Is it in bad form to ask friends to send me a care package?
July 1, 2020 10:01 AM Subscribe
I am currently spiraling and unable to take care of myself. I also do not have a lot of money right now to buy groceries. My therapist has encouraged me before to never hesitate to ask help from friends. Would requesting that they send me a care package be in bad taste?
I am isolated (the building where I live does not allow visitors at this time). I can pick up deliveries at the lobby. I am running out of canned goods in my pantry, and there are days when I am unable to move and have no motivation to live, much more eat and shower. I want to get out of this rut. Was thinking if friends can help me out by sending me food—maybe it's a start to me getting back on my feet. But I keep thinking it's selfish to ask for help, or perhaps this kind of help.
I often send care packages to friends in the past when I think of them or when they are sad or unwell. But it's out of my own initiative, and they never ask for it. So for me to ask this time around—I'm not sure if it's right to do that. But I just really need help...this pandemic has been a really rough time.
Thank you.
I am isolated (the building where I live does not allow visitors at this time). I can pick up deliveries at the lobby. I am running out of canned goods in my pantry, and there are days when I am unable to move and have no motivation to live, much more eat and shower. I want to get out of this rut. Was thinking if friends can help me out by sending me food—maybe it's a start to me getting back on my feet. But I keep thinking it's selfish to ask for help, or perhaps this kind of help.
I often send care packages to friends in the past when I think of them or when they are sad or unwell. But it's out of my own initiative, and they never ask for it. So for me to ask this time around—I'm not sure if it's right to do that. But I just really need help...this pandemic has been a really rough time.
Thank you.
If I were your friend, I would want you to ask and I would be delighted to help. Please do ask; it's not in bad taste at all.
posted by Stacey at 10:07 AM on July 1, 2020 [41 favorites]
posted by Stacey at 10:07 AM on July 1, 2020 [41 favorites]
Definitely. You could also ask for help from a local mutual aid group.
posted by pinochiette at 10:07 AM on July 1, 2020 [11 favorites]
posted by pinochiette at 10:07 AM on July 1, 2020 [11 favorites]
If I was your friend I'd be happy to learn there was a concrete and actionable way to help you. This is such a difficult time and it an be hard to know how to help people struggling so if one of my friends gave me a way I'd be happy to do it.
I hope things get better for you soon.
posted by SpaceWarp13 at 10:11 AM on July 1, 2020 [13 favorites]
I hope things get better for you soon.
posted by SpaceWarp13 at 10:11 AM on July 1, 2020 [13 favorites]
yes please do ask. But do it one on one, individually, preferably on the phone, or text. This is not the time for a social media post or an email blast.
posted by fingersandtoes at 10:13 AM on July 1, 2020 [10 favorites]
posted by fingersandtoes at 10:13 AM on July 1, 2020 [10 favorites]
Just ask. Maybe not everyone you ask will be able to, for logistical or spoons-related reasons of their own, but do ask. You can always start with, "I need a little help right now, can I tell you about it and get your feedback?"
Also, do you live in a place with Instacart or similar grocery delivery? If a friend were to ask me for a hand-mailed care package right this minute I would not be able to go out and shop for that right away, probably, but would gladly help place/pay for some groceries or takeout or similar. If you can just jot down a quick list of options, it might make it easier to work out the details with your friends.
This is a really hard time, but one of the weirdly useful things is that it seems to be cyclical for a lot of people. Asking around will likely mean you'll touch base with some people who are doing pretty okay at the moment even if others are not at their best right now.
posted by Lyn Never at 10:15 AM on July 1, 2020 [7 favorites]
Also, do you live in a place with Instacart or similar grocery delivery? If a friend were to ask me for a hand-mailed care package right this minute I would not be able to go out and shop for that right away, probably, but would gladly help place/pay for some groceries or takeout or similar. If you can just jot down a quick list of options, it might make it easier to work out the details with your friends.
This is a really hard time, but one of the weirdly useful things is that it seems to be cyclical for a lot of people. Asking around will likely mean you'll touch base with some people who are doing pretty okay at the moment even if others are not at their best right now.
posted by Lyn Never at 10:15 AM on July 1, 2020 [7 favorites]
Send me a message with what kind of items you need, I'll send you some stuff.
posted by jabes at 10:17 AM on July 1, 2020 [36 favorites]
posted by jabes at 10:17 AM on July 1, 2020 [36 favorites]
I wouldn't use the phrase care package. If you asked me for a care package, I wouldn't want to do it and I'd feel very uncomfortable. If you need food, just ask for food. But also be prepared that not everyone you ask will want or be able to do it. It's not a personal rejection but there's not a lot of people I'd want to personally give that level of support to, only to very close friends or family. My answer is not the politically correct answer, but it reflects my own sense and value on privacy and boundaries.
posted by Aranquis at 10:18 AM on July 1, 2020 [15 favorites]
posted by Aranquis at 10:18 AM on July 1, 2020 [15 favorites]
If I were your friend, I would be thrilled to send you a care package! Food, of course, but please don't be afraid to ask for things to help in your self-care as well. If showering is A Lot, would really nice wet wipes help bridge the gap? Or super-fancy soap, to kind of make showering a bit nicer? Or a particular treat you're really fond of, whether it's a certain kind of food, or a pastry or something?
We sing not just for bread, but also roses. Please don't be afraid to ask for something to make your life sweeter, as well as the necessities.
You are in my thoughts.
posted by kalimac at 10:18 AM on July 1, 2020 [9 favorites]
We sing not just for bread, but also roses. Please don't be afraid to ask for something to make your life sweeter, as well as the necessities.
You are in my thoughts.
posted by kalimac at 10:18 AM on July 1, 2020 [9 favorites]
I don’t have the funds to send you anything at this time, but if you have friends that are inclined towards online shopping you may also enjoy dehydrated camping meals which only require that you pour boiling water in the bag and then wait. REI has a good selection of options.
posted by raccoon409 at 10:19 AM on July 1, 2020
posted by raccoon409 at 10:19 AM on July 1, 2020
You're asking two separate questions: 1) Is it in bad taste? 2) Should I do it? The answer to the latter is yes. The answer to the former doesn't matter.
posted by kevinbelt at 10:21 AM on July 1, 2020 [4 favorites]
posted by kevinbelt at 10:21 AM on July 1, 2020 [4 favorites]
If my friend was worried about running out of food and other supplies, I would feel so upset if they were also worried about asking me.
I would send a text or email to a your friend saying “I’m feeling too down to go to the store but I’m about to run out of food and I’m scared. Could you get some X, Y, and Z for me and drop it off at my building?” The sooner you ask, the more leeway you have to say “this can wait til next time you’re at the store” or whatever.
It is much, much harder to ask for this than it is for your friend to do it. This is exactly what friends are for.
posted by sallybrown at 10:28 AM on July 1, 2020 [9 favorites]
I would send a text or email to a your friend saying “I’m feeling too down to go to the store but I’m about to run out of food and I’m scared. Could you get some X, Y, and Z for me and drop it off at my building?” The sooner you ask, the more leeway you have to say “this can wait til next time you’re at the store” or whatever.
It is much, much harder to ask for this than it is for your friend to do it. This is exactly what friends are for.
posted by sallybrown at 10:28 AM on July 1, 2020 [9 favorites]
Ask explicitly for what you need of people who you think are able and willing to give it. What matters in terms of deciding to do that is that a) you need food b) you think that your friends would be able to help meet that need c) you think that your friends would want to help you meet that need. Things I have mistakenly thought mattered in the past: 1) my discomfort at the uncertainty and vulnerability inherent in asking 2) whether I think I can tell a story where I am owed their help.
People understand food. It's often one of the most natural things for people to share, if it occurs to them. I agree with the suggestion that you ask 1:1 rather than as a social media post or some other broadcast. People better recognize urgency when they feel like it is being directed specifically at them.
posted by PMdixon at 10:29 AM on July 1, 2020 [2 favorites]
People understand food. It's often one of the most natural things for people to share, if it occurs to them. I agree with the suggestion that you ask 1:1 rather than as a social media post or some other broadcast. People better recognize urgency when they feel like it is being directed specifically at them.
posted by PMdixon at 10:29 AM on July 1, 2020 [2 favorites]
Hello friend, if you are in the continental US, please send me a memail and I will help you.
posted by bilabial at 10:38 AM on July 1, 2020 [17 favorites]
posted by bilabial at 10:38 AM on July 1, 2020 [17 favorites]
Please send me your addy and I will mail you some things!
And this is exactly when it is appropriate, urgent, and important to ask for help.
posted by haplesschild at 10:41 AM on July 1, 2020 [11 favorites]
And this is exactly when it is appropriate, urgent, and important to ask for help.
posted by haplesschild at 10:41 AM on July 1, 2020 [11 favorites]
If my friend asked me for food I would buy them all the food without hesitation or judgment. But the framing of it as a care package is weird. Just ask for food or money for groceries and I wager anyone that can help will do so.
posted by Young Kullervo at 10:41 AM on July 1, 2020 [3 favorites]
posted by Young Kullervo at 10:41 AM on July 1, 2020 [3 favorites]
Also same DM and I’ll send you all the food or VENMO monies.
posted by Young Kullervo at 10:42 AM on July 1, 2020 [6 favorites]
posted by Young Kullervo at 10:42 AM on July 1, 2020 [6 favorites]
I have had friends ask for exactly this, and it was fine. I'm sure it was tough for them to ask, but I was happy to be able to help.
This isn't selfish. You should ask.
posted by Akhu at 10:43 AM on July 1, 2020 [3 favorites]
This isn't selfish. You should ask.
posted by Akhu at 10:43 AM on July 1, 2020 [3 favorites]
I have been doing this for a family member who can't take care of themselves right now. It is SO WONDERFUL to be able to provide concrete help in this manner. It THRILLS me to know that she has a specific need and I can fill it. Please reach out to your friends.
posted by BlahLaLa at 10:49 AM on July 1, 2020 [16 favorites]
posted by BlahLaLa at 10:49 AM on July 1, 2020 [16 favorites]
Yes. Please ask. I've been struggling with a condition that makes it difficult to use my hands, and then I sprained my ankle, so it was impossible to go out and get food, let alone prepare it.
I also don't readily ask for help, but I decided to, and my friends really came through - and were delighted to be able to help. Give your friends the opportunity to help you.
posted by rachaelfaith at 11:08 AM on July 1, 2020 [6 favorites]
I also don't readily ask for help, but I decided to, and my friends really came through - and were delighted to be able to help. Give your friends the opportunity to help you.
posted by rachaelfaith at 11:08 AM on July 1, 2020 [6 favorites]
Absolutely not in bad taste. If I was asked by a friend I’d be so happy to have something practical and tangible to do to help. Asking for help getting food to eat is so entirely reasonable.
I’ve been on my own throughout the lockdown and it grinds you down. I hope things get better.
posted by ElasticParrot at 11:09 AM on July 1, 2020 [6 favorites]
I’ve been on my own throughout the lockdown and it grinds you down. I hope things get better.
posted by ElasticParrot at 11:09 AM on July 1, 2020 [6 favorites]
I once heard a comment from someone who really struggled with asking for help. She eventually reframed it in her mind about how good it feels to be able to help *other* people and focused on that instead. It's stuck with me and has made it easier (but not easy) for me.
Totally agree that this is the perfect situation to be asking for help. If you're in the US, I'd be happy to send you something - PM me if you'd like.
posted by Twicketface at 11:29 AM on July 1, 2020 [4 favorites]
Totally agree that this is the perfect situation to be asking for help. If you're in the US, I'd be happy to send you something - PM me if you'd like.
posted by Twicketface at 11:29 AM on July 1, 2020 [4 favorites]
Adding my name to those who can send a little help in the form of food or a venmo donation. It doesnt have to be the most practical thing. If there are some silly chocolates or fancy soap or whatever that'll make you feel a little better, please me-mail me. Hang in there, my friend. These are dark dark times. We have to take little moments of joy when we can.
posted by silverstatue at 12:01 PM on July 1, 2020 [6 favorites]
posted by silverstatue at 12:01 PM on July 1, 2020 [6 favorites]
Yeah, DM me with your venmo, I'd love to help.
Editing to add that I'm always happy to help a friend like this, and I actually prefer a social media or email post to reaching out individually.
posted by hought20 at 12:50 PM on July 1, 2020 [6 favorites]
Editing to add that I'm always happy to help a friend like this, and I actually prefer a social media or email post to reaching out individually.
posted by hought20 at 12:50 PM on July 1, 2020 [6 favorites]
I am also happy to send you food if you PM me
posted by namesarehard at 12:54 PM on July 1, 2020 [6 favorites]
posted by namesarehard at 12:54 PM on July 1, 2020 [6 favorites]
Ill send you a care package if you memail me. Your friends will too, please ask them.
posted by Sparky Buttons at 1:21 PM on July 1, 2020 [6 favorites]
posted by Sparky Buttons at 1:21 PM on July 1, 2020 [6 favorites]
I agree with some that a social media post would be much better than a one-on-one request. If you post on your FB, you might be surprised at the variety of people who respond who you might never think to ask directly--but if you put someone on the spot by asking them directly it's SO much more uncomfortable for them to say no.
posted by zeusianfog at 1:27 PM on July 1, 2020 [5 favorites]
posted by zeusianfog at 1:27 PM on July 1, 2020 [5 favorites]
I would love to get this kind of request from a friend.
posted by Ragged Richard at 2:10 PM on July 1, 2020 [2 favorites]
posted by Ragged Richard at 2:10 PM on July 1, 2020 [2 favorites]
If you're in the UK, let me know how I can help.
posted by essexjan at 2:15 PM on July 1, 2020 [6 favorites]
posted by essexjan at 2:15 PM on July 1, 2020 [6 favorites]
I would be pleased and honoured to get a request like this, and it would give me a concrete practical way to express my friendship to you
posted by JJZByBffqU at 2:16 PM on July 1, 2020 [2 favorites]
posted by JJZByBffqU at 2:16 PM on July 1, 2020 [2 favorites]
If a friend of mine let me know they needed this kind of help, I'd be in the kitchen filling a box with canned foods and dry goods from my pantry before they'd had time to reply to my question "what's your address, I'll send something over immediately".
posted by Lexica at 2:22 PM on July 1, 2020 [4 favorites]
posted by Lexica at 2:22 PM on July 1, 2020 [4 favorites]
Also very happy to help with Venmo funds or food delivery if you want to MeMail me your information.
As far as asking friends for a care package—yes, absolutely ask.
posted by gold bridges at 2:24 PM on July 1, 2020 [4 favorites]
As far as asking friends for a care package—yes, absolutely ask.
posted by gold bridges at 2:24 PM on July 1, 2020 [4 favorites]
I would also be happy to help. I'm not on Venmo, but I do have a PayPal account, or I'd be happy to send some groceries or toiletries if you live in the US. Please PM me.
BTW, if you think this is going to be an ongoing thing, you might ask a friend to either set up a FB page for you or do Lotsa Helping Hands or something like that. We did that for a friend with a complicated pregnancy and I don't think they needed to shop or cook for about three months.
It's also perfectly fine to just create a FB post about this.
posted by dancing_angel at 2:31 PM on July 1, 2020 [3 favorites]
BTW, if you think this is going to be an ongoing thing, you might ask a friend to either set up a FB page for you or do Lotsa Helping Hands or something like that. We did that for a friend with a complicated pregnancy and I don't think they needed to shop or cook for about three months.
It's also perfectly fine to just create a FB post about this.
posted by dancing_angel at 2:31 PM on July 1, 2020 [3 favorites]
Someone above said this: Ask explicitly for what you need of people who you think are able and willing to give it. (emphasis added). There's a "politically incorrect" answer above that may apply to some people in your life; you probably know who they are by now through their behaviour with other people as well as you. Don't ask them, they may not know how to handle their discomfort gracefully and instead turn it back on you. You don't need that right now.
posted by blerghamot at 3:56 PM on July 1, 2020 [1 favorite]
posted by blerghamot at 3:56 PM on July 1, 2020 [1 favorite]
I will send one!
I know, how weird to send your address to all these internet people. You should totally do it.
posted by Glinn at 5:29 PM on July 1, 2020 [5 favorites]
I know, how weird to send your address to all these internet people. You should totally do it.
posted by Glinn at 5:29 PM on July 1, 2020 [5 favorites]
Yes, ask! And good that you did here, and wow, so many wonderful mefi friends want to help! The love in this thread makes me feel so good for you and I hope you take these kind people up on their offers and that your situation improves. Be well!
posted by danabanana at 5:48 PM on July 1, 2020 [2 favorites]
posted by danabanana at 5:48 PM on July 1, 2020 [2 favorites]
I think that this is a wonderful idea. Being vulnerable and asking for support is great. If you send me your address, I'd get joy out of sending you a care package.
posted by jennstra at 6:07 PM on July 1, 2020 [3 favorites]
posted by jennstra at 6:07 PM on July 1, 2020 [3 favorites]
I agree with everyone up-thread. I'm sure your friends would love to help if they have the means, and I don't think it is rude to ask for help when you are having a tough time. I will happily send you a care package if you happen to live in Canada! Memail me your address if you do, and are comfortable sharing. Hang in there.
posted by DTMFA at 6:26 PM on July 1, 2020 [2 favorites]
posted by DTMFA at 6:26 PM on July 1, 2020 [2 favorites]
I would gladly Venmo or PayPal you a few bucks - memail me your details.
I know from personal experience how hard it can be to ask for help. I also know how gratifying it is to receive it when I did ask. Let your friends help you.
posted by lyssabee at 7:21 PM on July 1, 2020 [3 favorites]
I know from personal experience how hard it can be to ask for help. I also know how gratifying it is to receive it when I did ask. Let your friends help you.
posted by lyssabee at 7:21 PM on July 1, 2020 [3 favorites]
I’d be more than happy to send you a care package, memail me and let me know what you’d like to receive :)
posted by Champagne Supernova at 11:27 PM on July 1, 2020 [3 favorites]
posted by Champagne Supernova at 11:27 PM on July 1, 2020 [3 favorites]
I would also love to send you a care package and some snail mail! Memail if you want! Thinking of you.
posted by fairlynearlyready at 12:27 AM on July 2, 2020 [3 favorites]
posted by fairlynearlyready at 12:27 AM on July 2, 2020 [3 favorites]
Adding to the offers - if you are in Europe, please MeMail me, I would love to send you something.
posted by paduasoy at 1:07 AM on July 2, 2020 [1 favorite]
posted by paduasoy at 1:07 AM on July 2, 2020 [1 favorite]
If you're in the UK, I'll totally send you something. But yes, yes, it's *fine* to ask your friends if you think they can help, this is absolutely the right time to let your friends help you.
And you know, for what it's worth, the one thing that's been helping me feel better about the ongoing shitshow has been times when I was able to provide someone with a bit of concrete help. It makes everything feel a bit less hopeless and overwhelming. It may very well help your friends to be able to help you.
posted by BlueNorther at 5:35 AM on July 2, 2020 [1 favorite]
And you know, for what it's worth, the one thing that's been helping me feel better about the ongoing shitshow has been times when I was able to provide someone with a bit of concrete help. It makes everything feel a bit less hopeless and overwhelming. It may very well help your friends to be able to help you.
posted by BlueNorther at 5:35 AM on July 2, 2020 [1 favorite]
I echo BlahLahLah that being able to provide concrete assistance at a time like this is actually a wonderful feeling. If you were my friend and asked me for some assistance, I would be happy to do so, regardless of how you phrased it. I hope you feel better soon.
posted by hepta at 6:11 AM on July 2, 2020 [6 favorites]
posted by hepta at 6:11 AM on July 2, 2020 [6 favorites]
I would feel terrible if I knew I had a friend in this kind of need who thought they couldn't ask me for help.
Your depressed brain is lying to you about whether you have people around you who care and would want to help. Don't listen!
posted by praemunire at 12:01 PM on July 2, 2020 [1 favorite]
Your depressed brain is lying to you about whether you have people around you who care and would want to help. Don't listen!
posted by praemunire at 12:01 PM on July 2, 2020 [1 favorite]
As someone who has had to ask friends for quite a lot of help, ask. It's not in poor taste - these are your friends, the people who love and care about you. They will be crushed if something happens to you and you didn't ask. When you get better you can pay it forward.
Also if you have paypal or a wishlist somewhere, link me. I can't send much, but I can send something.
posted by bile and syntax at 12:06 PM on July 2, 2020 [2 favorites]
Also if you have paypal or a wishlist somewhere, link me. I can't send much, but I can send something.
posted by bile and syntax at 12:06 PM on July 2, 2020 [2 favorites]
In case you are struggling with the Memails, or whether to send any at all, here is an example of what I might write to each person:
Hello Metafilter and thank you!
I am sending this message to all the people who replied they wanted to mail stuff, in the care package thread.
Please do not feel obligated to do this! I feel weird about it!
But if you still want to:
[name]
[address]
[address]
Thank you from the bottom of my heart.
Obviously if you really prefer not to, that is ok!
posted by Glinn at 12:34 PM on July 2, 2020 [8 favorites]
Hello Metafilter and thank you!
I am sending this message to all the people who replied they wanted to mail stuff, in the care package thread.
Please do not feel obligated to do this! I feel weird about it!
But if you still want to:
[name]
[address]
[address]
Thank you from the bottom of my heart.
Obviously if you really prefer not to, that is ok!
posted by Glinn at 12:34 PM on July 2, 2020 [8 favorites]
A friend with COVID sent me a shopping list and it made me so happy to know exactly what I could do for her.
posted by The corpse in the library at 6:25 PM on July 4, 2020
posted by The corpse in the library at 6:25 PM on July 4, 2020
I'd love to help too. As others have said, it is a joy to be able to concretely help someone in these times.
posted by foodmapper at 10:22 AM on July 8, 2020
posted by foodmapper at 10:22 AM on July 8, 2020
If a friend said "can you send me a care package?" I might be a little confused and not know exactly what that means.
But if a local friend said "hey I'm having a really rough time right now, I haven't been out in awhile and can't really handle shopping or pay for groceries, this feels weird but any chance you could pick some things up for me when you're at the grocery store next?" I would be THRILLED to leap into action and drop off a bunch of food for you.
I know the second message might be more embarrassing to send than the first, but the only embarrassment I would feel at receiving the second message would be how excited I am to help.
posted by beandip at 11:35 AM on July 8, 2020 [2 favorites]
But if a local friend said "hey I'm having a really rough time right now, I haven't been out in awhile and can't really handle shopping or pay for groceries, this feels weird but any chance you could pick some things up for me when you're at the grocery store next?" I would be THRILLED to leap into action and drop off a bunch of food for you.
I know the second message might be more embarrassing to send than the first, but the only embarrassment I would feel at receiving the second message would be how excited I am to help.
posted by beandip at 11:35 AM on July 8, 2020 [2 favorites]
I agree with beandip, but I want to add that the message should be clear if you’ll be paying them back or if you’re asking for them to pay for the supplies.
posted by The corpse in the library at 8:14 PM on July 8, 2020
posted by The corpse in the library at 8:14 PM on July 8, 2020
« Older Name that book, antibiotic speculative fiction... | Can someone please tell me what this is above my... Newer »
This thread is closed to new comments.
Good luck. Be well.
posted by AugustWest at 10:04 AM on July 1, 2020 [18 favorites]