Big house for a little person?
October 20, 2019 2:55 AM Subscribe
My marriage is ending. The house is mine if I want it. Do I?
Anonymous because I don't think I want to look at this in my history for the next umpteen years.
My marriage (substantial duration, no kids) is ending after years of struggle to keep it together. It's no less painful for being the right thing to do. One of the things to deal with is the house, where I'm still living since my spouse moved out months ago. We have this house because spouse fell in love with it at first sight. It was arguably a practical choice at the time, but I didn't love it, argued against it, gave up arguing, found a few things to like about it, knuckled under. It's in a neighborhood I'm thoroughly ambivalent about, mostly because I love walking and it's a terrible area for that, all busy roads and steep hills without sidewalks and noplace much to walk to if you dared to. Local taxes are very high for reasons that mostly don't benefit someone in my position. Except in spring when the trees bloom gloriously all around, it's just a bland bedroom community in a convenient location.
The house isn't really big, but it's at least half-again the size of the one I grew up in so it feels big. It would be a nice size for three or four people, but with just me and half the furniture gone it feels like a cereal box that's down to the rattly dregs.
On the other hand, it's a non-onerous commuting distance from work. I can afford to live here, and because property values have been climbing since we bought it I'm not sure I'd like what I could afford elsewhere much better. Most importantly, this was a move to a new city so my neighbors are the only local relationships I have outside of work, and there are several I truly like. Now and then I get neighbor hugs. I feel valued, and recoil at the thought of adding to my losses by making myself a stranger elsewhere. I also like being a homeowner. I'd hate to have a landlord again. And I'm old enough to doubt that happiness is a place I can move to.
Finally, the house needs some attention before it would be attractive on the market, and for Reasons any work that would get done would fall to me. There's something appealing about the idea of keeping it and making it more like the sort of place I'd actually like rather than the bland hollowness it is now, but being that I'm in the midst of the whole divorce and mourning process I worry that I'd be slip into shaping it to fit a sort of life I'm not actually living.
I guess I have multiple questions. A specific one might be, what can a single person do with a bigger-than-necessary house that doesn't just ring with loneliness and futility? A more general one might be, what did you learn if you've been through a similar transition? Yet another might be, what is the obvious question I should be asking but have overlooked?
Anonymous because I don't think I want to look at this in my history for the next umpteen years.
My marriage (substantial duration, no kids) is ending after years of struggle to keep it together. It's no less painful for being the right thing to do. One of the things to deal with is the house, where I'm still living since my spouse moved out months ago. We have this house because spouse fell in love with it at first sight. It was arguably a practical choice at the time, but I didn't love it, argued against it, gave up arguing, found a few things to like about it, knuckled under. It's in a neighborhood I'm thoroughly ambivalent about, mostly because I love walking and it's a terrible area for that, all busy roads and steep hills without sidewalks and noplace much to walk to if you dared to. Local taxes are very high for reasons that mostly don't benefit someone in my position. Except in spring when the trees bloom gloriously all around, it's just a bland bedroom community in a convenient location.
The house isn't really big, but it's at least half-again the size of the one I grew up in so it feels big. It would be a nice size for three or four people, but with just me and half the furniture gone it feels like a cereal box that's down to the rattly dregs.
On the other hand, it's a non-onerous commuting distance from work. I can afford to live here, and because property values have been climbing since we bought it I'm not sure I'd like what I could afford elsewhere much better. Most importantly, this was a move to a new city so my neighbors are the only local relationships I have outside of work, and there are several I truly like. Now and then I get neighbor hugs. I feel valued, and recoil at the thought of adding to my losses by making myself a stranger elsewhere. I also like being a homeowner. I'd hate to have a landlord again. And I'm old enough to doubt that happiness is a place I can move to.
Finally, the house needs some attention before it would be attractive on the market, and for Reasons any work that would get done would fall to me. There's something appealing about the idea of keeping it and making it more like the sort of place I'd actually like rather than the bland hollowness it is now, but being that I'm in the midst of the whole divorce and mourning process I worry that I'd be slip into shaping it to fit a sort of life I'm not actually living.
I guess I have multiple questions. A specific one might be, what can a single person do with a bigger-than-necessary house that doesn't just ring with loneliness and futility? A more general one might be, what did you learn if you've been through a similar transition? Yet another might be, what is the obvious question I should be asking but have overlooked?
Good advice from penguin pie. The vast majority of those I know who’ve divorced and kept their former marital homes (always with the intention of holding onto them) have eventually sold them. Two reasons that I’ve heard more than once were, “I was tired of being reminded of my ex every day” and “I don’t want to bring my new partner here.”
Also, taking care of a “too big” house can be a frustrating and enervating endeavor, especially for a house you don’t love. Don’t underestimate the financial burden: the costs of insuring, maintaining, heating, cooling, and even cleaning larger homes can really add up. (You already mentioned the high taxes!) It’d be better, I’d think, to devote your energy and time into making a new home align with your individual personality, style, and taste.
Your dislike of the house seems evident to me when I read your question. From my perspective the cons of staying clearly outweigh the pros. You can stay in touch with former neighbors and I suspect you can move to a home, condo, or apartment within reasonable commuting distance of your workplace that has the walkability and smaller size you seek.
posted by cheapskatebay at 3:47 AM on October 20, 2019 [4 favorites]
Also, taking care of a “too big” house can be a frustrating and enervating endeavor, especially for a house you don’t love. Don’t underestimate the financial burden: the costs of insuring, maintaining, heating, cooling, and even cleaning larger homes can really add up. (You already mentioned the high taxes!) It’d be better, I’d think, to devote your energy and time into making a new home align with your individual personality, style, and taste.
Your dislike of the house seems evident to me when I read your question. From my perspective the cons of staying clearly outweigh the pros. You can stay in touch with former neighbors and I suspect you can move to a home, condo, or apartment within reasonable commuting distance of your workplace that has the walkability and smaller size you seek.
posted by cheapskatebay at 3:47 AM on October 20, 2019 [4 favorites]
Just to add - waiting also has the advantage that if you do move down the line, you can do it in a way that accommodates all the positive new things that will (I promise!) start to enter your new life as you reshape it and grow into it. In a year’s time you might really want somewhere you can store a kayak, or host your craft group, or walk a dog, or get to your art classes.
posted by penguin pie at 3:55 AM on October 20, 2019 [13 favorites]
posted by penguin pie at 3:55 AM on October 20, 2019 [13 favorites]
‘Yes’ to earlier answers, but adding that you may consider, rather than taking in lodgers, signing in as a host with a short-term rental service like AirBnb. I live alone (with 3 dogs) in a much-too-big house (that I chose and love), and it’s an interesting challenge and (usually) pleasure that avoids the pitfalls of taking in a long-term housemate. It could help start redirecting you from mourning the marriage, and open up new windows. It works for me because the space I rent has a separate entrance, but even if it didn’t, I would invest in constructing one. (AirBnb seems to serve owner-occupied listings more than some of the other services.). Anyway, good luck - you sound like you have a good head in your shoulders, and your feet on the ground, so you will get through this time in good shape eventually.
posted by mmiddle at 5:17 AM on October 20, 2019 [2 favorites]
posted by mmiddle at 5:17 AM on October 20, 2019 [2 favorites]
penguin pie said basically what I was going to say. Make no major life decisions until a year after whatever traumatic situation your're going through. A year isn't really that long and you'd be surprised how much you change in that time.
posted by james33 at 5:23 AM on October 20, 2019 [10 favorites]
posted by james33 at 5:23 AM on October 20, 2019 [10 favorites]
Nthing that you don’t have to make a decision now. If the house does not have to be sold to buy out your husband just sit with it for a bit.
You can now explore all (cheap to implement) decor and use choices your husband objected to. If the house feels empty and drab that’s ok. Work out how you’d like to use the space and what furniture or furnishings you want and see what you can get cheap used and get it. If you always wanted a craft room, office, fitness/ meditation space in your house now is the time to get that. If it feels extravagant to spread out so much that’s ok. In fact that’d Be an excellent reason to do it because you’ve got a unique opportunity here. And by doing this without investing much money you’re not being wasteful. Also consider the benefits of a fresh coat of paint. That doesn’t have to cost an arm an a leg eg if you just paint walls or an accent wall. If that makes it feel more your own I’d head to the DIY store right now.
If you want or have to offset some of the cost of running and maintaining the place, lodgers are a valid option.
In the meantime you can go and explore what you could sell the house for, get a valuation if that wasn’t already part of the process to split assets in the divorce.
Work out where you’d like to live and work out what you could afford there. Just know you have time to make that decision.
posted by koahiatamadl at 5:24 AM on October 20, 2019 [2 favorites]
You can now explore all (cheap to implement) decor and use choices your husband objected to. If the house feels empty and drab that’s ok. Work out how you’d like to use the space and what furniture or furnishings you want and see what you can get cheap used and get it. If you always wanted a craft room, office, fitness/ meditation space in your house now is the time to get that. If it feels extravagant to spread out so much that’s ok. In fact that’d Be an excellent reason to do it because you’ve got a unique opportunity here. And by doing this without investing much money you’re not being wasteful. Also consider the benefits of a fresh coat of paint. That doesn’t have to cost an arm an a leg eg if you just paint walls or an accent wall. If that makes it feel more your own I’d head to the DIY store right now.
If you want or have to offset some of the cost of running and maintaining the place, lodgers are a valid option.
In the meantime you can go and explore what you could sell the house for, get a valuation if that wasn’t already part of the process to split assets in the divorce.
Work out where you’d like to live and work out what you could afford there. Just know you have time to make that decision.
posted by koahiatamadl at 5:24 AM on October 20, 2019 [2 favorites]
A family member did the Air BnB while waiting for market improvements to cash in on a house. A big reason was that significant relationships had ended so they were living alone in the house suddenly, and it felt way too big and roomy. One part was to a nice roommate and another room was air b'n'b'd which meant they could take a vacation from having people stay when they wanted to go on holiday or have frequent guests when they felt sociable. It meant money coming in and a social motivation to keep the place looking good and tidy and to fix it up.
posted by dorothyisunderwood at 5:49 AM on October 20, 2019 [2 favorites]
posted by dorothyisunderwood at 5:49 AM on October 20, 2019 [2 favorites]
All the above but one thought, get practical advice from experts, current real estate folks, about which projects will improve the property effectively.
posted by sammyo at 6:01 AM on October 20, 2019 [1 favorite]
posted by sammyo at 6:01 AM on October 20, 2019 [1 favorite]
Wait a year and then buy an apartment or condo in a neighbourhood that's more you!
posted by DarlingBri at 6:35 AM on October 20, 2019 [5 favorites]
posted by DarlingBri at 6:35 AM on October 20, 2019 [5 favorites]
There are lots of hobbies that people can’t do because they involve space that isn’t available in their residence. If you have ever thought of things like that, this might be your chance to put a wood shop in the basement, or a quilting studio, or to do sculpture or ... well, there’s no way I can guess what you might find compelling. Point being that empty space can be a luxury to some folks. Maybe it could be to you too.
Of course, some of these kinds of things are easily reversible and won’t affect resale value, others not so much. Just a thought.
posted by Gilgamesh's Chauffeur at 7:33 AM on October 20, 2019 [2 favorites]
Of course, some of these kinds of things are easily reversible and won’t affect resale value, others not so much. Just a thought.
posted by Gilgamesh's Chauffeur at 7:33 AM on October 20, 2019 [2 favorites]
make a call, once you’re out of the initial shock of the divorce
This. Making seriously financially consequential decisions while emotionally jangled is best avoided to the greatest extent possible.
posted by flabdablet at 7:37 AM on October 20, 2019 [9 favorites]
This. Making seriously financially consequential decisions while emotionally jangled is best avoided to the greatest extent possible.
posted by flabdablet at 7:37 AM on October 20, 2019 [9 favorites]
This may or may not be up your alley. But when I owned a home with an extra bedroom, I enjoyed hosting refugees recently resettled in the US for Catholic Charities. There are other organizations who contract with the federal government (if you’re in the US - may differ in other countries) to handle resettlement, depending on your area.
My CC program locally paid up to $300/month, in case you needed the assistance to afford sharing your space, but you were welcome to set a cheaper rate if it worked for you.
My CC caseworker (who was Muslim — no requirement to be associated with the Catholic Church at all) found me folks who were a good fit, arranged translation to communicate if necessary, and set them up with a volunteer who was basically a “life coach” teaching them basics like how to use the local bus system. I only had time to be a landlord and a friendly face, and that was okay.
If there’s really no public transit, I guess this might not be an option for you. But I wanted to mention it just in case.
posted by cnidaria at 7:48 AM on October 20, 2019 [15 favorites]
My CC program locally paid up to $300/month, in case you needed the assistance to afford sharing your space, but you were welcome to set a cheaper rate if it worked for you.
My CC caseworker (who was Muslim — no requirement to be associated with the Catholic Church at all) found me folks who were a good fit, arranged translation to communicate if necessary, and set them up with a volunteer who was basically a “life coach” teaching them basics like how to use the local bus system. I only had time to be a landlord and a friendly face, and that was okay.
If there’s really no public transit, I guess this might not be an option for you. But I wanted to mention it just in case.
posted by cnidaria at 7:48 AM on October 20, 2019 [15 favorites]
Also a recent divorcée (long marriage, no kids), also kept the (small) house...
I'm with penguin pie; you can make this decision when you feel able, which is very likely not now. You could consider keeping an eye on house listings, to get a better idea of where you might go and what you might buy if you decide to sell.
Something that helped me evict the ex's spectre is making a "me" space (well, me and the cats) via rearranging some things and buying art at local art fairs. I also completely redid what had been "his" space, turning it into a guest room. (No AirBNB for me -- house only has the one teensy bathroom.) A dilapidated backyard shed that had been a bone of contention between us is now gone, and I just planted native plants where it had been.
I wish you well. I am feeling somewhat better, and I hope the same for you.
posted by humbug at 8:54 AM on October 20, 2019 [2 favorites]
I'm with penguin pie; you can make this decision when you feel able, which is very likely not now. You could consider keeping an eye on house listings, to get a better idea of where you might go and what you might buy if you decide to sell.
Something that helped me evict the ex's spectre is making a "me" space (well, me and the cats) via rearranging some things and buying art at local art fairs. I also completely redid what had been "his" space, turning it into a guest room. (No AirBNB for me -- house only has the one teensy bathroom.) A dilapidated backyard shed that had been a bone of contention between us is now gone, and I just planted native plants where it had been.
I wish you well. I am feeling somewhat better, and I hope the same for you.
posted by humbug at 8:54 AM on October 20, 2019 [2 favorites]
I kept the house when I got divorced and other than converting her workroom into a full-on guest bedroom I left the rest pretty much alone. There were rooms that didn’t get used for weeks at a time, but if I’m honest with two full-time careers they weren’t getting used much anyway.
The current place I live is much too big for me, but I could pretty easily convert the back into an AirBnB space. If fact that’s what I said I was going to do when I bought the place, but I never seem to find the time. Lately I’ve been considering converting it into an art studio instead.
In any case I haven’t found having a few extra rooms around that much of a burden.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 9:45 AM on October 20, 2019
The current place I live is much too big for me, but I could pretty easily convert the back into an AirBnB space. If fact that’s what I said I was going to do when I bought the place, but I never seem to find the time. Lately I’ve been considering converting it into an art studio instead.
In any case I haven’t found having a few extra rooms around that much of a burden.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 9:45 AM on October 20, 2019
It makes sense to fix whatever needs to be fixed as soon as possible. Maybe get a roommate or even 2. No hurry, you can be as picky as you want. But I'd plan to find something you really like, then sell this house. You have the luxury of taking your time.
posted by theora55 at 12:25 PM on October 20, 2019 [1 favorite]
posted by theora55 at 12:25 PM on October 20, 2019 [1 favorite]
Nthing that it seems reasonable to hold off on this decision for a while to allow yourself time to feel things out. My sense is that if you do move, it'd be a better idea to be moving towards something obviously better for you than to move because you don't know that homeownership of a largish house is right for you.
posted by Aleyn at 12:52 PM on October 20, 2019
posted by Aleyn at 12:52 PM on October 20, 2019
I'm a single person in a largeish space (for a single person in my city). I'm a singer, so I've made the largest room into a rehearsal space, with a piano, an abusable wooden floor and furniture that's easy to move around: chairs and a small folding table, no sofas or large things other than the piano.
I hire it out to singers, voice teachers, theatre companies, opera companies, chamber music groups, people holding auditions, and anyone else who needs space. I charge less than most other studios, so I don't feel guilty if it's not immaculately tidy. Occasionally I'll let a group use the space for free, if they're working in a good cause or on a real shoestring budget. Or I'll swap free use of the room for catsitting. (When someone books the room, I always tell them "Tell your cast/students/colleagues there are cats present, in case of allergies")
I find this helps to stave off loneliness, while also ensuring that I get the solitude I need (which AirB&B might not). It makes the cats happy by giving them a cavalcade of new friends. It keeps me in touch with other artists.
So depending on your profession and interests, maybe hiring out a room as a workspace of some kind would be an idea.
Wishing you all the best. Hope everything goes as smoothly as possible.
posted by Pallas Athena at 3:15 PM on October 20, 2019 [4 favorites]
I hire it out to singers, voice teachers, theatre companies, opera companies, chamber music groups, people holding auditions, and anyone else who needs space. I charge less than most other studios, so I don't feel guilty if it's not immaculately tidy. Occasionally I'll let a group use the space for free, if they're working in a good cause or on a real shoestring budget. Or I'll swap free use of the room for catsitting. (When someone books the room, I always tell them "Tell your cast/students/colleagues there are cats present, in case of allergies")
I find this helps to stave off loneliness, while also ensuring that I get the solitude I need (which AirB&B might not). It makes the cats happy by giving them a cavalcade of new friends. It keeps me in touch with other artists.
So depending on your profession and interests, maybe hiring out a room as a workspace of some kind would be an idea.
Wishing you all the best. Hope everything goes as smoothly as possible.
posted by Pallas Athena at 3:15 PM on October 20, 2019 [4 favorites]
US-centric response: if Redfin is available in your area, check out their concierge program. If I understood it correctly, they take care of all the necessary repairs needed to get a place on the market, and in Seattle at least they still take less of a commission than regular brokers. I mention this in case it helps remove a variable from your decision making: suppose it were easy to get out of the property, what would you choose then?
posted by rouftop at 6:02 PM on October 20, 2019
posted by rouftop at 6:02 PM on October 20, 2019
I would probably:
Keep the house while the divorce is in progress. One thing at a time.
Buy/change a few things, in exactly your taste, even if weird, to mark it as yours. Paint a wall? New sofa? New bedding and shower curtain for sure. Rearrange the living room. Buy yourself flowers, candles, cozy blankets, a rug-- whatever it takes to make the space feel nice.
Warm up the space and bring in your people by hosting a weekly dinner party or games night.
Use the space productively by exercising in it, and maybe doing something creative if you lean that way- play an instrument, paint, dance around lip synching to bad 80s music.
Consider whether you can make some money renting out part of the space, either on AirBnB or by travelling and subletting. Invest some money into this if it seems doable, in ways that will up your home's resale value.
Daydream about travel you might take, or cities you might relocate to. Take a trip or two to sniff out options, if feasible.
Once the divorce is done and behind you, you'll have more headspace to find clarity about what to do next. There's no rush!
posted by nouvelle-personne at 7:52 PM on October 20, 2019
Keep the house while the divorce is in progress. One thing at a time.
Buy/change a few things, in exactly your taste, even if weird, to mark it as yours. Paint a wall? New sofa? New bedding and shower curtain for sure. Rearrange the living room. Buy yourself flowers, candles, cozy blankets, a rug-- whatever it takes to make the space feel nice.
Warm up the space and bring in your people by hosting a weekly dinner party or games night.
Use the space productively by exercising in it, and maybe doing something creative if you lean that way- play an instrument, paint, dance around lip synching to bad 80s music.
Consider whether you can make some money renting out part of the space, either on AirBnB or by travelling and subletting. Invest some money into this if it seems doable, in ways that will up your home's resale value.
Daydream about travel you might take, or cities you might relocate to. Take a trip or two to sniff out options, if feasible.
Once the divorce is done and behind you, you'll have more headspace to find clarity about what to do next. There's no rush!
posted by nouvelle-personne at 7:52 PM on October 20, 2019
This thread is closed to new comments.
On the neighbours front, you can keep these people as friends even if you move. One way I built up friend circles in new cities in the past was by making friends with my colleagues, moving jobs, keeping those old colleagues as friends, befriending new colleagues, etc. So you could perhaps do the same with your neighbours.
In terms of what else you could do with the house - take in a lodger or two, sounds like you can afford to be picky and choose people whose company you’d enjoy rather than just randoms. Enjoy the life they bring to the house and save their rent towards a house you’d prefer in future, or blow it on an amazing holiday to celebrate the new chapter of your life. Potential bonus: More new friends if you get lucky with your lodgers.
posted by penguin pie at 3:13 AM on October 20, 2019 [29 favorites]