Why are my feelings for him so changeable?
May 24, 2019 10:25 AM Subscribe
My first post-divorce relationship has been amazing. This man is almost everything I ever wanted, the sex is great, he’s funny and loving and generous and kind, etc. etc., all the good things. So why the fuck am I so changeable in my feelings for him? From one day to the next (literally!) I’m glazed with lust and then utterly disinterested and planning how to break it off.
Three nights ago I was having the craziest, most passionate sex of my life. The next day he didn’t pick up the tab for his friend when he clearly should have and it’s like a switch flipped on my interest. This keeps happening (usually over things I perceive to be ill-mannered) and it’s driving me crazy and making me feel like a terrible girlfriend. Why am I like this? I really don’t want to break it off. I just want to stop running hot and cold! Or for him to be a male version of me in matters of etiquette, which obviously won’t be happening . . . .
The tiniest misstep on his part is enough to make me totally reevaluate the relationship. I don’t want to be like this, both for his sake, because he doesn’t deserve this hot and cold treatment, and for mine, because I just want to keep feeling the good feelings. Of possible significance: I’m in perimenopause. Also, I was raised with upper-middle-class sensibilities in matters of etiquette, a background which has been a problem in every romantic relationship I’ve ever had. Help.
Three nights ago I was having the craziest, most passionate sex of my life. The next day he didn’t pick up the tab for his friend when he clearly should have and it’s like a switch flipped on my interest. This keeps happening (usually over things I perceive to be ill-mannered) and it’s driving me crazy and making me feel like a terrible girlfriend. Why am I like this? I really don’t want to break it off. I just want to stop running hot and cold! Or for him to be a male version of me in matters of etiquette, which obviously won’t be happening . . . .
The tiniest misstep on his part is enough to make me totally reevaluate the relationship. I don’t want to be like this, both for his sake, because he doesn’t deserve this hot and cold treatment, and for mine, because I just want to keep feeling the good feelings. Of possible significance: I’m in perimenopause. Also, I was raised with upper-middle-class sensibilities in matters of etiquette, a background which has been a problem in every romantic relationship I’ve ever had. Help.
Sometimes, when I get free after being stuck in something bad for a while, I want to revel in my ability to walk away from things. I don't even need to do it. I just get excited knowing I can.
I wonder if this is your brain getting excited about having that option.
posted by nebulawindphone at 10:35 AM on May 24, 2019 [22 favorites]
I wonder if this is your brain getting excited about having that option.
posted by nebulawindphone at 10:35 AM on May 24, 2019 [22 favorites]
It sounds like youre experiencing infatuation. I get like this when I am intimate with someone I don't know too well. For me, sexual intimacy amplifies all feelings of a person. If I don't really know-know someone enough to get a grounded feel for who they really are, each new piece of information comes across as ABSOLUTELY CRITICAL. When you have %85 of a picture of someone (the most we can ever hope to have, really), a small action like a social faux pas is less than a single percent of what we know. When you only know %15, well, the ratio is much higher.
posted by FirstMateKate at 10:36 AM on May 24, 2019 [20 favorites]
posted by FirstMateKate at 10:36 AM on May 24, 2019 [20 favorites]
Great sex is not going to make anyone's insufferable mannerisms outside of the bedroom more sufferable.
posted by prize bull octorok at 10:43 AM on May 24, 2019 [23 favorites]
posted by prize bull octorok at 10:43 AM on May 24, 2019 [23 favorites]
Do you have anxiety? Was the divorce particularly stressful or even traumatic in any way?
I have a lot of anxiety around relationships and I get like this when I'm developing feelings and it scares me. I also get this way when I'm picking up on something that raising some kind of flag, however subtle. If I start experiencing excessive anxiety or feelings of doubt it's typically a sign that something isn't right, even if it's subtle and I haven't fully, consciously picked up on what's happening yet.
Sometimes the line between what's anxiety and what's legitimate doubt is very murky. Your best bet is to not discount these feelings but not act on them, either. Just let them come and pass and observe his behavior. If it really is your gut telling you something, that will become abundantly clear with time.
posted by Amy93 at 10:45 AM on May 24, 2019 [4 favorites]
I have a lot of anxiety around relationships and I get like this when I'm developing feelings and it scares me. I also get this way when I'm picking up on something that raising some kind of flag, however subtle. If I start experiencing excessive anxiety or feelings of doubt it's typically a sign that something isn't right, even if it's subtle and I haven't fully, consciously picked up on what's happening yet.
Sometimes the line between what's anxiety and what's legitimate doubt is very murky. Your best bet is to not discount these feelings but not act on them, either. Just let them come and pass and observe his behavior. If it really is your gut telling you something, that will become abundantly clear with time.
posted by Amy93 at 10:45 AM on May 24, 2019 [4 favorites]
It seems like maybe you're strongly sexually attracted to him, but not so much romantically attracted? I also feel like Aym93's comment above about anxiety rings very true for me. You're feeling anxious around certain things happening and it could be helpful to just sit with those feelings for a while. Maybe despite "all the good things" there's just something about this relationship that isn't working for you and that is okay.
posted by augustimagination at 10:52 AM on May 24, 2019 [4 favorites]
posted by augustimagination at 10:52 AM on May 24, 2019 [4 favorites]
My first actual post-divorce relationship was kind of similar to this. I was interested in dating people but couldn't allow myself to be attached to a specific person, if that makes sense. The idea of actually staying with this person for more than a month or two was just impossible --not bad, just inconceivable. I thought I would never have a good relationship again where I could form a healthy attachment to someone due to the trauma of my unexpected divorce, in which I learned my ex was a very different person than I thought she was. It took a while to get back into a headspace where I could feel comfortable dealing with someone where I could be okay with their flaws and actually allow myself to feel disappointed when they disappointed me, etc.
I was relieved when the first post-divorce relationship partner broke it off . I just continued casually dating until I felt okay easing into a new relationship that lasted, and I took that really slow too. In retrospect, I really should have gone to therapy earlier than I did. If you also had a traumatic divorce, I'd encourage seeing someone, even just on a limited basis (I only ended up going every other week for like six months).
It doesn't sound like you're saying this guy is perfect except I can't like him all the time -- so how would you feel about breaking up with him? Not about the managing-the-breakup part, but afterwards, would you feel relief if you didn't have to think about him every day? If he's not so great you want to force yourself to like him, there's no reason to bother. Let yourself heal.
posted by possibilityleft at 11:03 AM on May 24, 2019 [5 favorites]
I was relieved when the first post-divorce relationship partner broke it off . I just continued casually dating until I felt okay easing into a new relationship that lasted, and I took that really slow too. In retrospect, I really should have gone to therapy earlier than I did. If you also had a traumatic divorce, I'd encourage seeing someone, even just on a limited basis (I only ended up going every other week for like six months).
It doesn't sound like you're saying this guy is perfect except I can't like him all the time -- so how would you feel about breaking up with him? Not about the managing-the-breakup part, but afterwards, would you feel relief if you didn't have to think about him every day? If he's not so great you want to force yourself to like him, there's no reason to bother. Let yourself heal.
posted by possibilityleft at 11:03 AM on May 24, 2019 [5 favorites]
Give yourself a little space to do some sleuthing and get a better hold on what's actually going on here. Do a little digging about why those behaviors bother you, before you start writing your breakup script.
So to do that, give yourself permission not to make every emotion you feel a referendum on whether or not you should stay in the relationship. Just recognize it and tag it. Lustful, passionate feels? If you want you can tag them as just feelings, to start, or you can tag them as good feelings or bad feelings, if that helps.
But give yourself space. It's ok to not be CERTAIN how you want to proceed every day of this budding relationship.
You've recognized that most of your negative feelings are around his etiquette. And then you've charged directly into either auditing him and then sizing him up as the problem ("he's a mannerless chud!") or yourself as the problem ("I'm Judith Martin with out of control hormones!") -- before you've even diagnosed if there IS a problem!
It's possible you're both right, and you can peacefully relationshipize with this difference of behaving in the world. Or maybe you can't.
Does his etiquette bother you because you feel like you can't be party to it? Is he so insensitive that if you weren't having the best sex ever with him you would actively try to correct him or get away from him? If so, that might be a problem - although before you break up with him you could just share with him that you don't like it when he does X.
Or does his etiquette bother you because you feel like his behavior says something about you? Because it doesn't really -- anybody who blames you for something he did is the real mannerless chud that you should drop like a hot rock. You're not responsible for his behavior and he's not responsible for yours.
posted by pazazygeek at 11:15 AM on May 24, 2019 [6 favorites]
So to do that, give yourself permission not to make every emotion you feel a referendum on whether or not you should stay in the relationship. Just recognize it and tag it. Lustful, passionate feels? If you want you can tag them as just feelings, to start, or you can tag them as good feelings or bad feelings, if that helps.
But give yourself space. It's ok to not be CERTAIN how you want to proceed every day of this budding relationship.
You've recognized that most of your negative feelings are around his etiquette. And then you've charged directly into either auditing him and then sizing him up as the problem ("he's a mannerless chud!") or yourself as the problem ("I'm Judith Martin with out of control hormones!") -- before you've even diagnosed if there IS a problem!
It's possible you're both right, and you can peacefully relationshipize with this difference of behaving in the world. Or maybe you can't.
Does his etiquette bother you because you feel like you can't be party to it? Is he so insensitive that if you weren't having the best sex ever with him you would actively try to correct him or get away from him? If so, that might be a problem - although before you break up with him you could just share with him that you don't like it when he does X.
Or does his etiquette bother you because you feel like his behavior says something about you? Because it doesn't really -- anybody who blames you for something he did is the real mannerless chud that you should drop like a hot rock. You're not responsible for his behavior and he's not responsible for yours.
posted by pazazygeek at 11:15 AM on May 24, 2019 [6 favorites]
Reading your post, I had the strong sense that your warring halves are both correct and IMO reconcilable. You are learning about someone, both their good and bad sides. You are strongly attracted to them, AND ALSO you seem to like them, AND ALSO the feeling seems to be mutual... To me, this type of connection and feeling is rare and valuable. Perhaps I'm biased, but I wouldn't simply throw this relationship away or even "try to be grounded" i.e. cognitively lessen its appeal and significance to me, based on something as small as "did not pick up friend's tab when he should have."
Instead, I suggest you deal with this in ways that deepen your intimacy and strengthen your connection. Share your feelings with him, see what he says. I would suggest that you (a) modulate the expression of your feelings before you share them (it might be unkind to say that you re-evaluate the relationship every time he picks his nose), and (b) arm yourself with the psychological and verbal tools to remain as non-judgemental, accepting, and purely curious as you can manage during the conversation.
In other words, don't think of this as an inquisition. Your goal is to find out how he thinks, which values drive his choices, what makes him tick. That is an exciting and engaging part of building intimacy. This is the everyday stuff of real relationships and true connections. This is you fully embracing your life, getting into the living of it, grabbing hold of life's unruly heart and wrangling it into beating the rhythm that most appeals to you.
You may find that he has values that are different from yours, less desirable than yours. That's not the end of your path, necessarily. You can share with him how you think and feel, and see how he reacts. Does he react with curiosity, asking you about yourself and what shaped your thoughts and beliefs? Does he make a joke about your hormones, and does that joke appeal to you? Does he seem influenced, does he turn over the idea of trying out your values right then and there, as you sit on the couch with your legs in his lap? And what about you? Have you been changed by the views he shared? Do his values and his choices help you make more sense of him? What did his body say to you, and what did his humor tell you, and what about the way he sips his coffee while he's listening to you talk about how his behavior annoyed you? Does this fuller person seem closer to you or did he shift a little bit away? And do you feel like moving closer to him or not?
I mean, this sounds like a whole lot of Dead Poets Society crap, but there's no way around it. I sincerely believe this is how we learn to live: in relation to one another. No woman is an island. Infatuation is such a disparaging word for these precious feelings and connections.
posted by MiraK at 11:17 AM on May 24, 2019 [24 favorites]
Instead, I suggest you deal with this in ways that deepen your intimacy and strengthen your connection. Share your feelings with him, see what he says. I would suggest that you (a) modulate the expression of your feelings before you share them (it might be unkind to say that you re-evaluate the relationship every time he picks his nose), and (b) arm yourself with the psychological and verbal tools to remain as non-judgemental, accepting, and purely curious as you can manage during the conversation.
In other words, don't think of this as an inquisition. Your goal is to find out how he thinks, which values drive his choices, what makes him tick. That is an exciting and engaging part of building intimacy. This is the everyday stuff of real relationships and true connections. This is you fully embracing your life, getting into the living of it, grabbing hold of life's unruly heart and wrangling it into beating the rhythm that most appeals to you.
You may find that he has values that are different from yours, less desirable than yours. That's not the end of your path, necessarily. You can share with him how you think and feel, and see how he reacts. Does he react with curiosity, asking you about yourself and what shaped your thoughts and beliefs? Does he make a joke about your hormones, and does that joke appeal to you? Does he seem influenced, does he turn over the idea of trying out your values right then and there, as you sit on the couch with your legs in his lap? And what about you? Have you been changed by the views he shared? Do his values and his choices help you make more sense of him? What did his body say to you, and what did his humor tell you, and what about the way he sips his coffee while he's listening to you talk about how his behavior annoyed you? Does this fuller person seem closer to you or did he shift a little bit away? And do you feel like moving closer to him or not?
I mean, this sounds like a whole lot of Dead Poets Society crap, but there's no way around it. I sincerely believe this is how we learn to live: in relation to one another. No woman is an island. Infatuation is such a disparaging word for these precious feelings and connections.
posted by MiraK at 11:17 AM on May 24, 2019 [24 favorites]
Your first post-divorce relationship. This, pretty much, says it all.
If you stay with this guy, you'll go from marriage to another permanent relationship without any temporary relationships in between. For many of us post divorce, this isn't a completely comfortable idea. And for many of us, having a generous spirit towards aspects of a partner that we don't particularly like isn't because the guy is so perfect -- no one is! -- it's because we really want a committed relationship, we're ready for one, and so the incompatible traits are simply easier to wave off. The cracker chewing sounds are always annoying but sound farther away somehow. Focusing on the big picture over the irritations -- leading in your heart with a consistent sense of "I want this to work" -- is never just because the other person is so absolutely perfect but also, and perhaps more importantly, because we now just really want something that is stable and permanent and committed, and that requires a ton of adjustment and compromise. And those compromises are just naturally much, much easier, and don't seem to set off alarm bells the same way, only once you really want something to last. And that can take a while after divorce --, it can come from being weary of short post-divorce relationships.
So -- maybe listen to the part of you that's balking, and recognize you might have flip-flopping like this with *anyone* in your first post-divorce relationship... until you're feeling the need for a partner who comes, as they all, do warts-and-all.
posted by nantucket at 11:18 AM on May 24, 2019 [6 favorites]
If you stay with this guy, you'll go from marriage to another permanent relationship without any temporary relationships in between. For many of us post divorce, this isn't a completely comfortable idea. And for many of us, having a generous spirit towards aspects of a partner that we don't particularly like isn't because the guy is so perfect -- no one is! -- it's because we really want a committed relationship, we're ready for one, and so the incompatible traits are simply easier to wave off. The cracker chewing sounds are always annoying but sound farther away somehow. Focusing on the big picture over the irritations -- leading in your heart with a consistent sense of "I want this to work" -- is never just because the other person is so absolutely perfect but also, and perhaps more importantly, because we now just really want something that is stable and permanent and committed, and that requires a ton of adjustment and compromise. And those compromises are just naturally much, much easier, and don't seem to set off alarm bells the same way, only once you really want something to last. And that can take a while after divorce --, it can come from being weary of short post-divorce relationships.
So -- maybe listen to the part of you that's balking, and recognize you might have flip-flopping like this with *anyone* in your first post-divorce relationship... until you're feeling the need for a partner who comes, as they all, do warts-and-all.
posted by nantucket at 11:18 AM on May 24, 2019 [6 favorites]
Response by poster: Regarding internet fraud detective squad, station number 9’s questions 2 & 3, that’s part of what I think makes these oscillating feelings ridiculous, because I have talked to him about it each time and although he’s a little baffled, he’s totally willing to change for me. Truly, he’s lovely. But my feelings still go whoomp. I think part of it is that I got into too much of a dynamic with my ex-husband of trying to make him into what I wanted instead of just leaving him, and I still don’t know where to draw that line. Maybe that’s my real question—how much is it reasonable to ask a partner to change?
posted by Bluesocking at 11:26 AM on May 24, 2019
posted by Bluesocking at 11:26 AM on May 24, 2019
Also, I was raised with upper-middle-class sensibilities in matters of etiquette, a background which has been a problem in every romantic relationship I’ve ever had. Help.
I just want to address this part because I grew up relatively poor but, having come from the Old Country, was raised with concepts of etiquette that here are generally considered upper-middle-class. There's unfortunately a real, firm clash between a lot of that sort of etiquette and having to set necessary boundaries around, in this specific case, money.
There have been countless times when I've had to beat back the "as a civilized human being, I have to pick this tab up" siren in my head because specific context made that the wrong choice. Maybe because my friend who I was with is great company but secretly a mooch and I'm tired of picking up the tab or he owes me $20 from last week so he might as well get the coffee. Maybe because I had the money but needed to save it. There's a lot of reasons that etiquette wouldn't be the primary priority in a situation but those reasons might be invisible to someone looking in from the outside and for a lot of them I would absolutely never reveal them to someone I was dating.
I absolutely get the embarrassment (etc.) of being around someone you think has made a poor choice in etiquette. I can even say that it hurts to have that happen around you and it can generate some intense feelings. So when that happens, and it isn't plainly obvious this person is being actively shitty (which sounds like the case here) try to reframe it as "this person is setting necessary boundaries in a way that may come off as rude." Because it's a lot easier to cut someone some slack when you can reconsider rudeness as an awareness of one's limits (financial or otherwise) and an ability to appropriately work around them, and that's very much a positive trait.
posted by griphus at 11:41 AM on May 24, 2019 [10 favorites]
I just want to address this part because I grew up relatively poor but, having come from the Old Country, was raised with concepts of etiquette that here are generally considered upper-middle-class. There's unfortunately a real, firm clash between a lot of that sort of etiquette and having to set necessary boundaries around, in this specific case, money.
There have been countless times when I've had to beat back the "as a civilized human being, I have to pick this tab up" siren in my head because specific context made that the wrong choice. Maybe because my friend who I was with is great company but secretly a mooch and I'm tired of picking up the tab or he owes me $20 from last week so he might as well get the coffee. Maybe because I had the money but needed to save it. There's a lot of reasons that etiquette wouldn't be the primary priority in a situation but those reasons might be invisible to someone looking in from the outside and for a lot of them I would absolutely never reveal them to someone I was dating.
I absolutely get the embarrassment (etc.) of being around someone you think has made a poor choice in etiquette. I can even say that it hurts to have that happen around you and it can generate some intense feelings. So when that happens, and it isn't plainly obvious this person is being actively shitty (which sounds like the case here) try to reframe it as "this person is setting necessary boundaries in a way that may come off as rude." Because it's a lot easier to cut someone some slack when you can reconsider rudeness as an awareness of one's limits (financial or otherwise) and an ability to appropriately work around them, and that's very much a positive trait.
posted by griphus at 11:41 AM on May 24, 2019 [10 favorites]
Before I could begin to guess (and I could speculate about relationships, and especially post-divorce dating, all day!), I have a few things I'm curious about: I'm wondering how long ago you were divorced and what the context of the divorce was (it sounds like you initiated the divorce when you decided you were incompatible with your ex-husband?). I'm also wondering how long you've been seeing the new guy. You're saying "girlfriend," so it sounds like it's been a bit?
If it's pretty soon after the divorce and/or if your divorce was pretty traumatic, then I could see you have an attachment injury that makes you want to flee when anything is amiss or less than perfect. You could be looking for faults and reasons not to like this guy. This guy sounds pretty amazing, and that can be wonderful and scary. The fact that the sex is so great and you like him so much might make all this even a bit scarier (even if not consciously), and there's a little voice in your head going, "Ah-ha! He's a cheapskate! I knew he wasn't perfect! In fact, he's terrible, and I should bolt NOW! Run for your life before you're married and stuck with him and then want to get divorced ... again!"
In attachment theory (I highly recommend reading the book Attached), the idea is that a person with an avoidant attachment style (which could come about following something like a divorce) fears intimacy, even though they also need intimacy, like all humans. When a relationship feels especially intimate -- like perhaps when someone is dating an amazing guy and has the most passionate sex of her life -- they are more like to use "deactivating strategies" to get some distance and protect themselves. It's exactly because you are feeling so emotional and intimate that you are looking to find fault with this guy, and it's definitely not a coincidence that your most negative feelings towards him will often follow your most intimate experiences.
In the bigger picture: if you find manners super important but you keep ending up with men who don't follow the same etiquette, perhaps you should look at that a bit? Is it possible you're drawn to people who, deep down, you know you can't find super compatible?
posted by bluedaisy at 12:03 PM on May 24, 2019 [3 favorites]
If it's pretty soon after the divorce and/or if your divorce was pretty traumatic, then I could see you have an attachment injury that makes you want to flee when anything is amiss or less than perfect. You could be looking for faults and reasons not to like this guy. This guy sounds pretty amazing, and that can be wonderful and scary. The fact that the sex is so great and you like him so much might make all this even a bit scarier (even if not consciously), and there's a little voice in your head going, "Ah-ha! He's a cheapskate! I knew he wasn't perfect! In fact, he's terrible, and I should bolt NOW! Run for your life before you're married and stuck with him and then want to get divorced ... again!"
In attachment theory (I highly recommend reading the book Attached), the idea is that a person with an avoidant attachment style (which could come about following something like a divorce) fears intimacy, even though they also need intimacy, like all humans. When a relationship feels especially intimate -- like perhaps when someone is dating an amazing guy and has the most passionate sex of her life -- they are more like to use "deactivating strategies" to get some distance and protect themselves. It's exactly because you are feeling so emotional and intimate that you are looking to find fault with this guy, and it's definitely not a coincidence that your most negative feelings towards him will often follow your most intimate experiences.
In the bigger picture: if you find manners super important but you keep ending up with men who don't follow the same etiquette, perhaps you should look at that a bit? Is it possible you're drawn to people who, deep down, you know you can't find super compatible?
posted by bluedaisy at 12:03 PM on May 24, 2019 [3 favorites]
I have had this with numerous relationships.
For me, it is rooted in my OCD. Perfectionism. All-or-nothing thinking. Do you have anything like that going on?
posted by kbbbo at 12:17 PM on May 24, 2019 [1 favorite]
For me, it is rooted in my OCD. Perfectionism. All-or-nothing thinking. Do you have anything like that going on?
posted by kbbbo at 12:17 PM on May 24, 2019 [1 favorite]
It’s interesting that you say he’s totally willing to change for you. Is that the default assumption, that HE’S in the wrong and should change? Since this topic has been a problem in all of your relationships, I would give this some thought.
posted by yawper at 12:33 PM on May 24, 2019 [3 favorites]
posted by yawper at 12:33 PM on May 24, 2019 [3 favorites]
I think it would be helpful to consider how we are taught manners and etiquette as kids. First of all, I have kids, and I remember my manners and etiquette training quite well for myself and siblings, so i fully know and remember that it's no small job for him to "change" this. Behavior training and modification takes full time consistent ongoing effort. For adults this can take years or, more likely, never fully take at all. This doesnt seem like a good idea to agree to take on together in the beginning stages of a new relationship. His manners embrassed you because when you messed up as a kid you were shamed. You go hot/cold towards him in relation to his manners and etiquette because you were taught them by reward/punishment. If you arent willing to go to therapy to adress this, (behaviour modification's status currently sits as... controversial. It's coming into realization as a form of abuse.) Then is there any reason why you aren't just dating people with upper middle class backgrounds to begin with? Also, this could all just be
.. a typical rebound.
posted by OnefortheLast at 12:38 PM on May 24, 2019
.. a typical rebound.
posted by OnefortheLast at 12:38 PM on May 24, 2019
I know you’re a different person than me, but I ignored many red flags in my first post-divorce relationship where I also had amazing sex. And I was out of a marriage where sex had disappeared (and I do mean completely), so I really placed a premium on it.
posted by O9scar at 1:20 PM on May 24, 2019 [2 favorites]
posted by O9scar at 1:20 PM on May 24, 2019 [2 favorites]
I'm only able to write, or think, in small bursts due to being a lower class single parent.
Which is also why I have far less time and energy to teach my kids such things or expose them to people and situations to teach them such things. So their eittique won't ever be the same as an upper class peer. By simple resource allocation.
Look you don't just teach a kid table manners once. You teach them 471773 times. You start when they're toddlers and you hope to hell they stick by the time they're 10ish.
I don't know why on gods green earth anyone would ever want to do this with another adult they're in a relationship with. Just no. Expecting him to change = very bad idea.
posted by OnefortheLast at 1:28 PM on May 24, 2019 [3 favorites]
Which is also why I have far less time and energy to teach my kids such things or expose them to people and situations to teach them such things. So their eittique won't ever be the same as an upper class peer. By simple resource allocation.
Look you don't just teach a kid table manners once. You teach them 471773 times. You start when they're toddlers and you hope to hell they stick by the time they're 10ish.
I don't know why on gods green earth anyone would ever want to do this with another adult they're in a relationship with. Just no. Expecting him to change = very bad idea.
posted by OnefortheLast at 1:28 PM on May 24, 2019 [3 favorites]
This sounds like the way I felt when I was in the throes of the rebound after a divorce.
posted by Morpeth at 2:45 PM on May 24, 2019 [5 favorites]
posted by Morpeth at 2:45 PM on May 24, 2019 [5 favorites]
Because I haven't seen it mentioned above: Get some medical help managing perimenopause. It can be a bear for some women (like me). Almost like being forced to go through teenage puberty again with accompanying hot flashes to set the scene. I found that hormones are my friend... and you may see much of these emotions you're experiencing easier once your in hormonal balance again.
posted by summerstorm at 2:52 PM on May 24, 2019 [1 favorite]
posted by summerstorm at 2:52 PM on May 24, 2019 [1 favorite]
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by all the light we cannot see at 10:33 AM on May 24, 2019 [20 favorites]