Rebuilding Friendships Post-Divorce
May 27, 2020 3:43 AM Subscribe
I'd like to reach out to some old friends that stopped communicating due to an alcoholic spouse but I'm not sure how to approach this.
My wife and I decided to end our marriage. It is amicable, no real drama. She is an alcoholic and has been sober for close to a year. Over the years her drinking caused us to lose almost all of our local, mutual friends. Now that we are no longer together I am looking to rebuild my social circle.
We were good friends with a couple that suddenly stopped all communication with us about 1.5 years ago. I am 95% sure it was due to her alcoholism. I am rolling around the idea of reaching out to see if they’d be interested in reconnecting.
Is this a good idea? I don’t want to impose or violate any boundaries but they never explicitly said “don’t contact us again”.
If this isn’t a terrible idea, what would initial communication look like? I would probably reach out via text but I don’t really want the text to be something like “hey the alcoholic is gone so let’s hang out again.”
My wife and I decided to end our marriage. It is amicable, no real drama. She is an alcoholic and has been sober for close to a year. Over the years her drinking caused us to lose almost all of our local, mutual friends. Now that we are no longer together I am looking to rebuild my social circle.
We were good friends with a couple that suddenly stopped all communication with us about 1.5 years ago. I am 95% sure it was due to her alcoholism. I am rolling around the idea of reaching out to see if they’d be interested in reconnecting.
Is this a good idea? I don’t want to impose or violate any boundaries but they never explicitly said “don’t contact us again”.
If this isn’t a terrible idea, what would initial communication look like? I would probably reach out via text but I don’t really want the text to be something like “hey the alcoholic is gone so let’s hang out again.”
.....you thought about them the other day (remembering nice time) and hope they are ok in these odd times. You’ve been busy settling into new life after divorce/separation but would love to catch up some time....
posted by koahiatamadl at 4:21 AM on May 27, 2020 [36 favorites]
posted by koahiatamadl at 4:21 AM on May 27, 2020 [36 favorites]
As someone who's been your friends in this scenario (not quite the same, but I've had several friends whom I've significantly reduced contact with in the past because their then-partner exhibited behaviours that I couldn't really handle who I've since reconnected with when those relationships ended), I would definitely encourage you to do this! I really value the relationships I've regained in this way, and it's not been awkward at all.
Something along the lines of "hope you're well, [generic pandemic boilerplate]; [wife] and I broke up recently and I'm looking to reconnect with old friends, would you like to [suggestion for public-health-compatible appropriate activity that you suspect they'd enjoy] some time?" would work as a script, but I really don't think you need to overthink this.
There's always the risk that some people won't be up for reconnecting, but if you don't try, you've essentially made that decision on their behalf rather than letting them choose whether they'd like to be friendly with you again or not.
posted by terretu at 5:24 AM on May 27, 2020 [9 favorites]
Something along the lines of "hope you're well, [generic pandemic boilerplate]; [wife] and I broke up recently and I'm looking to reconnect with old friends, would you like to [suggestion for public-health-compatible appropriate activity that you suspect they'd enjoy] some time?" would work as a script, but I really don't think you need to overthink this.
There's always the risk that some people won't be up for reconnecting, but if you don't try, you've essentially made that decision on their behalf rather than letting them choose whether they'd like to be friendly with you again or not.
posted by terretu at 5:24 AM on May 27, 2020 [9 favorites]
Go for it. It’s great to re-connect with old friends. Although not all friendships spark back up again, the worse that could happen is that they ignore your request which puts you exactly where you are now. Meaning you have nothing to lose.
Send a message and then stop. If you don’t hear back from them, don’t send a second angry or accusing or guilt-tripping message. I’ve been on the receiving end of that, and I had intended to write back but hadn’t quite figured out how to word it yet. Changed my mind after that second message and did not contact that person again.
posted by Neekee at 5:35 AM on May 27, 2020 [9 favorites]
Send a message and then stop. If you don’t hear back from them, don’t send a second angry or accusing or guilt-tripping message. I’ve been on the receiving end of that, and I had intended to write back but hadn’t quite figured out how to word it yet. Changed my mind after that second message and did not contact that person again.
posted by Neekee at 5:35 AM on May 27, 2020 [9 favorites]
DarlingBri and koahiatamadl’s examples are dead on.
From my experience you won’t have to send out too many messages like this. Once word gets around of your split I think you’ll find people contacting you to offer support and reconnect.
There will be a certain number of people who will feel the need to choose between you or your ex-wife. Don’t take it personally if they choose her, it can just mean they feel she needs more support.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 6:25 AM on May 27, 2020 [4 favorites]
From my experience you won’t have to send out too many messages like this. Once word gets around of your split I think you’ll find people contacting you to offer support and reconnect.
There will be a certain number of people who will feel the need to choose between you or your ex-wife. Don’t take it personally if they choose her, it can just mean they feel she needs more support.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 6:25 AM on May 27, 2020 [4 favorites]
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posted by DarlingBri at 4:16 AM on May 27, 2020 [37 favorites]