How do I enjoy my maternity leave with an older infant?
December 30, 2019 9:42 AM Subscribe
I'm lucky to get several months of leave for my first child, which I split it into two halves due to circumstances. I was an exhausted depressed mess during the first half, went back happily to work for a few months, and will be taking the second half starting tomorrow. Help me make better use of it this time around.
There are some things I can identify from last time that will be different this half: the helpless newborn stage was much less enjoyable for me than the baby's current age (7 months), I was pumping 7-8 times a day, I had some minor but weird postpartum health issues, etc.
But the core issue, which isn't going to change, is that I craved being able to use my brain, interacting with adults about things besides babies, and genuinely missed doing work -- I'm lucky to enjoy my career. I was also extremely physically tired from being on all day and much of the night. Never have been particularly fit, and my advanced mid-30s age doesn't help, probably.
And there will be new challenges, like the baby being more mobile, and being in a new city (where I know nobody) temporarily.
I hear mothers around me wishing they had more leave or could afford to stay home, and I wonder if there's something wrong with the way I'm approaching my time with the baby. I don't know if this makes me a bad mother, but I didn't feel sad at all dropping my baby off at daycare on my first day back at work. I was so relieved and thrilled.
I don't want to be as miserable as I was the first time. Do you have advice on how I can enjoy the next three months at least a little bit, and not be so sad, resentful, and tired? Things I plan to do already: go to the gym regularly (found one with childcare), get out of the house sometimes, find help for one day a week so I can have time for self-care.
There are some things I can identify from last time that will be different this half: the helpless newborn stage was much less enjoyable for me than the baby's current age (7 months), I was pumping 7-8 times a day, I had some minor but weird postpartum health issues, etc.
But the core issue, which isn't going to change, is that I craved being able to use my brain, interacting with adults about things besides babies, and genuinely missed doing work -- I'm lucky to enjoy my career. I was also extremely physically tired from being on all day and much of the night. Never have been particularly fit, and my advanced mid-30s age doesn't help, probably.
And there will be new challenges, like the baby being more mobile, and being in a new city (where I know nobody) temporarily.
I hear mothers around me wishing they had more leave or could afford to stay home, and I wonder if there's something wrong with the way I'm approaching my time with the baby. I don't know if this makes me a bad mother, but I didn't feel sad at all dropping my baby off at daycare on my first day back at work. I was so relieved and thrilled.
I don't want to be as miserable as I was the first time. Do you have advice on how I can enjoy the next three months at least a little bit, and not be so sad, resentful, and tired? Things I plan to do already: go to the gym regularly (found one with childcare), get out of the house sometimes, find help for one day a week so I can have time for self-care.
My number one tip would be to leave the house! Every single day! Find a bunch of resources and activities aimed at stay-at-home parents and give them all a try. Swimming, music, fitness classes, book clubs, story time at the library. Good for you and your kid to get fresh air, try some new things, and maybe meet some local friends who are also parents of babies. Or, even if you don't make a super close friend, you can at least chat with some other parents.
It sounds perverse but I remember when I was on maternity leave, it used to reassure me so much to be around other parents with babies, to see how tired they were, and to see that their babies could be difficult too. The perspective that parenting a baby is just really tough sometimes even for the awesomest parents was super super helpful for me. I mean, I knew it intellectually, but to really *see* it made it click in my brain somehow.
If you're on Facebook you could look for a neighborhood group dedicated to parenting. I'm in one called "(neighborhood) Wee Ones Moms Group" and it's a surprisingly good source of information. Or you could try the Peanut app.
Also, think about what you'd do with that much time off work if you *didn't* have a baby along, and figure out how to do a little bit of that. I'm at my best when I make the switch away from "nonstop parent mode" into "living my life with a baby in tow" even if just for a couple hours. It's not really possible with a newborn and it will get easier as your baby gets older.
And, like, it's OK to recognize that being a stay at home parent isn't everybody's dream job. I'm back at work after a week off and pretty happy to go back to my emails and spreadsheets, where I can be great at what I do and nobody's allowed to scream at me :)
posted by beandip at 10:31 AM on December 30, 2019 [3 favorites]
It sounds perverse but I remember when I was on maternity leave, it used to reassure me so much to be around other parents with babies, to see how tired they were, and to see that their babies could be difficult too. The perspective that parenting a baby is just really tough sometimes even for the awesomest parents was super super helpful for me. I mean, I knew it intellectually, but to really *see* it made it click in my brain somehow.
If you're on Facebook you could look for a neighborhood group dedicated to parenting. I'm in one called "(neighborhood) Wee Ones Moms Group" and it's a surprisingly good source of information. Or you could try the Peanut app.
Also, think about what you'd do with that much time off work if you *didn't* have a baby along, and figure out how to do a little bit of that. I'm at my best when I make the switch away from "nonstop parent mode" into "living my life with a baby in tow" even if just for a couple hours. It's not really possible with a newborn and it will get easier as your baby gets older.
And, like, it's OK to recognize that being a stay at home parent isn't everybody's dream job. I'm back at work after a week off and pretty happy to go back to my emails and spreadsheets, where I can be great at what I do and nobody's allowed to scream at me :)
posted by beandip at 10:31 AM on December 30, 2019 [3 favorites]
Definitely look for baby-and-me classes. Where I am (Toronto) we have Early Years Centres where they offer them as well as drop-in play time.
At the age window you have there, one of my children was an excellent stroller napper. If you are so blessed, or live close enough to make it back for nap time, a membership to a museum or an art gallery can be really nice; you can go there once a week and really immerse in some of the information there, while taking the time to show the baby thing, cuddle, feed the baby, and let the baby nap.
I also used to get on the subway and pop up into neighbourhoods I didn't know. I feel like I got to know my city a lot better and I've enjoyed having that knowledge.
If your baby naps well but you have to be home, you could explore online course offerings. There's Lynda.com/LinkedIn Learning (my library card gets me free classes there, maybe yours does) and Coursera off the top of my head and there might be more. Another approach might be to stock up on documentaries that are relevant to you and go deep into something. I suggest these because yeah, 3 months is not that long to set up other kinds of learning, and they are things you do on your schedule.
posted by warriorqueen at 10:32 AM on December 30, 2019 [2 favorites]
At the age window you have there, one of my children was an excellent stroller napper. If you are so blessed, or live close enough to make it back for nap time, a membership to a museum or an art gallery can be really nice; you can go there once a week and really immerse in some of the information there, while taking the time to show the baby thing, cuddle, feed the baby, and let the baby nap.
I also used to get on the subway and pop up into neighbourhoods I didn't know. I feel like I got to know my city a lot better and I've enjoyed having that knowledge.
If your baby naps well but you have to be home, you could explore online course offerings. There's Lynda.com/LinkedIn Learning (my library card gets me free classes there, maybe yours does) and Coursera off the top of my head and there might be more. Another approach might be to stock up on documentaries that are relevant to you and go deep into something. I suggest these because yeah, 3 months is not that long to set up other kinds of learning, and they are things you do on your schedule.
posted by warriorqueen at 10:32 AM on December 30, 2019 [2 favorites]
I agree with what others are saying. I would also suggest that you think about something you’ve always wanted to do for yourself and find a way to do it with your kid along for the ride. Maybe it won’t be exactly like you planned (mom-baby yoga? Small, very quick crafting like origami?) but I found that the secret to happier parenting for me is to work my “me-time” into life with my kid rather than try to do it when she’s napping/asleep.
In addition, even 7 month olds can start working on the skill of “waiting” for short periods and it’s good to start building this skill in your child early.
posted by CMcG at 10:52 AM on December 30, 2019 [5 favorites]
In addition, even 7 month olds can start working on the skill of “waiting” for short periods and it’s good to start building this skill in your child early.
posted by CMcG at 10:52 AM on December 30, 2019 [5 favorites]
I just wanted to chime in on the something-wrong-with-you issue. There is nothing wrong with you. A lot of parents who feel as you do just don't talk about it. I 100% relate to your feelings (my kid is now 7, and we are all off work/school for two weeks for the holiday and we sent him to two days of fun science center day camp because I still need some time off from momming).
Just because of the way my brain works, if this were me I'd make a list of some personal goals. Like, work on a foreign language, listen to x number of audio books on a certain topic, etc .... I always feel better about myself when I'm checking stuff off a list.
posted by soren_lorensen at 11:40 AM on December 30, 2019 [4 favorites]
Just because of the way my brain works, if this were me I'd make a list of some personal goals. Like, work on a foreign language, listen to x number of audio books on a certain topic, etc .... I always feel better about myself when I'm checking stuff off a list.
posted by soren_lorensen at 11:40 AM on December 30, 2019 [4 favorites]
Vital activities for me with my small child included
- library story time
- walks in the outdoors, either wearing the child or using a stroller
- going to the coffeeshop and looking at people, drinking a warm beverage
- reading on my phone while the baby slept at the boob
Having some child care, one or two days a week, sounds like a great way to pursue some of your own stuff. If you drop the child off, that's great! If it's in-home care, make sure to be disengaged from the baby by closing a door or leaving the house.
Stay at home parenting was also not remotely what I wanted to do, and going back to work was a giant relief for me. But I also believe that when we are given the chance to take a leave from work we should grab it with both hands. Just don't feel that, since you are not currently at work, you should be 100% on parenting duty. It's a lie that capitalism tells, that there is only 100% work (paid or unpaid) or 100% leisure.
You're doing it right! There are a million ways to do it right.
posted by Lawn Beaver at 12:30 PM on December 30, 2019 [4 favorites]
- library story time
- walks in the outdoors, either wearing the child or using a stroller
- going to the coffeeshop and looking at people, drinking a warm beverage
- reading on my phone while the baby slept at the boob
Having some child care, one or two days a week, sounds like a great way to pursue some of your own stuff. If you drop the child off, that's great! If it's in-home care, make sure to be disengaged from the baby by closing a door or leaving the house.
Stay at home parenting was also not remotely what I wanted to do, and going back to work was a giant relief for me. But I also believe that when we are given the chance to take a leave from work we should grab it with both hands. Just don't feel that, since you are not currently at work, you should be 100% on parenting duty. It's a lie that capitalism tells, that there is only 100% work (paid or unpaid) or 100% leisure.
You're doing it right! There are a million ways to do it right.
posted by Lawn Beaver at 12:30 PM on December 30, 2019 [4 favorites]
Can you keep her in daycare for at least some of the week? Leave is for the baby, but it's also for you! Your body did a very big thing not so long ago and some true rest will help it restore itself. Post-birth parenting and work is not rest. Do things that you love on those days that you have to yourself - museums, movies, a lecture, read for pleasure, etc.
posted by quince at 1:41 PM on December 30, 2019 [4 favorites]
posted by quince at 1:41 PM on December 30, 2019 [4 favorites]
You are not a bad mom. I love my baby to bits but I am so happy to see her happy at daycare!
I’ve been a sahm for a little over a year now (and I cannot wait to go back to work!) and this is how I got through it:
Came up with a loose schedule for the week. This helped me because I like a plan and then I wasn’t wondering what to do all day. So, Monday had a playgroup, Tuesday we visited the library, Wednesday was a museum, etc. I was flexible, but at least I always knew I was going to get out of the house somehow or another. We also always went for a coffee/walk in the morning before her first nap.
So, I always made a point of going outside every single day. This made the days we had to stay home (when she was ill or the weather was too awful) more bearable. Which brings me to my next point.
If your budget allows, invest in some good toys. Help your child learn to start playing independently even if only 10 mins at a time. What are good toys? Whatever the baby likes. I know, not that helpful sorry. But I don’t want to say no plastics or only the wooden Montessori stuff because it really depends on the kid. At that age ours liked: plastic stacking cups, a singing picnic basket shape sorter, a ball rolling structure. I scoured charity shops for toys and rotated often.
Def try and get that one day a week to yourself. I had a habit of doing more baby or house related chores on those days but try and make sure you schedule time for yourself even if it’s just binging on a few episodes on Netflix. Seriously, all day babycare is exhausting and you deserve a brain break.
Look up museums And libraries for baby/toddler activities. Great place to meet other moms. A lot of our playgroups were hosted by local churches. Some had a bit of God talk, some had none. It really depended. I didn’t even mind the God talks, it was low pressure and the playgroup was so well organised I put up with it. Playgrounds are also good once your baby is crawling. Even the swings are good if they are not yet crawling.
Try and organise some evenings out for yourself and your friends.
7-10 months is huge changes! Newborns are pretty boring. But this is the time you will start to see real engagement and interaction with you and their world. Ours started finger foods at 7 months and started crawling at 8 months and then she’s just kept changing every week since then. It’s pretty cool. Hopefully more fun than the newborn stage for you too.
posted by like_neon at 2:27 PM on December 30, 2019 [3 favorites]
I’ve been a sahm for a little over a year now (and I cannot wait to go back to work!) and this is how I got through it:
Came up with a loose schedule for the week. This helped me because I like a plan and then I wasn’t wondering what to do all day. So, Monday had a playgroup, Tuesday we visited the library, Wednesday was a museum, etc. I was flexible, but at least I always knew I was going to get out of the house somehow or another. We also always went for a coffee/walk in the morning before her first nap.
So, I always made a point of going outside every single day. This made the days we had to stay home (when she was ill or the weather was too awful) more bearable. Which brings me to my next point.
If your budget allows, invest in some good toys. Help your child learn to start playing independently even if only 10 mins at a time. What are good toys? Whatever the baby likes. I know, not that helpful sorry. But I don’t want to say no plastics or only the wooden Montessori stuff because it really depends on the kid. At that age ours liked: plastic stacking cups, a singing picnic basket shape sorter, a ball rolling structure. I scoured charity shops for toys and rotated often.
Def try and get that one day a week to yourself. I had a habit of doing more baby or house related chores on those days but try and make sure you schedule time for yourself even if it’s just binging on a few episodes on Netflix. Seriously, all day babycare is exhausting and you deserve a brain break.
Look up museums And libraries for baby/toddler activities. Great place to meet other moms. A lot of our playgroups were hosted by local churches. Some had a bit of God talk, some had none. It really depended. I didn’t even mind the God talks, it was low pressure and the playgroup was so well organised I put up with it. Playgrounds are also good once your baby is crawling. Even the swings are good if they are not yet crawling.
Try and organise some evenings out for yourself and your friends.
7-10 months is huge changes! Newborns are pretty boring. But this is the time you will start to see real engagement and interaction with you and their world. Ours started finger foods at 7 months and started crawling at 8 months and then she’s just kept changing every week since then. It’s pretty cool. Hopefully more fun than the newborn stage for you too.
posted by like_neon at 2:27 PM on December 30, 2019 [3 favorites]
Echoing everyone above. I stayed sane through a combination of...
- Mommy and me/playgroup/ baby activities/playdates
- Leaving the house every day even if it was just a Target run
- Life with baby in tow: grabbing coffee or lunch with a friend, going for a walk, etc.
-Podcasts, audiobooks, etc for mental stimulation while at home
Also, your kid is going to be a lot more interactive now. The newborn phase can be tough, but she's going to be developing a ton in the next three months, and things will be different than they were immediately post partum.
posted by damayanti at 2:55 PM on December 30, 2019 [1 favorite]
- Mommy and me/playgroup/ baby activities/playdates
- Leaving the house every day even if it was just a Target run
- Life with baby in tow: grabbing coffee or lunch with a friend, going for a walk, etc.
-Podcasts, audiobooks, etc for mental stimulation while at home
Also, your kid is going to be a lot more interactive now. The newborn phase can be tough, but she's going to be developing a ton in the next three months, and things will be different than they were immediately post partum.
posted by damayanti at 2:55 PM on December 30, 2019 [1 favorite]
couple of specific things:
1. throw money at your morale. If (for instance) having tasty food made for you by someone else is something that makes you feel good, do it. Identify nearby spots that you can pick up something tasty and healthy, and don't feel bad about spending the money. It's well invested if it makes you feel taken care of.
2. Make sure you have good and easy reading material that you can read while you're nursing. Get yourself set up with an ebook library app or two and get familiar with it so you can have a pipeline of books available to you, in a physical setup that works with one hand. Movies/TV too, if you prefer that.
posted by fingersandtoes at 7:44 PM on December 30, 2019 [2 favorites]
1. throw money at your morale. If (for instance) having tasty food made for you by someone else is something that makes you feel good, do it. Identify nearby spots that you can pick up something tasty and healthy, and don't feel bad about spending the money. It's well invested if it makes you feel taken care of.
2. Make sure you have good and easy reading material that you can read while you're nursing. Get yourself set up with an ebook library app or two and get familiar with it so you can have a pipeline of books available to you, in a physical setup that works with one hand. Movies/TV too, if you prefer that.
posted by fingersandtoes at 7:44 PM on December 30, 2019 [2 favorites]
I felt the same as you about wanting to use my brain, and what helped me a lot was listening to podcasts and audiobooks while parenting. My favorite activity was to go for long neighborhood walks/hikes with the baby while listening to something interesting. I also took a couple of online courses which I slowly cracked through while my baby was napping/asleep for the night.
Also, I bought an e-reader, and found it was a lifesaver for when I was stuck under my sleeping baby in a dark room because the e-reader is backlit and also because I only needed one hand to turn the page and hold the book.
posted by PorcupineQuills at 7:48 PM on December 30, 2019 [2 favorites]
Also, I bought an e-reader, and found it was a lifesaver for when I was stuck under my sleeping baby in a dark room because the e-reader is backlit and also because I only needed one hand to turn the page and hold the book.
posted by PorcupineQuills at 7:48 PM on December 30, 2019 [2 favorites]
I’m about to go back to work after 16 months leave.
At this age they can play independently. Take advantage of it and don’t feel guilty. We got a very large playpen from Amazon and my son will happily sit and play there whilst I do other things elsewhere in the flat.
I also found cooking and feeding the baby something that took up some brain space and did take some thinking. I know it’s not everyone’s cup of tea but learning about baby and toddler nutrition and then applying that knowledge is satisfying.
I got a running pram and run 5K with the baby once a week.
We travelled solo to visit my parents twice (London to Florida). Travelling alone with baby isn’t as difficult as people make out.
I also sleep trained at 9 months old which made my life so much better and easier. I was resistant for a long time but my son is so much more easygoing and fun when both he and I aren’t tired!
No other great tips that haven’t been mentioned already. Try to enjoy the time even though it’s hard sometimes. This age is miles better than hanging out with a newborn!
posted by peanut butter milkshake at 3:21 AM on December 31, 2019 [1 favorite]
At this age they can play independently. Take advantage of it and don’t feel guilty. We got a very large playpen from Amazon and my son will happily sit and play there whilst I do other things elsewhere in the flat.
I also found cooking and feeding the baby something that took up some brain space and did take some thinking. I know it’s not everyone’s cup of tea but learning about baby and toddler nutrition and then applying that knowledge is satisfying.
I got a running pram and run 5K with the baby once a week.
We travelled solo to visit my parents twice (London to Florida). Travelling alone with baby isn’t as difficult as people make out.
I also sleep trained at 9 months old which made my life so much better and easier. I was resistant for a long time but my son is so much more easygoing and fun when both he and I aren’t tired!
No other great tips that haven’t been mentioned already. Try to enjoy the time even though it’s hard sometimes. This age is miles better than hanging out with a newborn!
posted by peanut butter milkshake at 3:21 AM on December 31, 2019 [1 favorite]
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And remember that most people do not excel at every age. I love infants and teenagers but toddlers regularly drive me to the point of rage and grade schoolers bore me to tears. It will probably turn out that a different developmental stage will be your thing.
posted by DarlingBri at 10:13 AM on December 30, 2019 [3 favorites]