Celebrity Siblings Anonymous
October 4, 2018 3:02 PM
My same-gender sibling is newly.. famous. Looking for advice, suggestions, and experiences to help me deal.
(Using gender neutral pronouns in an attempt to keep this as anonymous as possible, sorry if this gets wordy). My slightly younger, same-gender sibling has been pursuing a career in entertainment for their whole life. It's the only thing they've ever wanted to do. Their path to this spot has been full of ups and downs, but they remained focused and kept their eye on the prize. I am their only sibling and we consider each other best friends. We are both close to our (divorced) parents. Growing up, I was the "smart" one, but they are also very intelligent - we are both generally happy, well adjusted individuals in the grand scheme of things.
After years of working towards this goal, my sibling recently landed a career-making opportunity. This is amazingly huge, and I couldn't be happier or prouder of them. I don't *think* I'm jealous - this is not a thing that I have ever wanted for myself. We talk almost every day, they keep me looped into the goings-on of their life + career; I've shared my (perhaps irrational) fears of becoming "irrelevant" to them in their new, shiny life (they were comforting in all the right ways and I know I'm not at risk of losing my sibling to the fame monster).
However. I am, at times, uncomfortable with feelings this is bringing up for me. I generally stay away from popular culture and the attendant unrealistic standards (both appearance and otherwise), but in trying to keep up with news and press surrounding my sibling, I'm finding myself dragged into the Entertainment Complex. Feelings of inadequacy surrounding my appearance (even though I realize that I am objectively 'attractive'), my job (which is actually super awesome), lack of a partner (to be fair, this is only tangentially related), etc etc so on and so forth. I feel like I'm not living up to my potential, like I've settled for less than I really wanted, I'm realizing I never allowed myself to want anything growing up because I needed to be *practical*.
I know I can cut back on social media. I know I can go directly to the source (my sibling) when I need a reality-check. I am in therapy, and have some understanding friends I can vent/pontificate to. But I'm looking for other advice, suggestions, or experiences to help me navigate this odd time in my life. Is this par for the course of people with celebrity/highly accoladed/otherwise exemplary siblings? Is there a support group for people like me?
(Using gender neutral pronouns in an attempt to keep this as anonymous as possible, sorry if this gets wordy). My slightly younger, same-gender sibling has been pursuing a career in entertainment for their whole life. It's the only thing they've ever wanted to do. Their path to this spot has been full of ups and downs, but they remained focused and kept their eye on the prize. I am their only sibling and we consider each other best friends. We are both close to our (divorced) parents. Growing up, I was the "smart" one, but they are also very intelligent - we are both generally happy, well adjusted individuals in the grand scheme of things.
After years of working towards this goal, my sibling recently landed a career-making opportunity. This is amazingly huge, and I couldn't be happier or prouder of them. I don't *think* I'm jealous - this is not a thing that I have ever wanted for myself. We talk almost every day, they keep me looped into the goings-on of their life + career; I've shared my (perhaps irrational) fears of becoming "irrelevant" to them in their new, shiny life (they were comforting in all the right ways and I know I'm not at risk of losing my sibling to the fame monster).
However. I am, at times, uncomfortable with feelings this is bringing up for me. I generally stay away from popular culture and the attendant unrealistic standards (both appearance and otherwise), but in trying to keep up with news and press surrounding my sibling, I'm finding myself dragged into the Entertainment Complex. Feelings of inadequacy surrounding my appearance (even though I realize that I am objectively 'attractive'), my job (which is actually super awesome), lack of a partner (to be fair, this is only tangentially related), etc etc so on and so forth. I feel like I'm not living up to my potential, like I've settled for less than I really wanted, I'm realizing I never allowed myself to want anything growing up because I needed to be *practical*.
I know I can cut back on social media. I know I can go directly to the source (my sibling) when I need a reality-check. I am in therapy, and have some understanding friends I can vent/pontificate to. But I'm looking for other advice, suggestions, or experiences to help me navigate this odd time in my life. Is this par for the course of people with celebrity/highly accoladed/otherwise exemplary siblings? Is there a support group for people like me?
Your role is to be an anchor in normality.
Because of it's proximity to New York City, just about everyone in the city I live in is one or two degrees of separation from someone famous. This guy I know worked in the White House, that guy played with Alice Cooper, and someone lived where Cyndi Lauper jogged on his street. You want to get used to the fact that the world of "famous" people is huge to the point where it doesn't matter much out of the professional realm.
posted by SemiSalt at 3:45 PM on October 4, 2018
Because of it's proximity to New York City, just about everyone in the city I live in is one or two degrees of separation from someone famous. This guy I know worked in the White House, that guy played with Alice Cooper, and someone lived where Cyndi Lauper jogged on his street. You want to get used to the fact that the world of "famous" people is huge to the point where it doesn't matter much out of the professional realm.
posted by SemiSalt at 3:45 PM on October 4, 2018
Is this par for the course of people with celebrity/highly accoladed/otherwise exemplary siblings?
I think in some ways this is just par for siblings who have very different lives. I had a ton of very weird feelings about mine getting his career started (in the field I'd not-entirely-secretly wanted for myself) while I was floundering, and his getting married in the midst of my having a lot of relationship inadequacy, because I'm older and I guess that just felt... wrong somehow? And then before long it was just how things were and I didn't have the lasting complex about it that I kind of thought I was developing. So, like, just in part: This is recent. It will feel a lot less weird in a year, I bet, especially once you've heard all the boring and unpleasant stuff that goes with it. Your brain is doing the evolutionarily-appropriate thing and going "wait this is new and different, danger danger danger," but usually that eases up faster than you'd think.
posted by Sequence at 4:20 PM on October 4, 2018
I think in some ways this is just par for siblings who have very different lives. I had a ton of very weird feelings about mine getting his career started (in the field I'd not-entirely-secretly wanted for myself) while I was floundering, and his getting married in the midst of my having a lot of relationship inadequacy, because I'm older and I guess that just felt... wrong somehow? And then before long it was just how things were and I didn't have the lasting complex about it that I kind of thought I was developing. So, like, just in part: This is recent. It will feel a lot less weird in a year, I bet, especially once you've heard all the boring and unpleasant stuff that goes with it. Your brain is doing the evolutionarily-appropriate thing and going "wait this is new and different, danger danger danger," but usually that eases up faster than you'd think.
posted by Sequence at 4:20 PM on October 4, 2018
I grew up with the children of outrageously famous people, almost all of whom have grown up to be some combination of filthy rich, super famous, and outrageously successful.
I am none of those things, or even approaching any of those things. It would be very, very easy to look at the magazine articles about these peers, their fantastic Instagram holidays, and their super hot apps in the Apps Store and feel wretched that I never lived up to my potential. But what I do is remember to stop comparing myself to very, very lucky unicorns and instead look at the bigger picture. I actually am filthy rich and outrageously successful (and probably marginally famous by some metric somewhere) compared to most of the world.
The difference between you and your sister is marginal compared to the difference between you and the median world citizen. If you can pay all your bills, have a choice about how you earn your money, you are rich and successful compared to practically everyone.
posted by DarlingBri at 5:22 PM on October 4, 2018
I am none of those things, or even approaching any of those things. It would be very, very easy to look at the magazine articles about these peers, their fantastic Instagram holidays, and their super hot apps in the Apps Store and feel wretched that I never lived up to my potential. But what I do is remember to stop comparing myself to very, very lucky unicorns and instead look at the bigger picture. I actually am filthy rich and outrageously successful (and probably marginally famous by some metric somewhere) compared to most of the world.
The difference between you and your sister is marginal compared to the difference between you and the median world citizen. If you can pay all your bills, have a choice about how you earn your money, you are rich and successful compared to practically everyone.
posted by DarlingBri at 5:22 PM on October 4, 2018
Yeah, I think the operative word here is "new". Maybe come up with a head-check ritual for yourself so that when you feel this discomfort you do a little walkthrough: is there actual danger here or is this just because it's new? Because a) there's aways going to be new weird stuff b) some of it will not be great. Of the things in column b, some of them are completely outside the realm of your or their control, and some of it can be dealt with.
It can also be helpful to remember, when you are in the middle of these evolutionary alarms going off, that just because something is happening today doesn't mean it will happen forever. Time and experience will smooth a lot of this over, you just have to get through the icky part where you first gain the experience.
posted by Lyn Never at 5:23 PM on October 4, 2018
It can also be helpful to remember, when you are in the middle of these evolutionary alarms going off, that just because something is happening today doesn't mean it will happen forever. Time and experience will smooth a lot of this over, you just have to get through the icky part where you first gain the experience.
posted by Lyn Never at 5:23 PM on October 4, 2018
Definitely stay off the news and press, especially because it’s not something you otherwise keep up with. Think of the coverage as something out of an obscure trade magazine. Although who knows, maybe you’d have started assiduously reading the latest news in aquaculture if your sibling were a successful trout farmer?
Either way, as you point out, it’s always good to make sense of someone else’s profession through their eyes rather than your own preconceptions. Any incredulity that you aren’t up to speed on the latest celebrity news deserves no attention.
In terms of levels of success, as is usually said, there’s always going to be someone more or less successful than you.
posted by alusru at 6:23 PM on October 4, 2018
Either way, as you point out, it’s always good to make sense of someone else’s profession through their eyes rather than your own preconceptions. Any incredulity that you aren’t up to speed on the latest celebrity news deserves no attention.
In terms of levels of success, as is usually said, there’s always going to be someone more or less successful than you.
posted by alusru at 6:23 PM on October 4, 2018
I grew up with like 10 different people who are now wildly famous & successful (like, major A-list movie star level famous). I like my life; but sometimes the inevitable comparisons of where we all landed just... don't feel great. My solution to these feelings is to hide them on social media: I either mute them (Twitter, FB) or unfollow them (Insta). I do still check in on what they're doing once in a while when I'm feeling curious & detached from any feelings of envy. And this way, on a random Tuesday I'm not unexpectedly bludgeoned by an image of them, like, on a yacht or something.
It's also good to remember that even with fame, money, etc, they're still the same person, and when you get real close, even movie stars are only as happy as everybody else is- people have the happiness level they have, and money/fame/acclaim actually doesn't change it much.
Also there's an acclaimed documentary called "20 Feet From Stardom" about pop stars' backing vocalists, which I haven't seen but which might be worth watching. Lisa Fischer, one of the subjects, says: "I reject the notion that the job you excel at is somehow not enough to aspire to, that there has to be something more. I love supporting other artists." Maybe inspiring?
posted by pseudostrabismus at 8:02 PM on October 4, 2018
It's also good to remember that even with fame, money, etc, they're still the same person, and when you get real close, even movie stars are only as happy as everybody else is- people have the happiness level they have, and money/fame/acclaim actually doesn't change it much.
Also there's an acclaimed documentary called "20 Feet From Stardom" about pop stars' backing vocalists, which I haven't seen but which might be worth watching. Lisa Fischer, one of the subjects, says: "I reject the notion that the job you excel at is somehow not enough to aspire to, that there has to be something more. I love supporting other artists." Maybe inspiring?
posted by pseudostrabismus at 8:02 PM on October 4, 2018
I don't have any experience with this myself. Marc Maron had a podcast with Louis C.K. at the height of his fame. They used to be best friends, but Marc couldn't handle his friends success. Louis C.K. basically tells him how much he really could have used his friendship during his meteoric rise. Even famous people have problems. They need shoulders to cry on. I think if you hang in there you'll find that fame comes with its own problems.
posted by xammerboy at 8:43 PM on October 4, 2018
posted by xammerboy at 8:43 PM on October 4, 2018
I have a couple of good friends with famous actor siblings. Both of those actor siblings were big on teen shows but are now famous adult actors.
I'm happy to put you in touch if need be.
posted by k8t at 1:24 AM on October 5, 2018
I'm happy to put you in touch if need be.
posted by k8t at 1:24 AM on October 5, 2018
I don't have any famous siblings, but I've worked at places were celebrities would frequent and dated someone well known in their field of the arts and I can say that celebrity is essentially bullshit. It isn't treated that way by those who want to get a glimpse of "fame", but for the people living those lives the allure doesn't overcome the need for more human level interaction.
The best approach to it I've found in the limited encounters I've had is to ignore it. Just treat the people like everyone else and forget they're "famous" since it doesn't mean all that much in many very important ways.
Being on the periphery of fame is, I'm sure, a bit different still for getting caught up in the attention without directly receiving it. That, I'm sure, can be difficult in a lot of ways if the level of fame attracts crowds and notice everywhere one goes. The more important thing though is to maintain the sense of normalcy with your sibling as a buffer against all the hype and attendant idiocy that accompanies fame.
They likely aren't going to be looking for you to change to fit their new station or image but to be who you've always been because that's important to them. Be encouraging, play down the hype and try and hold on to the roots of the relationship to keep things "real". Celebrity has its own sets of difficulties or costs and can evaporate as quickly as it came, so being yourself helps keep a base of sanity should things change and the constancy provides both of you with the same shared space you've had. Don't judge yourself by the artificial standards of fame. It ultimately has no deep meaning.
posted by gusottertrout at 7:20 AM on October 5, 2018
The best approach to it I've found in the limited encounters I've had is to ignore it. Just treat the people like everyone else and forget they're "famous" since it doesn't mean all that much in many very important ways.
Being on the periphery of fame is, I'm sure, a bit different still for getting caught up in the attention without directly receiving it. That, I'm sure, can be difficult in a lot of ways if the level of fame attracts crowds and notice everywhere one goes. The more important thing though is to maintain the sense of normalcy with your sibling as a buffer against all the hype and attendant idiocy that accompanies fame.
They likely aren't going to be looking for you to change to fit their new station or image but to be who you've always been because that's important to them. Be encouraging, play down the hype and try and hold on to the roots of the relationship to keep things "real". Celebrity has its own sets of difficulties or costs and can evaporate as quickly as it came, so being yourself helps keep a base of sanity should things change and the constancy provides both of you with the same shared space you've had. Don't judge yourself by the artificial standards of fame. It ultimately has no deep meaning.
posted by gusottertrout at 7:20 AM on October 5, 2018
Clearly much of what you're feeling is irrational and unhelpful. But you also mention feeling like your sibling is succeeding after persevering at their long-time dream, while you haven't chosen to harbor ambitions. That seems more fundamental. I think you either need to decide that you're in the place you want to be with your career (as with the Lisa Fischer quote above). Or you should decide to take your sibling's success as an inspiration to go where you want with your life. Which will probably be very different than where they're going, but I have no doubt they would support you in it.
posted by serathen at 8:39 AM on October 5, 2018
posted by serathen at 8:39 AM on October 5, 2018
I feel like I'm not living up to my potential, like I've settled for less than I really wanted, I'm realizing I never allowed myself to want anything growing up because I needed to be *practical*.
Your thoughts and feelings about inadequacy are just thoughts and they aren't true. If you want to be more creative, or do something else in this world, cultivate that. What do you want? What excites you and drives you?
Fame can be wonderful but it does have its limitations, as does every life situation. I would try to change your story about what you're telling yourself about success. What you do in this life does not change the essence of who you are.
posted by loveandhappiness at 8:40 AM on October 5, 2018
Your thoughts and feelings about inadequacy are just thoughts and they aren't true. If you want to be more creative, or do something else in this world, cultivate that. What do you want? What excites you and drives you?
Fame can be wonderful but it does have its limitations, as does every life situation. I would try to change your story about what you're telling yourself about success. What you do in this life does not change the essence of who you are.
posted by loveandhappiness at 8:40 AM on October 5, 2018
Have you watched the Good Place? One of the main characters, while clearly conventionally successful in her own right, has an unbelievably successful and famous sibling. The show does some good exploring (and poking fun) at that character's reaction to it, and her evolution as she comes to terms with it. It might be cathartic in the way seeing absurdly exaggerated versions of a problem can be.
I like Sequence and seulac's advice above. Fame, of all prizes, seems to be one of the most double-edged, and certainly doesn't mean much in the grand scheme of things. It can be a huge distraction, and if you're already on the road to living the life you want to live, you just took a shortcut by avoiding trying to seek it out. It may be, as serathen suggested, that you're feeling like you settled for less, etc., because there is a thing that you want for yourself, quite independent of the celebrity of your sibling. You wonder if you limited yourself in terms of your potential. What better time and occasion to do that searching? We're all the protagonists of our own story, and it could be that now is the time your character finds their own happiness in a way they haven't before. In any case, I think our lives are much more satisfying for the fact that we can play them to an audience of one, or a small handful, who can really appreciate it.
posted by tarshish bound at 10:06 AM on October 5, 2018
I like Sequence and seulac's advice above. Fame, of all prizes, seems to be one of the most double-edged, and certainly doesn't mean much in the grand scheme of things. It can be a huge distraction, and if you're already on the road to living the life you want to live, you just took a shortcut by avoiding trying to seek it out. It may be, as serathen suggested, that you're feeling like you settled for less, etc., because there is a thing that you want for yourself, quite independent of the celebrity of your sibling. You wonder if you limited yourself in terms of your potential. What better time and occasion to do that searching? We're all the protagonists of our own story, and it could be that now is the time your character finds their own happiness in a way they haven't before. In any case, I think our lives are much more satisfying for the fact that we can play them to an audience of one, or a small handful, who can really appreciate it.
posted by tarshish bound at 10:06 AM on October 5, 2018
I feel like I'm not living up to my potential, like I've settled for less than I really wanted, I'm realizing I never allowed myself to want anything growing up because I needed to be *practical*.
Just wanted to add that the above may or may not be true, but it has nothing to do with your sibling. Mind you don't throw your shit in your neighbour's yard, you know?
posted by DarlingBri at 2:46 AM on October 6, 2018
Just wanted to add that the above may or may not be true, but it has nothing to do with your sibling. Mind you don't throw your shit in your neighbour's yard, you know?
posted by DarlingBri at 2:46 AM on October 6, 2018
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I ... am okay. I like my job and my quiet single life. And when I get a little wistful about their success, I try to remind myself: I get to leave the office every day at 5:30. I get to be invisible on public transit. I don't have random strangers trying to hack my social media just because I'm a celebrity, nor do people hit me up to promote them or fund them.
In this social environment, I think people forget how comforting anonymity is. My life is far far less stressful than my siblings'. And I like that.
posted by suelac at 3:27 PM on October 4, 2018