The mysterious disappearing boyfriend
August 25, 2020 5:13 PM Subscribe
I do not think this is a ghosting question.
....Though to be fair, everything is up in the air right now and I don't really know.
I started dating this guy back in April. We went on totally distanced dates because of the pandemic but we really liked each other. Then I got called out of state for an internship (I'm here two more weeks) and we agreed to keep in touch and start dating more normally when I get back. He hasn't communicated as much as I would have liked at times, but he DID get better after I talked to him, at least a bit. He has also always been very responsive when I reach out to him and gave no indication as of last week that he was losing interest, even saying that he's looking forward to seeing me.
He got sick 2.5 weeks ago now. Very, very sick. He has every COVID symptom but has tested negative twice, though I'm dead convinced that's what he has. As of last Tuesday, a week ago, he said he was feeling better. Wednesday communication got spotty again. Last Friday, four days ago now, he told me he was staying with his parents because he was having severe back pain, couldn't really move, and had significant swelling + fluid in both lungs. That was the last time I heard from him. We have never gone this long without talking, ever. He said he'd text me Friday and never did. He has not answered a single text (I've texted him twice - I'm not blowing up his phone). I tried calling today and he did not answer, though the phone did ring, which tells me it must be getting some charge?
He has not posted on social media. We have no mutual friends and I don't know a single person in his family. I don't have any freaking idea what to do. My father told me to reach out to his family in a week. I have friends saying to call hospitals. I have another friend who told me that calling hospitals or reaching out to his family would be WAY out of line (and that I'm basically being dramatic, which I'm annoyed about but anyway). I'm inclined to wait a couple more days before doing anything drastic. I just.... this has shown me that I really care about him more than I ever realized or expected to at this stage. I am so scared. I just want to know if he's okay. He's young.
On the flip side.... this is ticking my anxious attachment and I can't help but worry that I'm being ghosted. The phone DID ring.... which must mean it's getting charged somehow? It wouldn't make a lot of sense but how well can I really know him at this stage? It would go against everything he's ever said and every way he's ever acted - he's never been anything but kind and genuine and really has not shown any flags. But the men I've met online have also done such outrageously terrible things to me so how can I really know? I can't. And that means I'm not sure if I'm going through a strange breakup or genuinely fearing for his life at this stage.
What would you do, metafilter?
Thanks in advance.
....Though to be fair, everything is up in the air right now and I don't really know.
I started dating this guy back in April. We went on totally distanced dates because of the pandemic but we really liked each other. Then I got called out of state for an internship (I'm here two more weeks) and we agreed to keep in touch and start dating more normally when I get back. He hasn't communicated as much as I would have liked at times, but he DID get better after I talked to him, at least a bit. He has also always been very responsive when I reach out to him and gave no indication as of last week that he was losing interest, even saying that he's looking forward to seeing me.
He got sick 2.5 weeks ago now. Very, very sick. He has every COVID symptom but has tested negative twice, though I'm dead convinced that's what he has. As of last Tuesday, a week ago, he said he was feeling better. Wednesday communication got spotty again. Last Friday, four days ago now, he told me he was staying with his parents because he was having severe back pain, couldn't really move, and had significant swelling + fluid in both lungs. That was the last time I heard from him. We have never gone this long without talking, ever. He said he'd text me Friday and never did. He has not answered a single text (I've texted him twice - I'm not blowing up his phone). I tried calling today and he did not answer, though the phone did ring, which tells me it must be getting some charge?
He has not posted on social media. We have no mutual friends and I don't know a single person in his family. I don't have any freaking idea what to do. My father told me to reach out to his family in a week. I have friends saying to call hospitals. I have another friend who told me that calling hospitals or reaching out to his family would be WAY out of line (and that I'm basically being dramatic, which I'm annoyed about but anyway). I'm inclined to wait a couple more days before doing anything drastic. I just.... this has shown me that I really care about him more than I ever realized or expected to at this stage. I am so scared. I just want to know if he's okay. He's young.
On the flip side.... this is ticking my anxious attachment and I can't help but worry that I'm being ghosted. The phone DID ring.... which must mean it's getting charged somehow? It wouldn't make a lot of sense but how well can I really know him at this stage? It would go against everything he's ever said and every way he's ever acted - he's never been anything but kind and genuine and really has not shown any flags. But the men I've met online have also done such outrageously terrible things to me so how can I really know? I can't. And that means I'm not sure if I'm going through a strange breakup or genuinely fearing for his life at this stage.
What would you do, metafilter?
Thanks in advance.
To me, young but sick to the point of staying with parents means sleeping a ton, and being groggy from cold meds when not asleep. On his end, it probably doesn't feel like four days have gone by. I would call him again on the weekend, and try to focus on tying everything up at the internship with a bow. You've already discussed that being back home will make dating easier, so I don't think this is a ghosting situation.
(To be clear, your worry is understandable, and I don't think your anxiety is at the wheel or that you're overreacting. These are scary times.)
posted by Iris Gambol at 5:31 PM on August 25, 2020 [13 favorites]
(To be clear, your worry is understandable, and I don't think your anxiety is at the wheel or that you're overreacting. These are scary times.)
posted by Iris Gambol at 5:31 PM on August 25, 2020 [13 favorites]
I think your dad is right, gently reach out to his family if you haven’t heard from him in a week. Remember that this is a big deal to you but you are not a big deal to his parents, so let them know that you are worried about him, ask if there’s anything you can do, and let it go until they ask for something or he gets back to you.
posted by mskyle at 5:33 PM on August 25, 2020 [8 favorites]
posted by mskyle at 5:33 PM on August 25, 2020 [8 favorites]
Do exactly what you're inclined to do, which is to wait a couple more days before contacting his family. If he was drastically ill then your waiting was reasonable given that he hasn't been super communicative in the past. But if this is going to work out long term, how can there be anything wrong with being concerned about him? And if he's perfectly fine but just ghosted you, well, that's a resolution too.
posted by HotToddy at 5:33 PM on August 25, 2020 [2 favorites]
posted by HotToddy at 5:33 PM on August 25, 2020 [2 favorites]
That sounds like a person being very sick, not a person “ghosting.” I would keep sending messages of encouragement every day or so and would reach out to his folks next week if I hadn’t received any response.
posted by hungrytiger at 5:35 PM on August 25, 2020 [5 favorites]
posted by hungrytiger at 5:35 PM on August 25, 2020 [5 favorites]
The phone DID ring.... which must mean it's getting charged somehow?
Could have just been left plugged in.
I'm not sure how you would go about contacting his family if you don't know them? What you would say really depends on what sort of contact info for them, if you are mailing a card, calling on the phone, found a facebook account they might or might not even use, etc.
I don't know how much info you can get out of calling a hospital, but I don't think its out of line to just check that he has been admitted if you just use that information to settle your mind rather than contacting people, beyond sending a get well card which is considered a pretty normal thing to do when someone is in the hospital.
If you have his home address, you could send a card there. On the back of the envelope, put a longer-term mailing address that someone is checking for you and a phone number. Write something like get well soon on the envelope so whoever gets it knows what it is. All this should be written, not run through your printer, so it looks like a personal card. Make the text of the card very neutral so as not to cause embarrassment if someone else is reading it, something like "Dear Guy, even though we have not known each other long, I wanted to let you know that I am thinking about you and hoping (some sort of get well/long illness sentiment)". Put your long term return address and phone number/email on the card as well, in case it's separated from the envelope.
Then you wait. If he's very ill right now, his family might be too busy to reply, but at some point he might be looking at cards. And, well, if he doesn't make it you hope someone in his family lets you know.
I don't think it's out of line to call his parents, but it seems unlikely that you would have their number... though if he did give you their number, it's almost certainly because he would want you to call it in this sort of situation.
posted by yohko at 5:35 PM on August 25, 2020 [4 favorites]
Could have just been left plugged in.
I'm not sure how you would go about contacting his family if you don't know them? What you would say really depends on what sort of contact info for them, if you are mailing a card, calling on the phone, found a facebook account they might or might not even use, etc.
I don't know how much info you can get out of calling a hospital, but I don't think its out of line to just check that he has been admitted if you just use that information to settle your mind rather than contacting people, beyond sending a get well card which is considered a pretty normal thing to do when someone is in the hospital.
If you have his home address, you could send a card there. On the back of the envelope, put a longer-term mailing address that someone is checking for you and a phone number. Write something like get well soon on the envelope so whoever gets it knows what it is. All this should be written, not run through your printer, so it looks like a personal card. Make the text of the card very neutral so as not to cause embarrassment if someone else is reading it, something like "Dear Guy, even though we have not known each other long, I wanted to let you know that I am thinking about you and hoping (some sort of get well/long illness sentiment)". Put your long term return address and phone number/email on the card as well, in case it's separated from the envelope.
Then you wait. If he's very ill right now, his family might be too busy to reply, but at some point he might be looking at cards. And, well, if he doesn't make it you hope someone in his family lets you know.
I don't think it's out of line to call his parents, but it seems unlikely that you would have their number... though if he did give you their number, it's almost certainly because he would want you to call it in this sort of situation.
posted by yohko at 5:35 PM on August 25, 2020 [4 favorites]
I agree that calling his parents next week if you haven't heard from him would be appropriate. Your concern is definitely understandable In These Times.
However, in his shoes, I might be a bit freaked out if I found out somebody who knew I was staying with family and being cared for called hospitals. It might be different if he was alone, but since you know he is with parents, that might come across as an overreaction.
It certainly doesn't sound like you're being ghosted.
posted by rpfields at 6:11 PM on August 25, 2020 [5 favorites]
However, in his shoes, I might be a bit freaked out if I found out somebody who knew I was staying with family and being cared for called hospitals. It might be different if he was alone, but since you know he is with parents, that might come across as an overreaction.
It certainly doesn't sound like you're being ghosted.
posted by rpfields at 6:11 PM on August 25, 2020 [5 favorites]
Reach out to his family in a few days. The worst case scenario (for reaching out vs. staying silent) is that he IS ghosting you, and you make it somewhat uncomfortable for him. Don't be rude or harsh with anyone no matter what you hear; just say you knew he was sick and you want to make sure he's okay.
It's also possible he's not okay and is in the hospital; maybe prepare yourself for how you'll handle that emotionally. But yeah, there is not reason not to reach out.
posted by gideonfrog at 6:45 PM on August 25, 2020 [1 favorite]
It's also possible he's not okay and is in the hospital; maybe prepare yourself for how you'll handle that emotionally. But yeah, there is not reason not to reach out.
posted by gideonfrog at 6:45 PM on August 25, 2020 [1 favorite]
If I were calling hospitals, I'd ask to be connected to New Guy's room please, rather than asking if New Guy was a patient. I ran into a situation recently where they couldn't say if someone was a patient because of privacy reasons.
posted by kate4914 at 7:17 PM on August 25, 2020 [9 favorites]
posted by kate4914 at 7:17 PM on August 25, 2020 [9 favorites]
I'm also trying to figure out how you'd reach out to his family. I think the more work it takes to get their information, the less inclined I'd be to do it. Calling the hospitals, I think, may not yield much anyway. My mother was admitted to the hospital once and even though I knew which hospital she was in and identified myself as her daughter, I was not allowed to be directly connected to her room. They told me that IF She was a patient there she (or someone on her behalf) would have to call me back. Mileages vary, of course.
I do think it's possible he does not have the energy or interest in being as high contact as you prefer, and whether that is because he is ill is unknown at this point.
I would try reaching out again Fridayish. I would only say that I want to know if he's doing better and ask if he can respond to let you know. I would not ask about or suggest that I'm being ghosted.
posted by sm1tten at 7:34 PM on August 25, 2020 [2 favorites]
I do think it's possible he does not have the energy or interest in being as high contact as you prefer, and whether that is because he is ill is unknown at this point.
I would try reaching out again Fridayish. I would only say that I want to know if he's doing better and ask if he can respond to let you know. I would not ask about or suggest that I'm being ghosted.
posted by sm1tten at 7:34 PM on August 25, 2020 [2 favorites]
Having significant swelling and fluid in both lungs sounds pretty severe. I would be more worried about putting off contacting his family and then finding out he had been in the hospital for days, or dead, than about coming off too needy. I guess I don't see the possible harm in trying to contact his family in this situation.
If you like, maybe text his phone saying that you're worried enough that you're going to try to get in touch with them if you don't hear back from him in the next day or two? I think your concern is warranted.
posted by wondermouse at 7:47 PM on August 25, 2020 [21 favorites]
If you like, maybe text his phone saying that you're worried enough that you're going to try to get in touch with them if you don't hear back from him in the next day or two? I think your concern is warranted.
posted by wondermouse at 7:47 PM on August 25, 2020 [21 favorites]
I am a person who almost always thinks you should hold back. But he's extremely ill in a pandemic. I'd be trying to contact anyone I could about his well-being. If there's any way you can figure out how to contact his parents, I'd contact his parents. Nobody's going to think you're too needy and clingy when you have legit reasons to wonder if he's .... well, you know.
Try to contact them. Hell, maybe look into the police doing a wellness check at the door, maybe, I don't know. I don't think I'd try hospitals blind YET, but it might be that bad.
posted by jenfullmoon at 9:49 PM on August 25, 2020 [2 favorites]
Try to contact them. Hell, maybe look into the police doing a wellness check at the door, maybe, I don't know. I don't think I'd try hospitals blind YET, but it might be that bad.
posted by jenfullmoon at 9:49 PM on August 25, 2020 [2 favorites]
If the situation were reversed, what would you like him to do at this stage of your relationship?
posted by Jubey at 11:14 PM on August 25, 2020 [7 favorites]
posted by Jubey at 11:14 PM on August 25, 2020 [7 favorites]
If you decide to pursue this with his relatives, might be smart to shoot him a courtesy text beforehand to tell him you’re doing so.
posted by kapers at 12:08 AM on August 26, 2020 [6 favorites]
posted by kapers at 12:08 AM on August 26, 2020 [6 favorites]
The medical description you give is pretty severe should be in the hospital time and could indicate rapid deterioration
(YMMV depending on the hospital bed situation in the local area about when people are being admitted) Lung problems especially make it hard to do anything, even talk.
Reach out to family, be curtious and concerned. Thank them for any information they provide. If sick ask that they pass along a message when he's well enough to talk. If well thank them and hang up then deal with being ghosted.
Be prepared if it's as serious as you describe his parents may be emotional with you, just because your asking about him and you might get way more than you were expecting. Just be calm and polite and supportive if that happens.
posted by AlexiaSky at 12:13 AM on August 26, 2020 [6 favorites]
(YMMV depending on the hospital bed situation in the local area about when people are being admitted) Lung problems especially make it hard to do anything, even talk.
Reach out to family, be curtious and concerned. Thank them for any information they provide. If sick ask that they pass along a message when he's well enough to talk. If well thank them and hang up then deal with being ghosted.
Be prepared if it's as serious as you describe his parents may be emotional with you, just because your asking about him and you might get way more than you were expecting. Just be calm and polite and supportive if that happens.
posted by AlexiaSky at 12:13 AM on August 26, 2020 [6 favorites]
Since you have no mutual friends and don't know anyone in his family, and following the advice of other Mefites above saying to wait a little while and then contact someone more connected to him, I would suggest going on his social media profiles and seeing if you can find someone who fits that description -- YMMV but usually you can tell who is in that close circle, especially on FB. It might be easier/less stressful if you found a good friend of his to talk to rather than an immediate family member.
Send them a message or ask if you can talk to them just to get an update. I wouldn't be afraid to be honest, say you've been dating for a short while and you're worried, etc. Generally in my experience difficult situations like this tend to make people want to reach out to each other, so you might find someone who is relieved to be able to share and ease your worries.
Personally, at this point, I would avoid reaching out directly to his parents unless you continue not to hear anything AND you can't get an update from his friend(s), if only because it might cause issues if he sees it as a breach of his privacy later on. I would not directly call a hospital unless all other avenues have failed.
posted by fight or flight at 5:06 AM on August 26, 2020 [4 favorites]
Send them a message or ask if you can talk to them just to get an update. I wouldn't be afraid to be honest, say you've been dating for a short while and you're worried, etc. Generally in my experience difficult situations like this tend to make people want to reach out to each other, so you might find someone who is relieved to be able to share and ease your worries.
Personally, at this point, I would avoid reaching out directly to his parents unless you continue not to hear anything AND you can't get an update from his friend(s), if only because it might cause issues if he sees it as a breach of his privacy later on. I would not directly call a hospital unless all other avenues have failed.
posted by fight or flight at 5:06 AM on August 26, 2020 [4 favorites]
As someone who is very introverted and very private and very very concerned about intruding and coming across as pushy -- I still think that the situation warrants either trying to contact the parents or trying to locate a friend online to contact instead, as someone else suggested. Contact them once, and be brief and polite -- you've been communicating with X since early this year, you know that he's been ill, you're concerned about him because you haven't heard back from him in a while, and you just want to check if he's OK.
At worst they will have no time for a person that they don't know at all and won't respond -- but even with my personal "sensitivity to pushiness" dials turned all the way up to 11 I don't think that a message like this would come across as intrusive or rude or out of line.
These are extraordinary circumstances, and you are not likely to be the only person who has become close to someone only through limited remote contact, and who is now in this kind of awkward position of being very worried about them but not really able to use more conventional intimate-friend channels to do something about it.
posted by confluency at 5:33 AM on August 26, 2020 [2 favorites]
At worst they will have no time for a person that they don't know at all and won't respond -- but even with my personal "sensitivity to pushiness" dials turned all the way up to 11 I don't think that a message like this would come across as intrusive or rude or out of line.
These are extraordinary circumstances, and you are not likely to be the only person who has become close to someone only through limited remote contact, and who is now in this kind of awkward position of being very worried about them but not really able to use more conventional intimate-friend channels to do something about it.
posted by confluency at 5:33 AM on August 26, 2020 [2 favorites]
(P.S. while it's entirely possible that the reason he isn't responding is that he just doesn't care enough to -- possibly because he's using the pandemic as an excuse to talk to multiple different women, and now that he's actually sick he doesn't have the energy to keep up conversations with all of them -- I don't think you're being naive or dramatic or have done anything wrong by not assuming that by default and by being as worried about him as you are.)
posted by confluency at 5:39 AM on August 26, 2020 [1 favorite]
posted by confluency at 5:39 AM on August 26, 2020 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: Thanks guys. It looks like the two people I could reasonably find and contact on Facebook messenger would be his mom and sister. There’s random posts with friends on there, but I’m not sure how close he is to any of those people. I also know exactly where he works, and I know that there’s someone in from out of town covering for him, but contacting them seems.... more out of line than contacting family. I don’t know.
I sent him another text today low key pleading with him to either get in contact with me himself or have someone get in touch with me for him, if possible. I will likely give him a warning before contacting anyone, then wait a couple days, then reach out on Facebook. That way, if he IS ghosting (again, unlikely), that should prompt a reply so his family doesn’t get dragged into this. I also plan on trying to call him again tonight.
This is hard. All I want is to hear something. Thank you all.
posted by Amy93 at 5:57 AM on August 26, 2020 [5 favorites]
I sent him another text today low key pleading with him to either get in contact with me himself or have someone get in touch with me for him, if possible. I will likely give him a warning before contacting anyone, then wait a couple days, then reach out on Facebook. That way, if he IS ghosting (again, unlikely), that should prompt a reply so his family doesn’t get dragged into this. I also plan on trying to call him again tonight.
This is hard. All I want is to hear something. Thank you all.
posted by Amy93 at 5:57 AM on August 26, 2020 [5 favorites]
I am extremely private and from a ludicrously restrained family background, and I would not hesitate to reach out to his family and to call hospitals.
Think of it this way. If he is ghosting you it does not matter what you do: the outcome is the same, and you don’t care what he thinks.
If he is NOT ghosting you, and is seriously ill and out of communication with you because of it — in that case, what do you want him to think? That you didn’t care enough to bother reaching out? That you were so constrained by ‘politeness’ that you just sat quietly at home and sent a few text messages? No. You want him to know that you care and are thinking about him, that you have his back and that he can count on you when he’s in trouble.
Assuming the number of possible hospitals is small, I would call them all. It can’t hurt, and nobody will know you did it. If you have a way to reach his family, I would call them directly. Just tell them you’re his friend, you know he’s been ill, he dropped out of contact and you are worried. Regardless of what’s happening with him, they will be pleased there are people who care enough about him to reach out. Seriously: he has told you that he’s very sick. Not to call is sending a message that you don’t care.
posted by Susan PG at 6:02 AM on August 26, 2020 [5 favorites]
Think of it this way. If he is ghosting you it does not matter what you do: the outcome is the same, and you don’t care what he thinks.
If he is NOT ghosting you, and is seriously ill and out of communication with you because of it — in that case, what do you want him to think? That you didn’t care enough to bother reaching out? That you were so constrained by ‘politeness’ that you just sat quietly at home and sent a few text messages? No. You want him to know that you care and are thinking about him, that you have his back and that he can count on you when he’s in trouble.
Assuming the number of possible hospitals is small, I would call them all. It can’t hurt, and nobody will know you did it. If you have a way to reach his family, I would call them directly. Just tell them you’re his friend, you know he’s been ill, he dropped out of contact and you are worried. Regardless of what’s happening with him, they will be pleased there are people who care enough about him to reach out. Seriously: he has told you that he’s very sick. Not to call is sending a message that you don’t care.
posted by Susan PG at 6:02 AM on August 26, 2020 [5 favorites]
Ok, I have a really different take.
Why are you making what sounds like a very serious illness about you?
Last week, my husband got seriously fucking acutely sick with a different viral fever. He was hospitalized and it was scary as fuck. And while I was tempted to call him every five minutes.... I didn't, because he was either sleeping, or low-key delusional, or getting a blood transfusion, or too weak to type or call. A designated Point-Person sent periodic updates to the dozen-or-so concerned friends and family. Before that we were keeping people in the loop one at a time and it was EXHAUSTING. The people I needed to call to cry, I called to cry.
But expecting someone who is bleeding internally (or whatever) to do emotional labor for you ain't it, even if you are the emergency contact.
Which, you aren't. I would send another message to the tune of: can you ask someone to send me an update? I am sick with worry about you, sending you all my best, and eager to help if there's I way I can. I can't wait to see you soon.
Then call a friend and cry.
posted by athirstforsalt at 8:47 AM on August 26, 2020 [6 favorites]
Why are you making what sounds like a very serious illness about you?
Last week, my husband got seriously fucking acutely sick with a different viral fever. He was hospitalized and it was scary as fuck. And while I was tempted to call him every five minutes.... I didn't, because he was either sleeping, or low-key delusional, or getting a blood transfusion, or too weak to type or call. A designated Point-Person sent periodic updates to the dozen-or-so concerned friends and family. Before that we were keeping people in the loop one at a time and it was EXHAUSTING. The people I needed to call to cry, I called to cry.
But expecting someone who is bleeding internally (or whatever) to do emotional labor for you ain't it, even if you are the emergency contact.
Which, you aren't. I would send another message to the tune of: can you ask someone to send me an update? I am sick with worry about you, sending you all my best, and eager to help if there's I way I can. I can't wait to see you soon.
Then call a friend and cry.
posted by athirstforsalt at 8:47 AM on August 26, 2020 [6 favorites]
Response by poster: I’ve texted him three times and called once. I am not doing anything close to making this about me. I don’t have the luxury of getting updates here.
posted by Amy93 at 8:53 AM on August 26, 2020 [21 favorites]
posted by Amy93 at 8:53 AM on August 26, 2020 [21 favorites]
I agree with all of the posters above who are suggesting contacting family to check in. It is normal and understandable and kind that you are concerned about how he's doing, especially during these times. If I were him and were really sick, I would really appreciate you trying to reach out to make sure I was doing okay. And in the event that he is ghosting (which I agree seems unlikely), who cares what he thinks and hopefully he feels some shame using "being super sick" to ghost someone during a global pandemic.
I hope he is doing okay, and that you are able to put your mind at ease. Please update us!
posted by DTMFA at 9:51 AM on August 26, 2020 [4 favorites]
I hope he is doing okay, and that you are able to put your mind at ease. Please update us!
posted by DTMFA at 9:51 AM on August 26, 2020 [4 favorites]
I sent him another text today low key pleading with him...
I am not doing anything close to making this about me...
You may not be contacting him at a high frequency (good job! I know it's hard), but you are still putting emotional pressure on him at a point when he probably doesn't have the bandwidth for it. I think that's the point athirstforsalt is trying to make above.
I know you care and that you're mostly motivated by concern for his health, but don't be too quick to dismiss the point about emotional labor. Can you show him that you care without making your comfort (knowing if he's okay) more important than his comfort (resting while ill)?
I also really feel like I have to address this:
Hell, maybe look into the police doing a wellness check at the door...
A wellness check seems deeply inappropriate here, since you know he is with other adults (his parents). A wellness check might be on the table if he were alone, but he's not, so it's not. Obviously this is even more true if he or his parents belong to any groups that are targeted by police. Wellness checks are not safe for everyone in the US, and can have serious repercussions.
posted by shb at 10:30 AM on August 26, 2020 [14 favorites]
I am not doing anything close to making this about me...
You may not be contacting him at a high frequency (good job! I know it's hard), but you are still putting emotional pressure on him at a point when he probably doesn't have the bandwidth for it. I think that's the point athirstforsalt is trying to make above.
I know you care and that you're mostly motivated by concern for his health, but don't be too quick to dismiss the point about emotional labor. Can you show him that you care without making your comfort (knowing if he's okay) more important than his comfort (resting while ill)?
I also really feel like I have to address this:
Hell, maybe look into the police doing a wellness check at the door...
A wellness check seems deeply inappropriate here, since you know he is with other adults (his parents). A wellness check might be on the table if he were alone, but he's not, so it's not. Obviously this is even more true if he or his parents belong to any groups that are targeted by police. Wellness checks are not safe for everyone in the US, and can have serious repercussions.
posted by shb at 10:30 AM on August 26, 2020 [14 favorites]
It doesn't sound to me like you are putting emotional pressure on him. From your description of the situation, he might very well be incapable of responding. That's why I suggested trying to contact someone who might know his condition, rather than continuing to text him and not even knowing if he's seeing the messages.
Pleading with him to respond to you assumes that he has been seeing your messages at all.
Don't announce to his family that you are his girlfriend, but coming from the perspective of a concerned friend who knew he was suddenly very sick doesn't seem out of line here.
posted by wondermouse at 11:17 AM on August 26, 2020 [2 favorites]
Pleading with him to respond to you assumes that he has been seeing your messages at all.
Don't announce to his family that you are his girlfriend, but coming from the perspective of a concerned friend who knew he was suddenly very sick doesn't seem out of line here.
posted by wondermouse at 11:17 AM on August 26, 2020 [2 favorites]
This may seem obvious, but: Are his mom/sister/friends posting anything on social media that you can see? If his mom is posting random memes and such, you can reasonably assume her son isn't on a ventilator.
What if you imagined him not as a romantic partner but as a new friend? What would you do then, without the murky added layer of anxious attachment/ghosting fears?
posted by gold bridges at 11:19 AM on August 26, 2020 [5 favorites]
What if you imagined him not as a romantic partner but as a new friend? What would you do then, without the murky added layer of anxious attachment/ghosting fears?
posted by gold bridges at 11:19 AM on August 26, 2020 [5 favorites]
I'd like to suggest that you're overthinking this. Putting it in a different order: if the last time you spoke with someone, you told them you were very ill... how would you feel if they never followed up after days/weeks of sudden loss of contact? Let your answer guide you, because your answer tells you what your personal values are in this scenario. Getting wound up in arbitrary arithmetic about how many days to wait between giving notice that you plan to contact his family and doing so is being extremely socially conscious in a situation that may be serious. The worst that can happen is that you find out this was ghosting and his parents/friends/etc. won't talk to you.
posted by late afternoon dreaming hotel at 1:08 PM on August 26, 2020 [5 favorites]
posted by late afternoon dreaming hotel at 1:08 PM on August 26, 2020 [5 favorites]
Response by poster: Quick update: I tried texting him one last time yesterday telling him that I’m going to contact his friends or family if I don’t hear anything. Still nothing. It’s day 6 and I’m sure that if he were ghosting that would have gotten a reply out of him. Now I’m convinced that he’s truly not okay. I think I’m going to try reaching out to family tonight.
It will likely be his mom or sister. I feel awful bothering them when they’re likely already going through a lot, but I couldn’t really identify anyone else I could reach out to and I really need to know. I’m super scared for him and I’m hesitant to reach out because I’m afraid I’ll get bad news, but it is what it is at this point.
Thank you all.
posted by Amy93 at 9:48 AM on August 27, 2020 [2 favorites]
It will likely be his mom or sister. I feel awful bothering them when they’re likely already going through a lot, but I couldn’t really identify anyone else I could reach out to and I really need to know. I’m super scared for him and I’m hesitant to reach out because I’m afraid I’ll get bad news, but it is what it is at this point.
Thank you all.
posted by Amy93 at 9:48 AM on August 27, 2020 [2 favorites]
I think it's perfectly fine to reach out to his mom and sister - it's been long enough. Please keep us updated and best of luck.
posted by annieb at 11:42 AM on August 27, 2020 [4 favorites]
posted by annieb at 11:42 AM on August 27, 2020 [4 favorites]
Response by poster: Kind of a strange and unfortunate final update. His sister got back to me pretty quickly and said that she spoke to him yesterday and he seemed fine. I was VERY CONFUSED so I asked her to let him know I was concerned. He sent me a text soon after apologizing, saying that he's not in a good mental space, and telling me I "deserve the world" and that he "wishes me nothing but the best".
So..... he was trying to ghost.
I just don't understand and I don't know how to feel. But at least I got my answer. Thank you all.
posted by Amy93 at 7:51 AM on August 28, 2020 [5 favorites]
So..... he was trying to ghost.
I just don't understand and I don't know how to feel. But at least I got my answer. Thank you all.
posted by Amy93 at 7:51 AM on August 28, 2020 [5 favorites]
"Oh what a tangled web we weave when at first we start to deceive" :(
I'm sorry to hear that. That is awful. Hugs to you.
posted by wondermouse at 8:17 AM on August 28, 2020 [4 favorites]
I'm sorry to hear that. That is awful. Hugs to you.
posted by wondermouse at 8:17 AM on August 28, 2020 [4 favorites]
Ugh that's such bad behavior on his part, that's not how a person should act especially during a pandemic! Did he want you to think he'd died? Wtf.
posted by beandip at 9:08 AM on August 28, 2020 [8 favorites]
posted by beandip at 9:08 AM on August 28, 2020 [8 favorites]
UGH. I'm sorry it went that way. I've been thinking about you and this difficult situation. I understand not being in a good mental space, especially now, but yeesh. That's one of the cruelest ghosting situations I've ever heard of.
posted by gold bridges at 9:10 AM on August 28, 2020 [6 favorites]
posted by gold bridges at 9:10 AM on August 28, 2020 [6 favorites]
Wow, yeah that's brutal. I can't believe how inconsiderate and selfish it is to ignore a series of frantic, concerned messages. For what it's worth I thought you were totally right to continue to enquire, given the information you had. Don't doubt your caring instincts. You will meet someone worthy of them one day.
posted by cranberrymonger at 10:23 AM on August 28, 2020 [7 favorites]
posted by cranberrymonger at 10:23 AM on August 28, 2020 [7 favorites]
Jeez Louise, if he was trying to edge away rather than abruptly ditch (perhaps to avoid kneecapping you in the closing days of your internship), he ought to have invented something else, almost anything else, supposedly swallowing up his time. Sorry, Amy93.
posted by Iris Gambol at 10:48 AM on August 28, 2020 [1 favorite]
posted by Iris Gambol at 10:48 AM on August 28, 2020 [1 favorite]
Damn. I wouldn't know what to feel either if I was in your shoes. Dating is SO hard because you just never know about people. All I can say is, better to know this sooner rather than later, you dodged a bullet, you got an answer so now you can move on, this has more to do with him than with you, etc. etc. And please be gentle with yourself. I know I'd be beating myself up if I was in your situation so I hope you're not doing that to yourself.
posted by foxjacket at 11:03 AM on August 28, 2020 [4 favorites]
posted by foxjacket at 11:03 AM on August 28, 2020 [4 favorites]
Best answer: WHAT A FUCKING ASSHOLE. HOW DARE HE MAKE YOU THINK HE'S DYING/DEAD AS A METHOD OF GHOSTING. WHAT A CRUEL FUCKING ASSHOLE.
I vote you send one last text to EVISCERATE HIM for his fucking cruelty.
The only bright side here is that at least you know.
And you got up the nerve to ask. But I'm so sick of a dude turning out to be yet another shitty dude.
posted by jenfullmoon at 5:45 PM on August 28, 2020 [26 favorites]
I vote you send one last text to EVISCERATE HIM for his fucking cruelty.
The only bright side here is that at least you know.
And you got up the nerve to ask. But I'm so sick of a dude turning out to be yet another shitty dude.
posted by jenfullmoon at 5:45 PM on August 28, 2020 [26 favorites]
What a wanker. At least you found out before you'd invested years in someone with such little character.
Your kind instincts were the right ones. It's just too bad this guy was so far beneath you.
posted by rpfields at 7:55 PM on August 28, 2020 [3 favorites]
Your kind instincts were the right ones. It's just too bad this guy was so far beneath you.
posted by rpfields at 7:55 PM on August 28, 2020 [3 favorites]
It’s times like this that I wish there was a central Shit Men database that single women could reference so they didn’t waste their time on yet another total asshole. Tell his mother. If she’s a half decent person, she’ll rip him a new one.
posted by Jubey at 4:50 AM on August 29, 2020 [6 favorites]
posted by Jubey at 4:50 AM on August 29, 2020 [6 favorites]
I hope his sister ripped the shit out of him for pulling such a low, cowardly move. What an utter douchebag.
Chalk this one up as a story you'll tell to your friends over drinks some day and I'm seconding the above Mefites telling you to be kind to yourself. Your very first instinct was to be kind and compassionate and that is a beautiful thing, something we need more than ever right now. Please hold on to it and don't let some scummy man take it away from you, because he clearly never deserved it in the first place.
posted by fight or flight at 10:47 AM on August 29, 2020 [8 favorites]
Chalk this one up as a story you'll tell to your friends over drinks some day and I'm seconding the above Mefites telling you to be kind to yourself. Your very first instinct was to be kind and compassionate and that is a beautiful thing, something we need more than ever right now. Please hold on to it and don't let some scummy man take it away from you, because he clearly never deserved it in the first place.
posted by fight or flight at 10:47 AM on August 29, 2020 [8 favorites]
Omg...did he lie about the swelling and fluid in the lungs?! I mean, I think he actually set up the situation to make you think he died. His sister sounded confused as to why you were even worried about him, which suggests that he wasn't even that sick.
I can't. I got ghosted after a few months of dating earlier this year. I feel you. Luckily I have moved on so hard by now - trust me, with time it gets better.
Send that revenge text. I'm sorry. You will meet someone worth your care.
posted by pando11 at 9:12 AM on September 2, 2020 [2 favorites]
I can't. I got ghosted after a few months of dating earlier this year. I feel you. Luckily I have moved on so hard by now - trust me, with time it gets better.
Send that revenge text. I'm sorry. You will meet someone worth your care.
posted by pando11 at 9:12 AM on September 2, 2020 [2 favorites]
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If anything his parents are probably really worried about him and will not be offended by someone else in his life expressing concern as well.
If his parents say, oh he's sick but he's at home staying with us and doing ok for now, not feeling up to staying in touch with friends...then if you don't hear back from him in the future...well sadly that's your answer. he either can't stay in touch right now, or doesn't want to. On the other hand, he might be in a hospital on a ventilator, and mom and dad have his phone in the meantime and have been charging it. Who knows.
Also...people can still get normal flu and pneumonia even during COVID, a situation like that might account for the negative tests. It can still be a serious illness of course.
posted by zdravo at 5:31 PM on August 25, 2020 [30 favorites]