How to help a teenager not antagonize others?
March 6, 2019 2:56 PM
How do I support my teenage sister's emotional and social development when I do not live with her and see her only once a month?
My little sister is 15, a sophomore in high school, and lives with my parents one state over from me. I have been living with my parents short term since January, so have had a chance to see her in her home environment for an extended amount of time. I am concerned that she does not get enough socialization with peers.
I have not observed her mentioning or interacting with anyone from high school, and she is no longer in contact with friends from elementary or middle school, so I assume that she does not have any friendships with kids her age.
At home, her antisocial tendencies go unchecked. My parents do not provide her feedback on her negative behaviors and tend to treat her like a much younger child. My parents are aware of her issues, and if given the proper venue, would be happy to support her. However, they are not able to offer her explicit guidance and opportunities for socialization due to their own issues.
My sister is very interested in art and anime. I have already booked her to go on a teen travel group to Japan this summer with about 10 other kids her age from all over the United States. However, I am concerned that she needs additional support on how to interact positively with her peers before she goes on this trip.
Last summer, my parents signed her up for an art class for teens her age at a local college. After the program ended, I emailed her teacher hoping to see if he had other art-related recommendations for her. He shared with me that she antagonized him and her classmates every session that summer, picked fights with the other kids (not sure what was meant by fights exactly, but I don't think physical) and drew unflattering caricatures of the teacher to his face. The teacher explained that he only kept her in class because she had artistic talent enough to merit the studio time. She apologized to him before the last class, and when I let her know that I was reaching out to him for recommendations, she hinted that she knew she'd made bad decisions in that class. After learning this from him, I casually emailed some of her school teachers to suss out if she does this at school and it seems like this behavior was isolated to just the summer program. I thought this was a disturbing one off, but last weekend, when my MIL (in her 60s) and SIL (in her mid 30s) were visiting me, she stonewalled them with angry glares over dinner, spoke dismissively to everyone who was not me/my partner, and was generally unable or unwilling to interact on the right side of polite-but-over-it-teen. It reminded me of an earlier incident that I initially brushed off -- I took her to my friend's birthday party last year where there were a couple of kids her age, and upon arrival, she stopped talking and spent the entire time sitting silently next to me, staring at her feet, despite multiple conversational prompts from others and an offering from me to go hang out in another room for a while. She had been her version of excited to go to this party beforehand. If she had shown indications of knowing how to "fake" being social or was able to pass as minimally "teen polite" in these settings, I would not be so concerned.
She is perfectly fine when hanging out with me and my partner (both in our 30s).
I do not want her Japan trip this summer to begin without having some sort of socialization correction in a controlled, positive, and structured way. A therapist friend recommended group work, but when I looked into that, it seems like those groups are for skill levels that are lower than hers, and I do not think that would be useful for her. What can I do to help set her up to get more peer socialization given that I do not live with her and see her but once a month?
My little sister is 15, a sophomore in high school, and lives with my parents one state over from me. I have been living with my parents short term since January, so have had a chance to see her in her home environment for an extended amount of time. I am concerned that she does not get enough socialization with peers.
I have not observed her mentioning or interacting with anyone from high school, and she is no longer in contact with friends from elementary or middle school, so I assume that she does not have any friendships with kids her age.
At home, her antisocial tendencies go unchecked. My parents do not provide her feedback on her negative behaviors and tend to treat her like a much younger child. My parents are aware of her issues, and if given the proper venue, would be happy to support her. However, they are not able to offer her explicit guidance and opportunities for socialization due to their own issues.
My sister is very interested in art and anime. I have already booked her to go on a teen travel group to Japan this summer with about 10 other kids her age from all over the United States. However, I am concerned that she needs additional support on how to interact positively with her peers before she goes on this trip.
Last summer, my parents signed her up for an art class for teens her age at a local college. After the program ended, I emailed her teacher hoping to see if he had other art-related recommendations for her. He shared with me that she antagonized him and her classmates every session that summer, picked fights with the other kids (not sure what was meant by fights exactly, but I don't think physical) and drew unflattering caricatures of the teacher to his face. The teacher explained that he only kept her in class because she had artistic talent enough to merit the studio time. She apologized to him before the last class, and when I let her know that I was reaching out to him for recommendations, she hinted that she knew she'd made bad decisions in that class. After learning this from him, I casually emailed some of her school teachers to suss out if she does this at school and it seems like this behavior was isolated to just the summer program. I thought this was a disturbing one off, but last weekend, when my MIL (in her 60s) and SIL (in her mid 30s) were visiting me, she stonewalled them with angry glares over dinner, spoke dismissively to everyone who was not me/my partner, and was generally unable or unwilling to interact on the right side of polite-but-over-it-teen. It reminded me of an earlier incident that I initially brushed off -- I took her to my friend's birthday party last year where there were a couple of kids her age, and upon arrival, she stopped talking and spent the entire time sitting silently next to me, staring at her feet, despite multiple conversational prompts from others and an offering from me to go hang out in another room for a while. She had been her version of excited to go to this party beforehand. If she had shown indications of knowing how to "fake" being social or was able to pass as minimally "teen polite" in these settings, I would not be so concerned.
She is perfectly fine when hanging out with me and my partner (both in our 30s).
I do not want her Japan trip this summer to begin without having some sort of socialization correction in a controlled, positive, and structured way. A therapist friend recommended group work, but when I looked into that, it seems like those groups are for skill levels that are lower than hers, and I do not think that would be useful for her. What can I do to help set her up to get more peer socialization given that I do not live with her and see her but once a month?
I don't know, she sounds like a teenager, especially the sullen introversion and hostile comments. She sounds like she needs to develop some social skills. Or, she may develop them on her own -- she did apologize to the teacher, didn't she?
Having taught 15-year-olds, and being the parent of a teen, sometimes they're going to scribble a nasty caricature of you and then apologize.
Sometimes your 15-year-old teenager is going to be a major pain-in-the-ass around the house. Sometimes they're going to be socially awkward. I will also say that there are teachers who try to engage or manage kids like this, and there are other teachers who take it personally and indulge in an adversarial, "tough love" approach.
(As a parent I am also really curious about the mechanism by which teachers disclosed private information about a student to a person who is not identified as a primary caregiver.)
If she's not threatening anyone emotionally or physically, what's the big deal?
Besides, traveling to another country -- especially Japan -- is going to be a totally new experience. Presumably your niece will have other things to focus on other than trying to be irritating.
The best thing you can do is figure out a tactful way to ask questions, and then listen.
And if you don't feel like she's ready to go to Japan, then just cancel the trip. And explain why.
Assuming you are the person arranging and paying for the trip, setting reasonable conditions on participation -- and then helping her succeed -- is a powerful motivator.
posted by JamesBay at 4:07 PM on March 6, 2019
Having taught 15-year-olds, and being the parent of a teen, sometimes they're going to scribble a nasty caricature of you and then apologize.
Sometimes your 15-year-old teenager is going to be a major pain-in-the-ass around the house. Sometimes they're going to be socially awkward. I will also say that there are teachers who try to engage or manage kids like this, and there are other teachers who take it personally and indulge in an adversarial, "tough love" approach.
(As a parent I am also really curious about the mechanism by which teachers disclosed private information about a student to a person who is not identified as a primary caregiver.)
If she's not threatening anyone emotionally or physically, what's the big deal?
Besides, traveling to another country -- especially Japan -- is going to be a totally new experience. Presumably your niece will have other things to focus on other than trying to be irritating.
The best thing you can do is figure out a tactful way to ask questions, and then listen.
And if you don't feel like she's ready to go to Japan, then just cancel the trip. And explain why.
Assuming you are the person arranging and paying for the trip, setting reasonable conditions on participation -- and then helping her succeed -- is a powerful motivator.
posted by JamesBay at 4:07 PM on March 6, 2019
can you spend some one-on-one time with her? like, a fairly extended uninterrupted chunk of time that will give you some space for wandering, unfocused conversations?
it sounds like you're an adult she feels safe around (based on what you said about last weekend's dinner, and the birthday party), and that something is going on that's making her act out.
she might need therapy, or group counseling, or something along those lines, but she also probably needs to talk to someone who is going to treat her as the best authority on her own feelings and where they're coming from (although she might have no clue how to process them in a healthy way, or what they portend for her future) and relate to her as a fellow human being and not a problem to be solved.
the first big thing she opens up about will probably not be the thing that's really weighing on her. stay with her and keep talking. if she wants to stop digging into it, stop digging, but come back to it again on another day.
ask her what she's doing online. not so you can judge or monitor it -- you're her sister. stay on her level and on her side. but find out.
none of this is intended to "fix" her social anxiety, especially on a summer trip deadline, but IMHO this is the groundwork you need to lay down to start tackling stuff like that.
also, huge props to you for giving a shit, taking your role as an older sibling seriously, and not taking the easy way out with her.
posted by prize bull octorok at 4:10 PM on March 6, 2019
it sounds like you're an adult she feels safe around (based on what you said about last weekend's dinner, and the birthday party), and that something is going on that's making her act out.
she might need therapy, or group counseling, or something along those lines, but she also probably needs to talk to someone who is going to treat her as the best authority on her own feelings and where they're coming from (although she might have no clue how to process them in a healthy way, or what they portend for her future) and relate to her as a fellow human being and not a problem to be solved.
the first big thing she opens up about will probably not be the thing that's really weighing on her. stay with her and keep talking. if she wants to stop digging into it, stop digging, but come back to it again on another day.
ask her what she's doing online. not so you can judge or monitor it -- you're her sister. stay on her level and on her side. but find out.
none of this is intended to "fix" her social anxiety, especially on a summer trip deadline, but IMHO this is the groundwork you need to lay down to start tackling stuff like that.
also, huge props to you for giving a shit, taking your role as an older sibling seriously, and not taking the easy way out with her.
posted by prize bull octorok at 4:10 PM on March 6, 2019
I mean this kindly, but I think you're blurring the roles of parent and sibling here. I'm on mobile so will follow up later but wanted to throw it out there.
posted by nakedmolerats at 4:43 PM on March 6, 2019
posted by nakedmolerats at 4:43 PM on March 6, 2019
So, you're framing this as an issue of inadequate skill level in socializing, but I doubt she would characterize it in exactly the same way. How does she perceive her own behavior? For example maybe she thinks she's reacting to some type of deceptive behavior with appropriate or deserved hostility. Or any one of a myriad of other possibilities.
In any case, I'd think engaging with her on her own terms, whatever they may be and whether or not you agree with them, may be more effective than speaking in terms of a deficiency of social skills or "socialization correction". Which would probably come off as patronizing.
posted by XMLicious at 4:44 PM on March 6, 2019
In any case, I'd think engaging with her on her own terms, whatever they may be and whether or not you agree with them, may be more effective than speaking in terms of a deficiency of social skills or "socialization correction". Which would probably come off as patronizing.
posted by XMLicious at 4:44 PM on March 6, 2019
> A therapist friend recommended group work, but when I looked into that, it seems like those groups are for skill levels that are lower than hers, and I do not think that would be useful for her
Can you find a social skills group for girls who are on the autism spectrum? I'm not saying that she is, but those sorts of groups are often open to all kinds of people who can use extra coaching for reading social cues, etc. Aspiring Youth is the program I'm familiar with, in Seattle; maybe they can point you towards one in your area.
posted by The corpse in the library at 4:45 PM on March 6, 2019
Can you find a social skills group for girls who are on the autism spectrum? I'm not saying that she is, but those sorts of groups are often open to all kinds of people who can use extra coaching for reading social cues, etc. Aspiring Youth is the program I'm familiar with, in Seattle; maybe they can point you towards one in your area.
posted by The corpse in the library at 4:45 PM on March 6, 2019
Sometimes you have to tell kids how to behave directly. Ideally before they turn 15 but as a fellow aunt I am not slow to prompt then when socially appropriate noises and actions are not forthcoming. A simple mention that she need shake the hosts hand upon introduction and say thanks, for example. Or a discussion on the way home about how small talk IS occasionally expected and how it's rude go completely ignore others when they speak to you. Usually I get some variation of "they're stupid so I feel free to ignore them" which is a cover for whatever the real reason is, and I explain that other people have feelings too and we live in a society etc etc. Years of patiently repeating this in a kindly tone generally yields a socially functional 17 or 18 year old. Hopefully.
posted by fshgrl at 5:19 PM on March 6, 2019
posted by fshgrl at 5:19 PM on March 6, 2019
From this limited perspective she sounds a lot like I did when I was her age or slightly younger. What I was, was in deep alienated pain. I had depression and severe social anxiety and no one would have known if I hadn't told them. It wasn't lack of social skills, but attempting to protect myself from pain, and lashing out in an attempt to cover how deeply uncomfortable and ashamed I was. But this may not be her case at all, which is my point. I agree with XMLicious that if you want to help her you need to figure out what's going on inside her from her own lips.
posted by wellifyouinsist at 5:30 PM on March 6, 2019
posted by wellifyouinsist at 5:30 PM on March 6, 2019
I have a 16 year old who is similar to this in some ways - had trouble finding friends in high school, into art and anime. I think you're over reactivating or perhaps making judgements without complete information.
You've got a few examples of behaviour that take place over the course of a year or so, and that aren't even all with peers.
High school is tough, and if you don't fit in, sometimes you just go without friends. My kid didn’t have much of a social life until very recently following a school change. It’s not necessarily anything your sister is doing wrong - her people may just not be at her high school.
So give corrections when it happens like fshgirl describes , but also realize you’re only seeing a little slice of her life. How are her grades? Does she have goals and ambitions for her life? How does she spend her time? How stressful is her day to day life?
I do think that if you take away a promised trip to Japan because of behavior she already apologized for last summer, not talking at a party, and not being polite to your in-laws, that will seem cruel and arbitrary, and could destroy your relationship with her.
posted by jeoc at 6:02 PM on March 6, 2019
You've got a few examples of behaviour that take place over the course of a year or so, and that aren't even all with peers.
High school is tough, and if you don't fit in, sometimes you just go without friends. My kid didn’t have much of a social life until very recently following a school change. It’s not necessarily anything your sister is doing wrong - her people may just not be at her high school.
So give corrections when it happens like fshgirl describes , but also realize you’re only seeing a little slice of her life. How are her grades? Does she have goals and ambitions for her life? How does she spend her time? How stressful is her day to day life?
I do think that if you take away a promised trip to Japan because of behavior she already apologized for last summer, not talking at a party, and not being polite to your in-laws, that will seem cruel and arbitrary, and could destroy your relationship with her.
posted by jeoc at 6:02 PM on March 6, 2019
Honestly this sounds more like a physical issue rather than a social one. At that age I had wildly changing hormones and a lot of anxiety and depression related to it. It caused me to become irrationally irritated at people, have insane bouts of uncontrollable rage, and as a result feel uncomfortable in social interactions because I later felt embarrassed. Maybe she can go to a doctor to check if there is something throwing her mood out of whack?
posted by joan_holloway at 6:11 PM on March 6, 2019
posted by joan_holloway at 6:11 PM on March 6, 2019
As mentioned above, I think you have to be careful in choosing whether your relationship is one where you're the authority and she's the child, or one where you're her friend and someone she knows she can lean on. Personally, I think the friends relationship is probably both more what she needs right now and has a better chance of surviving into the future.
posted by trig at 10:48 PM on March 6, 2019
posted by trig at 10:48 PM on March 6, 2019
I agree that this sounds like more of an issue of anxiety and possibly depression manifesting as bad behavior - especially if your sister is able to express remorse about it later on. Are your parents totally checked out of the situation? I know you mentioned that you're only home for a short period of time, but if your parents can't (or are unwilling) to take on the responsibility of helping your sister through this, are you able to assume medical proxy?
If nothing else, I think your sister would benefit from at least meeting with a counselor or therapist to parse out why it is that she has no peer relationships and is acting out toward certain adults. They do have them available at school, you need to start with the guidance counselor and work your way up the food chain.
posted by dancinglamb at 3:14 AM on March 7, 2019
If nothing else, I think your sister would benefit from at least meeting with a counselor or therapist to parse out why it is that she has no peer relationships and is acting out toward certain adults. They do have them available at school, you need to start with the guidance counselor and work your way up the food chain.
posted by dancinglamb at 3:14 AM on March 7, 2019
I disagree with sending a teen to therapy. It pathologists “them” as the problem. It sounds like your parents, as adults, could do with a parenting coach/therapy so they can change the dynamic at home and build better supports for your sister.
Focus on being a sister, and a friend; and get your parents the professional help they need to address their own issues. (I’m assuming their “own issues” is why you are also focusing on solving the problem you think you see instead of insisting that the adults in this situation step up and take responsibility. They don’t get to shove their responsibility to act like adults onto a 15 year old girl, don’t enable their bad behaviour that is actively hurting your sister. I suspect as well that their own issues are severe enough that you have become parentified, which is a harmful dynamic as well. Look after yourself, ok?)
posted by saucysault at 5:01 AM on March 7, 2019
Focus on being a sister, and a friend; and get your parents the professional help they need to address their own issues. (I’m assuming their “own issues” is why you are also focusing on solving the problem you think you see instead of insisting that the adults in this situation step up and take responsibility. They don’t get to shove their responsibility to act like adults onto a 15 year old girl, don’t enable their bad behaviour that is actively hurting your sister. I suspect as well that their own issues are severe enough that you have become parentified, which is a harmful dynamic as well. Look after yourself, ok?)
posted by saucysault at 5:01 AM on March 7, 2019
Hello, I am in my 40s and have been an anime fan since my mid-teens. I remember anime being a source of emotional comfort to my young self since it showed young people impacting the world in various ways. I was not a child but I was not an adult either. I wanted to be liked, but was afraid people ripping apart my emotions.
May I suggest taking her to several small anime conventions? Large ones may be too overwhelming initially. Animecons.com may have colleges or hotels holding panels on various subjects from production of a series, to fashion history, to game shows. These places also have Artist Alleys where artists showcase their work, be it original or licensed.
My keen interest overcame my shyness over a period of time and I started interacting in passing with similar convention attendees. Don’t rush her to socialize, just stay physically nearby for support. Let her be the one to decide who to interact with, she may just watch and listen for a very long time. You may even find people dressed up in costumes at the convention (cosplay) it is all part of the fun.
posted by ayc200 at 12:25 PM on March 8, 2019
May I suggest taking her to several small anime conventions? Large ones may be too overwhelming initially. Animecons.com may have colleges or hotels holding panels on various subjects from production of a series, to fashion history, to game shows. These places also have Artist Alleys where artists showcase their work, be it original or licensed.
My keen interest overcame my shyness over a period of time and I started interacting in passing with similar convention attendees. Don’t rush her to socialize, just stay physically nearby for support. Let her be the one to decide who to interact with, she may just watch and listen for a very long time. You may even find people dressed up in costumes at the convention (cosplay) it is all part of the fun.
posted by ayc200 at 12:25 PM on March 8, 2019
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Most of your examples aren't necessarily peer socialization, they're general socialization with new people. Some scripts for how to handle that and ongoing conversations about it could go a long way. But maybe there's something you're missing, talk to her.
posted by momus_window at 3:12 PM on March 6, 2019