How can I keep my integrity as my bitter father loses his mind?
January 23, 2020 7:37 AM Subscribe
Over the last few years my estranged father, late 60s, has been subject to increasingly irrational thinking. He imagines a family conspiracy against himself and his grandkids (characterized further within). It's coming to seem that in order to protect ourselves from him my siblings and I may need to turn him into a social outcast. But he's our dad!
The imagined family conspiracy is about incest among his adult children (men and women), including pedophilia and ongoing willful protection of pedophilia.
My dad suffered physical and emotional abuse by his parents throughout his childhood and very likely sexual abuse by the Catholic church. He has an undiagnosed personality disorder, cluster B. He was a difficult, abusive alcoholic in his early adulthood but quit drinking completely until near his retirement several years ago when he began to drink socially. We believe he often drinks to excess now, though he hides it well.
He's a friendly, charming person. But he also often misunderstands social situations, has no capacity to self-reflect or change his mind, and cannot discharge his grievances or resentments. He cannot learn from constructive criticism. He does not understand other people's feelings and he sees his own feelings as inarguable truths. He doesn't even seem to be able to hold in his mind the concept that there is a distinction between his subjective feelings and the objective facts of reality. For him, therapy is completely out of the question and how DARE you.
He's a very hard-working person and he provided well for his kids. He's become estranged by all of them. He can't conceive how this could have happened, even when it's explained to him in simple, soft, careful sentences. Whence, we believe, this conspiracy: the estrangement is not because he's an asshole, it's because we are all pedophiles, traumatized by our own sexual abuse (mostly but not entirely his invention), and in trembling fear of his righteous nature. Well. We're not pedophiles, but we do most certainly fear where this is going.
The charge itself is the type of slander that doesn't even need to be plausible in order for it to affect other people's views. (I know this because I can run the thought experiment on myself and that's how it works for me, to my chagrin.) Already his actions here have hastened the dissolution of the marriage of one of my siblings. The only thing holding him back from a public airing is his own narcissism; his children are a reflection of him. But as his isolation and alcohol abuse worsen, so does his anger and recklessness.
The only mitigation would seem to be to preemptively discredit him. To go to the extended family and our mutual acquaintances and warn them that he is aggressively losing his grasp on reality. Though that fact is true, this would be such a vicious action. It would be emotionally draining for me. And he's not a danger to these other people. It would further isolate him, and it's exactly the scheme his wounded, disordered mind believes has been happening behind his back his entire life.
He truly believes his conspiracy - it's not a ploy to punish his unruly adult kids, or at least it isn't strictly that. He is trying to protect his grandkids (who, of course, he can no longer visit). His life has been a prolonged tragedy full of pain and confusion. I have felt very sad for him ever since I learned how to know him. This compassion being balanced currently with the understanding that he wishes to do me and my family real harm.
Is there an option B here? After writing this out I am leaning toward doing nothing - watchful waiting. Yet I'm aware there is a tumor growing.
The imagined family conspiracy is about incest among his adult children (men and women), including pedophilia and ongoing willful protection of pedophilia.
My dad suffered physical and emotional abuse by his parents throughout his childhood and very likely sexual abuse by the Catholic church. He has an undiagnosed personality disorder, cluster B. He was a difficult, abusive alcoholic in his early adulthood but quit drinking completely until near his retirement several years ago when he began to drink socially. We believe he often drinks to excess now, though he hides it well.
He's a friendly, charming person. But he also often misunderstands social situations, has no capacity to self-reflect or change his mind, and cannot discharge his grievances or resentments. He cannot learn from constructive criticism. He does not understand other people's feelings and he sees his own feelings as inarguable truths. He doesn't even seem to be able to hold in his mind the concept that there is a distinction between his subjective feelings and the objective facts of reality. For him, therapy is completely out of the question and how DARE you.
He's a very hard-working person and he provided well for his kids. He's become estranged by all of them. He can't conceive how this could have happened, even when it's explained to him in simple, soft, careful sentences. Whence, we believe, this conspiracy: the estrangement is not because he's an asshole, it's because we are all pedophiles, traumatized by our own sexual abuse (mostly but not entirely his invention), and in trembling fear of his righteous nature. Well. We're not pedophiles, but we do most certainly fear where this is going.
The charge itself is the type of slander that doesn't even need to be plausible in order for it to affect other people's views. (I know this because I can run the thought experiment on myself and that's how it works for me, to my chagrin.) Already his actions here have hastened the dissolution of the marriage of one of my siblings. The only thing holding him back from a public airing is his own narcissism; his children are a reflection of him. But as his isolation and alcohol abuse worsen, so does his anger and recklessness.
The only mitigation would seem to be to preemptively discredit him. To go to the extended family and our mutual acquaintances and warn them that he is aggressively losing his grasp on reality. Though that fact is true, this would be such a vicious action. It would be emotionally draining for me. And he's not a danger to these other people. It would further isolate him, and it's exactly the scheme his wounded, disordered mind believes has been happening behind his back his entire life.
He truly believes his conspiracy - it's not a ploy to punish his unruly adult kids, or at least it isn't strictly that. He is trying to protect his grandkids (who, of course, he can no longer visit). His life has been a prolonged tragedy full of pain and confusion. I have felt very sad for him ever since I learned how to know him. This compassion being balanced currently with the understanding that he wishes to do me and my family real harm.
Is there an option B here? After writing this out I am leaning toward doing nothing - watchful waiting. Yet I'm aware there is a tumor growing.
Document everything.
Therapists not for him, but for you, isn't just about "dealing with it" internally--the right ones may be able to help direct and guide you and affected family to resources to help the overall goal of protecting yourself and themselves, and provide tools and approaches at a better place between wait and worry, and scorched earth.
posted by Drastic at 8:06 AM on January 23, 2020 [3 favorites]
Therapists not for him, but for you, isn't just about "dealing with it" internally--the right ones may be able to help direct and guide you and affected family to resources to help the overall goal of protecting yourself and themselves, and provide tools and approaches at a better place between wait and worry, and scorched earth.
posted by Drastic at 8:06 AM on January 23, 2020 [3 favorites]
If an older person who exhibited some of the obvious traits in your description (like drinking) came to me and told me his adult children were all involved in incest and pedophilia with each other, my gut reaction would be that he was imagining things and needed some help. I would think that was especially true for people who know both you/your siblings and your dad. I would probably reach out to someone in your generation of the family to warn you about this, and if you wrote back saying “he’s struggling with mental problems and alcoholism” I would think (a) that explains that, and (b) how sorry I was for your entire family.
The last thing I would think is “wow they are involved in an incest pedophile ring!”
I would wait and do nothing in terms of warning family and acquaintances about what he might say. But I would definitely keep working to try and get him some help where possible.
posted by sallybrown at 8:07 AM on January 23, 2020 [18 favorites]
The last thing I would think is “wow they are involved in an incest pedophile ring!”
I would wait and do nothing in terms of warning family and acquaintances about what he might say. But I would definitely keep working to try and get him some help where possible.
posted by sallybrown at 8:07 AM on January 23, 2020 [18 favorites]
You're never too old to start treatment for the post traumatic effects of domestic and sexual abuse. You can make a third-party referral to a social worker or you can even get support yourself. RAINN has an online chat that can give you resources where you live. Your dad may be happy to get access to free resources.
Incidentally, the majority of rape, sexual abuse and sexual exploitation is by family, friends and acquaintances. Your father's conspiracies are based on experiences he has had, and you should prepare to not judge him for his actions or experiences.
Perhaps if all your siblings refer and refer again to a common free resource, and also use it, you can let your dad know he does not need to panic. Telling him he can heal and you want to support his healing and your own will be very powerful.
posted by parmanparman at 8:19 AM on January 23, 2020 [1 favorite]
Incidentally, the majority of rape, sexual abuse and sexual exploitation is by family, friends and acquaintances. Your father's conspiracies are based on experiences he has had, and you should prepare to not judge him for his actions or experiences.
Perhaps if all your siblings refer and refer again to a common free resource, and also use it, you can let your dad know he does not need to panic. Telling him he can heal and you want to support his healing and your own will be very powerful.
posted by parmanparman at 8:19 AM on January 23, 2020 [1 favorite]
If an older person came to me and made the accusations OP mentions, I would have a duty under the law to report it to an agency who could make an investigation. The worst thing anyone can do about rape and sexual abuse/exploitation/harassment is ignore it and hope it goes away.
When people ignore it or pretend it's not happening, perpetrators only become more powerful and convincing. Victims begin to normalise their abuse and are less likely to speak up and call out abuse because they know no adults is willing to listen. OP's father is a walking case study of what happens when society turns its back on a victim and then tells a man to "grow up and stop moping".
Personality disorders are often a consequence of coping mechanisms for abuse. IANAD/IANYD
posted by parmanparman at 8:35 AM on January 23, 2020 [10 favorites]
When people ignore it or pretend it's not happening, perpetrators only become more powerful and convincing. Victims begin to normalise their abuse and are less likely to speak up and call out abuse because they know no adults is willing to listen. OP's father is a walking case study of what happens when society turns its back on a victim and then tells a man to "grow up and stop moping".
Personality disorders are often a consequence of coping mechanisms for abuse. IANAD/IANYD
posted by parmanparman at 8:35 AM on January 23, 2020 [10 favorites]
This does not sound like a neurologically stable person. I think you can and should discuss this at least with one or two key contacts who are likely the next ones to hear about it, because he absolutely can hurt other people - not just by sharing this horrible story (which is traumatic to hear even if it's difficult to believe) but as his cognitive dysfunction expands he may cast them in the story as well or feel a greater urgency to stop this terrible thing he believes is happening. Or he may just not be able to safely use a stove or drive a car in ways that won't hurt other people. This is not just One Weird Paranoia, this is a lot of red flags that the brain is not managing information in a reliable way anymore.
I think you're suffering from the frog-boiling that a lot of families do, where you think he's come to this point by a series of rational (or at least internally consistent) decisions that are frustrating but a choice he has made and will continually apply some kind of self-regulation regarding his behavior. This is no longer an "if only he'd go to therapy" situation. He's literally delusional. He may have been a difficult traumatized person all along, but at this point he's a difficult traumatized person deeply detached from reality in a manner that is likely going to become unignorable eventually.
Even if you do nothing right now, one day there's going to be a phone call. It may not be the relatively simple phone call that you need to make funeral arrangements, but rather the police or hospital going "we can't just send him home now, you gotta deal with this". It may also be the police, or a SWAT team, at your door with a warrant, depending on how credible he can be. I don't think you're going to get to stand by and do nothing for long.
The other thing is, if you're able to get him some medical help, there are ways to make him much more comfortable than he likely is right now. The story he lives with is incredibly anxiety-producing, paranoia is exhausting, drinking at the kind of level you suspect is physically uncomfortable on a body. It may be too late for useful PTSD interventions - it's hard to say, maybe he's this delusional as a result of easily-treatable medical conditions - and it just may not be a thing anyone can get him to do even if he is competent, but I think you should consider strategizing this with someone who's not in his imaginary pedophile ring who he is inclined to trust to see if you can facilitate some kind of help for him.
posted by Lyn Never at 8:44 AM on January 23, 2020 [19 favorites]
I think you're suffering from the frog-boiling that a lot of families do, where you think he's come to this point by a series of rational (or at least internally consistent) decisions that are frustrating but a choice he has made and will continually apply some kind of self-regulation regarding his behavior. This is no longer an "if only he'd go to therapy" situation. He's literally delusional. He may have been a difficult traumatized person all along, but at this point he's a difficult traumatized person deeply detached from reality in a manner that is likely going to become unignorable eventually.
Even if you do nothing right now, one day there's going to be a phone call. It may not be the relatively simple phone call that you need to make funeral arrangements, but rather the police or hospital going "we can't just send him home now, you gotta deal with this". It may also be the police, or a SWAT team, at your door with a warrant, depending on how credible he can be. I don't think you're going to get to stand by and do nothing for long.
The other thing is, if you're able to get him some medical help, there are ways to make him much more comfortable than he likely is right now. The story he lives with is incredibly anxiety-producing, paranoia is exhausting, drinking at the kind of level you suspect is physically uncomfortable on a body. It may be too late for useful PTSD interventions - it's hard to say, maybe he's this delusional as a result of easily-treatable medical conditions - and it just may not be a thing anyone can get him to do even if he is competent, but I think you should consider strategizing this with someone who's not in his imaginary pedophile ring who he is inclined to trust to see if you can facilitate some kind of help for him.
posted by Lyn Never at 8:44 AM on January 23, 2020 [19 favorites]
I think there's good advice in this thread. To answer the specific question, I don't think it would be a vicious action to open up to friends and family that you're struggling because your father is struggling with alcoholism and delusions; you might have thought of it as mitigation, but it's equally valid to think of it as leaning on your extended family and acquaintances for support. You can be clear you're not asking people to cut him out of their lives, but you don't need to hide this difficult situation you're experiencing in deference to your father. I'm sorry you're dealing with this, and I empathize with understanding how a loved one came to be as they are while also needing to protect yourself from the consequences of their painful history.
posted by catcafe at 8:46 AM on January 23, 2020 [13 favorites]
posted by catcafe at 8:46 AM on January 23, 2020 [13 favorites]
If I were in your extended family, I think I would be thankful and relieved if you were to open up and tell me what was going on with your father. It's likely they already feel something is wrong but can't quite put their finger on it. Or perhaps they've had uncomfortable, confusing, or alarming interactions with him. Being open about it will allow everyone to work together in the most kind and caring way -- and I extend that "kind and caring" to everyone, not just your father.
posted by mcduff at 9:02 AM on January 23, 2020 [8 favorites]
posted by mcduff at 9:02 AM on January 23, 2020 [8 favorites]
Yes, your father needs medical help. He may have to be forced by the courts to undergo it or be admitted to a mental facility.
Yes, you need medical help to deal with your emotions and be reminded of your sanity and humanity.
Consult a lawyer about having someone in the family made his committee so that someone who is still sane can control his finances and legal decisions.
Last by not least, you have my most profound sympathies.
posted by tmdonahue at 9:07 AM on January 23, 2020 [4 favorites]
Yes, you need medical help to deal with your emotions and be reminded of your sanity and humanity.
Consult a lawyer about having someone in the family made his committee so that someone who is still sane can control his finances and legal decisions.
Last by not least, you have my most profound sympathies.
posted by tmdonahue at 9:07 AM on January 23, 2020 [4 favorites]
If I had, e.g., a sibling with whom I was still in contact who was experiencing this level of delusion, I would want to be told, because I'd want to have the opportunity to be involved in making sure he got looked after (not to mention appreciating the heads-up in advance of what would be a really upsetting story to have to hear, even if I knew quite well it was false). I would limit the disclosure to "close" extended family, however that works in yours. People who are estranged already know he's not reliable, and it will be an unnecessary burden on relatives who aren't close but might feel some responsibility for his care nonetheless. Mutual friends would need to be truly mutual friends, but I expect that any that are at all close to any of you as well as him are unlikely to accept such a story and are likely to recognize that something's off about him. There might be exceptions, though.
(My sympathies. What an awful situation.)
posted by praemunire at 10:33 AM on January 23, 2020
(My sympathies. What an awful situation.)
posted by praemunire at 10:33 AM on January 23, 2020
(Unfortunately, in the United States, at least, delusions that don't impair his ability to care for himself and don't cause him to be violent towards others are unlikely to have him declared incompetent or even to allow for any kind of involuntary treatment.)
posted by praemunire at 10:35 AM on January 23, 2020
posted by praemunire at 10:35 AM on January 23, 2020
The only mitigation would seem to be to preemptively discredit him. To go to the extended family and our mutual acquaintances and warn them that he is aggressively losing his grasp on reality. Though that fact is true, this would be such a vicious action.
I would strongly recommend some spot sessions with a counselor to try to work through why you feel like informing the family about your father’s clear, severe mental health struggles would be “a vicious action.” I noticed you tagged your post with “mental illness,” and “dementia,” and the behavior you’re describing seems obviously symptomatic of both. Would you feel like it would be equally cruel or shameful to tell your extended family that your father had cancer, or heart disease? Like people have said upthread, this is not going to get better as time goes on and the effects of neurological aging and alcohol abuse take a toll on him. It isn’t going to be a question of either “Dad keeps quiet about QAnon” or “Dad calls CPS,” this delusional behavior is going to have more fallout, and it’s a good and compassionate move to get your family members in your corner to support you in dealing with, the opposite of “vicious.”. Your characterizing your father as “a hard worker” makes me wonder if it’s extra hard for you to deal with him being legitimately incapacitated by mental illness, and I think that’s something to look into for yourself. This is so hard, good luck.
posted by moonlight on vermont at 11:04 AM on January 23, 2020 [14 favorites]
I would strongly recommend some spot sessions with a counselor to try to work through why you feel like informing the family about your father’s clear, severe mental health struggles would be “a vicious action.” I noticed you tagged your post with “mental illness,” and “dementia,” and the behavior you’re describing seems obviously symptomatic of both. Would you feel like it would be equally cruel or shameful to tell your extended family that your father had cancer, or heart disease? Like people have said upthread, this is not going to get better as time goes on and the effects of neurological aging and alcohol abuse take a toll on him. It isn’t going to be a question of either “Dad keeps quiet about QAnon” or “Dad calls CPS,” this delusional behavior is going to have more fallout, and it’s a good and compassionate move to get your family members in your corner to support you in dealing with, the opposite of “vicious.”. Your characterizing your father as “a hard worker” makes me wonder if it’s extra hard for you to deal with him being legitimately incapacitated by mental illness, and I think that’s something to look into for yourself. This is so hard, good luck.
posted by moonlight on vermont at 11:04 AM on January 23, 2020 [14 favorites]
I think you can better answer this by making the question more specific. Your father sounds like he is not in full possession of his mental capacities. There is a legal response to this that involves assigning someone to manage his affairs. It's not easy to get someone assessed if they don't want to be; talk to a lawyer. If he can get psychiatric help, medication might be incredibly useful. I had a schizophrenic family member who was considered very eccentric in New Hampshire & Maine. In Florida, he acted out, was arrested, assessed, and committed to a residential mental health care home, required to take meds, and was probably the happiest he'd ever been. A lot depends on the laws of the state you're in.
Personally, he is spreading harmful lies. If you or others, gently spread the word that he appears to not be himself, that is factual. You can be compassionate and still represent the truth.
Lawyer up. Put energy into finding a lawyer familiar with family and mental health law. This is all terribly painful on many levels. It sounds like you have a lot of love for him despite abusive behavior. I do not perceive anything remotely like viciousness. He does not seem to be competent to judge, may think you vicious, but getting severe mental illness addressed is the kindest, most loving act you can take.
posted by theora55 at 1:42 PM on January 23, 2020
Personally, he is spreading harmful lies. If you or others, gently spread the word that he appears to not be himself, that is factual. You can be compassionate and still represent the truth.
Lawyer up. Put energy into finding a lawyer familiar with family and mental health law. This is all terribly painful on many levels. It sounds like you have a lot of love for him despite abusive behavior. I do not perceive anything remotely like viciousness. He does not seem to be competent to judge, may think you vicious, but getting severe mental illness addressed is the kindest, most loving act you can take.
posted by theora55 at 1:42 PM on January 23, 2020
If you're just stating facts, you're not being vicious.
None of the problems you're describing (alcoholism, losing a grip on reality) are going to get better with time. They are definitely going to get worse. I'd protect myself by making sure other people knew what was going on. There is nothing mean or wrong about protecting yourself.
posted by selfmedicating at 4:36 PM on January 23, 2020 [1 favorite]
None of the problems you're describing (alcoholism, losing a grip on reality) are going to get better with time. They are definitely going to get worse. I'd protect myself by making sure other people knew what was going on. There is nothing mean or wrong about protecting yourself.
posted by selfmedicating at 4:36 PM on January 23, 2020 [1 favorite]
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