Smoker friend
January 30, 2019 2:22 AM Subscribe
Friend who is crashing at our place started smoking and we are not ok with it
My friend is going through a rough divorce and I offered to let her stay in our spare room (rent free) while she was getting things figured out.
We get along fairly okay. She has done some things that annoy me (taking up a bunch of space in the garage, not picking up after herself or ever doing the dishes) but I am non confrontational and generally don’t feel like these things are worth it.
She’s been staying with us for ~4 months and today she came home reeking of smoke - surprised I asked if she was hanging out with a smoker. She explained that she smoked in the car. I am still sort of shocked about it. She has asthma and is taking steroids because of breathing troubles.
I have a serious aversion to smoking - it often gives me migraines. Both my grandfathers died of cancer. My husband is a cancer survivor and his dad recently died of cancer. I am trying to get pregnant and we have a toddler. Smoking is a deal breaker for me. How do I tell my friend in a “nice” way that she can’t smoke and live in our house?
My friend is going through a rough divorce and I offered to let her stay in our spare room (rent free) while she was getting things figured out.
We get along fairly okay. She has done some things that annoy me (taking up a bunch of space in the garage, not picking up after herself or ever doing the dishes) but I am non confrontational and generally don’t feel like these things are worth it.
She’s been staying with us for ~4 months and today she came home reeking of smoke - surprised I asked if she was hanging out with a smoker. She explained that she smoked in the car. I am still sort of shocked about it. She has asthma and is taking steroids because of breathing troubles.
I have a serious aversion to smoking - it often gives me migraines. Both my grandfathers died of cancer. My husband is a cancer survivor and his dad recently died of cancer. I am trying to get pregnant and we have a toddler. Smoking is a deal breaker for me. How do I tell my friend in a “nice” way that she can’t smoke and live in our house?
Another angle to consider: “Hey, Friend. I can understand that smoking is stress-relieving and you need that right now. Unfortunately I just can’t deal with the smell of smoke, even the little bit that follows a person who’s been smoking somewhere else. If you’re going to continue smoking, we can’t keep having you live here.”
posted by lakeroon at 3:33 AM on January 30, 2019 [24 favorites]
posted by lakeroon at 3:33 AM on January 30, 2019 [24 favorites]
You don't need to make any excuses about it or defend your decision. It's your house and you're doing your friend a favor by helping them out. It's on them to handle it. If they can't handle it, they need to find somewhere else to live.
posted by kokaku at 3:51 AM on January 30, 2019 [7 favorites]
posted by kokaku at 3:51 AM on January 30, 2019 [7 favorites]
I’d use DarlingBri’s script - your friend has been failing at rent free living 101 since she’s moved in with all the other things you list under annoying and this is just the most recent thing. You’ve already supported her for four months. Give her a reasonable timeframe to move out and be done.
posted by koahiatamadl at 3:54 AM on January 30, 2019 [24 favorites]
posted by koahiatamadl at 3:54 AM on January 30, 2019 [24 favorites]
I have no problem telling people to put it out or get the f out.
posted by james33 at 5:10 AM on January 30, 2019 [2 favorites]
posted by james33 at 5:10 AM on January 30, 2019 [2 favorites]
"Hey friend, smoke and the smell of smoke makes me extremely sick. You are more than welcome to stay here as long as you need to but you can't live here while you smoke. Sorry to not bring it up before but I wasn't aware you smoked until the other day."
posted by Young Kullervo at 5:18 AM on January 30, 2019 [3 favorites]
posted by Young Kullervo at 5:18 AM on January 30, 2019 [3 favorites]
Would you be ok with them vaping? Maybe pitch that too if you don’t think they have any other options besides the street.
posted by oceanjesse at 5:20 AM on January 30, 2019 [1 favorite]
posted by oceanjesse at 5:20 AM on January 30, 2019 [1 favorite]
Even rent-paying roommates have to not only pick up after themselves, they have to do at least an equal share of chores. Your "friend" is walking all over your kindness and avoidance of confrontation. It's unfortunate that enforcing even a wee boundary like "please don't do this unhealthy thing that also makes me physically ill" is disturbing enough to consider to warrant an Ask post.
In addition to telling your friend to not only take care of their own messes but contribute to household upkeep with a fair share of chores - and extra to make up for not paying rent - you should absolutely lay down the law about smoking, and also give them a negotiated timeframe to get out and get on with their life whether or not they're constantly pushing your boundaries and buttons.
Nothing is motivating them to change for the better; you're enabling bad behaviour, and as kind as you think you are being, it's possible you are actually causing long-term harm. I dunno.
Get angry about this. You're being used. Use the anger energy to set some boundaries. Get angry when they're crossed. This person needs a kick in the pants. Maybe you can do it, but if you can't, you still need to get them out of your house sooner rather than later.
posted by seanmpuckett at 5:22 AM on January 30, 2019 [20 favorites]
In addition to telling your friend to not only take care of their own messes but contribute to household upkeep with a fair share of chores - and extra to make up for not paying rent - you should absolutely lay down the law about smoking, and also give them a negotiated timeframe to get out and get on with their life whether or not they're constantly pushing your boundaries and buttons.
Nothing is motivating them to change for the better; you're enabling bad behaviour, and as kind as you think you are being, it's possible you are actually causing long-term harm. I dunno.
Get angry about this. You're being used. Use the anger energy to set some boundaries. Get angry when they're crossed. This person needs a kick in the pants. Maybe you can do it, but if you can't, you still need to get them out of your house sooner rather than later.
posted by seanmpuckett at 5:22 AM on January 30, 2019 [20 favorites]
Don’t worry about telling her in a nice way. “Hey, you can’t smoke while you’re living with us. It gives me migraines, and I don’t want the kid to be exposed to second-hand smoke.”
It sounds like it’s time for this friend to start getting her shit straightened out, because she’s acting like you are her parents, responsible for taking care of her, and not like a contributing adult. Give her a 60-day notice to find new lodgings. Six months is more than enough time to let someone crash.
posted by Autumnheart at 6:15 AM on January 30, 2019 [11 favorites]
It sounds like it’s time for this friend to start getting her shit straightened out, because she’s acting like you are her parents, responsible for taking care of her, and not like a contributing adult. Give her a 60-day notice to find new lodgings. Six months is more than enough time to let someone crash.
posted by Autumnheart at 6:15 AM on January 30, 2019 [11 favorites]
Figuring things out for four months? Time's up. Get to steppin. Pick up your cigarettes on your way out.
posted by crw at 7:07 AM on January 30, 2019 [7 favorites]
posted by crw at 7:07 AM on January 30, 2019 [7 favorites]
friend is not smoking in your house.
friend is smoking elsewhere and your friend's clothing smelling of smoke is bothering you.
it's ok to set the rules but it seems this is more about an overstay and looking for an external reason to end it, when maybe the better thing is "hey friend, i need my space back, it's time to move on."
posted by zippy at 7:23 AM on January 30, 2019 [24 favorites]
friend is smoking elsewhere and your friend's clothing smelling of smoke is bothering you.
it's ok to set the rules but it seems this is more about an overstay and looking for an external reason to end it, when maybe the better thing is "hey friend, i need my space back, it's time to move on."
posted by zippy at 7:23 AM on January 30, 2019 [24 favorites]
I don’t want the kid to be exposed to second-hand smoke.
I think this is technically thirdhand smoke, because second-hand smoke is when you are in the presence of someone who is actively smoking. This is not to discount the danger at all, but using either term may put her on the defensive even more, so I would steer clear of them. I would also not bring up anything about her health in your conversation. Yes this is really bad for her, but a health lecture will not help.
posted by soelo at 7:39 AM on January 30, 2019 [6 favorites]
I think this is technically thirdhand smoke, because second-hand smoke is when you are in the presence of someone who is actively smoking. This is not to discount the danger at all, but using either term may put her on the defensive even more, so I would steer clear of them. I would also not bring up anything about her health in your conversation. Yes this is really bad for her, but a health lecture will not help.
posted by soelo at 7:39 AM on January 30, 2019 [6 favorites]
I would focus it on the smoke, and not the fact that she smokes. Explain that the smell of smoke is really bad for you, and that you can’t work with that, but if she has a solid solution, you’re technically okay with her smoking but not with the smell of smoke she brings in.
Framing it that way gives her actionable steps.
posted by suedehead at 7:55 AM on January 30, 2019 [5 favorites]
Framing it that way gives her actionable steps.
posted by suedehead at 7:55 AM on January 30, 2019 [5 favorites]
After you deploy DarlingBri's excellent script she has actionable steps. She can cease to expose you to the insufferable reek of old cigarette smoke, or she can leave. Both of these are completely actionable.
posted by flabdablet at 8:13 AM on January 30, 2019 [2 favorites]
posted by flabdablet at 8:13 AM on January 30, 2019 [2 favorites]
I’d make it about time to move out rather than the smoking. I fear that any way you could bring the smoking up would invite discussion and negotiations around that topic, eg “but if you didn’t notice it before now why can’t I just continue to smoke in the car etc”.
Really, you need her to move out and the smoking and all the other issues are the support for *that* conversation, not the other way around.
posted by iamkimiam at 9:21 AM on January 30, 2019 [4 favorites]
Really, you need her to move out and the smoking and all the other issues are the support for *that* conversation, not the other way around.
posted by iamkimiam at 9:21 AM on January 30, 2019 [4 favorites]
She's not smoking in your house, so I'm not sure how much ground there is to confront her about it. If you have other issues with her, I would focus on those directly.
posted by Dr. Twist at 9:40 AM on January 30, 2019 [6 favorites]
posted by Dr. Twist at 9:40 AM on January 30, 2019 [6 favorites]
Tell her that the smell bothers you, and suggest not smoking in enclosed spaces like a car (and maybe position herself upwind when she smokes).
Smokers don't have to smell strongly - its the smoking in enclosed spaces that exacerbates the problem (especially in a car - the smell soaks in and gets stale and smells even worse).
I'm an exclusively outdoor smoker and after I wash my hands (and wipe my face with the damp paper towel), people can't tell that I'm a smoker (I've asked, and have had people be astonished the first time they see me smoking).
posted by porpoise at 9:45 AM on January 30, 2019 [5 favorites]
Smokers don't have to smell strongly - its the smoking in enclosed spaces that exacerbates the problem (especially in a car - the smell soaks in and gets stale and smells even worse).
I'm an exclusively outdoor smoker and after I wash my hands (and wipe my face with the damp paper towel), people can't tell that I'm a smoker (I've asked, and have had people be astonished the first time they see me smoking).
posted by porpoise at 9:45 AM on January 30, 2019 [5 favorites]
If we're taking votes, I'm in camp "no deal". Don't give her an out with "as long as I can't smell it", because it will lead to endless discussions about whether there is a discernible smell or not (and of course she won't smell it, she's smoking!). Also it is perfectly acceptable to refuse to host a smoker in your house. For free!!!
For the very same reason I wouldn't even phrase this in a way that gives her an out like pretending she has stopped (for that is what she will do; she won't actually stop). Use it as a welcome opportunity to get her out of the house altogether (tho I realize, if you hate confrontation, you may find this hard).
Good luck!!
posted by ClarissaWAM at 10:43 AM on January 30, 2019 [5 favorites]
For the very same reason I wouldn't even phrase this in a way that gives her an out like pretending she has stopped (for that is what she will do; she won't actually stop). Use it as a welcome opportunity to get her out of the house altogether (tho I realize, if you hate confrontation, you may find this hard).
Good luck!!
posted by ClarissaWAM at 10:43 AM on January 30, 2019 [5 favorites]
You can kick her out for any or no reason, but out of courtesy it might be prudent to find a better reason to do so.
posted by GoblinHoney at 2:27 PM on January 30, 2019
posted by GoblinHoney at 2:27 PM on January 30, 2019
Personally, I would consult with a Tenant Lawyer ASAP.
Depending on your jurisdiction, they might be legally a tenant, and thus may not be that easy to kick out. In the meantime, I'd have a conversation with her about it, and emphasize your health aspects with it.
(I totally agree with you, BTW - cigarette smoke is horrible!)
posted by spinifex23 at 2:27 PM on January 30, 2019 [3 favorites]
Depending on your jurisdiction, they might be legally a tenant, and thus may not be that easy to kick out. In the meantime, I'd have a conversation with her about it, and emphasize your health aspects with it.
(I totally agree with you, BTW - cigarette smoke is horrible!)
posted by spinifex23 at 2:27 PM on January 30, 2019 [3 favorites]
Taking up a lot of space in the garage, not picking up after themselves, or doing any chores, and now they want to expose you to their smoke smell? And this has been going on for almost for months? What obligation do you feel towards this person to put up with all this?
Smokers can and do smell even when they've showered and slapped on some scented lotion. It is a rank and noticable smell and does seep out through the pores. I notice this with people at the gym a lot, and it may be because they are sweating and that makes it worse. Regardless, however kind I try to be in my head, it irritates me because it radiates outwards three, four, five feet, and why should I have to breathe it in? I'm in a shared space, though, so I try to deal with it, say nothing, move somewhere else. Should you have to do this in your own home, though? Absolutely not.
DarlingBri's script is fine.
posted by Armed Only With Hubris at 2:51 PM on January 30, 2019 [4 favorites]
Smokers can and do smell even when they've showered and slapped on some scented lotion. It is a rank and noticable smell and does seep out through the pores. I notice this with people at the gym a lot, and it may be because they are sweating and that makes it worse. Regardless, however kind I try to be in my head, it irritates me because it radiates outwards three, four, five feet, and why should I have to breathe it in? I'm in a shared space, though, so I try to deal with it, say nothing, move somewhere else. Should you have to do this in your own home, though? Absolutely not.
DarlingBri's script is fine.
posted by Armed Only With Hubris at 2:51 PM on January 30, 2019 [4 favorites]
I think there are a whole host of reasons to ask her to move out, but it doesn’t sound like she’s smoking in your house, or even on your property, so I can’t imagine telling her that she can’t smoke elsewhere is going to go over very well.
posted by Weeping_angel at 4:48 PM on January 30, 2019 [3 favorites]
posted by Weeping_angel at 4:48 PM on January 30, 2019 [3 favorites]
People who are saying you have no ground to stand on since she's smoking elsewhere should Google thirdhand smoke and children or thirdhand smoke and pregnancy. That smell you smell when she comes in the house is like 250 chemicals according to one link I just read.
posted by salvia at 8:57 PM on February 1, 2019
posted by salvia at 8:57 PM on February 1, 2019
This thread is closed to new comments.
And then just keep repeating "Thanks just the way it is, sorry."
Obviously, you have no reason to apologise but you have the upper hand here -- it's your house! -- and couching it as an apology will soften the confrontation.
posted by DarlingBri at 2:30 AM on January 30, 2019 [57 favorites]