Resisting the urge to “fix myself”
May 30, 2019 1:10 PM Subscribe
I hope for ideas for sustainable strategies to move past always trying to fix / change myself, because I’m exhausted.
If I were in a relationship with myself, I’d want to move from being my own nagging (and negging) spouse to being a loving and supportive spouse to myself.
I have developed all these patterns. Going to therapy. Reading self help books. Trying religion. Trying meditation. Bias toward action. What ends up happening is that I either need to be a perfectionist (the best meditator!) or that the thing doesn’t fix the problem and then I heap blame on myself for it.
I have an internalized belief that whatever problem or negative thing I’m experiencing is a problem I can / should fix. It’s exhausting and very few of those real problems have been addressable that way.
The problems I have are rooted in the past and the past isn’t in my control. I’m in a great place now as far as my personal hierarchy of needs, and I’d like to learn to move forward and be kinder to myself.
I would also like to avoid the temptation to jump into yet another new “program” that I will evaluate as either having passed or failed. For example, I’ve had so much feedback that I should “try Buddhism”, but my brain immediately goes all the way to the extreme of what the perfect Buddhist might be, and I think of all of the hours I’d be tempted to put in each week. I don’t know why I do the extremes like this.
I’d love to just be able to exist and not always be striving / struggling.
I have developed all these patterns. Going to therapy. Reading self help books. Trying religion. Trying meditation. Bias toward action. What ends up happening is that I either need to be a perfectionist (the best meditator!) or that the thing doesn’t fix the problem and then I heap blame on myself for it.
I have an internalized belief that whatever problem or negative thing I’m experiencing is a problem I can / should fix. It’s exhausting and very few of those real problems have been addressable that way.
The problems I have are rooted in the past and the past isn’t in my control. I’m in a great place now as far as my personal hierarchy of needs, and I’d like to learn to move forward and be kinder to myself.
I would also like to avoid the temptation to jump into yet another new “program” that I will evaluate as either having passed or failed. For example, I’ve had so much feedback that I should “try Buddhism”, but my brain immediately goes all the way to the extreme of what the perfect Buddhist might be, and I think of all of the hours I’d be tempted to put in each week. I don’t know why I do the extremes like this.
I’d love to just be able to exist and not always be striving / struggling.
I have an internalized belief that whatever problem or negative thing I’m experiencing is a problem I can / should fix.
I don’t know if this will strike a chord for you the way it did for me, but in an an interview with This American Life, Lindy West talked about her decision to stop putting things off until she lost weight, and instead embrace the person she is in the present. I find it really applies to so much:
posted by sallybrown at 1:37 PM on May 30, 2019 [6 favorites]
I don’t know if this will strike a chord for you the way it did for me, but in an an interview with This American Life, Lindy West talked about her decision to stop putting things off until she lost weight, and instead embrace the person she is in the present. I find it really applies to so much:
But I always felt like if I didn't mention it that maybe people wouldn't notice. Or it could just be this sort of polite secret, like, open secret that we didn't address, because it felt so shameful. It just felt impolite to talk about, like me not wanting to burden you with my failure. . . . Yeah, and just give me a little more time. Let's not talk about it, and I promise I'll fix it. . . . The way that we are taught to think about fatness is that fat is not a permanent state. You're just a thin person who's failing consistently for your whole life.The first time I listened to that, I was like “WHOA!” Maybe it doesn’t fully solve your problem in that it gives you a new task (“you should learn how to be happy in the now”), but it’s at least an improvement on “I’ll be happy once I fix this thing about myself.”
[LAUGHTER]
So to actually say, OK, I am fat-- and I have been as long as I can remember, so I don't know why I live in this imaginary future where I, you know, someday I'm going to be thin. . . .
Yeah, but I was determined to not be fat forever. And my worst fear was, what if I am? And then at some point, I just was like, you know, it's fairly likely that I'm going to be fat forever. So why am I putting off figuring out how to live with that? I should, rather than spending all my time counting almonds, why not try to figure out how to be happy now?
posted by sallybrown at 1:37 PM on May 30, 2019 [6 favorites]
Maybe this podcast from Personality Hacker about when to hit the pause button on "personal growth" would be helpful for you. I was just listening to it today—there are some great truths in there about slowing down and recognizing that, oh yeah, I actually have leveled up in some ways (judging by the level of insight and thoughtfulness in your question, I'm sure that's true for you!). It's okay to stop striving for a bit and enjoy the view.
posted by gold bridges at 1:56 PM on May 30, 2019 [1 favorite]
posted by gold bridges at 1:56 PM on May 30, 2019 [1 favorite]
Best answer: I was a big self-helper in my twenties and thirties. Books and articles were my favorite self-help materials. I was also drawn to self-help TV like Oprah. If I could have afforded retreats and gurus I probably would have because I was always trying to perfect and fix.
I did do therapy, and some 12-step (ACoA, codependency, etc.) which was a worthwhile investment. Although, the individual therapy and 12-step stuff and the endless pursuit of being okay in the world probably could have been avoided if I would have realized I was just fine the way I was.
Not only was I obsessed with perfecting my personality, I was obsessed with improving my appearance. These are the things of youth.
I was already whole, my personality was already pretty much set in stone, and all the seeking and self-helping may have taught me something, or contributed to my growth, but mostly it taught me that I wasted a lot of time. I could have been connecting to others and simply living and enjoying a more. My personality wasn't able to shine because I thought I was deficient.
I read somewhere that the endless pursuit of self-help and trying to "fix" yourself is actually a form of self-torture and self-flagellation and I would even go as far as self-absorption.
It's hard to say because I did spend a mighty good time on self-improvement, but it seems that all I required was a healthy dose of self-awareness and self-reflection. And time. With those three things growth can and will occur.
I'm in my mid-forties my self-improvement consists of:
1. Emotional maturity
2. Self-disclipline -- not to the extreme
3. Sitting with and accepting my emotions and feelings without trying to do something about them. Accepting my flaws and limitations, while at the same time never making excuses to treat others poorly, or shirk on responsibilities.
You might give yourself a break for a while or forever. Instead of self-help books I read novels. I've given up on self-help forever apart from one spiritual philosophy, and it's not self-help. I have no interest in self-help. I no longer seek. I already know. When you know you can stop seeking. My philosophy is more fun, more interest in others and ideas, and less constant introspection.
posted by loveandhappiness at 2:17 PM on May 30, 2019 [21 favorites]
I did do therapy, and some 12-step (ACoA, codependency, etc.) which was a worthwhile investment. Although, the individual therapy and 12-step stuff and the endless pursuit of being okay in the world probably could have been avoided if I would have realized I was just fine the way I was.
Not only was I obsessed with perfecting my personality, I was obsessed with improving my appearance. These are the things of youth.
I was already whole, my personality was already pretty much set in stone, and all the seeking and self-helping may have taught me something, or contributed to my growth, but mostly it taught me that I wasted a lot of time. I could have been connecting to others and simply living and enjoying a more. My personality wasn't able to shine because I thought I was deficient.
I read somewhere that the endless pursuit of self-help and trying to "fix" yourself is actually a form of self-torture and self-flagellation and I would even go as far as self-absorption.
It's hard to say because I did spend a mighty good time on self-improvement, but it seems that all I required was a healthy dose of self-awareness and self-reflection. And time. With those three things growth can and will occur.
I'm in my mid-forties my self-improvement consists of:
1. Emotional maturity
2. Self-disclipline -- not to the extreme
3. Sitting with and accepting my emotions and feelings without trying to do something about them. Accepting my flaws and limitations, while at the same time never making excuses to treat others poorly, or shirk on responsibilities.
You might give yourself a break for a while or forever. Instead of self-help books I read novels. I've given up on self-help forever apart from one spiritual philosophy, and it's not self-help. I have no interest in self-help. I no longer seek. I already know. When you know you can stop seeking. My philosophy is more fun, more interest in others and ideas, and less constant introspection.
posted by loveandhappiness at 2:17 PM on May 30, 2019 [21 favorites]
Years ago a relative told me that she was practicing failing at things. I think that can mean a lot of things/take whatever feels useful to you, but a small example of a thing I do is that I don't run for the bus anymore, I just accept that I missed that bus and I will take the next one.
posted by needs more cowbell at 2:52 PM on May 30, 2019 [6 favorites]
posted by needs more cowbell at 2:52 PM on May 30, 2019 [6 favorites]
Response by poster: Wow, y’all are great. Thanks so much for these ideas. I’m not going to jump into reading that article or listening to that podcast yet, because that’s what the hamster-wheel brain wants me to do. I think the thing I needed to hear was that it’s ok to just be. I’m going to let that marinate for a while. I really appreciate the answers, wasn’t sure if it was even the “right” kind of question to ask.
posted by flannel at 4:08 PM on May 30, 2019 [5 favorites]
posted by flannel at 4:08 PM on May 30, 2019 [5 favorites]
Yeah, I recognize this. I don’t know how old you are but I found that it largely went away in my late 30s. Maybe it’s just an age thing and not something you need to actively ‘work on’/fix?
posted by The Toad at 7:47 PM on May 30, 2019
posted by The Toad at 7:47 PM on May 30, 2019
Another interesting podcast suggestion: How To Fail with Elizabeth Day. Now I pretty much think Day is the most beautiful, articulate creature on the planet, who inspires a lot of envy, but it's interesting to hear how her failures made her, and how they changed things for her guests. Beautiful failures.
posted by teststrip at 12:44 AM on May 31, 2019 [2 favorites]
posted by teststrip at 12:44 AM on May 31, 2019 [2 favorites]
I tried to learn as much as I could about compassion, and particularly self-compassion. Stuff that helped was
- watching great coaches and teachers adapt to others and generally not criticise. Kindness tends to let people flourish, and watching that process unfurl is really grounding.
- examining honestly that perfectionism helped me in some ways and hindered in others
- not being afraid of the feelings that came up when I failed, and learning to experience them. Recognising the over-reaction to failure was stemming from other childhood stuff.
- accept that I would not be perfect at self-compassion and laugh at myself
- accept that I like really going deep into something and that’s not a bad thing, it just needs to be channeled
posted by eyeofthetiger at 2:50 AM on May 31, 2019 [3 favorites]
- watching great coaches and teachers adapt to others and generally not criticise. Kindness tends to let people flourish, and watching that process unfurl is really grounding.
- examining honestly that perfectionism helped me in some ways and hindered in others
- not being afraid of the feelings that came up when I failed, and learning to experience them. Recognising the over-reaction to failure was stemming from other childhood stuff.
- accept that I would not be perfect at self-compassion and laugh at myself
- accept that I like really going deep into something and that’s not a bad thing, it just needs to be channeled
posted by eyeofthetiger at 2:50 AM on May 31, 2019 [3 favorites]
Locus of control theory suggests that anxious people and perfectionists should deliberately leave 20% of their daily to-do lists undone, because they are relying too much on their own ability to adapt and fix and not allowing room for chance and factors that are out of their control. You need slack in the system for optimum performance and quality of life.
You might wish to look into yet another program, this one based on cutting yourself some slack and doing non-goal oriented self care.
posted by Jane the Brown at 4:19 AM on May 31, 2019 [5 favorites]
You might wish to look into yet another program, this one based on cutting yourself some slack and doing non-goal oriented self care.
posted by Jane the Brown at 4:19 AM on May 31, 2019 [5 favorites]
Really appreciate you asking about this. "Practice self compassion" is a To Do item I have definitely beaten myself up over not doing "correctly", so I'm hesitant to recommend it.
But, just the mental act of adding "self compassion" to my internal list of values/goals was helpful, since it gave me "permission" to give myself slack. Having the term "self compassion" in my vocabulary of values had value it itself, and then I have to step away from doing more than that and then beating myself up. In other words, just allowing myself to value self-acceptance, without "practicing" self acceptance or "working on" self acceptance, did have a benefit.
posted by Cozybee at 4:40 AM on May 31, 2019 [1 favorite]
But, just the mental act of adding "self compassion" to my internal list of values/goals was helpful, since it gave me "permission" to give myself slack. Having the term "self compassion" in my vocabulary of values had value it itself, and then I have to step away from doing more than that and then beating myself up. In other words, just allowing myself to value self-acceptance, without "practicing" self acceptance or "working on" self acceptance, did have a benefit.
posted by Cozybee at 4:40 AM on May 31, 2019 [1 favorite]
I think the thing I needed to hear was that it’s ok to just be.
If the meditation you've been doing hasn't been helping you internalize that, it's been the wrong kind for you.
What ends up happening is that I either need to be a perfectionist (the best meditator!) or that the thing doesn’t fix the problem and then I heap blame on myself for it.
Some of this is down to expectation management.
Meditation is by its very nature non-competitive.
If you're meditating and it occurs to you that you either are or are not the best meditator, that's just your monkey mind presenting you with another irrelevant distraction; note it as such without pursuing it further, and gently return your focus to the object of your meditation, and keep on doing that until your session timer goes off.
Meditation is also not a fix for any immediate problem. It's a practice that, when done diligently and regularly, strengthens problem-fixing skills you already have and also tends to reduce the severity with which new problems beset you. Expecting a session of meditation to settle a gnawing anxiety is like expecting brushing your teeth to fix a cavity.
I’d love to just be able to exist and not always be striving / struggling.
Then I recommend regularly setting aside a moderate amount of time for deliberate and conscious practice at improving that very skill.
Because it is a skill. Equanimity doesn't come naturally to most people because the world (including the models of it we carry around in our own heads) is so often too distracting, and being able to put those distractions aside for a while is hard unless we make a habit of practising doing just exactly that.
posted by flabdablet at 6:02 AM on May 31, 2019 [2 favorites]
If the meditation you've been doing hasn't been helping you internalize that, it's been the wrong kind for you.
What ends up happening is that I either need to be a perfectionist (the best meditator!) or that the thing doesn’t fix the problem and then I heap blame on myself for it.
Some of this is down to expectation management.
Meditation is by its very nature non-competitive.
If you're meditating and it occurs to you that you either are or are not the best meditator, that's just your monkey mind presenting you with another irrelevant distraction; note it as such without pursuing it further, and gently return your focus to the object of your meditation, and keep on doing that until your session timer goes off.
Meditation is also not a fix for any immediate problem. It's a practice that, when done diligently and regularly, strengthens problem-fixing skills you already have and also tends to reduce the severity with which new problems beset you. Expecting a session of meditation to settle a gnawing anxiety is like expecting brushing your teeth to fix a cavity.
I’d love to just be able to exist and not always be striving / struggling.
Then I recommend regularly setting aside a moderate amount of time for deliberate and conscious practice at improving that very skill.
Because it is a skill. Equanimity doesn't come naturally to most people because the world (including the models of it we carry around in our own heads) is so often too distracting, and being able to put those distractions aside for a while is hard unless we make a habit of practising doing just exactly that.
posted by flabdablet at 6:02 AM on May 31, 2019 [2 favorites]
You mentioned going therapy as part of your "fix self" compulsion. Are you still going? Do you like your therapist?
Because I think this question is exactly the kind of thing to bring to and work on in therapy. Or to bring up with your therapist and ask if theirs is the right style for working on self-acceptance and self-compassion.
I recognize and resonate with both your urge to fix yourself and the desire to stop. I find that every time I metaphorically grab my own shoulders and scream "stop! stop! you are fine as you are!"-- I'll walk around feeling like I'm okay for a few days or a few weeks, and then that tendency will creep up somewhere else. It really wasn't until about a year into working with my current therapist that I realized I was never able to fully be compassionate toward myself because I 1) never learned how to, because there wasn't a model in my life and 2) had never been able to register other people's compassion toward me because I didn't know what that feels like. I am still very slowly learning.
Before this therapist, I've worked with three others: one of them does CBT (which worked in the short term but was kind of a bandaid for me), the other two do "talk therapy" but I did not click with them.
YMMV, of course! Sharing just for another data point/ a slightly different perspective. Best of luck!! You got this.
posted by redwaterman at 7:48 AM on May 31, 2019 [2 favorites]
Because I think this question is exactly the kind of thing to bring to and work on in therapy. Or to bring up with your therapist and ask if theirs is the right style for working on self-acceptance and self-compassion.
I recognize and resonate with both your urge to fix yourself and the desire to stop. I find that every time I metaphorically grab my own shoulders and scream "stop! stop! you are fine as you are!"-- I'll walk around feeling like I'm okay for a few days or a few weeks, and then that tendency will creep up somewhere else. It really wasn't until about a year into working with my current therapist that I realized I was never able to fully be compassionate toward myself because I 1) never learned how to, because there wasn't a model in my life and 2) had never been able to register other people's compassion toward me because I didn't know what that feels like. I am still very slowly learning.
Before this therapist, I've worked with three others: one of them does CBT (which worked in the short term but was kind of a bandaid for me), the other two do "talk therapy" but I did not click with them.
YMMV, of course! Sharing just for another data point/ a slightly different perspective. Best of luck!! You got this.
posted by redwaterman at 7:48 AM on May 31, 2019 [2 favorites]
Like some of the earlier commenters, the thing that's been a game changer for me is treating myself more like I treat my friends and loved ones. When I'm struggling with a thing, I started imagining what response I would give to a friend, and try to direct that at myself. It felt a lot like letting myself off the hook for things that I thought I was supposed to be "better" at, and it also came to show me how I was separating myself from other people by holding myself to a different -- deeply inhuman -- standard of perfection. My relationship with myself is better now, but so is my relationship with my loved ones, because I'm treating us all like we're on the same level.
posted by spindrifter at 10:26 AM on May 31, 2019 [5 favorites]
posted by spindrifter at 10:26 AM on May 31, 2019 [5 favorites]
You always have the option to DO NOTHING. Just observe your thoughts and feelings and go on with life. Don't attach yourself to those thoughts and feelings, just observe and let them flow on by.
posted by Altomentis at 12:05 PM on May 31, 2019 [2 favorites]
posted by Altomentis at 12:05 PM on May 31, 2019 [2 favorites]
I'm not super convinced that "just observe and let them flow on by" is useful advice when directed to a person who has (a) previously got not much out of meditation and (b) tends toward thoughts that frequently express negative self-judgements.
The essence of a useful meditation practice is to have a predetermined focus for any given session that one can gently return one's attention to as soon as possible after noticing that it has wandered elsewhere. In transcendental meditation, that focus is repetition of a mantra; vipassana and Zen practitioners frequently focus on subtle aspects of the sensation of breathing. I am unaware of any respectable form of meditation that consists of observing oneself wandering endlessly through a mirror maze of useless rumination.
The ability to observe thoughts as they arise and dissipate without getting all tangled up in them is a skill that meditation can certainly help strengthen, but as far as How To Meditate advice for anxious people goes it's next to useless. Many anxious people have tried to do the thought-observation thing and found that it just makes their anxiety worse. You might as well tell a depressed person that all they really need to do is cheer up or a morbidly obese person that all they really need to do is eat less and exercise more.
You can learn stillness by starting with focus. Damn near impossible to do it the other way round.
posted by flabdablet at 3:09 AM on June 1, 2019 [3 favorites]
The essence of a useful meditation practice is to have a predetermined focus for any given session that one can gently return one's attention to as soon as possible after noticing that it has wandered elsewhere. In transcendental meditation, that focus is repetition of a mantra; vipassana and Zen practitioners frequently focus on subtle aspects of the sensation of breathing. I am unaware of any respectable form of meditation that consists of observing oneself wandering endlessly through a mirror maze of useless rumination.
The ability to observe thoughts as they arise and dissipate without getting all tangled up in them is a skill that meditation can certainly help strengthen, but as far as How To Meditate advice for anxious people goes it's next to useless. Many anxious people have tried to do the thought-observation thing and found that it just makes their anxiety worse. You might as well tell a depressed person that all they really need to do is cheer up or a morbidly obese person that all they really need to do is eat less and exercise more.
You can learn stillness by starting with focus. Damn near impossible to do it the other way round.
posted by flabdablet at 3:09 AM on June 1, 2019 [3 favorites]
Response by poster: Thank you for saying this, flabdablet (great handle, btw). I am working my way toward trying again to develop meditation skills, but also don’t want to jump into that as just another way to fix myself. I identify as a woman and I feel all kinds of pressure to fix myself all the time. I think it’s part of the results of living in a culture that undervalues me and expects me to do emotional labor for those around me. I’m trying to resist the urge to keep twisting myself around all of the expectations and to really internalize that I’m ok how I am now.
posted by flannel at 7:28 AM on June 4, 2019 [1 favorite]
posted by flannel at 7:28 AM on June 4, 2019 [1 favorite]
don’t want to jump into that as just another way to fix myself.
Yeah, no. Don't do it because somebody's told you it's Good For You; if you're going to do it, do it because somebody's told you that the active and single-minded pursuit of boredom actually turns out to be weirdly, endlessly interesting. I have certainly found it so.
posted by flabdablet at 9:31 AM on June 4, 2019
Yeah, no. Don't do it because somebody's told you it's Good For You; if you're going to do it, do it because somebody's told you that the active and single-minded pursuit of boredom actually turns out to be weirdly, endlessly interesting. I have certainly found it so.
posted by flabdablet at 9:31 AM on June 4, 2019
I've pivoted fairly recently (early 40's) to both accepting that things are how they are (I cannot change the past), and being far better at time management (I can only change so much of this, so what's it gonna be?)
The combination of those two mindsets has been sanity-preserving.
I have character flaws I'm not thrilled about. I cannot fix them all, and I can't fix most of them immediately, so it's likely better to look at which things I can fix, pick the most important thing first, then hack at that.
If I try to fix it all, or if I try to fix it all immediately, I know at this point I will fail; given that constraint, it's better to set sustainable course and just keep improving, albeit more slowly than I'd like.
posted by talldean at 12:22 PM on June 9, 2019 [1 favorite]
The combination of those two mindsets has been sanity-preserving.
I have character flaws I'm not thrilled about. I cannot fix them all, and I can't fix most of them immediately, so it's likely better to look at which things I can fix, pick the most important thing first, then hack at that.
If I try to fix it all, or if I try to fix it all immediately, I know at this point I will fail; given that constraint, it's better to set sustainable course and just keep improving, albeit more slowly than I'd like.
posted by talldean at 12:22 PM on June 9, 2019 [1 favorite]
« Older Make my voice sound professionally recorded, but... | Dark lines under dental crowns Newer »
This thread is closed to new comments.
That is not exactly what I say, but it is pretty close. I have been in a lot of therapy and for me, it was helpful. But it was never going to "fix" me. My life is a lot better, thanks to therapy and Al-Anon meetings. Even so, my brain is going to do what it is going to do. Therapy and Al-Anon have helped me develop strategies for coping with my unruly brain and the self-talk thing is one of those techniques.
When I first started, I felt self-conscious about it and stupid. But I kept it up because it horrifies me that I so automatically yell at myself in a way I would never yell at anyone, pretty much, especially someone I loved. I work at loving myself and being good to myself. It is not easy, absolutely not. But the effort, in my case, has been worth it. It has become easier for me to let go of the distress I feel for making mistakes, etc.
So consider speaking to yourself silently (or out loud, if you prefer) the way you might speak to a frightened child or a cherished friend or anyone, really, that you love. Good luck!
posted by Bella Donna at 1:31 PM on May 30, 2019 [16 favorites]