Sick relatives, caregiver fraud, & estate planning. Pandemic edition.
September 27, 2020 10:22 AM Subscribe
About a week ago, our distant cousin called my brother and me to tell us that my father and aunt are in the hospital, and my grandmother has died. We are the next of kin but can't get there for at least another week. On top of everyone's health, I'm worried about caregiver fraud, since the person who was helping my father seems to be sharing false information and posing as family.
About a week ago, our distant cousin called my brother and me to basically tell us that my father’s side of the family is in dire medical straits. My grandmother, well into her 90s, passed away a few days ago. Our father, who lives with her and was undergoing cancer treatment, is incoherent and in intensive care after having a seizure. Our aunt, his sister, had Covid-19 but recovered, but now she has fallen into a coma (she is in a different hospital, same city). My father and aunt have long had major difficulties (alcoholism, depression, etc.) and it seems as if they both suffered extreme physical reactions to their mother’s death.
How does my cousin know all this info? It was relayed to her by my father’s caregiver. Our cousin, like us, lives a few states away. There is no other family in town. My brother and I are the next of kin and will be planning our grandmother’s funeral. We would like to wait and see if dad and aunt pull through, but for some reason the funeral director told us that he can’t keep grandma’s body preserved/hold off on a service much longer.
Also, it seems possible that my father’s caregiver and others may be trying to scam them. Someone called the hospital for my aunt, claiming to be her fiancé (perhaps, but her husband just passed away in July so that would have been really quick). We hope to get more insight into her condition, but the hospital had to grant power of attorney to her doctor, and we should be talking with him tomorrow to find out what’s going on. The caregiver has also called one or both hospitals and my grandmother’s funeral home claiming to be a nephew. In addition, yesterday he told my cousin that he brought my father home. We called the hospital and surprise, dad is still in ICU. Why the lie?
We weren’t very close to our dad because he was resistant to getting treatment for his depression and alcoholism and didn't really attempt to be close to us, even when we lived under the same roof. We had a much better, “normal” relationship with our grandparents. We are monitoring dad and aunt by phone and will be headed to them in a little over a week—in non-pandemic times we’d have flown out once already, but with small kids we have to make arrangements before we make the 2-day drive.
In the meantime, what should we do about the caregiver? He was not a live-in helper but his lying suggests he may be staying in my grandmother’s house, doing/taking god knows what. I don’t know him, and he may not even be from a real agency (my dad used to pick up hitchhikers and even brought a couple home when we were kids, so this guy could be anybody). He doesn’t seem to be aware that we know anything and he hasn’t tried to contact us. We haven’t called the caregiver directly yet because we’d also like to have some kind of power besides telling him to F*CK OFF from afar if he’s truly being manipulative. What is the call to make here—lawyer? Police (sigh)? Private investigator? Our grandmother’s lawyer asked *us* if she had a will and he also sounds very frail, so I don’t expect him to do much in this area. Our father may have to undergo surgery and I don’t want whatever resources he and his sister have left to just disappear when there will obviously be medical costs. Plus, our grandmother was a lovely woman and it’s still her home and all she and our grandfather worked to build.
We’re trying to handle things, but are also overwhelmed. I’ve seen an elderly neighbor of mine get "legally" but easily manipulated out of nearly everything despite having people around her who cared, and I’d hate to have this happen to my father and aunt regardless of our relationship now. Any advice is welcome.
About a week ago, our distant cousin called my brother and me to basically tell us that my father’s side of the family is in dire medical straits. My grandmother, well into her 90s, passed away a few days ago. Our father, who lives with her and was undergoing cancer treatment, is incoherent and in intensive care after having a seizure. Our aunt, his sister, had Covid-19 but recovered, but now she has fallen into a coma (she is in a different hospital, same city). My father and aunt have long had major difficulties (alcoholism, depression, etc.) and it seems as if they both suffered extreme physical reactions to their mother’s death.
How does my cousin know all this info? It was relayed to her by my father’s caregiver. Our cousin, like us, lives a few states away. There is no other family in town. My brother and I are the next of kin and will be planning our grandmother’s funeral. We would like to wait and see if dad and aunt pull through, but for some reason the funeral director told us that he can’t keep grandma’s body preserved/hold off on a service much longer.
Also, it seems possible that my father’s caregiver and others may be trying to scam them. Someone called the hospital for my aunt, claiming to be her fiancé (perhaps, but her husband just passed away in July so that would have been really quick). We hope to get more insight into her condition, but the hospital had to grant power of attorney to her doctor, and we should be talking with him tomorrow to find out what’s going on. The caregiver has also called one or both hospitals and my grandmother’s funeral home claiming to be a nephew. In addition, yesterday he told my cousin that he brought my father home. We called the hospital and surprise, dad is still in ICU. Why the lie?
We weren’t very close to our dad because he was resistant to getting treatment for his depression and alcoholism and didn't really attempt to be close to us, even when we lived under the same roof. We had a much better, “normal” relationship with our grandparents. We are monitoring dad and aunt by phone and will be headed to them in a little over a week—in non-pandemic times we’d have flown out once already, but with small kids we have to make arrangements before we make the 2-day drive.
In the meantime, what should we do about the caregiver? He was not a live-in helper but his lying suggests he may be staying in my grandmother’s house, doing/taking god knows what. I don’t know him, and he may not even be from a real agency (my dad used to pick up hitchhikers and even brought a couple home when we were kids, so this guy could be anybody). He doesn’t seem to be aware that we know anything and he hasn’t tried to contact us. We haven’t called the caregiver directly yet because we’d also like to have some kind of power besides telling him to F*CK OFF from afar if he’s truly being manipulative. What is the call to make here—lawyer? Police (sigh)? Private investigator? Our grandmother’s lawyer asked *us* if she had a will and he also sounds very frail, so I don’t expect him to do much in this area. Our father may have to undergo surgery and I don’t want whatever resources he and his sister have left to just disappear when there will obviously be medical costs. Plus, our grandmother was a lovely woman and it’s still her home and all she and our grandfather worked to build.
We’re trying to handle things, but are also overwhelmed. I’ve seen an elderly neighbor of mine get "legally" but easily manipulated out of nearly everything despite having people around her who cared, and I’d hate to have this happen to my father and aunt regardless of our relationship now. Any advice is welcome.
This comes with the huge caveat that I don’t know your family and am just a stranger on the internet, but I feel like three related people all getting fatally or almost-fatally sick within days of each other, and a shady unknown person on the scene, I’d be calling the police.
Also comes with the caveat that I live somewhere that the police are generally trusted more than they are in the US so YMMV if that’s where you are.
posted by penguin pie at 11:15 AM on September 27, 2020 [11 favorites]
Also comes with the caveat that I live somewhere that the police are generally trusted more than they are in the US so YMMV if that’s where you are.
posted by penguin pie at 11:15 AM on September 27, 2020 [11 favorites]
I'm so sorry for your loss. Could your cousin go out there and do some reconnaissance on your behalf, possibly while on a video call? I agree that it might be important to have someone out there in your grandmother's house if you think the caregiver is up to no good there, even if it's someone travelling up on their own just to find out wtf is going on/change the locks and staying a day or two before coming back again.
If I were you I'd also at least consult a lawyer (if you can do so for free/minimal fees) to see what they recommend in terms of managing estates and so on, and possibly what you can legally do to deal with the potentially shady caregiver.
All of that said -- the caregiver has had this much time to do whatever they're doing. A few days to a week may not make much of a difference. Depending on what the doctors and so on tell you in the next couple of days, it may be better to just concentrate on getting things in order and getting the ground back under everyone's feet rather than worrying too much about what this caregiver may or may not be lying about. This is going to be a long and stressful time for you all, concentrate on looking after yourselves and your family for now, there will be time to unpick whatever else is going on later.
posted by fight or flight at 11:35 AM on September 27, 2020
If I were you I'd also at least consult a lawyer (if you can do so for free/minimal fees) to see what they recommend in terms of managing estates and so on, and possibly what you can legally do to deal with the potentially shady caregiver.
All of that said -- the caregiver has had this much time to do whatever they're doing. A few days to a week may not make much of a difference. Depending on what the doctors and so on tell you in the next couple of days, it may be better to just concentrate on getting things in order and getting the ground back under everyone's feet rather than worrying too much about what this caregiver may or may not be lying about. This is going to be a long and stressful time for you all, concentrate on looking after yourselves and your family for now, there will be time to unpick whatever else is going on later.
posted by fight or flight at 11:35 AM on September 27, 2020
This question might get more accurate answers if you posted what country you were in, as it’s already been mentioned, being in the States will give you different responses to, say, NZ.
posted by Jubey at 12:02 PM on September 27, 2020
posted by Jubey at 12:02 PM on September 27, 2020
Response by poster: OP here:
I am in the US (thanks for asking for the clarification, Jubey)
To flight or fight, thanks for your condolences and self-care reminders. My cousin is also more than a day’s drive away, and is a senior. She went to the funeral of my aunt’s husband in July and understandably does not want to travel (the area is a hotspot) and risk Covid exposure a second time.
posted by luckyveronica at 12:41 PM on September 27, 2020
I am in the US (thanks for asking for the clarification, Jubey)
To flight or fight, thanks for your condolences and self-care reminders. My cousin is also more than a day’s drive away, and is a senior. She went to the funeral of my aunt’s husband in July and understandably does not want to travel (the area is a hotspot) and risk Covid exposure a second time.
posted by luckyveronica at 12:41 PM on September 27, 2020
I'm very sorry, this sounds very difficult. I'd speak with both the hospital social worker assigned to your father as well as your father's doctors. Explain what's going on with the caregiver and your concerns. Make sure they know that no one but you and your cousin are authorized to get any information about your Dad and Aunt. Call Adult Protective Services in the city where your father is and speak with them as well about what's going on. Ask them whether a call to the police may also be useful. The caregiver likely has tenant's rights of some sort at this point if he's been living at the house. Keep that in mind if you try anything more dramatic to eject him from the home. Ask the social worker and adult protective services for advice for getting a power of attorney for your dad. That way you can look at his bank accounts and such and see if there's been spending while he's been hospitalized.
Finally, would it be possible to get your grandmother cremated instead of trying to hastily arrange a burial/funeral? Unless she has a religious restriction or had a strong personal desire to not be cremated, it could give you time to make arrangements without a funeral director trying to push you to make decisions immediately.
posted by quince at 1:24 PM on September 27, 2020 [3 favorites]
Finally, would it be possible to get your grandmother cremated instead of trying to hastily arrange a burial/funeral? Unless she has a religious restriction or had a strong personal desire to not be cremated, it could give you time to make arrangements without a funeral director trying to push you to make decisions immediately.
posted by quince at 1:24 PM on September 27, 2020 [3 favorites]
As you try to figure out your options, you may be able to get helpful advice (if not actual, local help) by calling the agency which provides protective services for older and disabled adults in the area where your family lives. (Try searching on Adult Protective Services and the name of the county)
Does your aunt have any relatives or equally close to her than you and your brother. Someone should be doing the same for her although if she has no living children, you and your brother may be the next in line.
posted by metahawk at 9:48 PM on September 27, 2020
Does your aunt have any relatives or equally close to her than you and your brother. Someone should be doing the same for her although if she has no living children, you and your brother may be the next in line.
posted by metahawk at 9:48 PM on September 27, 2020
the hospital had to grant power of attorney to her doctor
You will want to find out if this is a medical power of attorney, or some other sort of POA. Read up on the difference before trying to ask the hospital, or it will probably just be confusing.
posted by yohko at 5:30 PM on September 29, 2020
You will want to find out if this is a medical power of attorney, or some other sort of POA. Read up on the difference before trying to ask the hospital, or it will probably just be confusing.
posted by yohko at 5:30 PM on September 29, 2020
As bad as it may feel to not have a ceremony for your grandmother, I think that is the best option currently. Even in non-pandemic times, funerals are often delayed. Having a cremation or burial does not require a service and you have too much to deal with right now. At the very least, your father and aunt may want to attend and they are both unable to right now.
posted by soelo at 2:51 PM on September 30, 2020
posted by soelo at 2:51 PM on September 30, 2020
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This is a grim warning, but anybody local you tell about this increases the chance that your dad, aunt, and/or grandmother's home will be burgled basically immediately. This includes telling the police, and includes the risk that filing a report will create a public record. And it may have already happened; every time I've seen this occur it was hospital staff finding out a patient had nobody else living at home that got the house cleaned out that same night.
This sucks, but can one of you get out there now and the other come in a week after arrangements are made? You might actually want to talk to a PI about hiring them to be your on-the-ground eyes and ears; they tend to have police connections and know how to work the system but also understand the practical realities of the system.
posted by Lyn Never at 10:41 AM on September 27, 2020 [2 favorites]