Thank you for saving me
January 16, 2020 10:00 AM Subscribe
What can I do to help two high school students and a director who literally saved my life? They insist they don’t want anything but I really want to help in some way.
I offered the two high school students (two boy, one a senior and the other a sophomore) dinner, gas money, anything. They refused, but I put money in their lunch account and paid their meal debt. I asked if there’s any way I could pay for other school activities or something but the school said there wasn’t anything they signed up for.
For the director, I asked if there was any favorite food or drink, and he refused too. I am thinking of sending him a gift basket with a note, but since I barely know him, I’m not sure what to get. He may be Mormon, so I would avoid alcohol and caffeine in case. Any companies or gift basket ideas? All I know is that he doesn’t like chocolate milk... but he is a hunting and fishing kind of guy.
I am thinking about the senior boy. He told me he wants to be a mechanic. He is Native and said no one in his family has been able to leave their small town. He and the other boy want to leave their town. The senior is on free lunches. He made a comment about wanting to travel but he can’t afford it. They both like fishing. The sophomore’s family is “well off” from how he described himself when we were talking about their families.
I have some money saved and I would like to help the senior kid for his graduation, but I have no clue how. I could ask the director to give him my contact info, so he could tell me what he needs, but I doubt he ever would. I wish I knew mechanics who could offer him a job or apprenticeship. I do know of one but they are many states away. I thought of trying to pay for a fishing trip for them since they’re friends, but no clue how to start with logistics there. I was just visiting their town, I live a state away. I could just send money but I don’t know if he and his family be weirded out by that? They could be weirded out by the whole thing, but I really am so grateful to these two sweet students. I wouldn’t be here or I would have been injured without them.
What would be the way to gift these three who really helped me??
I offered the two high school students (two boy, one a senior and the other a sophomore) dinner, gas money, anything. They refused, but I put money in their lunch account and paid their meal debt. I asked if there’s any way I could pay for other school activities or something but the school said there wasn’t anything they signed up for.
For the director, I asked if there was any favorite food or drink, and he refused too. I am thinking of sending him a gift basket with a note, but since I barely know him, I’m not sure what to get. He may be Mormon, so I would avoid alcohol and caffeine in case. Any companies or gift basket ideas? All I know is that he doesn’t like chocolate milk... but he is a hunting and fishing kind of guy.
I am thinking about the senior boy. He told me he wants to be a mechanic. He is Native and said no one in his family has been able to leave their small town. He and the other boy want to leave their town. The senior is on free lunches. He made a comment about wanting to travel but he can’t afford it. They both like fishing. The sophomore’s family is “well off” from how he described himself when we were talking about their families.
I have some money saved and I would like to help the senior kid for his graduation, but I have no clue how. I could ask the director to give him my contact info, so he could tell me what he needs, but I doubt he ever would. I wish I knew mechanics who could offer him a job or apprenticeship. I do know of one but they are many states away. I thought of trying to pay for a fishing trip for them since they’re friends, but no clue how to start with logistics there. I was just visiting their town, I live a state away. I could just send money but I don’t know if he and his family be weirded out by that? They could be weirded out by the whole thing, but I really am so grateful to these two sweet students. I wouldn’t be here or I would have been injured without them.
What would be the way to gift these three who really helped me??
Best answer: Write them each a letter of thanks. You might tell them a little about you and your family, the people who are thankful you’re still here—and you can provide your contact information and note that you owe them a huge favor and would love to help if they ever need anything, like a college recommendation, a visit to a new town, advice on getting a job or mechanic training, etc. Say there is no time limit as you’ll always remember what they did for you.
Then let them move on. They’ve said a few times that they don’t want anything, so respect that.
posted by sallybrown at 10:20 AM on January 16, 2020 [38 favorites]
Then let them move on. They’ve said a few times that they don’t want anything, so respect that.
posted by sallybrown at 10:20 AM on January 16, 2020 [38 favorites]
Best answer: Please just write them a letter of thanks and forget the idea of giving them something.
I did something very meaningful for someone else and it was like a slap in the face when they showed up with a gift card to give me after I had told them multiple times I didn't want any kind of gift. It kind of diminished the warm feelings I got from being able to help someone in that way because with the gift they turned it into what felt like a transaction for money. Please believe them when they say they don't want anything from you.
posted by ilovewinter at 10:29 AM on January 16, 2020 [30 favorites]
I did something very meaningful for someone else and it was like a slap in the face when they showed up with a gift card to give me after I had told them multiple times I didn't want any kind of gift. It kind of diminished the warm feelings I got from being able to help someone in that way because with the gift they turned it into what felt like a transaction for money. Please believe them when they say they don't want anything from you.
posted by ilovewinter at 10:29 AM on January 16, 2020 [30 favorites]
Response by poster: I hadn’t even thought of a letter! Doy. I’m so used to gift giving (a love language?) and it’s my go-to to show gratefulness. I will write all three a letter and leave it at that. Next time I’m in town maybe I’ll invite them out to lunch. Thanks!
posted by buttonedup at 10:48 AM on January 16, 2020 [10 favorites]
posted by buttonedup at 10:48 AM on January 16, 2020 [10 favorites]
Maybe include in the letter an offer (unspecified) of help at some future date, should they ever need it. a literal IOU.
posted by Exceptional_Hubris at 11:02 AM on January 16, 2020 [3 favorites]
posted by Exceptional_Hubris at 11:02 AM on January 16, 2020 [3 favorites]
I’d make it a fairly loose offer for lunch, if you make it - from what I know of teenage boys, the idea of having to go for lunch with an adult they don’t really know might feel a bit more like an obligation than a treat. It’s hard, because you want so much to give back, but they might feel like they did something good but they don’t necessarily want a long-lasting friendship/relationship to come out of it. If it’s any comfort, you’ve given them the gift that they will go through their whole life knowing they saved someone, and knowing that is pretty powerful.
posted by penguin pie at 11:30 AM on January 16, 2020 [4 favorites]
posted by penguin pie at 11:30 AM on January 16, 2020 [4 favorites]
> They insist they don’t want anything but I really want to help in some way.
You answered your own question. They don't want anything. You want to give them something, but that's about your desires and not theirs.
posted by The corpse in the library at 11:35 AM on January 16, 2020 [1 favorite]
You answered your own question. They don't want anything. You want to give them something, but that's about your desires and not theirs.
posted by The corpse in the library at 11:35 AM on January 16, 2020 [1 favorite]
Are they all at the same school? You could make a donation of some sort to the school--a lot of schools help kids out when they need things (food, clothes, whatever) and a cash donation via the principal or counseling office might be something you could arrange that would benefit their community. You could even do it in their name though I would definitely ask their permission first if you were going to do that.
posted by gideonfrog at 11:59 AM on January 16, 2020 [4 favorites]
posted by gideonfrog at 11:59 AM on January 16, 2020 [4 favorites]
Next time I’m in town maybe I’ll invite them out to lunch.
If you do this, this is more about you than them. Please don't make them feel obligated to you.
If you send a letter, go ahead and put some cash in it for the boys. Make a general offer of help, and then let it go. The way you back this back is by paying it forward to someone else when you can if the opportunity presents.
posted by bluedaisy at 12:27 PM on January 16, 2020 [2 favorites]
If you do this, this is more about you than them. Please don't make them feel obligated to you.
If you send a letter, go ahead and put some cash in it for the boys. Make a general offer of help, and then let it go. The way you back this back is by paying it forward to someone else when you can if the opportunity presents.
posted by bluedaisy at 12:27 PM on January 16, 2020 [2 favorites]
High school? Offer to provide a college reference, and write the letter accordingly.
posted by theora55 at 12:42 PM on January 16, 2020 [6 favorites]
posted by theora55 at 12:42 PM on January 16, 2020 [6 favorites]
You mentioned love languages- just a quick note from someone for whom gifts is fairly low down on my list.
Sometimes gifts suck, because you have this thing you don't really want but have this sense of obligation to keep it and it's awkward, especially from someone I don't know very well. Not saying you have crossed this line! But a point of reference.
posted by freethefeet at 1:37 PM on January 16, 2020 [3 favorites]
Sometimes gifts suck, because you have this thing you don't really want but have this sense of obligation to keep it and it's awkward, especially from someone I don't know very well. Not saying you have crossed this line! But a point of reference.
posted by freethefeet at 1:37 PM on January 16, 2020 [3 favorites]
Seconding the college letter. Are their actions something that would rate recognition by the Sheriff or other law enforcement, the city council, and so forth? Your state representative(s) might want to "assist" in recognizing the helpers and if so, perhaps the local and state media also. In the longer scheme of things just making others aware of their good works is a good thing. Thank you.
posted by KneeDeep at 5:32 PM on January 17, 2020
posted by KneeDeep at 5:32 PM on January 17, 2020
Are their actions something that would rate recognition by the Sheriff or other law enforcement, the city council, and so forth?
Please do not bring the sheriff or other law enforcement into the lives of young men of color and poor men without explicit consent. This is well-intentioned but communities who have experienced trauma at the hands of law enforcement wouldn't necessarily welcome this gesture. They have already said no. This would be a major escalation.
posted by bluedaisy at 5:48 PM on January 17, 2020 [2 favorites]
Please do not bring the sheriff or other law enforcement into the lives of young men of color and poor men without explicit consent. This is well-intentioned but communities who have experienced trauma at the hands of law enforcement wouldn't necessarily welcome this gesture. They have already said no. This would be a major escalation.
posted by bluedaisy at 5:48 PM on January 17, 2020 [2 favorites]
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