Creative/Alternative Solutions for Living Together
April 19, 2020 9:51 AM Subscribe
Looking for ways to move forward a relationship. SO has a kid and the blended family dynamic is not yet at the point of all cohabiting.
I have been with my partner for a year and a bit and am interested in moving the relationship forward, possibly moving in together. Our relationship is solid. My SO has a child from a previous relationship that he has shared custody of. My relationship with the kid has been growing in a positive direction, though slowly (she's 11). I see her a couple of times a week when my so has custody. We all go for bike rides, play board games, have dinner, etc, but I don't think we have a good enough understanding of each other at this point for a shared living situation. Saying this, I am eager to advance the relationship with my SO. Experience has shown me that when people are ready to move forward and don't do so, it can lead to stagnation and/or resentment. We have talked about moving in together (having an our place) while he would retain his current condo for him and his daughter. Essentially, he would alternate on the same schedule as her. Has anyone done this? Or have any other creative solutions? This doesn't have to be tomorrow (won't be flat hunting in the current crisis, obviously), but equally I can't imagine waiting for a year or possibly more until the relationship with his child develops.
I have been with my partner for a year and a bit and am interested in moving the relationship forward, possibly moving in together. Our relationship is solid. My SO has a child from a previous relationship that he has shared custody of. My relationship with the kid has been growing in a positive direction, though slowly (she's 11). I see her a couple of times a week when my so has custody. We all go for bike rides, play board games, have dinner, etc, but I don't think we have a good enough understanding of each other at this point for a shared living situation. Saying this, I am eager to advance the relationship with my SO. Experience has shown me that when people are ready to move forward and don't do so, it can lead to stagnation and/or resentment. We have talked about moving in together (having an our place) while he would retain his current condo for him and his daughter. Essentially, he would alternate on the same schedule as her. Has anyone done this? Or have any other creative solutions? This doesn't have to be tomorrow (won't be flat hunting in the current crisis, obviously), but equally I can't imagine waiting for a year or possibly more until the relationship with his child develops.
If feasible, you could move to a place very close - even in the same building or complex. You'd be within easy visiting distance, could stay over at either place, he would have a familiar home for his daughter, his daughter could get to know you better, you could even plan meals together.
I've known folks who have done this very successfully. It was a really good way to start everyday contact and sharing the more mundane parts of life, instead of having mostly planned out time like dates (so they tell me).
posted by Archipelago at 10:25 AM on April 19, 2020 [5 favorites]
I've known folks who have done this very successfully. It was a really good way to start everyday contact and sharing the more mundane parts of life, instead of having mostly planned out time like dates (so they tell me).
posted by Archipelago at 10:25 AM on April 19, 2020 [5 favorites]
A friend of mine, who has a child, has a partner who also has a child. After it was clear that they were getting serious, they were able to arrange it so that they both had the same week off from parenting duties. The week when neither of them have parenting duties, my friend’s partner lives with her. Otherwise, he lives in his place with his daughter. What you are talking about, basically. If you want to spend more time with your partner, that may be a relatively painless way of trying out cohabitation. It doesn’t involve anyone moving prematurely and should give both of you a real sense of what it’s like to live together.
posted by Bella Donna at 12:32 PM on April 19, 2020
posted by Bella Donna at 12:32 PM on April 19, 2020
I understand your want to move ahead with your partner but, ultimately, there are two things from his end: 1. he and his daughter are a package deal so her pace will also be the relationship's pace, regardless of the living arrangement, and 2. he's a responsible dad who's wisely moving slowly because being cautious and careful is absolutely the right thing to do when blending families. It sounds like things are going great: you and his daughter are getting along and getting to know each other, and he is making your needs and wants a priority, too. I am in a similar situation but very early in the process and feel your pain. I had a long talk with my mom last night about it, and she basically told me what I told you today. Easier said than done, right? I know this isn't a suggestion like you had wanted but here's an affirmation that you all are on the right track. You can't speed up the process, sadly, but it never hurts to hear you're making good progress, however slowly and surely. And it's also OK for you to say to your partner, "Hey, I respect your choices but this isn't working for me so I'm going to move on alone." That's always an option, too, even if it's not ideal.
posted by smorgasbord at 5:00 PM on April 19, 2020 [3 favorites]
posted by smorgasbord at 5:00 PM on April 19, 2020 [3 favorites]
We have talked about moving in together (having an our place) while he would retain his current condo for him and his daughter.
I don't really understand how this is different from what you all are doing now. Do you all spend a lot of time together when he's not with her? This to me sounds like you will move to a new place and he will be there when he's not with his daughter. Is this not an option at your current place? Or is this more about sharing expenses? In this new scenario, would you still be allowed at his condo? Or would this further compartmentalize your relationship from his daughter?
A few other questions: how long has he been divorced? Has he dated anyone else seriously? What does he need to think will happen before you all combine households? Does he want to move the relationship forward, or is he happy with the current situation? Because if you're pushing for this and he's reluctant, tread carefully. Or is that he wants to keep his other place in case you all break up?
11 is an awkward age. It's not going to get less awkward for a long while, and I'd say it would be pretty tough for an adult to get to know a kid this age in many contexts. She's at that complicated pre-teen stage where she's forming her own identity separate from her parents but she still really needs them. If she and dad have a pretty good routine and good relationship, I could see why he might not be eager to disrupt that.
The other thing to consider: moving in together can feel like less of a big step than getting married, but I would say not to move in together unless you're pretty sure you'd going to be with this guy for several years, basically, through her high school. That doesn't have to involve marriage, but when you're a single parent, it's the moving in together that can be the bigger step in the relationship. So I wouldn't rush to move in unless you all are pretty serious and talking very long term. Because living together, with his kid, and then breaking up would be a lot more disruptive to her than if you all weren't living together and broke up. That might be part of why he seems cautious.
A start for this, if he's game, might be for you to spend a bit more time at his place when she's there, including overnights, if you're not doing that already. But if he's not interested in doing that, and he's not truly interested in combining households, then it might be the case that he's not as ready for this next step as you are.
posted by bluedaisy at 11:40 AM on April 20, 2020 [1 favorite]
I don't really understand how this is different from what you all are doing now. Do you all spend a lot of time together when he's not with her? This to me sounds like you will move to a new place and he will be there when he's not with his daughter. Is this not an option at your current place? Or is this more about sharing expenses? In this new scenario, would you still be allowed at his condo? Or would this further compartmentalize your relationship from his daughter?
A few other questions: how long has he been divorced? Has he dated anyone else seriously? What does he need to think will happen before you all combine households? Does he want to move the relationship forward, or is he happy with the current situation? Because if you're pushing for this and he's reluctant, tread carefully. Or is that he wants to keep his other place in case you all break up?
11 is an awkward age. It's not going to get less awkward for a long while, and I'd say it would be pretty tough for an adult to get to know a kid this age in many contexts. She's at that complicated pre-teen stage where she's forming her own identity separate from her parents but she still really needs them. If she and dad have a pretty good routine and good relationship, I could see why he might not be eager to disrupt that.
The other thing to consider: moving in together can feel like less of a big step than getting married, but I would say not to move in together unless you're pretty sure you'd going to be with this guy for several years, basically, through her high school. That doesn't have to involve marriage, but when you're a single parent, it's the moving in together that can be the bigger step in the relationship. So I wouldn't rush to move in unless you all are pretty serious and talking very long term. Because living together, with his kid, and then breaking up would be a lot more disruptive to her than if you all weren't living together and broke up. That might be part of why he seems cautious.
A start for this, if he's game, might be for you to spend a bit more time at his place when she's there, including overnights, if you're not doing that already. But if he's not interested in doing that, and he's not truly interested in combining households, then it might be the case that he's not as ready for this next step as you are.
posted by bluedaisy at 11:40 AM on April 20, 2020 [1 favorite]
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That said, if you want to do it because you actively want to live with him, rather than because you're checking off a box that makes you feel like you're "progressing," maintaining a separate household for his child is one option. The danger of that is that the space will no longer feel like "home" to him, and it could make it feel like his daughter is a separate add-on to his life rather than his major focus. I wouldn't move in together until our entire lives could merge. But if you really want to, I'd consider getting a place you both live in full time and YOU having a separate place to go to give them space for about half the time he's with her.
posted by metasarah at 10:12 AM on April 19, 2020 [5 favorites]