Shacking up: Finances for older folks edition

February 9, 2021 1:52 PM

My partner and I are planning to live together. We are near retirement and both own houses (with a few years left to pay). Should we move into his place and rent/sell mine? Sell both and buy something new? How do we deal with complicated financial lives as mature people?

We are both quite attached to our own houses, for different reasons, and reluctant to sell them. The options are I move in with him or we buy a place together.

If we buy a house together, how do we decide if we should rent or sell our current homes?
If I move in with him, how do I decide if I should rent or sell my house?
If I move in with him, how do we split expenses?
My income is nearly double his (after alimony) - not sure how/if to factor this in?

I have consulted previous asks here, here and here but would appreciate a fresh perspective applicable to our specific situation.

posted by Frenchy67 to Human Relations (8 answers total)

Based on the experiences of a friend, I would strongly recommend getting a new place together. If you move into his place, it will never really feel like 'yours'. There probably won't be much room for your furniture, and depending on his personality, he may be reluctant to let you change things.

As for rent vs sell, I think the bottom line is whether you want to be a landlord. When I moved in with my boyfriend years ago, for practical reasons, I wanted to keep my condo (in case we broke up, for example). But in the end, I realized that I had zero desire to be a landlord, and that if we did break up, that I'd want a new, fresh place anyway. I was able to sell my condo for a nice profit, and have zero regrets about it.
posted by hydra77 at 1:58 PM on February 9, 2021 [9 favorites]

Absolutely agree with hydra77. If you move into his house, it will still be his house and vice versa. We bought a new house together and it is our house with no memories of previous relationships and everything about it is ours, not his or hers.

As for the income, we had the same situation. You must pay the same amount for the house (after selling your old one). If you are better off you can volunteer to pay a bit more of the household expenses.
posted by TheRaven at 2:20 PM on February 9, 2021

Given the high transaction costs, you don't want to buy a house together and have to resell it any time soon. So one factor is how secure you feel about the relationship and what you would do with the house if you buy it together and decide to split a year or two later.
posted by metahawk at 8:10 PM on February 9, 2021 [1 favorite]

I assume there is some reason that moving in to your place is not listed here? And that there is some reason, presumably financial, that the two of you do not just "move in together" in terms of maintaining two places together, but moving together between them? Are both the houses in the same general location? Would one be a lot easier to sell than the other? And I'm not sure of the "after alimony" part of your statement. Does this mean that he pays alimony so that after he's paid that, his income is about half of yours? Or after you've both paid alimony your income is still double his? Generally speaking I would be looking at all of your expenses, both of yours, and not just his alimony as if it was different from mortgages and other regular predictable expenses.

Since you are both nearing retirement age, I think it's a really good opportunity for buying a place together that would work for people aging in place. Unless, that is, that either one of your places is already pretty well set up for that. And some of this has to do with how comfortable you both would be sharing expenses, etc. Many of the couples I know who met later in life have a sort of "three accounts" approach which is that they each maintain their own accounts and then they have a "house account" that they share and contribute to in a way that seems equitable for both people (honestly, whatever seems fair to you both is the best solution) and which is used to pay for joint expenses.
posted by jessamyn at 8:33 PM on February 9, 2021 [1 favorite]

Would it be wise to talk to a lawyer about something like a pre-nuptial agreement? Even people you know well change as they age.
posted by Cranberry at 12:34 AM on February 10, 2021 [3 favorites]

Do you and your SO live far apart? Why isn’t living in YOUR house an option? If your salary is double your partner’s, I think it’s important that you have lots of conversations about whether you’re willing to take on a higher proportion of the financial burden. How much equity do you have in your home? Is it more or less than your partner has? Is one home in a more desirable real estate market than the other? Is it necessary that you move in together before you’ve retired in order to continue seeing one another? If your partner is paying alimony (I think I’ve parsed that correctly from your question?), what are the terms of that arrangement? Will he have to continue paying unless and until his ex remarries? What will that do to his financial bottom line after retirement?

You don’t mention your gender, and I don’t mean to presume, but if you identify as female I implore you to make your own financial health and future security your top priority...even if that ultimately means that it doesn’t make sense to move in with your partner.
posted by little mouth at 9:52 AM on February 10, 2021 [2 favorites]

The answers to all of these questions depend on a lot of very individual personal and financial situations. But remember the option of renting a place together as well; that could mitigate some of the downsides of these choices.
posted by metasarah at 10:57 AM on February 10, 2021

Response by poster: Thank you so much everyone. There is a lot to think about.

Since a few of you have asked:
- my house is too small for both of us
- his house is a much farther commute to work for me
- we earn about the same but his ex gets half of his salary (then half his pension once he retires)
posted by Frenchy67 at 11:39 AM on February 10, 2021