adoptive parent with no regrets, is that what the choice boils down to? Seems like either way you could have plenty of familial love in your future.
The same kind of logic flows into your concerns about finding future partners - would you be the best partner you could be to a specific person if you had refrained from choices that would seemingly limit a hypothetical dating pool?
For what it’s worth, I’m (usually) a woman interested in people similar to how you describe yourself. I don’t think people who would reject you on the basis of your history with HRT or aspects of your anatomy you’re comfortable with are worth dating. I’m in the age bracket where everyone I know seems to have small children, a lot of them in varying shapes of queer relationships, and there is a lot of emphasis on different families, different types of people, different forms of love and community. I would encourage you to engage more with queer people in your area and seek to move past some of your fears with the support of folks around you.
posted by Mizu at 3:38 PM on May 31, 2021 [7 favorites]
The same kind of logic flows into your concerns about finding future partners - would you be the best partner you could be to a specific person if you had refrained from choices that would seemingly limit a hypothetical dating pool?
For what it’s worth, I’m (usually) a woman interested in people similar to how you describe yourself. I don’t think people who would reject you on the basis of your history with HRT or aspects of your anatomy you’re comfortable with are worth dating. I’m in the age bracket where everyone I know seems to have small children, a lot of them in varying shapes of queer relationships, and there is a lot of emphasis on different families, different types of people, different forms of love and community. I would encourage you to engage more with queer people in your area and seek to move past some of your fears with the support of folks around you.
posted by Mizu at 3:38 PM on May 31, 2021 [7 favorites]
A couple of random points leading up to me going yes, I think you should probably try HRT. (It worked wonders for me.)
Aside from the genuine complications around child conceiving, it almost sounds like you're looking for ways to talk yourself out of trying hrt? And I get it, it's terrifying. Three full years of HRT and I'm still wondering what the heck I'm doing half the time.
I've been very pleasantly surprised with the number of people who are open to dating transgender women, evenly not particularly passable kind like me. Cis, nonbinary and trans all included.
HRT likely will lessen body hair but not eliminate it.
HRT definitely caused my already low sex drive to drop almost to nothing. It was perfectly fine for me and a sort of rough adjustment for my girlfriend.
Even a few weeks on the HRT improved my mood vastly, far counterbalancing the existential terror and innate confusion about making such a big change
posted by Jacen at 4:25 PM on May 31, 2021 [2 favorites]
Aside from the genuine complications around child conceiving, it almost sounds like you're looking for ways to talk yourself out of trying hrt? And I get it, it's terrifying. Three full years of HRT and I'm still wondering what the heck I'm doing half the time.
I've been very pleasantly surprised with the number of people who are open to dating transgender women, evenly not particularly passable kind like me. Cis, nonbinary and trans all included.
HRT likely will lessen body hair but not eliminate it.
HRT definitely caused my already low sex drive to drop almost to nothing. It was perfectly fine for me and a sort of rough adjustment for my girlfriend.
Even a few weeks on the HRT improved my mood vastly, far counterbalancing the existential terror and innate confusion about making such a big change
posted by Jacen at 4:25 PM on May 31, 2021 [2 favorites]
Whatever you decide, know that there is a community that will support you. You are not alone.
posted by SPrintF at 5:15 PM on May 31, 2021 [3 favorites]
posted by SPrintF at 5:15 PM on May 31, 2021 [3 favorites]
Have you looked into the actual cost of sperm banking? Each of our budgets vary of course, but it may be more affordable than you think; it would definitely be worth it to me to solve the problems it will for you.
posted by metasarah at 6:11 PM on May 31, 2021
posted by metasarah at 6:11 PM on May 31, 2021
Hey! I was in your place about a year and a half ago, and I basically did your option 3.
To reframe your thoughts on this, I think it might be helpful to get away from the “taking the plunge” metaphor. Not that starting HRT isn’t a big step, but it’s not like jumping off a diving board. It’s a lot more like climbing up a mountain. You have to do it again every day, and every time you have the chance to say “actually, I don’t like how this feels and I want to stop.” Estrogen works slowly - the effects are mostly emotional and psychological for the first month or two, with some fairly subtle physical changes (like softer skin and a different scent), and if any of that feels weird or bad then it’s very easy to just quit with no lasting effects. Most people can tell pretty quickly if swapping out their primary sex hormone feels good or not.
I can talk about this stuff all day if you want to DM me.
posted by theodolite at 9:08 PM on May 31, 2021 [13 favorites]
To reframe your thoughts on this, I think it might be helpful to get away from the “taking the plunge” metaphor. Not that starting HRT isn’t a big step, but it’s not like jumping off a diving board. It’s a lot more like climbing up a mountain. You have to do it again every day, and every time you have the chance to say “actually, I don’t like how this feels and I want to stop.” Estrogen works slowly - the effects are mostly emotional and psychological for the first month or two, with some fairly subtle physical changes (like softer skin and a different scent), and if any of that feels weird or bad then it’s very easy to just quit with no lasting effects. Most people can tell pretty quickly if swapping out their primary sex hormone feels good or not.
I can talk about this stuff all day if you want to DM me.
posted by theodolite at 9:08 PM on May 31, 2021 [13 favorites]
HRT won't entirely remove the body hair which sounds like the main thing currently bothers you.
So perhaps you could reframe this as, HRT doesn't have to be the next step or the next baby step if you don't want it to be?
You could pursue permanent hair removal, on the body then face, which will also be surprisingly expensive and repetitive for awhile, and then see how you feel about the 'next step' afterwards?
And the next step is, you talked about explaining tits to future partners, but do *you* want (smallish) tits? Because confidence can make up for a lot in dating, and if it'll make *you* happier, then that will go a long way! If you aren't *super keen* on having a bit more chest padding, then yes, it would be awkward, and maybe you can move a bit more slowly while you get clear on whether that's a hell yes.
Your girlfriend might be trying to be encouraging, but ultimately it's your journey, not hers.
This bit is great though: "am generally much happier and feel much more myself than I ever have."
posted by Elysum at 11:12 PM on May 31, 2021 [3 favorites]
So perhaps you could reframe this as, HRT doesn't have to be the next step or the next baby step if you don't want it to be?
You could pursue permanent hair removal, on the body then face, which will also be surprisingly expensive and repetitive for awhile, and then see how you feel about the 'next step' afterwards?
And the next step is, you talked about explaining tits to future partners, but do *you* want (smallish) tits? Because confidence can make up for a lot in dating, and if it'll make *you* happier, then that will go a long way! If you aren't *super keen* on having a bit more chest padding, then yes, it would be awkward, and maybe you can move a bit more slowly while you get clear on whether that's a hell yes.
Your girlfriend might be trying to be encouraging, but ultimately it's your journey, not hers.
This bit is great though: "am generally much happier and feel much more myself than I ever have."
posted by Elysum at 11:12 PM on May 31, 2021 [3 favorites]
Writing as a man to whom it has long been very important that kids I raise are not kids I made, I recommend giving serious consideration to embracing the same attitude.
There are eight billion human beings in the world with more being added every day - that's five billion more than there were when my parents decided to make me - and many of those already-existing children find themselves in dire need of the responsible, stable, unconditionally loving parenting that their biological parents are simply not in a position to give them.
Give some thought to whether what's more important to you is raising children you love inside a loving family or making humans with ears the same shape as yours. Because if it actually turns out to be the former, all of your worries about what to do about preserving your personal fertility can just be let go.
I share 99% of my genetics with any randomly selected chimpanzee. I can see no justification at all for thinking of human beings who didn't happen to come from one of my own sperm cells as anything other than family.
If you do decide to pursue raising existing children rather than making more, I recommend going the route of fostering rather than adoption. Fostering, done as it ought to be, involves building an extended family that includes the children's biological parents rather than making an attempt in any sense to replace them, even when fostering transitions to permanent care. Fostering is about being the village that it takes to raise a child. Like any family structure it comes with its own kinds of challenge, but show me any kind of child raising that doesn't :-)
posted by flabdablet at 5:56 AM on June 1, 2021 [7 favorites]
There are eight billion human beings in the world with more being added every day - that's five billion more than there were when my parents decided to make me - and many of those already-existing children find themselves in dire need of the responsible, stable, unconditionally loving parenting that their biological parents are simply not in a position to give them.
Give some thought to whether what's more important to you is raising children you love inside a loving family or making humans with ears the same shape as yours. Because if it actually turns out to be the former, all of your worries about what to do about preserving your personal fertility can just be let go.
I share 99% of my genetics with any randomly selected chimpanzee. I can see no justification at all for thinking of human beings who didn't happen to come from one of my own sperm cells as anything other than family.
If you do decide to pursue raising existing children rather than making more, I recommend going the route of fostering rather than adoption. Fostering, done as it ought to be, involves building an extended family that includes the children's biological parents rather than making an attempt in any sense to replace them, even when fostering transitions to permanent care. Fostering is about being the village that it takes to raise a child. Like any family structure it comes with its own kinds of challenge, but show me any kind of child raising that doesn't :-)
posted by flabdablet at 5:56 AM on June 1, 2021 [7 favorites]
A common refrain I hear is that you can always just date other trans folks, and I am of course totally open to that, but it isn’t really comforting to think that I’d be restricting my dating pool that severely.
Here's another way of looking at it that you might find more comforting. Yes, it's true, only a fraction of the people in the big wide world want to date someone like you or me. But our dating pool isn't the whole big wide world. It's our local social circle. And for all transitioning visibly can be painful in a lot of ways, and involve a lot of uncomfortable experiences, when you get to the other side, your social circle is going to be an awesome dating pool.
When you lean into visible transness or nonbinariness, seek out people who Get It, and avoid people who are dicks to you about it, your local social circle starts to fill up with people who aren't fucking transphobes — including other trans and nonbinary people, but also including cis people who've done the work of getting over their learned transphobia. I'm not talking here about chasers. I mean cis people who started hanging out with a few of us, figured out that we're kind and funny and badass, and decided to do some learning, and eventually the local community decided that they're vetted and housebroken and invited to the potluck.
Right now, 8+ years into my transition, I'd say my circle of acquaintances is a pretty even mix of cis queers, trans people, and nonbinary people, with a few especially awesome cis straight folks sprinkled into the mix. Most people in it have probably at least had a fleeting crush on a trans person at some point. I've dated cis friends and trans/NB friends over the years. It doesn't feel like slim pickings. It feels like being at a great party where everyone thinks people like us are cool, and the assholes who think we're gross and ugly aren't invited.
posted by nebulawindphone at 7:11 AM on June 1, 2021 [14 favorites]
Here's another way of looking at it that you might find more comforting. Yes, it's true, only a fraction of the people in the big wide world want to date someone like you or me. But our dating pool isn't the whole big wide world. It's our local social circle. And for all transitioning visibly can be painful in a lot of ways, and involve a lot of uncomfortable experiences, when you get to the other side, your social circle is going to be an awesome dating pool.
When you lean into visible transness or nonbinariness, seek out people who Get It, and avoid people who are dicks to you about it, your local social circle starts to fill up with people who aren't fucking transphobes — including other trans and nonbinary people, but also including cis people who've done the work of getting over their learned transphobia. I'm not talking here about chasers. I mean cis people who started hanging out with a few of us, figured out that we're kind and funny and badass, and decided to do some learning, and eventually the local community decided that they're vetted and housebroken and invited to the potluck.
Right now, 8+ years into my transition, I'd say my circle of acquaintances is a pretty even mix of cis queers, trans people, and nonbinary people, with a few especially awesome cis straight folks sprinkled into the mix. Most people in it have probably at least had a fleeting crush on a trans person at some point. I've dated cis friends and trans/NB friends over the years. It doesn't feel like slim pickings. It feels like being at a great party where everyone thinks people like us are cool, and the assholes who think we're gross and ugly aren't invited.
posted by nebulawindphone at 7:11 AM on June 1, 2021 [14 favorites]
Also, how would you feel about thinking of sperm banking as an investment in your family's future emotional well-being?
I've known trans women who took your Option 1. They're great moms and I don't mean any disrespect. But they were also unhappy closet cases during their kids' early childhood, and then dealing with the stresses and humiliations of early transition during their kids middle and teen years. It was hard for everyone.
If you bank now and transition, and you find it was right for you, then in ten years you could be a happy, stable, secure mom-or-maybe-nonbinary-parent with a whole heap of hard-earned self-knowledge from struggles that are safely past. And if you find transition was wrong for you, then in ten years you could be a happy, stable, secure dad-or-maybe-nonbinary-parent living with no regrets and no questions about what might have been. Either way, you'll have gotten a chance to figure your shit out early and build an authentic life and an authentic relationship with your partner before the kids show up, which means you'll be more present for your partner and your kids. That's, honestly, worth a couple hundred dollars a year. (Cheaper than therapy!)
posted by nebulawindphone at 7:36 AM on June 1, 2021 [8 favorites]
I've known trans women who took your Option 1. They're great moms and I don't mean any disrespect. But they were also unhappy closet cases during their kids' early childhood, and then dealing with the stresses and humiliations of early transition during their kids middle and teen years. It was hard for everyone.
If you bank now and transition, and you find it was right for you, then in ten years you could be a happy, stable, secure mom-or-maybe-nonbinary-parent with a whole heap of hard-earned self-knowledge from struggles that are safely past. And if you find transition was wrong for you, then in ten years you could be a happy, stable, secure dad-or-maybe-nonbinary-parent living with no regrets and no questions about what might have been. Either way, you'll have gotten a chance to figure your shit out early and build an authentic life and an authentic relationship with your partner before the kids show up, which means you'll be more present for your partner and your kids. That's, honestly, worth a couple hundred dollars a year. (Cheaper than therapy!)
posted by nebulawindphone at 7:36 AM on June 1, 2021 [8 favorites]
I just want to note that a lot of the reluctance I’m hearing in your post is practical stuff related to the nuts and bolts of the process transition and the life that you will be getting yourself into, but none those things speak to the foundation of who you are. I think you are pretty clear on your identity already, and you just need figure out if living that identity is worth the risks you see.
I'm a trans woman and I started HRT just over a year ago. I’m 44 and already have kids so my perspective is a bit different I guess, but I can speak to the experience of waiting until after you’ve had kids. Fertility does complicate things, but I don’t think I’ve ever talked to someone who has said, “oh. I wish I’d waited to transition until I was older,” but I’ve heard plenty of people (myself included!) say the opposite. Body changes don’t end at puberty, and the process of watching hairlines recede and body hair spread can be painful.
I also want to note that HRT usually does little to nothing on facial hair, and laser and electrolysis are something you can do regardless of what you decided to do with hormones. HRT has made my body hair thinner and finer, but without substantial hair removal effort, I would still be pretty hairy.
posted by Shellybeans at 7:42 AM on June 1, 2021 [5 favorites]
I'm a trans woman and I started HRT just over a year ago. I’m 44 and already have kids so my perspective is a bit different I guess, but I can speak to the experience of waiting until after you’ve had kids. Fertility does complicate things, but I don’t think I’ve ever talked to someone who has said, “oh. I wish I’d waited to transition until I was older,” but I’ve heard plenty of people (myself included!) say the opposite. Body changes don’t end at puberty, and the process of watching hairlines recede and body hair spread can be painful.
I also want to note that HRT usually does little to nothing on facial hair, and laser and electrolysis are something you can do regardless of what you decided to do with hormones. HRT has made my body hair thinner and finer, but without substantial hair removal effort, I would still be pretty hairy.
posted by Shellybeans at 7:42 AM on June 1, 2021 [5 favorites]
Reading what you wrote, I'm seeing a lot about what would make you attractive to others.
I wonder how much of your focus on that could be you avoiding the question of what you want for yourself?
I really encourage you to do some work on this, and to center yourself, because I know that it's really easy, when you don't like your presentation or body or whatever, to focus on what makes other people happy, because I have done that. Maybe that's not you, but that's what I'm getting, and if I'm reading wrong, I apologize, but I'm going to write this as if I'm right, just in case.
Imagine, if no matter what you did with your body, everyone you wanted also still wanted you, and it didn't affect your attractiveness or fertility. Go even further, imagine that you could transform your body perfectly into what you want magically.
What you would feel happy with? What would give you actual gender euphoria? What parts of your body and presentation do you dislike, what are you neutral on, and what do you like. If you aren't happy with some aspect of yourself, what would you like more instead?
I can assure you that no matter your gender presentation or identity, there are people out there who are into you, and if you put yourself out there enough, you will find them. There are some people you'd like who would find you more attractive if you took hormones. It sounds like your GF is in both those groups, and you found her, right?
So forget about that, forget about fertility, just for a little, and really do the work to figure out yourself.
Talk to other Trans folks, whether locally through an lgbt center or trans group or in an internet community (there's a metafilter originated trans slack that I'm on that has been wonderful for me since I realized I was nonbinary in the pandemic, feel free to Mefiemail me about it). You are not alone, you aren't the first to think these thoughts, other people have navigated this.
Talk to a gender therapist if you can. Talk to your doctor, or get a referral, to talk about medical interventions and fertility.
None of this questioning or talking is irreversible, but I want you to consider that for many trans folks, living with dysphoria, even mild dysphoria, is actively harmful to mental health and emotional well being, and that may be true for you, and if so that harm may be difficult to reverse.
posted by Chrysopoeia at 7:45 AM on June 1, 2021 [5 favorites]
I wonder how much of your focus on that could be you avoiding the question of what you want for yourself?
I really encourage you to do some work on this, and to center yourself, because I know that it's really easy, when you don't like your presentation or body or whatever, to focus on what makes other people happy, because I have done that. Maybe that's not you, but that's what I'm getting, and if I'm reading wrong, I apologize, but I'm going to write this as if I'm right, just in case.
Imagine, if no matter what you did with your body, everyone you wanted also still wanted you, and it didn't affect your attractiveness or fertility. Go even further, imagine that you could transform your body perfectly into what you want magically.
What you would feel happy with? What would give you actual gender euphoria? What parts of your body and presentation do you dislike, what are you neutral on, and what do you like. If you aren't happy with some aspect of yourself, what would you like more instead?
I can assure you that no matter your gender presentation or identity, there are people out there who are into you, and if you put yourself out there enough, you will find them. There are some people you'd like who would find you more attractive if you took hormones. It sounds like your GF is in both those groups, and you found her, right?
So forget about that, forget about fertility, just for a little, and really do the work to figure out yourself.
Talk to other Trans folks, whether locally through an lgbt center or trans group or in an internet community (there's a metafilter originated trans slack that I'm on that has been wonderful for me since I realized I was nonbinary in the pandemic, feel free to Mefiemail me about it). You are not alone, you aren't the first to think these thoughts, other people have navigated this.
Talk to a gender therapist if you can. Talk to your doctor, or get a referral, to talk about medical interventions and fertility.
None of this questioning or talking is irreversible, but I want you to consider that for many trans folks, living with dysphoria, even mild dysphoria, is actively harmful to mental health and emotional well being, and that may be true for you, and if so that harm may be difficult to reverse.
posted by Chrysopoeia at 7:45 AM on June 1, 2021 [5 favorites]
Also also, sorry, one more thought: if banking is a genuine financial hardship, and not just something you're embarrassed to do because it feels frivolous, then consider crowdfunding it. The #transcrowdfund hashtag on twitter, and other communities elsewhere that you can reach by googling "transcrowdfund," are good places to promote a fundraiser, and the $1000-ish initial cost of banking is a not-unrealistic fundraiser goal, especially if you also have IRL friends who will contribute.
posted by nebulawindphone at 7:46 AM on June 1, 2021 [1 favorite]
posted by nebulawindphone at 7:46 AM on June 1, 2021 [1 favorite]
One way to look at this is from the standpoint of regret minimization. What actions will allow you to bring your physical appearance and socially recognized gender most in line with your internal sense of self, and keep the most options open for your future fertility and parenthood? What actions most reduce the risk that you will NOT better align your physical/social appearance with your sense of self, and NOT substantially damage or eliminate your ability to be a genetic parent in the future?
Crucially, remember that non-action (maintaining the status quo) is ALSO an action.
With that in mind:
In the end you are the one that has to live at the intersection of your body and mind. No one else. So leave everyone else out of it for a bit. What will help you be your best self? What feels right just for you?
posted by 4rtemis at 11:46 AM on June 1, 2021 [5 favorites]
Crucially, remember that non-action (maintaining the status quo) is ALSO an action.
With that in mind:
- Discard option 1. If you and your girlfriend were planning to have children in a year it might be okay but it sounds like that is several years away. This preserves your fertility but meanwhile you'll have to tolerate a condition that causes a lot of ongoing distress, and your body will continue to change with age—maybe including some male aging characteristics you will not feel comfortable with.
- Discard option 4. This risks eliminating your chance to be a genetic parent, which is important to you. This is NOT a vanity or a frivolous concern. People have deeply held beliefs and desires about family and parenthood and you should not feel that being trans means you have to give this up.
- This leaves you with some combination of options 2 and 3. If you have the financial means to bank sperm you should go ahead and do it as this maximizes your future options. IMO it's completely appropriate to crowd-source some funding for that if you need to close the gap.
In the end you are the one that has to live at the intersection of your body and mind. No one else. So leave everyone else out of it for a bit. What will help you be your best self? What feels right just for you?
posted by 4rtemis at 11:46 AM on June 1, 2021 [5 favorites]
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First of all I will say: this feeling is totally, completely normal, and experienced by many trans people. It took me a decent little while after I started HRT to get rid of the "oh god! What am I doing! What if I'm not really trans and I've just been very confused and now there's no going back!" feeling and some trans folks experience it for a while. It is a big decision and a big change in your body, so it's natural to wrestle with it. So don't be too worried about having these doubts and concerns right now. It is very, very common.
Second: sperm banking isn't a vanity, at all. It's an investment in something that's very important to you. If having biological children is important to you, it's a worthwhile thing to do, and when you start HRT you will be asked about it (probably more than once) as something to consider. It isn't a waste of money to want that or to value it, even if it doesn't work out that way in the end. Have you shopped around a bit to see if there's an option that's cheaper?
Personally, from everything I've read here, I would go for option 2 or 3. I don't know the pros/cons of spiro, but if it's a safe and financially accessible "gateway" to HRT, it might be a good choice to just ease you into the decision. You've obviously done your research, but it may also be helpful to speak to a doctor or endocrinologist as well to get their views in regards to what other trans patients have found useful, or if there's a low dose you can take which will give you the feminising result and will give you better options irt fertility.
I will say that you sound like you would be happier and more secure as yourself if you took this step. This is a valuable thing to know about yourself, but it doesn't necessarily mean you need to take the next step right now. If it takes some more time, that's okay. If you decide to just jump in, that's okay too. There's no set timeline for any trans journey, it takes as long as it takes and goes wherever it needs to go, even if that means circling back a bit or going back and forth for a while.
I went on a similar journey to you (IDing as a masc-of-centre woman, IDing as non-binary, eventually deciding to try out being a binary trans man, then starting HRT). Taking HRT has been difficult in some unexpected ways, mostly in terms of juggling side effects and body changes, but even on days when I'm feeling gross and wondering if it's truly worth all of this effort just for a scruff of body hair and some stinkier sweat, it's not a decision I regret. I get the impression that you will regret not taking this step more than actually going for it.
Happy to discuss on MeMail if you want!
posted by fight or flight at 3:24 PM on May 31, 2021 [13 favorites]