Yes, I'm looking for a new job.
February 9, 2020 11:46 PM Subscribe
My workplace is feeling really toxic and I feel like I'm in over my head here. Help?
Okay, first off: Yes, I'm looking for a new job. I understand that I probably can't change this situation. (Also... I do have a pretty padded emergency fund if things really go south.)
Now that that's out of the way:
I work at a small organization with only a handful of employees, most of whom were added within the last two years. The second in command manages three youngish female staff, including myself. He was always difficult to work with (moody, belittling, thrives on creating crises), but it feels like something has really gone off the rails in the past few months and I'm realizing how toxic this has become.
For a long time, he had preferential treatment for me-- this has become less true than it was, but I would say overall he is still more civil to me and careful with how he treats me. However, I could see how poorly he was treating my colleagues and I feel ashamed that I didn't catch on sooner to how bad it really was, though I don't think there's ever anything I could have done about it that I wasn't already doing-- one of my coworkers recently confided in me that whenever I stuck up for her he got mad at her for it.
Anyway, he's always been abrasive and dismissive, but at this point he has clearly decided that all of his staff are against him, and it is coming out in some ugly ways over the past three or four months:
-Trying to pit us against each other by talking about other people's performance in individual check ins; insinuating to all of us that some of us won't be there much longer so we should be careful who we ally ourselves with.
-Inappropriate and/or micro-aggressive things said to a coworker of color, and to another coworker about her personal life and the fact that she has kids. This is sometimes in front of me/other staff and sometimes behind closed doors.
-Telling coworkers to take fewer notes when he talks and not wanting them to follow up on meetings with email notes. He has not said this to me, but I am typically not a big note-taker.
-Blaming the whole team for his mistakes, convinced that we're grouping together to try to make him look bad. Again, I feel like he does this less with me, although he does do it somewhat.
-Attempting to minimize the amount that we're involved in each other's projects, which is affecting performance because we're increasingly siloed within a body of work that should be interconnected.
What I'm doing right now:
-Our team is supporting each other by giving space to vent (perhaps too much though? Perspective needed on constructive ways to do this and pitfalls), encouraging each other to take walks and breaks, trying to keep the office atmosphere light and collegial, bringing in treats, etc. I'm taking care of myself outside of work and making sure to keep up on my interests/hobbies.
-I'm trying not to get drawn into the toxicity of the situation... but I really think I'm failing on that front. I know that a lot of what I have talked about is coming from my coworkers second hand, but it does line up with what I have seen him do and say myself.
-I'm trying to avoid and emotionally disengage from my boss while I'm at work... this has been a work in progress.
-I'm thinking about documentation for myself and to recommend to others-- perhaps emails from/to personal accounts so they are time stamped? Any ideas?
I'm asking this question because I have the sense that things are escalating and I want some perspective on the situation, how I personally could be protecting myself, and any thoughts on ideas to stay healthy and sane and support other folks.
*A quick note: our HR is an external, subcontracted entity, so if it came down to it I don't think going to them would be fruitful. I don't believe the director has the power to do anything and I'm not sure if she has the will to, either. I think the only way that this manager's behavior would be addressed is if the org board did so. I think it would be challenging to get them to do so, but I want to have that option in my back pocket if things continue to escalate, hence the documentation.
Okay, first off: Yes, I'm looking for a new job. I understand that I probably can't change this situation. (Also... I do have a pretty padded emergency fund if things really go south.)
Now that that's out of the way:
I work at a small organization with only a handful of employees, most of whom were added within the last two years. The second in command manages three youngish female staff, including myself. He was always difficult to work with (moody, belittling, thrives on creating crises), but it feels like something has really gone off the rails in the past few months and I'm realizing how toxic this has become.
For a long time, he had preferential treatment for me-- this has become less true than it was, but I would say overall he is still more civil to me and careful with how he treats me. However, I could see how poorly he was treating my colleagues and I feel ashamed that I didn't catch on sooner to how bad it really was, though I don't think there's ever anything I could have done about it that I wasn't already doing-- one of my coworkers recently confided in me that whenever I stuck up for her he got mad at her for it.
Anyway, he's always been abrasive and dismissive, but at this point he has clearly decided that all of his staff are against him, and it is coming out in some ugly ways over the past three or four months:
-Trying to pit us against each other by talking about other people's performance in individual check ins; insinuating to all of us that some of us won't be there much longer so we should be careful who we ally ourselves with.
-Inappropriate and/or micro-aggressive things said to a coworker of color, and to another coworker about her personal life and the fact that she has kids. This is sometimes in front of me/other staff and sometimes behind closed doors.
-Telling coworkers to take fewer notes when he talks and not wanting them to follow up on meetings with email notes. He has not said this to me, but I am typically not a big note-taker.
-Blaming the whole team for his mistakes, convinced that we're grouping together to try to make him look bad. Again, I feel like he does this less with me, although he does do it somewhat.
-Attempting to minimize the amount that we're involved in each other's projects, which is affecting performance because we're increasingly siloed within a body of work that should be interconnected.
What I'm doing right now:
-Our team is supporting each other by giving space to vent (perhaps too much though? Perspective needed on constructive ways to do this and pitfalls), encouraging each other to take walks and breaks, trying to keep the office atmosphere light and collegial, bringing in treats, etc. I'm taking care of myself outside of work and making sure to keep up on my interests/hobbies.
-I'm trying not to get drawn into the toxicity of the situation... but I really think I'm failing on that front. I know that a lot of what I have talked about is coming from my coworkers second hand, but it does line up with what I have seen him do and say myself.
-I'm trying to avoid and emotionally disengage from my boss while I'm at work... this has been a work in progress.
-I'm thinking about documentation for myself and to recommend to others-- perhaps emails from/to personal accounts so they are time stamped? Any ideas?
I'm asking this question because I have the sense that things are escalating and I want some perspective on the situation, how I personally could be protecting myself, and any thoughts on ideas to stay healthy and sane and support other folks.
*A quick note: our HR is an external, subcontracted entity, so if it came down to it I don't think going to them would be fruitful. I don't believe the director has the power to do anything and I'm not sure if she has the will to, either. I think the only way that this manager's behavior would be addressed is if the org board did so. I think it would be challenging to get them to do so, but I want to have that option in my back pocket if things continue to escalate, hence the documentation.
If your job is toxic, you have an emergency fund and you are looking for a new job, then you have 3 options:
1. Stay with your current job to see if things get better.
2. Stay with your current job while spending as much of your energy as possible searching for a new one; resign when you find one.
3. Resign now and concentrate all your energy on finding something new.
If you really are looking for a new job then it sounds like you have already moved beyond option 1 in your head; good - toxic manager are often much more attractive to those higher in the org. chart than they are to those lower down - so they can stay around for a while. Option 2 is sensible in many ways - but only if you are able to detach yourself from the current toxic environment to a sufficient extent to be able to search elsewhere. If your emergency funds are up to it, then I would go for option #3: it lets you have breathing space to rid your head of all the toxic details form your current workplace, it gives you maximum time to consider opportunities and pursue them. At the moment, your head is filled with a million details about your current office politics - from the distance of a year or two in the future that will become irrelevant: you will be able to tell yourself and others that you "left to seek new challenges" - that may be a cliche but it is also all the truth that you need once you have the perspective of some distance.
posted by rongorongo at 1:18 AM on February 10, 2020 [1 favorite]
1. Stay with your current job to see if things get better.
2. Stay with your current job while spending as much of your energy as possible searching for a new one; resign when you find one.
3. Resign now and concentrate all your energy on finding something new.
If you really are looking for a new job then it sounds like you have already moved beyond option 1 in your head; good - toxic manager are often much more attractive to those higher in the org. chart than they are to those lower down - so they can stay around for a while. Option 2 is sensible in many ways - but only if you are able to detach yourself from the current toxic environment to a sufficient extent to be able to search elsewhere. If your emergency funds are up to it, then I would go for option #3: it lets you have breathing space to rid your head of all the toxic details form your current workplace, it gives you maximum time to consider opportunities and pursue them. At the moment, your head is filled with a million details about your current office politics - from the distance of a year or two in the future that will become irrelevant: you will be able to tell yourself and others that you "left to seek new challenges" - that may be a cliche but it is also all the truth that you need once you have the perspective of some distance.
posted by rongorongo at 1:18 AM on February 10, 2020 [1 favorite]
A lot of it sounds like plain dickishness and any are a good reason to jump ship, but "convinced that we're grouping together to try to make him look bad" is over the line where I'd think saying something was warranted. There's no real reason except to call out someone who needs calling out, though. Try to push back on his bullshit, though. "Did I do something to anger you?"
posted by rhizome at 1:55 AM on February 10, 2020
posted by rhizome at 1:55 AM on February 10, 2020
Absolutely document any inappropriate behaviour, any requests not to take notes or follow up on meetings and any requests to isolate workflows or you from your peers, especially if they reduce quality and efficiency. You want to be able to point to a clear trail of being required to do things in a certain way (that make no sense). It is only a matter of time before this mismanagement becomes a problem in terms of meeting funding requirements/external objectives and at that point he’ll be blaming the three of you.
posted by koahiatamadl at 2:06 AM on February 10, 2020 [6 favorites]
posted by koahiatamadl at 2:06 AM on February 10, 2020 [6 favorites]
It does sound toxic, but I don't think you are in over your head! You are dealing with this awful manager in what sounds like the best way.
Your question identifies four steps you are taking: keep making plans to move on, document his toxicity, emotionally separate from work, and be willing to leave on a dime if it escalates beyond your capacity to deal.
posted by RajahKing at 6:28 AM on February 10, 2020 [2 favorites]
Your question identifies four steps you are taking: keep making plans to move on, document his toxicity, emotionally separate from work, and be willing to leave on a dime if it escalates beyond your capacity to deal.
posted by RajahKing at 6:28 AM on February 10, 2020 [2 favorites]
Regarding any documentation that you do - DO NOT do any emailing from/to personal accounts from your work computer. If this guy is really paranoid he's already monitoring everything you guys are doing on your work machines. It's a good idea to send time stamped emails from your own personal account (simply sending them to yourself should work) but do it from your phone or from your home computer after work.
Myself, I would at this point spend maybe two to three weeks super-aggressively applying to other jobs in my spare time and seeing what kind of response I get. Maybe something will come up right away. If not, then I would check in with myself and figure out if the extra emotional drain of applying for these jobs on top of being at my toxic work is feeling like it's too much. If I feel OK, keep it up, and concentrate on just getting enough done at the current workplace to keep pulling down that paycheck while job hunting. If it's too much, quit and keep job hunting.
Look at it this way. This guy is obviously going to block any further professional development you might get within this company. It's an investment in yourself to bail now before he causes you to start to stagnate in your career. Use your nest egg if you need it. This situation is what it is for.
posted by DSime at 7:15 AM on February 10, 2020 [1 favorite]
Myself, I would at this point spend maybe two to three weeks super-aggressively applying to other jobs in my spare time and seeing what kind of response I get. Maybe something will come up right away. If not, then I would check in with myself and figure out if the extra emotional drain of applying for these jobs on top of being at my toxic work is feeling like it's too much. If I feel OK, keep it up, and concentrate on just getting enough done at the current workplace to keep pulling down that paycheck while job hunting. If it's too much, quit and keep job hunting.
Look at it this way. This guy is obviously going to block any further professional development you might get within this company. It's an investment in yourself to bail now before he causes you to start to stagnate in your career. Use your nest egg if you need it. This situation is what it is for.
posted by DSime at 7:15 AM on February 10, 2020 [1 favorite]
It doesn't sound like you've actually spoken to him, though, right?
As in 'hey, boss, can we talk?'
I always like to take a step back from things and try to see what you're not telling us. The boss is an older male, with fairly young, less experienced staff, where you would likely be the more experienced, but not so much as him?
He could be uncomfortable forging any kind of 'friendly' relationship for any number of reasons, but also not see what his style is doing morale-wise.
No one likes conflict. No one likes bringing up things that might lead to conflict. But if you're on your way out, you may want to throw a chance at change. Especially if otherwise, you like the work and the job. And even if you go, you might leave things better than they are.
"Hey, look, I've worked for you for x years, and it just seems lately that the team isn't all working together, and more to the point, you're trying to get something done, but the team isn't on the same page. So it's making you upset and unhappy with the team, and the team not working well with each other."
It could be he has a plan and he just sees everyone fighting against him, and it just continues to escalate, and he's totally dreading going into work each day having to deal with people who don't like him for no good reason (from his perspective, of course).
posted by rich at 7:44 AM on February 10, 2020 [2 favorites]
As in 'hey, boss, can we talk?'
I always like to take a step back from things and try to see what you're not telling us. The boss is an older male, with fairly young, less experienced staff, where you would likely be the more experienced, but not so much as him?
He could be uncomfortable forging any kind of 'friendly' relationship for any number of reasons, but also not see what his style is doing morale-wise.
No one likes conflict. No one likes bringing up things that might lead to conflict. But if you're on your way out, you may want to throw a chance at change. Especially if otherwise, you like the work and the job. And even if you go, you might leave things better than they are.
"Hey, look, I've worked for you for x years, and it just seems lately that the team isn't all working together, and more to the point, you're trying to get something done, but the team isn't on the same page. So it's making you upset and unhappy with the team, and the team not working well with each other."
It could be he has a plan and he just sees everyone fighting against him, and it just continues to escalate, and he's totally dreading going into work each day having to deal with people who don't like him for no good reason (from his perspective, of course).
posted by rich at 7:44 AM on February 10, 2020 [2 favorites]
It could be good to document the accomplishments and also to document fully what losing looks like in terms of your present work. Being able to tell the difference from a point of credibility is a major opportunity for future success because it will let you know when to raise a red flag very early next time.
It is hard to gauge how honest any organisation will be about the toxicity of its work environment, especially non-profits, during the interview stage. However, there are a lot of good questions you could ask that will help you identify whether the management you will be working with is actually capable of being human. I like to do a test by taking someone to a restaurant and telling the server (in advance) to send out the wrong meal. Their reaction will tell me almost everything I need to know. The second option is to seek an informational interview in person at their office and use the opportunity to observe the space. Ask to see the offices where the job is based. You can learn so much from that to make a decision really quickly.
If that's not possible, here are some worthwhile questions that Bob Burg uses in his Go Giver series:
How did you get your start in the widget business?”
“What do you enjoy most about your profession?”
“What separates you and your company from the competition?”
“What advice would you give someone just starting in the widget business?”
“What one thing would you do with your business if you knew you could not fail?”
“What significant changes have you seen take place in your profession through the years?”
“What do you see as the coming trends in the widget business?”
“Describe the strangest or funniest incident you’ve experienced in your business?”
“What ways have you found to be the most effective for promoting your business?”
“What one sentence would you like people to use in describing the way you do business?”
Hope this helps.
posted by parmanparman at 12:08 PM on February 10, 2020 [3 favorites]
It is hard to gauge how honest any organisation will be about the toxicity of its work environment, especially non-profits, during the interview stage. However, there are a lot of good questions you could ask that will help you identify whether the management you will be working with is actually capable of being human. I like to do a test by taking someone to a restaurant and telling the server (in advance) to send out the wrong meal. Their reaction will tell me almost everything I need to know. The second option is to seek an informational interview in person at their office and use the opportunity to observe the space. Ask to see the offices where the job is based. You can learn so much from that to make a decision really quickly.
If that's not possible, here are some worthwhile questions that Bob Burg uses in his Go Giver series:
How did you get your start in the widget business?”
“What do you enjoy most about your profession?”
“What separates you and your company from the competition?”
“What advice would you give someone just starting in the widget business?”
“What one thing would you do with your business if you knew you could not fail?”
“What significant changes have you seen take place in your profession through the years?”
“What do you see as the coming trends in the widget business?”
“Describe the strangest or funniest incident you’ve experienced in your business?”
“What ways have you found to be the most effective for promoting your business?”
“What one sentence would you like people to use in describing the way you do business?”
Hope this helps.
posted by parmanparman at 12:08 PM on February 10, 2020 [3 favorites]
You sound intelligent and appear to be handling a difficult situation well so far. You already know it's bad and you're taking active steps to make a better future for yourself, so you're already doing the most important thing. Your supervisor's behavior sounds controlling and abusive and I'm glad you're working to get out of there and not wasting your time trying to change his behavior.
Isolating an individual (limiting collaboration and who they talk to) and undermining a person's value or otherwise trying to highlight a weakness or create a dependency (insinuating some employees may not have a future at the company) is classic abusive behavior. I had a supervisor who exhibited similar behavior. He was frequently terrible to others even if I was often spared. It didn't reduce the toxicity in the workplace and I'm still healing from the experience. It was a nightmare for anyone who cares about competence at work and has empathy for others.
The director being unwilling (or "unable") to correct this situation is a really bad sign, too. Workplaces need to be able to remove or otherwise address problem employees who are negatively impacting the ability of the organization to carry out its mission. Otherwise, all the competent employees will leave for greener pastures and the org will be left with incompetent, hostile employees to do the org's work. Imagine what that future looks like. But, fixing that is not your job. Your job is to get out. It is the director and the board's job to fix bad management.
In these situations, I like to recommend Gaslighting: Recognize Manipulative and Emotionally Abusive People--and Break Free. It provided needed perspective on the toxicity of my situation and how to best deal with it until I could get out.
Having a decent emergency fund may help with your mental framing. Knowing that you don't need the job and can leave anytime you choose can help to lessen the emotional toll. It won't change everything, but it can make it feel less bad from time to time. It helped me feel bolder in resisting the toxicity and standing up for others who were being abused and had less power to protect themselves. You will want to be extra careful about taking direct action, however. You want to make sure you're staying safe and out of harm's way rather than attracting the direct negative attention of a bully or abuser. If it seems appropriate and safe, see if you can speak up in a way that keeps you and your colleagues safe.
We all need allies at work, especially in the situation you described, and that may be the most you can do. Continue being supportive of your teammates, but most importantly get out and help them get out, too.
posted by anonymous donut at 3:12 PM on February 13, 2020
Isolating an individual (limiting collaboration and who they talk to) and undermining a person's value or otherwise trying to highlight a weakness or create a dependency (insinuating some employees may not have a future at the company) is classic abusive behavior. I had a supervisor who exhibited similar behavior. He was frequently terrible to others even if I was often spared. It didn't reduce the toxicity in the workplace and I'm still healing from the experience. It was a nightmare for anyone who cares about competence at work and has empathy for others.
The director being unwilling (or "unable") to correct this situation is a really bad sign, too. Workplaces need to be able to remove or otherwise address problem employees who are negatively impacting the ability of the organization to carry out its mission. Otherwise, all the competent employees will leave for greener pastures and the org will be left with incompetent, hostile employees to do the org's work. Imagine what that future looks like. But, fixing that is not your job. Your job is to get out. It is the director and the board's job to fix bad management.
In these situations, I like to recommend Gaslighting: Recognize Manipulative and Emotionally Abusive People--and Break Free. It provided needed perspective on the toxicity of my situation and how to best deal with it until I could get out.
Having a decent emergency fund may help with your mental framing. Knowing that you don't need the job and can leave anytime you choose can help to lessen the emotional toll. It won't change everything, but it can make it feel less bad from time to time. It helped me feel bolder in resisting the toxicity and standing up for others who were being abused and had less power to protect themselves. You will want to be extra careful about taking direct action, however. You want to make sure you're staying safe and out of harm's way rather than attracting the direct negative attention of a bully or abuser. If it seems appropriate and safe, see if you can speak up in a way that keeps you and your colleagues safe.
We all need allies at work, especially in the situation you described, and that may be the most you can do. Continue being supportive of your teammates, but most importantly get out and help them get out, too.
posted by anonymous donut at 3:12 PM on February 13, 2020
« Older Catalina broke my Adobe stuff into 32 bits, now... | Were the Brown Twins in Tales of the City? Newer »
This thread is closed to new comments.
All 3 of 3 of your "first off" comments are really positive.
If your direct supervisor is toxic and none of the board members/directors in the organisation are competent enough managers to identify and fix this, or care enough to get involved, trying to change things from the ground up doesn't sound like a very fruitful use of your time and energy.
Put the bulk of your attention and energy into your job search and hobbies, try to allocate less attention and energy to your current sick-system of workplace. When you've moved on to a new job, after having a bit of time to let your thinking patterns reset, hopefully it will seem rather strange to have given so much attention to understanding toxic old workplace's problems. A lot easier said that done, granted!
posted by are-coral-made at 12:56 AM on February 10, 2020