How do you interact with people begging at street corners?
August 5, 2019 11:43 AM Subscribe
My small American city has had a large growth in homeless people in the past few years, and my neighborhood has gone from having nobody visibly begging, to several corners where there are people all day (not at night). What is the best thing for me to do when I'm driving and and am approached at a red light by someone asking for money, or when walking down the street?
I don't want to be an asshole and ignore them, but I also hate the whole situation and don't want to do anything that makes it appealing. I am approached many times a day, especially at the highway off-ramp.
Usually it's one man or woman with a sign, but lately there have been more single adults with children. There are a few men who behave erratically but most of the people are just people who are asking for money and there's no threat to me other than the disturbance. There are some regulars, and mostly people who I don't recognize from day to day.
I don't want to be an asshole and ignore them, but I also hate the whole situation and don't want to do anything that makes it appealing. I am approached many times a day, especially at the highway off-ramp.
Usually it's one man or woman with a sign, but lately there have been more single adults with children. There are a few men who behave erratically but most of the people are just people who are asking for money and there's no threat to me other than the disturbance. There are some regulars, and mostly people who I don't recognize from day to day.
If I'm walking, I give a half-smile and say "Sorry" (same as I would for anyone soliciting me on the sidewalk) while I keep walking. If I'm in my car, I ignore.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 11:50 AM on August 5, 2019 [6 favorites]
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 11:50 AM on August 5, 2019 [6 favorites]
Give them money, and work on your hate of the situation. Get involved politically to help change the situation. Once someone is desperate enough to beg I feel that it’s not about me or my feelings. As long as it’s safe to do so, I give. None of this is meant to condemn you. It’s normal to feel awkward about the situation. If you absolutely won’t do this, windykites answer is good.
posted by Mistress at 11:52 AM on August 5, 2019 [9 favorites]
posted by Mistress at 11:52 AM on August 5, 2019 [9 favorites]
I don't know how you _should_ interact with them, but, to answer the question in your title, here's how I interact with them.
If they're on the sidewalk, I give them a dollar or two and stop to look them in the eye and ask them how they are. I don't care what they use the money for. My goal is to acknowledge them as humans who know their own situations and can be trusted to make their own decisions.
If they're in the road I usually tell them, "No thank you," because I don't want to encourage people to stand in the road. Sometimes I do cave and give them a buck though.
It's an imperfect solution to a bad situation, but it's what I've settled on.
posted by missrachael at 11:53 AM on August 5, 2019 [9 favorites]
If they're on the sidewalk, I give them a dollar or two and stop to look them in the eye and ask them how they are. I don't care what they use the money for. My goal is to acknowledge them as humans who know their own situations and can be trusted to make their own decisions.
If they're in the road I usually tell them, "No thank you," because I don't want to encourage people to stand in the road. Sometimes I do cave and give them a buck though.
It's an imperfect solution to a bad situation, but it's what I've settled on.
posted by missrachael at 11:53 AM on August 5, 2019 [9 favorites]
There are a lot of homeless people in my town here in Oregon, as well. I pretty much expect to be asked for money any time I walk through certain areas - it's just a fact of life right here, right now. 4/5 times I don't give them any money, and my response is generally to look them in the eye and say something along the lines of "not today, sorry" while I keep walking. If they ask a question I will sometimes stop to respond, sometimes not, depending on my mood and where I'm going - but generally I just try to treat them like people while simultaneously remaining certain that "no" is an answer I am comfortable giving. FWIW, I'm a middle-aged white person who reads as female, and I walk alone pretty frequently, though usually in daylight.
Windykites, I would be interested in knowing more about your perspective and why you recommend no engagement, if you're up for sharing.
posted by DingoMutt at 11:55 AM on August 5, 2019 [4 favorites]
Windykites, I would be interested in knowing more about your perspective and why you recommend no engagement, if you're up for sharing.
posted by DingoMutt at 11:55 AM on August 5, 2019 [4 favorites]
I give them a dollar, look them in the eye, and wish them good luck. If I don't have any cash for some reason, I say, "I'm sorry, I can't help you today," and keep walking. (In the car, I just shake my head.)
[This is on the assumption that the person in question doesn't seem erratic in a way that could be dangerous. In that case, I don't engage.]
I also have a monthly donation set to donate to what I feel is the best homeless-oriented charitable organization in my city, and I support politicians and political movements which are focused on helping make sure everyone has access to safe, affordable housing.
posted by Countess Sandwich at 11:59 AM on August 5, 2019 [7 favorites]
[This is on the assumption that the person in question doesn't seem erratic in a way that could be dangerous. In that case, I don't engage.]
I also have a monthly donation set to donate to what I feel is the best homeless-oriented charitable organization in my city, and I support politicians and political movements which are focused on helping make sure everyone has access to safe, affordable housing.
posted by Countess Sandwich at 11:59 AM on August 5, 2019 [7 favorites]
1. Sometimes people who are begging can be scary/aggro. I try to assess out of the corner of my eye and move past quickly/not open a car window if I'm driving in that case. White men are the most likely to be scary, IME.
2. In general, I carry around a pocket of change/ones and give people something. I keep this money separate from any other money I might be carrying to avoid any awkwardness. This also helps me avoid giving over my budget - I have X amount to give, and when it's gone it's gone. (Unless there are special circumstances.)
I too live in a city that went from very few homeless people to a huge number in the course of a couple of years. I've always given people money when I have some on me, and I have really only had about two experiences ever that were scary. I've had to be a little firm with people who are pushy or running a con, but that's about it. Being comfortable with telling people "no" if they ask for more than you want to give is just something to get used to.
Also, if it is very hot consider offering to get people water if they're begging outside a store. (Or soda if that's what they want.) It's cheap and helpful.
Honestly, the homeless problem here has gotten so bad that it's extremely disheartening. I never minded giving people money before even when it was crusty punks spanging, but I particularly don't mind now because it's so obvious that something is very, very wrong and will take a long time to create political pressure to fix.
posted by Frowner at 12:01 PM on August 5, 2019 [28 favorites]
2. In general, I carry around a pocket of change/ones and give people something. I keep this money separate from any other money I might be carrying to avoid any awkwardness. This also helps me avoid giving over my budget - I have X amount to give, and when it's gone it's gone. (Unless there are special circumstances.)
I too live in a city that went from very few homeless people to a huge number in the course of a couple of years. I've always given people money when I have some on me, and I have really only had about two experiences ever that were scary. I've had to be a little firm with people who are pushy or running a con, but that's about it. Being comfortable with telling people "no" if they ask for more than you want to give is just something to get used to.
Also, if it is very hot consider offering to get people water if they're begging outside a store. (Or soda if that's what they want.) It's cheap and helpful.
Honestly, the homeless problem here has gotten so bad that it's extremely disheartening. I never minded giving people money before even when it was crusty punks spanging, but I particularly don't mind now because it's so obvious that something is very, very wrong and will take a long time to create political pressure to fix.
posted by Frowner at 12:01 PM on August 5, 2019 [28 favorites]
Also when giving change I give quarters and I save my quarters to put in with the give-away money - I usually don't give people, like, a fistful of dirty pennies unless I have literally no other money on me.
posted by Frowner at 12:06 PM on August 5, 2019 [2 favorites]
posted by Frowner at 12:06 PM on August 5, 2019 [2 favorites]
If I have cash or change on me, I give what I can. If not I say “I’m sorry, no cash.” In my neighborhood I know the guys because they are regulars and in that case I’ll ask whether they want a sandwich or something else from the deli when I go in, and they know me, so sometimes they say yes and other times they’ll say “next time.”
posted by sallybrown at 12:21 PM on August 5, 2019 [2 favorites]
posted by sallybrown at 12:21 PM on August 5, 2019 [2 favorites]
The first comment from @windykites is spot on. If I'm not going to give, I don't engage. And I don't give 95% of the time. I have great sympathy for those who are this situation, and I do believe it's important to help them, but I don't think giving them money actually helps them. I'm also well aware that you get what you incentivize. And if I give money to a panhandler -- especially an aggressive one -- I am incentivizing that behavior. So, I don't give (95% of the time).
posted by jdroth at 12:26 PM on August 5, 2019 [7 favorites]
posted by jdroth at 12:26 PM on August 5, 2019 [7 favorites]
Bit surprised by (or looking for clarification on) the advice to not engage. My strong feeling from sitting with and talking to panhandlers back in my college town was that a lot of people won't even look at you or nod, just not even acknowledging that someone is there. This is pretty rude and also, just from a human interaction standpoint, the natural instinct when someone is acting like they didn't see or hear you is to speak up and repeat yourself, so it can have the opposite of the intended effect.
For me, I always try to nod or glance their way, show that I've heard them, and say "no, sorry". I don't make eye contact or start a conversation or anything, just wave them off. It does feel really dismissive, and yeah, if I were a better person I'd give money more often, but I tend to use it as inspiration to give to charities instead.
posted by Lady Li at 12:56 PM on August 5, 2019 [1 favorite]
For me, I always try to nod or glance their way, show that I've heard them, and say "no, sorry". I don't make eye contact or start a conversation or anything, just wave them off. It does feel really dismissive, and yeah, if I were a better person I'd give money more often, but I tend to use it as inspiration to give to charities instead.
posted by Lady Li at 12:56 PM on August 5, 2019 [1 favorite]
If there's an explicit ask for money and you can't give, then a polite "sorry" is just fine! But otherwise, "hi, how's it going" or "good morning".
posted by capricorn at 1:13 PM on August 5, 2019 [1 favorite]
posted by capricorn at 1:13 PM on August 5, 2019 [1 favorite]
Two reasons why I as a driver wouldn't want to engage.
1. Intersections are dangerous enough and drivers' attention is in scarce supply these days. I only give if I have time to get to my money and give it to them without holding up traffic or causing a hazard for other drivers or for the asker themselves.
2. Also, if the asker is scanning a dozen or more cars in a short time for potential givers, I don't want to take their attention away from other potential givers with my attempts to "connect" if my little pot of car change is empty.
But I always default to giving money if I can. Even better, if they say they need food, I'd prefer to take them in and buy them food. But that's not practical when I'm in my car and they're on the corner.
posted by cross_impact at 1:25 PM on August 5, 2019 [5 favorites]
1. Intersections are dangerous enough and drivers' attention is in scarce supply these days. I only give if I have time to get to my money and give it to them without holding up traffic or causing a hazard for other drivers or for the asker themselves.
2. Also, if the asker is scanning a dozen or more cars in a short time for potential givers, I don't want to take their attention away from other potential givers with my attempts to "connect" if my little pot of car change is empty.
But I always default to giving money if I can. Even better, if they say they need food, I'd prefer to take them in and buy them food. But that's not practical when I'm in my car and they're on the corner.
posted by cross_impact at 1:25 PM on August 5, 2019 [5 favorites]
As long as the person is not in some way threatening, if I'm not giving that day (I do try to do it on occasion, although these days I carry very little cash with me), I smile a little and say "sorry." These are human beings. We should not get used to looking past them as if they don't exist. Over my lifetime I have probably done this more than a thousand times, in some rough areas, and I would say that this has resulted in any sort of deliberate harassment (i.e., I didn't misjudge a psychotic person) a handful of times. A handful. (And, I might add, when it happens, it's usually been adult white men.)
The idea that money doesn't help panhandlers is absurd. Money helps everybody. It is the medium of exchange for basic goods and services in this society. You need money to eat, to have somewhere to sleep, to be able to clean yourself and have clothes. Yes, some of that money is probably going directly into someone's veins. So what? Have you ever been dope-sick? Does anyone think it's better for such people to be driven into petty theft and all that entails to avoid it? And if my dollar happens to be a contribution towards one less blowjob some poor girl on the street has to give so she can get well, I am satisfied.
posted by praemunire at 1:59 PM on August 5, 2019 [27 favorites]
The idea that money doesn't help panhandlers is absurd. Money helps everybody. It is the medium of exchange for basic goods and services in this society. You need money to eat, to have somewhere to sleep, to be able to clean yourself and have clothes. Yes, some of that money is probably going directly into someone's veins. So what? Have you ever been dope-sick? Does anyone think it's better for such people to be driven into petty theft and all that entails to avoid it? And if my dollar happens to be a contribution towards one less blowjob some poor girl on the street has to give so she can get well, I am satisfied.
posted by praemunire at 1:59 PM on August 5, 2019 [27 favorites]
I work downtown so I walk past a lot of people asking for money when I'm out. To be honest, I give something only rarely. And I ignore them only rarely. Most times I make eye contact and say, "I'm sorry, sir/ma'am."
posted by booth at 2:00 PM on August 5, 2019
posted by booth at 2:00 PM on August 5, 2019
I see homeless people and panhandlers everyday. I'm also broke, young, and a petite woman, so I don't ever give. I feel a sense of guilt about this, but I need to protect myself, I have no spare money anyway, and giving small sums of change isn't going to help them long-term.
One really, really good thing to be aware of is the available resources in your city to help them. You're going to do FAR more good if you see someone in need and stop to direct them to resources, rather than just give them change. If you live somewhere cold, know the rules in your city about when warming shelters open up, and who to call if you see someone out in the cold with no where to go. My city has a separate number to call (besides 311/911) if someone needs to be picked up and taken to a warming shelter. Know this and keep an eye out. I'd assume it would be the same in a very warm city for cooling shelters.
Another thing you can do is hand out food/water/small gift cards to a grocery store. This will help them with something more concrete that they need to survive, rather than just offering change that they'll spend on god knows what. You can also collect extra hats/gloves/etc (again, if you live in a cold city) and give them to people in need. My mom used to make an extra sandwich for the friendly homeless guy she passed on her way to work, which was very well-received.
Overall, there are other ways to help besides giving change, and knowing those ways (and acting on them) will go farther than just a buck or two, which is largely a bandaid fix to a more serious, pervasive problem. I don't mean that to insult people who DO give change; I've given too. I'm just saying that that when you see these people all day everyday giving extra change every single time is no longer a realistic, feasible option.
But above all, PROTECT YOURSELF. I've never had too many problems being harassed by panhandlers, but that doesn't mean it won't happen, and you need to make your safety a top priority. Put your head up and keep walking if it's a no. Don't look back, don't hesitate, don't act afraid if someone starts getting aggressive. Be affirmative in your response and keep going. People don't like harassing difficult targets.
posted by Amy93 at 2:04 PM on August 5, 2019 [6 favorites]
One really, really good thing to be aware of is the available resources in your city to help them. You're going to do FAR more good if you see someone in need and stop to direct them to resources, rather than just give them change. If you live somewhere cold, know the rules in your city about when warming shelters open up, and who to call if you see someone out in the cold with no where to go. My city has a separate number to call (besides 311/911) if someone needs to be picked up and taken to a warming shelter. Know this and keep an eye out. I'd assume it would be the same in a very warm city for cooling shelters.
Another thing you can do is hand out food/water/small gift cards to a grocery store. This will help them with something more concrete that they need to survive, rather than just offering change that they'll spend on god knows what. You can also collect extra hats/gloves/etc (again, if you live in a cold city) and give them to people in need. My mom used to make an extra sandwich for the friendly homeless guy she passed on her way to work, which was very well-received.
Overall, there are other ways to help besides giving change, and knowing those ways (and acting on them) will go farther than just a buck or two, which is largely a bandaid fix to a more serious, pervasive problem. I don't mean that to insult people who DO give change; I've given too. I'm just saying that that when you see these people all day everyday giving extra change every single time is no longer a realistic, feasible option.
But above all, PROTECT YOURSELF. I've never had too many problems being harassed by panhandlers, but that doesn't mean it won't happen, and you need to make your safety a top priority. Put your head up and keep walking if it's a no. Don't look back, don't hesitate, don't act afraid if someone starts getting aggressive. Be affirmative in your response and keep going. People don't like harassing difficult targets.
posted by Amy93 at 2:04 PM on August 5, 2019 [6 favorites]
(I hope it's ok to clarify here that my advice was in no way meant to suggest that I think it's a bad idea to give. I'm 100% in favour of giving either money or supplies as one is able/willing! This is just how I approach a situation where I won't be giving.)
Windykites, I would be interested in knowing more about your perspective and why you recommend no engagement, if you're up for sharing.
Yes, happy to, it's gonna be long so I'll write it up tonight when I have some spare time & memail you; don't want to derail this thread into my own personal soapbox.
posted by windykites at 2:30 PM on August 5, 2019 [4 favorites]
Windykites, I would be interested in knowing more about your perspective and why you recommend no engagement, if you're up for sharing.
Yes, happy to, it's gonna be long so I'll write it up tonight when I have some spare time & memail you; don't want to derail this thread into my own personal soapbox.
posted by windykites at 2:30 PM on August 5, 2019 [4 favorites]
I’ve been instructed by a panhandler to clearly say "no". Engaging with eye contact, shrugs, or "sorry" is a waste of time and mental energy on both sides.
I only engage if I'm giving something.
posted by bonobothegreat at 2:40 PM on August 5, 2019 [3 favorites]
I only engage if I'm giving something.
posted by bonobothegreat at 2:40 PM on August 5, 2019 [3 favorites]
I'm a big believer in acknowledging people's humanity. Presuming I'm not feeling intimidated or threatened, I will usually make eye contact and say something like, "I'm sorry. Good luck to you." (Though I take the points above that it's better also to say "No" directly.)
I also make sure to donate/support how I can. In my town, people experiencing homelessness publish and sell a weekly paper. I buy it every week and, if I'm not in a rush, have a conversation with the salesperson when I'm buying it. I pay extra for my copy.
Sometimes if someone approaches me outside of a pharmacy and I don't have many things to buy, I'll offer to buy them a protein bar or other snack.
posted by bluedaisy at 2:43 PM on August 5, 2019 [3 favorites]
I also make sure to donate/support how I can. In my town, people experiencing homelessness publish and sell a weekly paper. I buy it every week and, if I'm not in a rush, have a conversation with the salesperson when I'm buying it. I pay extra for my copy.
Sometimes if someone approaches me outside of a pharmacy and I don't have many things to buy, I'll offer to buy them a protein bar or other snack.
posted by bluedaisy at 2:43 PM on August 5, 2019 [3 favorites]
For those whom it may interest, the opinion of Pope Francis on this subject.
posted by bertran at 2:44 PM on August 5, 2019 [8 favorites]
posted by bertran at 2:44 PM on August 5, 2019 [8 favorites]
I keep a couple of ziplock baggies with bandaids and toiletries samples in my glove box to hand out when I can. I end up with a certain amount of rejected packaged food due to parenthood and it’s nice to have something to do with it. Throw in a couple bandaids and the free samples from the dentists office and there you go. I also occasionally see people panhandling with kids which is really rough so sometimes I keep a separate small bag with small toys and crayons.
Then it seems like I drive around with it for a month and don’t have a chance to get rid of it.
When I do, I stick it out the car window and say something generic like ‘hope this helps’ or ‘stay dry’.
I also struggle with this and no matter how the interaction goes I feel like a jerk.
posted by bq at 3:45 PM on August 5, 2019 [1 favorite]
Then it seems like I drive around with it for a month and don’t have a chance to get rid of it.
When I do, I stick it out the car window and say something generic like ‘hope this helps’ or ‘stay dry’.
I also struggle with this and no matter how the interaction goes I feel like a jerk.
posted by bq at 3:45 PM on August 5, 2019 [1 favorite]
The highway ramp/red light thing is scary to me and kind of pisses me off. We have people collecting for charities that way too, and I've stopped talking to anyone who's doing that after an incident where a charity collector was standing in traffic when the light turned and just about gave me a heart attack. I roll up the windows and if necessary act like I am talking on a speaker phone or something.
I do keep ones and some fives to give out on the sidewalk, and will ask people who are sitting near a store if they would like a coffee or a lunch. But there are very few panhandlers along my route so it is not prohibitive in terms of time or money, and it's usually possible to just give people a wide berth if I don't have any cash.
posted by BibiRose at 4:03 PM on August 5, 2019 [1 favorite]
I do keep ones and some fives to give out on the sidewalk, and will ask people who are sitting near a store if they would like a coffee or a lunch. But there are very few panhandlers along my route so it is not prohibitive in terms of time or money, and it's usually possible to just give people a wide berth if I don't have any cash.
posted by BibiRose at 4:03 PM on August 5, 2019 [1 favorite]
Carry a couple bucks in singles and hand them out. Once you're out, you're out - I just shrug and say 'can't today.'
posted by aspersioncast at 4:27 PM on August 5, 2019
posted by aspersioncast at 4:27 PM on August 5, 2019
I don't like to give out money but do sometimes. I really am worried about funding a vice that will kill them.
I sometimes have bottled water in the car and I often offer them one. If I am even on my way back from the grocery store I fumble and look in my bags quick for the most appealing thing. If I don't have anything sometimes I offer to take them to CVS for anything they might need. I've never had someone take me up on my offer that I felt didn't truly need it.
If I am not giving anything I do the same thing I do whenever I make eye contact on the street with anyone - a head nod and a slight smile. If I stop RIGHT there and my windows open I might ask How it's going.
The other day I was unwrapping a fresh chicken salad sandwich from a deli and I happen to stop at the light, right at where an old man was pan-handling. I asked him if he wanted it and we decided to split it. I gave him half and I ate half.
I know some of these folks are scam artists, but I'd rather risk being generous to a scam artist than not being kind in some small way to someone that could really use it.
posted by ReluctantViking at 4:43 PM on August 5, 2019 [1 favorite]
I sometimes have bottled water in the car and I often offer them one. If I am even on my way back from the grocery store I fumble and look in my bags quick for the most appealing thing. If I don't have anything sometimes I offer to take them to CVS for anything they might need. I've never had someone take me up on my offer that I felt didn't truly need it.
If I am not giving anything I do the same thing I do whenever I make eye contact on the street with anyone - a head nod and a slight smile. If I stop RIGHT there and my windows open I might ask How it's going.
The other day I was unwrapping a fresh chicken salad sandwich from a deli and I happen to stop at the light, right at where an old man was pan-handling. I asked him if he wanted it and we decided to split it. I gave him half and I ate half.
I know some of these folks are scam artists, but I'd rather risk being generous to a scam artist than not being kind in some small way to someone that could really use it.
posted by ReluctantViking at 4:43 PM on August 5, 2019 [1 favorite]
No, but good luck!
Chiming in late, as always. My wise Jewish grandma taught me this beautiful phrase which I've used successfully my whole life. The magic phrase is, "No, but good luck" said in a genuine and friendly way.
I have never one time had a bad response from it. If I get any response at all, it's been positive.
The beauty of the phrase is:
Simple.
Direct.
No lies, no excuses, no guilt.
I don't have to ignore them, they are a human being.
I can give eye contact or not with the phrase, depending on my own snowflake emotional state at the moment.
I don't have to say I'm sorry, because I'm not.
I don't have to lie and say I don't have money.
Lest I sound like some horrible person, I DO give to those in need, in fact I give 10% of my income right off the top to various charities. It's my personal choice not to give to money to panhandlers; however, I do buy meals for them on a regular basis.
posted by crayon at 5:06 PM on August 5, 2019 [5 favorites]
Chiming in late, as always. My wise Jewish grandma taught me this beautiful phrase which I've used successfully my whole life. The magic phrase is, "No, but good luck" said in a genuine and friendly way.
I have never one time had a bad response from it. If I get any response at all, it's been positive.
The beauty of the phrase is:
Simple.
Direct.
No lies, no excuses, no guilt.
I don't have to ignore them, they are a human being.
I can give eye contact or not with the phrase, depending on my own snowflake emotional state at the moment.
I don't have to say I'm sorry, because I'm not.
I don't have to lie and say I don't have money.
Lest I sound like some horrible person, I DO give to those in need, in fact I give 10% of my income right off the top to various charities. It's my personal choice not to give to money to panhandlers; however, I do buy meals for them on a regular basis.
posted by crayon at 5:06 PM on August 5, 2019 [5 favorites]
I only give to the people in my immediate neighborhood. I see it as both a kindness to my neighbors as well as an investment in my personal security -- I want my neighbors to like me and have my back, especially those neighbors that are out on the street nearly 24/7 and thus have an eye on what's going on.
Everyone else gets a clear "Sorry, no" with a shake of the head.
posted by Jacqueline at 5:17 PM on August 5, 2019 [2 favorites]
Everyone else gets a clear "Sorry, no" with a shake of the head.
posted by Jacqueline at 5:17 PM on August 5, 2019 [2 favorites]
I feel like it's a different situation at an intersection than on a sidewalk. I ignore and avoid eye contact at an intersection if I'm not giving out anything, because I don't want to get anyone's hopes up and have them walking to me in traffic for nothing. If I'm on the street I make eye contact and talk to people whether I have something to give them or not.
posted by oneirodynia at 5:50 PM on August 5, 2019
posted by oneirodynia at 5:50 PM on August 5, 2019
Windykites, I would also be very interested in your thoughts on this if you feel like sharing via memail.
I try to make every person feel like a human being and deeply recognize their humanity - even if I have no money to give them, I give them my eye contact and attention for a moment while I say, "Sorry, I can't, but have a good day." I've never had anyone be scary toward me and I've been using this approach for probably 13 years, since I worked in homeless services. The guys I worked with then used to tell me that for them the worst part of being on the street was being treated as if they were invisible, so I've made a point ever since of truly seeing people and giving them that. Sometimes I'll share food or buy drinks for folks, & I do believe in goving cash when I can, I just usually don't have any.
posted by fairlynearlyready at 7:56 PM on August 5, 2019 [1 favorite]
I try to make every person feel like a human being and deeply recognize their humanity - even if I have no money to give them, I give them my eye contact and attention for a moment while I say, "Sorry, I can't, but have a good day." I've never had anyone be scary toward me and I've been using this approach for probably 13 years, since I worked in homeless services. The guys I worked with then used to tell me that for them the worst part of being on the street was being treated as if they were invisible, so I've made a point ever since of truly seeing people and giving them that. Sometimes I'll share food or buy drinks for folks, & I do believe in goving cash when I can, I just usually don't have any.
posted by fairlynearlyready at 7:56 PM on August 5, 2019 [1 favorite]
I work in a big city and could not afford to give money to every panhandler I see. I also don't want to incentivize and reward asking for money on the street. And finally, I also don't want to encourage or reward people accosting people (particularly women) who they don't know. 99% of the time I just do not engage. This is just not the way I help.
While it may make people feel more human to make a personal connection, that doesn't mean that refusing to interact with someone is denying their humanity. No one should ever feel they have to interact with someone just because that person has chosen to force an interaction on them. They remain very human, but no one is obligated to interact with every human in their path, no matter what they're asking.
posted by Miko at 10:59 PM on August 5, 2019 [22 favorites]
While it may make people feel more human to make a personal connection, that doesn't mean that refusing to interact with someone is denying their humanity. No one should ever feel they have to interact with someone just because that person has chosen to force an interaction on them. They remain very human, but no one is obligated to interact with every human in their path, no matter what they're asking.
posted by Miko at 10:59 PM on August 5, 2019 [22 favorites]
If someone speaks to me in a polite/nonthreatening way on the street, I will give them at least a minimal acknowledgment. Even by NYC standards, that seems to be a minimum for moving around out in public in a society. For me, that includes panhandlers.
posted by praemunire at 8:22 AM on August 6, 2019
posted by praemunire at 8:22 AM on August 6, 2019
I usually don't interact because I get often get a strong feeling of guilt and shame, then I get pissed off because I don't feel like I have anything personally to feel guilty about other than being a member of a failed society. I often feel sad and depressed. (As a practical matter I rarely have change and very often don't have cash.)
I lived in San Francisco for 15 years and I think living in a place where you constantly see people on the street can harden your heart a bit.
I don't believe that anyone is obligated to engage with anyone else, but I do try to be kind and polite when I do.
About six months ago I gave a guy $20 and it felt really good.
posted by kirkaracha at 11:12 AM on August 7, 2019 [1 favorite]
I lived in San Francisco for 15 years and I think living in a place where you constantly see people on the street can harden your heart a bit.
I don't believe that anyone is obligated to engage with anyone else, but I do try to be kind and polite when I do.
About six months ago I gave a guy $20 and it felt really good.
posted by kirkaracha at 11:12 AM on August 7, 2019 [1 favorite]
windykites, I get the thing about not engaging too much. I often engage too much and I've been taken advantage of a few times this year. But one day I was walking through my neighborhood and there was a guy standing on the corner asking for money. Some bro brushed past him saying, "get the fuck out of my way." All I could do was go up to the guy on the corner, apologize for the dude and give him a buck or two I had in my pocket.
Please, I'd love to hear your story too and have a conversation if you'd be willing. I'll share a few of my stories here:
Seconding hand warmers. I get them by the case and carry them around at night and they're always well appreciated. I tried one out a couple of weeks ago and they last for a really long time! With four, a person can put them in their shoes and in their hands. A homeless man named Brian told me the other night that he gives extras away to other people who need them.
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I also think that even if you give a person on the streets something they don't want or need that they'll pass it on to someone else or use it to barter for something they need.
---
The stigma on homeless people is always there and reminds them that they'll be watched with an eagle-eye while they're in any store, suspected of shoplifting or shooting up in the toilet or "counting their money too slowly"* This fear/anxiety about going into "normal" stores can make gift cards/Visas less desirable - likely unusable.
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I can't find the link to this comment of mine:
I was walking down a one-way street near my house (a couple of weeks after the 2016 election) and there was a guy I thought might be homeless pulling a granny cart up the middle of the street. As he approached me he said, "do you need a hug?" I wavered for a second but yeah I really did need a fucking hug. He came over to the sidewalk and gave me the most fantastic hug I've ever had. He smelled a little like pee but I was so happy for the rest of that day.
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I walk around a lot at night and talk to people sleeping rough.
Tonight: I spent a couple of hours outside talking to Todd who is very funny. We shared our life stories and our life traumas and watched SNL videos on his phone.
posted by bendy at 11:57 PM on August 7, 2019
Please, I'd love to hear your story too and have a conversation if you'd be willing. I'll share a few of my stories here:
Seconding hand warmers. I get them by the case and carry them around at night and they're always well appreciated. I tried one out a couple of weeks ago and they last for a really long time! With four, a person can put them in their shoes and in their hands. A homeless man named Brian told me the other night that he gives extras away to other people who need them.
---
I also think that even if you give a person on the streets something they don't want or need that they'll pass it on to someone else or use it to barter for something they need.
---
The stigma on homeless people is always there and reminds them that they'll be watched with an eagle-eye while they're in any store, suspected of shoplifting or shooting up in the toilet or "counting their money too slowly"* This fear/anxiety about going into "normal" stores can make gift cards/Visas less desirable - likely unusable.
---
I can't find the link to this comment of mine:
I was walking down a one-way street near my house (a couple of weeks after the 2016 election) and there was a guy I thought might be homeless pulling a granny cart up the middle of the street. As he approached me he said, "do you need a hug?" I wavered for a second but yeah I really did need a fucking hug. He came over to the sidewalk and gave me the most fantastic hug I've ever had. He smelled a little like pee but I was so happy for the rest of that day.
---
I walk around a lot at night and talk to people sleeping rough.
Tonight: I spent a couple of hours outside talking to Todd who is very funny. We shared our life stories and our life traumas and watched SNL videos on his phone.
posted by bendy at 11:57 PM on August 7, 2019
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by windykites at 11:49 AM on August 5, 2019 [63 favorites]