Help coping with a strong sense of justice (Aspergers related)
September 13, 2020 4:02 AM Subscribe
I think that having Aspergers is making me feel like I correct perceived injustices I see in the world and I'm finding it mentally taking a toll on me. Can anyone suggest resources to help coping with this?
There's something I experience that I think is related to my Aspergers that I've been struggling with lately. I have a strong sense of justice. If I see something wrong, I want to correct it. And it often takes a mental toll on me - either because it will often be a fruitless endeavor and lead nowhere, or because it will lead to circumstances that trigger my anxiety. For example, there is a policy at work that I think is unfair and I want to speak up about, but it may mean I'd have to be in contact with a former boss of mine who was very toxic and it would trigger my anxiety. This kind of thing happens with me all the time. I'm just wondering if others here experience this and it anyone has any book suggestions or coping mechanisms to help deal with it?
There's something I experience that I think is related to my Aspergers that I've been struggling with lately. I have a strong sense of justice. If I see something wrong, I want to correct it. And it often takes a mental toll on me - either because it will often be a fruitless endeavor and lead nowhere, or because it will lead to circumstances that trigger my anxiety. For example, there is a policy at work that I think is unfair and I want to speak up about, but it may mean I'd have to be in contact with a former boss of mine who was very toxic and it would trigger my anxiety. This kind of thing happens with me all the time. I'm just wondering if others here experience this and it anyone has any book suggestions or coping mechanisms to help deal with it?
I immediately thought of this article. Don't necessarily have solutions, but it might give you some insight or relief to know other people experience the same thing.
posted by brook horse at 7:49 AM on September 13, 2020 [4 favorites]
posted by brook horse at 7:49 AM on September 13, 2020 [4 favorites]
Another autistic person here. I do this too and I think it has two distinct manifestations. The first is related to rule-sets: my personal triggers are rule sets that are logically inconsistent or internally contradictory, and people blithely disobeying the rules. [I just expended so much effort to not write half of the words in the preceding sentence in capital letters.] I came up with a little motto to use to myself when I see the latter: "You can't achieve eudaemonia while you're policing other people's behaviour." But with the former I tend to just rail at people. Same with the latter, to be honest.
The second manifestation, which I think may be what you're actually addressing in your question, is our overwhelming need to put an end to cruelty in the world. I think this arises from our intense sense of empathy.
I have not figured out a way to "turn these feelings off", and I now think it would be spiritually destructive if I were to try, because I've already spent most of my life ignoring and suppressing my true feelings. The path I'm trying to take with regard to the second is (1) to recognize that there have always been various truly horrible injustices going on and we have survived through them, and that it's kind of a manifestation of American exceptionalism [I was raised in the U.S.] to think that they can all be "solved" right now; (2) to focus my efforts on concrete actions that I can take here and now to make my bit of the world incrementally better (in practice this is small-group organizing, cultivating connections to individual people, and gardening). And trying not to spend too much time shouting into the void.
As for the workplace stuff... I've legit done something like what you're talking about and it took a big toll on my mental health (in my case it was a person in HR failing to do their job and thereby massively violating the workplace harassment policy's resolution procedure). I would probably do it again. The thing that made it especially awful was my having naively assumed that other people would actually follow the fucking rules that their own office had produced.
This is not a very useful answer, is it.
posted by heatherlogan at 8:19 AM on September 13, 2020 [3 favorites]
The second manifestation, which I think may be what you're actually addressing in your question, is our overwhelming need to put an end to cruelty in the world. I think this arises from our intense sense of empathy.
I have not figured out a way to "turn these feelings off", and I now think it would be spiritually destructive if I were to try, because I've already spent most of my life ignoring and suppressing my true feelings. The path I'm trying to take with regard to the second is (1) to recognize that there have always been various truly horrible injustices going on and we have survived through them, and that it's kind of a manifestation of American exceptionalism [I was raised in the U.S.] to think that they can all be "solved" right now; (2) to focus my efforts on concrete actions that I can take here and now to make my bit of the world incrementally better (in practice this is small-group organizing, cultivating connections to individual people, and gardening). And trying not to spend too much time shouting into the void.
As for the workplace stuff... I've legit done something like what you're talking about and it took a big toll on my mental health (in my case it was a person in HR failing to do their job and thereby massively violating the workplace harassment policy's resolution procedure). I would probably do it again. The thing that made it especially awful was my having naively assumed that other people would actually follow the fucking rules that their own office had produced.
This is not a very useful answer, is it.
posted by heatherlogan at 8:19 AM on September 13, 2020 [3 favorites]
RODBT has a practice called self-inquiry that might be helpful. It’s a brief journaling exercise focused on cultivating “healthy self-doubt,” not in a blaming/shaming way but in the sense that you might not have all the facts, that there might be things you’re not considering about the situation, etc. Here’s another site with some more specific examples (scroll down).
posted by en forme de poire at 10:10 AM on September 13, 2020 [2 favorites]
posted by en forme de poire at 10:10 AM on September 13, 2020 [2 favorites]
Don't think I have autism or Aspergers, but i do think most people are stupid. So, I run into situations like you describe all the time. Related, the whole world is fucked, and there are many people who would like to fix things, but they can't.
I'm expanding this because a need to change things one cannot change is not only an Aspergers problem. It may be more frequent, more everpresent, and related to smaller issues for you, but this is a psychological issue many people have to deal with. So, as you look for solutions or books or whatever, know that they may come from normals.
First, some confirmation, you're probably right. Whatever is setting you off, you're probably right. So, don't doubt yourself. And you should work towards making the world a better place, this may be getting your kid to hang up his towel, your employer to provide paternity leave, or world peace.
The mental health issue here is how much energy to put into the problem and how to accept failure to solve it.
How much energy is challenging, especially with Aspergers, cause normally i'd say follow social cues, but there are people dedicating their entire lives to the climate crisis or sexual harrasment at work, their entire lives. So, if moderating energy is an issue for you, maybe assign a time of day to deal with issues that are not affecting you personally. Like this "policy at work". You don't describe it as if it affects you, it's just a general justice issue. Compartmentalize, deal with in in the hour a day, 7-8 pm or whatever, that you dedicate to dealing with other peoples problems...and doing work on those issues.
But yeah, probably nothing matters. The world's fucked and you can't fix it. Only way I know to deal with that other than druging yourself into oblivion, prescribed or otherwise, is to make progress every day. Find some way to "make progress" every day. Today, for me, that was caulking the eves of the east side of my house. Didn't change the world, but did get me closer to painting that side of the house.
Find the small steps on whatever issue. Do the small steps each day. Maybe someday the big confrontation you don't want will come, but if you do the small steps every day, you will feel good and be ready.
posted by ixipkcams at 10:32 AM on September 13, 2020
I'm expanding this because a need to change things one cannot change is not only an Aspergers problem. It may be more frequent, more everpresent, and related to smaller issues for you, but this is a psychological issue many people have to deal with. So, as you look for solutions or books or whatever, know that they may come from normals.
First, some confirmation, you're probably right. Whatever is setting you off, you're probably right. So, don't doubt yourself. And you should work towards making the world a better place, this may be getting your kid to hang up his towel, your employer to provide paternity leave, or world peace.
The mental health issue here is how much energy to put into the problem and how to accept failure to solve it.
How much energy is challenging, especially with Aspergers, cause normally i'd say follow social cues, but there are people dedicating their entire lives to the climate crisis or sexual harrasment at work, their entire lives. So, if moderating energy is an issue for you, maybe assign a time of day to deal with issues that are not affecting you personally. Like this "policy at work". You don't describe it as if it affects you, it's just a general justice issue. Compartmentalize, deal with in in the hour a day, 7-8 pm or whatever, that you dedicate to dealing with other peoples problems...and doing work on those issues.
But yeah, probably nothing matters. The world's fucked and you can't fix it. Only way I know to deal with that other than druging yourself into oblivion, prescribed or otherwise, is to make progress every day. Find some way to "make progress" every day. Today, for me, that was caulking the eves of the east side of my house. Didn't change the world, but did get me closer to painting that side of the house.
Find the small steps on whatever issue. Do the small steps each day. Maybe someday the big confrontation you don't want will come, but if you do the small steps every day, you will feel good and be ready.
posted by ixipkcams at 10:32 AM on September 13, 2020
Good answers here but wanted to add something:
When my somewhere-on-the-spectrum brain tells me I need to "fix an injustice right now" it doesn't mean that I need to fully fix that exact problem (because that very well might be impossible), but it does mean I need to do something concrete to address that situation and emotion. If I try to ignore the problem, or specifically decide to do nothing, that urge does not go away and usually gets stronger, until it leads to more anxiety or bad decision making.
But what I eventually figured out is that I can usually redirect that urge to something related. If it's something personal or something I did wrong myself, I usually write down something related to that situation, and channel that emotion into creative writing. If it's something more practical like actual discrimination, I'll research how I could address the problem in the future in other situations. There are lots of creative and effective options here, such as charity donations and various types of arts/crafts. As long as I do SOMETHING about the injustice, that helps me move past it. Anyway that's what works for me.
posted by JZig at 3:46 PM on September 13, 2020 [2 favorites]
When my somewhere-on-the-spectrum brain tells me I need to "fix an injustice right now" it doesn't mean that I need to fully fix that exact problem (because that very well might be impossible), but it does mean I need to do something concrete to address that situation and emotion. If I try to ignore the problem, or specifically decide to do nothing, that urge does not go away and usually gets stronger, until it leads to more anxiety or bad decision making.
But what I eventually figured out is that I can usually redirect that urge to something related. If it's something personal or something I did wrong myself, I usually write down something related to that situation, and channel that emotion into creative writing. If it's something more practical like actual discrimination, I'll research how I could address the problem in the future in other situations. There are lots of creative and effective options here, such as charity donations and various types of arts/crafts. As long as I do SOMETHING about the injustice, that helps me move past it. Anyway that's what works for me.
posted by JZig at 3:46 PM on September 13, 2020 [2 favorites]
For policies at work that are unfair, generally, a theoretical neutral third party is HR, or if your employer is robust, a fair practices/civil rights/EEO manager, or even someone who handles whistleblower complaints, and having a conversation about wanting to improve the work experience as it relates to the policy.
Some workplaces have a shared governance model which can provide shared responsibility for improving policies, as well as a broader approach for raising concerns about a protected class.
You mentioned books and reading. For general work, the Ask A Manager blog is very searchable. For having a deep sense of justice amid work, and not having it overwhelm, Laura van der Not Lipsky’s Trauma Stewardship has so many good exercises for self care, and it might give you better search terms. Don’t be misled by the title, as the “moving the needle on injustice”work intersects directly with her work. Most people who are in this line of work appreciate that even having this post raises awareness and encourages change.
I’m in the midst of exploring “The Body Is Not An Apology” by Sonya Renee Taylor, which has peace-making at its heart, (which seems to be a goal) however it explores deep wells and is not a passive read, though mileage may vary.
posted by childofTethys at 3:29 PM on September 16, 2020
Some workplaces have a shared governance model which can provide shared responsibility for improving policies, as well as a broader approach for raising concerns about a protected class.
You mentioned books and reading. For general work, the Ask A Manager blog is very searchable. For having a deep sense of justice amid work, and not having it overwhelm, Laura van der Not Lipsky’s Trauma Stewardship has so many good exercises for self care, and it might give you better search terms. Don’t be misled by the title, as the “moving the needle on injustice”work intersects directly with her work. Most people who are in this line of work appreciate that even having this post raises awareness and encourages change.
I’m in the midst of exploring “The Body Is Not An Apology” by Sonya Renee Taylor, which has peace-making at its heart, (which seems to be a goal) however it explores deep wells and is not a passive read, though mileage may vary.
posted by childofTethys at 3:29 PM on September 16, 2020
This thread is closed to new comments.
Also, there’s just a strategic lay of the land question. A workplace injustice should be fought by a large group of allies. Autism often means that neurotypical people can get ooky feelings in their tummy tums about us at a subconscious level, and that is a motherfucking structural marginalisation, not a fault of character. But it does mean that, ironically, even though we are quick to notice an injustice, others may feel ooky about being led by us or trusting us. It is not our fault. We are the ancestors, moral, cultural or biological, of people like us who will live in a world where all people learn to work with folks who are different than them, and live in a society where it is safe to be something other than callous and frightened.
posted by The Last Sockpuppet at 5:30 AM on September 13, 2020 [10 favorites]