How do you listen (when you’re shy)?
April 8, 2021 2:42 PM Subscribe
I’m a shy and somewhat socially anxious person. I have realized that sometimes it’s difficult for me to carry on a conversation because I’m so caught up worrying what the other person is thinking of me that I lose track of what’s said, or only hear it at a superficial level. How can I make this better?
The other part of the problem is that I’ve developed a mechanism to combat my shyness by talking too much and letting everything spill out! So I’m not only not listening, but also not responding well or appropriately. How can I get better at this?
An example is that someone will tell me something, and I hear the words they are saying (“I’m thinking of leaving my job...”) but instead of hearing what they’re saying (they are dissatisfied where they are, etc.) I am paralyzed with anxiety (Do they see my zit? How do I respond-this is a new person and I don’t want to screw this up and have them realize how awkward I am! I like this person maybe they’ll be a new friend oh no don’t mess it up!) and then sort of lose the thread of conversation, so I reply with too much (maybe too much emotion to make up for my inadequate listening or too many words to avoid silence). And then I feel like the conversation nosedives or I’m left later thinking about the less awkward and more thoughtful responses I could have had.
Have you experienced this, and is there anything you’ve done to make it better?
The other part of the problem is that I’ve developed a mechanism to combat my shyness by talking too much and letting everything spill out! So I’m not only not listening, but also not responding well or appropriately. How can I get better at this?
An example is that someone will tell me something, and I hear the words they are saying (“I’m thinking of leaving my job...”) but instead of hearing what they’re saying (they are dissatisfied where they are, etc.) I am paralyzed with anxiety (Do they see my zit? How do I respond-this is a new person and I don’t want to screw this up and have them realize how awkward I am! I like this person maybe they’ll be a new friend oh no don’t mess it up!) and then sort of lose the thread of conversation, so I reply with too much (maybe too much emotion to make up for my inadequate listening or too many words to avoid silence). And then I feel like the conversation nosedives or I’m left later thinking about the less awkward and more thoughtful responses I could have had.
Have you experienced this, and is there anything you’ve done to make it better?
The obvious answer is therapy, but in the meantime: I've found that if I'm feeling anxious at a party (back when parties existed) it helps to turn it into a game and pretend I've been tasked to write a report about as many people at the party as possible. Every conversation is now a fact-finding mission. I'm not actually suggesting to be that literal about it, but I've found that giving myself some sort of premise like this takes me out of my head, and helps me focus more on the person in front of me. That, and just reminding myself that most people at any given party are most worried about themselves, not other people.
posted by coffeecat at 3:30 PM on April 8, 2021 [2 favorites]
posted by coffeecat at 3:30 PM on April 8, 2021 [2 favorites]
I definitely have social anxiety and have struggled with this before. Two things handle most conversations for me: If I'm talking to someone about a topic that is legitimately interesting I focus on the topic and can eventually relax into a fairly normal conversation. I have confidence this will happen if I'm talking to a friend/date I am genuinely interested in getting to know. On the other side there are cases like small talk where it doesn't really matter what I say. In those situations I try to focus on something completely unrelated and just sort of vaguely listen to the conversation. Right now I'm answering this question while I'm on a Zoom call I don't care about. This usually actually makes me a better listener because it reduces my anxiety, and I'm able to pick up on the most important bits. It does mean that I sometimes don't "look very engaged" which can be a problem.
I don't have a mental solution for the case where I'm having an important conversation about a boring topic so that still makes me really anxious. But, I usually know ahead of time when this is going to happen, and I use one of my short term anxiety aids if I know it's coming up. CBD oil works well for me, and I also have a prescription for Beta blockers that was originally for high blood pressure. Both of those kick in about 15 minutes after I take them and don't have any side effects for me.
posted by JZig at 3:56 PM on April 8, 2021
I don't have a mental solution for the case where I'm having an important conversation about a boring topic so that still makes me really anxious. But, I usually know ahead of time when this is going to happen, and I use one of my short term anxiety aids if I know it's coming up. CBD oil works well for me, and I also have a prescription for Beta blockers that was originally for high blood pressure. Both of those kick in about 15 minutes after I take them and don't have any side effects for me.
posted by JZig at 3:56 PM on April 8, 2021
Just want to chime in and let you know, if you didn't know already, way more people struggle with what you're talking about than you realize. I spent my teens and twenties thinking I was uniquely socially anxious only to discover later on that half the people I knew were as bad or worse than me. I developed a Buddhist practice that helped a lot. It was transformative, in fact. If the idea of Buddhist meditation weirds you out, you might find Jon Kabat Zinn's approach more comfortable. And yes, Howard Zinn was his step-dad.
posted by jwhite1979 at 4:04 PM on April 8, 2021 [3 favorites]
posted by jwhite1979 at 4:04 PM on April 8, 2021 [3 favorites]
I also experience this on a regular basis, and only recently did I realize that this is social anxiety, and that it's pretty common.
Without really realizing it, I've become adept at play-acting a version of myself where I'm sociable and engaged. It's hard to describe how to get there mentally, but the trick seems to be about putting some distance between and the person I usually identify with and the person engaging with other people at whatever social function. It's not intentionally dishonest: I'm playing myself, I'm not making anything up, but it takes effort and it's very much a performance.
One major drawback to this approach is that it's harder to maintain with people you see on a regular basis. It works better with people you meet once and never see again.
posted by sportbucket at 4:49 PM on April 8, 2021 [2 favorites]
Without really realizing it, I've become adept at play-acting a version of myself where I'm sociable and engaged. It's hard to describe how to get there mentally, but the trick seems to be about putting some distance between and the person I usually identify with and the person engaging with other people at whatever social function. It's not intentionally dishonest: I'm playing myself, I'm not making anything up, but it takes effort and it's very much a performance.
One major drawback to this approach is that it's harder to maintain with people you see on a regular basis. It works better with people you meet once and never see again.
posted by sportbucket at 4:49 PM on April 8, 2021 [2 favorites]
I'm like this and I found this book helpful: How to be Yourself by Ellen Hendriksen. It was available as an ebook and audiobook through my library app.
posted by beyond_pink at 11:35 PM on April 8, 2021 [2 favorites]
posted by beyond_pink at 11:35 PM on April 8, 2021 [2 favorites]
I used to be like this and this might not be pleasant to hear, but it was a painful process to change, because in order to do so I had to realise that thinking in these ways and the actions that result, are selfish.
It’s very hard to acknowledge the selfishness. It took many stages of “ooh noo I’m not a selfish person! How could I be selfish? Little old me who is so scared and anxious and vulnerable? I’m just doing my bumbling best and it’s not my fault other people are so judgemental and frightening! And besides, I’m my own worst critic, I’m so hard on myself, surely that means I’m not being selfish” before it clicked.
This process began to come about because I had the good fortune of some assertive people telling me I had been rude and offended them. Obviously I was aghast: little shy me would never be deliberately rude! But I had been perceived as rude because of exactly the mechanism that you describe. I was so caught up in my own self-image I totally failed to be engaged with the other person. It comes off as arrogant, dismissive, thoughtless. Being self-centered doesn’t just mean people who think they’re the greatest thing since sliced bread. Self-centeredness can also be “negative”- thinking you’re the worst and being constantly self-critical.
In order to change- and you’re already more than half way there by identifying the issue and wanting to change!- you have to really internalise that every single person is as alive as you. Everyone has insecurities. Everyone is afraid of being judged and rejected. And when you realise this, you realise that you have power in interpersonal communication to make the other person feel better. Not only that but you have a responsibility as a social being to stop fretting about your internal image of yourself, so you can fulfil all the wonderful potential you have to communicate well and be a good force in other people's lives.
It is hard! And it won’t help to start beating yourself up about being selfish, either. Because we also all are selfish in this way! It takes courage and work to really start identifying with the other person and giving yourself to them, rather than doing the thing that feels safe and protective of obsessing about your flaws.
One thing that really boosted my confidence and ability to do this was working in hospitality. Customers want one thing: to feel good and feel like someone is taking care of them and paying attention. When I first started as a waitress I was so shy and awkward and it made everyone unhappy, even though I sort of thought it was humble and righteous to be selfaware of how shitty and flawed I was as a waitress and person and be apologetic for that internally and externally. But when I realised customers actually needed me to be confident enough to pay attention to them rather than to my own sense of inadequacy I became a really good waitress. Because I was focused on my role and what I could do for them, and it was a beautiful feedback loop where the more helpful and attentive I was, the happier the customer was, and the more confident I felt.
So I advise doing something you’d find hard and scary, something social with other people, and really focus on what you can give. Maybe volunteering with kids, or the elderly or something like that? And when you see how being open and giving and focused on others makes them happy, makes them like you and respond to you warmly, you’ll start seeing yourself more and more that way too, and all the petty concerns about zits etc will fade away.
I do think you have to put yourself in the challenging situation first. Because if you try to “build confidence” just by changing your thought patterns, all you’d be doing is just carrying on being self-centered. But something helpful you can do is compassion-focused internal work to reduce your judgement of yourself and others. The suggestion above for Buddhist practice is an excellent one to follow.
posted by Balthamos at 1:27 AM on April 9, 2021 [21 favorites]
It’s very hard to acknowledge the selfishness. It took many stages of “ooh noo I’m not a selfish person! How could I be selfish? Little old me who is so scared and anxious and vulnerable? I’m just doing my bumbling best and it’s not my fault other people are so judgemental and frightening! And besides, I’m my own worst critic, I’m so hard on myself, surely that means I’m not being selfish” before it clicked.
This process began to come about because I had the good fortune of some assertive people telling me I had been rude and offended them. Obviously I was aghast: little shy me would never be deliberately rude! But I had been perceived as rude because of exactly the mechanism that you describe. I was so caught up in my own self-image I totally failed to be engaged with the other person. It comes off as arrogant, dismissive, thoughtless. Being self-centered doesn’t just mean people who think they’re the greatest thing since sliced bread. Self-centeredness can also be “negative”- thinking you’re the worst and being constantly self-critical.
In order to change- and you’re already more than half way there by identifying the issue and wanting to change!- you have to really internalise that every single person is as alive as you. Everyone has insecurities. Everyone is afraid of being judged and rejected. And when you realise this, you realise that you have power in interpersonal communication to make the other person feel better. Not only that but you have a responsibility as a social being to stop fretting about your internal image of yourself, so you can fulfil all the wonderful potential you have to communicate well and be a good force in other people's lives.
It is hard! And it won’t help to start beating yourself up about being selfish, either. Because we also all are selfish in this way! It takes courage and work to really start identifying with the other person and giving yourself to them, rather than doing the thing that feels safe and protective of obsessing about your flaws.
One thing that really boosted my confidence and ability to do this was working in hospitality. Customers want one thing: to feel good and feel like someone is taking care of them and paying attention. When I first started as a waitress I was so shy and awkward and it made everyone unhappy, even though I sort of thought it was humble and righteous to be selfaware of how shitty and flawed I was as a waitress and person and be apologetic for that internally and externally. But when I realised customers actually needed me to be confident enough to pay attention to them rather than to my own sense of inadequacy I became a really good waitress. Because I was focused on my role and what I could do for them, and it was a beautiful feedback loop where the more helpful and attentive I was, the happier the customer was, and the more confident I felt.
So I advise doing something you’d find hard and scary, something social with other people, and really focus on what you can give. Maybe volunteering with kids, or the elderly or something like that? And when you see how being open and giving and focused on others makes them happy, makes them like you and respond to you warmly, you’ll start seeing yourself more and more that way too, and all the petty concerns about zits etc will fade away.
I do think you have to put yourself in the challenging situation first. Because if you try to “build confidence” just by changing your thought patterns, all you’d be doing is just carrying on being self-centered. But something helpful you can do is compassion-focused internal work to reduce your judgement of yourself and others. The suggestion above for Buddhist practice is an excellent one to follow.
posted by Balthamos at 1:27 AM on April 9, 2021 [21 favorites]
Very much along the lines of what Balthamos suggests, the key word that helped me shift my understanding was "vanity" — shyness being the external manifestation of vanity. Ultimately we can't control what other people think of us anyway; letting go of that was huge for me. You're clearly on the right track if you're asking this question!
posted by saramour at 9:15 AM on April 9, 2021 [2 favorites]
posted by saramour at 9:15 AM on April 9, 2021 [2 favorites]
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I think this approach depends on the root cause of your anxiety, but you could consider it! CBT is what therapists always went for with me around the social anxiety, so it might be worth looking into that as well.
posted by nevernines at 3:23 PM on April 8, 2021 [2 favorites]