How do I deal with a crisis of confidence at work?

January 17, 2020 9:55 AM

Recently, I made a mistake at work; it wasn't catastrophic, and didn't have any lasting consequences for the workplace itself, but it was embarrassing for me. As a result, I'm having a horrible crisis of confidence, to the point that I can barely drag myself into the office for the past couple of days. How can I reframe this?

I'm at manager level at work. The other day, I was doing a piece of work and I missed something major for $reasons, none of which are important here, but it definitely was a bad error. The work went up to the next level, and the person next in line ("Jane") to review caught it. What happened next was something of a clusterfuck: Jane, who's a friend of mine, called me to point out the error, and I asked how she wanted me to handle it. She said she'd send it back to the person who'd originally done the work ("Maria"), so Maria could fix it. Maria is one of my direct reports. Maria and Jane don't get along at all, so they had sort of a contretemps, apparently, but Maria said she'd deal with it. Jane then came to my office to sort of vent about the situation. I apologized profusely for missing the error, and she was reasonably nice about it. I then called Maria to apologize to her; I said I was sorry she'd had words with Jane and that it was my fault because I should have caught the error. She was also fairly nice about it. Because of all this back and forth, we missed an in-house deadline.

Next day, I was late to work because I had a therapy appointment. (This isn't normally a problem at all; we're pretty lax about start times around here.) The person I report to ("Emma") had called and left two messages about the work Maria was doing; Emma wanted to know where the work product was because the Big Boss was looking for it. Emma then called and left me a second message saying "Ignore my last message; I understand you gave the work to Jane, so I'm dealing with her." She didn't sound mad or anything. I sent her an email explaining why I was late, and noting that that work product was late because it had had problems. I also said that she was welcome to call my cell in future, and gave her my number. She answered, saying, "No problem. Thanks." That's the last thing I heard.

Big boss, as it happens, is a pretty nice person and pretty laid back; I once sent him an email meant for someone else (they have the exact same name but different email addresses), and he was very understanding.

I'm beating myself up about this to an extent that may or may not be healthy. I feel like no one will ever trust me again and that I've completely scuttled my reputation around here. I'm basically hiding in my office and dreading going upstairs to hand over the next piece of work because Jane, Maria, and Emma all sit up there and I'm dreading seeing them, much less all at the same time. Needless to say, I'm not very productive today.

My rational brain is telling me that it's really not a huge deal -- we caught the error before it went out, and everyone will move on. My emotional brain, though, is telling me a way different story: that the people who hired me are sorry and wish they'd hired someone else, and that I've let the team down. It doesn't help that this is sort of a passive-aggressive workplace where people hate to give any criticism, even constructive criticism, so they'll mostly talk about you behind your back.

So, how can I: 1) reframe this to stop catastrophizing; and 2) move forward? Or maybe I really should be catastrophizing? Aaaargh.

posted by O Sock My Sock to Work & Money (20 answers total)

Discuss this at your next therapy appointment. This truly is a nothing problem and your brain is being very unkind to you.
posted by phunniemee at 10:00 AM on January 17, 2020 [26 favorites]

I struggle with all of the cognitive distortions even when I'm not depressed and take negative feedback very hard unless I'm in the right frame of mind, so I get it.

I got this book this week specifically to learn about it and it is helping. It explains why our brains needed to focus on the negative and it has actual strategies to work through it.

For a brief example of what it's like... The third chapter I just read was about a very famous daredevil who suddenly couldn't go on with planning for this huge stunt. He went and talked to Astronauts even and they were like "We just kick people out of the program if they have this problem. There's no going back." but he worked with a person who helped many people deal with the negative feedback loop and get past it. Now chapter 4 is about dealing with (or delivering) negative feedback on the job or in personal life which is what you want! Both of those have real laid out strategies that will help you 1.) get back in spaces you dread 2.) learn to work through negative feedback/events quickly and use them for power instead of internal destruction.

But you're not weird. This is how humans are. We have a real fear reaction to negative events. Just gotta manage them.
posted by OnTheLastCastle at 10:05 AM on January 17, 2020 [5 favorites]

I'm guessing that the real reason you are feeling so uncomfortable is that you are caught between Jane and Maria a bit? I'm confused about why Maria had to fix the problem and deal with it. Is there some interpersonal stuff that as Maria's manager you are struggling with?

Beating yourself up for making a mistake is not just unhealthy (its very unhealthy) it's also useless. You cant go back in time.

But there is probably some issue in this dynamic that you aren't sure how best to handle or you aren't being honest with yourself, that's my read. Maybe Maria or Jane is not being fair to you or one of the other folks? I agree you could talk this out in therapy and possibly get to the bottom of it.

But please cut yourself some slack. People make mistakes. You aren't an incompetent monster, you are a human being, with strengths and weaknesses and things you're great at and things you could stand to improve. You need to examine what you could actually do better and what isn't at all your problem and make sure you're not carrying more than what's appropriate.
posted by pazazygeek at 10:17 AM on January 17, 2020 [1 favorite]

I think it's worth figuring out why you are so worked up about what seems like a minor slip-up everyone else has taken in stride. We're you shamed for messing up as a child? Did you have a traumatic time in a different job? Impostor syndrome?

I struggle with what you describe a lot at work and school bc I have ADHD and the rejection sensitivity that comes with it. It's been so destructive to my mental health. You're bound to screw up again (being human) and it'd be nice not to struggle like this every time I'm sure, so maybe you can reframe this more productively as a therapy homework assignment.
posted by shaademaan at 10:17 AM on January 17, 2020 [1 favorite]

Just for a data point that might help you reframe: when I read the paragraph that big boss is nice and laid back, then started the next paragraph, I thought it was going to say something like “but then X catastrophic thing happened because the work was late and big boss is coming down on me hard” etc etc. But that was actually the end of the description of your minor mistake and it’s minor consequences. I thought it was the buildup and the truly bad consequences were coming up next.

You are human. You missed a mistake. A work product was a little late because of it. Everyone was understanding and no one seems upset. This happens all the time in the course of business! Please take these people at their word that everything is fine, and yes, discuss at your next therapy appointment if possible.

(As an aside, I don’t think you need to take responsibility for your direct reports and jane’s relationship. Yes she had to talk to Jane because you missed a mistake, but they work together and you don’t need to be apologizing for that.)
posted by sillysally at 10:24 AM on January 17, 2020 [8 favorites]

Mistakes are normal, and after fixing something (and apologizing) the only thing worth thinking about is why is happened/if there are ways you could prevent this from happening in the future. E.g. if you know you're going to miss a deadline, you'll take x steps so that everyone involved knows what's going on, or if you're out, people know how to look at your calendar, etc. (I'm also confused about why Maria fixed it if it was your mistake...it seems like that added to your stress.)
posted by pinochiette at 10:46 AM on January 17, 2020 [1 favorite]

Two things I read recently that might help--this instagram post/caption that echo shaademaan's question about this response having roots in childhood, and the compassionate and empathetic comments in this Ask A Manager post about a manager trying to help an employee having a shame/flight response.

Please be kind to yourself. Everyone makes mistakes!
posted by stellaluna at 10:47 AM on January 17, 2020 [1 favorite]

Sometimes smaller mistakes that cause pointless/irritating complications stress me out more than larger mistakes that are simpler to deal with. Because not only do I have to own up to a mistake, I feel like I’m further wasting everyone’s time by having to get into the issue with people like Emma who shouldn’t really need to know about this and have enough on their plate, and instead I’m getting them into all sorts of unnecessary calls and emails.

But then I remember times when I’ve been in Emma’s position, and that it’s no problem at all to hear someone else say “X, Y, and Z happened and we’re currently handling it, nothing you need to worry about and the word product will be to you shortly.”

The thing that should be concerning you here is that it sounds like Jane and Maria’s dynamic is kind of messed up...
posted by sallybrown at 10:48 AM on January 17, 2020 [1 favorite]

I have generalized anxiety disorder and I identify a lot with what you are talking about. This is classic rumination / catastrophizing / perfectionism. As a person outside of this situation, this is literally NOTHING - shit like this happens all the time at work. These are the things that help me when I am ruminating about something:

1. Forgiveness - A thought experiment: What if I just fucking forgive myself about this?! "Socky baby, you are forgiven for this mistake." Say it in your head, write it down or say it out loud. Did you know you can even forgive yourself for major fuckups? And this one is minor. We all deserve forgiveness. Try forgiving yourself once a day for something small to practice. "I forgive myself for spending more than I wanted on that artisan peanut butter" "I forgive myself for flubbing that response in that meeting" "I forgive myself for paying my credit card late by accident"

2. Put myself in their place - If I was Maria or Jane, would I think of you as a serious idiot who should never again be trusted? No way! I am so forgiving of other people's mistakes, as I'm guessing you might be too. This situation might be cluttered by added office drama, but that's not on you.

3. Mistakes happen - Literally everyone in the world has made a mistake. Some people make mistakes that cause major repercussions (doctors, lawyers, caregivers, etc) My mistakes are more like, Oh someone might have an extra hour of work. Or, oh shoot, that project might cost a little more money.

4. Death and Space - This one is a little more wild, but I think about death and space. I imagine dying, my body decomposing, worms eating my flesh. This is comforting to me rather than scary. Everyone will die. These mistakes are literally meaningless in the face of the cycle of life and death. If death squicks you out, think of the magnitude of space – imagine floating further and further away from earth - you become a little ant, a pinprick, you disappear. This mistake is nothing when compared to the vastness and mystery of space.

5. Rumination blockers - Count to 500 in increments of 16. Count down from 119 in increments of 7. Make a list of 50 books that start with M. List your favorite artists. List 100 of your favorite movies. Make a list of of names for cats in A-Z order (Angus, Babadook, Catty McGee...)

6. Self-care list - Think of go-to things that will make you feel better. (Reading, exercise, walking, listening to music, drinking tea, talking to a friend, taking a bath, whatever works for you...). How high is your anxiety? 6 out of 10? Do 6 things off that list if you can. Is it a ten? Try to do 10 of those things over the next couple / few days. Don't think of this like another thing on your checklist - if you can't do it, don't do it. These are just treats for yourself.

7. Get long-term treatment for anxiety - You're already doing this one!!! Get meds if you need meds. Get therapy and celebrate your strength and determination to feel better
posted by Uncle Glendinning at 11:42 AM on January 17, 2020 [8 favorites]

I think it always helps to reframe these things. Will you NEVER trust Maria again because she made one mistake? If someone else had made a mistake and their supervisor missed it, would you never trust that supervisor again? Do you spend lots of time thinking about other people's errors? Probably not, not, not.

We are all incredibly hard on ourselves. But there's a reason we have different levels of quality control. If the point weren't for multiple layers, then Maria would have just sent it to Emma's boss, or maybe directly out into the world. Yes, you didn't catch the problem, but Jane did. Yay. That's how it's supposed to work. It takes a village and all that. The fact that Jane and Maria don't get along is a side kerfuffle that has nothing to do with you. The fact that you were out at an appointment (it could have been the dentist, therapy, or whatever) also isn't relevant. Had you not had the appointment, Maria would still have been redoing the work and it still would have missed the internal deadline. And that's what internal deadlines are -- internal -- designed to make sure everyone had time to fix things before external deadlines.

Your brain is telling you that you suck and that everyone else thinks so. Meanwhile, Maria's brain is telling her that she sucks and that you and Jane and Emma think she's awful. Emma probably figures that you think she's a bitch for calling the second time.

REMIND yourself that everyone's thinking about themselves.

Remind yourself that even where someone else's self interacts with your own self, people are still thinking about how things impact them and how other people thinking about them impacts them.

Ask yourself what "punishment" you'd assign to anyone else in your position. If yours and Jane's experiences were reversed, should Jane be fired? Flogged? Beset with bees? Have to attend a time-share presentation? Think up crazy punishments Jane or anyone else who did EXACTLY what you did would deserve. This should make you laugh. Because OBVIOUSLY if Jane or anyone else had done this, you'd roll your eyes about them being so troubled and push the bowl of office candy toward them and say, "It's all fine! Have a Reese's!"

Talk to your therapist about ways to talk through these self-recriminations in a healthier way. That's why your therapist gets the big bucks! ;-)

Make yourself a mix of TV theme songs. I'm serious. Most songs make us feel something -- happy, sad, whatever. But TV theme songs just make us bop along. Try to get one that includes shows from the 50s and 60s. You literally can't obsess about yourself when you're thinking about "My Mother, The Car" or the theme from The Greatest American Hero. And if you DO start obsessing, it'll be about why Ginger and Mrs. Howell brought so many outfits for a three-hour tour. (Comedy albums from an earlier era also help. Try singing along with Tom Lehrer.)

Be kind to yourself. I used to be in your shoes, basically expecting perfection from myself and being sure everyone was looking at me with disappointment or dissatisfaction when I wasn't perfect. Therapy always helps this kind of anxiety to some extent, but honestly, time and distraction work best. (Personally, I wouldn't try Uncle Gendinning's decomposing body distraction but would prefer to engross myself in something more lighthearted. See TV theme songs.)

For what it's worth, you used the word "contretemps," so I think you're fabulous. {hugs}
posted by The Wrong Kind of Cheese at 12:03 PM on January 17, 2020 [3 favorites]

The thing that gave me the most anxiety about your post is that your last communication with Emma was her saying I understand you gave the work to Jane, so I'm dealing with her. And then nothing more. If it were me I'd have popped my head into Emma's office to ask something like, "So, did problem X get worked out? Is there anything you need from me?" or something similar, partly to show I'm interested and invested in the outcome but also to get a feel for Emma's reaction to the situation, whether she's casual like "no big deal" or whether she might feel the need to say a few words to me about my role in the problem. For me the not having any idea what happened with the problem and whether Emma is mad would make me crazier than just going in and facing it.
posted by Serene Empress Dork at 12:15 PM on January 17, 2020 [2 favorites]

Hang on, so Maria actually made the mistake. Why aren’t you furious with her...you’ve managed to forgive her, right? If you could forgive the person who actually made the mistake, the least you can do is forgive the person that it slipped by (ie you!)
posted by Jubey at 12:59 PM on January 17, 2020 [2 favorites]

When I feel like that, where I'm mad at myself and feel bad about coworker interactions so that I just want to hide, what I do is to seek out positive human conversations outside my department or outside my company.

So for instance I might do something positive for a client (deliver a piece of work extra early, send a link that might be useful...). It seems counterintuitive to put energy into an extra when I should be dealing with a clusterfuck in the regular work. But when the client mails back "wow, thanks for the good work!" It boosts my self esteem so much, and it gives me back all the energy and morale that I need to deal with the hard stuff.
Sometimes all it takes is to have a nice water cooler conversation with someone from a different department.

It just goes to remind me that my work is valued and people consider me an expert at what I do. And right or wrong, that works for me emotionally.
posted by Omnomnom at 1:16 PM on January 17, 2020 [2 favorites]

First of all, reality check: from what you’ve described you have nothing to worry about with your career. Things happen, everyone moves on.

Second of all, you appear to be suffering from what I call the Egotism Of Low Self Esteem. You seem to be biased towards the idea that other people are thinking about you, and that if they are they care enough to judge. It’s extremely likely that they aren’t and they don’t. They have lives of their own going in which they are the central character and unless you are screwing up in a regular and disruptive fashion you are a minor side character. Deciding on pizza toppings likely outranks your appearance in their narrative.

So, you have to deal with your own sense of failure but don’t get hung up on the hypothetical judgement of others. They care a lot less than you think.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 1:50 PM on January 17, 2020 [1 favorite]

- The thing that gave me the most anxiety about your post is that your last communication with Emma was her saying I understand you gave the work to Jane, so I'm dealing with her.

-- Hang on, so Maria actually made the mistake. Why aren’t you furious with her.

Am I the only one irritated with Jane? She found a missed mistake (which is part of her job -- there are multiple eyes on this product because it's necessary, and Jane is the stop after you), great! She contacted you about addressing it, and you both decided to send the work back to Maria. That all tracks.

But then those two argued, and (your friend) Jane decided to head to your office to 'sort of vent about the situation'? And after that, you apologized to Jane, and then you apologized to Maria, too, and they were both 'nice' in response... because by shoving you in the middle, they got you to say soothing, conciliatory things so each of them felt less petty about/responsible for their squabble.

In your question, you established Jane and Maria don't get along; if this recent situation is a one-off hiccup, okay. But if Jane is in the habit of complaining to you about your direct report: the next time she stops in your office to vent, please interrupt her to say that you're in the middle of something, and to send you an email about the matter to start a documentation trail.

PS your therapy appointments are a crucial part of your medical treatment. Keep your phone shut off, or barring that (because you need to be accessible to a party in your personal life) let business calls go unanswered during that time.
posted by Iris Gambol at 2:19 PM on January 17, 2020 [2 favorites]

Speaking of anxiety, I have that, too, and now I'm worried I wasn't clear above. You'd be telling Jane to email you (instead of venting aloud) to start a file, specifically saying to Jane that documentation would be the purpose of the email. The goal is that she then goes away and considers if her complaint is worth putting in writing. Maria is your direct report, and she doesn't get along with the person at the level above yours in the office chain (and I'm wondering what your working relationship with Maria is like). Please be a buffer for her.

That you couldn't be that buffer a couple of days ago is forgivable, because, again, this started with a mistake that was caught in time. (Re: they had sort of a contretemps, apparently These women are adults in the workplace, and Jane is senior to Maria; given your phrasing, their argument reads as both unprofessional and unnecessary.) I feel that Jane's entry into your office is where the situation started to tip sideways, and your anxiety level ramped up in response.
posted by Iris Gambol at 2:48 PM on January 17, 2020

Maybe I'm missing something, but it sounds to me like the issue here is more Jane and Maria being too unprofessional to put aside their personal dislike for each other in a work situation than any especially big screw-up on your part.
posted by waffleriot at 3:19 PM on January 17, 2020 [1 favorite]

I think I tend to feel the worst when I'm feeling some guilt around my $reasons: was I slacking at work, watching a YouTube video about bunnies when I should have been paying attention to my task? And then maybe being at therapy (even though that's totally fine and it's good!) made you feel a bit worse because you were attending to yourself when the question came up at work, so then more people learned about your mistake?

It might be helpful to imagine a coworker making a similar mistake and other people needing to do a bit of work to fix it. If this person was generally a conscientious worker, you'd move on quite quickly, right? Likely you wouldn't judge or even think about it much because we all make mistakes all the time. Try to have the same compassion for yourself that you would have for someone else in the same situation.
posted by bluedaisy at 3:45 PM on January 17, 2020

I had a really interesting discussion with my husband once, about what "worst case scenario" looks like to both of us. I'm the anxious person in our relationship, he's the "normal" one.

Whenever I'd voice anxious thoughts, he'd say, "Well, what's the worst that could happen?" This never actually helped to calm me down, because in my head, the worst that could happen is: they lose all faith in me, they don't give me projects anymore, eventually I lose my job, and when I search for a new job I can't use them as a reference because they will tell my potential new employer about my poor performance.

As I explained my "worst case scenario" to him he had this stunned expression on his face. His worst case scenario was more like: he'd have to apologize and explain what happened, set up a system so it doesn't happen again, and be on high alert for a short period of time just to be extra careful.

You can see how very, very different the anxious brain can be compared to a non-anxious one!

My advice - pay attention to what is actually happening right now at work and compare it to the worst case scenario in your head. Document and compare them to really highlight the differences between anxious brain vs. reality. So far, you said the fallout has been a bunch of extra conversations to figure out what happened and what to do next, and a missed deadline, but sounds like no one was too pissed about that. This is the hardest part: When there is a conflict between your thoughts vs. reality, you have to believe reality that that is the extent of the fallout.

OK so I know you said your workplace is a bit backstabby and passive-aggressive, and maybe that adds to the belief that you cannot 100% believe the reality you are seeing with your own two eyes, because they may be scheming in their heads. To that I would say, figure out your boundaries as to how much you would play along with that office culture, and as long as you can be true to your personal boundary, you can forgive yourself for whatever else happens that's beyond your control. Sounds like you've decided that you kind of have to be a buffer between Jane and Maria, and while that may be objectionable to some, sometimes we do what we gotta do!

Take the weekend to go for a nice walk, maybe do something reaffirming as to your "competency" in your personal life, and show up next week with the attitude of looking forward, not looking back. You can do it!
posted by tinydancer at 4:48 PM on January 17, 2020 [5 favorites]

Response by poster: Thanks, everybody, for your comments. They helped a lot. Iris Gambol, your comment actually reminded me: Jane is a friend, but you know, I generally try to avoid talking to her about things that upset me because I always leave the conversation feeling worse. That’s just sort of how it is with her. So I think you’re right about where my anxiety level ramped up.
posted by O Sock My Sock at 8:04 AM on January 19, 2020