Sadness that my feminist organization switched to helping men
March 7, 2020 10:53 AM Subscribe
I am a woman working in a field dominated by white men. I agreed to help another woman "Jane" create a professional organization to help women and minorities in our field. After I spent time and money, Jane decided to increasingly use the resources and money on white males. When I challenged her, she said this is fine because the organization's success will propel her career and she can be a female role model. A similar situation has happened to me previously. How do I deal with my feelings of disappointment?
Jane is a longtime friend. She has suffered sexism in our field. When she approached me about forming a professional organization to help women and minorities, I volunteered time and money toward this cause.
After some months, Jane is feeling the challenges of running this organization. Many of the members regularly experience discrimination, and Jane feels worn out from helping them.
Meanwhile, there are other professional organizations of white males that are winning awards and opportunities left and right. That is partly because the award judges are often white males themselves, and sometimes the judges are friends with people in the other organizations.
Jane gradually started to include white males into our organization. Our organization gives out money for projects, and she started to disproportionately give the vast majority of project funds to white males. When I found out and challenged her, she said that as long as the projects become successful and win awards and opportunities, it will increase her visibility as the organization's head, and she can serve as a female role model of success. She was defensive and angry.
Many of the white males now receiving our organization's project money are less talented than the women and minorities. They are simply blustering and buddy-buddy with the existing powers-that-be. It is as though Jane decided "If you can't beat them, join them."
The organization's bylaws state that its purpose is to help people who suffer from bias. Jane redefined this to include white males who have suffered anything negative in their life.
I feel really sad. First I experienced anxiety for days. Now I'm going through grief. I feel pained to see the time and money I contributed now going toward the opposite of what I was trying to do.
I experienced a similar situation before. Several years ago, I put in 100+ hours of work to help a feminist project. One tenet of the project was holding corporations accountable if they did certain things that harmed women. After the project attracted an audience, the project leader "Liz" announced that she was turning it into a lucrative conference-circuit speaking gig for herself.
Liz shut down our group feminist project. She also reversed her position on our tenet, saying that her new conference speaking is "inclusive of everyone, no matter where they are on the journey". She began speaking at some of the problematic corporations, helping them whitewash their image and not holding them accountable.
Liz repeatedly messaged our project's members, asking them to share her new speaking gigs. When I challenged her, she got angry and accused me of being an ungrateful friend and trying to sabotage her new success. She said her visibility as a highly-paid speaker is a shining example of female success, so she is still helping the cause of feminism by being a role model and paving the way for other women. She was/is angry at me.
I feel sad after these experiences. I went into them with idealism and a desire to help less-advantaged groups. I feel like a fool who got used by others in their pursuit of money and fame. I could start demanding legally airtight bylaws but I think people could find creative ways to skirt around them if they want.
If you've gone through anything similar, can you share your experiences? How did you get over the feelings of betrayal and disappointment? How did you keep an open and trusting heart?
Jane is a longtime friend. She has suffered sexism in our field. When she approached me about forming a professional organization to help women and minorities, I volunteered time and money toward this cause.
After some months, Jane is feeling the challenges of running this organization. Many of the members regularly experience discrimination, and Jane feels worn out from helping them.
Meanwhile, there are other professional organizations of white males that are winning awards and opportunities left and right. That is partly because the award judges are often white males themselves, and sometimes the judges are friends with people in the other organizations.
Jane gradually started to include white males into our organization. Our organization gives out money for projects, and she started to disproportionately give the vast majority of project funds to white males. When I found out and challenged her, she said that as long as the projects become successful and win awards and opportunities, it will increase her visibility as the organization's head, and she can serve as a female role model of success. She was defensive and angry.
Many of the white males now receiving our organization's project money are less talented than the women and minorities. They are simply blustering and buddy-buddy with the existing powers-that-be. It is as though Jane decided "If you can't beat them, join them."
The organization's bylaws state that its purpose is to help people who suffer from bias. Jane redefined this to include white males who have suffered anything negative in their life.
I feel really sad. First I experienced anxiety for days. Now I'm going through grief. I feel pained to see the time and money I contributed now going toward the opposite of what I was trying to do.
I experienced a similar situation before. Several years ago, I put in 100+ hours of work to help a feminist project. One tenet of the project was holding corporations accountable if they did certain things that harmed women. After the project attracted an audience, the project leader "Liz" announced that she was turning it into a lucrative conference-circuit speaking gig for herself.
Liz shut down our group feminist project. She also reversed her position on our tenet, saying that her new conference speaking is "inclusive of everyone, no matter where they are on the journey". She began speaking at some of the problematic corporations, helping them whitewash their image and not holding them accountable.
Liz repeatedly messaged our project's members, asking them to share her new speaking gigs. When I challenged her, she got angry and accused me of being an ungrateful friend and trying to sabotage her new success. She said her visibility as a highly-paid speaker is a shining example of female success, so she is still helping the cause of feminism by being a role model and paving the way for other women. She was/is angry at me.
I feel sad after these experiences. I went into them with idealism and a desire to help less-advantaged groups. I feel like a fool who got used by others in their pursuit of money and fame. I could start demanding legally airtight bylaws but I think people could find creative ways to skirt around them if they want.
If you've gone through anything similar, can you share your experiences? How did you get over the feelings of betrayal and disappointment? How did you keep an open and trusting heart?
Response by poster: Btw, I am not white.
Jane and Liz are white. They both have an intersectional trait other than gender.
Primalux, I will consider what you said about finding women of color.
posted by cheesecake at 1:19 PM on March 7, 2020 [3 favorites]
Jane and Liz are white. They both have an intersectional trait other than gender.
Primalux, I will consider what you said about finding women of color.
posted by cheesecake at 1:19 PM on March 7, 2020 [3 favorites]
Well, if you wanted to fight fire with fire...start your own organisation (again) with your original feminist ideals. I’m assuming women from Jane’s organisation are aware of what’s going on. Get them to move across to yours. Live your ethos. I’m sure people know about Jane’s career climbing ways. And once there’s a viable alternative she’ll have very few members who aren’t white males and it’ll look like exactly what it is, her betraying the sisterhood to get ahead.
To be clear, I’m not saying backstab her, I’m just saying have your own organisation that lives up to its original intention and women will automatically want to join because if it’s clear to you that Jane’s group is self serving and caters to men who can help Jane, it’ll be clear to everyone else. Men don’t need a club to give them project funding and opportunities to help them get ahead - they already have one, it’s called the workplace. And if it wasn’t clear, fuck Jane. As the saying goes, there’s a special place in hell for women who don’t support other women.
posted by Jubey at 1:48 PM on March 7, 2020 [16 favorites]
To be clear, I’m not saying backstab her, I’m just saying have your own organisation that lives up to its original intention and women will automatically want to join because if it’s clear to you that Jane’s group is self serving and caters to men who can help Jane, it’ll be clear to everyone else. Men don’t need a club to give them project funding and opportunities to help them get ahead - they already have one, it’s called the workplace. And if it wasn’t clear, fuck Jane. As the saying goes, there’s a special place in hell for women who don’t support other women.
posted by Jubey at 1:48 PM on March 7, 2020 [16 favorites]
oh i would backstab the living fuck out of jane. i would make sure that everyone who ever considered her for an award or an opportunity knew exactly what she said about how helping men was more important than helping women bc it would make her look good. i would like, put up flyers with an unflattering photo of her on them.
posted by poffin boffin at 2:28 PM on March 7, 2020 [23 favorites]
posted by poffin boffin at 2:28 PM on March 7, 2020 [23 favorites]
Maybe what's happened is that you've twice become involved in organizations where their founder has completely and unambiguously sold out. But also - maybe what's happened is that you became involved in organizations without fully and completely hashing out where exactly the organizations and founders stood on various things, and are now feeling hurt because it turns out their founders had (legitimate, let's say) disagreements with things you assumed you had agreed on.
I think the best recommendation here is probably to focus your future activism efforts inside well-established organizations with a clear long-standing track record that you are comfortable with.
posted by kickingtheground at 4:09 PM on March 7, 2020 [7 favorites]
I think the best recommendation here is probably to focus your future activism efforts inside well-established organizations with a clear long-standing track record that you are comfortable with.
posted by kickingtheground at 4:09 PM on March 7, 2020 [7 favorites]
They are selling out principles for money & comfort. Cut ties and depending on your circumstances, if you can oppose them or speak truthfully about their selling out with the possible backlash on you, do so.
This is a fairly common experience in social causes. The lure of compromise is very strong. You can make a nice living and still get social validation. But end of day, they have to live with being hypocritical and destructive. Either they suffer or they seem to numb their consciences. Neither are good ways to live.
I’m sorry you lost what sounds like a significant professional friendship. Mourn it and be ok with rational anger over their actions and deceit.
posted by dorothyisunderwood at 5:32 PM on March 7, 2020
This is a fairly common experience in social causes. The lure of compromise is very strong. You can make a nice living and still get social validation. But end of day, they have to live with being hypocritical and destructive. Either they suffer or they seem to numb their consciences. Neither are good ways to live.
I’m sorry you lost what sounds like a significant professional friendship. Mourn it and be ok with rational anger over their actions and deceit.
posted by dorothyisunderwood at 5:32 PM on March 7, 2020
Best answer: It’s basically always a good idea to look around before starting a new social-justice-y org to see what’s already in your area. Unless you’ve revolutionized something in a very startling way, there’s almost certainly someone out there already working on what you’re planning. It’s usually worth at least starting out by supporting what’s already going on and learning the lay of the land locally. Maybe you’ll still decide you can fill a niche that is underserved; if so, your work in doing so will still be better for the six months or two years you spent working with existing activists and professionals.
My experience in my local area is that the people who are really resistant to doing this when it’s suggested tend to be the people who are in it more for their egos or the connections they personally can make, than the actual mission. It’s worth looking at as a red flag for future new partners.
Beyond that, yes, it’s a good idea to get some kind of mission statements, codes of conduct, etc. down early and to be prepared to bring those up when the mission starts to drift. And it can be a great idea to early on build in some kind of board, advisory committee, etc. so you aren’t ever in the position of being the lone voice saying “but this isn’t what we do!”
All of that aside, though, you are very understandably hurt and disappointed and I’m sorry this played out this way for you. You asked for others’ experiences so: I experienced something similar, in the context of a disability support organization. It was at the point that we started building a code of conduct and rotating leadership that it all cracked up pretty spectacularly. It sucked. I learned some things about how I’d tackle this sort of thing in the future. I was disappointed and lost some support that had been important in my life.
Ultimately, a few years later, it’s mostly lost the sting and it’s just a story I sometimes tell with eye rolling about why codes of conduct and mission planning are good and letting any one person become The Voice of your organization in perpetuity is bad.
Time will heal some of this. Be kind to yourself, acknowledge your good intentions, and move on.
posted by Stacey at 5:38 PM on March 7, 2020 [11 favorites]
My experience in my local area is that the people who are really resistant to doing this when it’s suggested tend to be the people who are in it more for their egos or the connections they personally can make, than the actual mission. It’s worth looking at as a red flag for future new partners.
Beyond that, yes, it’s a good idea to get some kind of mission statements, codes of conduct, etc. down early and to be prepared to bring those up when the mission starts to drift. And it can be a great idea to early on build in some kind of board, advisory committee, etc. so you aren’t ever in the position of being the lone voice saying “but this isn’t what we do!”
All of that aside, though, you are very understandably hurt and disappointed and I’m sorry this played out this way for you. You asked for others’ experiences so: I experienced something similar, in the context of a disability support organization. It was at the point that we started building a code of conduct and rotating leadership that it all cracked up pretty spectacularly. It sucked. I learned some things about how I’d tackle this sort of thing in the future. I was disappointed and lost some support that had been important in my life.
Ultimately, a few years later, it’s mostly lost the sting and it’s just a story I sometimes tell with eye rolling about why codes of conduct and mission planning are good and letting any one person become The Voice of your organization in perpetuity is bad.
Time will heal some of this. Be kind to yourself, acknowledge your good intentions, and move on.
posted by Stacey at 5:38 PM on March 7, 2020 [11 favorites]
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It's probably cold comfort, and there's no way of telling how you'll resolve the issue for yourself, but the experience you're having seems to be a very common milestone in people's lives.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 12:35 PM on March 7, 2020 [6 favorites]