Friend seeking reassurance I don't want to give--what do?

December 29, 2020 4:06 PM

A friend of mine keeps asking me to validate a choice they made that they know I don't agree with. How do I respond graciously without denying my own values?

Friend chose to do something they know I think is bad but is totally fine with our shared society at large. (Think: moving to the suburbs, when Friend and many of our mutual friends previously bonded over a shared belief that suburbs are bad for the environment.)

I don't want to give Friend a hard time, but living in a city for environmental reasons is a core value of mine and I'm not comfortable saying something like, those other suburb dwellers are bad but you're all good.

But Friend seems to want exactly that. Friend will contact me and be like, I had to mow the lawn today and I felt so bad about it. But I think my house is a really good green-certified house, not like all those other bad suburban houses, right?

What would you say in response? I have tried the fairly direct ("I get why you moved but you can't expect your friends the suburb haters to say your suburb is uniquely worthwhile") and the vague-but-accurate ("If you've got a yard you've gotta mow the lawn sometimes"). I don't want to hurt my friend's feelings, and I also don't see the point of explaining all the reasons I don't like suburbs when Friend knows where I stand, but I don't wanna be the suburb confessional anymore.

Thanks!
Not a burb fan

posted by Argyle Road to Human Relations (21 answers total)

nest time: As we've discussed a few times, I'm not a fan of moving to the suburbs. But we don't have to agree 100% for us to be friends.
time after that: It seems like this keeps coming up. What's the deal?
posted by theora55 at 4:12 PM on December 29, 2020

I have tried the fairly direct ("I get why you moved but you can't expect your friends the suburb haters to say your suburb is uniquely worthwhile") and the vague-but-accurate ("If you've got a yard you've gotta mow the lawn sometimes").

How did your friend respond when you tried these?
posted by trig at 4:14 PM on December 29, 2020

“It sounds to me like you’re still conflicted about the move. It sounds like part of you wanted to go for (reasons) but the other part of you can’t make peace with the environmental impact. Can I help you talk about it so you can come to peace with your decision?”
posted by St. Peepsburg at 4:24 PM on December 29, 2020

Maybe they're looking for some kind of penance. They know living in the suburbs has problematic aspects and are trying their best in the situation but want you to tell them to do something so that they can get over the guilt they feel.
posted by any portmanteau in a storm at 4:55 PM on December 29, 2020

You sound like a very kind and patient person, much kinder and more patient than me. If somebody kept asking me those kinds of questions, I'd be tempted to confront it head on, e.g. "This subject keeps coming up with us, and I can't help but feel that there must be more to it than appears on the surface, since you know my views very well. What is it you're trying to get at?"

If they persisted, I'd probably start saying things like "Sounds to me you're feeling pretty guilty about the decision to move. Are you sure suburban life really is for you?"
posted by rpfields at 5:02 PM on December 29, 2020

"You are free to make your own decisions in life, but I am not obligated to like them or validate them. On the question of your move we will have to agree to disagree. For the sake of our friendship, I do not wish to discuss this with you any more."

Then any time she brings this up again, you can repeat the last line, "For the sake of our friendship, I don't want to discuss this with you." Then change the subject or gently end the conversation if she continues.
posted by brookeb at 5:12 PM on December 29, 2020

It sounds like your friend is feeling guilty about the choice they made, and is concerned that it could be the source of strife in your relationship. And from what you write it sounds like it IS the source of strife so is worth addressing. You can choose to help relieve some of their guilt without validating the behavior.

You don't need to validate their choices or behavior, but explicitly validating their worth and friendship might help. I would say something like "You know I don't agree with you about living in the suburbs, but it's not really a big deal. We don't have to agree on everything to be friends, what really matters is (something positive)". Probably not that exact language but hopefully you get the idea, you want to move past this issue and stop them from focusing on it
posted by JZig at 5:18 PM on December 29, 2020

My response in these cases is generally some variant on "well you know what I'm going to say about that!" and then change or realign the subject. They are perfectly well aware of your position here, so you can note that as a way of gently sidestepping their attempt to get you to play whatever role they need you to play. They can do both halves of this dialogue!
posted by babelfish at 5:34 PM on December 29, 2020

I don’t get the guilty vibe at all, I think they are just a person who has a house/garden now and it takes enough time that it becomes a de-facto hobby or interest or leaves them with little else to talk about, or for that matter *is* the thing they want to talk about most. They’re maybe feeling a little guilty that they’ve changed, and hoping you will still wanna be friends, but they don’t feel guilty for having the house.

Am in same situation with a friend who I bonded over our disinterest in having children and our lack of patience for people who only talk about their kids etc. Guess who has a baby now and only wants to talk about the baby, and tries to organize times to hang out so I can meet the baby. I’m sure your baby is lovely but I am no more interested in it than *either of us* were in anyone else’s a year ago.
posted by Iteki at 6:41 PM on December 29, 2020

I didn’t answer the question, I got sidetracked. My point was you are likely going to lose this friend over this. She’s one of those people now and none likes their choices to be invalidated. Let her do the chasing/following up, comin g in to the city to meet, etc for a while and I imagine the situation will sort itself out as a gentle ghosting. Send (virtual environmentally friendly) Christmas cards or whatever if you want to stay vaguely in touch, she might be back from the burbs in years to come, life is long.
posted by Iteki at 6:45 PM on December 29, 2020

There is a two-step process that I think will help here - and I will tell you the second step first.

The next time something like this comes up, gently say that "you know, I've noticed that you seem to be trying to justify yourself to me a lot about this house. Is there anything I've said that is making you feel like I'm angry at you for making this choice?" And if they say yes, then apologize - and say that yes, a life in the suburbs is a choice you personally would not have made, but if it was right for them, then fair enough. And tell them that it doesn't mean that you think less of them or that you are not their friend any more.

The first step is to get yourself to the point where you actually can say those things and mean them.

Because - dude, I hear you about the average environmental impact of the average suburban house, but it's the major corporations that are doing way the fuck more than your average suburban house, so continuing to let your friend think you were giving them side-eye for making an individual choice that was probably impacted by way more factors than their own individual environmental impact is kinda...petty. We all have to do what we are able to do, and your friend making a couple of concessions by moving to the suburbs might very well be letting them strengthen their commitment to other things that also serve the world. At least they are doing what they can by getting as green a house as they could find.

So - your friend isn't asking you to validate their choices. Your friend is picking up on you judging them for what they did, and they are asking you if you can get past that - and the fact that they keep asking is because you aren't getting past that. I would suggest that you decide whether you will learn to get past that, or whether you want this to be the thing that breaks you up - because at some point them asking you for validation is going to turn into them getting mad at you for thinking you're better than them, without you having said anything to that effect - becuase they can hear you thinking it.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 7:40 PM on December 29, 2020

"I'm happy that you're happy."

It doesn't have to be about your likes and dislikes. Your friend made a choice that presumably makes them happy. Remove the conflict and disapproval from your relationship with Friend and they'll stop seeking your approval.
posted by bendy at 7:43 PM on December 29, 2020

Oh man, Friend didn't actually move to the suburbs, just did a thing along those lines, which is less life-consuming than getting a house. I originally had all my [suburban examples] in brackets but decided it was too annoying. Guess I went too far in the other direction! That probably doesn't change your helpful advice, though, thank you for it!

I do talk to Friend about plenty of other things, so I am pretty sure Friend knows we are still friends.

Another wrinkle is that Friend probably cares what I think since I am a true-believer [urban sustainability] expert. So I feel like Friend is asking me to betray my lifelong principles and professional training and bestow my [urban sustainability expert] blessing on [friend's suburban house] and I don't feel comfortable doing that. I have said I understand why Friend got a [suburban house], and I do, but I just can't bring myself to say, all the other [houses] are bad but yours is good, which seems like the response Friend wants. (I get that Friend isn't bringing these feelings to the table, I am, but I am having trouble shaking them.)
posted by Argyle Road at 8:09 PM on December 29, 2020

“Pal, you know where I stand on this and I’m not going to backpedal on it but I’m sure you’re doing your best to make your [house] better.”
posted by kimberussell at 8:27 PM on December 29, 2020

“Friend, you already know where i stand on suburban living, but its fine that we have different thoughts on the matter. My feelings aren’t going to change though, so I’m not sure what you want me to say here. But if you’re happy, I’m happy for you.”
posted by cgg at 8:37 PM on December 29, 2020

Is there any basis to this friendship besides a shared disapproval of [living in the suburbs] and related interests? Sometimes people grow apart and friendships end. Are you struggling with this issue because you genuinely value the friendship or because you are relunctant to lose it for whatever reason? My suggestion isn't a scripted response. It's to answer these questions about where the friendship stands and let those answers guide your next response to your friend.
posted by Stuka at 9:11 PM on December 29, 2020

Have you tried being a bit more forthcoming? When they say, “but my house is green-certified and not as bad, right?” can you just say, “true, though there is still some negative environmental impact” or “you said something like that the other day, do you feel concerned about the choice?”

The first option is one I’d take if the friend is fairly factual/logical. With a more emotional friend, I’d take the second tack. It gives them some space to tell the truth and for you to validate that you still care about them as your friend, even if you would have made a different choice.
posted by stoneandstar at 9:31 PM on December 29, 2020

You could also share a version of what you said here, like, "So you keep bringing up [lawn, suburban-stuff, etc.]...and I keep feeling like you want me to give you my blessing, like all other [houses] are bad but yours is good. Is this what's happening? Or is this just me projecting onto you?""

And depending on how much reassurance you think they'd need, you can add on the reaffirmation of friendship that others above have suggested, e.g., "Because you know that regardless of any of this [suburban stuff], I'm still going to be your friend. While I don't agree with [suburban stuff], our friendship is about way more than that and still very important to me."

This won't be the whole conversation, but it's one more way you could try to open it up with them.
posted by obliterati at 9:29 AM on December 30, 2020

"Friend, I've noticed you talking to me a lot about the LEED certification on your new suburban house and I wanted to clarify a few things. You know I'm not into suburbs. I'm just not, and I'm never going to be.

But, that said, you don't need me to be into every element in your life. And, I love you and value your friendship wherever you live. So, don't feel like you have to justify it to me, OK?"
posted by hungrytiger at 7:25 PM on December 30, 2020

Friend will contact me and be like, I had to mow the lawn today and I felt so bad about it. But I think my house is a really good green-certified house, not like all those other bad suburban houses, right?

I see on your update that this was just an analogy, but... I guess you want advice in the form of an analogy?

I would ignore the second statement and just focus on the first part, where your friend "had to" do X and felt so bad. I would point out that they don't actually have to do X, they could xeriscape their yard, or turn it into a food forest, or move, or pave their yard, or just ignore mowing the lawn.

Your friend might be kind of annoyed at you for focusing on this aspect of things instead of the vague reassurance they seem to want. Over time this will discourage them from bringing up this sort of topic in the future.
posted by yohko at 4:41 PM on January 2, 2021

I would reaffirm their right as an adult to make their own decisions and I nth asking "hey, you keep coming back to this. What gives?" every time thereafter.
posted by koucha at 11:20 PM on January 9, 2021