20 years and done. Now what?
March 5, 2019 10:40 AM Subscribe
My 20+ year relationship ended tonight. I am both heartbroken and relieved (if that makes any sense).
Discussions about the relationship have been ongoing since the new year, counselling was attempted but it didn’t take for either of us.
So now we have to separate our lives, our things, our finances etc. How do we go about this? And what should I make sure to do that I probably can’t even think of right now?
For reference, we are not married, nor do we have a civil union. There are no kids and we rent our flat (though the contract is only in my name).
Discussions about the relationship have been ongoing since the new year, counselling was attempted but it didn’t take for either of us.
So now we have to separate our lives, our things, our finances etc. How do we go about this? And what should I make sure to do that I probably can’t even think of right now?
For reference, we are not married, nor do we have a civil union. There are no kids and we rent our flat (though the contract is only in my name).
Best answer: Heartbroken and relieved is a very common emotional reaction to the end of a relationship that isn't working.
I'd suggest getting as much physical space from each other as soon as possible. It's much harder to actually have the relationship end while you're still sharing space and your daily lives. Since the place is in your name: is it possible for your ex-partner to find a couch or guest room at a friend's for a bit? Or perhaps you all could take turns doing that? In my own marriage and in a long-term relationship of a friend that ended: it's incredibly hard to disentangle while you're co-habitating.
posted by bluedaisy at 12:18 PM on March 5, 2019 [3 favorites]
I'd suggest getting as much physical space from each other as soon as possible. It's much harder to actually have the relationship end while you're still sharing space and your daily lives. Since the place is in your name: is it possible for your ex-partner to find a couch or guest room at a friend's for a bit? Or perhaps you all could take turns doing that? In my own marriage and in a long-term relationship of a friend that ended: it's incredibly hard to disentangle while you're co-habitating.
posted by bluedaisy at 12:18 PM on March 5, 2019 [3 favorites]
Best answer: your partner needs to move out. even if you still love each other, even if you plan to remain friends, you need to get some space (i speak from experience).
each of you should open your own bank accounts and start having your direct deposits and whatever else directed to those. as soon as any outstanding "joint" stuff is taken care of, close your old joint accounts.
update your will and other documents. update your beneficiaries on any insurance plans.
update your emergency contact info wherever needed when you next visit there (no need to go on a calling spree or anything, can be done as you go along).
posted by misanthropicsarah at 12:34 PM on March 5, 2019 [3 favorites]
each of you should open your own bank accounts and start having your direct deposits and whatever else directed to those. as soon as any outstanding "joint" stuff is taken care of, close your old joint accounts.
update your will and other documents. update your beneficiaries on any insurance plans.
update your emergency contact info wherever needed when you next visit there (no need to go on a calling spree or anything, can be done as you go along).
posted by misanthropicsarah at 12:34 PM on March 5, 2019 [3 favorites]
Best answer: These are all good practical recommendations, but let me offer a few mental/emotional ones:
Are you in therapy? 20 years is a long time, and no matter how/why it ended, you're going to have a lot to process, and professional support can be a huge benefit.
Find what Captain Awkward calls Team You: the friends and family who will be there to help and listen and remind you why this was a good thing in the long run.
If you can, try to build some new routines that are for yourself, that don't have associations with your partner, and where you can take care of yourself.
Remember to eat and sleep and do all the boring but necessary things to stay alive and healthy. If your job offers sick leave, be prepared to use it for mental health days if you can.
Be gentle with yourself. This is a huge life change. Good luck.
posted by epersonae at 1:14 PM on March 5, 2019 [5 favorites]
Are you in therapy? 20 years is a long time, and no matter how/why it ended, you're going to have a lot to process, and professional support can be a huge benefit.
Find what Captain Awkward calls Team You: the friends and family who will be there to help and listen and remind you why this was a good thing in the long run.
If you can, try to build some new routines that are for yourself, that don't have associations with your partner, and where you can take care of yourself.
Remember to eat and sleep and do all the boring but necessary things to stay alive and healthy. If your job offers sick leave, be prepared to use it for mental health days if you can.
Be gentle with yourself. This is a huge life change. Good luck.
posted by epersonae at 1:14 PM on March 5, 2019 [5 favorites]
Confirm that in your geographic area, living together that long does not make you common-law spouses. Or give your ex tenancy rights to your flat.
posted by dorothyisunderwood at 2:51 PM on March 5, 2019 [3 favorites]
posted by dorothyisunderwood at 2:51 PM on March 5, 2019 [3 favorites]
Response by poster: Thank you for your answers.
An appointment has been made with the bank to separate finances. ‘To do’ and ‘I want / don’t want thing x’ lists have been started.
I have been clear that anything he doesn’t take with him that I don’t want will be given / thrown away.
He has left the flat to stay with a friend from work while finding another place to live. I have asked him to aim to be fully moved out by the end of this month.
I am sleeping and eating and have engaged a therapist. My boss is being very supportive.
posted by She Kisses Wyverns at 12:44 PM on March 6, 2019 [4 favorites]
An appointment has been made with the bank to separate finances. ‘To do’ and ‘I want / don’t want thing x’ lists have been started.
I have been clear that anything he doesn’t take with him that I don’t want will be given / thrown away.
He has left the flat to stay with a friend from work while finding another place to live. I have asked him to aim to be fully moved out by the end of this month.
I am sleeping and eating and have engaged a therapist. My boss is being very supportive.
posted by She Kisses Wyverns at 12:44 PM on March 6, 2019 [4 favorites]
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by allkindsoftime at 11:11 AM on March 5, 2019 [14 favorites]