Google Hangouts, I'm coming for you - parental edition
March 6, 2019 12:09 AM Subscribe
Do you have any suggestions for parental monitoring services/apps for Google Hangouts on my kid's iPad? I have an 11-year old I need to keep tabs on, ideally including all messages, photos, and voice calls in Hangouts.
My 11-year old has an iPad that is locked with TouchID (my fingerprint only); she does not have a phone. She and some friends use Google Hangouts quite often; she does not have any other social media apps on her iPad. I'm not familiar with Hangouts so I got on to check it out, and there are some messages between my daughter and her friend about another girl at school ("if she's mean to you I will slap her" was the one that was most harsh; I think this is all talk and no action, as she has ADHD with emotional lability, but also severe anxiety [meds and therapy are being utilized] which keeps her behavior quite reserved at school. But still!) so I need to stay on top of this. I want a monitoring service that I can use that will monitor *everything* on Google Hangouts - messages, photos, and voice calls. It needs to work anywhere she goes (iPad is wifi only, generally used only at home but she does take it to occasional sleepovers). I'm willing to pay whatever I need to. I have all Apple gear (iPhone and MacBook Air). I have no problem shutting this all down, but I would like to allow her some opportunity to chat with friends if it is kind and safe, so I want to start with this approach. Do you have any recommendations? I've been looking at FlexiSPY but would love to hear your experiences with any services, as well as any other words of warning you might have about Hangouts and other linked Google services. Thanks for your help.
My 11-year old has an iPad that is locked with TouchID (my fingerprint only); she does not have a phone. She and some friends use Google Hangouts quite often; she does not have any other social media apps on her iPad. I'm not familiar with Hangouts so I got on to check it out, and there are some messages between my daughter and her friend about another girl at school ("if she's mean to you I will slap her" was the one that was most harsh; I think this is all talk and no action, as she has ADHD with emotional lability, but also severe anxiety [meds and therapy are being utilized] which keeps her behavior quite reserved at school. But still!) so I need to stay on top of this. I want a monitoring service that I can use that will monitor *everything* on Google Hangouts - messages, photos, and voice calls. It needs to work anywhere she goes (iPad is wifi only, generally used only at home but she does take it to occasional sleepovers). I'm willing to pay whatever I need to. I have all Apple gear (iPhone and MacBook Air). I have no problem shutting this all down, but I would like to allow her some opportunity to chat with friends if it is kind and safe, so I want to start with this approach. Do you have any recommendations? I've been looking at FlexiSPY but would love to hear your experiences with any services, as well as any other words of warning you might have about Hangouts and other linked Google services. Thanks for your help.
I see from your past questions that your daughter is an anxious perfectionist. And then I see you reacting very dramatically to something that doesnt sound like a big deal at all. I'd make sure you are not spying on her behind her back, because this sounds like a recipe for disaster. Based on how you've described your daughter, in her place I would never recover my trust or any sense of calmness if I found out a parent had been reading every single word I said to friends in confidence.
This can be extremely harmful to a developing adolescent, and I'd really think back on your own adolescence/puberty years and think about what constant surveilance would have done to you and your own development. It is crucial to be upfront in these matters, especially with an anxious child.
I second getting her password and telling her you have the ability to monitor, but please know that having to self-sensor is going to make a child like you describe probably feel like she has no safe private space to vent or relax or be herself and it can do lifelong harm. Ask me how I know. Please consider treading carefully.
posted by thegreatfleecircus at 5:45 AM on March 6, 2019 [36 favorites]
This can be extremely harmful to a developing adolescent, and I'd really think back on your own adolescence/puberty years and think about what constant surveilance would have done to you and your own development. It is crucial to be upfront in these matters, especially with an anxious child.
I second getting her password and telling her you have the ability to monitor, but please know that having to self-sensor is going to make a child like you describe probably feel like she has no safe private space to vent or relax or be herself and it can do lifelong harm. Ask me how I know. Please consider treading carefully.
posted by thegreatfleecircus at 5:45 AM on March 6, 2019 [36 favorites]
If you have the Google account's password, just go to hangouts.google.com in your browser and sign in there. Everything's right there for it.
Google doesn't keep recorded voice/video calls though, just a record they occurred. Anything else would have to be done by a third-party.
That's the technical side of it.
posted by deezil at 5:51 AM on March 6, 2019
Google doesn't keep recorded voice/video calls though, just a record they occurred. Anything else would have to be done by a third-party.
That's the technical side of it.
posted by deezil at 5:51 AM on March 6, 2019
The statement that seems to be instigating your actions here is a mild and really quite normal social interaction for a child of that age. Heck, in the statement you cite, your daughter appears to be emotionally supporting a friend! By offering to defend that friend from bullying! Which is an admirable thing to do, even if her method isn't optimal. But you can't even talk to her about how to redirect her understandable loyalties to her friend by using this example, now, because you appear to have obtained it by underhanded means that will -- and should! -- damage her trust in you. Don't teach your child that it is appropriate to spy on other people's private communications. Let alone teach her to use those communications to punish them or control their behaviour. You're setting her up for a lifetime of difficult relationships by doing that -- both with others and with you.
When I was eleven, I was also dealing with ADD, anxiety, and perfectionism, and my mother decided to implement a non-digital version of this kind of surveillance -- probably to ensure that my circumstances were also "kind and safe," on some level, I guess, or at least that's probably what she told herself. She read my journals, checked my mail, rifled through my school backpack to look for notes, searched under my bed and through my drawers and closet when I wasn't home. If she found anything she thought I should be punished for, she punished me for it. This is not the only reason I ceased contact with her when I was old enough to do so. But it certainly did not help. You propose to do exactly the same thing here, with this plan, just digitally. How do you think it will go?
It is not likely that I will ever contact my mother again. It took me an incredibly long time to learn to trust other humans because of what she did. Please don't do this to your child. It will not help anyone -- you, her, other kids -- and it will absolutely hurt her.
posted by halation at 7:00 AM on March 6, 2019 [11 favorites]
When I was eleven, I was also dealing with ADD, anxiety, and perfectionism, and my mother decided to implement a non-digital version of this kind of surveillance -- probably to ensure that my circumstances were also "kind and safe," on some level, I guess, or at least that's probably what she told herself. She read my journals, checked my mail, rifled through my school backpack to look for notes, searched under my bed and through my drawers and closet when I wasn't home. If she found anything she thought I should be punished for, she punished me for it. This is not the only reason I ceased contact with her when I was old enough to do so. But it certainly did not help. You propose to do exactly the same thing here, with this plan, just digitally. How do you think it will go?
It is not likely that I will ever contact my mother again. It took me an incredibly long time to learn to trust other humans because of what she did. Please don't do this to your child. It will not help anyone -- you, her, other kids -- and it will absolutely hurt her.
posted by halation at 7:00 AM on March 6, 2019 [11 favorites]
Let’s not pile on here.
You want your kid to have kind and safe relationships. This is a laudable goal!
While kids do spend a lot of time building relationships online, relationships are also formed in the schoolyard and at friends houses. These places are untouchable by monitoring software and just as prone to unkind and bullying behaviour.
Given that monitoring software doesn’t achieve your ultimate goal, how else can you solve the problem? Are you doing family dinners, 1:1 time, opportunistic conversations on the topic of healthy relationships, modeling healthy behaviour, and facilitating relationships with role models?
posted by crazycanuck at 8:19 AM on March 6, 2019 [6 favorites]
You want your kid to have kind and safe relationships. This is a laudable goal!
While kids do spend a lot of time building relationships online, relationships are also formed in the schoolyard and at friends houses. These places are untouchable by monitoring software and just as prone to unkind and bullying behaviour.
Given that monitoring software doesn’t achieve your ultimate goal, how else can you solve the problem? Are you doing family dinners, 1:1 time, opportunistic conversations on the topic of healthy relationships, modeling healthy behaviour, and facilitating relationships with role models?
posted by crazycanuck at 8:19 AM on March 6, 2019 [6 favorites]
Your daughter could be having this conversation in person at school and you would never know, which is appropriate. You can't monitor her all the time. If you spy on her, you're going to push her to be sneaky. You extending her some privacy and trust will go much further in keeping the doors of communication open with her into adolescence. You want her to come to you with problems, not hide from you.
posted by bluedaisy at 9:55 AM on March 6, 2019 [3 favorites]
posted by bluedaisy at 9:55 AM on March 6, 2019 [3 favorites]
My daughter's response to having her social media monitored was to evolve secret accounts.
At first my spouse wanted to insist on the full disclosure of all secret accounts, but this instigated the immediate development of double secret accounts. Messages with friends made greater use of coded language, which my spouse would research on the web and drop into casual conversation to let my daughter know that we knew what we thought we didn't know when she was messaging her friends. She was pissed.
My spouse and I talked it out and everyone came to recognize we would never win such an arms race. Even if someone were to disagree about how much privacy a child is entitled to, they could not disagree that a child's desire for privacy can only be intensified by attempts to limit it.
I might recommend arming your child with the knowledge she needs to avoid predators, both perverse and mendacious, and staying engaged with what's going on with her electronic social life via face to face conversations with her, allowing her to share what she's comfortable with sharing.
posted by Construction Concern at 2:46 PM on March 6, 2019 [3 favorites]
At first my spouse wanted to insist on the full disclosure of all secret accounts, but this instigated the immediate development of double secret accounts. Messages with friends made greater use of coded language, which my spouse would research on the web and drop into casual conversation to let my daughter know that we knew what we thought we didn't know when she was messaging her friends. She was pissed.
My spouse and I talked it out and everyone came to recognize we would never win such an arms race. Even if someone were to disagree about how much privacy a child is entitled to, they could not disagree that a child's desire for privacy can only be intensified by attempts to limit it.
I might recommend arming your child with the knowledge she needs to avoid predators, both perverse and mendacious, and staying engaged with what's going on with her electronic social life via face to face conversations with her, allowing her to share what she's comfortable with sharing.
posted by Construction Concern at 2:46 PM on March 6, 2019 [3 favorites]
Response by poster: I will have to reflect on this some more, based on your experiences and potential fallout from doing this. My motivation to monitor her online activity is that her severe, fluctuating moods (Disruptive Mood Disregulation Disorder, DMDD) can sometimes result in statements of self-harming or wanting to harm others, in addition to anxiety, poor self-esteem, and depression. I am concerned about her well-being and that was the initial reason for monitoring *everything* in Hangouts. She often refuses to attend school due to severe anxiety. She has had mean girl experiences in the past where she was the target. If that were to happen now while she is so fragile, the outcome could be tragic. Additionally, I agree with the statement that she is backing her friend up in wanting to slap the other girl, which is great in its intention, but our school is extremely sensitive in its no cyberbullying policy, and I could easily see my daughter's statement taken as a threat by the other girl's parents should it be reported to them, again with dire consequences to my kid.
I didn't want to include all of this in my original question, but I believe her safety trumps her privacy at this time. The details may or may not change the feedback I am being given, but again I do appreciate your opinions even while my approach is not popular. I just wanted to know what services I could use to monitor.
posted by sealee at 9:37 PM on March 6, 2019
I didn't want to include all of this in my original question, but I believe her safety trumps her privacy at this time. The details may or may not change the feedback I am being given, but again I do appreciate your opinions even while my approach is not popular. I just wanted to know what services I could use to monitor.
posted by sealee at 9:37 PM on March 6, 2019
You can't protect her at all times. You can work with a therapist and others to support her and give her good coping mechanisms and show her that you are there for her.
You cannot protect her at all times. I know that sucks when you see her suffering and are worried, but you can't.
If you still do want to do this, I recommend taking the route of telling her you need the password and will be checking.
posted by OnTheLastCastle at 8:30 AM on March 7, 2019 [1 favorite]
You cannot protect her at all times. I know that sucks when you see her suffering and are worried, but you can't.
If you still do want to do this, I recommend taking the route of telling her you need the password and will be checking.
posted by OnTheLastCastle at 8:30 AM on March 7, 2019 [1 favorite]
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