How to sustain relationships with long-distance nephews/nieces?
January 11, 2021 12:48 AM Subscribe
I have three nephews/nieces (to two siblings) on the other side of the world, all under 5, and I'd like to have a meaningful relationship with them as they grow older. If you had an excellent aunt/uncle who lived far away, what did they do that helped build that relationship? Or if you that relationship with a newphew/niece, what tips do you have?
I live in Sweden, and the rest of my family life in Australia. I realised recently that I've seen my five-year-old niece three times in her life, and that at this rate I'll see her only a handful of times before she's an adult (I'm extrapolating from limited data, I know). I had lots of aunts and uncles growing up but never developed a particularly close relationship with any of them, and I would like to be more of a support/friend to my niece/nephews than my uncles and aunts were to me (none of them were bad at all, I just don't think they put much time into building a relationship with me - they all had their own families, quite understandable, etc.).
I chat to my sisters every couple of weeks, and chat to their kids a bit. We have a good relationship at the moment, but I'm aware that may not be so easy to maintain as they get older and are perhaps less interested in some distant uncle they only see every couple of years.
I know it's unlikely that we'll be best friends, given the distance, but I'd like to lay the groundwork for a close relationship.
To avoid going on too long, the original question is the simplest: if you had an excellent aunt/uncle who lived far away, what did they do that helped build that relationship?
I live in Sweden, and the rest of my family life in Australia. I realised recently that I've seen my five-year-old niece three times in her life, and that at this rate I'll see her only a handful of times before she's an adult (I'm extrapolating from limited data, I know). I had lots of aunts and uncles growing up but never developed a particularly close relationship with any of them, and I would like to be more of a support/friend to my niece/nephews than my uncles and aunts were to me (none of them were bad at all, I just don't think they put much time into building a relationship with me - they all had their own families, quite understandable, etc.).
I chat to my sisters every couple of weeks, and chat to their kids a bit. We have a good relationship at the moment, but I'm aware that may not be so easy to maintain as they get older and are perhaps less interested in some distant uncle they only see every couple of years.
I know it's unlikely that we'll be best friends, given the distance, but I'd like to lay the groundwork for a close relationship.
To avoid going on too long, the original question is the simplest: if you had an excellent aunt/uncle who lived far away, what did they do that helped build that relationship?
I can also offer the involved auntie story. Most of my relationships with my eight nieces and nephews (from my two siblings) has been built over video chat. So much so that when my sister visited with my first niece around eleven months, she was amazed that Clara didn’t shy away like she did with most ‘new faces’ for the first half hour.
The kids are now six months to 10 years old and with the pandemic, my sister’s kids are used to me FaceTiming on a specific day and when school is out they all get their turn to chat or play with me. The oldest will lead me through board games that I can barely see, but Connect Four has been great. We set that up in front of their iPad camera and I can see the full board. My three year old nephew doesn’t care about actual game play, but we play it nearly weekly.
I video chat much less with my brother’s family, but most weekends when I have my usual Saturday call with the kids, they jump on to say hi and chat a bit. I do a lot of crafting and try to send the kids things that tie into their current interests and aim to do the same with simple birthday and holiday gifts, hoping that there’s some inner sense of wow, Jessi really knows what I’m into/she gets me.
What seems to be important is that the kids are familiar with you, enjoy the moments you share, and will see you as a resource/trusted family member as they grow up. I’m seeing that now with the oldest who likes to chat on the phone. Auntie life is really terrific and I’m glad you have a chance to experience that and are looking into ways to further your relationships. It’s been a really fulfilling part of my life.
posted by icaicaer at 4:38 AM on January 11, 2021 [1 favorite]
The kids are now six months to 10 years old and with the pandemic, my sister’s kids are used to me FaceTiming on a specific day and when school is out they all get their turn to chat or play with me. The oldest will lead me through board games that I can barely see, but Connect Four has been great. We set that up in front of their iPad camera and I can see the full board. My three year old nephew doesn’t care about actual game play, but we play it nearly weekly.
I video chat much less with my brother’s family, but most weekends when I have my usual Saturday call with the kids, they jump on to say hi and chat a bit. I do a lot of crafting and try to send the kids things that tie into their current interests and aim to do the same with simple birthday and holiday gifts, hoping that there’s some inner sense of wow, Jessi really knows what I’m into/she gets me.
What seems to be important is that the kids are familiar with you, enjoy the moments you share, and will see you as a resource/trusted family member as they grow up. I’m seeing that now with the oldest who likes to chat on the phone. Auntie life is really terrific and I’m glad you have a chance to experience that and are looking into ways to further your relationships. It’s been a really fulfilling part of my life.
posted by icaicaer at 4:38 AM on January 11, 2021 [1 favorite]
You are now the family cultural ambassador for your country.
Talk with local teachers and daycare workers about what would be age-appropriate and fun to send as "This is what we do" snapshots.
Check with your friends with children about what kids enjoy at that age. Include a note -- "Nils and Astrid love playing this board game with their friends. Here is a translation of what they think about it."
And double check with your sisters about what they think would be appreciated -- no drum sets for an apartment, for instance.
Include a recent picture (bonus points for pets) and a few sentences about what your life is like in Sweden.
Be consistent. Don't be the fun uncle, and then flake off and have the kids wondering what they did wrong to annoy you.
This may be a winter holidays thing, which blends into all the other stuff the nieces and nephews will enjoy. I would be hesitant about playing up birthdays, unless you a good about getting those cards and packages in the mail.
Don't expect replies, unless their families are big on thank you letters. This is sowing good feelings about extended families and long-distance relationships, not keeping score.
posted by TrishaU at 4:44 AM on January 11, 2021
Talk with local teachers and daycare workers about what would be age-appropriate and fun to send as "This is what we do" snapshots.
Check with your friends with children about what kids enjoy at that age. Include a note -- "Nils and Astrid love playing this board game with their friends. Here is a translation of what they think about it."
And double check with your sisters about what they think would be appreciated -- no drum sets for an apartment, for instance.
Include a recent picture (bonus points for pets) and a few sentences about what your life is like in Sweden.
Be consistent. Don't be the fun uncle, and then flake off and have the kids wondering what they did wrong to annoy you.
This may be a winter holidays thing, which blends into all the other stuff the nieces and nephews will enjoy. I would be hesitant about playing up birthdays, unless you a good about getting those cards and packages in the mail.
Don't expect replies, unless their families are big on thank you letters. This is sowing good feelings about extended families and long-distance relationships, not keeping score.
posted by TrishaU at 4:44 AM on January 11, 2021
I had a very involved, now sadly deceased and much missed, aunt whom I didn't see for years at a go during my childhood. She used to send me letters regularly which was lovely. After she passed away I discovered that she kept all the letters I sent her in a folder, from my childish scrawls to the longer letters I wrote as I got older. She would also send me, as I grew older, things in line with my interests like books and albums etc. She used to keep tabs on the kind of things I was interested in so that we could have long, involved phone conversations about the relative merits of this band versus that band, etc.
I am now a similarly very involved aunt to very young children living in a different country. I send them things regularly and have tried reading books to them on Zoom but it doesn't work all that well. Sometimes they chat on video for ages and other times they're not in the mood. I've found a key to maintaining our relationship is actually making sure my relationship with their parents are strong. So I'll regularly videocall my siblings and have long conversations with them which the kids can choose to participate in or not as they prefer. This takes the pressure off the kids to participate but it means that they can hear their parents talking with me as they go about their day and it makes me a sort of low-pressure, everyday part of their family life.
posted by unicorn chaser at 5:23 AM on January 11, 2021 [3 favorites]
I am now a similarly very involved aunt to very young children living in a different country. I send them things regularly and have tried reading books to them on Zoom but it doesn't work all that well. Sometimes they chat on video for ages and other times they're not in the mood. I've found a key to maintaining our relationship is actually making sure my relationship with their parents are strong. So I'll regularly videocall my siblings and have long conversations with them which the kids can choose to participate in or not as they prefer. This takes the pressure off the kids to participate but it means that they can hear their parents talking with me as they go about their day and it makes me a sort of low-pressure, everyday part of their family life.
posted by unicorn chaser at 5:23 AM on January 11, 2021 [3 favorites]
At the very young age that they are, the thing that gets you the best name recognition is to send them presents, ideally outside of birthdays and Christmas. Little kids are hard to hold conversations with, but once they are two or so, they love presents. Video chat with them after they get the present -- not to demand a thank you, just to see if they got it and liked it and so that they associate it with you.
If you can mail it to them with their name on the package, so much the better. Most kids love the idea of getting their own mail, even if they can't yet read their own name.
posted by jacquilynne at 6:07 AM on January 11, 2021 [4 favorites]
If you can mail it to them with their name on the package, so much the better. Most kids love the idea of getting their own mail, even if they can't yet read their own name.
posted by jacquilynne at 6:07 AM on January 11, 2021 [4 favorites]
I have a good relationship with my two nieces, 8 and 6. I live on East Coast they live on West Coast.
Kids at this age are not looking for support or counsel, but this is the age you can seed that potential relationship. At 5 they are looking for adults that unabashedly support their often-boring-for-adults interests, like the toys they collect or stories they make up. Their parents, understandably, don't *always* want to play these kinds of games so I've found it best to just be a huge, supportive cheerleader of the bizarre stuff 5 year olds like. We meet on Facetime a lot and I mostly listen and support as they try on filters, and show me their stuffies for the millionth time.
And this is what I remember from my closest aunt / uncle - they always were just supportive and interested in me, and I am still very close to them in my middle age.
posted by RajahKing at 6:33 AM on January 11, 2021 [3 favorites]
Kids at this age are not looking for support or counsel, but this is the age you can seed that potential relationship. At 5 they are looking for adults that unabashedly support their often-boring-for-adults interests, like the toys they collect or stories they make up. Their parents, understandably, don't *always* want to play these kinds of games so I've found it best to just be a huge, supportive cheerleader of the bizarre stuff 5 year olds like. We meet on Facetime a lot and I mostly listen and support as they try on filters, and show me their stuffies for the millionth time.
And this is what I remember from my closest aunt / uncle - they always were just supportive and interested in me, and I am still very close to them in my middle age.
posted by RajahKing at 6:33 AM on January 11, 2021 [3 favorites]
Are you able to travel to see them? When I was a kid my Swedish second cousins in their 20s used to come and spend a few weeks in the UK in the summer and stay a few nights with each batch of the family. I still remember them being THE COOLEST because they would do stuff like play football with us and have barbecues and dangle us upside down and tell stories about their travels. Even without any interim contact at all, those memories are really strong and I would 100% go to see these relatives if I were to visit Sweden even though its now been over a decade since I last saw them. So I say: make real tangible memories if you can manage to go see them every few years!
posted by Balthamos at 10:27 AM on January 11, 2021
posted by Balthamos at 10:27 AM on January 11, 2021
Much of my extended family is overseas but came for visits (1-2 summers or extended holidays) as a child. They would play with me and I still have great memories from then. Don't underestimate the power of an extended visit on young children. I don't speak to these relatives regularly today, but feel comfortable reaching out to them, care about them, and looking back, it is really because of those few visits.
posted by gemutlichkeit at 11:15 AM on January 11, 2021
posted by gemutlichkeit at 11:15 AM on January 11, 2021
Rajah King: At 5 they are looking for adults that unabashedly support their often-boring-for-adults interests, like the toys they collect or stories they make up. Their parents, understandably, don't *always* want to play these kinds of games so I've found it best to just be a huge, supportive cheerleader of the bizarre stuff 5 year olds like. We meet on Facetime a lot and I mostly listen and support as they try on filters, and show me their stuffies for the millionth time.
So true. My partner and I have a niece and a “niece” (cousin’s daughter) who like to text us and FaceTime us and play games or show us their crafts/dolls. Sometimes their parents participate in the calls and sometimes not. Sometimes it’s us initiating the call and sometimes it’s them. I think the thing they like is that when we are talking to them it’s clear Auntie and Uncle are fully focused on them as little people and interested in hearing about their activities and interests, and playing games with them even if, yes, it’s a little boring and repetitive—not that we ever let on! We have the time and energy for it partly because we don’t have kids of our own. It also helps that we’ve been video chatting with them since they were little, and (until covid) we also would see them at least once a year in person since they were babies.
unicorn chaser: I've found a key to maintaining our relationship is actually making sure my relationship with their parents are strong.
Seconding that cultivating a strong relationship with their parents helps too. I know my brother and his ex, and my cousins, all talk about us positively and encourage the kids to have good relationships with us, and it shows. We are all close family types who stay in regular touch though we live far away.
gemutlichkeit: Much of my extended family is overseas but came for visits (1-2 summers or extended holidays) as a child. They would play with me and I still have great memories from then.
Same here. I have an aunt who lives overseas but stayed for a couple of month long visits when I was a child and my family also stayed with her for a couple of month long visits when I was a kid. I feel like I spent a lot of time with her and got to know her well, and I am still in contact with her as an adult over text and video chat.
posted by hurdy gurdy girl at 11:34 AM on January 11, 2021
So true. My partner and I have a niece and a “niece” (cousin’s daughter) who like to text us and FaceTime us and play games or show us their crafts/dolls. Sometimes their parents participate in the calls and sometimes not. Sometimes it’s us initiating the call and sometimes it’s them. I think the thing they like is that when we are talking to them it’s clear Auntie and Uncle are fully focused on them as little people and interested in hearing about their activities and interests, and playing games with them even if, yes, it’s a little boring and repetitive—not that we ever let on! We have the time and energy for it partly because we don’t have kids of our own. It also helps that we’ve been video chatting with them since they were little, and (until covid) we also would see them at least once a year in person since they were babies.
unicorn chaser: I've found a key to maintaining our relationship is actually making sure my relationship with their parents are strong.
Seconding that cultivating a strong relationship with their parents helps too. I know my brother and his ex, and my cousins, all talk about us positively and encourage the kids to have good relationships with us, and it shows. We are all close family types who stay in regular touch though we live far away.
gemutlichkeit: Much of my extended family is overseas but came for visits (1-2 summers or extended holidays) as a child. They would play with me and I still have great memories from then.
Same here. I have an aunt who lives overseas but stayed for a couple of month long visits when I was a child and my family also stayed with her for a couple of month long visits when I was a kid. I feel like I spent a lot of time with her and got to know her well, and I am still in contact with her as an adult over text and video chat.
posted by hurdy gurdy girl at 11:34 AM on January 11, 2021
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posted by El_Marto at 4:12 AM on January 11, 2021 [1 favorite]