Don’t wish me happy Veterans Day

November 11, 2020 10:08 PM

Is there any decent way I can discourage my co-workers from telling me “Happy Veterans Day!”?

I was in the U.S. Marine Corps. And now I’m not. And Veterans Day isn’t Memorial Day, but it’s not a birthday party, either.

One of my co-workers sent a message to the entire staff, saying “Happy Veterans Day” to me and the two other military veterans who work here. The message was complete with a red-white-and-blue animated image.

I know she means well, but it really turns me off. I really don’t need anyone to say anything to me. But especially … it’s not Independence Day. Not that kind of holiday.

I told her thanks. Then I sent an e-mail to all, about the origin of Veterans Day (from Armistice Day, marking the end of World War I). I included President Woodrow Wilson’s address. Somber, right?

Then the reply from our director included “Happy Veterans Day!”

I also hear it from other people. So, is there any polite way I can discourage this in the future?

posted by NotLost to Human Relations (20 answers total)

Best answer: I am not a veteran. I suspect these people are trying to be nice and to honor your service. What I would love if I were in their shoes is for you to respond, “Thank you. Just FYI, what veterans/I would really like to hear on Veterans Day is” and then whatever that thing is, and then potentially adding “because” and a brief explanation, especially if it may be surprising to them. I would appreciate it the same way I’d appreciate someone from another culture or religion gently and in a friendly way telling me how to appropriately commemorate any other holiday. In fact, I’d love to hear your answer here so I can try to get it right in the future if the situation arises!
posted by bananacabana at 10:39 PM on November 11, 2020 [14 favorites]

You've got a few options. Don't reply or respond in any way, and it might back down. If that doesn't seem like it would work, I'd address it directly with your co-worker. You can either tell her that you don't really "celebrate" the day and would prefer not to be recognized or just say in general you'd rather not have attention called to it. I would not respond to the group (by engaging with the topic at all, you are demonstrating interest; they're not reading between the lines, and you can't expect them to).

"Hey Coworker, I really appreciate your kind message, but I don't celebrate Veterans Day and in general would prefer you not to include me in messages like that/would prefer not to have my military history come up at work."

So, either ignore it completely (a nod or quick "Thanks" if someone says something in person is plenty so you're not rude but otherwise do not engage) or be direct and address it with specific people who mention it. No more reply-alls.
posted by bluedaisy at 10:53 PM on November 11, 2020 [1 favorite]

(But in general, if what you want is for people to know and understand the true meaning of Veterans Day... that's a big ask. Folks are trying to be kind. You can try to educate them, but they might not get it, and it'll be an uphill battle.)
posted by bluedaisy at 10:54 PM on November 11, 2020 [6 favorites]

When you’re trying to change a behavior that’s seen as default polite you have to provide an alternative to fill the social gap. That’s why I have to tell people to wish me a happy Hanukkah instead of a merry Christmas even though Hanukkah is an unimportant holiday celebrating a military victory I don’t care about. You need to think about what you would like people to say instead, and then tell them exactly what you want.

I was under the impression that Veterans Day was to honor living veterans, so that would be you, right? Maybe you could say “I’d really prefer to just be thanked for my service and move on. This isn’t a happy holiday for me.” And then they can say “thank you for your service” from then on. If even that is too much, maybe you can think of something else, but people are going to think military holiday - NotLost is a veteran - gotta acknowledge them! and it’s up to you how you handle that. I would refrain from any subsequent reply-all emails regardless.
posted by Mizu at 12:36 AM on November 12, 2020 [4 favorites]

Best answer: In Canada it’s Remembrance Day and we wear a poppy and think of the poem In Flander’s Fields and take a minute of silence. So maybe you say “thank you. In honor of those who lost their lives and WW I and II, it would mean a lot to this veteran if you would please take a minute of silence to remember those who fought for the freedoms we now enjoy and to remember that peace is a choice each of us makes every day.”
posted by St. Peepsburg at 1:47 AM on November 12, 2020 [16 favorites]

Unfortunately, I don't think you are going to be able to do anything about this. Right or wrong, saying 'Happy Veterans Day' is the way that these people are thanking you for your service.

If someone asks you specifically about how you feel about Veterans Day, then by all means, tell them.

But otherwise, I don't see a good way to change this behavoir. You may reach one or two people per year, but the next year it will be a couple of different people.
posted by jazh at 2:31 AM on November 12, 2020 [9 favorites]

Best answer: As someone who's gotten a lot of "Happy Yom Kippur"s, I usually thank them and say "it's not really a happy holiday, though". If they ask I explain, but not otherwise. I try to say it with a smile, because after all they're making a gesture in good faith and with kind intent.

It does help that I can tell them an alternative thing to say if they ask (Shana tova still applies).

I think people feel the need to acknowledge Veterans Day and there isn't a widespread standard expression besides "Happy Veterans Day" to acknowledge it. I think sending out an email about the day made it look like you wanted acknowledgement, hence the response, even though that wasn't your intent.
posted by trig at 2:57 AM on November 12, 2020 [13 favorites]

If it's more that you're uncomfortable with people mentioned/referencing your military service at work, you can probably ask them to stop doing it, and then fewer people will know you are a veteran and it won't come up so much. If it's more that you want them to understand Veterans Day better or acknowledge it differently, you can try but it'll be an uphill, one person at a time, and 'still having to endure quite a few 'Happy Veterans Day' greetings each year' thing.
posted by plonkee at 4:34 AM on November 12, 2020

Best answer: I also think it's a losing battle. "Happy x Day" is so ingrained in us as a thing we say for any x special day. I am a mother to two veterans and I KNOW better, and even I unthinkingly said it yesterday.

We do really need alternative words for somber holidays. Maybe "thinking of you on veterans day..." but I don't know how you train people to use it.

You could possibly respond to emails like that with:
"It's not a happy day for me, but thank you for acknowledging it and thinking of me."

I like your effort to educate on the meaning of the day. It is good. Next year maybe consider getting out ahead of it by sending a message the day before:

"Tomorrow is Veterans Day and many people will want to acknowledge it. If you do, I would encourage you to use "thinking of you on veterans day" instead of "happy veterans day." ...and then your info about the day's origins and maybe an invitation to join you in the moment of silence.

By sending it first, instead of as a reply, you avoid sounding like you're scolding someone who has good intentions but said the wrong thing.
posted by evilmomlady at 4:41 AM on November 12, 2020 [13 favorites]

Best answer: Maybe you could try explaining with an analogy?

"Veterans day is a somber day for many veterans, and calling it "happy" seems off to me. It would be like if you were going to a funeral and I told you "Happy burial day!" It's just a different kind of remembrance. Could you consider saying "Thank you for your service" instead?"

But people can be pretty resistant to changing their default modes of interaction, especially if other people also do it. For example I hate hate hate that the 2001 terrorist attacks on New York and Washington are referred to with the shorthand 9/11. I was there in New York seeing people die, and I find it infuriatingly lazy that people can't make more effort than using a four syllable date when talking about it. But my perspective based on my feelings of grief and trauma from this event are not widely shared and no one gives a fuck about what I think. A couple times I've asked friends to change how they discuss it with me and it hasn't worked.
posted by medusa at 5:18 AM on November 12, 2020 [3 favorites]

Your response was appropriate, but some people didn't pick up. I'd maybe move on, because it's work. Or a grimace, and It never feels happy to me because it's so connected to war and loss. Start now, write a letter to the editor of the newspaper about it for next year; it'll get a lot of traction.
posted by theora55 at 5:57 AM on November 12, 2020 [6 favorites]

Do you have the kind of HR department that sends out periodic messages to the company on various topics? If so, maybe you could provide them with a short, friendly explanation of what Veteran's Day actually means and why it is not a celebratory holiday, along with a couple of suggestions for what is appropriate to say to honor a veteran if they wish to do so. If you can persuade HR to send it out as a company-wide email the day before, it might at least give some folks a clue and head off some of the inappropriateness before it starts.
posted by Serene Empress Dork at 6:16 AM on November 12, 2020 [8 favorites]

I'm just chiming in to say that I am a person that has no connection to any veterans at all, and even I felt squicked out when all the Happy Veteran's Day emails were flying around on company email yesterday. It just felt wrong. I didn't bother to read them to see if they were directed at any individuals in our department or if they were just random "holiday greetings". Maybe I'll go back and check, then send something to HR saying that we're a company that is recognized and awarded for our commitments to veterans so surely we can do better with our words.
posted by CathyG at 9:54 AM on November 12, 2020

The OP correctly focuses on how they can handle comments directed at them personally. This is correct because some other veterans feel differently than OP: they believe the end of a war (Armistice Day) is a reason to celebrate, agree with the 1938 Congressional Act which said it "is to be thereafter celebrated and known as 'Armistice Day'", and go out of their way to remind others of their military service because they like the annual acknowledgement. This is not to disagree with the OP's feelings: military service, particularly in war, is a complex and emotionally fraught beast, and it can be totally appropriate to not want a celebration. BUT, any response which assumes OP's feelings are universal, such as a company-wide email from HR, could alienate other veterans who totally appropriately want celebration and acknowledgement.
posted by sdrawkcaSSAb at 12:38 PM on November 12, 2020 [4 favorites]

A friend posted the following on FB (paraphrased)

If you really want to honor my service stop voting for assholes that abuse the military.
posted by COD at 3:41 PM on November 12, 2020 [2 favorites]

Excellent point, sdrawkcaSSAb
posted by evilmomlady at 3:42 PM on November 12, 2020 [1 favorite]

Maybe you could say “I’d really prefer to just be thanked for my service

Could you consider saying "Thank you for your service" instead?"

you CANNOT request a Thank You to yourself, you simply cannot, no matter what your former employment or personal history and no matter what day it is. and greatly to the OP's credit, it doesn't sound like they're interested in soliciting or demanding any such display, however worded.

--try sending around the Kurt Vonnegut bit on Armistice Day from Breakfast of Champions, if you want to give it one more try. but people don't read mass emails, especially ones with quotes, so it won't have the effect it should. if you want to shock people to their senses you may have to go a little harder. tell them Veterans Day is an obscenity or some such thing, if you absolutely cannot stand it.
posted by queenofbithynia at 6:33 PM on November 12, 2020 [1 favorite]

I think this is an occasion to recognize people’s good intentions and let it go. You could, in a setting where others can observe, say to a fellow veteran on Veterans’ Day what you would want others to say to you. They may pick up on your tone.
posted by lakeroon at 5:43 AM on November 13, 2020

Response by poster: Thank you all for several good ideas. I do recognize the good intentions from my co-workers, and that discouraging them from this phrase is an uphill struggle.
posted by NotLost at 9:16 AM on November 14, 2020

I have a great deal of respect for you for serving in the U.S. military. I just looked online, and the Veterans Administration says that Veterans Day is "a celebration to honor America's veterans for their patriotism, love of country, and willingness to serve and sacrifice for the common good." The Pentagon says that "Veterans Day honors all of those who have served the country in war or peace — dead or alive — although it’s largely intended to thank living veterans for their sacrifices."

Based on this — what the U.S. military has officially stated the precise purpose of Veterans Day to be — your coworkers seem to be following the intent of the holiday exactly, to its letter and spirit. Could it be that your understanding of the holiday differs from how the government and the military itself has educated Americans to behave by its official pronouncements? The government calls Veterans Day a celebration. Maybe instead of pushing back against well-intentioned people for trying to be kind and honor your service, as they have been taught, you should focus your energy on trying to get the government to change how they educate the population so it fits more with how you would like people to act on this holiday. Maybe write a letter to your representatives in Congress, or the President, to change what their official direction is regarding what Americans are supposed to do on this day. Your service is honorable, sir, and your fellow Americans are trying to honor you. I would be gracious and thank them for their sincere gesture of respect and honor.
posted by fenwaydirtdog at 5:10 PM on November 17, 2020