I don't care about work, but I need to care.
June 17, 2021 5:00 AM Subscribe
My job situation isn't satisfactory. I need a new job. But if there is such a thing as 'work depression', I have it. It's impossible to care about work, let alone muster up the energy and motivation to find new jobs, apply for them, wow my interviewers, and then begin a new job. Looking for advice/perspective.
Ok, so my job isn't TERRIBLE. Good things about it:
1. Good pay/benefits
2. Flexibility over lockdown working
3. I have worked there for a number of years now, I am a known quantity with a reputation for competence, I know how the place works and who the key players are and how to navigate some of its Byzantine politics.
4. Because I know the job and personalities involved so well, I know where it is possible to slack off a little.
But the bad things about it majorly outweigh the good:
1. Terrible commute (absolutely TERRIBLE)
2. Dysfunctional culture: petty drama, narcissistic personalities, the aforementioned Byzantine politics, your classic sick system, racist as hell
3. I know for a fact that working here has damaged my mental and emotional health immensely. I entered this workplace a confident person and am now beaten down by micromanagement, attacks on my demeanor and personality, and being used as a punching bag/emotional outlet/therapist/dogsbody by my boss. I spend hours second-guessing myself before I press Send on an email because I do not know at what point I will randomly be raked over the coals about something. I doubt myself so much more than I did before I started here. I definitely have a lower opinion of myself as a worker, even though objectively speaking I have delivered a lot while I was here and definitely more, simply in terms of numbers, than my peers or seniors.
So yeah. I have to leave. BUT I AM SO TIRED. I did apply for a couple of jobs a few months ago - went through the entire first interview, second interview, presentation, written assignment submission rigmarole, and didn't manage to secure either role. That was fine but I just felt so exhausted doing all that while at the same time having to deliver my actual job that I just wanted to sleep for a week when it was all over. The idea of doing that again now is EXHAUSTING.
And then of course there's the whole question of... What if I were to get a new job? Starting a new job is an intense emotional experience - it took me a year to settle in and find my feet at my current job. I just feel like I do not have the spoons for it at this point, to make a good impression and learn to find my way around and make relationships and understand how a new organisation works. But my spoons and more arguably my goddamn sense of SELF are being eroded away by each additional day I spend at my current workplace.
I'm currently struggling with it being a very busy and demanding time at work while my motivation and confidence is at an all-time low. Like, who wants to work when you're convinced people are going to shit over whatever you spend hours slogging over (because they've changed their mind about what it was that they wanted you to do)? I really just want to escape. I've taken as much leave as it's possible to take, but I've gotten yelled at about that too, and frankly coming back to work after taking leave is just so fucking terrible it's almost not worth taking the leave in the first place. So I know this is a bad place for me to be in, I just literally do not know how I am supposed to change it.
Ok, so my job isn't TERRIBLE. Good things about it:
1. Good pay/benefits
2. Flexibility over lockdown working
3. I have worked there for a number of years now, I am a known quantity with a reputation for competence, I know how the place works and who the key players are and how to navigate some of its Byzantine politics.
4. Because I know the job and personalities involved so well, I know where it is possible to slack off a little.
But the bad things about it majorly outweigh the good:
1. Terrible commute (absolutely TERRIBLE)
2. Dysfunctional culture: petty drama, narcissistic personalities, the aforementioned Byzantine politics, your classic sick system, racist as hell
3. I know for a fact that working here has damaged my mental and emotional health immensely. I entered this workplace a confident person and am now beaten down by micromanagement, attacks on my demeanor and personality, and being used as a punching bag/emotional outlet/therapist/dogsbody by my boss. I spend hours second-guessing myself before I press Send on an email because I do not know at what point I will randomly be raked over the coals about something. I doubt myself so much more than I did before I started here. I definitely have a lower opinion of myself as a worker, even though objectively speaking I have delivered a lot while I was here and definitely more, simply in terms of numbers, than my peers or seniors.
So yeah. I have to leave. BUT I AM SO TIRED. I did apply for a couple of jobs a few months ago - went through the entire first interview, second interview, presentation, written assignment submission rigmarole, and didn't manage to secure either role. That was fine but I just felt so exhausted doing all that while at the same time having to deliver my actual job that I just wanted to sleep for a week when it was all over. The idea of doing that again now is EXHAUSTING.
And then of course there's the whole question of... What if I were to get a new job? Starting a new job is an intense emotional experience - it took me a year to settle in and find my feet at my current job. I just feel like I do not have the spoons for it at this point, to make a good impression and learn to find my way around and make relationships and understand how a new organisation works. But my spoons and more arguably my goddamn sense of SELF are being eroded away by each additional day I spend at my current workplace.
I'm currently struggling with it being a very busy and demanding time at work while my motivation and confidence is at an all-time low. Like, who wants to work when you're convinced people are going to shit over whatever you spend hours slogging over (because they've changed their mind about what it was that they wanted you to do)? I really just want to escape. I've taken as much leave as it's possible to take, but I've gotten yelled at about that too, and frankly coming back to work after taking leave is just so fucking terrible it's almost not worth taking the leave in the first place. So I know this is a bad place for me to be in, I just literally do not know how I am supposed to change it.
So sorry that you are going through this, and I feel your pain. What you describe was me BEFORE the pandemic. My workplace was toxic even though the actual job I enjoyed. It was a daily crushing of my soul that was not fixable within the organization.
When I finally seriously started looking, I spent one weekend day every week, all day, job searching and applying for things, pretty much exclusively online through places like Indeed. It was the best place for my field, YMMV. I couldn't even consider doing thiese things during the week because of aforementioned soul-crushing job and the need to detach from it all when I got home every day. I had to think of it like a part time job on the weekends and just get it done. I sent our something like 175 resumes over several months, I had about 30 first interviews, a handful of 2nd interviews and then finally settled on where I now work. The process itself was exhausting but the mental health benefits of leaving that toxic place are immeasurable.
NO ONE needs to work in that kind of environment and you need to treat yourself better and leave. I wish I had learned that lesson in year 2 of my toxic place and not year 5 when I was literally walking slumped over from all of the negativity.
Also for some perspective, I love my current job (as much as one can love a job) and I currently feel exhausted, unmotivated and literally counting the minutes until my upcoming tiny vacation because I just can't anymore in this pandemic environment. This last year has exhausted me, and i work from home now, but the last year has been draining in every way.
posted by archimago at 5:34 AM on June 17, 2021 [1 favorite]
When I finally seriously started looking, I spent one weekend day every week, all day, job searching and applying for things, pretty much exclusively online through places like Indeed. It was the best place for my field, YMMV. I couldn't even consider doing thiese things during the week because of aforementioned soul-crushing job and the need to detach from it all when I got home every day. I had to think of it like a part time job on the weekends and just get it done. I sent our something like 175 resumes over several months, I had about 30 first interviews, a handful of 2nd interviews and then finally settled on where I now work. The process itself was exhausting but the mental health benefits of leaving that toxic place are immeasurable.
NO ONE needs to work in that kind of environment and you need to treat yourself better and leave. I wish I had learned that lesson in year 2 of my toxic place and not year 5 when I was literally walking slumped over from all of the negativity.
Also for some perspective, I love my current job (as much as one can love a job) and I currently feel exhausted, unmotivated and literally counting the minutes until my upcoming tiny vacation because I just can't anymore in this pandemic environment. This last year has exhausted me, and i work from home now, but the last year has been draining in every way.
posted by archimago at 5:34 AM on June 17, 2021 [1 favorite]
Do not worry now about whether you have the mental resources to manage a new job. Worry about that when you're offered one and can compare the specific new job with your existing one and make a decision.
I agree that it is tiring to look for a new job. I'm not looking for one at the moment, but I am studying part-time as well as working full-time and like archimago I'm doing things on the weekend rather than trying to fit them into my working week. Because I am just so tired at the end of the day I can't do a really good job then.
If you have any vacation leave or personal days available to you, make sure to take them. It will help a bit.
posted by plonkee at 6:04 AM on June 17, 2021
I agree that it is tiring to look for a new job. I'm not looking for one at the moment, but I am studying part-time as well as working full-time and like archimago I'm doing things on the weekend rather than trying to fit them into my working week. Because I am just so tired at the end of the day I can't do a really good job then.
If you have any vacation leave or personal days available to you, make sure to take them. It will help a bit.
posted by plonkee at 6:04 AM on June 17, 2021
Did you work remotely earlier in the pandemic, and if so, can you ask for permission to work remotely now? If it's possible, that could give you a little bit of extra energy to deal with applications.
Even though it's better to find a new job before leaving, if you're completely burned out and have a little flexibility (savings, family you could stay with temporarily, an industry where it's easy to find a new job, etc), I would strongly consider quitting, taking a month off, and then starting your search for a new job.
posted by pinochiette at 7:00 AM on June 17, 2021 [4 favorites]
Even though it's better to find a new job before leaving, if you're completely burned out and have a little flexibility (savings, family you could stay with temporarily, an industry where it's easy to find a new job, etc), I would strongly consider quitting, taking a month off, and then starting your search for a new job.
posted by pinochiette at 7:00 AM on June 17, 2021 [4 favorites]
Do you really have to care about your current job at this point? It sounds like your current job is going to criticize you whether you do a good job or not, and you say you're producing more than your coworkers, so do less. Make a list of specific things you are going to half-ass. Aim for getting a "C". Detach your personal feelings from what your coworkers think, you don't respect them anyhow. You have been working harder than you sustainably can, and you have to stop.
Hopefully that will open up enough mental space to job-hunt on the weekend or early in the morning. I find it nice to work on other stuff first thing and give it my best energy, and then I'm able to be more chill about things at my job because I've already done the thing I wanted to, your mileage may vary.
posted by momus_window at 9:08 AM on June 17, 2021 [4 favorites]
Hopefully that will open up enough mental space to job-hunt on the weekend or early in the morning. I find it nice to work on other stuff first thing and give it my best energy, and then I'm able to be more chill about things at my job because I've already done the thing I wanted to, your mileage may vary.
posted by momus_window at 9:08 AM on June 17, 2021 [4 favorites]
Oh hi didn't know you also worked at my org! I could've written this exact question, except I am just looking to change teams and not the org itself (as micro-cultures are widely variable here).
How secure is your job? Can you hold on to it with less effort than you're putting in right now? If it is, honestly, I'd slack off as much as can be safely done, and save those spoons for a job search. Maybe assign yourself a date by when you'll start looking again, if doing it immediately seems too overwhelming?
(and don't beat yourself up for not giving your best. Any system that actively hammers at your confidence to a level that sending an email feels frightening - I winced in solidarity at that line, doesn't deserve good workers. Or that's what I tell myself, anyway)
posted by Nieshka at 1:07 PM on June 17, 2021
How secure is your job? Can you hold on to it with less effort than you're putting in right now? If it is, honestly, I'd slack off as much as can be safely done, and save those spoons for a job search. Maybe assign yourself a date by when you'll start looking again, if doing it immediately seems too overwhelming?
(and don't beat yourself up for not giving your best. Any system that actively hammers at your confidence to a level that sending an email feels frightening - I winced in solidarity at that line, doesn't deserve good workers. Or that's what I tell myself, anyway)
posted by Nieshka at 1:07 PM on June 17, 2021
Your job sounds terrible! Like, it's terrible all on its own, and when you add in a terrible commute, that's truly wretched!
I was feeling a lot like you a few years ago, and I was able to take an extended period of time off, and that was a huge help (I also spent most of the time out of town). But I did that because I didn't want to find a new job because that likely would have required moving and I didn't want to move my kids, so I took the time to make it bearable. If I could have looked for a new job, I would have (well, I did and turned it down, because I didn't want to move).
So, my advice: take some time off, as much as you can. Not because this will make the job better (it might, for a very short period of time), but to get the energy to start applying for new jobs. It's going to be a slog, but I really think you should try to apply for new things, and then negotiate for as much time as possible in between jobs (and don't give your crappy current more than two weeks' notice), to help jumpstart a mental health transition.
posted by bluedaisy at 1:42 PM on June 17, 2021
I was feeling a lot like you a few years ago, and I was able to take an extended period of time off, and that was a huge help (I also spent most of the time out of town). But I did that because I didn't want to find a new job because that likely would have required moving and I didn't want to move my kids, so I took the time to make it bearable. If I could have looked for a new job, I would have (well, I did and turned it down, because I didn't want to move).
So, my advice: take some time off, as much as you can. Not because this will make the job better (it might, for a very short period of time), but to get the energy to start applying for new jobs. It's going to be a slog, but I really think you should try to apply for new things, and then negotiate for as much time as possible in between jobs (and don't give your crappy current more than two weeks' notice), to help jumpstart a mental health transition.
posted by bluedaisy at 1:42 PM on June 17, 2021
When i was really in a rut and having a lot of anxiety about looking for a job, I just focused on really manageable steps. First was my resume. That's it. Get the resume together, don't worry about applications. Then start on applications. Don't worry about whether you'll get the interview (I mean, do a good job on the application, but just focus on that and only that). Rinse and repeat. Helped me a lot.
Also a lot of people don't know that there's a secret toggle on LinkedIn that lets recruiters know you're open to opportunities. Your next job might come to you!
posted by radioamy at 4:52 PM on June 17, 2021 [2 favorites]
Also a lot of people don't know that there's a secret toggle on LinkedIn that lets recruiters know you're open to opportunities. Your next job might come to you!
posted by radioamy at 4:52 PM on June 17, 2021 [2 favorites]
I was in this situation before, lower management in a hectic workplace where shit just kept happening because it was understaffed, owners were abusive, and the blame was just shifted onto staff. I was far too demoralized to put on that confident face for job interviews, it just wasn't possible.
I eventually resigned without another gig lined up before I went even more completely insane. I was in a very negative space at the time, and resignation was liberation. They all tell you that you have to have another gig lined up before you resign, but it's not always true. I did part-time gigs and temp work for a while, I mentioned to everyone I knew that I was looking for work, and got a gig that eventually led to a different gig in a different line of work that worked out great in the end. (this was in Canada, so the health care issue is a factor).
posted by ovvl at 5:25 PM on June 17, 2021
I eventually resigned without another gig lined up before I went even more completely insane. I was in a very negative space at the time, and resignation was liberation. They all tell you that you have to have another gig lined up before you resign, but it's not always true. I did part-time gigs and temp work for a while, I mentioned to everyone I knew that I was looking for work, and got a gig that eventually led to a different gig in a different line of work that worked out great in the end. (this was in Canada, so the health care issue is a factor).
posted by ovvl at 5:25 PM on June 17, 2021
Exert control. In this life, you really only control your own behavior and attitude. So control what you can. Make the conscious choice to make the best of it. Make a choice to make a difference where you can. That is what works for me.
At the same time that you are changing the inside, you can certainly pursue changes on the outside; for example, by searching for a new job.
posted by MarnieSrpings at 10:42 PM on June 18, 2021
At the same time that you are changing the inside, you can certainly pursue changes on the outside; for example, by searching for a new job.
posted by MarnieSrpings at 10:42 PM on June 18, 2021
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by cCranium at 5:31 AM on June 17, 2021 [5 favorites]