Please, please help me stop the dating madness

November 5, 2019 7:58 AM

I am by nature an anxious overthinker. Add to this the fact that I'm now back in the dating pool, 35, female and wanting to find the man that I settle down and have babies with and I am reaching what I think is the zenith of an extremely unhealthy pattern of not being able to see the wood for the trees and stressing myself out needlessly. Please help.

Dating history: quite a few long-term relationships, some lovely and some not. I constantly go over these and regret not yet finding 'the one', even though I ended a fair few... because I didn't feel they were the one.

I go from being cool to panicked in a day or so and find I cant sleep for thinking about whether I need to start having babies on my own or whether current guy I'm dating is the one etc, and it's exhausting. I then start the next day feeling exhausted and it feeds the anxiety. The baby panic is getting big - it feels like timelines will have to be really condensed, and this awareness makes me worry I'll come off as desperate to people I'm dating at the same time as being a real thing that I need to filter for (I'm currently only dating people that actively say they want kids).

I think I have a pattern of not being able to believe when someone's really into me, even when they are, or acting in ways to distance them and then believing it's a self fulfilling prophecy. Not helped by latest relationship which was with an avoidant character who, it seems, actually did seem to be pretending to like me more than he did till I pulled him up on it and he admitted my insecurities were correct.

I don't want to take a break from dating as I really do think that if and when I find someone I feel securely attached to, this will die down. It has in the past. But my age and the sense of an impending deadline is not helping.

Examples of neurotic thinking. This is what my brain does to the text that the guy I'm dating sends:

- 'Sounds great!' re our date = 'He is feigning interest'
- He texts back straight away = 'He wants to get this conversation finished asap'
- He sets up the next date before the end of our last one, yet I'm like 'WHY ISN'T HE TEXTING ME ALL THE TIME' because he's not texting every day, and I find it hard to concentrate or do anything else - which makes the worry worse

This guy is GREAT. Like, on paper and in person. He has been clear he wants the same things that I do, and he has his shit together. He makes me laugh, we get along very well. I should be excited.

Mad, right? I know it and still, it happens. I am in every other way a 'sorted' person - great job, hih level of very good education, nice friends, find it very easy to find guys who want relationships (the vast majority seem to when we go on dates), bla bla bla. Why can't I just grow up and get over this?

But then I worry I'm just picking up on unconscious gut feels that signify there is something to worry about.

I am in therapy, and i'm not keen to try anti anxiety medication as I used it before and whereas it helped in some ways it completely wrecked my sex drive, ability to orgasm and ability to truly connect with people.

Has anyone else gotten over this whilst actively dating, or should I just accept I'm buggered and maybe give up on the whole thing? I don't want to, but I feel like a pathetic needy person right now and it's stressing me out, big time.

Alternatively, I could use this experience as fodder for my next book - 'The neurotic's guide to dating and what things REALLY mean'. That's a kind of baby.

posted by starstarstar to Human Relations (13 answers total)

I'm not keen to try anti anxiety medication as I used it before and whereas it helped in some ways it completely wrecked my sex drive, ability to orgasm and ability to truly connect with people.

There are other anti-anxiety meds that won't do those things.
posted by DarlingBri at 8:18 AM on November 5, 2019 [6 favorites]

Nope, don't give up. But this part stood out to me: I don't want to take a break from dating as I really do think that if and when I find someone I feel securely attached to, this will die down. It has in the past. But my age and the sense of an impending deadline is not helping.

You want this to die down BEFORE you find someone. You want to do this for yourself. Because 1) it's a big thing to ask of someone to do, 2) other people don't want to play that role, 3) what happens if/when that person you're securely attached to is no longer there in 5, 10, 20 years? Does this happen all over again?

If you don't find someone, would you pursue being a single mother? Can you do that? If so, great. Make that a real option for yourself and think about taking steps to pursue that at some point and fulfill your life goals. Do you only want children in the context of a partner/family (of course totally fine!), then can you accept that you only have so much control over that and you very well might get what you want, but you also might not?

You're not a pathetic needy person at all. But your path will be much easier for yourself if you can soothe your own anxieties around this and meet some of your own emotional needs.
posted by namemeansgazelle at 8:22 AM on November 5, 2019 [7 favorites]

Long answer alert:

Here's what worked for me after a few years of increasingly frenzied dating & biological clock anxiety, similar to what you're describing. I started to really wrap my head around what my life would be like to NOT have kids and marriage (which I desperately, firmly wanted). At first it was terrifying and very, very emotionally upsetting. I had to work through a whole mess of tangled, related stuff with my therapist and each session was extremely daunting. But it slowly started to become a positive process.

It took me a few months, but I slowly started visualizing the day to day of a partner-less, childless life more and more. (Note - it's not that my goal was to stop desiring a partner and children, the goal was to stop having that desire make me a total neurotic mess when it came to dating and frankly other parts of my life too). I started visualizing who I would hang out with, what I would do with my days, what would give me meaning. And I slowly started to focus more on those things and people and activities than on putting yet more energy into The Search For the One.

And now in my dating life, I'm really able to focus on the person in front of me when I meet up with someone, rather than the potential someone has as A Father To My Future Children. (Incidentally, this has also helped me come to terms with my queerness, because I'm no longer limiting myself to dating people who could biologically get me pregnant). It's working out pretty well. Dating is actually kind of relaxing and fun now. (I know!) I now feel that, "worst case" scenario, I could have a pretty baller life as a single childless person. The people I date now, I do so because I genuinely like their company and the ease with which we connect.

(Also, I now take a mood stabilizer and an SSRI that I had never taken before (started around the same time as the intense therapy), as I had always been staunchly anti-meds. I have completely changed my tune and I am now sure that they have helped me to handle my own and others' expectations in a more even-keeled way.)
posted by seemoorglass at 8:27 AM on November 5, 2019 [16 favorites]

Don’t give up, and be kind to yourself. The fertility countdown pressure is real—I went through this too. It really does magnify more general relationship anxiety, and if you have had any struggles with finding yourself in relationships where your needs aren’t met, you’ve got to work on that now, ideally with a trusted therapist.

In my case, what I really wanted was the baby part, and I wish I had more seriously examined becoming a single mother. If you are open to that possibility as backup, or if you are open to being childfree, either would afford you some breathing room to be choosy with potential mates on the basis of compatibility without the ticking clock.

Honor yourself and your needs. Calming your anxiety with the guidance of a care provider (and potentially meds!) will allow your authentic self to drive your decisions in your one wild and precious life.

Also, you have time to take a 6-12 mo break from dating! If you are worried, you could look into freezing some eggs (I did this and conceived this way). Sending love your way, friend.
posted by bioubiou at 9:04 AM on November 5, 2019 [4 favorites]

Get all your ducks in a row to have kids on your own. Referral to a clinic, fertility assessments, etc. You can stop at any point in the process, it's not that you HAVE to have kids on your own. But I think going after what you want in a direct way (rather than convincing yourself that you MUST get a partner before your life can "start") might feel really empowering and give you a different perspective on dating.

And yes, new relationship energy can feel like horrible, all-consuming anxiety! Totally been there. Try to re-frame it as excitement. As in, "this is an exciting time!" "I am excited to start getting to know this person!" etc. Try to live in the moment when it comes to this person, enjoy your time with them, and be very present rather than trying to read every text message and date for hints into what your future might hold.

If dating is too stressful to be enjoyable, you have my permission to take a break. If you want to go on dates and hook up and you are getting some enjoyment out of it, then stay in the game. It's up to you, it's about what you want. You have agency and choice and power here, and don't let your fears tell you that you don't.
posted by rue72 at 9:14 AM on November 5, 2019 [4 favorites]

Wait, are you still currently dating the “great” guy? For how long? My experience with my husband, unlike other men, was pretty much along the lines of “knew we really liked each other right away, it wasn’t ambiguous, it became clear we were serious quickly.” I’d say within 3 months certainly. Is he not reassuring you by doing all the right things? My dating anxiety went away with the right person, which makes me think it wasn’t really me that was the whole problem all along.
posted by stockpuppet at 9:24 AM on November 5, 2019 [3 favorites]

FYI I am also a 35 year old unmarried woman who went through this very recently too.This isn't about a need to grow up. On the contrary, the fear you are feeling and projecting into your dating life is a reflection of your acceptance of the very unpleasant and mature reality that, while there's no reason to assume you won't find a partner and have children, it might not happen or look exactly like you hope it will. This anxiety response is you mining for a sign that will never come from an outside source - namely, these dudes - that it's going to happen.

The only real answer here is to make peace with the worst case scenario. Do whatever works best for you to surrender to your fear and make a long term backup plan that hopefully you never have to initiate. Otherwise you will continue to evaluate your dating prospects like checklists instead of people and struggle to actually connect with someone who may be right for you...and also may not look how you expect or work out on a timeline you had in mind.

For me, I did eventually get over my anxiety, and I am now in a relationship that is easily the best one of my life...only to be surprised to discover that there are still a ton of unknowns that don't go away, even with our values being the same on paper. I've found entirely new and scarier fears - Do we actually want kids? CAN we have kids? What if he dies suddenly? It's more terrifying to negotiate a real partnership than I ever imagined it would be, work that I've never done and feels very high stakes, even with both of us in a place of commitment. It was much easier to believe I'd find one human that was just the right fit and it would all go away. In my case, it turned out the right fit in many ways gave me more problems to grapple with, but they are certainly of higher quality and bring me more satisfaction than the ones I had before.

Best of luck and may you be surprised with better problems very soon. :)
posted by amycup at 9:38 AM on November 5, 2019 [3 favorites]

Seconding stockpuppet as well - if things feel very ambiguous, that might be worth taking seriously. There are plenty of things that are still stressful and intense when you meet someone who is the real deal, but long stretches of fearing they aren't into you generally shouldn't be one of them.
posted by amycup at 9:50 AM on November 5, 2019 [1 favorite]

Don't waste your time with ambiguous relationships. All of my friends who met their long-term partners in their late 20s or 30s (as opposed to in their early 20s) knew very soon that it was serious - within a matter of a few months. They didn't spend their time analysing texts because they didn't have to. They moved in together quickly (I moved in with my husband after 3 weeks actually, though of course that is unusual) and got married relatively quickly too, after one or two years. And these people had been neurotic messes in other relationships (myself included), but that was because those other relationships were with avoidant people who didn't want the same things as them (though they sometimes said they did) and didn't want to show up.

If someone isn't showing they are really into you early on, I would leave it.

Also, reconsider anxiety meds, or persisting with them. I lost my ability to orgasm for a couple of months when I was starting out but I just persisted and then it was like everything balanced out and my sex drive came back. I also met and fell in love with my husband when I was on meds, and have stayed deeply in love for a number of years now. They don't necessarily make it so you 'can't connect'. You have to find the right one. My family often jokes that my husband benefited from me being medicated, and actually that is true to an extent. My anxiety has never interfered with our relationship. So yeah, only spend time on people who show up and reconsider meds would be my advice.
posted by thereader at 11:10 AM on November 5, 2019 [5 favorites]

It sounds like you have some patterns that come up regardless of the person you’re dating. It’s all well and good to say, “If I find someone good for me, I won’t feel these anxieties.” But it also sounds like you have a very negative filter.

Those things you listed — setting up the next date at the end of your current date, responding quickly via text — are things I would find reassuring.

It’s also important to articulate what you want and need. How long have you been seeing this guy? Do you want to hear from him everyday? That might be a bit much two weeks in, but not after a few months. Have a conversation about all these things. Know what you want and ask for it.

For what it’s worth, I think when you’re in a relationship is a great time to work through this with a therapist. My partner and I have some repeating conversation habits that aren’t great, but we’ve been working through them, partly by articulating all this kind of stuff to each other when things go a bit askew. And my therapist is helping me figure out my cognitive distortions.
posted by bluedaisy at 7:49 PM on November 5, 2019

It's also worth unpacking and decatastrophizing the reality that many, many people find "the one," feel absolutely certain this is "the one," start a life together, have kids, and get divorced. It might be worth exploring what would happen if you did make a mistake in whom you chose to have kids with. How would you manage? How would you and the kids be OK? Thinking this through and talking it through with a therapist might help with the anxiety.
posted by shadygrove at 8:05 PM on November 5, 2019 [2 favorites]

a very practical idea for you: use a messaging platform that allows sending voice memos. clearly in 2019 saying something like "i don't text" is just too radical/unthinkable thought for most people, so I will restrain myself from advocating "just call him like it's 1999"....

so here's my tip: I have found the woefully underutilized voice memo feature to be a really helpful tool!! you get something awesome that thousands of years of human evolution, rather than the last 15 years of late stage capitalism, have brought us - you get tone of voice. let me tell you, as someone who finds text messaging with new people to often be unnecessarily anxiety provoking, this approach solves a plethora of woes!!

* does not rely on phone voicemail, which these days some of us seem not to listen to very regularly. ( though, if you want to send a phone voicemail without risking interrupting someone with a phone call, try slydial)

* no more text message as field for projection of all one's anxiety's most catastrophic scenarios

* emotional content so much easier/faster to convey than in text.

I usually playfully initiate this by just randomly sending a voice memo.. often folks are so pleased and surprised.. and send one back : ) et viola, less text anxiety.

iMessages has this feature, just press and hold mic icon. WhatsApp has this, and telegram. Android sms may have this.. I'm afraid my android device lacks a sim card and is running an older OS so, not sure there.

I get the "solve the big anxiety problem" angle.. but .. just throwing into the mix my deep seated belief that part of this problem is * not * an individual problem: the way we communicate in 2019 is, IMO, at real odds with the way humans are designed. Almost everyone i know, self identified as anxious or not, women and men and non binary folks, almost everyone has a story of miscommunication, crossed wires, and angst caused by , in one way or another, the new default mode of communicating we have, aka the asynchronous text message, made even briefer lately by the advent of on screen keyboards (cheaper for smart phone makers to manufacture than qwerty button keyboards but slower to type on.)

this way of communication we have these days did not come about bc some sincere working group or progressive advisory board of sociologist types suggested to telecom companies that it would be a really great social good for us to be able to text : it came about because it was a way for cellular providers to rake in more money charging for texting data plans while not having to spend any more on their end to provide the service.
posted by elgee at 8:33 AM on November 6, 2019

Would it help you to have some information so you know where you stand, fertility-wise? Sometimes not knowing can itself be stressful and put too much pressure on any dating situation. Get a referral to a good reproductive endocrinologist from your OB-GYN and find out what your options are.

I would not rule out anti-anxiety meds either. You don't have to live like this and you don't have to choose between your mental health and your sex life.
posted by *s at 9:05 AM on November 6, 2019