Now or Later (not the candy)
December 6, 2018 4:21 PM Subscribe
Hi Folks,
After more than a couple of years of struggling with the idea of leaving my marriage (25 years in Feb), I had a major moment of clarity this week and am ready to tell him I want to leave.
Here we are at Christmas, his favorite time of year. He has WONDERFUL family memories, especially of his grandmother at the holiday, and gets giddy and loving this time of year. It makes it hard for me. I'm ready to tell him but I think I need to wait until January so the holiday isn't wrecked for him. I'm finding myself a little sullen and sometimes angry trying to hold it in. It's really going to crush him in many ways. I've been the primary breadwinner for the last 15 years and he'll have to move back home. It will be very hard, financially, even with the financial support I'll do my best to continue providing. And I know he still loves me. I do love him, but it's love like you have for a dear a brother.
Your thoughts on timing, MeFites?
Thank you, as always.
Here we are at Christmas, his favorite time of year. He has WONDERFUL family memories, especially of his grandmother at the holiday, and gets giddy and loving this time of year. It makes it hard for me. I'm ready to tell him but I think I need to wait until January so the holiday isn't wrecked for him. I'm finding myself a little sullen and sometimes angry trying to hold it in. It's really going to crush him in many ways. I've been the primary breadwinner for the last 15 years and he'll have to move back home. It will be very hard, financially, even with the financial support I'll do my best to continue providing. And I know he still loves me. I do love him, but it's love like you have for a dear a brother.
Your thoughts on timing, MeFites?
Thank you, as always.
Response by poster: I have those ducks in a row. I'm ready to speak.
posted by KleenexMakesaVeryGoodHat at 4:29 PM on December 6, 2018 [1 favorite]
posted by KleenexMakesaVeryGoodHat at 4:29 PM on December 6, 2018 [1 favorite]
Best answer: Can’t speak to logistics but as far as emotional timing, I say hold off, and put on a happy(ish) face till Jan 1. Think of it as a kindness, and probably the last Christmas gift you’ll ever give him. Doesn’t sound like three weeks will be the death of you and you’ve already made it this far.
posted by lovableiago at 4:36 PM on December 6, 2018 [17 favorites]
posted by lovableiago at 4:36 PM on December 6, 2018 [17 favorites]
Best answer: Given that the holidays are so close, I would say wait the few weeks. The exception to my opinion would be if you're miserable, fighting, and he knows it's over anyway.... it doesn't sound like that's the case though. If you can do a last holiday without feeling awful inside, I think it will make things easier on him and possibly you too depending on your family/holiday plans.
posted by DTMFA at 4:42 PM on December 6, 2018 [8 favorites]
posted by DTMFA at 4:42 PM on December 6, 2018 [8 favorites]
It is only December 6th. I would tell him. He can use the rituals of the season as comfort. Its not like he's going to feel awesome on January 6th just because the lights are coming down.
Also I am a believer in ritualized endings, so maybe the holiday will actually help you to celebrate a last bittersweet holiday and knowing you will start fresh in the New Year
posted by charlielxxv at 4:47 PM on December 6, 2018 [15 favorites]
Also I am a believer in ritualized endings, so maybe the holiday will actually help you to celebrate a last bittersweet holiday and knowing you will start fresh in the New Year
posted by charlielxxv at 4:47 PM on December 6, 2018 [15 favorites]
I get the urge to wait, but if it were me and my spouse left me right after Christmas, I'd be constantly going back and reviewing memories of that Christmas looking for clues to try to figure out what I missed.
posted by Weeping_angel at 4:49 PM on December 6, 2018 [69 favorites]
posted by Weeping_angel at 4:49 PM on December 6, 2018 [69 favorites]
Please share the news before Christmas and let him spend the festivities around people who can support him as he works out what to do next and starts to comes to terms with this change.
I would imagine nothing would undermine my future enjoyment of this time of year more than finding out someone had been "faking it".
Do it now, it's fairer to both of you and then start 2019 afresh. Wishing you all the best.
posted by doornoise at 4:53 PM on December 6, 2018 [27 favorites]
I would imagine nothing would undermine my future enjoyment of this time of year more than finding out someone had been "faking it".
Do it now, it's fairer to both of you and then start 2019 afresh. Wishing you all the best.
posted by doornoise at 4:53 PM on December 6, 2018 [27 favorites]
If you leave him now, does he have family and friends who can be there for him during the holidays? Because people are extra-good at getting together for the holidays, so he may have more support now than he would in January.
posted by aniola at 5:08 PM on December 6, 2018 [7 favorites]
posted by aniola at 5:08 PM on December 6, 2018 [7 favorites]
Sorry, the more I think about this situation the more I'm reminded of a past break up of a long term relationship:
It was painfully apparent that he's been unhappy for a while, but we'd (I'd!) been jumping through hoops and working hard to try to mend the situation for a few months.
It was almost exactly this time of year, the Christmas decorations had just gone up, and he was increasingly distant. I sat him down and basically forced him to tell me that while he still cared for me, "he no longer saw me as a romantic partner". He slept on the sofa that night and moved out to stay with friends the next day.
I was devastated, yet also strangely relieved. I suppose I'd known deep down that things weren't going to get better, had been deeply anxious and walking on eggshells around him for months. Instead of a tense, horrible holiday, I got to spent a quiet, warm and loving Christmas with my parents. I grieved and I began to heal.
In early January he came round to pick up the last of his stuff. We talked and he said that he'd "been planning to talk to me after Christmas", as in planning to fake his way through and then break up with me after the holidays. To me, then and now, this idea seems intolerably kind-to-be-cruel. I am so, so glad that I didn't have to experience this.
If you go to him in January and tell him you're leaving, especially if you have all your "ducks in a row", it's going to be so obvious that Christmas was just part of a holding pattern. I'm finding it hard to pinpoint the exact words, but I feel like it would rub salt into the wound. Please tell him now and give him the opportunity to create a real Christmas - it might be sad, but at least it'll be truthful.
posted by doornoise at 5:23 PM on December 6, 2018 [54 favorites]
It was painfully apparent that he's been unhappy for a while, but we'd (I'd!) been jumping through hoops and working hard to try to mend the situation for a few months.
It was almost exactly this time of year, the Christmas decorations had just gone up, and he was increasingly distant. I sat him down and basically forced him to tell me that while he still cared for me, "he no longer saw me as a romantic partner". He slept on the sofa that night and moved out to stay with friends the next day.
I was devastated, yet also strangely relieved. I suppose I'd known deep down that things weren't going to get better, had been deeply anxious and walking on eggshells around him for months. Instead of a tense, horrible holiday, I got to spent a quiet, warm and loving Christmas with my parents. I grieved and I began to heal.
In early January he came round to pick up the last of his stuff. We talked and he said that he'd "been planning to talk to me after Christmas", as in planning to fake his way through and then break up with me after the holidays. To me, then and now, this idea seems intolerably kind-to-be-cruel. I am so, so glad that I didn't have to experience this.
If you go to him in January and tell him you're leaving, especially if you have all your "ducks in a row", it's going to be so obvious that Christmas was just part of a holding pattern. I'm finding it hard to pinpoint the exact words, but I feel like it would rub salt into the wound. Please tell him now and give him the opportunity to create a real Christmas - it might be sad, but at least it'll be truthful.
posted by doornoise at 5:23 PM on December 6, 2018 [54 favorites]
Best answer: Yeah I think this depends a lot on Aniola's point. If he would have support during the holidays, then it might be kinder to do it sooner. Personally, I wouldn't perceive myself as having much family support (and wouldn't want this to be the object of gossip), and many of the folks in my circles are gone over Xmas. So I think that a big factor in timing here is the degree of support around over the holidays....
Best of luck OP, wishing you both well.
posted by DTMFA at 5:24 PM on December 6, 2018 [5 favorites]
Best of luck OP, wishing you both well.
posted by DTMFA at 5:24 PM on December 6, 2018 [5 favorites]
Response by poster: Just to answer quickly - he won't have other support, unfortunately.
posted by KleenexMakesaVeryGoodHat at 5:28 PM on December 6, 2018
posted by KleenexMakesaVeryGoodHat at 5:28 PM on December 6, 2018
Best answer: Sorry to hear... I'm going to stick to my opinion of waiting then, though I totally hear what doornoise is saying. Being alone during Xmas after the dissolution of a 25 year old marriage would be horrible, and I think it's kinder to wait. Especially if you can genuinely enjoy the last Xmas together. Again, good luck to the both of you.
posted by DTMFA at 5:33 PM on December 6, 2018 [5 favorites]
posted by DTMFA at 5:33 PM on December 6, 2018 [5 favorites]
Response by poster: I'm going to mark this solved. Thank you everyone. I will certainly read other replies, but I think waiting is best. I won't just spring it on him on January 1, but sometime in the first ten days of the month. And I am extremely conscious of the fact that I have had a LONG time to process this and that he will need time. I hope everyone has a wonderful winter season.
posted by KleenexMakesaVeryGoodHat at 5:37 PM on December 6, 2018 [19 favorites]
posted by KleenexMakesaVeryGoodHat at 5:37 PM on December 6, 2018 [19 favorites]
Best answer: Do as you think best, Kleenex. It sounds as if you still have his best interests at heart.
Last point, I promise. I was just wondering if, as you referred to financially supporting him on an ongoing basis post-separation and him having to move "back home", whether there was any arrangement you could make - offering to buy plane tickets or the like - so that he could have Christmas with friends and family? I'm sure you've already considered this but just thought it was worth mentioning.
posted by doornoise at 5:42 PM on December 6, 2018 [6 favorites]
Last point, I promise. I was just wondering if, as you referred to financially supporting him on an ongoing basis post-separation and him having to move "back home", whether there was any arrangement you could make - offering to buy plane tickets or the like - so that he could have Christmas with friends and family? I'm sure you've already considered this but just thought it was worth mentioning.
posted by doornoise at 5:42 PM on December 6, 2018 [6 favorites]
Best answer: I think this thread just shows that there really is no good time to be broken up with. It sucks no matter what. Either he gets to have one last "good" Christmas but then has to wonder how much of it was fake, or you ruin his Christmas but at least he doesn't have to live in a lie any longer. Whatever, it's a divorce after a 25-year marriage, it's gonna be awful.
That's not to say you shouldn't do it at all, of course. You have your reasons, you've thought very hard about it, and the decision is made. But ultimately, the Christmas angle is gonna be just a small part of a seriously huge deal. It's gonna suck about the same no matter what, overall. Do whatever you feel is best.
posted by Anticipation Of A New Lover's Arrival, The at 5:43 PM on December 6, 2018 [6 favorites]
That's not to say you shouldn't do it at all, of course. You have your reasons, you've thought very hard about it, and the decision is made. But ultimately, the Christmas angle is gonna be just a small part of a seriously huge deal. It's gonna suck about the same no matter what, overall. Do whatever you feel is best.
posted by Anticipation Of A New Lover's Arrival, The at 5:43 PM on December 6, 2018 [6 favorites]
I have seen a lot of debates online and arguments about "tell him now, today" vs. "don't ruin the holidays." There is no general consensus on this. About half the audience hates the idea of someone knowing after the fact that for three weeks they didn't love them any more and didn't want them to be with them during the holidays and were just waiting to dump them. The other half hates ruining the holidays with a breakup and will always think of that ex as "the one that dumped me for Christmas." Not to mention that you see everyone during the holidays and you will have to tell everyone that your ex dumped you. "How's the wife?" "She dumped me for Christmas."
And unfortunately, there's no way for you to find out which one he'd prefer!
In your case, he doesn't have other good support and he will have to move out to his parents' house? I wouldn't tell him. You will be the one who Ruined The Holidays, I think.
posted by jenfullmoon at 5:56 PM on December 6, 2018 [3 favorites]
And unfortunately, there's no way for you to find out which one he'd prefer!
In your case, he doesn't have other good support and he will have to move out to his parents' house? I wouldn't tell him. You will be the one who Ruined The Holidays, I think.
posted by jenfullmoon at 5:56 PM on December 6, 2018 [3 favorites]
This only really applies if you guys tend to spend the holidays around a lot of people, but waiting until after also preserves your privacy. If you usually attend events together, and then unexpectedly you're each doing the same things on your own, everyone will be asking a lot of personal questions, having opinions, giving unwanted advice... it will suck. Wait until after and you guys can deal with it just between the two of you, and tell other people when you're good and ready.
posted by 5_13_23_42_69_666 at 5:58 PM on December 6, 2018 [4 favorites]
posted by 5_13_23_42_69_666 at 5:58 PM on December 6, 2018 [4 favorites]
So, my ex-wife left me just after Christmas (more than a few years ago, everything is great now), and....no, there's no good time. I didn't have a good time overall that Christmas, because I knew something was up. The genuinely good times I *did* have that holiday just hurt all the more in the aftermath knowing that she knew the whole time. So...I don't know. It's complicated. I think I would have preferred knowing, and going back home to see my parents instead. But it still would've sucked, so....
posted by Jon Mitchell at 7:19 PM on December 6, 2018 [2 favorites]
posted by Jon Mitchell at 7:19 PM on December 6, 2018 [2 favorites]
About half the audience hates the idea of someone knowing after the fact that for three weeks they didn't love them any more and didn't want them to be with them during the holidays and were just waiting to dump them. The other half hates ruining the holidays with a breakup and will always think of that ex as "the one that dumped me for Christmas."
I think people usually feel more strongly about not wanting to be that ex than not wanting to have that ex. being able to remember in the midst of heartbreak that your ex did one small and harmless thing thing that was absolutely wrong, one thing you can tell people about and count on sympathy for, is a tiny blessing. doing the right thing in the sense of putting on a holiday show to avoid disrupting tradition is more etiquette than morality, & in that respect, more about needing to be seen to be correct than about kindness.
but no, it doesn't matter very much if you wait a month. the only vital thing is that you not put him in a position where he has to thank you for something even as you're leaving him. so wait, sure, but that means you have to choke back your resentment about these final weeks forever. he's not asking you to spoil your own December just to spare him one more Christmas. so you can do it, for yourself or for him, but you can't ever expect appreciation for the timing.
posted by queenofbithynia at 7:27 PM on December 6, 2018 [5 favorites]
I think people usually feel more strongly about not wanting to be that ex than not wanting to have that ex. being able to remember in the midst of heartbreak that your ex did one small and harmless thing thing that was absolutely wrong, one thing you can tell people about and count on sympathy for, is a tiny blessing. doing the right thing in the sense of putting on a holiday show to avoid disrupting tradition is more etiquette than morality, & in that respect, more about needing to be seen to be correct than about kindness.
but no, it doesn't matter very much if you wait a month. the only vital thing is that you not put him in a position where he has to thank you for something even as you're leaving him. so wait, sure, but that means you have to choke back your resentment about these final weeks forever. he's not asking you to spoil your own December just to spare him one more Christmas. so you can do it, for yourself or for him, but you can't ever expect appreciation for the timing.
posted by queenofbithynia at 7:27 PM on December 6, 2018 [5 favorites]
Yeah, no one ever says "gosh, the breakup is too bad but at least you picked a good time!"
I will say that one time I got laid off and learned that my boss had been trying to decide whether to tell me before or after xmas. Eventually told me it before xmas, and I actually appreciated that because it meant I avoided going all-out on presents and saved instead.
A breakup is not a layoff, but I'd be more likely to resent withheld information that impacted me financially. You know best if that applies here.
posted by bunderful at 8:20 PM on December 6, 2018
I will say that one time I got laid off and learned that my boss had been trying to decide whether to tell me before or after xmas. Eventually told me it before xmas, and I actually appreciated that because it meant I avoided going all-out on presents and saved instead.
A breakup is not a layoff, but I'd be more likely to resent withheld information that impacted me financially. You know best if that applies here.
posted by bunderful at 8:20 PM on December 6, 2018
If my partner were breaking up with me, I'd rather they did it ASAP than hold off regardless of the holidays because-
- If they held off till the next year, that would mean they were pretending since who-knows-when
- I'd respect the courage to say so when they felt it
- I'd like to grieve/recover (as much as I could) during the break
- I'd like to approach the new year as a new beginning and chapter rather than experience the first hit of the year
- I'd have family/friends/gatherings around when I needed to take my mind off these things
posted by xm at 8:55 PM on December 6, 2018 [2 favorites]
- If they held off till the next year, that would mean they were pretending since who-knows-when
- I'd respect the courage to say so when they felt it
- I'd like to grieve/recover (as much as I could) during the break
- I'd like to approach the new year as a new beginning and chapter rather than experience the first hit of the year
- I'd have family/friends/gatherings around when I needed to take my mind off these things
posted by xm at 8:55 PM on December 6, 2018 [2 favorites]
Unless you tell him, he will not know that you waited. He should just as well assume you made a New Year's resolution to get on with your life. If in the process of breaking up you tell him you waited hoping he will give you a gold star, then he rightfully should be upset.
My ex told me on December 17th. (I happen to think she waited until then for two reasons. One, we had a big family trip with another family over Thanksgiving. Two, she thought that a week before Christmas would be the most pain inflicting time.)
I would wait. 25 years. He will not think you were "faking it" for the last month. Come on. I am quite sure that while he may not know, he will not be surprised.
One other thought. Have you been to counseling together? We went and it was apparent to both of us after several sessions that splitting up was best for the entire family. If you have kids and they are living with you, they know.
While there is never a good time to do it, there are times that are better than others. Wait until January if only to eliminate in your mind some guilt for potentially screwing up his favorite holiday and childhood memories.
Good luck. Godspeed,
posted by AugustWest at 9:59 PM on December 6, 2018 [4 favorites]
My ex told me on December 17th. (I happen to think she waited until then for two reasons. One, we had a big family trip with another family over Thanksgiving. Two, she thought that a week before Christmas would be the most pain inflicting time.)
I would wait. 25 years. He will not think you were "faking it" for the last month. Come on. I am quite sure that while he may not know, he will not be surprised.
One other thought. Have you been to counseling together? We went and it was apparent to both of us after several sessions that splitting up was best for the entire family. If you have kids and they are living with you, they know.
While there is never a good time to do it, there are times that are better than others. Wait until January if only to eliminate in your mind some guilt for potentially screwing up his favorite holiday and childhood memories.
Good luck. Godspeed,
posted by AugustWest at 9:59 PM on December 6, 2018 [4 favorites]
I would rather a breakup happen to me after Christmas. Christmas is pretty special to me, and I know that I would spend it sobbing if I had just been broken up with. And then probably year after year for a while, I would spend Christmas remembering that one, when I was miserable. I mean, not every moment of those days, but each Christmas after would be subtly tinged by the memory of an awful one.
If I were broken up with the week after, I would look back on that week with suspicion and wonder what parts were real, but the following Christmas would be better, because I wouldn’t have the memory of spending the last one sobbing.
And I say all of this as someone who has taken breakups VERY well. But I wouldn’t take one well at Christmas. My two cents. Wait.
posted by greermahoney at 10:02 PM on December 6, 2018 [2 favorites]
If I were broken up with the week after, I would look back on that week with suspicion and wonder what parts were real, but the following Christmas would be better, because I wouldn’t have the memory of spending the last one sobbing.
And I say all of this as someone who has taken breakups VERY well. But I wouldn’t take one well at Christmas. My two cents. Wait.
posted by greermahoney at 10:02 PM on December 6, 2018 [2 favorites]
I just realised reading this that an ex (of 6 years or so?) broke up with me early January in a fairly planned manner, so had probably waited deliberately over Xmas (as was one of those, long time coming not sudden decisions). I think was best, and a kindness from her. As it happened, I very quickly agreed was a good thing to split and turned out well. But had been a good Xmas and literally this is the first time I've considered she was delaying deliberately.
posted by JonB at 11:17 PM on December 6, 2018 [2 favorites]
posted by JonB at 11:17 PM on December 6, 2018 [2 favorites]
I think it’s kind to wait. Also from a practical reason, he is going to have a harder time getting a hold of a lawyer, if he wants one and he should want one, over the holidays and a harder time scheduling any meeting that might need scheduling.
posted by lydhre at 3:05 AM on December 7, 2018 [4 favorites]
posted by lydhre at 3:05 AM on December 7, 2018 [4 favorites]
My wife of 17 1/2 years sprung this on me on January 4. She waited to "let us have a good last Christmas."
Instead, it really, really made me mad. My parents had flown to town from 2,000 miles away for Christmas. She and her family gave them (and me) nice gifts, including a framed picture of our family, and acted like normal.
Knowing that they ALL knew she was going to leave me and were faking joy and family kindness really hurt me. It still makes me mad around Christmas time. It has added to the pain and betrayal. (She went on to marry my best friend, so my betrayal was even worse.)
No time is good. But I would have preferred it if she left the moment she decided to leave and didn't lead me on for months, acting like things were fine.
posted by tacodave at 3:47 PM on December 7, 2018 [2 favorites]
Instead, it really, really made me mad. My parents had flown to town from 2,000 miles away for Christmas. She and her family gave them (and me) nice gifts, including a framed picture of our family, and acted like normal.
Knowing that they ALL knew she was going to leave me and were faking joy and family kindness really hurt me. It still makes me mad around Christmas time. It has added to the pain and betrayal. (She went on to marry my best friend, so my betrayal was even worse.)
No time is good. But I would have preferred it if she left the moment she decided to leave and didn't lead me on for months, acting like things were fine.
posted by tacodave at 3:47 PM on December 7, 2018 [2 favorites]
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This thread is closed to new comments.
But can you think more about timing on telling him and then what happens next? That may be more important than ruining Christmas.
Have you met with an attorney yet and gotten your duck in a row regarding finances especially? Do that first and then figure out your game plan regarding moving out, asking him to leave, selling the house, etc.
If you anticipate that he will be upset, there may be some preparatory things you'll want to do.
There is no good time.
posted by k8t at 4:26 PM on December 6, 2018 [6 favorites]