clowns to the left of me, jokers to the right
November 22, 2018 5:22 AM Subscribe
Since my dad died, I have been given responsibility for handling a lot of family financial and other administrative affairs, and I am feeling overwhelmed with having to balance my responsibilities to my family with my responsibilities to my work. I'm sure other people manage this - how do you, without letting it all get to you?
As an example, my father left me in charge of a property that he used to rent out but now needs to be extensively refurbished. The flat is far away from me (although in the same city) and I don't have enough time to dedicate to this job - figuring out what exactly needs to be done, trying to decide whether we're better off just selling it than pouring money into it, liaising with letting agents and getting quotes from different contractors etc. Even if we did decide to sell it, that would still be a big administrative thing which would take up a lot of time. So all this has been requiring a lot of emails, phone calls, visits to the property, etc.
My family are also facing some financial issues due to unforeseen circumstances and need me to advise them on various things. My dad used to take care of that aspect too. My remaining family aren't particularly savvy about such matters.
I live far away from my family - they're in South Asia and I'm in the UK. I have a 10am-6pm, 5 day/week job, a 3 hour commute daily, and a new line manager who is demanding and not very flexible - he has already nixed the working from home set up I had a few times a month, on which days I used the time saved by not having to commute to deal with non-work admin. I'm happy enough in the job other than the new manager.
I have a sibling who lives abroad; they handle other family financial issues - I can't ask them to take on more, plus because they're abroad they can't really help with the house. I am writing this question after having the second bathroom-crying-fit in two days - I just don't know how I am supposed to fit this quite substantial family support alongside my own work-life. I just feel kind of drained and like people are constantly asking me for things and I just want to be left alone. I feel my relationship with my sibling is also being damaged because they get the brunt of my occasional crying/anger fits; I am usually quite good at controlling my base reactions but it's hard when I'm stressed.
One idea I had was to book a work meeting room for a couple of hours every week and just attend to affairs relating to the rental house and other life admin then. It doesn't feel ethical (to do personal stuff on work time) but seems like the only way I can remain on top of things.
Anyway, I am sure that others among you balance significant non-work responsibilities alongside your work responsibilities. How do you manage it all without getting to that too-stressed-to-function point?
As an example, my father left me in charge of a property that he used to rent out but now needs to be extensively refurbished. The flat is far away from me (although in the same city) and I don't have enough time to dedicate to this job - figuring out what exactly needs to be done, trying to decide whether we're better off just selling it than pouring money into it, liaising with letting agents and getting quotes from different contractors etc. Even if we did decide to sell it, that would still be a big administrative thing which would take up a lot of time. So all this has been requiring a lot of emails, phone calls, visits to the property, etc.
My family are also facing some financial issues due to unforeseen circumstances and need me to advise them on various things. My dad used to take care of that aspect too. My remaining family aren't particularly savvy about such matters.
I live far away from my family - they're in South Asia and I'm in the UK. I have a 10am-6pm, 5 day/week job, a 3 hour commute daily, and a new line manager who is demanding and not very flexible - he has already nixed the working from home set up I had a few times a month, on which days I used the time saved by not having to commute to deal with non-work admin. I'm happy enough in the job other than the new manager.
I have a sibling who lives abroad; they handle other family financial issues - I can't ask them to take on more, plus because they're abroad they can't really help with the house. I am writing this question after having the second bathroom-crying-fit in two days - I just don't know how I am supposed to fit this quite substantial family support alongside my own work-life. I just feel kind of drained and like people are constantly asking me for things and I just want to be left alone. I feel my relationship with my sibling is also being damaged because they get the brunt of my occasional crying/anger fits; I am usually quite good at controlling my base reactions but it's hard when I'm stressed.
One idea I had was to book a work meeting room for a couple of hours every week and just attend to affairs relating to the rental house and other life admin then. It doesn't feel ethical (to do personal stuff on work time) but seems like the only way I can remain on top of things.
Anyway, I am sure that others among you balance significant non-work responsibilities alongside your work responsibilities. How do you manage it all without getting to that too-stressed-to-function point?
For me: Figure out a plan to reduce the unnecessary responsibilities, and then accept that things are going to be overwhelming until the plan is complete. For example, if I had that property, I'd decide that selling it would mean short-term stress while keeping it would mean long-term stress. There's still a lot of stress in selling it, but at least it provides a light at the end of the tunnel.
I just accept that I'm going to be miserable for a while, and then work to make that time as short as I reasonably can (without doing anything stupid/self-destructive to make it shorter). Probably not the healthiest approach, but it's an approach.
posted by clawsoon at 6:10 AM on November 22, 2018
I just accept that I'm going to be miserable for a while, and then work to make that time as short as I reasonably can (without doing anything stupid/self-destructive to make it shorter). Probably not the healthiest approach, but it's an approach.
posted by clawsoon at 6:10 AM on November 22, 2018
That's an awful commute on top of everything else. I would suggest trying to get to work before 10, book your meeting room for 9, and make calls then, then book it again for just 1/2 hr at the end of the day to follow up on calls and things like that. That's 1.5 hrs without taking a lot of your actual work time. I also think it's okay, for a limited period of time, to book a meeting room to deal with some personal things.
But also...consider whether just selling the property is going to make your life manageable. This is one of those situations where you may want to not-optimize the financial gain in order to live in a way that's manageable. While selling does take time and effort, you can always sell a property "as-is" and then it's more a financial hit than anything else (depending on your market.) Agents should be willing to meet you there on a weekend and give you an estimate, so that's some information you can get fairly quickly and easily.
posted by warriorqueen at 6:57 AM on November 22, 2018 [3 favorites]
But also...consider whether just selling the property is going to make your life manageable. This is one of those situations where you may want to not-optimize the financial gain in order to live in a way that's manageable. While selling does take time and effort, you can always sell a property "as-is" and then it's more a financial hit than anything else (depending on your market.) Agents should be willing to meet you there on a weekend and give you an estimate, so that's some information you can get fairly quickly and easily.
posted by warriorqueen at 6:57 AM on November 22, 2018 [3 favorites]
This is too much for one person! When my parents started having medical problems and ultimately had to move I tried to do both that and work and ultimately had to change to a part time job to manage it all. You need more time or more help! Also you recently lost your father which must make this all harder emotionally.
Do you have a significant other who can take on some of this?
Can you take temporary leave from work?
Can you move into a part time position?
Can you hire a property manager to get the properties fixed up and rented?
posted by latkes at 8:26 AM on November 22, 2018 [1 favorite]
Do you have a significant other who can take on some of this?
Can you take temporary leave from work?
Can you move into a part time position?
Can you hire a property manager to get the properties fixed up and rented?
posted by latkes at 8:26 AM on November 22, 2018 [1 favorite]
figuring out what exactly needs to be done... liaising with letting agents and getting quotes from different contractors etc.
That is what property managers do. I know, hiring one is itself a Thing to do but if you can get a recommendation from a friend, just do that. That is literally the job description (they also, if you decide you want to rent it out again, find tenants and manage that process.)
posted by fingersandtoes at 8:28 AM on November 22, 2018
That is what property managers do. I know, hiring one is itself a Thing to do but if you can get a recommendation from a friend, just do that. That is literally the job description (they also, if you decide you want to rent it out again, find tenants and manage that process.)
posted by fingersandtoes at 8:28 AM on November 22, 2018
It's not uncommon for office workers to take care of life admin at work, using a conference/focus room to make calls so as not to disturb others and maintain privacy. As long as you're being productive and are on top of emails/tasks then no one should mind. Selling or letting our the property can be done remotely - give the keys to an estate agent and ask them to handle it.
posted by JonB at 8:34 AM on November 22, 2018 [1 favorite]
posted by JonB at 8:34 AM on November 22, 2018 [1 favorite]
You should probably let your manager know your father passed away and you'll be using whatever sick/leave allowances you have to have some time to grieve and some time to make arrangements, this is the time for that.
Is your commute driving or are you a passenger? Can you use that time to listen to some podcasts or funny stuff or some meditations to help you manage your stress a bit? And then once you feel a bit better you can make a list of to-do's for work and the estate management. That commute time has to turn into a bit of self care time especially if you can't use a bunch of vacation time. Can you get away from your desk at lunch and just get some air and a walk in? It will help.
At home hire a cleaner, hire a laundry service, buy yourself some fancy frozen premade meals so you have less to do at home for a few months. If you feel able to you can share with your friends what's happening and see if anyone can step up to make some calls for you, you likely know someone who knows someone who does estate sales, and people will want to help you if you tell them what you need. Can you make a separate email account to handle all the inquiries and legal stuff so it's a bit more segmented and then share the account if you can get someone to take on more responsibility for you?
I lost my dad suddenly this summer and my boyfriend stepped up a lot with cooking and dogwalking and tried to handle some of the estate stuff so I could focus on what needed to be done by me only and sort of be present at work and be present with my kid. Even though there wasn't a ton because he didn't own any property or vehicles it was still a lot of work and I tried to just let go of my other to-do's for a while. I regret not using up my vacation time to just grieve and be at home in retrospect because I was just so drained emotionally and had very little to give at work for a couple months where my home time was all childcare and sorting through his stuff. I also reminded myself of what my dad would have wanted, he wouldn't have wanted me to drive myself crazy dealing with distant relatives and finicky funeral arrangements, so I gave myself permission to keep things simple and not feel obligated to everyone's opinion. I had a lot of people coming out of the woodwork who wanted to talk to me and it was too much.
It sucks for your family who are less able to help themselves but you can't do everything all at once by yourself. You can tell them you can't help them for a bit unless it's very basic, and then think about how you can manage that for the longterm because that won't be sustainable for you regardless.
posted by lafemma at 8:56 AM on November 22, 2018
Is your commute driving or are you a passenger? Can you use that time to listen to some podcasts or funny stuff or some meditations to help you manage your stress a bit? And then once you feel a bit better you can make a list of to-do's for work and the estate management. That commute time has to turn into a bit of self care time especially if you can't use a bunch of vacation time. Can you get away from your desk at lunch and just get some air and a walk in? It will help.
At home hire a cleaner, hire a laundry service, buy yourself some fancy frozen premade meals so you have less to do at home for a few months. If you feel able to you can share with your friends what's happening and see if anyone can step up to make some calls for you, you likely know someone who knows someone who does estate sales, and people will want to help you if you tell them what you need. Can you make a separate email account to handle all the inquiries and legal stuff so it's a bit more segmented and then share the account if you can get someone to take on more responsibility for you?
I lost my dad suddenly this summer and my boyfriend stepped up a lot with cooking and dogwalking and tried to handle some of the estate stuff so I could focus on what needed to be done by me only and sort of be present at work and be present with my kid. Even though there wasn't a ton because he didn't own any property or vehicles it was still a lot of work and I tried to just let go of my other to-do's for a while. I regret not using up my vacation time to just grieve and be at home in retrospect because I was just so drained emotionally and had very little to give at work for a couple months where my home time was all childcare and sorting through his stuff. I also reminded myself of what my dad would have wanted, he wouldn't have wanted me to drive myself crazy dealing with distant relatives and finicky funeral arrangements, so I gave myself permission to keep things simple and not feel obligated to everyone's opinion. I had a lot of people coming out of the woodwork who wanted to talk to me and it was too much.
It sucks for your family who are less able to help themselves but you can't do everything all at once by yourself. You can tell them you can't help them for a bit unless it's very basic, and then think about how you can manage that for the longterm because that won't be sustainable for you regardless.
posted by lafemma at 8:56 AM on November 22, 2018
Response by poster: Thanks for the kind words, guys. Sorry that i didn't make this clearer in my post but my Dad actually passed 2 years ago (although your condolences are still deeply appreciated). The tenants were in place at the time and just moved out, and it is only now that my family and I are starting to deal with the refurbishments etc required.
We do have a property manager, but they are slow to respond, don't action repairs that we authorise, and seem to want to shunt most of the major decision making to us.
posted by Ziggy500 at 9:01 AM on November 22, 2018
We do have a property manager, but they are slow to respond, don't action repairs that we authorise, and seem to want to shunt most of the major decision making to us.
posted by Ziggy500 at 9:01 AM on November 22, 2018
It sounds like this property manager is not working out. I know this is work as well, but can you hire a different company, communicating to them that you're changing companies because the last one is slow, and non-responsive and you want a company that will take more ownership of the project?
posted by latkes at 9:35 AM on November 22, 2018 [2 favorites]
posted by latkes at 9:35 AM on November 22, 2018 [2 favorites]
Just sell the flat to simplify your life. Don’t worry about whether or not that is the most profitable decision. (Remember that your time to manage the property managers isn’t free!)
posted by monotreme at 2:39 PM on November 22, 2018 [4 favorites]
posted by monotreme at 2:39 PM on November 22, 2018 [4 favorites]
I may be guessing wrong but this sounds like the kind of situation where a) your boss may not be open to you reducing your hrs and b) the economics of cost of commute may not work with less hrs. So, assuming you’re not driving use the commute to organise things, research whatever you need to research and be the annoying person on the train who is always on the phone. There are only so many hrs in the day and as some of this requires contact with others during the working day something has got to give. And yes, sell the property. It is much easier to look after money for people than it is to look after real estate. In the meantime, find a different property manager.
posted by koahiatamadl at 2:25 PM on November 23, 2018
posted by koahiatamadl at 2:25 PM on November 23, 2018
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You can hire a property management firm or a general contractor to deal with the property. There is no reason why you need to handle all of the details when professionals can do a quicker and better job.
posted by JJ86 at 5:48 AM on November 22, 2018 [3 favorites]