I'm apparently even less straight than I thought. Now what?
January 12, 2019 11:14 PM Subscribe
I'm a cis female in my early 30s living in the Boston area. I've known I'm queer for well over a decade, identifying as aro-ace. A throwaway comment on New Year's Eve made me realize a series of interactions 2 years ago was a very deep, very intense crush on another woman and I just was in deep denial. Re-evaluation of other events has led me to realize I'm actually interested in women romantically. While this is very thrilling, it is also terrifying because I am introverted enough that I have enough trouble trying to figure out how to meet new people to make friends. I know I want to, but I have no idea what to do.
It is arguable that I am in a mental state where, for the first time, the noise of all the extraneous bad is gone enough that I can actually focus on me. I'm out of graduate school and have a job I love. I'm actually happy. And happy enough that I was able to laughingly admit to a friend I had not seen in a few years on NYE that I'd had a crush 2 years prior...and then promptly shoved it under the metaphorical bed and buried my head in the sand of grad school.
A few days later, said friend poked at the throwaway comment, wanting to know a little more. And in asking me to explain, I was forced to articulate for the first time that I maybe hadn't realized it was a crush because I'd never had one prior. I'd dated a guy at age 20 for 3 months and was, well, "disinterested" would be the kindest way of saying it. It felt nothing like the feelings for this other woman, of being dropkicked in the head of "oh shit, you're in trouble".
And that I promptly ignored all that, tried to convince myself I just really wanted to be friends, and moved on with my life.
Thing is, I stopped lying to myself. And once I did, there's a million other things in retrospect that point to this conclusion that I am, in fact, romantically interested in women. And that feels comfortable. I just don't know where to go from here. My reaction to the idea of sexual intimacy still speaks to me being somewhere on the ace-spectrum. Add that to my general unease with meeting new people, I have no idea where I'd even begin to find queer, geeky, clever women to be friends with, to say nothing of potential dating.
So how would you do it? How would you meet women or navigate dating when you're still not sure you're interested in sex? Because I feel like that caveat eliminates most, if not all, "traditional" online dating apps and sites.
Throwaway email: conversations.with.the.abyss@gmail.com
It is arguable that I am in a mental state where, for the first time, the noise of all the extraneous bad is gone enough that I can actually focus on me. I'm out of graduate school and have a job I love. I'm actually happy. And happy enough that I was able to laughingly admit to a friend I had not seen in a few years on NYE that I'd had a crush 2 years prior...and then promptly shoved it under the metaphorical bed and buried my head in the sand of grad school.
A few days later, said friend poked at the throwaway comment, wanting to know a little more. And in asking me to explain, I was forced to articulate for the first time that I maybe hadn't realized it was a crush because I'd never had one prior. I'd dated a guy at age 20 for 3 months and was, well, "disinterested" would be the kindest way of saying it. It felt nothing like the feelings for this other woman, of being dropkicked in the head of "oh shit, you're in trouble".
And that I promptly ignored all that, tried to convince myself I just really wanted to be friends, and moved on with my life.
Thing is, I stopped lying to myself. And once I did, there's a million other things in retrospect that point to this conclusion that I am, in fact, romantically interested in women. And that feels comfortable. I just don't know where to go from here. My reaction to the idea of sexual intimacy still speaks to me being somewhere on the ace-spectrum. Add that to my general unease with meeting new people, I have no idea where I'd even begin to find queer, geeky, clever women to be friends with, to say nothing of potential dating.
So how would you do it? How would you meet women or navigate dating when you're still not sure you're interested in sex? Because I feel like that caveat eliminates most, if not all, "traditional" online dating apps and sites.
Throwaway email: conversations.with.the.abyss@gmail.com
This is a bit tangential but I find that having an online lesbian/queer community (NB even if I only lurk rather than interact) is immensely relieving- I also find meeting new people hard, even as friends, and my day to day life is very straight-oriented, and I don’t “date” due to envioronmental factors, so having some access to queer lives via the internet keeps me feeling “alive” in that way and part of a community. It might also be useful to you as a way of seeing different ways people express their identities- I think you’ll find there are plenty of people who are homoromantic and asexual, or ambivalent about sex. It’s hard to point you exactly where to go to find this stuff. Instagram works for me, and sometimes twitter. Accounts that might be of interest to you: @_personals_ and @xenaworrierprincess and explore from there.
posted by mymbleth at 12:30 AM on January 13, 2019 [5 favorites]
posted by mymbleth at 12:30 AM on January 13, 2019 [5 favorites]
Hey, I think that one thing you can do is simply to talk to women who interest you and, assuming it would be appropriate (like, they're not in a monogamous relationship, you don't work with them, they're not known to be straight, etc.) just ask them out on dates. Some of them will say yes! And then fairly early on, if things go well, you'll have the conversation about what each of you is looking for in a relationship and you'll discover whether you have compatible desires.
If that sounds like pretty basic advice, it's because it is! What I'm saying is just that, while for sure you might find it fruitful to specifically seek out queer ace women, there's no reason you can't also just ask people out like anyone else. You're not, like, deceiving people if you ask them out as an ace person. Sure, a lot of women may not want to have a serious relationship without sex in it, but that's fine. Part of the point of dating is to figure that kind of stuff out.
Good luck!
posted by Anticipation Of A New Lover's Arrival, The at 4:49 AM on January 13, 2019
If that sounds like pretty basic advice, it's because it is! What I'm saying is just that, while for sure you might find it fruitful to specifically seek out queer ace women, there's no reason you can't also just ask people out like anyone else. You're not, like, deceiving people if you ask them out as an ace person. Sure, a lot of women may not want to have a serious relationship without sex in it, but that's fine. Part of the point of dating is to figure that kind of stuff out.
Good luck!
posted by Anticipation Of A New Lover's Arrival, The at 4:49 AM on January 13, 2019
I actually know two women who formerly identified as asexual and now consider themselves (non-asexual) lesbians. So you may end up having no interest in sex but you may change your mind if you come closer to intimacy with a woman.
My suggestion is to start by joining a meetup, sports team or social club for queer women. This will let you meet and befriend other women in a low-pressure situation. And if you meet someone you're attracted to, by all means ask her out-- that doesn't mean you owe her sex, and you can be honest about your situation when you get closer to that point.
posted by noxperpetua at 10:17 AM on January 13, 2019
My suggestion is to start by joining a meetup, sports team or social club for queer women. This will let you meet and befriend other women in a low-pressure situation. And if you meet someone you're attracted to, by all means ask her out-- that doesn't mean you owe her sex, and you can be honest about your situation when you get closer to that point.
posted by noxperpetua at 10:17 AM on January 13, 2019
It might help to also remember that "straight" is not the default sexual orientation of humans but just one of many, many!
posted by smorgasbord at 8:04 PM on January 13, 2019
posted by smorgasbord at 8:04 PM on January 13, 2019
This thread is closed to new comments.
OkCupid allows you to list yourself with many different gender / sexuality identity tags, including lesbian, asexual, queer and questioning.
You can also set it so no straight people can see your profile — this VASTLY cuts down on the creepery, though of course it's not perfect.
You can also search other profiles by filtering to see who else is asexual.
posted by Juliet Banana at 12:03 AM on January 13, 2019 [1 favorite]