How to friend after a crush?
February 15, 2019 11:38 PM Subscribe
I made this great friend last year. Long story short, he developed a crush on me, which led to me developing a crush on him. It was all very stupid, because I'm a happily married woman. He eventually let the cat out of the bag to see if I was interested in...um...more than friendship, but I did the right thing and broke his heart. Sigh. Now what?
I don't want to throw away this friendship simply because we made the mistake of catching feelings for each other once. I just don't know how to get over the awkwardness and move forward as platonic friends. Time and distance, sure, but what else? Have you been through something similar? If you've managed to become platonic friends with someone after a failed crush (mutual or otherwise), how did you do it? What are some best practices? Or have you tried and failed to have a platonic friendship after a crush? Any lessons learned? Advice? Perspective? Help.
I don't want to throw away this friendship simply because we made the mistake of catching feelings for each other once. I just don't know how to get over the awkwardness and move forward as platonic friends. Time and distance, sure, but what else? Have you been through something similar? If you've managed to become platonic friends with someone after a failed crush (mutual or otherwise), how did you do it? What are some best practices? Or have you tried and failed to have a platonic friendship after a crush? Any lessons learned? Advice? Perspective? Help.
Couldn't agree more.
There are times you have to haul up your socks and be intentional about your life. Consciously or not, you are arranging to keep him in your life until the "inevitable" "just sort of happens." You can find half a million versions of this story in advice columns and forums. If you want to stay married, act like it. (Of course, if you don't, that's a whole other matter.)
posted by praemunire at 12:07 AM on February 16, 2019 [7 favorites]
There are times you have to haul up your socks and be intentional about your life. Consciously or not, you are arranging to keep him in your life until the "inevitable" "just sort of happens." You can find half a million versions of this story in advice columns and forums. If you want to stay married, act like it. (Of course, if you don't, that's a whole other matter.)
posted by praemunire at 12:07 AM on February 16, 2019 [7 favorites]
Why don’t you ask your husband what he thinks?
posted by Jubey at 3:03 AM on February 16, 2019 [20 favorites]
posted by Jubey at 3:03 AM on February 16, 2019 [20 favorites]
He eventually let the cat out of the bag to see if I was interested in...um...more than friendship, but I did the right thing and broke his heart
In my book, great friends don't try to hook up with or date their happily married, monogamous friend. He should never have put this out there.
Presumably you shut him down to not blow up your marriage. So do what's best for you and your SO, and never talk to this guy again.
posted by litera scripta manet at 3:45 AM on February 16, 2019 [7 favorites]
In my book, great friends don't try to hook up with or date their happily married, monogamous friend. He should never have put this out there.
Presumably you shut him down to not blow up your marriage. So do what's best for you and your SO, and never talk to this guy again.
posted by litera scripta manet at 3:45 AM on February 16, 2019 [7 favorites]
I've done it a lot! It actually ends up being a non-issue. I'm most comfortable pretending that it never happened, and this seems to be easiest on everyone. (It does end up reducing the intimacy of the friendship somewhat, since we're avoiding talking about something in our history, but it's fine.) We (and our friends) just act like we did before. One thing that might help is not to mentally frame it as you "breaking his heart." He must have known it was a long shot, so try not to overestimate his hurt/ underestimate his coping abilities; tiptoeing around him because if an imagined heartbreak will make it harder to return to normalcy.
Good for you for prioritizing important friendships enough to avoid throwing them away due to a theoretical/ culturally assumed threat to your marriage; people we deeply care about can be hard to find as adults.
posted by metasarah at 4:04 AM on February 16, 2019 [21 favorites]
Good for you for prioritizing important friendships enough to avoid throwing them away due to a theoretical/ culturally assumed threat to your marriage; people we deeply care about can be hard to find as adults.
posted by metasarah at 4:04 AM on February 16, 2019 [21 favorites]
Internet strangers can't tell you what's possible. I think the answers you're getting reflect that this is a situation where the possibility of lying to yourself is larger than in most situations. I have found it possible to convert these situations into friendships, but most of the time the first ingredient was to let a significant chunk of time go by before you reconnected. If you find you can't do that, you shouldn't try.
posted by frumiousb at 4:14 AM on February 16, 2019 [8 favorites]
posted by frumiousb at 4:14 AM on February 16, 2019 [8 favorites]
I think if you have told your spouse and spouse is ok with you two staying friends, then I think you can work towards that if you want. If you haven’t (or are unwilling) to tell your spouse then I think that is a blaring klaxon of an alarm urging you to pause and think critically about your intentions.
posted by forforf at 4:44 AM on February 16, 2019 [4 favorites]
posted by forforf at 4:44 AM on February 16, 2019 [4 favorites]
Good for you for prioritizing important friendships enough to avoid throwing them away due to a theoretical/ culturally assumed threat to your marriage
THIS DUDE TRIED TO HOOK UP WITH A MARRIED WOMAN we're not talking about "hmm can men and women even be friends!" level nonsense come on.
posted by chiquitita at 4:47 AM on February 16, 2019 [44 favorites]
THIS DUDE TRIED TO HOOK UP WITH A MARRIED WOMAN we're not talking about "hmm can men and women even be friends!" level nonsense come on.
posted by chiquitita at 4:47 AM on February 16, 2019 [44 favorites]
I think because you both had a crush on each other then there'll always be some sexual tension or a "what could have been" element. Perhaps if you both can take time off from each other (like a good few months) then see if you no longer see them in that way, like at all, but surely whatever made you fancy them in the first place could still return.
posted by JonB at 5:11 AM on February 16, 2019
posted by JonB at 5:11 AM on February 16, 2019
Lots of people are focusing on whether you should do this, or whether you're bad for wanting to do this. And I agree that, depending on the details, dropping this dude for the sake of your marriage might well be the very best thing.
But you asked how to do it. So.
I feel like a lot of this is going to depend on what you mean by friends. If you want to be able to run into each other at a party or a meetup and have a fun conversation for half an hour, or go out in a group of friends and see a movie, I think that's going to be a lot easier, and there are pretty reliable ways of getting there. If you want to be able to be up until all hours having heart-to-heart telephone conversations… well, let me word this tactfully: in addition to handling the situation very well, you're also going to have to get very, very lucky. Some people can do that safely with exes, most can't, and a lot of whether it works for you two is going to be out of your control.
But. So. The parts that you can control.
I agree that you should talk to your husband. Partly because doing this without him knowing would be kind of shitty, but honestly also because Secret Crushes thrive on the thrill of secrecy.
When you do start hanging out again, hang out with Crushdude in groups. Not one-on-one, and not in-groups-but-with-long-text-message-threads-afterwards swapping inside jokes about the people you just hung out with. Go do something fun with some other friends and then go home and let the connection drop for a few weeks. Do this even if you want to be in regular one-on-one contact eventually, and try to do it without spending a ton of time fantasizing about being in regular one-on-one contact eventually. Just reframe him in your mind as "This guy who sometimes shows up when we go for brunch."
Set boundaries. Set more boundaries than you need. Sometimes, when he wants to hang out, say no. I'm not advocating game-playing, I'm not saying "say no and expect him to read your mind and infer that you mean something else" or "say no and have a secret reply in mind that you expect him to respond with." Just, sometimes turn him down for hangouts, say "another time would be great," expect him to interpret that literally and respond straightforwardly, and then maybe invite him to something in a few weeks. The ability to maintain distance and keep your excitement about a person in check is a muscle that strengthens with use, so use it and encourage him to use it.
It may be that if you do this stuff he'll get annoyed or lose interest. There are a lot of possible reasons for that, and you can't read someone's mind from their behavior, but two big likely ones are "he's not interested in being platonic friends" and "he's not going to be capable of being platonic friends, regardless of what he wants." If that happens, that doesn't mean you failed at friendship, or that you two failed at it. It just means he turned out not to have all the qualities that you, a monogamously married woman, need in a friend. It is very, very sad when someone you like turns out not to have the qualities you need in a friend, but it's not your fault.
posted by nebulawindphone at 7:02 AM on February 16, 2019 [12 favorites]
But you asked how to do it. So.
I feel like a lot of this is going to depend on what you mean by friends. If you want to be able to run into each other at a party or a meetup and have a fun conversation for half an hour, or go out in a group of friends and see a movie, I think that's going to be a lot easier, and there are pretty reliable ways of getting there. If you want to be able to be up until all hours having heart-to-heart telephone conversations… well, let me word this tactfully: in addition to handling the situation very well, you're also going to have to get very, very lucky. Some people can do that safely with exes, most can't, and a lot of whether it works for you two is going to be out of your control.
But. So. The parts that you can control.
I agree that you should talk to your husband. Partly because doing this without him knowing would be kind of shitty, but honestly also because Secret Crushes thrive on the thrill of secrecy.
When you do start hanging out again, hang out with Crushdude in groups. Not one-on-one, and not in-groups-but-with-long-text-message-threads-afterwards swapping inside jokes about the people you just hung out with. Go do something fun with some other friends and then go home and let the connection drop for a few weeks. Do this even if you want to be in regular one-on-one contact eventually, and try to do it without spending a ton of time fantasizing about being in regular one-on-one contact eventually. Just reframe him in your mind as "This guy who sometimes shows up when we go for brunch."
Set boundaries. Set more boundaries than you need. Sometimes, when he wants to hang out, say no. I'm not advocating game-playing, I'm not saying "say no and expect him to read your mind and infer that you mean something else" or "say no and have a secret reply in mind that you expect him to respond with." Just, sometimes turn him down for hangouts, say "another time would be great," expect him to interpret that literally and respond straightforwardly, and then maybe invite him to something in a few weeks. The ability to maintain distance and keep your excitement about a person in check is a muscle that strengthens with use, so use it and encourage him to use it.
It may be that if you do this stuff he'll get annoyed or lose interest. There are a lot of possible reasons for that, and you can't read someone's mind from their behavior, but two big likely ones are "he's not interested in being platonic friends" and "he's not going to be capable of being platonic friends, regardless of what he wants." If that happens, that doesn't mean you failed at friendship, or that you two failed at it. It just means he turned out not to have all the qualities that you, a monogamously married woman, need in a friend. It is very, very sad when someone you like turns out not to have the qualities you need in a friend, but it's not your fault.
posted by nebulawindphone at 7:02 AM on February 16, 2019 [12 favorites]
I doubt your husband would perceive any threat to your marriage as cultural or theoretical in nature. Not everything is a social justice or gender equality issue.
Where are *his* feelings in all of this?
You made a commitment for life. Honor it.
posted by onecircleaday at 7:03 AM on February 16, 2019 [1 favorite]
Where are *his* feelings in all of this?
You made a commitment for life. Honor it.
posted by onecircleaday at 7:03 AM on February 16, 2019 [1 favorite]
Take some of the pearl-clutching sacred bonds of marriage stuff with a grain of salt. I don't even agree that you necessarily need to know your partner's feelings about it, especially IF you are willing to always keep this person at arm's length and hang out as part of a group.
Relationships are complicated - I've had this discussion with a number of people would rather not know about crushes unless there's sex involved. Plenty of married couples are more polyamorous than me and my partner of 15 years who have never married. Some people like to hear about their spouse's crushes.
More to the point, I've always managed to be friends with crushes. In one way or another I think a lot of people are always harboring crushes on their friends, because they're so cute and funny and you already like them! You just add them to the enormous pile of people you're attracted to but don't get to make out with, which for the majority of humans is at any given time either "people I find cute -1" or "0."
The 'failed' part gives me pause though. A crush is a crush, if something failed it's more like a courtship, which you encouraged. So yes, be very honest with yourself about your intentions here.
posted by aspersioncast at 7:30 AM on February 16, 2019 [9 favorites]
Relationships are complicated - I've had this discussion with a number of people would rather not know about crushes unless there's sex involved. Plenty of married couples are more polyamorous than me and my partner of 15 years who have never married. Some people like to hear about their spouse's crushes.
More to the point, I've always managed to be friends with crushes. In one way or another I think a lot of people are always harboring crushes on their friends, because they're so cute and funny and you already like them! You just add them to the enormous pile of people you're attracted to but don't get to make out with, which for the majority of humans is at any given time either "people I find cute -1" or "0."
The 'failed' part gives me pause though. A crush is a crush, if something failed it's more like a courtship, which you encouraged. So yes, be very honest with yourself about your intentions here.
posted by aspersioncast at 7:30 AM on February 16, 2019 [9 favorites]
Generally a dude who will ask a married woman to hook up, not knowing whether she and her spouse have any sort of arrangement to accomodate this, is considered to be extremely disrespectful to her, her marriage and her spouse. Like, was his intention to clear it with your husband? To have an illicit affair? To steal you away? None of these things (save for the first in certain specific circumstances) are something a friend would generally do, unless you make it your business to have friends with terrible boundaries.
Being friends with someone you crushed on or who crushed on you isn’t some sort of awful violation of the social contract. It’s sonething two emotionally secure people can do as long as they clearly define the boundaries of that friendship and make sure it doesn’t impede on anyone’s marriage. He’s aleady shown that he’s fine impeding on your marriage instead of dealing with his feelings in a more mature (or at least less impulsive) way.
I mean give it a shot but I’d be willing to put money down on the fact that he’s gonna try it again and if he does it at just the right time (after a heart to heart conversation about, say, your dissatisfaction with your marriage, or husband, or sex life) you might be in some hot water emotionally even if you don’t give in.
posted by A god with hooves, a god with horns at 8:31 AM on February 16, 2019 [6 favorites]
Being friends with someone you crushed on or who crushed on you isn’t some sort of awful violation of the social contract. It’s sonething two emotionally secure people can do as long as they clearly define the boundaries of that friendship and make sure it doesn’t impede on anyone’s marriage. He’s aleady shown that he’s fine impeding on your marriage instead of dealing with his feelings in a more mature (or at least less impulsive) way.
I mean give it a shot but I’d be willing to put money down on the fact that he’s gonna try it again and if he does it at just the right time (after a heart to heart conversation about, say, your dissatisfaction with your marriage, or husband, or sex life) you might be in some hot water emotionally even if you don’t give in.
posted by A god with hooves, a god with horns at 8:31 AM on February 16, 2019 [6 favorites]
Either divorce your spouse or cut this “friend” out of your life. FYI, true friends who actually care about you would not try to pursue you romantically when they know you’re monogamous. He doesn’t respect boundaries and he will keep pushing on those boundaries if you let him.
You also need to be honest with your spouse and talk to them about this ASAP. Passing crushes are normal and fine, but this was a MUTUAL crush with someone you’re trying to keep in your life even though he clearly does not respect you. Lies of omission are still lies. If you don’t want to talk to your spouse about this—why not? If you want to keep it a secret, that says something about your intentions and how little you respect your spouse.
posted by a strong female character at 10:02 AM on February 16, 2019 [1 favorite]
You also need to be honest with your spouse and talk to them about this ASAP. Passing crushes are normal and fine, but this was a MUTUAL crush with someone you’re trying to keep in your life even though he clearly does not respect you. Lies of omission are still lies. If you don’t want to talk to your spouse about this—why not? If you want to keep it a secret, that says something about your intentions and how little you respect your spouse.
posted by a strong female character at 10:02 AM on February 16, 2019 [1 favorite]
More to the point, I've always managed to be friends with crushes. In one way or another I think a lot of people are always harboring crushes on their friends, because they're so cute and funny and you already like them!
Unless they're poly, though, they're mostly not discussing having affairs with them. (Or I'm being left out of a lot of drama!)
This is not a question of "can I be friends with this guy I'm attracted to even though I'm married and I think he might be attracted to me, too," which has its own risks, but at a different level. This is "should I continue to spend time with someone who actually tried to get me to cheat on my husband, and I wanted to do it." You can't get less theoretical as a threat to a marriage.
posted by praemunire at 10:05 AM on February 16, 2019 [4 favorites]
Unless they're poly, though, they're mostly not discussing having affairs with them. (Or I'm being left out of a lot of drama!)
This is not a question of "can I be friends with this guy I'm attracted to even though I'm married and I think he might be attracted to me, too," which has its own risks, but at a different level. This is "should I continue to spend time with someone who actually tried to get me to cheat on my husband, and I wanted to do it." You can't get less theoretical as a threat to a marriage.
posted by praemunire at 10:05 AM on February 16, 2019 [4 favorites]
I would consider the possibility that you aren't running screaming from this situation because you like the tension, and you like knowing you have someone on tap if your marriage gets into trouble. Which it may if you're constantly thinking in terms of your backup plan.
But to answer your question, I would keep a lot of space between you until he hooks up with someone else. That won't be definitive since his view of cheating means he's not limited to one woman, but it would be a good marker that his crushing attention has wandered off somewhere new and it's safe to be friends again.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 1:45 PM on February 16, 2019 [1 favorite]
But to answer your question, I would keep a lot of space between you until he hooks up with someone else. That won't be definitive since his view of cheating means he's not limited to one woman, but it would be a good marker that his crushing attention has wandered off somewhere new and it's safe to be friends again.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 1:45 PM on February 16, 2019 [1 favorite]
Echoing advice to only hang out with him in groups, sparingly, and to keep one-on-one chatting to a minimum. But it gives me pause that he hit on a married woman, and from your mutual crush comments, it sounds like you might have encouraged him to cross that boundary. I know you turned him down, but it sounds like you went right up to the line. And now you want to keep him in your life. Is that even fair to him? Does he even want to be platonic friends? And is your husband still completely in the dark about all of this?
posted by ziggly at 7:31 PM on February 16, 2019
posted by ziggly at 7:31 PM on February 16, 2019
I think there's not enough detail in your question to justify some of the heat in some of the responses here, to be honest. I think you're OK to pursue this as long as you can make the friendship feel meaningfully different to *you*, and make meaningful change accordingly.
So if the overstep of boundaries feels mortifying, and that mortification makes you want to take a step back and handle this and other intense friendships with similar potential differently in future, then sure, go ahead and continue the friendship at a greater remove than before.
If you're instead filled with wistful romantic dreams of what could have been, yeah, cut it out and think hard on your primary relationship.
posted by ominous_paws at 12:18 AM on February 17, 2019 [3 favorites]
So if the overstep of boundaries feels mortifying, and that mortification makes you want to take a step back and handle this and other intense friendships with similar potential differently in future, then sure, go ahead and continue the friendship at a greater remove than before.
If you're instead filled with wistful romantic dreams of what could have been, yeah, cut it out and think hard on your primary relationship.
posted by ominous_paws at 12:18 AM on February 17, 2019 [3 favorites]
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For the sake your marriage, throw away this friendship ASAP. You are playing with fire.
posted by smoke at 11:57 PM on February 15, 2019 [59 favorites]