My cat is dying- what do I need to know to get through this?
June 26, 2020 1:21 PM Subscribe
I have just found out my beloved young kitty is dying. He has a stone blocking his ureter which will eventually cause his kidneys to fail in a few months.
I'd like to know how to get through this and a bit of reassurance that I'm doing the right thing.
Some questions:
1. How do I make the last few months of his life as happy and painless as can be?
2. Is it okay not to pursue treatment options / second opinions if:
* The vets have an excellent reputation, did thorough testing, and I trust their judgement
* Two of the treatment options have very low chances of success and could make him worse
* The third treatment option is harmless, but expensive and has no evidence it would work
3. How do I prepare mentally and practically for his decline? For anyone who has been through something similar, what helped you? I live alone with just him and his brother, and have been having a tough time outside of this.
Some questions:
1. How do I make the last few months of his life as happy and painless as can be?
2. Is it okay not to pursue treatment options / second opinions if:
* The vets have an excellent reputation, did thorough testing, and I trust their judgement
* Two of the treatment options have very low chances of success and could make him worse
* The third treatment option is harmless, but expensive and has no evidence it would work
3. How do I prepare mentally and practically for his decline? For anyone who has been through something similar, what helped you? I live alone with just him and his brother, and have been having a tough time outside of this.
All I can say is "be there" as much as you can. My first cat loss is one of my biggest regrets. She was alone in the vets -we dropped her off and I had to go to work, and my mom couldn't handle it either. I vowed never to do that again.
My second kitty death was in 2016. She was suffering for a couple weeks near the end, but was a long downhil for months. I don't know if there's anything you can do to prepare. (it's been 4 years and I'm tearing up just now thinking about it all (her and the first).
I had a kitty mom to go through this with so I'm sorry you don't have another support on it. I guess hopefully you have friends who can be there and empathetic and support you through this. (wow I was not expecting to tear up like this). I guess beware that you might just tear up years later. Knowing that you'll carry them in your hearts long after is a reassurance, I think.
Remember it will probably be hard for your 2nd cat. This is one thing we are \going to have to deal with - we got 2 boys... We don't know what they're going to do without each other, they're so close. Don't forget to be there for them both... Anyways, sorry...
*hugs* and sending lots of empathy to you and the kitties.
posted by symbioid at 1:42 PM on June 26, 2020
My second kitty death was in 2016. She was suffering for a couple weeks near the end, but was a long downhil for months. I don't know if there's anything you can do to prepare. (it's been 4 years and I'm tearing up just now thinking about it all (her and the first).
I had a kitty mom to go through this with so I'm sorry you don't have another support on it. I guess hopefully you have friends who can be there and empathetic and support you through this. (wow I was not expecting to tear up like this). I guess beware that you might just tear up years later. Knowing that you'll carry them in your hearts long after is a reassurance, I think.
Remember it will probably be hard for your 2nd cat. This is one thing we are \going to have to deal with - we got 2 boys... We don't know what they're going to do without each other, they're so close. Don't forget to be there for them both... Anyways, sorry...
*hugs* and sending lots of empathy to you and the kitties.
posted by symbioid at 1:42 PM on June 26, 2020
Oh honey, I'm so sorry. Hugs if you want them.
Over the past year and a half, we lost both our pets. Taking care of a chronically ill pet slowly warps your life around theirs. Life was strange and unbalanced for a full year before and after their death. All that can be done is getting through it one day at a time. Grieving a family member while they're still alive is both really horrifying and really mundane and just something to get through.
Do what you can to just love them and yourself every day. Knowing that our pets had the best last year we could give them was key to my sanity. We didn't do everything; we did everything we thought would make a measurable difference in their quality of life.
Articles about providing hospice style care, vs cure-them style care, were very helpful. Also, my cat was obviously not my parent, but articles about handling an elderly parent with the same health conditions did help. There was surprising overlap in the symptoms and strategies for handling what my cat was going through. Perhaps articles about managing fatal kidney disease might be helpful?
I will say, don't be afraid to use medications. It's so difficult to tell if a cat is in pain, so we decided to trial one to see if it made a difference. The change in behavior was astonishing - there had clearly been a lot of pain that we had thought was just age-related grumpiness. Ditto for the anti-depressants and several other medications. By the end the pets were taking more medications than the rest of us put together, but we had carefully tracked the impacts and all of them were worth it.
It's hard to know if something is helping when they can't talk, so we kept journals and monitored behavior instead. Spontaneous play, aggression or calmness and clinginess were good indicators to track.
Don't be afraid to end it when it's time. Death is not failure. Letting them leave before their life stops being enjoyable is the win state.
Grief ebbs and flows, it doesn't stick around forever. The mourning will end and the good parts will remain. Sometimes you'll miss them and sometimes you'll be so glad they're not stuck wherever you're stuck right then and sometimes you'll be struck by a funny memory and start laughing. The next little bit of your life is going to feel awful in ways I don't have words to describe, but that's not permanent.
posted by Ahniya at 2:23 PM on June 26, 2020 [7 favorites]
Over the past year and a half, we lost both our pets. Taking care of a chronically ill pet slowly warps your life around theirs. Life was strange and unbalanced for a full year before and after their death. All that can be done is getting through it one day at a time. Grieving a family member while they're still alive is both really horrifying and really mundane and just something to get through.
Do what you can to just love them and yourself every day. Knowing that our pets had the best last year we could give them was key to my sanity. We didn't do everything; we did everything we thought would make a measurable difference in their quality of life.
Articles about providing hospice style care, vs cure-them style care, were very helpful. Also, my cat was obviously not my parent, but articles about handling an elderly parent with the same health conditions did help. There was surprising overlap in the symptoms and strategies for handling what my cat was going through. Perhaps articles about managing fatal kidney disease might be helpful?
I will say, don't be afraid to use medications. It's so difficult to tell if a cat is in pain, so we decided to trial one to see if it made a difference. The change in behavior was astonishing - there had clearly been a lot of pain that we had thought was just age-related grumpiness. Ditto for the anti-depressants and several other medications. By the end the pets were taking more medications than the rest of us put together, but we had carefully tracked the impacts and all of them were worth it.
It's hard to know if something is helping when they can't talk, so we kept journals and monitored behavior instead. Spontaneous play, aggression or calmness and clinginess were good indicators to track.
Don't be afraid to end it when it's time. Death is not failure. Letting them leave before their life stops being enjoyable is the win state.
Grief ebbs and flows, it doesn't stick around forever. The mourning will end and the good parts will remain. Sometimes you'll miss them and sometimes you'll be so glad they're not stuck wherever you're stuck right then and sometimes you'll be struck by a funny memory and start laughing. The next little bit of your life is going to feel awful in ways I don't have words to describe, but that's not permanent.
posted by Ahniya at 2:23 PM on June 26, 2020 [7 favorites]
I’m so sorry. Yes, it’s okay to not get a second opinion if you trust your vet. It’s okay to make a decision that risk/benefits of potential treatments are not right for your cat, depending on what you know about his temperament, your budget, treatment effectiveness, etc.
For his final months, you can give him love, tasty treats, comfy beds, You should talk with your vet about how to ensure he is not in pain or how to know if he is. If he is on painkillers at any point, stay on top of doses as much as possible so you’re not racing to catch up with pain that’s come back from a missed dosage.
If he has a slow decline, you may be second guessing yourself sometimes about whether his symptoms have gotten worse. You can do Future You a kindness by keeping some notes on how he’s doing so you have history to look at. There are pet quality of life scales floating around the internet, and you may want to fill one of those out every couple of weeks.
You don’t have to run out and do this today, but at some point, if you think you’d like to have a hospice vet come to your home when the time comes, do some research now to figure out what that looks like in the COVID-19 era and if you can do paperwork now so when the time comes you can just make the call and not have to do the legwork.
It sounds like you have good time left with him; enjoy that, even when it’s bittersweet. I’ve had cats where I got one last good day after a bad diagnosis and cats where I got two mostly-good years. In neither extreme do I regret the time spent just sitting with them and loving them for the time that I had.
posted by Stacey at 2:38 PM on June 26, 2020
For his final months, you can give him love, tasty treats, comfy beds, You should talk with your vet about how to ensure he is not in pain or how to know if he is. If he is on painkillers at any point, stay on top of doses as much as possible so you’re not racing to catch up with pain that’s come back from a missed dosage.
If he has a slow decline, you may be second guessing yourself sometimes about whether his symptoms have gotten worse. You can do Future You a kindness by keeping some notes on how he’s doing so you have history to look at. There are pet quality of life scales floating around the internet, and you may want to fill one of those out every couple of weeks.
You don’t have to run out and do this today, but at some point, if you think you’d like to have a hospice vet come to your home when the time comes, do some research now to figure out what that looks like in the COVID-19 era and if you can do paperwork now so when the time comes you can just make the call and not have to do the legwork.
It sounds like you have good time left with him; enjoy that, even when it’s bittersweet. I’ve had cats where I got one last good day after a bad diagnosis and cats where I got two mostly-good years. In neither extreme do I regret the time spent just sitting with them and loving them for the time that I had.
posted by Stacey at 2:38 PM on June 26, 2020
So sorry for you and your kitties. I have been through this too many times ... the one thing I can say is that having a vet come to your home to ease his passage is absolutely the best money you will ever spend.
posted by cyndigo at 2:59 PM on June 26, 2020 [2 favorites]
posted by cyndigo at 2:59 PM on June 26, 2020 [2 favorites]
Virtual hugs to you.
I'd like to give you a different perspective on pet euthanasia, one that comes from my experience with dogs. You know, dogs are stoic and don't complain unless the pain is really bad. But in addition to stopping the things he normally enjoyed, he stopped eating. I tried to entice him with wet food and then with scrambled egg. Both worked for a day or two. But as the human with the ability to see the future, I knew it was over for them. They couldn't see that. I didn't want them to suffer any more.
I was in the vet's office at the procedure. It was immediate and painless. I then dug their graves and buried them in the yard.
I felt sad, absolutely, but with a little time, I felt that euthanasia was the last gift I could give them, who had given me so much.
posted by tmdonahue at 3:15 PM on June 26, 2020 [1 favorite]
I'd like to give you a different perspective on pet euthanasia, one that comes from my experience with dogs. You know, dogs are stoic and don't complain unless the pain is really bad. But in addition to stopping the things he normally enjoyed, he stopped eating. I tried to entice him with wet food and then with scrambled egg. Both worked for a day or two. But as the human with the ability to see the future, I knew it was over for them. They couldn't see that. I didn't want them to suffer any more.
I was in the vet's office at the procedure. It was immediate and painless. I then dug their graves and buried them in the yard.
I felt sad, absolutely, but with a little time, I felt that euthanasia was the last gift I could give them, who had given me so much.
posted by tmdonahue at 3:15 PM on June 26, 2020 [1 favorite]
Of the treatment options presented to you, did they discuss newer surgical procedures with you, like placing a subcutaneous ureteral bypass? It's mostly done by board-certified surgeons at large animal hospitals. I'm not suggesting that it's necessarily appropriate for his case, and it can be very expensive, but I think it's better to research all the options and get the chance to rule them out rather than hear about them later.
Assuming his condition can't be treated, I'd shower him with love and all of his favorite things. If he doesn't have one, I'd buy him a heated bed (K&H make different kinds), and I'd make sure he doesn't have to jump to get to his water and food bowls. And when he seems to be often uncomfortable and nauseated, I'd follow the advice that helped me regarding the euthanasia of my own beloved cat which was 'better a week too early than a day too late.' His decline and death will be hard either way, but at least veterinary medicine allows us to spare them unnecessary pain at the end of their lives.
posted by crone islander at 4:59 PM on June 26, 2020 [6 favorites]
Assuming his condition can't be treated, I'd shower him with love and all of his favorite things. If he doesn't have one, I'd buy him a heated bed (K&H make different kinds), and I'd make sure he doesn't have to jump to get to his water and food bowls. And when he seems to be often uncomfortable and nauseated, I'd follow the advice that helped me regarding the euthanasia of my own beloved cat which was 'better a week too early than a day too late.' His decline and death will be hard either way, but at least veterinary medicine allows us to spare them unnecessary pain at the end of their lives.
posted by crone islander at 4:59 PM on June 26, 2020 [6 favorites]
We went through something similar, and the best advice I can give you is ask the vet to refer you to someone who can do euthanasia at home. it is much better for you and the pet. I'm so sorry.
posted by evilmonk at 5:37 PM on June 27, 2020
posted by evilmonk at 5:37 PM on June 27, 2020
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For a young and otherwise healthy cat, I would consider getting a second opinion (if you can afford it).
I have a terminally ill dog "nephew," and...it's extremely hard. We have really tried to focus on the time we do have together and not worry excessively about the future. Once you've taken all the steps you can, the future will come whether you allow it to destroy the present or not. You want them to go confident that they've felt surrounded by love the whole time. But...it's still extremely hard.
posted by praemunire at 1:27 PM on June 26, 2020 [2 favorites]