Focusing on what you can influence/control

July 3, 2021 10:13 AM

A technique for managing unexpected and perhaps unwelcome situations is to identify what aspects of the situation are out of your control, what aspects you can influence, and what aspects you are in control of, and then focus on what you can influence/control. Is there a name for this technique, and how can I learn more?

I am working with a therapist, and this is a suggestion that often comes up in response to situations I am struggling with. I’ve found it helps my anxiety significantly.

I would like to learn more about how to apply this technique across a variety of situations on my own. I’m thinking books in particular, but also websites, articles or other resources where I could be inspired and educated would be helpful.

I am aware of the Serenity Prayer, and that some resources aimed at 12-step programs will address this topic (although specific suggestions for resources in this genre are welcome.) What are some other resources to become more skillful at this? Also, is there a name for this technique, and/or a specific type of therapy that focuses on it?

posted by Serene Empress Dork to Grab Bag (13 answers total)

There’s Stoicism? Check out the ancient Stoic philosopher Epictetus. He was all about this and surprisingly accessible.
posted by johngoren at 10:19 AM on July 3, 2021 [1 favorite]

Damn, beaten to it. You can read Epictetus in a half hour. No reason not to.
posted by kevinbelt at 10:20 AM on July 3, 2021 [2 favorites]

To be specific, you can read Epictetus's Enchiridion in half an hour (but not his Discourses). Enchiridion is the one that begins (in my translation): "There are things which are within our power, and there are things which are beyond our power" and goes from there.
posted by demonic winged headgear at 10:24 AM on July 3, 2021 [4 favorites]

I make lists, about specific issues. This evolved from work, is transferrable to every day life.
In three columns i write what i can control, what I can affect/Change and what i cannot change.
You can also draw it as three concentric circles. I find it very helpful.
posted by 15L06 at 11:17 AM on July 3, 2021 [3 favorites]

I think this is cognitive behavioral therapy.
posted by kerf at 11:36 AM on July 3, 2021 [1 favorite]

Look into the concept of "Locus of Control". Locus of control refers to the perception that events are determined by one's own behavior (internal control) or by such outside forces as other people or fate (external control).
posted by socky_puppy at 2:31 PM on July 3, 2021 [2 favorites]

Radical acceptance might also be of use to you. It's done wonders for my anxiety.
posted by The Almighty Mommy Goddess at 6:07 PM on July 3, 2021 [2 favorites]

In terms of formal therapeutic paradigms, Acceptance and Commitment Therapy is pretty much along these lines. From my understanding, the "Acceptance" part is not so much aimed at accepting shitty and immutable external circumstances as it is learning to accept/tolerate one's own unpleasant emotional reactions to circumstances using mindfulness techniques etc., and then committing to take action to change behaviors--which becomes more realistic when you short circuit the cycle of thinking about the patterns you want to change leading to icky feelings leading to avoidant reactions.
posted by drlith at 8:13 PM on July 3, 2021 [1 favorite]

Look for resources under “spheres of influence” or “spheres of control.”
posted by Miko at 9:03 PM on July 3, 2021 [1 favorite]

This reminds me of a technique used by medical workers in crisis management called "triage." Patients are divided into three classes:

those who will probably survive without immediate help,

those who will only survive with immediate help, and

those who will probably not survive with the best help.

The medical workers focus on the middle group. It must be hard to let the members of the third group to die, but in a crisis, with fewer resources than are needed to treat everyone, it's the only logical choice.
posted by tmdonahue at 5:26 AM on July 4, 2021 [1 favorite]

It also inevitably reminds me of the so-called "Serenity Prayer," popular with 12-step groups, among others:

God, grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change,
the courage to change the things I can,
and the wisdom to know the difference.
posted by tmdonahue at 5:30 AM on July 4, 2021 [2 favorites]

You could check out the 7 Habits of Highly Effective People by Stephen Covey. He writes about the circle of influence vs circle of concern. Here's a randomly chosen blog post that explains it.
posted by beyond_pink at 4:54 PM on July 4, 2021 [2 favorites]

Another surprisingly accessible Stoic philosopher is Marcus Aurelius; Meditations definitely touches on those same themes. Big focus on developing a more cosmic perspective on things. If you read Epictetus and end up liking it, Meditations would be a good follow up.
posted by helloimjennsco at 11:56 AM on July 8, 2021