Running on two cylinders

February 22, 2006 11:41 AM

Chronic health challenges and relationships.

I live with "invisible" chronic health issues - multiple endocrine deficiencies including hypothyroidism and associated depression. The deficiencies are treated and I function well enough to maintain a full time job, but don't seem to have enough - energy, well-being - left over to establish and maintain a long-term relationship. I am probably functioning as well as possible at present. My friends are understanding, but previous partners have gotten frustrated that I am often tired when I get home, that I cry easily, that I can be withdrawn even when I am making the effort to be high functioning and "normal" as possible. What can I do differently? How can I explain this to another person who isn't similarly challenged? How do I ever find someone to love who has the patience to stick this out with me? Assume my issues are close to what is called chronic fatigue. Companionship matters not least because it keeps me moving and helps me stay well.

posted by anonymous to human relations (10 comments total)

You might try finding someone who likes to take care of people who have no energy and who cry easily. There are plenty of people out there for every type of personality and personal characteristics. In other words, if you can't give (for whatever reason) find someone who likes people who can't give.
posted by letterneversent at 11:43 AM on February 22, 2006

Letterneversent's response reads as somewhat snarky, at least in my opinion, but is pretty much on the mark. Somewhere out there is the person who will love you, Anonymous--warts, chronic fatigue, hypothyroidism, and all. Perhaps you'd find CFS or depression support groups helpful. Try googling to find one. Oh, and you can explain your situation to someone not similarly afflicted in exactly the same way you explained it here. IMHO "cards on the table" is the best policy. Good luck to you.
posted by scratch at 12:21 PM on February 22, 2006

letterneversent has a point, buuuuuut we all know from reading savage love week after week that relationships based on fetishes turn into horrible train wreck creepy disasters. so, find someone who likes you who doesn't mind taking care of you but doesn't love love love it.
posted by soma lkzx at 12:45 PM on February 22, 2006

I believe that the answer to your question relates to the timing of your disclosure that you have a disability.

For example, I know someone who uses a wheelchair. When she first started using online dating sites, she didn't mention her disability because she "didn't want to be defined by it." Not surprisingly, that approach didn't work out well. She got lots of replies from people who wanted her to go skiing and dancing with them. When she changed her approach and really described who she was, she started getting appropriate responses.

The moral, then, is to disclose early. If you're using personal ads or dating sites, include this information about yourself. It can be tricky to disclose without sounding self-pitying, but it will increase the chances of connecting with someone who is compatible.

(On a related note --- I have had fatigue issues because of my MS. Provigil has worked wonders to make this go away, with no noticeable side-effects. I believe that it does not work for "chronic fatigue" but it might be something to look at for your situation.)
posted by alms at 1:03 PM on February 22, 2006

I dated someone for several months who had a similar condition, with the added bonus of a short temper and the occasional violent mood swing, so I hope I can give you a bit of perspective on the "other end" of your condition.

Bottom line, it takes a lot of patience to date such a person. I started out strong, full of sympathy and patience and love, but it began to wear thin after awhile. There were times I'd catch myself wondering if her condition was really this bad or just some kind of emotional crutch she was leaning on so she didn't have to suck it up and deal like the rest of us. But then I'd stop and remind myself that yes, this was a diagnosed condition, and yes, it really can be this bad, from what I had read.

But it was hard. There were simply some things we could not do as a couple without her melting down on me, and sometimes the drama ran high because of it. The end result was I wound up exhausted myself much of the time, wearing myself down to try to keep things looking good and be encouraging to her. I was afraid to break up with her because I knew she was madly in love with me and leaving her would create yet another emotional hurdle. At one point I actually contemplated fucking around as a viable exit strategy, thinking that if I could get her to hate my guts, it would make it easier for her to get over the relationship (fucked up, huh?). It was as if her fatigue and depression were contagious, and I was getting infected.

I flamed out soon enough. I finally ended it, handled the breakup horribly, and we somehow maintained a rickety but workable friendship that ultimately faded away. I have since learned that long term partners of those who suffer from conditions similar to yours often themselves require individual and/or couples counseling to adjust to the demands of the relationship. I, a twentysomething trying to keep the ship afloat on my own, was entirely in over my head and ill-equipped to do more than slow the rate of sinkage.

Not a good prognosis, but then every relationship ultimately ends, until you find the one that doesn't, regardless of your condition. I think you have to be up front about your condition the second you begin to think "I like this person and would be interested in persuing a real relationship with him/her." You need to give your prospective partner more and more information as the relationship progresses. And you need to be as patient as you can be -- it's incredibly hard for you, I know it is, but it's almost as bad for your partner, who in some respects is carrying more than his or her share of the relationship load.

Ultimately you'll just have to find someone who loves you enough to put up with your baggage, same as the rest of us. ;)

Hope you found some of that helpful. I wish you well in this.
posted by middleclasstool at 3:06 PM on February 22, 2006

letterneversent has a point, buuuuuut we all know from reading savage love week after week that relationships based on fetishes turn into horrible train wreck creepy disasters. so, find someone who likes you who doesn't mind taking care of you but doesn't love love love it.

I don't think anyone is talking about a "fetish". There are genuinely people out there who want to feel "needed" and really enjoy just taking care of other people.
posted by delmoi at 3:38 PM on February 22, 2006

Good god almighty, let me hook you up with my ex. We are still incredibly close friends but our romantic relationship failed because I was too independent, and didn't need to be taken care of or "saved" in any way. He'll fall all over himself to take care of you, and the more impossible and daunting the task, the harder he'll try.

My point is, there is someone out there for you, who is patient enough and willing enough to work with you on all of your problems. Like delmoi said, there are people out there who want to be caregivers and just really enjoy being needed.
posted by Meredith at 3:57 PM on February 22, 2006

Become close with people as friends; don't ask them for too much, but don't hide anything. When you meet the right person, establish yourself an independent person first. When that person falls in love with you, he/she will be more willing to be patient with you.
posted by Packy_1962 at 4:22 PM on February 22, 2006

As the husband of someone with Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, I wish I could mark Packy_1962's answer as best.

If companionship currently keeps you moving and keeps you well, you might want to try addressing that with a therapist, because that's unlikely to be a physical requirement of your illness. If you can interact with potential mates as an independent person who also happens to be slightly higher maintenance than average, that's much more attractive (in my opinion) than if you're giving off the needy vibe. And besides, what if you get better and it turns out they were only interested in you because they could fill a caretaker role?

Avoid extroverts. They just won't get it, and you'll piss each other off.

If you're in a relationship and don't have the energy to go to some event or do some activity with your partner, give them permission to do it alone, or with someone else. (I'm talking about concerts and movies and such here, not sex. Although that may be negotiable too, depending on the two of you.)

middleclasstool may have said it best: Ultimately you'll just have to find someone who loves you enough to put up with your baggage, same as the rest of us. ;)
posted by hades at 5:28 PM on February 22, 2006 [1 favorite]

Kinda-sorta-off-topic but I can't email you...I also have endocrine deficiency (Addison's disease) and have suffered from the attendant depression for years. I just went on antidepressants that have helped IMMENSELY with the depression and have improved my quality of life about 500%. I'm only throwing it out there in case it's something you've not explored for whatever reason.
posted by tristeza at 8:39 PM on February 22, 2006 [1 favorite]